How to Flirt When You’re Not Confident

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Welcome back, Stephen. Welcome back, Audrey.

Hello, friends.

Hi, everyone.

We are talking today about flirting. It is something that a lot of people struggle with. We know that because we have polled our audience and the results are in. We know that so many people feel like there is either someone they like in particular that they would like to flirt with, but there's something getting in the way of them flirting with that person. We're going to talk about the results of that poll. And sometimes it's not even just about one person. Sometimes it's just this feeling that I don't create enough opportunity in my love life because I'm not flirting with people. I am not putting myself out there. I am not creating the opportunities. So. that is what we are going to talk about today. What's going on? Why aren't we creating these opportunities? How can we create more opportunities with people? And for anyone out there who feels like their dating life just never gets going, I think this is really going to help.

Well, that sounds lovely.

And if you haven't already subscribed to the new YouTube channel for the podcast, you can do so at Love Life Podcast channel where you can watch the entire video episode as they come out, which I know a lot of people have been enjoying. So firstly, we are going to be continuing these conversations inside the Love Life program. For those of you who are Love Life members, coming up on April the 4th, we have a live coach check-in with me. On April the 7th, we have a live coaching group Q&A with me where I'll be answering your questions. Some of you will have a chance to be coached by me on the call itself. Stephen, you're running a gratitude session on April 9th, which I know our members really love. And you're doing a coach check-in on the 14th. And then Stephen, you're doing a Q&A on the 23rd. Audrey, your Q&A is on the 25th. So for anyone who wants Audrey and Stephen's advice and you want to be able to ask them questions, you can do so inside the Love life program this month. So we put up a poll on Instagram asking people about their biggest flirting challenges. Audrey, what specifically did we ask everyone?

Exactly that. What are your biggest flirting challenges? We gave them four different options. First option was knowing how to flirt. The second option was I'm afraid of coming off desperate. The third option was lack of confidence in my sex appeal. And the fourth option is I'm afraid they won't reciprocate. If you were to hazard a guess, which one would you say got the most votes?

I think people are very afraid of negative consequences when they take a risk. So I'm going to go with either desperation, looking desperate, or someone won't reciprocate.

Stephen?

I would have said desperate or how to flirt.

So you guys are very close, and this was actually a very close call on this poll. Very interesting answers. The one that got the most votes with 30% was I'm afraid they won't reciprocate. The one that second biggest vote was I'm afraid of coming off desperate. And the third was knowing how to flirt. And then obviously the fourth was lack of confidence in my sex appeal with 18%. So yeah, most people were afraid that people wouldn't reciprocate or of coming off desperate and a bunch of people, you know, don't know how to flirt. It's really hard flirting, I think. I really relate to these answers. I think you don't want to like put your best foot forward. It's a very vulnerable thing and then you put your best foot forward and then somebody kind of like doesn't really reciprocate, doesn't acknowledge it, or worse makes you feel stupid and then you just think that's it, I have to move countries.

Do you think we build it up too much though? Like we overthink what flirting is.

Yeah, I think there's too much of a binary. Like, I don't think of it as you're flirting or you're not flirting. And when you're flirting, you're saying, do you like me? I think of flirting as a temperature gauge more. It's kind of something you turn up. Like, we used to talk about how, like, very charming people almost flirt with everyone in a way. You know what I mean? Even a charming guy who's heterosexual can kind of flirt with men. You know what I mean? And in being like, complimentary, showing interest, noticing something you're wearing. It kind of is an energy, I think, you tap into. So it's not really and if you can get there mentally, internally, it's not like you're putting yourself up for rejection. It's just what you do when you like someone.

Why do you think people don't tap into that energy? Like, why do you think they struggle to tap into that energy?

Well, I think that we're taught the wrong lessons when we're younger. And I don't know if you guys relate to this, but I certainly think that, you know, when I was younger, it was, like, very much all about being cool and letting people come to you and always looking like you had more options and you didn't care and you were just aloof about everything. And so I think that. I think that sometimes that. that kind of lesson can be at odds with you even learning how to flirt and put yourself forward in that way. I think that a lot of women struggle with this idea of coming across desperate because we are really, really told that like, you know, we're always too much or, you know, if we come across a little bit too intense, that's really off-putting. And, you know, the whole idea of like women coming across as crazy and intense and desperate and stuff is really common. So I think that's a real big thing for people.

And do you think it's felt like a woman can only do that? She needs a big green light to show he actually likes you, so it's okay to flirt now. Like it's too risky.

Yeah, I think so. I just think that we're taught to hang back and let people come to us. And I think that that can be counter to kind of even learning how to do it. And also, I will say, like, you know, sometimes you just, to your point, Stephen, like the stakes are so high because you're kind of like getting all of that energy pent up until you meet that person or you see that person and you're like, now I have to flirt with them. Instead of, you know, as you say, like acknowledging that you can kind of get to a party or get to a gathering and just be really friendly and open and curious and connected and present with everybody and funny and playful. And so when that person comes along and you start speaking to them, you're just sort of, it's a continuation of that energy. But I think people don't see it like that. They see it as like, there are people that I talk to and I'm friendly with, and there are people that I'm trying to flirt with. And then it's very results focused, and it just becomes really, really intense.

And the irony is that's why we can often end up in this friend zone with the very people that we want more with. because the people we want more with tend to get a very different version of us than everybody else, especially if we're not, as you say, kind of connecting with that energy in ourselves in general. We're not going into a room and having this kind of carefree, playful energy that we carry from one conversation to the next. So then when we move on to talking to someone we like, it's a continuation of that instead. We, I think a lot of us hope that we can be somewhat unsociable and introverted and shy in general. And then when we see the person we like, we're gonna suddenly find the reserves to like turn on in front of that person. And what ends up happening instead is that we overthink talking to that person. We build it up so much. we play out a whole fantasy in our mind of how it might go. And then when we do talk to them, if we ever talk to them, it starts feeling very stunted. It's this very strange version of ourselves. We're no longer that playful person that makes our best friend laugh or doesn't take ourselves too seriously. We're asking really kind of like sort of, dead questions that don't have any, they don't have any life to them whatsoever. There's no sense of this spontaneous, free-flowing conversation. Everything feels highly premeditated. And so it just feels kind of stiff. And then that person never sees the side of us that the people around us who want to be around us a lot see.

Yeah, that's the thing. You probably have an energy with your friends that's already a lot of the energy of flirting. You're playful, you're less logical, you're able to laugh, be silly, you know, be charming. So you probably have an energy already in you, but it's almost, can you let it go when you're with new people? Can you get into that space?

I think people see flirting as also sexuality, right? Which I think is where it trips people up, 'cause you're not being sexual with your friends. And I think it will be very interesting in this episode to really talk about what flirting actually looks like and what it actually is. Because it's not necessarily coming up to someone and saying some witty, sexy remark and then, you know, winking at them. I mean, that does not sound sexy at all. But you know what I mean? Like, that's not flirting. Flirting is all in the nuance. And it's all in the tension you build. It's almost a kind of the way that you're taking another person on a ride with your charisma, your chat, the way that you're kind of interacting and interfacing with them. It can be done in so many different ways and it's just about almost making somebody feel like they're kind of swept up in the conversation. Well, let's go- more than it is, I think, you know, like direct sexual energy, even though that can also be flirting.

Let's go around the room and each say, like, what's the first thing that comes to mind when you think of what flirting looks like?

This is how people felt in the poll.

Stephen, I think it means showing a certain degree of interest in someone. I have this model where it's like interest plus challenge, flirting, which we've said before, but I think of it as Giving someone just a little bit more notice than usual. Like, I might notice something about someone, even if I was like, I really like your dimples when you smile. Or even if I was just like, even if I would slow down with them and have a bit more eye contact. be a little more expressive, be a little more intrigued, like noticing something about their personality, be like, you seem like, you know, even if it was like they like spicy food or something, being like, oh, you like spicy food as well. That's cool. I'm into that. Like, even just showing, I acknowledge something about you that triggered something in me, and I'm noticing it.

Now, for some people, they'll hear the dimples one, and they'll be like, oh, my God, I couldn't say that to someone. Is that something you think can be said on a first date? Or is that a second date thing? Or is that a before you've even gotten a date with someone thing?

I think a lot of people feel.

Like, you know, they're so afraid of, I mean, we know from the poll, people are so afraid of saying something that feels too intense, getting rejected for it, looking silly, feeling embarrassed. What would you say to people who are feeling that way?

Yeah, so the physical one, I would more come when you have when you're, like, vibing on a date and it's going well, then you could, like, start.

Go to a visual.

So that's, like, hour two of a date, right? It's going well. Hour two, you're vibing. Then you can go to the physical. You might start more with someone's style again, a behavior, even if it's a shared thing, like, oh, you did that as well. You like, you're adventurous like that. Like, oh, I like that. Like, I like that about you. All right, I. That's cool.

I really like that.

Me too. Or I'm really into that. Like, it's, you know, even if you just go, oh, I'm so glad you're into that. I really love that as well. Like, it's so cool to meet someone who is, you know, nerdy as well.

Who is whatever, adventurous.

Or the old Paris Hilton phrase, that's hot. That sounds hot.

Yeah, it's just adding that.

Wait, was that Paris Hilton? Yeah, that was her catchphrase.

She'd be like, that's hot. So thank you, Paris. But some people are confident enough to even just say, like, I like that jacket.

It's hot. Well, what I like about that is there's a, there's a difference between platonic language and desire language. And, and by the way, there's a difference between love language, too. Right. Platonic language is the language of friendship. It's the language of our buddies. Desire language is the language of sexual tension. And love language is the desire of intimate. Connection and what you just said, if you say that jack, that's a hot jacket, which by the way can be said as a very throwaway comment. It doesn't need to be said as like a very intense comment. If you're like, that's a hot jacket. I like that jacket. That's desire language. You're draw your, you if, you know, if a family members said to you that they wouldn't say that's a hot jacket. They'd say that's such a nice jacket. Right, but someone you're flirting with using the word hot immediately charges it.

Yeah, like if someone said, Someone could say, that jacket makes your shoulders look big. And if you're like, Is that a good thing? And they'd be like, oh, definitely. Like, even if they said it like.

That, in that way, you're like, oh.

They'Re like, They're not flirtatious.

Don't say that to a woman.

Don't say it to a woman. That was a very gendered example. That was a gendered one. But yeah, that kind of thing about, oh yeah, that's definitely a good thing. Like that kind of thing and saying it matter-of-factly, it doesn't have to be like, oh, I'm turning on the movie version of flirting, which is a very, like, cliche.

I also like to remove... I don't want people to get the impression you always have to use desire language in everything you say as well. I mean, we were David talking about the example the other day of, like, if you saw... If you were on a video call with someone, or even if you saw on their dating profile that they had, like, a... You know, a Princess Mononoke poster on their wall, and you realize from that that they're into Studio Ghibli films. These are these Japanese animated films that we love. You could literally send them a message on an app and be like, I spied that Mononoke poster on your wall, you know, well played, sir. Like, that would be a flirtatious comment.

Or do you want to know the main reason I swiped right? Why? You're Princess Mononoke.

That's good. That's like the sweet version of flirting. A lot of people are worried that they're gonna come across too sexual if they try and flirt. What's nice about that is it's not sexual at all, right? But it does carry an energy with it. And I think that's the way we have to start thinking about flirting, is that there's a certain energy to flirting. So I wanna keep going around.

I was gonna ask you, what do you think of when you think of flirting?

I think one of the things I've noticed in people who struggle with flirting is that they are always one tempo. So they will typically the anti-flirting tempo is fast. If you think of seduction, seduction, the connotation with seduction tempo wise is slow. When you are beginning to go into seduction mode, as I'm not saying you in you towards them, but when together in unison, you're moving towards this more seductive phase, things start to slow down a bit.

Like slow R&B.

Like slow R&B.

Very seductive.

Very seductive.

Like Usher.

Where is this music coming from?

This is a good flirting tip. If someone is telling you something on a date and you are finding it not just interesting but really attractive, maybe they're talking passionately about something that they care about. You see their eyes light up. observe them as they're talking. Almost make it so that it's like you're listening to them. You are hearing them, but there's also a part of you that is clearly just observing them right now as an attractive human being. And when you do, rather than punctuating every point they make with, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. Interesting. Which is like, you're, I think of flirting like this kind of, I don't know. What's the right way to say it? It's like a water balloon that's like being filled up and it's growing. The tension is growing. Every time someone's talking and you're like, oh, that's interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, cool. It's like you're popping the balloon. Yeah. Every time you just keep saying something or punctuating what they say with a little remark, you're popping the balloon. And so it never actually builds up any tension. But if instead someone's telling you something and they start to notice you noticing them, you're not saying anything. You're looking at them and they can tell you're kind of also staring at them at the same time as listening to them. And you start to slow down and you really make eye contact while they're speaking. That can be a real form of flirting, but that requires you to slow down and be more present. When I've done, you know, TV show, I've done multiple TV shows in my life where they have put me in some back room with monitors around me, watching someone on a date, whoever is the kind of contestant on the show, who's the subject of the show, they will be on a date or multiple dates, speed dating, and I will listen in with an earpiece to what they're doing. And it's amazing how many people go through entire dates where there's no flirtatious energy and only anxious energy. And if I were to say, what's the hallmark of that? I would say it's speed. It's like everything is sped up. The conversation is sped up. The way they gesture, gesturing can be a really powerful thing body language wise. But if you speed it up, it starts to just, gesturing just starts to register as anxious body language. The number of times they say, Yes, yeah. Oh, mm-. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, even on, it's funny, even if you watch a podcast, there are podcasts where the list, the person who's listening keeps making affirmative noises. And even that can disrupt the flow. And that's not a flirtatious situation, but it's a good example. On a date, the same thing happens. Listen to how many times you make affirmative noises instead of just taking someone in.

So- what about nodding?

Yeah, nodding's fine, but again, like how quick do you do these things? Like, are you- like try slowing down your movements, because when we're nervous, There's a jitteriness to us. And we not, if you think of like, what's people pleasing energy? When someone says something, as soon as you find a moment halfway through the sentence where you can agree with what they're saying, you start to nod quickly, right? That's people pleasing energy. It's the opposite of seduction. It's the opposite of flirtation. So we have to learn how to slow down. That, by the way, that doesn't mean that, the reason I said tempo is important in flirtation is not because there's only one tempo that's good. You should be mixing it up. When you're passionate about something, you can get a little more animated and you can speed up a little bit. 'Cause sometimes the passion comes across in wanting to get something out and speaking faster. But are you then able to pause and slow down? And in that contrast between those tempos, there's an attraction that gets created. So that would be my initial thought. What's yours? And then I want to hear David's as well.

You know, it's so funny. My three words, you've kind of you've said two of them, was tension, contrast, and it's not a word, but being in control. And I agree with everything you said about, to me, flirting is building tension. It's creating contrast. You're having a certain kind of energy one moment and then you almost kind of hit them with something that really surprises them and then you move on again. So for example, you might be like, and actually I think I said this to you early on in us dating. This is kind of funny.

I'm interested. I don't- have you said this to me before?

I don't know, but I remember that you were having spicy food. And I love spicy food. And I said to you something along the lines of, I think people, I think it says a lot about someone when they like spicy food, don't you agree?

Stephen, this is validation for your spicy food comment.

I said, I think it's really attractive when people like spicy food. I think it says a lot about them. But that's quite sexual, I think.

It's very sexual.

It's kind of implying, but I said it.

Was it date one? was it when we went to the Italian?

No, because we didn't have spicy food. There's never spicy food. But I remember we were talking about it. Maybe we were just talking about food. I don't know. But I remember that. But then I. I would have just then moved on to a different conversation. I wouldn't have lingered there, wouldn't have put you in a situation where you're, like, then uncomfortably trying to work out what to respond to it. Instead, you move on from it. And as quickly as you dropped it there, it's gone. And I think that's sort of attractive because people are like, oh, I haven't even thought of a response yet and they kind of feel it disarms them a little bit and it doesn't put that pressure on them. And then the in-control piece I think is really important, which is the best thing, the best flirting advice that I can give, I think, is when you're flirting, just think about it as I'm doing it for myself, I'm not doing it for a result. I'm doing it to try and push some buttons, get some responses, try and see if I can create a bit of energy But I'm not doing it for them. I'm not doing it to get some kind of response from them or, you know, to make them like me or whatever. I'm just doing it because I'm having fun with it. And that kind of almost slightly cocky, confident, sure of yourself energy is really useful in flirting. Because when I make that comment about spicy food, I don't want anything from you. I'm just letting you know that that's what I think. that I'm a sexual person and that I think, you know, whatever. And it's kind of like, it's not for you, that comment, it's for me. And if you want to know more about it, you have to basically step in and play the game with me. And I think there's something to that. So, yeah, tension, contrast, and being in control.

And we mean no offense to anyone listening who doesn't enjoy spicy food.

We might be a demon in the sack. Yeah, we might be cheesy pasta. I love cheesy pasta, too, so, you know.

Yeah.

All right, nothing wrong with beige food.

No, so it's, you know, we mean not to say that you are not a sexual being if you don't like spicy. You can still be spicy and not like spicy.

That's true.

Now, David, the producer, do you have a, does something come to mind for.

You when you think of David?

You can switch it around.

They're interchangeable.

Well, I appreciate you throwing to me when I have, obviously, the most seductive background behind me, the storage cupboard and this sheet which covers an H factor.

Yeah, it says sort of flirtatious Dexter.

Yeah, I have the biggest advantage here. Well, we were talking about this yesterday in one of our creative meetings and yeah, I think in thinking about it more, I think pattern recognition, it was the thing that I think kind of rendered it in my head. the best was in terms of at least how I flirt, which is, you know, it's keeping multiple balls in the air where, you know, you're kind of staying keyed into the history of your conversation with someone. And this can happen with someone that you haven't, you know, you've only spoken a couple words to. And in that case, it's about kind of finding those moments that are the best.

What would be like, is there an example that comes to mind for that, for people to like think about what What would that look like?

Actually, you actually told it the best yesterday, which I don't know if I think you should tell it.

What was it?

So you told me that you were at a dinner with someone. And let's say that this someone was someone that you respect a lot for their comedic timing. Maybe this is a moment similar to dating where it's like somebody that you would love to impress if you could. and you had ordered a kind of fruity drink, and it came to the table and it was a Japanese plum.

Yeah, there was one of the ingredients in the drink was Japanese plum, yeah.

Yeah, Japanese plum. And so you turned to this person that you would hope to impress, and you said, Japanese plum. And they picked up that ball and.

Said... Because I was saying, I was saying, like, the drink that just came, The reason it's purple is like, I almost like, actually, what was funny about that moment is I said it as a slightly off-the-wall thing to say. 'Cause I knew when I said it, I was saying something completely out of context. But I kind of looked at my drink, I looked at this cocktail, and then looked at him, and I was like, Japanese plum.

Japanese plum.

Yeah.

And he kind of ran with that, right?

Yeah, he almost paused for a moment and I went, oh, I mean the drink, it's got Japanese plum in it. And he looked at me and he said, oh, I thought that you were that was some kind of expression. Like you were just nodding to me in a gentlemanly way saying Japanese plum. And he started joking that he was going to go around the room. and say to people, you know, a Japanese plum, like to people he had just met. And it became this kind of little thing, this little joke between us. Anytime we saw each other then, because we were, at the time, we were on a trip with these people, anytime we saw each other, like the next day, the day after that, we would like catch each other in the morning and look at each other and take a beat and go, A Japanese plum.

And I think that that's like such a perfect example for this. It can come not just from something like, you know, you were, you chose that moment to say something kind of off the wall, but it can come from moments that you didn't plan to be off the wall. It can come from anywhere where if you just, if you pick up a moment that there was a connection with and you find a way to make it continue through your conversation and you leave it, you know, even on the second date, you have it, can have it come back and, and you can punch so much higher above your weight, with like how you come across if you just do that, if you just keep multiple balls in the air, people are just, I think that they really love having conversation with you and, and that can be a really powerful thing when, when you're trying to flirt.

It's like conspiratorial.

It's a fun, shared little world.

Exactly.

A little shared world.

But you have to be present and you have to be tuned in and you have to look for those, you know, David, I know you've done a bunch of, you know, improv training and it's like you're more aware than I am of just the need to notice those little those little hooks along the way that you can pick up on.

And you already mentioned it, but yeah, being what you said earlier about not, you know, kind of confirming to people and being obsessed with, oh, I'm listening, I'm listening, or I'm latching on and finding moments to agree. Actually, that can distract you from the ability to find these really important moments.

That.

You know, are a lot of opportunity to make somebody really feel like it's exciting to talk with you.

We had some really lovely feedback to an episode, episode 289, on how to overcome your biggest dating insecurities. And this was an episode where we were actually talking to someone, Mary, about her fear that Because she had not had a relationship and because she had not dated, this would somehow, you know, present as a real problem for her in trying to find love. Yeah. That she was embarrassed or she felt shame around the idea that she had never dated when she was going out there and meeting someone. We had some interesting feedback. Mary actually emailed in to podcast@matthewhussie.com well.

Mary, thank you so much. You sent us an email. You said, Matthew, Audrey, and Stephen, Thank you so much for answering my question on your most recent podcast. I joined the Love Life Club in January and it is by far the best decision I have made this year. I truly appreciate the time and care you put into answering my question and the practical examples and advice you shared. The three of you have given me so much more confidence and I am better able to see this in a more positive light. The Love Life has provided me with an amazing online community and I have seen so much growth in such a short amount of time. and I'm excited to see where the journey leads. I will be at the retreat in October, so we're gonna meet you, Mary. So I will see you all in Miami. Thank you again for all the work you do and for answering my question.

Mary, thank you.

It's so lovely, Mary, and it's so good to see you every month inside Love Life. I'm so happy you're with us. It's amazing. And so happy you were listening when we answered your question.

Anyone who wants to come to the retreat, where do they go?

Mhretreat.Com for your tickets to join us in Miami for the weekend retreat and meet Mary for yourself.

Yeah, we also had people respond to Mary, didn't we?

We did. We had a really lovely one on YouTube actually by a great username, Pinkybadoodles.

Oh wow, that's one of yours. It sounds like one of yours. It does sound like one of yours.

This isn't me. Pinkybadoodles. This is in response to Mary. She has, hi Mary, I was in a similar situation to you. In my culture, we have an acronym, MBSB, which means no boyfriend since birth. I was 38 when I had my first boyfriend after finally following Matt's advice that I need to actively date if I want a relationship. I was also insecure about not having any experience when it comes to dating, but when you meet your right person, that wouldn't matter. My now boyfriend never made me feel that my lack of experience when it comes to romantic relationships is an issue. You will find your person and he will be kind and will make your insecurities immaterial. If a person you're dating does otherwise, he is not your person.

That's great. We had something that echoed that sentiment from Heaven Shell 83. I think this was, was this on inst- was this on YouTube or Instagram?

YouTube.

YouTube. She quoted us saying, you are just one month and one great person away from everyone else. She said, so true. I needed to hear this so much. And this was that sentiment that if you think you're behind, you're one month of experience away from being in the same place that, you know, having more experience, having a story to tell, you know, having intimacy. So it's that, that idea that you're not nearly as far away as you think. Josie5599 commented and said, I too have never been in a proper relationship before. I one guy I went on a date with upon hearing this had a positive perspective saying, well, I guess that means maybe you don't have as much emotional baggage. Not sure how universal that is, but I think it's true for me. And it was nice to hear and not something that had occurred to me by myself. Lovely. So, so nice. Well, thank you for the comments and thank you for those of you who wrote in. If you do want to write in to us in response to this episode podcast, @matthewhussie.com is the email address.

Well, we have arrived at my favorite time of the episode, Love Life Line. We, every week, as you guys know who listen, we ask them to send voice notes around a specific subject. And this week we have the lovely Lavinia, who, do you guys remember when we met Lavinia at Harry, your brother's Ramens. I do.

Yeah. Lavinia's a long story.

And then Lavinia came to the retreat as well. But it was so lovely.

You might have to explain Harry's Ramen pop up. Basically, our youngest brother, me and Stephen's youngest brother, Harry, is an extraordinary cook. And he, he, he's the kind of person that can just do anything. And he decided one day, I'm gonna do a, like, basically they've People they knew in London who own a legit restaurant. And upon hearing that Harry makes a really good ramen, they were like, well, if you want to come and do a ramen pop-up for a day in our restaurant, you can come and do that. And basically run a ramen restaurant for a day, cooking for many people coming through the door. And that's exactly what Harry and his now wife Emma did.

He just took over a restaurant.

Who does that? And anyway, Lavinia, she came along, didn't she?

She did, yeah. And then we met her at the retreat afterwards. But Lavinia sent in a voice note, which we're about to play right now.

Hi all.

I often don't realize I am unintentionally flirting with men until a friend I'm.

With points it out to me. I talk to everyone. I am friendly and outgoing, but when.

I try to flirt on purpose, I.

Get embarrassed and awkward.

How can I find a balance between.

Being natural and being intentional with flirting?

That's a really good question. Thank you, Lavinia.

Thank you.

Look, I think that in a way, the benefit is that you are, your friends are telling you when you're being flirtatious, and that's a good thing. The fact that you know how to be flirtatious and probably it happens in times where you're far less, you know, you're not giving yourself this goal or this stated aim of now, and now I'm trying to actually seduce someone, right? When you're not doing that, there's a far more natural energy that comes out that allows you to just be playful. Notice what happens when you've got that more natural energy. Oh, I'm more playful. Oh, maybe I'm a bit more tactile with people. Maybe I will have a little teasing moment. You know, maybe I'll ask them questions I'm genuinely, things I'm really interested in about them or what they just said. Maybe I use their name more, which is, by the way, using people's name is a flirtatious act. I just wanna put that out there. If you are not using people's names, You're missing an opportunity to flirt. Just saying someone's name is a flirtatious thing.

People love hearing their name.

They love it. I will always remember the phrase used in a Dal Carnegie book. I think it was How to Win Friends and Influence People. Yeah. He said, I think the line goes, A name is to that person the sweetest sound in any language on earth. Yeah. So, using someone's name, very powerful, but notice what you do in those moments and then realize that it's not for you about learning how to flirt. It's about removing the impediments to flirting when you need to. And ask yourself, what are those impediments? What are the obstacles? Ah, I decide someone is good looking, and then my brain races to, you know, oh, and therefore I would love to. They're exactly the kind of person I would like to date. Maybe there's a Charisma or a charm or an energy about them. And maybe the next thought is, and therefore I. Maybe they're better than me. And so you put them on a pedestal, and so now you're not just flirting with them. You're, like, looking up at them and, you know, seeing them as someone above you, and that puts you in this. this kind of lesser role. So, okay, what do I need to do? I need to first stop seeing this person as being above me. I need to say, okay, fine, they're a good looking person, or there's something about them or whatever. But my person, like, the person who's right for me is going to be someone I have a genuine connection with. It's not. Just the criteria can't be that I want a good looking, charming, charismatic person, or I want someone who is attractive. It has to be, I want the person who, years from now, when we are laying in bed together on a Sunday morning, there's a natural energy where we make each other laugh and where it's fun and playful and sweet and So really what I'm doing is I'm testing for that energy. And when you say that, when you say, I'm not trying to impress by flirting, I'm trying to test for the right energy when I'm flirting, all of a sudden you'll discard the things that make that person seem special and instead go, I have to find out if our connection is special. And I can only do that by bringing the kind of energy I bring around people I'm comfortable and seeing if the exchange of energy between me and this person is comfortable. And by seeing that, I will, I'll have a, you know, then it's just about, are they that person or not? It's not about, am I good enough or not? And a more natural energy will start to come out.

Yeah, so it's not, do they like me? Does our energy match?

Yep.

I also wanna say Lavinia, because it's so, what you've just articulated so beautifully is incredibly common. I think, I mean, I definitely have been in that situation. I'm sure most people in this room and people listening as well feel the same way. And so much of it is born out of this fear of rejection that we all have to varying degrees. and I just want to kind of talk about that for a second because I really feel like our fear of rejection and our fear of, you know, a lack of reciprocation from the other person stops us from actually being able to take chances when it comes to our love lives. And it's really important for us to reframe it as if you're gonna go out there and date and date multiple people and meet different people and put yourself out there and take risks, you're gonna get rejected. I've been rejected, you've been rejected, you've been rejected, everybody at some point has been rejected multiple times, I would argue. I've been rejected multiple times and it's not a nice feeling, it's horrible, but we have to become less scared of it because what's the alternative? The alternative is that you never even put yourself out there to begin with and you never even create opportunities. And also, the last thing I'll say on it is, Remember, we always think when somebody's rejected me, it's because of this terrible thing that I hate about myself that I know makes me inherently unlovable. Like, they obviously rejected me because, you know, of the fact that I am really annoying and this because we're really insecure about the fact that maybe we're really annoying or that I'm not attractive enough or that I'm, you know, bigger than most people or whatever it might be. And we instantly let that insecurity attach onto our own insecurity and we use that as our reasoning. There are so many reasons why people aren't interested. You have no idea, especially if you don't know the person, you have no idea what's going on in their lives. You don't know what their type is. You don't know who they're into right now. You don't know who they're messaging. They could have had an argument with someone they care about. Whatever. Like so many things are going on. And I just think we make it so damn personal every single time, but we really have to stop doing that because that's really going to stop us from actually putting ourselves out there and taking chances. And it's really important to do.

Yeah, I totally agree. And really, really see it like you're throwing out a little hook and seeing if that person responds to it. And the right person will respond to it. So instead of thinking like, I'm afraid of being rejected, think about it as a little moment of like going out on a limb. A little moment of like making a small move, a millimetre move, not a big move.

My line on it is flirting is just the extra 10%.

Yeah, and sometimes it could be the extra 1%. Like it's a tiny little thing that you do to see, did they respond to that?

You can make it low risk as well. Yeah, it doesn't need to be like, you,'re looking really hot tonight. You know, it doesn't need to be like that. It can be something subtle.

Flirting can be something really oblique, really indirect. I always remember hearing Tony Robbins in an interview that I guarantee no one will have seen. And he was talking about how he came to realize he liked his wife, Paige. like, as more than a friend because they were friends. And then at one point, he said, I think they were on a train together. And she said, she made a comment to him, like, you know, I know she said something like, I know you never do that with your perfect, you know, with, you know, like, that's too something for you with your perfect hair and your perfect you know, demeanor and you're like, she said something that like didn't, it wasn't teasing him in a mean way. It was in fact kind of teasing him.

And complimenting him.

It was exactly. It was like teasing him about something that actually could be perceived as a compliment, but also in the process, like giving him a little like elbow in the ribs going like, this is probably, you know, I know you would never do anything like that with your perfect hair and your perfect this and your perfect that. And he described the feeling he got when she said that of like, oh, like, come here. Like, you know, he realized like, oh, like there's something else here. But, and we can all point to moments like that where we have someone who's been a friend or James: We haven't seen in that light, but because the energy switches a little bit, it's not like they look at us and say, you look really attractive, but there's something about the energy that switches a little bit. And all of a sudden, we get to see them in a new light. To me, one of the things this conversation shows is that when we're trying to flirt more or figure out how we can create more attraction with someone, it's not always easy to pinpoint exactly what that looks like. And a lot of people are very bad at telling us they just don't know. They'll tell us, you need to flirt more, you need to have more fun, you need to build more tension, but they don't give us the specific ways of doing it. And for me, after years of doing this, what I know is it's like a language. It's like learning a language. And sometimes we're not speaking that language. We're not speaking the language of attraction that makes someone feel like they can't afford not to see us again. and that might be because we're afraid, it might be because we don't wanna get rejected, it might be because we were married for 15 years or 20 years, and now we find ourselves single again, and we're just not on that wavelength of creating attraction. Either way, if you wanna learn what that language looks like, we have a free guide called the Nine Texts, where we've put together nine specific messages that you can use immediately. They're done for you. to build tension, create attraction, and flirt. And you'll actually see what that language looks like. So you can download this, it's free at nine texts.com you can use the number nine texts.com you can use these either exactly as they are or you can make them your own. But what's great about these is you can actually use them to create more attraction with the people you're dating. And this can help with things not fizzling out, not fading, and actually turning into something more real. NineTexts.com is that link. Download that now. And it wouldn't be an episode of the show if we didn't include Steven's feature, which we have decided to call... Steve's Sleeves. which is short for what's up Steve's sleeves? Yes. Which is short for, I wonder what's up Steve's sleeves in this episode. But Steve sleeves. But Steve sleeves has a really nice ring to it. And I just want to say producer David gets all the credit for this one because we are, we went around the room and say, what does Steve's special mystery feature get called? And I think there were a few names.

Steven's box. I mean, my idea didn't get chosen because I didn't choose Steve's sleeves.

Well, what was your idea?

I think it was Steven's magical bag or something.

It's so obvious why that lost.

Yeah, it's all about Steve's sleeves.

I think this probably makes acolyte of healthy passion look a little better.

Yeah, that was one of David's prior episodes, which I'm gonna be honest, made me question whether producer David should be producer David. But he has, with Steve's sleeves, He's redeemed himself. Completely redeemed himself.

And then he has great redemption.

Has he?

So anyway, the part, the reason it's called Steve's Sleeves is because we just never know what's really going to happen here, me and Audrey. David does. I don't.

He's come up with a little jingle for Steve's Sleeves.

David, have we got something?

Steve's Sleeves.

Good. Love it.

Very nice.

Okay, so we're going to go head to head. with the machines. We are doing the Love Life Pod versus Matthew AI today. So we have an AI that people will know, a lot of people use it and love it. We wanted to poke it a bit and we wanted to test it. So what we've done is in the name of flirting and first dates, we have asked it some key questions. Quirky, flirting questions, and we want to see the Love Life Pods answers versus Matthew AI's answers.

Okay.

Okay.

So I'm gonna get you- I'm gonna.

Be better than- who goes first?

I go first. Well, yeah, we can go around different.

People to answer for each one. Got it.

So it's also Audrey versus Matthew AI.

It's a Love Life Podcast versus Matthew AI.

Got it. And we want to see who has the better answers. So, number one, What's the sexiest favourite cheese you can have on a first date?

Sorry, you asked that of Matthew AI.

We did indeed.

Wait, I can't wait to hear what Matthew AI said. That's a great answer. So, what's the sexiest favourite cheese?

Yeah, if someone asks you your favourite cheese, what's the sexiest answer on a first date?

Wait.

So, what is the sexiest favourite cheese to have?

Maybe like Manchego.

Why Manchego?

Sounds nice.

So you just want to hear them say it?

It's not too stinky.

Say Manchego.

Manchego.

So, okay, you're gonna say Manchego. I would say maybe a salt crystal infused aged Gouda.

I had Gouda too, but Gouda doesn't sound as nice. Gouda.

I'll have an aged...

Okay.

Gouda.

So we have aged gouda and manchego. Matthew AI says, if you're looking to add a little flair and intrigue, go for burrata. Right.

So Matthew AI actually had an answer to this.

It's creamy, luxurious, and feels indulgent without being overly complicated. It's like mozzarella's cooler, creamier cousin.

I actually, you know, I had burrata in my head, but And hold on.

I just like Mozzarella's cooler, creamier cousin.

And hold on, if burrata isn't your style, he says, Manchego is another great option.

Did he say why?

It's a Spanish cheese with a nutty, slightly sweet flavor that feels unique but still approachable.

Yeah.

Wow. Matthew, I'm gonna call it four. I mean, David, I think Matthew AI crushed us, but you tell me.

I think Brie was left off.

Of... You think Brie?

Brie, wine, there's a kind of... Too stinky?

Oh, I think that it would be sexy if someone ordered a real stinker.

Okay.

Go on, Steve.

Question number two. I have an extensive collection of antique brooches, and it's important to me to wear as many as possible. How many is too many brooches to wear on one blouse in the first date? Give me a concrete maximum number.

Oh, God. How many times has Matthew AI had to answer that question? There's a stat. What's the stat now on how many questions Matthew AI has answered?

It's over 2 million.

Over 2 million. That's a first.

Definitely.

In over 2 million questions, there's no way that's come up before. All right, how many is too many?

Yeah, what's the maximum number you could get away with?

Well, below, I assume that below a certain age, any broaches is too many, right?

Below a certain age.

Like, if you're 21, how many TikTokers are you seeing wearing broaches?

It depends on your style, right? You might be someone who, like, just has that kind of, like, edgy broachy vibe.

Like vintage broach vibe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see a lot of people walking around Silver Lake with multiple broaches.

Do you, David?

Yeah.

See?

See? That shows me, now I'm out of touch. I don't know what's going on in Silver Lake. I don't know what's happening in Williamsburg.

This question's for you then.

So what's your number?

It really depends on who you're going on a date with. If you're going with, like, sort of, if you're going on a date with someone who's a bit indie, And, you know, you've seen from their pictures, they really, they're very maximalist with their jewelry. Then I'd say slap on like a decent number of brooches, you're probably fine. But otherwise, I'd say less is more. I'd say it's sort of like perfume or cologne, like less is more.

Well, give us a heart, 'cause Matthew AI gave us a heart.

I'm gonna say three brooches is like sort of, you shouldn't go more than three brooches.

Matthew AI says, I'd say three brooches is the sweet spot for the first day.

Oh!

It allows you to showcase your collection and express your personality without overwhelming your outfit or making it feel too busy.

Wow.

Well, here's you.

I wanna like, if Matthew AI was here right now, I wanna do like a high five.

All right, next question. I'm on a first date and I'm in the bathroom right now as I realize I just ate five of the six pieces of bread in the bread basket. And I'm sure Mike Date noticed and is judging me. Is there any way to recover from this faux pas?

Can we call it a faux pan?

Yeah, faux pan.

I think that you got to go back and own it. I think you go back from the bathroom and you say it just occurred to me that I absolutely demolished the bread basket and I might have left you hungry. Like I made the classic mistake of, you know, they say you should never shop when you're hungry. Apparently you should never go on a date this hungry either, 'cause I've eaten three quarters of the bread basket. I'm worried you're gonna starve.

I love that. I also think you can say.

You.

Can come back from the toilet and say, so it just occurred to me while I was in the toilet that I ate the whole bread basket. And now I'm really embarrassed. Can we order more bread?

That's good. That's a sweet, vulnerable vibe. I reckon there's even another version you could do where you come back from the bathroom and you say, I can't believe you ate the whole bread basket. I can't believe you ate the whole bread basket. I was really looking forward to some bread and you have. This is unbelievable.

And that way you can discover whether they have a sense of humour as well.

Okay.

I think I've done better than Matthew AI there.

Matthew AI says, first of all, take a deep breath. Eating most of the bread basket isn't the faux pas you think it is.

I thought you were gonna say that Matthew AI said, first of all, take a deep breath. You've got a lot of bread in your gut right now.

You just swallowed a lot of bread.

I like the idea that Matthew AI just, like, started actually make cracking jokes.

Oh, God. It's human. And honestly, it's something you can turn into a Charming moment if you handle it with confidence and humor. When you get back to the table, you could say something light-hearted like, I just realized I went to town on the bread basket. Clearly, I have no self-control where carbs are involved. I hope you're not secretly judging me.

That's really good.

Yeah, that's really good. This approach shows you're self-aware and invites.

Your date to laugh with you rather than focus on the situation. That's that one.

And you're one of, like, you ate all the bread. Were my two favorites. I'm gonna say, had I not said the last one, Matthew A.I. had the best answer. Yeah. I think I just edged it out with my, like, sense of irony.

There's two options, you know, there's two.

There's a sokey one, you can do a, I like it. There's a great one there. There's a great, like, you can't get it wrong one there. And there's a great, like, advanced level one if you want to show your sense of irony.

I agree.

This is, by the way, this might be my favorite Steve's Sleeves.

That's a big claim. You love the Disney one.

I've loved all of them. But this is like, I'm just not knowing what Matthew AI is going to say. is amazing.

Also, I love Matthew AI, like, takes all of these made up problems that you guys have come up with so seriously. And it's really sweet.

Matthew AI has had way more empathy than we've had.

Yeah, he's like, first of all, take a deep breath. Don't worry about it. You can come back from.

You've got this. Take a deep breath. You've eaten a lot of bread. That is unbelievable. I'm, we've been, we've been We've had Matthew AI available for like, what, going on a year now?

Just under a year.

Just under a year. I'm still shocked by it. That is shocking.

It keeps getting better and better.

Oh my God. If you haven't tried it, go check it out for yourself. And by the way, if you get any great answers from Matthew AI that you wanna share with us, please email them to us podcast@matthewhussie.com say, I asked Matthew AI this question, Here's what it said you have to know and just put the subject line you know Matthew AI or Pastor Bowties you can try Matthew AI at askmh.com if you have never tried it before you get some free questions so take advantage of those that link again is askmh.com Well, thank you for listening, everyone. I really, I really enjoyed this episode. I really enjoyed this episode. I think we are officially cooking with the new Love Life podcast format.

Cooking pasta.

That hats off to David and Stephen, who are doing an amazing job putting these things together. And this is so much fun. Let us know what you think. Podcast@matthewhussie.com and we will see you in the next episode of Love Life. Bye.

Bye bye.