22 Jul 2022 · 1 min
Matthew AI breaks down a four-part formula for turning casual hookups into real relationships: chemistry, perceived value, perceived challenge, and emotional connection. He explains why withholding your full value early makes the other person invest more, and how neglecting any piece causes things to fizzle.
If you feel someone investing, you give more value. But what you don't do is give all of your value to someone who's not respecting it. Hey everyone, it's Matthew. Fun, quick episode today. This is me live coaching someone on the four stages of what it really takes to create deep attraction beyond just looks and visual chemistry.
You know, it's easier to establish a physical connection with someone. Do you have advice on how someone can deepen a relationship past a physical connection?
Well, the physical connection relates to, I suppose, chemistry, but chemistry isn't the same as deep attraction. And there in my programs, I teach an attraction formula that has four parts that create deep attraction. The first part is chemistry. which is the part you're talking about, that excitement, that physical connection, that animal attraction. The other three parts are perceived value, perceived challenge, and connection. Perceived value is about someone's perception of your value. Now, we all have intrinsic value, but perceived value is super important. If someone doesn't perceive us to have value, they're not hiring us for their company. They're not wanting to be with us for a relationship or... So we need ways of creating perceived value, and we can talk about this, but there are various... There are things you can do on a first date that create perceived value. Then there's perceived challenge, which is not giving all of your value upfront. Just because you can cook a Michelin star meal, it doesn't mean that you do it for anybody who comes to your house, right? You have to allow people to earn that value in your life and not give all of your value simply because you really like someone. That's a really dangerous thing to do. One of the things I've said for years is don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in a person based on how much they invest in you. So if you feel someone investing, you give more value. But what you don't do is give all of your value to someone who's not respecting it. The irony is that if you give your value to someone who's not respecting it, there's no challenge and your perceived value actually drops. Because what someone says is, we've all had that feeling at some point in our lives where someone wanted to do too much for us too quickly, whether it's a romantic relationship or a friendship or anything. It makes us suspicious. It makes us wonder what's going on. Why are you doing so much for me? You barely know me. How can you love me this much? How can you even like me this much? You barely know me. So what we conclude is that They must, in some, there must be some kind of desperation or some kind of strange agenda on their part that is the fuel behind this. It's not, it can't come from a genuine connection because we're not there yet. So perceived challenge is understanding that just because you have a lot of value to give, you have to be careful about how you give that value. And then connection is the extent to which you feel seen by someone and you truly see them. In order to have chemistry on a physical level, no one needs to really understand the other person. You don't need to be seen. You just need to think someone's hot and they think you're hot and you happen to have some kind of physical connection in that moment. But it is not the same as, oh, I feel truly seen by this person. This person understands who I am. Maybe they understand my journey. Maybe they relate to my trauma. Maybe they relate to my worldview. I understand their values. I respect their values. It is all of that stuff that makes us feel like, oh, I have a much more deeper, maybe even a soulful relationship with this person. So all four of those things have to be present for deep attraction. And the reason I like that model is because a lot of people who say, you know, I just. There was something physical and it was really fun, but then they just disappeared. Well, okay, there's also the possibility that they're just not ready for anything real, but we have to consider the possibility that one of those components of deep attraction. weren't being fulfilled and that's why it didn't continue. Thanks for listening. If you haven't checked out the free guide over at leave limbo.com that helps you if you are seeing someone right now and you want to actually move it to a relationship go download that free guide at leave limbo.com.
