In this episode of the "How to Heal From a Narcissistic Relationship" podcast, Matthew AI hosts a candid conversation with Cara, a member of his Club 320 community, about her ten‑year abusive relationship with a narcissist and the deep shame that stems from childhood trauma, family loss, and the dynamics of the relationship. Cara shares that she feels unlovable unless she performs for others and struggles to identify her true self beyond the roles of athlete, mother, worker, and trauma survivor. Matthew validates her experience, emphasizing that as a child she lacked guidance and that she did the best she could with the tools she had. Together they explore how to release shame, replace it with self‑compassion, and stop defining identity through past mistakes. They discuss the importance of recognizing that the need for validation is a human need, not a personal flaw, and how to give oneself the safety and love previously sought from others. The dialogue moves toward practical steps: letting go of the story that holds you back, focusing on finding peace, and acting from a place of love rather than insecurity. Matthew also highlights the role of community—Club 320—and his weekly personal‑advice email as resources for ongoing support and growth. The episode ends with a call to join the community and a reminder that authentic connections and self‑care are essential for healing.
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So I just got back from a weekend in Zion National Park with a very special group of people as part of my Club 320 program. And there was a moment in this weekend that I thought would speak to a lot of people out there. Cara, one of my group, talked about the self-esteem issues that she had that led to a 10-year narcissistic, abusive relationship that she is still struggling to heal from. We talk about her healing and how she can learn to forgive herself for the time that she spent in that relationship, which is something she has been struggling to do. Cara kindly and bravely offered for us to release this video. Thank you, Cara, for being vulnerable enough to share your story. And without further ado, I present to you Cara from Club 320.
Can we sit together on the floor across from each other in the middle of the circle?
I'm quite happy to sit on the floor.
You've already helped me with the first thing, which is just knowing that I could ask for something from a man and have him care enough about me to give that. so thank you for that.
You're welcome.
The story that I have about myself is that I'm not lovable and that I'm not likable just as I am. That I'm only lovable for what I can do for other people. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. I'm still trying to figure out who I am. Oh, God, this is hard. And trying to figure out who's the real me, right? So not the former college athlete me, not the mom me, not the hard worker me, and not the trauma survivor me. So my question to you is how do I release the shame that I feel? Find my true self? and step authentically into that in front of others and show up in a fearless way with my real self.
What is the shame you feel?
I've felt shame, I think, ever since I was a kid. So my brother committed suicide when I was six in our house. My family basically fell apart. And no one was there for me to deal with my pain as I was dealing with that. He was my best friend. And then I felt like I had to perform for love for my dad. And that was the only way I really got his attention. And then I ended up in a 10-year relationship with a narcissist who I had two kids with, have two kids with. I feel shame about all of those things. I feel proud of myself for leaving, but I feel shame for having stayed for as long as I did.
So, thank you.
You were a child.
Who had nowhere to take that emotion, had no guidance. You realize a child needs, in order for that situation not to be something that they spend many years trying to process and deal with in unproductive ways needs amazing guidance. You didn't just not get amazing guidance. You had really bad support, completely absent support. More than that, this invalidation. I'm not allowed to process this. I can't deal with this. You were a child. So let's keep that part really simple. You were a child. Since then, you have been doing the best you could every step of the way. That shame that you feel Do you... Do you know how many people are in this room right now? Because a night where they made a.
Bit of a reckless decision went their way.
Should they all feel shame?
No.
We do shit. We're human beings, we do shit. You got into a relationship and every step of the way in that relationship, you did the best you could in that relationship. And the best you could for a long time wasn't being strong enough to leave because you didn't have the tools, you didn't have the resources, you didn't have the DNA, you didn't have the childhood, you didn't have a whole cocktail of things that would have made it possible for you to leave five years sooner. So, For you, something really drastic had to happen, and that was a wake-up call that doesn't deserve shame. It requires compassion. You have done the best you could. And guess what? Today's best is better than yesterday's best. and that's exciting. It's exciting. There are accidents that happen all the time that people can't predict, that they look back on if I have only just not left the door open of the house, if I'd have only just not kept my, you know, left my kids for five minutes in that situation, if I. There are situations like that. every single day. And it's just, we're lucky it wasn't us that day. So there's a story you're telling yourself. There's a story you're telling yourself. And it's, that story is actually getting in the way of your true nature. It's getting in the way of who you can really be. And I honestly, the whole like, who am I thing? I don't know how productive that is because who are any of us? Like, what are we? Just a kind of composite of things we've gotten good at, books we've read, memories, stuff we've done in our lives. Like, we could have been a completely different composite if we just read a different book or been called a different name or grown up somewhere different. I don't know that that's as interesting to me as what you can do, and the peace that you can feel if you actually let go of this attachment to this identity you formed to yourself and to your story. Because you've been beating yourself up for a long time. I know that. I've spent my lifetime beating myself up. So has my mom. We're fucking pros at it. And my journey has been the same as yours. What do I do to stop doing that? Well, firstly, I realized that so much of me beating myself up is just another story. I can wake up today and I can be whoever I want to be. I can show up however I want to show up. What if I let go of that baggage? And maybe instead of trying to discover who I am, what if I just made it my mission this year to find peace within myself. I'm just going to find peace within myself. And then I'm going to see what I feel like creating from that place of peace. I'm going to see what I feel like doing from that place of peace. I'm going to see what kind of relationships I'm interested in from that place of peace. Because what you'll find is what you choose to do, create, who you choose to spend time with, will be completely different from that place of peace than they will be from this place of shame. Completely different life comes from that.
-Will that help me feel like I can be more myself and feel more lovable and feel more like I can show up in relationships authentically?
-What does it mean to show up authentically?
To not be second guessing what I.
Need to be for everybody else, like.
To just be like, this is who I am, take it or leave it.
Yes. But who are you? I don't know. I don't know. You know, like, I wake up every day and I know that I want to try to be the best person I can be. Right? I mess up all the time. I get agitated too easily, or I get anxious and I make a mistake, or all of those things happen. But every day I wake up and I try to just connect to what is the most loving Matthew want? How does he want to show up? How does he want to treat people? And every day I'm looking for, is this thing coming from ego and insecurity and greed and And fear, or is it just coming from love? How would I show up right now if I was just coming from a place of love? Love for myself and love for other people. How would I show up from that state? And I don't think you need to worry about discovering who you are. I think you need to worry about losing the shame and reconnecting to how does Cara show up? when she's actually just coming from a place of love. That's going to be the difference. Not from insecurity, not from I'm trying to feel whole by getting somebody else, or I'm trying to get validated by having someone want me, or I'm trying to, how do I show up if I'm just coming from a place of peace and love? It's a very different thing. And I don't want you to be preoccupied with this discovery Because I do think it's kind of a red herring. I think the issue is that right now you're identifying too much with all of this. You're not your mistakes. Your mistakes arose out of parts of you that were trying to get their needs met. You're not those mistakes. The parts of us that are trying to get their needs met can create a lot of problems in our life. But what was behind those things wasn't bad, it wasn't evil. It was just something was trying to be okay. Something was trying to be heard. A need was trying to get met. And you were doing your best in that moment with the tools you had. That's it. We don't have to think any more about it than that. Now what we have to do is start you giving yourself the things that all along you've been trying to get from everybody else. I am not, I don't want to be defined by who I am now in this room, as a speaker, a coach or whatever. I don't want to be defined by those things because all I'm doing is, is that who I am? Not really. If I do that, then I'm just defining myself by what you all think of me at the end of the day. That's my worth now. Well, what if I have a bad day? My worth plummets because you all think less of me today. That can't be it. What you do isn't who you are. So you don't need to figure out what do I do in life that's who I am or whatever. It's just right now losing the shame and going into the next day of your life from a much more peaceful place. Can't keep looking backwards. We've got too much to do now.
We've actually got stuff to do.
And.
I know I'm... Last thing. Why are we sitting on the floor?
Well, partly because I wanted to be.
Closer to you and have like better eye contact and partly because I felt.
Like if I was on the floor, I felt more safe.
Okay.
Like I wasn't gonna like pass out or something.
But there was also another element you said that if you could ask for something and it be given to you, right? Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. So.
That thing that you wanted given to you, that had to be you giving it to you.
Right?
What if I'd said no?
Yeah, I would have had a hard time with that.
You would have had a hard time? So then I own you.
Yeah.
I understand what you're saying.
Then I own you. Because what you're saying is, I have complete power over you. I don't even need to fucking move. In fact, I can sit exactly where I am. in that chair and have complete power over you and your emotions. I don't want to have that power over you. I don't want you to give me that kind of power. I don't want you to give anyone that kind of power. Because if that's the case, you'll go to the next relationship, seeing if he'll do the thing that you need him to do so that you can feel okay.
And that's what I've done in all my relationships.
Right.
Pretty much pop all my life.
Right.
I just need you to. Text me back in the next hour so that I know that I'm okay.
Right?
That whatever that was that you wanted from me, that's the thing you have to give to yourself.
Right?
I needed to know that if you sat here with me that that would make me feel safe because it would make me feel like I could get someone to do something. That cannot be where your safety comes from. It has to come from you saying, what's the safety I'm looking for outside of myself in the first place? What's the validation I'm looking for outside of myself in the first place? How do I start giving that to myself? And you'll have examples of it because you'll know that there are people in this room who have made huge mistakes in their life. And you don't think that discounts them from a life where they receive love. You don't think they should forever live in shame for their mistakes, right? So, what makes you so special? That you should just be a shame ball for the rest of your life? Where's the exceptionalism for you? Does it make sense? You're a human in this room. We're all just humans in this room. You're another one. Why does it make sense you would treat you worse? And I don't know if you've read my new book.
I did.
But the whole point is we're all just humans. But the only difference is your job isn't to look after these humans for the rest of your life. or to make them happy for the rest of your life. But your job is to do that for you. The only thing that's really different about you is that you're the one who has that job. So time to start doing that job. Kara, thank you. I really enjoyed this interaction.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
Well, I think community is this ingredient.
That.
We get to foster in our lives.
And if we build a strong community with like-minded people, if we find our people and we form real authentic bonds with those people, then it becomes this great ingredient in our life. What I love about this is that.
Club 320, no matter what, they have.
These connections that that they have formed with each other. Many of you don't know, every Friday now I write a personal advice email to my community on my mailing list. It is, I think, one of the best things I do every week, and so many of you aren't signed up.
To it right now.
It's free. You can join at thethreerelationships.com. it will take you 10 seconds to join, and then you can look forward to my private this Friday. Every week I give advice on finding love, heartbreak, managing our emotions, improving our confidence. It's really practical. It's filled with free valuable information. And I also write things in this email that are quite personal to me that I don't write anywhere else. And this is the only place to access it. So if you want to get this email from me straight into your inbox every Friday, all you need to do is sign up. It'll take you 10 seconds at www.thethreeRelationships.com and I'll see you in your inbox this Friday. And I'll see you next week. Be well and love life.
