How To Go From Dating App To REAL Conversation | Rewind

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With someone back and forth, send them a voice note back as an answer to one of their questions. It's a pattern break. They're hearing your voice, you stand out to them. You're three dimensional. Now, we did have a voice note from Emily Peel posing a challenging question. So here is Emily Peel.

Hi, Gems, it's Emily from Melbourne. I'm doing a voice memo because it's relevant to my question, which is for Matt. So a little while ago, Matt suggested that we ladies have a phone call with someone we've been chatting to on a dating site to get to know them a bit better. And so I've suggested this to some guys, about 10 of them, and two of them have had a chat with me and the rest of them have either ignored me or completely deleted me. I've now asked the guys I'm currently chatting with, you know, what's the problem with a phone call or a video chat? And they said, oh, well, that's very intense. And so now I'm wondering what Matt's thoughts are about that feedback and whether he would stick to his original advice or reconsider. Thank you. Appreciate you. All the best.

Now, Stephen, I have some thoughts on this because I think this forced me to kind of really sit and reevaluate. I didn't want to just brush this off. I wanted to really think about, is there a point here that we might have to go back and revise some of that advice as a single man, what's your opinion on someone trying to get on a call before a date?

I think it says a lot about where we are as a society that we would rather actually get ourselves out the door, go to a date, have drinks with someone, we don't know a total stranger than hear their voice on the phone. There's something very odd about that.

And yet you're someone who probably, if I were to create categories of people, I would probably put you in the category of people that aren't big talkers on the phone.

Well, not. Yeah, but if I'm. That's true in general, but if I'm getting to know someone and dating, I prefer talking on the phone to texting, quite honestly.

Well, let me ask you this. If you met someone in London and you knew that it's, you could actually go out on a date with them this weekend, would you. And they said, hey, why don't we jump on the phone and say hi? Would you then find that intense knowing that you might be able to see them as soon as this weekend?

No. I feel that would give me some comfort and reassurance hearing their voice, how they are on the phone, speech patterns, do we get on? Is it awkward? That would give me some re. Because when you're first going on the date with someone you've just been texting, that is the fear is, oh no, we're going to get there and realize there's no real chemistry. Now if it's first conversation and someone is pushing to the phone call, you are a bit like, oh, it's a bit like if someone's pushing you quickly to that before there's any rapport or desire or connection, you're like, oh, that's a bit much. And I don't want to suddenly have this person with my phone number and they can call me and God knows what. So I get, I get if it's early, but if you think I might go on a date with this person this week and we're getting to that point, I don't know, like, if they sell it as like, let's have a 5, 10 minute chat, I'm totally down for that.

Thoughts, Audrey?

Well, my thoughts are that if, you know, she specifically said guys that she'd met on a dating app. And I think the reason why 80 of men haven't responded well is because to go from talking to someone on a dating app to talk, jumping on the phone I think can feel a little intense. I feel like it's all about the way that you graduate in communication. So if you go from a dating app, the next organic step feels like adding each other on WhatsApp or getting each other's numbers and switching to text messages. The next sort of organic step after that would be a voice note or, or a phone call. If you are talking a lot and there's a lot of back and forth and you, you know that they're sat there texting you, not doing anything because for the next, over the last 20 minutes that's what they've been doing, then it makes sense to sort of Say, are you free if I call you for five minutes? Or something like that. I think the intensity comes from not actually having earned the level of intimacy where you would just jump on the phone because. And I'm not someone who gets scared off, but I think just in general, people I don't know, even, you know, I'm not talking in dating, but just in general trying to jump on the phone with me, I find quite overwhelming. Sometimes. I'm like, oh, there's people who I'm friends with who I, you know, it would. I would need to psych myself up in order to jump on the phone with them. So I can only imagine how it would feel. As someone I didn't know at all and didn't even have their number was suggesting. I think I can understand how it would feel intrusive. So I think it's not about the phone call being a bad idea, but rather there being an organic progression towards the phone call.

I agree with that.

That's my thoughts.

I think the progression matters. And many apps are encouraging more voice notes now. Like, Hinge has a thing where you can leave a voice note on your profile, and a lot of people do that now. So I think, like, warming someone up to, we got each other's number and I left you a voice Note that was 10 seconds on WhatsApp. Then it's like, I've heard their voice. They're a human like me. They're not a weirdo that these things do. You're having little comfort tests as you go, and then picking up the phone isn't such a weird idea.

Yeah. Or even I always think calling someone when you're on the way somewhere and you're just like, hey, I'm about to join up with friends in a couple of minutes. I just thought I'd say hi while I'm walking. I always think that kind of call is much easier even for someone else to receive than for you to be like, just at home, what's up? You know, then. Then there's no time limit on the call. But if you say to someone, hey, what's up? I have to go in a couple of minutes because I'm meeting up with friends. But I thought I'd just say hi while I'm walking from the station, that. That then gives someone the relief of, oh, okay, it's just a couple of minutes. And, oh, look, they're busy and they're doing something. And so you can have that kind of a phone call. I do think there's a difference between if you know you can meet up for a quick coffee date with someone this week, then there may be no need for the call. And in the past I have said that I would rather get on a call with someone just to be able to find out, as you said, Stephen, if there is a little bit of something, if we get on, if there's a bit of banter or a bit of, you know, just good conversation. But I also acknowledge that coffee isn't that time consuming. You don't have to give up a whole evening for a date. You can just meet someone for a quick coffee somewhere. And if you do that, then you don't necessarily need the phone call. I do think what gets weird is when you're speaking to someone that you have no hope of seeing anytime soon, either because they're in a different city or a different country and, or they're traveling right now and you're talking to them, but weeks later you still only texted.

I totally agree.

That seems weird to me.

I think it's weak and odd.

And a good, as Audrey said, a good graduation, a good, a good interim step is if someone is sending you mess. If you've been texting with someone back and forth as a pattern break, send them a voice note back as an answer to one of their questions. Be like, hey, what's up? I'm just walking to meet my friends. Basically, I guess I prefer this because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you answer their question by voice note. It's a pattern break. They're hearing your voice. You stand out to them. You're three dimensional and you're appealing to another one of their senses. Right? You're appealing to sound, not just. Or to hearing, not just visually through a text. So that's a nice way of putting yourself on someone's radar and getting them a bit more comfortable with you. If they hear your voice now, that feels. You feel more intimate, it feels closer. And then having the call feels less of a big deal as a graduation from that point, you're also, by the way, saying to them, it's also okay if you leave me a voice note. That's the whole point of the word reciprocity in communication, when you do something, you're also giving someone a green light to do that thing with you. So don't be afraid of the voice note. It doesn't have to be the first thing you leave but a few messages in. If you feel like texting has become a little bit. If there's been a lot of texting, it's a nice way to break the pattern. That's it for today, everyone. Before you go, big news. I have a date for our live retreat in Florida this October. It is going to be from the 9th to the 15th of that month. We're going to be spending six days together working on your biggest challenges in life. I can't wait to see you there. Go to mhretreat.com to apply now. Sam.