How to Get Over Someone You STILL Can't Get Over | Rewind

The connection and chemistry she says is everything she ever wanted. But then goes on to say a few weeks later he ghosted me. Which by the way, isn't everything you ever wanted. Hey everybody, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life podcast. I am excited to share this clip with you today. Let's get into it. Two years ago I met someone. He came into my life out of nowhere and it was easy. It wasn't obsessive, it wasn't addictive. It was just easy and good. Our connection and chemistry was everything I ever wanted. A few weeks later, he ghosted me. We eventually had a conversation. He wasn't ready for a relationship. We stayed friends. A few months later we tried again. After being friends for six months, it obviously didn't work. Again, I didn't trust him enough and it was hard. We stayed in touch and continued to see each other often taking things very, very slow. And suddenly I discovered he had a girlfriend. It's been a year now. I have traveled a lot and went on a solo trip to Bali. I have dated, but nothing compares. He once told me he saw himself marrying me, but he wasn't ready for anything like that. He wasn't ready to be the man I needed. We see each other around but we never speak. And it feels as if the connection and chemistry is still there and others point it out. How do I get over him? How do I make myself see that he is not the person for me? Please help. I don't want to waste another year.

I think this is such a relatable email.

Tell us why.

You know, it wasn't the great love story of, you know, a five year long relationship where you got a dog together and had a house. I just mean that it was a lot of the time that's very short lived and a lot of the time you don't know why. It just felt so good and so right that it just ends up getting being the thing that sticks under your skin.

I also think when someone says it was easy, you know, there's that feeling of I never normally click like this with somebody. It just felt so natural is another word people use. Felt really natural. It just was. It just felt right. When we were together, you know, this is the kind of thing people describe a kind of fluidity, an organic nature to how it feels to be with this person. It doesn't feel forced, it doesn't feel strange, it doesn't feel awkward. It feels so natural.

When we have that special chemistry, it's really easy to build a story and it becomes. It becomes extremely hard to let that go. Even like people have that years after where they go, but with them. The way it felt when we were together, when we were intimate, when we went on trips, like, the way it felt with them, it was just so much more, more than anyone since.

It becomes a memory played over and over and over again. It becomes a bit of a time warp. You. You get. You get lodged in a certain moment in your life, in a certain moment in time. And, you know, by definition it can never be that again. Like it was. It was that thing, that moment in time. And we should qualify it obviously, to begin with by saying that connection or no connection, chemistry or no chemistry, if someone didn't commit to us, then they couldn't make good on the promise of being everything we ever wanted. It wasn't the connection. And chemistry, she says, is everything she ever wanted, but then goes on to say, a few weeks later, he ghosted me. Which, by the way, isn't everything you ever wanted. Nor is this person not committing. Nor is this person finding a girlfriend. I don't know if it was how long that was going on for in the time you were speaking, but none of these things are things that are everything you ever wanted. Nor is you going away to Bali and doing all of these things and giving it space and giving it time and him not coming back to you and saying, I've made a giant mistake, which he's not doing. That's not everything you ever wanted either. So I think the starting point is realizing that this actually is a full far, far cry from everything you ever wanted. It stopped well short of that. Now. That doesn't stop that. What's the Spanish? Is it. No Portuguese word. Salade. Steve knows it.

We did. We talked about that word on another podcast. Saldade. Yeah.

Can you explain saldade to us, Steve?

You brought it up, Matt. I think it's some kind of feeling of wistful nostalgia, isn't it?

For the part, yeah. It's described as a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia that is supposedly characteristic of the Portuguese or Brazilian temperament. But it's a word that, to my knowledge, doesn't exist in quite the same way in other languages. But. But it's a very. It's a very descriptive word in that it captures something. And I don't think that. I don't think that the. What I'm saying is somewhat logical, right. That you. They didn't commit to you. They didn't give you what you wanted. So they, by definition aren't everything you ever wanted. But the logic of that doesn't eliminate the saudade that we may feel that wistful melancholy of what once was, that didn't turn into something more and that can linger. But the danger, of course, is thinking that that is an indication of how important something is instead of just seeing it as one of many, many experiences in our lives that may bring up that kind of a feeling. You may have that feeling about a time in your life where you were more physically able than you are now. You know, you may have a moment of melancholy for a time where you were healthier than you are now, or when you had a certain fun moment in your life with friends and life doesn't feel quite as carefree anymore, or you don't get to see those friends in that way anymore. We're. We're capable of that kind of melancholy about many things in our life. So I think that part of. Part of it is putting it on a level with lots of other things in your life that you may have a sense of melancholy for. That isn't really a wish for your life to go back there, but more just a moment, a moment of nostalgia for something. Rather than this nostalgia that I'm feeling means that I've really lost something important. That to me is the non sequitur. The idea that this relationship must be important because I still have feelings for it. And if you lose the sense that the relationship is important, which it wasn't because he didn't commit. So it was only important for the experience it gave you at the time. It was not important in the context of your life as a. Your future certainly wasn't that. It wasn't that because it didn't become that. So it was only important in what it gave you in the present. It was not important to your future. Once you lose that, so much of the sting of that melancholy is removed. It just. You're allowed to just feel it as a sense of melancholy instead of a tremendous sense of loss for a future that that was supposed to happen, but didn't. Hey everyone, if you haven't heard already, I have a brand new newsletter called the Three Relationships where every week on a Friday, I send you a brand new newsletter from me with philosophies, ideas and strategies that can help you in your love life. It is a great newsletter. I'm sending it to hundreds of thousands of people right now. You are missing out. If you are not getting this, it is free, it is super valuable and I promise you it will be an email you look forward to every every week. Go to the3relationships.com to sign up for free now and I will see you in your inbox this Friday.