How To Love After Being Hurt

Hello. Hello. Welcome back to the love life podcast. I am, of course, Stephen Hussey, your host and Confidant in these episodes. and today we are talking about the feeling when you feel like you can't take any more pain in love, when you've been through one too many breakups, one too many disappointments or betrayals, or just a feeling that you someone didn't turn out to be who you thought they were, and you just feel like I can't take this anymore. I'm giving up. I'm done, deal me out. And that's a position many, many people find themselves in when they're struggling between their desire to go out there again and look for love and, you know, we all have that human desire for connection, but we also know it comes with risk. And we felt that pain and we felt how terrible it is to go through that and you go through another recovery and you're down and you feel kicked to the floor and you Finally pick yourself back up and you just think, do I really need this? Is it worth it? Is it worth the headache when, hey, maybe I'm successful in other areas of my life and maybe I can get meaning from them. And this is an interaction between Matt on stage in the Philippines and a woman who talks about her situation and her experience with this feeling like she can't take any more. And I want you to listen to Matt's response because It's a crucial lesson on changing the narrative we tell ourselves and having goals that actually inspire us instead of ones that are linked towards something very small, small, like, I just don't want to suffer or I just don't want to get hurt. And of course that's true, but it's not really an inspiring goal to aim for. It's not an inspiring North Star to aim for. Check it out. I want you to listen to it. Let's jump to Mountain Stage now.

Well, first of all, I want to thank you because I follow you from, I don't know, maybe 2010 or something. And then, you know what? Your impact program actually helped me to get to the top of my career right now. So, yeah, from being depressed. And then, yeah.

Wow.

And right now, I'm I'm the top of my career, but in love life, actually, quite crumbling down.

But, wait, what does that mean, your love life's crumbling down?

I mean, yeah, so the last two of my previous relationship were abusive, and I've been cheated on. So I decided, I don't know what to do to this point that You know what? I think I'm gonna stop finding you guys for like a year or two and focus on my career. But then when I got back to try to find the guys, it's hard for me to open up. To be vulnerable to the other people.

Why?

Because I don't know. I think I left my guard up or something like that. I don't want to be hurt.

Because you've been burned already. Yeah, because you got hurt already.

Yes.

Yeah. But you're putting your guard up so you don't get hurt again.

Yeah, kind of like that.

So we have to change the goal.

Okay.

Because your goal right now is don't get hurt. Yeah, it's a kind of a boring goal.

Thank you.

No, but I'm saying this because you're clearly not a boring person. So it doesn't suit you to have a boring goal.

Thank you. Yes.

It's not, this isn't your goal. You've taken this goal from some version of you that's scared, that's not the version that I see, that's interesting and complex and wants to go out there and live and do things. The woman who bought my impact program and then used that to rise up in her career. you said you were depressed.

Yeah, I was depressed in 2014.

Right.

After I graduated from my Master of Law degree.

Right.

Because I don't know what to do. And then I bought your impact program. And then right now I'm a head legal counsel.

Yep.

And I'm at the top of my game, actually. Right.

So this. This woman isn't the same woman as the one who has a goal that is, I don't want to get hurt. All right, that's a boring goal and all it is is avoiding something instead of going after something. The goal, I want you to change the goal. The goal now is who do I want to be? Forget what I want to get. Look, in my business, if I stepped up on stage here right now and I thought about what I want to get from this situation, I wouldn't last up here. You guys would see it. You'd know my, you'd be able to read my intentions even if subconsciously and you would see it's about me, it's not about an impact I want to make. Right? I'm coming up here because I want to get something from you. No. I come up here because there's a person that I want to be in this life and I want to be a giver. I want to be someone who says truth. I want to be someone who doesn't, isn't afraid to go and say things even if they're unpopular. I want to be someone who can genuinely say, I made a difference today. I did something today.

Right?

Even if I'm scared, even if I'm a little nervous, I'm in front of a new crowd today, new country, new audience. I don't know if any of my jokes are gonna land. I don't know if you're gonna like anything I have to say. So I was a little nervous today. Oh shit, new crowd. Uh-oh. Right? Different crowd. I don't know what it's gonna be like. We'll see, I guess. But I can't be the person who doesn't get up on stage. That's not an option, right? I could be the person you don't find funny. I can be the person that you didn't find interesting. I went to see that Matt Hussey guy. I thought he was going to be great. He was okay. I could be that. I can live with that. I can't live with not getting on stage. Can't do that. That one's not an option. And I want you to change the goal. I'm not trying to avoid pain. There's a person in this life I want to be. Winda has to be someone who actually, A, goes after what she wants, B, loves because she's a loving person, not because she's trying to get something or because she's, oh, I'll only love if I can't get hurt. That's bullshit, right? Tell a boxer, you can get in the ring, but, you know, I'll fight this fight, but as long as I don't get hurt. Doesn't work like that. You're a boxer. You're a boxer, you get in the ring and you do it. And that's what you do because that's the kind of person you are. You don't avoid, you get in the ring and you do it. Who in your life do you love, by the way? You've got any women in your life that you really love? My sister.

Your sister?

Are you older or younger, sis? Twins.

Twins? So, okay.

What's your name, sis? WiNa. WiNa? Yeah. So WiNa and WiNdA. Yeah. All right. All right. This is amazing. So, Winda, you love your sister?

So much.

How much?

So much.

How much?

Like oceans.

Right. So, loving someone means more than giving to them.

Correct.

It means showing them.

Correct.

Show them what great living looks like. Show them what living, what going out there and blowing it up and making amazing things happen actually looks like. Because she'll get strength from you. And if your twin sees you hiding because you're afraid of getting hurt, that's going to affect her as well. One, it's going to give her pain because she's going to see her sister hiding instead of thriving. Two, it's going to make her feel like, oh, maybe I need to do the same thing. I don't know. My sister's so afraid of this. Maybe I should be afraid of this too. I'm a brother. I'm one of three boys. Right, I got to show my brothers what it is to be brave. Because they need to be brave too. And loving them means more than giving to them. It means I want to show them an example of what brave looks like. Because I want them to do it as well. Any mums in the room who has got a kid? Right, so if you're hiding or if you're not going out there and making things happen, what's gonna happen? Your kids copy who? They copy you. So when, oh, I see mom's not happy, that affects me. Oh, and she does it this way or dad does it this way. Oh, maybe I should do it that way. So they start learning those lessons. The most loving thing you can do for someone is show them a great example. You've got people you love in your life. Don't just go out there and make things happen and take risks for you. Do it because you want to show them what a powerful woman looks like. And you show them, you would want to teach her the lesson that not to avoid pain that she's bigger than any pain, correct? Right. Right. So the way you teach her that she's bigger than any pain is you go out and show you're bigger than any pain.

Yes.

There is no relationship that can, can I get heartbroken? Yeah. Can some man make me cry? Yep. Can I get hurt? Yep. Is anyone gonna be able to stop me going out there and doing it again? Nope. There isn't a single human being powerful enough on earth to bring you down. And when you show her that, then you're being the most unbelievable twin on Earth. Because now she sees what a powerful woman is. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So we changed the goal. The goal was, how do I not get hurt? I'm afraid to get hurt. Avoid pain. The goal now is be a powerful woman for myself and for the people I love to set an example. And then it doesn't matter how much I get hurt, because I'm going to keep doing this shit because that's who I am.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

One thing this example from Matt shows so clearly is the importance of our internal programming. So many people enjoy our content because we have practical examples and we give techniques of how to text and how to flirt and about attraction and all that stuff. that's all great, but that's competence. But to actually get what you want in love, to have a meaningful, fulfilling relationship with the right person, that's about confidence, deep internal core confidence. And, you know, if your programming leads you to choose the wrong people all the time because you have a low self-worth and you think you don't deserve someone who treats you well or you know, your programming teaches you, well, I've suffered trauma, I've suffered setbacks, and I can't bring myself to trust again. And then that affects your whole relationships because there's not trust there, or you feel like you're cynical, so you never meet someone where you're willing to open yourself again to love. All that stuff is wiring that affects whether we find that person and whether we're ready for them when we actually do see that person and. It's something that we have to get right if we want to actually find happiness in love that's lasting. And so that's why we do our retreat program, which is the biggest, highest end thing we do in our company, where we fully immerse people, we take them for five days, we actually work on this, like what's holding you back, what's your trauma, let's rewrite your identity script and the kind of narrative you're telling yourself. all that stuff is the foundation upon which the scaffolding and house of the relationship is built. And, you know, if you feel like you're in a place in life right now where you are ready for that and you are ready to actually take a serious next step to working on your internal wiring, to start rewriting the story you tell yourself and to go ahead with a new shiny, clean slate and actually work on those issues, apply for the retreat program. Because there's nothing else we do like it. It's the thing we're the most proud of. It's our baby. We put so much energy and an amazing team and creativity into it and our events there are epic. Anyone who's been will tell you it is an amazing experience that we as team members of the How to Get the Guy company fight to be on that program because we all have such a deep love and a connection with the people we meet there. So if you're serious about doing that, apply at MatthewHussyRetreat.com and we will talk and see if the retreat is right for you. We'll get one of our specialists to speak to you and hopefully you can come and join us. So there's one coming up later this year. We have more in the future as well. You can go there and apply. And I am gonna head out now. I hope you are keeping safe. I know for many of us, this weekend coming up might be a. An indoorsy one, and that could last for some time because of various quarantines and lockdowns. I hope you're, you know, not experiencing too much stress, whatever you're doing. I hope you're helping in whatever way you can and. looking after your loved ones and looking after yourself. That is it from me. Take care of yourself. Have a wonderful weekend. I will be here next week, as per usual. Take care. See you later.

I see the vlog sites. Ooky whoop. Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love. Beautiful.

I'm looking for love.