7 Oct 2022 · 1 min
Matthew AI breaks down how to set and communicate your standards early in dating using a real example: a woman who got nine days of radio silence after three dates. He outlines three steps: keep a realistic view of the person, identify what you actually need like banter or excitement, and speak up directly about it.
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He didn't really text for nine days and then nine days later sent a text saying, Hey, sorry, not playing games, just really busy right now.
Welcome back to another mini episode. Have you ever had someone who doesn't text enough in between dates? Or have you dated someone who has some great qualities but isn't meeting your needs? In this clip, I explain three key principles that get someone to meet your standards and how you can communicate these standards.
Enjoy. I was recently on Australian TV via Zoom, and there was a woman that her story was essentially that she'd been on three dates with a guy. On the second date, she brought up the fact that he didn't seem to banter with her much between dates. Now, she brought this up because she said, this is really important to me. I know I love being able to banter with someone, and when someone doesn't give me much of that, It's like I'm not having something that I know is a big thing for me. So she mentioned it to him. She said it didn't really change after that. Not only that, but after the third date, he didn't really text for nine days and then nine days later sent a text saying, Hey, sorry, not playing games. Just really busy right now. At that point, she said to me, Matthew, what do I do? you know, I've, is this a sign that he really doesn't like me? Is it just an excuse? Or is it real and I should keep pursuing this person? Here are three principles I'm going to start you on. And if you've got a pen and paper right now, I want you to write these down. Number one, temper your enthusiasm. So often we create this ideal picture of someone in the beginning and we never update it. If you learn new information, he's not very good at bantering with you between dates and that's important to you, He doesn't message me for days on end. And when he does, he doesn't ask me on another date. He just apologizes for not being around. Update your perception of this situation and this person, or at the very least, your perception of how right this person is for you. And that brings us on to the second point, which is understand your needs, know yourself. If you know that you value that initial excitement and that fun and that romance, and this person isn't delivering on that, then be honest with yourself about the fact that this situation isn't really meeting your needs of your dating life, of what you really want. So again, it doesn't mean this person is a write-off but it does mean you should temper your enthusiasm about this person. And lastly, speak up. If you don't like something, if you want it to be different, if you want to just express that in order for me to continue to invest, I need it to be different, then speak up about what it is you want or what you're not happy with. You could send a message to someone who messages you after three weeks saying, Hey, let's hang out. And inside, you're like, Where the fuck have you been for the last three weeks? You could send someone a message and just say, LOL, you were supposed to send me this message two weeks ago. That's having a little jab at them in a playful way. But it also expresses your standard. Expressing your standard doesn't have to come in any aggressive form or any passive aggressive form even. It could just come in the form of making fun, teasing someone. A little bit of humor goes a long way in these situations, especially early on, when your standard shouldn't become an expectation. The difference between standards and expectations is a standard is about me, an expectation is about you. We want to be wary of expectations in early stage dating. Instead have standards. Standards mean if you're not giving me what I need, I'm going to modify my investment, my energy, my excitement in this situation accordingly. And when I speak up about that, it doesn't make you feel like a bad person for not doing something, but it does make you realize the stakes of you not doing something are potentially allowing me to drift until I'm no longer there. Now they start to respect you, not as someone who they're afraid of because they're afraid you're going to bite their head off, but respect you as someone who knows what she wants. These three principles will serve you in any stage of dating, but especially if you find yourself weighing up how right someone is in the early stages and if not over investing physically, over investing emotionally by thinking too much about someone who hasn't earned it yet.
If you want more advice on how to communicate with someone that you're attracted to, I have an entire program called How to Talk to Men, and I've taken a free chapter from that program that you can check out today, totally free, over at GetTheFreeChapter.com, check it out.
