How To Overcome Your Biggest Dating Insecurities

Where's that?

Oh, it's in Miami, Steven.

Have you forgotten? I think you're talking about the Matthew Harsy retreat.

Now the two-day version of the Matthew Harsy retreat. First time ever, Steven. Used to be six days, now it's two. Much easier to come to than ever. More affordable. Travels easier.

Less time off work. You can come, you can change your.

Life in two days and get the hell out. Okay, and am I gonna work on.

My core confidence in that retreat?

You will have a better relationship with yourself by the end of it, yes. Am I gonna deal with my unhealthy patterns and habits?

There will be patterns that you've had.

Your whole life that you've struggled to overcome. Fatal flaws, dare I say, that you will be able to finally shift, yes.

Okay, and I'm a man. Do you think I could pop along?

I, yes, actually, for the first time.

Well, 'cause you used to only have women on the retreats.

Only women before, now men can come. In droves.

Oh, well.

Any men have been watching our content for the first time. They are officially cordially invited.

Okay, where can I go and grab that?

MHretreat.com, Stephen.

And is it true you have early bird tickets right now?

Absolutely. They are deeply discounted, only for two more days. So you can go, do you need me to repeat the website again?

Yeah, please. Just let me write that down.

MHretreat.com.

MHretreat.com, okay. And that's www dot...

The very same.

Great. okay. Well, thanks very much.

You're very welcome. I don't know if that was helpful to anyone else out there, but if you did want to check it out, please do. We would love to have you. Now, in today's episode, we are talking about confidence in the face of rejection. We're talking about feeling stuck in dating. We are talking about situations where it feels like the odds are against you somehow, maybe because there is something going on with your life, your circumstances, your personality, the things you've been through in life. There is something about your situation that makes dating seem to be particularly difficult. And that can make us feel worn down. It can make us feel hopeless. It can make us feel like perhaps this just isn't going to happen for us. We're going to talk about all of this. We've got some wonderful Love Life members who have left voicemail on the Love Life hotline. Love Life Line.

Love Life Line.

And, well, Stephen's got some kind of surprise thing happening, I suppose, because you always do, Steve. You spring on us some sort of weird game.

No, we might have a little feature.

Feature. Okay, fine. And we've got an interview today, a special interview with none other than Lewis Howes, which we're gonna slot right into the middle of this episode. You know, the world's got enough two-hour podcasts. They don't need another one.

Rude.

Well, no, I'm saying there's a place for it. But, you know, some of our very friends do it the best that it's done in the world. Including Lewis. Including Lewis. But, you know, we thought, let's do something a little different.

Okay.

Bring people an episode with lots of different things going on, but in the middle we can slot in someone we think is wonderful. And today it is Lewis Howz and he's going to be talking about the subjects that we've just been speaking of that are coming up in the episode. Coming up for Love Life members, we have a Love Life Live event tomorrow in Los Angeles. So if you haven't grabbed your ticket for Love Life Live yet and you are a Love Life member, this is only available for people who are in Love Life. You can grab yours and we'll see you tomorrow night. It's going to be amazing. We're both going to I'm going to do a little talk. and then everyone's going to go out afterwards, meet other members, socialize. It's going to be a great time.

We'll have a little hang.

Stephen, you'll be there, Audrey, you'll be there. Can't wait. On the 28th of March, we have a live check-in. Stephen, you're doing a live check-in with the Love Life community. I will be doing a live check-in on April the 4th. On April the 7th, there's a live Q&A with me. And then on the 9th, there is a live Q&A with you. All of that coming up just in the next two weeks. If you aren't a Love Life member right now, you can go and join at joinlovelife.com. .com and there's both options for you to join us for the whole year as an annual member or month to month, whichever suits you. so, Stephen, we put a question on Instagram and a lot of people answered. What was the question?

Well, we asked people, what are the biggest challenges you personally think you face that make dating difficult? I want to highlight a specific theme that came up in this. There was a lot of people talking about personal insecurities they had, things about their own life and the way they felt about themselves. that they felt made it hard or impossible to date. So for example, we have someone who said, I don't have previous relationship experience at 26. It makes me feel less and not good enough. We had someone just say, I'm too shy. We also had someone say, I'm a single parent and I have a broken heart. Another person said, I've had next to no sexual experience and I'm turning 30 this year. We had someone say, I feel like I, they said, for me, poverty makes it difficult. I don't have enough money. Someone has said, I'm overweight. I feel like I'm cute, but I still struggle to fit the, quote, attractive standard. We had someone who said, I feel like I need to be a better me before I meet anyone. Like, I haven't arrived yet. I need to get there.

I think what's interesting about so many of these is how different they are. Like there's so many different reasons there why people are finding it hard. In a way, there's something comforting about that because not to minimize what anyone is saying, you know, there are things that in life can make dating more difficult, but There's something about the fact that they're all saying different things that says to me, wow, there's a lot of stories we can tell ourselves about why we're not going to find love. And most of us at some point in our lives have had a story about why it might not happen for us or why we're starting to get scared that it's not going to happen for us. And that story tends to become the loudest in times in our life where we feel particularly vulnerable or lonely or scared. Maybe we haven't dated anyone in a while. Maybe we are coming off the back of a painful rejection or a heartbreak. But that's when those stories either begin or when they the little seeds that have been planted at some point in our lives suddenly they grow into these you know, giant weeds. I had a moment in my life where I started to really think, oh, I'm. I'm not gonna meet someone that I really deeply, deeply feel connected to in the way that I'm looking for. I had had Partners where they were wonderful people, but I didn't feel that thing that I felt. you know, this is what I'm supposed to feel. I'm supposed to feel like this is it. This is my soulmate. This is my, you know, this is the best connection I've ever had. And so that was like one story I had was this idea that I'm not gonna, I'm never gonna, maybe that thing doesn't exist for me.

I had the same story. How funny. I had the same story. Exactly the same story.

I remember thinking at one point, maybe that certainty that other people feel is just isn't, maybe that doesn't belong to me. Maybe other people get to feel that and I don't. Another story I told myself was that I have chosen a career that has made it really, really hard for me to find love, ironically. You know, I was like, I can't be on the apps because it just instantly people would, you know, I remember going on the apps for a single day. I think I went on Bumble for a day at a time when we were, me and Jameson were running an event for Valentine's Day. I think you, I can't remember, you may have been there, Steve. Anyway, we did a whole event called V-Day in my PJs for Valentine's Day, and it was us in our pajamas and we were going to give like great responses for dating app messages and stuff like that. So I joined a dating app Bumble for a day, and within a day I realized, oh, I can't do this. It's not possible for me to be on the apps because so many people were messaging me like, oh, Matthew, you're on Bumble. I had no idea. And I was like, oh my God. And so I wasn't on the apps, and I remember thinking, A, this is gonna be really hard for me. because I have to, you know, firstly, I have to do it the old-fashioned way. I have to just get out there and meet people. And I was jealous of friends that could go on the apps, despite the fact that I know there will be so many listeners listening right now who are like, I hate the apps and I don't want to be on the apps. But I was actually jealous of people being on the apps. But I also told myself that, you know, it's so hard for me because I'm not allowed to screw up. like, I'm, you know, I'm gonna date people and I have to be a certain thing. And so it was like all, all of that fit, like, fed into this story for me at my lowest ebb, where I was like, oh, my God, maybe, like, this is gonna be really, really hard. Maybe it's. This isn't gonna happen for me in the way that it happens for so many people that I actually get to coach. I'm wondering if you guys had stories yourselves about, like, you know, it being difficult for you or reasons why you thought like, oh, maybe this doesn't happen for me.

I think for me, I've probably had like different insecurities through my life, to be honest, that I've like either battled or worked on. So, I've definitely had those existential times where I'm like, oh, am I going to find a person? And is that going to happen? But like, when I was younger, struggled a lot with weight. that was definitely a big thing that was hard for me to get under control. And I just felt like I need to look a certain way to be able to attract the person I want. So that was like something that was a challenge. I kind of ended up, you know, I ended up working on that and getting control over that. But I dated people even when I was still in that struggle, you know, I mean, even when I was still dealing with trying to get my way under control. I did have girlfriends. So I at least challenged it with going like, I can overcome it with these other things and hope that that gets me through. But it was still like an insecurity of like, Am I enough? Is that gonna be okay? And I also think probably one that, you know, I think a lot of men end up having at some point is you go like, Am I successful enough? to, you know, attract the person I want. Do I need to have arrived at a certain place where I'm gonna feel like, okay, now I am worthy of a great partner? And I think a lot of people have that. You know, I think it. It's not gendered because we've had women on here who have said, I feel like I'm financially not there. Like, everyone feels like, are they gonna get judged for where they are? And it feels like, oh, if I'm not. far enough along compared to people my age, then the comparison's gonna be made, they're gonna think I'm not at their level, and I won't be able to attract the right partner.

I remember speaking to a guy in New York who was in his 30s, and he said, I'm not looking for love right now because I know that my stock is still rising. Like, he had that in his head. Like, in his mind, it was like he spoke about it as if it was a mathematical equation. where his worth wasn't as good today as it would be in four or five years.

There's such an entitlement embedded in that as well.

Well, you know it's gonna make him a horrendous person to date in five years because he's now coming to the table with this sense of, this is what I deserve, having worked this hard and having done all of these things to upgrade me, and now I deserve X. And so it, the flip side of that is that it breeds a kind of person that thinks their worth is these things that they've now achieved, the status they've earned, the money they've earned. And it's like he's telling himself, my stock is now here, which is weirdly. A way to massively judge other people and an act of self-hatred at the same time. Because what he's really saying is, when I don't have these things, I'm nothing. Like five years ago, there was no point me finding love because my stock was not good.

And also just not working on the aspects of himself, like hating on this guy, but just not working on the aspects of himself that are like, the aspects that are actually going to attract the kind of partner you want. Because if somebody doesn't want to be with you because you earn 50 grand less than you did five years later, then they're probably not the right person for you. Like, if they turn their nose up at the fact that you now earn.

More money, it's a bit like playing the wrong games.

Yeah, it's a little bit like you're not looking for the right things in someone.

And sometimes I know people who get to that stage And it still doesn't work. They're still repelling people 'cause there are like deep personality issues or self-worth issues or you can also, I think when you get let these things trap you, like it's okay to have things you're not comfortable with or like you've worked on, like you're still working on loving that part of yourself or being comfortable with it, but it's when it makes you reject yourself is the real shame.

Yeah, that's so true.

That's the real shame. It's okay to say I wanna be more successful and that's important to me. But, you know, I remember, you know, you know the. The film the substance. There's that bit where Demi Moore is gonna go and meet the guy from school who's really nice to her, and she's gonna go and dress up, meet him for the date. He already thinks she's awesome. He thinks she's this amazing woman. And she is so caught up in her age and how she thinks she looks that she ends up going in, like, this fit of rage and just not even showing up because she. She rejects herself. It's not like she's in love with this guy, but she, in that moment of connection, she rejects it because she goes, It's nothing to do with him. It's actually to do with her.

That's one of the most painful scenes to like, where she's just putting on another layer of makeup and another layer of makeup and another layer of makeup. It's like scrubbing her face. Yeah.

That's such a painful scene. And I actually had a friend say to me once, because he saw certain attitude in me, and he said, Steve, you need to learn to take yes for an answer. Because there were certain times where I would almost, you know, pre- you know, pre-qualify or, oh, it's okay if they don't want blah, blah, because I'm gonna, you know, I'd almost reject first, like, not take yes for an answer.

I love that you said that. Like, it's so sad when we reject ourselves. And I think this is at the core of this episode and what we're going to be talking about, because we're actually about to go on to Love Life Line, which is where we have our segment where we have people from our Love Life community send in some voice notes with some questions which we answer. So we've selected one of those and we're going to go through it. But I'm just so happy that you said that, Stephen, because I think really this is at the core of so much of what we're going to go on to talk about is if we don't believe if we don't have a story, if we don't have a self-belief that is positive around dating, around ourselves, around our worth, we are starting with a massive handicap in dating and finding love. And so much of our success is down to mindset.

Hi, my name is Mary. I'm 40 years old, and I really have no dating experience in my 20s and 30s, I was not really interested in relationships. I had other things going on in my life. But now that I'm 40, I am looking for my person. But I struggle with my lack of experience and then seeing that as a deficit, which I know it's not. But how do I put myself out there with my lack of experience and not let that hinder me from finding my person and knowing my value?

Oh my God, Mary, thank you so much for sending in that question. I have so many thoughts. I just want to say real quick, I hear the way Mary said, like, I can't help but see it as a deficit, which I know it isn't, but that's how I see it. It's like there is this story that you are telling yourself, Mary, which is I don't have experience and that lack of experience is going to get me rejected. People are not going to be attracted to me or I'm not going to know what to do or it's going to somehow get in the way of me finding love. And it's almost like the rational higher self part of you knows that actually that's not true and it isn't a deficit and you're okay. But the scared kind of little girl in you is like, hasn't caught up with that and is still afraid and does think it's a deficit. So you're battling between these two very, very conflicting stories and narratives inside of yourself. But there's so much story there. There's so much story there holding you back. And it's talk about rejecting yourself, right?

Yeah. Well, it's firstly, Mary, I don't want you to put yourself in some special category because actually what you're talking about, we hear all the time. I mean, it's so common to, to all different ages and older than you, we've had people say the exact same thing. I don't have any experience. I've never had a real partner. I've never had sex. You know, where does that leave me? And The reality is it doesn't leave you anywhere near as far behind everyone else as your insecurity is telling you it does. We all have growth spurts at different ages, and there are plenty of people who have no more relationship experience at 40. than they did at 25, even though they've been in relationships that whole time, because what they're doing is repeating the same pattern over and over again every year with a new person. So you have people who, you know, are in a series of. I remember, you know, having a series of relationships where I basically played out the same, you know, kind of the same lessons, the same relationships. over and over again over like 18 months. If you'd have asked me like how much, how many new things am I learning every time? I don't know that I was because I was just repeating something. And so a lot of people get to 40 years old and go, wow, I need to change something. And when they change something, they are really, the next relationship feels like having a relationship for the first time. because all of a sudden they're embracing a relationship where, let's say there's kindness and true companionship and there's not a toxic dynamic. That person, I promise you, feels as out of their element in that new relationship as you will feel in your first relationship. So it's, and you know, the, there's, you know, when sometimes people, when people say this, they're talking about sexual experience and sexual experience. Is like something you can catch up on surprisingly quickly. It's not something you don't need to be like, oh, I'm gonna be years behind everyone else. No, you're like a month away from being where other people are. You're a month away and a kind and loving, like, teammate in the bedroom away from being where other people are. And so what I think you need Mary right now is you want to find people who are kind, find people who are compassionate, find people who don't judge you for where you're at, but see that there's something interesting in where you're at. Which, by the way, does start also with you, because you have to, the way you frame and tell this story, is going to affect the way that people receive it. If you say to yourself, you know, there is real value in what I've done. I've focused on other areas of my life. Where have I focused that has been meaningful and that has given me some real advantages that I wouldn't have done in the same way had I been just jumping from one relationship to another. Where, you know, what have I been able to avoid so far in my life? That has meant that I haven't got a lot that I'm having to work through because I went through that. Um, what do I have in my life right now as excitement? Because I find myself at 40 ready to fully engage in my love life. That's a hugely exciting thing.

But you kind of have this beautiful, clean slate, and it's obviously not easy to immediately relate when you are just thinking of, what haven't I done, though? But, yeah, I think the more you can connect with, like, you, someone, someone who, if you're gonna be ready to love someone, you know what you want, you know, you're a kind person, you're gonna be giving and loving, like. People will happily grow and learn with you. Like, people will happily give you allowance for the fact, like, this is new for you. But that also kind of makes it this beautiful thing of, like, you're gonna get to experience all of that for the first time. And that's like a special thing. Most people go, oh, I wish I could still have that first feeling of falling in love, being in a relationship. You know, that first time people have is, like, very memorable, right? And so, yeah, I think it can be something if you can connect to it. It can be a really special thing you're going to experience.

And maybe Mary is worried about how to bring it up. And if that's the case, do you have any advice for her?

Well, like, Mary, there's absolutely no need for you to go on a date and talk about this, like, as like the headline.

Yes.

That it's very, we're very quick to make our biggest insecurity the headline.

That's so true.

You know, I tell the story, I've told the story before when I've been on tour about how, you know, many years ago, I was, we were doing a weekend in London and there were two women there. It actually may have been New York. But there were two women there and this just happened completely coincidentally. But one woman put her hand up and she talked about how, you know, her question was like, how do I talk about the fact that I'm a single mum with kids at home? And it was a very heavy thing for her. Another woman got up and started talking about having been with us the day before how she went out the last night with all this confidence and talked to people. And she'd started telling the story of this one guy that she was talking to and having a great time with. And she's, I said, how did you start talking to him? And she said, oh, I just walked up to him and I said, you have a really cute chin dimple. She said, it's not as cute, quite as cute as my daughter's cheek dimples, but it's you, your, your chin dimple is pretty adorable. And They ended up swapping numbers, having this amazing conversation. Now, little did she know that casually, she had done in the first sentence what another woman was asking me, How do I bring this up? Like, she was talk... The joke I made is like, she was talking as if she had Darth Vader waiting at home for when the guy came home the first time. And the other woman managed to talk about her daughter in a way that actually was kind of fun and flirty and playful. Her daughter wasn't even the headline there. It was just, My daughter's a part of my life. So you have two people in the same situation who have a very different approach to the way they share their story. In fact, with one of them, it wasn't even sharing a story. It was just part of her life. So you can imagine how this could play out in so many different ways on a date. It could be, he says, so when was your last relationship? And she says, my relationships have not been a focus in my life so far. I've done this, I've done that, and I have been, I have been someone who has just not, I have not done a great job of prioritizing My love life.

I like that.

And that's, and she can laugh about it and be like, you know, so, you know, now I'm actually putting myself out there and it's really fun. It's really fun to be making it a focus again. That is a very different story than when was your last relationship and her going, well, to tell you the truth, I haven't had a relationship in my life. You know, it's like all of a sudden it's this big deal. And what that signals to someone else is it's a you need to think about this as it being a big deal that people are taking their cue from you. You tell people what to think about whatever your stuff is by the way that you share it. If you share it like it's baggage, they will pick it up and feel their weight of that baggage. If you play with it and talk about it differently, or it's just part of the, it's part of 100 details about you that you're gonna share over the next five dates, then it's so light.

There's a thing that Seth Godin says about like fear, where he says, Can you dance with the fear? And I think of a similar thing here. It's not, you know, that thing can be a presence in your life, but can you kind of dance with it? Instead of it being an enemy that you have to like, I don't open the closet because it's in there. Like, can you kind of dance with it and incorporate it into a part of you and like reframe it? Like it might be like, yeah, I have like, the cool thing is you have no baggage. Loads of people have baggage from their past relationships. You're like, I have no baggage or exes or hangups from previous relationships. So you can reframe any of these things. as its own advantage.

Yeah, and it's about accepting those parts of yourself fully as well, Mary, because going into a date not feeling insecure about it starts with you. Because if you go, this isn't anything to be ashamed of. I am one of millions of people in that situation where I haven't had a serious relationship by the time I'm 40 or 50 or 60. Like, it's not that uncommon. It is. just I am, that's just my story and I'm not ashamed of it. That's really, really important. It's an important part of the process because then you can go into a date not carrying any shame and shame on someone who makes you feel shame about it. If you're not ashamed of it, then they can go F themselves.

Yeah.

I love that idea of like, yeah, not having shame. Like once you just realize there's loads of people who struggle with this, It's like shyness, like, okay, I'm shy. There's millions of people who are shy.

Right. My shyness doesn't make me special. It doesn't make me special. Yeah.

I don't have a special issue that no one else has. Like, yeah, millions of people are shy.

Yeah, that's exactly right. And again, it's the same in the bedroom. You can have all this fear around, what does that look like when I get to the bedroom and they have loads of experience and I don't? But, you know, be prepared to play with it.

And people can have lots of experience and still be terrible at beds.

Well, that's absolutely true.

Experience does not mean good. They won't even know that you have no experience because it really doesn't correlate necessarily.

That's true. And know that you're like, the next partner doesn't have to be your partner for life. So, if you get some experience and that teaches you some things and you feel like you get a bit more comfortable in yourself, this is why, by the way, I think it's really important, Mary, that you index for kindness in your next partner because your next experience does not have to be a perfect experience. It doesn't have to be this, like, blow you away romance that where you feel like, oh my God, that was, you know, the sex was amazing and that was just, I've never felt like that. But it doesn't have to be that. It can be completely imperfect. It can be awkward. It can be fumbling. It can be you just figuring it out. But what you do want is someone who is kind.

Thank you so much for that. That was beautiful. We actually have a second Love Life Line question. from Justine.

Hey Justine, Love Life member here. So my biggest challenge is self-worth and that's why I decided to join Love Life, to work on my self-worth and self-love, you know, loving myself again and building confidence within myself first and foremost before anything else. And it's like that classic phrase, isn't it? you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first. So I guess I'm in a situation where it's like, do I even date? Am I best working on myself first? I think my biggest issue and the reason why that a lot of that is going on within me is because I've gained a lot of weight due to health issues over the last few years. So I feel like when I go on dates, these guys are going to judge me for my weight and things like that. So any and advice that you have regarding that issue, which I'm sure is many people, I'd be really grateful. Thank you very much.

She's so, like, reminds me of home. Justine, you remind me of England and make me miss home. Thank you so much for sending that question in.

Any thoughts?

I mean, I think in those situations, I would never tell someone to put off getting involved in building a love life, trying to get out there, meet people. I think any reason you'll, it might be real to you. And even if you're working on it, you might as well do both. Even if you're working on an insecurity, you may as well be out dating as well, because you're gonna get new reference points, you're gonna. put yourself in more situations where you're likely to meet someone great. And, you know, it's like looks. I always say, like, do what you can with your looks and then let it go. Like, before you go out for an evening, go to a party, do whatever you can to make yourself feel great. And then for the rest of part, you got to let it go. You can't hold on to it. If you feel like you don't have the right t-shirt you don't like the way your hair looks tonight, you're, you know, something's wrong. You got a pimple. It's like you got to then let it go once you leave the house. and I think, you know, I think with something like weight, I think the first thing you can do is connect to the parts of yourself, you know, connect to everything you have to offer. I think that's one way you, you need to change the story, is change the story from I'm lacking to what are all the things that people would say they love about me? And you have to do this whatever scenario you're in, because there's always scenarios where you're going to feel like you're in a room and feel like I don't not sure I'm good enough to be here. I feel insecure right now. I feel other people are more beautiful than me. In that moment, you are, you have to connect to a better story about yourself. Why you're interesting, why you're great company, why you have interesting things to say, why you have a story, what, you know, where you're going, like, get excited about where you're heading towards and what's coming up and. and that's how I think, you know, self-love is a big thing, but I think you do have to start with, what do I really like about myself? What do others say they love about me? What are those lovable qualities? And that is like the start of changing the story for me. And, and always go for it anyway, because you want to build new reference points. Like, if someone says they're shy, I'd be like, well, don't, don't sit learning confidence videos before you leave the house. I'd be like, start doing whatever you can now, even if it's going to the store and buying something. Start wherever you can now, and you can always be learning and picking up as you go.

Yeah.

You're also not alone, Justine. And I know it goes without saying, but, oh, my God, put a virtual hand up for anyone listening who struggles with. Worthiness, like- For sure. Everyone, we all do. I actually, I've never shared this before, but I'm gonna share it because I think it might be useful. I actually really, really, really relate to what Justine is saying around like, you know, she has put on weight and it's affected her confidence. I had a very similar experience in my 20s. I went through a very traumatic event. and I didn't put on weight, but I started losing my hair. And I lost a lot of hair. I mean, like a lot. I was boarding on the top of my head, and it was visible, and I was very, very insecure about it. And it really, really knocked my confidence. And I was someone who actually had never really struggled with confidence around my looks. I was very comfortable with how I looked and was always happy with how I looked. And so my kind of issues were always around different things and more like, you know, confidence about my personality and what I had to offer and whatnot. But it was for the first time in my life, it was an area that I hadn't really struggled with that suddenly was very much under attack. And it was really painful and it was really, really hard for me. And so the reason I'm sharing this is that what I didn't do is stop dating, decide to shut myself away and go, I'm not gonna bother. And I'm really glad I didn't because I would have ended up making that thing much bigger than it needed to be. I went on a whole mission around how to solve it and how to fix my hair falling out, and I did all sorts of things to help it grow back. And it took years. It wasn't something that happened like in six months. It took years. It's actually never been the same since. But I did all of that and concurrently I carried on dating. And I actually decided to put the focus to your point, Stephen, on other areas of myself and my life that I thought I could kind of draw confidence from and I was like, okay, well, I know there's this thing here, but actually, like, can I be really funny? Can I be really kind? Can I be really like, you know, charming? Can I be really this? And I just sort of really focused on what I could actually control in that moment. And as a result, not all of the focus was on this one thing I couldn't change. And it really, really helped me at the time. And I'm really glad I did because who knows, maybe I would have shut myself away for five years, never met you, and ended up always having a hang up about not being good enough because of this one thing. And so I'm only sharing that not to make it about myself, but just because I think there's so many kind of relatable examples for so many people of something like that. You know, you put on weight, you don't think you suddenly don't feel good enough, or like anyone's gonna be attracted to you. It sort of speaks to a deeper insecurity that already far predates the weights or the hair, which is I'm not good enough. And if I don't have the perfect body or the perfect hair or the perfect this, then definitely no one's going to love me then because I'm inherently unlovable. I guess the bottom line is you're not alone in this, Justine. and what you're going through is so common. And I think everyone on some level and somewhere on the spectrum struggles with what you're struggling with. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm really glad you shared that. I really love these questions. And I want to thank both of our Love Life members, Mary and Justine, for sharing your stories and vulnerably sharing those challenges. I think that so much has helped even just by us having these conversations together and realizing we're not alone in the kinds of things that we worry about. And also that there's someone else out there who is not even thinking of our worry because they're so worried about their own worry, their own thing that they think is crippling their love life. and they haven't even got time for our particular worry. So there's something liberating, I think, about that. I want to introduce you all to an interview that I did earlier this week with a dear friend of mine, Lewis Howes, the host of the School of Greatness podcast, author of the Greatness Mindset, and now his new book, Make Money Easy. We did a whole two-hour interview, but you'll be able to hear that later on the podcast in a few days. We've taken a 15-minute segment of this interview that is really relevant to the things that we're talking about today. And you'll see why when you listen to it, even though we talk about things that aren't all to do with dating, I want you to just hear everything that Lewis is saying through the lens of the reason you're telling yourself that it may never happen for you or why it feels particularly difficult, you're gonna hear a lot of lessons. And we'll come back here and we'll talk about them afterwards. So here is Louis House. Even out of curiosity, if there's anything you can share with people as to if they have taken on a lot, at the same time, and it's making them feel overwhelmed and it's making them feel like they're kind of drowning in responsibilities. Even, you know, it could be the responsibilities of I go to work, I'm also looking after a sick parent, I'm also trying to manage being a single parent. I'm, you know, I'm trying, God, I'm trying to see friends in this somewhere. And then also I'm trying to date. And on top of all of it, I'm trying to find time to date. Like, what, I wonder if there's, any words you could share with people to help them? A, manage having a lot of things and also like manage it better, regulate their emotional states while having a lot of things. And also finding the time amidst, you know, you are going through a crazy time right now. You have so much on your plate. I'm aware of what the next two weeks of your life look like and it's insane. You've got the new book out and I want to talk about that. Make Money Easy, the brand new book. You are going on tour. Like, you have so much going on in the next couple of weeks. And you were like, I'm trying to get the guys together to play pickleball this afternoon. And I was like, Wait, what? How do... You know, like, the fact that pickleball might even feature as, like, something you do today in the midst of all of that is kind of amazing to me. So, could you just talk about that?

Three things that come to mind. One is, I wouldn't be able to, take it all on at the same time without having the tools of emotional regulation and processing and healing different things. Because if I was 10 years ago, I'd still be like people pleaser mode and anxiety and stressed out and it needed to look perfect. Even just sitting down before, I was like, this tour is not the way I would hope it would be. And we might have to cancel some stuff and it's, you know, maybe people don't show up or whatever. And I'm just kind of like, it doesn't have to look perfect or a certain way anymore. Because I'm gonna be okay even if no one shows up.

How did you get that lesson?

Was it like, man, it's been a 12-year process. And it's like putting myself in this scenario is actually an exercise and an experiment to show myself that I'll be safe. It's almost like we need the breakdowns. so we can experiment more and see how we're gonna respond. So even just sitting down with you and processing and talking about it, like, oh yeah, it's not gonna be like, maybe not every venue is gonna sell out, maybe we have to cancel a venue, maybe people don't show up, I don't know, it's hard to sell tickets, whatever it might be. Talking about it with you and knowing, oh, you're still my friend and I'm gonna be okay. Like, all right, and so what? And then there's the next thing in a year that I get to do again or six months or whatever, like, I still go home, I have a beautiful wife, I'm healthy, I'm able to play pickleball maybe, like all these things like, okay, if it's not perfect, I'm gonna be okay. Another thing, so it's learning how to heal and be okay with my expectations not being met. It doesn't mean I don't have high standards and I don't have high expectations. And it doesn't mean I'm not, you know, inspiring and motivating my team to get the results that we're looking for. It doesn't mean I give up. go all the way to the end, all the way to the last moment of everything, the book launch, the tour, the whatever the thing is, and give them my all. But it's not worth gaining 20 pounds and being exhausted and getting no sleep over. That's not worth it. I've done that so many times. I don't want that life anymore. So it's making sure I'm in alignment with how I wanna live and the responsibility I wanna have for my health. So that's the first thing is being in that healing journey so it doesn't have to look perfect and and accepting myself if it fails, if it's not perfect, if it doesn't look good online, whatever, letting my ego be okay. Second thing is one day at a time, like I'm just thinking, what do I have today? I had an interview this morning, I had to come to you today, and I'm just focusing on what do I need to do next and how can I be present with you and not let the stress of all the logistics. Two minutes before here, I was talking to my assistant, before I'm parking, she's like, Here's the next day, all the travel, all the logistics. I need to download you on everything. And I go, I'm gonna have to call you afterwards. You're not gonna be able to get it to me right now. And we're gonna get through it tomorrow or get through it afterwards because I need to be present with Matt. That's the second thing. The third thing is being okay with saying no. This time around, two years ago in a book launch and all these different things, I said yes to everything and I exhausted myself because I felt like, if I don't say yes, I'm not going to get the maximum out of this. And now I told you again before, I was like, I'm only doing like 10 or 15 interviews over the next few weeks. And then we'll see afterwards, like we'll see. And I'm saying no to opportunities that could generate me money or could be potentially big. But if I'm not feeling excited about it, I'm not going to extend myself so much to get no sleep and get sick just to try to say yes to everything.

It's really interesting because I, last year when Love Life came out, I, you know, I felt the pressure of, I haven't released a book in 10 years.

Yeah, that's a lot.

And so I'd built it up so much by that point. Not only that, but like, I took like five years to write Love Life.

It's gotta be perfect. I say everything the right way.

Yeah, and I was like, Let me do as many interviews as possible. Let me put, because I was so, I just, it was so important to me and I cared so much. And I came out of that, the book kind of tore, you know, the going around doing all the interviews, it started in January and it ended by about April. And I did, we counted, I did 120 interviews. Wow.

And it... You did double what I did two years ago, and I was exhausted.

I was... My mental health was terrible. And I had a... It really beat me up, and it took me a while to recover from that emotionally, mentally. I just... And I look back on that, and I'm like, God, I would... I'd never do it that way again. Like, I really... That took something from me. But I'm wondering, You know, I can imagine, let's say I write another book. I don't know when I'm gonna have the stomach to write another book, but let's say I write another book, and four years from now, I can imagine the amnesia of forgetting and then taking on too much again. What for you? And it's also when ego gets involved. When you're like, oh, I want this to be a New York Times bestseller. I want it to be on all the lists. I want it to be celebrated. And how have you this time managed your ego around it so that your well-being is more important? Are you just telling yourself, like, nothing is worth me not feeling good anymore? I'm just. I'm curious how you've reprioritized so that you don't just kill yourself doing. Because you could have done 80 interviews for this. You know, everybody.

I think you have them. Well, I think. I mean. this was maybe a pro and a con that I had. I got married five weeks ago, so I was planning a wedding for months before a book launch and a book tour. So I think not having that time to work on the book at all promotion, because I was planning a wedding production and having so much change in my life, I only had, like, two weeks to work on this to, like, promote. And so in some ways, it was like, what am I thinking? Trying to do these two big moments in life back to back? But also I wasn't like, I have all the free time in the world. Let me just over commit myself to interviews for the first three months of the year. I would say the final thing is really knowing that giving myself an ending of the season of like the playoff run. Okay, there's a wedding, planning for that. There's travel, planning for that. There's a book launch, planning for that. There's a tour, moving on all these things. But the tour ends on this date and I'm gonna take some time off.

Mm-.

And I think knowing that's a few weeks away and every day, what can I do to make sure I just get enough sleep today and be present for what's next? That's what I'm trying to focus on. And it's like, okay, I got two weeks, give it my best. Whatever happens, have fun. And whatever happens, I can't control the rest. We'll be okay with that. And the ego part is hard. It's been a decade of doing this. And it's like we're in an industry where we have friends who are extremely famous and successful that are crushing it and everything they do. And it's really hard not to try to compare yourself to other people. But at the end of the day, I'm clear on my mission. And like you said, chance the rappers 3333 song or whatever. I don't know if that's the name of it.

Yeah, I was talking about this song that chance the rapper has called 3333, where The whole song is about him, his team booking him an event at the Minnesota State Fair. I think it holds like 14,000. And he got a call from his manager or his brother or someone, basically saying, We have to cancel. This is like a code red. We've sold 3,333 tickets.

Yeah.

It's not even half sold out. This is gonna look empty. It's gonna look horrible.

Yeah, we can't have the videos come out and it looks like you're slipping. you know, like we have to cancel. And his, you know, that song really inspired me because it was really him saying the craft is what's important to me. This is only what I was doing. If I forget the Grammys that I've won, and if I forget the Grammy, I think if I forget the success and the adulation that I've got and all the hype, ultimately, I was a kid who started as a teenager getting on stage in bars with no one listening or giving a shit who I am. So, if I just look at that guy, he was doing it then, I can do it now, because what I care about is the craft.

Yes, exactly. So, for me, that's what I'm inspired by, is focusing on, if I can serve one person at a time, it's still meaningful. It may not be whatever, selling out arenas or whatever, but it's like, like focusing on the person in front of me that I can make an impact on. And if that's the season of life I'm in, accept that's the season of life. It doesn't mean don't stop growing and trying and try to reach the goals you want, but it's like focusing on.

What'S in front of me and being okay with it. Do you have like a positive trigger, like a practical anytime you find yourself getting lost in comparison with someone who's doing more, got more creating, you know, like on, you know, someone who's just.

Like killing it in area. I do now.

What is the hack that you use for that?

I mean, yeah, I mean, jealousy used to be the tool, the negative tool, just like, let me work harder because I'm jealous or I wish I could be there. And now it's when someone is thriving or having a big moment of success or doing something that I haven't done yet. It's like, wow, thank you for showing me what's possible. Thank you. Like, if you can do it, I can do it. or anyone can do it, you know, with the right elements and the right timing, the right season of life, like, okay, cool, you're showing me it's possible. Thank you. And I'm so happy for you. Thank you for leading the way.

How do you handle self-doubting thoughts when they come up? Do you have any tools for, like, moments where you doubt yourself and you're like, well, well, maybe it's going well for them. Because, you know, they're super talented or maybe it's going to be maybe they're smarter or in the dating version of that, of course, people face is they're better looking and they get more attention than me and they look they're younger or they're like they have something I don't. So how do you deal with self-doubting thoughts when you have them?

I don't have too many self-doubt thoughts. You know, it's interesting because I guess maybe I do in some ways, in other ways I don't. One of them is like just the unknown of what's gonna happen. You know, this is a whole nother conversation and I'll try to shorten it, but you know, I have this dream of going to the Olympics in three and a half years in LA. And that's probably the only thing.

But actually being an Olympian.

That's why it's a long story for a whole nother time.

But it's not a dream to get a ticket to the Olympics. Just to be clear.

To be on the USA Olympic handball team and play in the Olympics in Los Angeles 2028. It's a dream of mine. And for the last, I don't know, eight months, I've been training and practicing and rehabbing to get ready to go to Spain for a month to practice with a professional team. And I feel the aches in my body and I see how much harder it is to recover. And I'm like, can I do this? I don't know. I don't know. But I'm also knowing what can I do today to see how much closer I can get to making this happen? So the dream is so far away, three and a half years seems like a forever away. And there's so much that could happen in between that. But all I'm thinking about is what can I do today to get me a little bit closer to see if it's even possible? So there is this, I don't know, this uncertainty, which I don't enjoy. I like having certainty. But I'm also in a season where all I'm trying to do is get to this one month where I'm going to go to Spain and play professionally, and then I'm going to reassess. I'm going to see from there, and then it's going to be the next month. One month at a time.

I think that's really valuable. And do you tell yourself, like, even if it never happens, this next step that I'm doing was worth it for its own sake, or do you see it as a waste of time if.

It I think that my future self will always beat me up and say, man, you are a coward if you don't explore this and don't take it as far as I can. I think as long as I go and pursue it, if it doesn't happen, I think I'll be like, you know what? I might be sad and bummed out and like having to grieve this loss of I didn't get to do this thing that I dreamed of as a kid my whole life and I trained for hard. But I'll be like, I have no regrets in not going for it. And I don't have to worry and think about, ah, what could I have been? Who could I have been? It's just the pursuit that is gonna make me the most proud. And the cherry on top will be being an Olympian. It'll be like, this is a fucking dream come true. Thank God you went for this. And you didn't let your fear or your doubt or your uncertainty hold you back and just say, you know what? I'm just gonna focus on my business because I know that's gonna do well. This is probably the most courageous thing I'll ever do in my life is like going for this dream because I have no clue what's gonna happen.

It's really inspiring, man. And I, you know, when you first told me about this, I think actually what inspired me the most in many ways was this kind of simultaneously holding to. To truths that I really want this to happen, and it's a dream of mine. But also, I'm just right now getting to the next step, and if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. But right now, I'm just putting the next piece of the puzzle in place, like, one foot in front of the other and just. And just, like. Taking it forward. I think that both that acceptance of like, I can handle it not happening and if it falls apart seven months from now because I get injured or because what like that's life or if I don't make the cut or whatever.

But like- It might be sad.

Right now, I'm just focused on laying the track that's right in front of me. I found that really inspiring.

And here's how I relate this to dating for women or guys watching or listening. like four years ago, I didn't know Martha, but I was laying the tracks to become a better version of me, of healing from a breakup, to set myself up to try to have a thriving relationship in the future. I didn't know when it was going to happen. I thought I was going to be single for many years and just kind of have fun and like, didn't want to be in a relationship initially, but I was laying the groundwork in the tracks to have something beautiful be available for me. It doesn't mean I was going to meet Martha, and it doesn't mean we were going to get married. But without that happening, without me pursuing that growth within me, that healing, I would not be married today. And I didn't know it was going to happen, you know, four years down the road. But I kept leaning into it. I kept taking the next steps with her. We kept exploring. We moved in, we went to therapy together. We did counseling at the church together. We did all these different things that allowed us to get to to marriage. And had we not done that, we wouldn't be here. So I'm kind of applying that to this dream as well.

That's beautiful. I love that. Because people can apply that to dating simultaneously going, this is a huge dream of mine.

And it may not work out.

And it may not work out, but I'm just gonna lay the track right in front of me.

Exactly.

For those people who are out there dating and looking for love and not feeling in a good place with their finances, what would you say to them so that their financial position or their debt, their financial worries and reality doesn't really hurt their confidence in the dating process in a way that makes them lower their standards or accept less?

I think this goes back to the, you know, there's two types of, I guess, attraction. There's like the certain and the courageous. And if you for whatever reason got yourself in a lot of debt that you didn't want to get to or you realized that was a bad decision or you took out too many credit cards or whatever, you changed degrees, but you now have a hundred grand in debt that you're never going to use for that degree or something. And you're thinking, man, I've got a hole to get myself out of. I think as long as you're clear on like my intention is to become more financially secure, and I'm creating a game plan and I have a map for the direction I'm heading. And I've gotten support and I've read books by Ramit Sethi and I've found the tools on how to get out of debt. And I'm doing the practical steps and I have a game plan. I think you can go with someone, go into a relationship with someone saying, yeah, I made some mistakes financially. You can't lie about it, otherwise you're gonna find, they're gonna find out about it later. It's like having the courage to say, Here's where I'm at financially, here's my debt. But I've owned it, I've forgiven myself, and I have a game plan of how I'm going to get out of it. Maybe it's going to take three years, five, 10 years, but I'm working towards overcoming it. I think that's the best place to come from power by owning the challenges you've been through and saying, but I have a game plan. I have a map. I've got a coach. I've got the whole process. It's automated. I don't think about it. And now I can just work to overcome it. That for me is sexy. It shows, oh, this is a person who can own their mistakes. They're already working towards overcoming it. They're not trying to sweep it under a rug and act like they don't have any debt. They're owning it. And a person who can see that, if it's the right match, I think they'll receive you okay. I think if you're lying about it and hiding it, that's when the financial infidelity will come back to hurt you.

It's amazing, man. this is like powerful.

Thanks, man.

People are gonna love this. I'm excited to read it myself. This is really. I'm so excited for you. Is there a particular place that people should go for it, or is it just everywhere?

Just go on Amazon. Yeah. Type in make money easy on Amazon or any bookstore you're at. Check it out and heal your relationship with money.

The full interview with to his house is going to be available on our YouTube channel this weekend. So if you go to Matthew Hussey on YouTube, you will see that interview in its full two hour Glory this weekend. And it really was a fantastic conversation. We covered so much different ground. It will also be in audio form on the podcast on Monday if you'd prefer to listen to it. I watching that back. that 15 minute section of the interview, I made my own notes of so many different things that I found really valuable from that. Firstly, I just want to say this because it's really important. When Lewis said, like, the number one thing that we can do is learn emotional regulation, that is what we're doing on the retreat in October. So for anyone who is like, you know, this skill that he's talking about, that is this very, very important skill. How can I learn that? that's what we're doing in October, mhretreat.com to go and get your ticket. It's some of the things that Lewis said that I think are really important. Firstly, not waiting for it to be perfect. I think that's a key theme that we have been covering today. This idea that, you know, the when I lose the weight, when I finally get myself in a good financial position, when I feel like I've done all the possible work I could ever do on my own, confidence, then I'll be ready. But I love what Lewis said about not waiting for things to be perfect. That actually, you know, he's going on tour right now, and there's some feeling of like, is it gonna sell? Oh, it's not selling in certain places as well as maybe I'd hoped. And, you know, he was extremely vulnerable about that. when we were talking, but also with this kind of very relaxed awareness of, and that's okay. Like, I don't, you know, he's learning these lessons in real time, which is really inspiring to watch of. It doesn't need to be perfect. When you go out there and date right now, it doesn't need to be perfect. You don't need to have figured everything out, whether it's internal work or. external work or external lifestyle circumstances. And also, I love what I was very touched by when he said, like, you know, you and I were talking about the tour because we were talking about the tour earlier that morning. And he said, you know, whatever happens, you're still going to be my friend. And that, like, I spoke to you this morning and I'm like, oh, yeah, Matt's still going to be my friend. It doesn't change anything. And and so it's going to be okay. Tell yourself in your love life, Remind yourself, like I would take out a sheet of paper and write down all of the things that are still gonna be there, even if this date doesn't go well tonight. Even if that person never calls you back. Even if you get on a dating app and nothing comes of it in the short term. What people in your life do you have no matter what? Who loves you no matter what? What hobbies do you have no matter what? What loves in life? Things you enjoy doing? Do you have no matter what? Remind yourself that Whatever happens this week in your dating life, none of those things are impacted by it. So you can go and swing for the fences. It's all gonna be okay. I like what he said about being in alignment, that he's this time around when he's doing his, you know, he's releasing his book and going on tour and doing all of these big work things, it's not worth it to him to kill himself over it in the way that he used to. and I thought that was actually something people can apply to their love lives. There may have been a time where it was like you were kind of, you know, killing yourself going on dates, dating in a way that felt unsustainable, constantly thinking about it in a way that led to burnout. Maybe there are some lessons you've learned in your life that mean when you approach it right now, you approach it in a way as if you're like a skilled marathon runner. who's like, I need breaks. I need good nutrition. I need sleep. And what's the dating equivalent of that? It's like, I need time with people who fill me up. I need time with people I love. I need to take time with myself. I need to do the things that I enjoy so that I'm not burning out along the way. Have fun, he said. Whatever happens is out of my... Whatever else happens is out of my control. I love that idea. You know, when he was talking about the Olympics. And he said, it's, you know, there's so much of this that's out of my control. Training for the Olympics that I might not even get into the team, let alone win the Olympics. I could get injured in the meantime, but it's just about getting to that next step. What's the next step in your dating life? What's the next thing that you could do? And recognize that just as Lewis said, imagine that there's a future version of you that will be proud of you just for trying. and that even if you don't find love, you'll grow to be a person who's proud of you for showing up, for saying yes to trying, and that actually at the end of it, that will be enough. Accepting where you are in this season of your life, taking chances that may or may not pay off, and being proud of yourself at the end, that that alone will be enough. And not only will it be enough, but you'll turn into a version of you that's even more proud and peaceful than you are today, because you'll be like, well, I did it. I really tried. And the byproduct might be along the way that you get surprised. It might be that you do meet the love of your life. and the last thing I'll say is just, I thought it was really important when he talked about, you know, all the seeds I was sowing over those four years, I had no idea how they would pay off. And, you know, I couldn't have known they would lead to me meeting my wife, Martha, but they did. But I was sowing those seeds at a time when there was, I had no idea whether it would make sense later on. I just knew I was doing that work. Which is why I commend anyone who, you know, the people who have left voice notes from Love Life today, you're doing the work. The people that are coming to our retreat this October, you're doing the work. The people that are listening to this podcast right now, you're doing the work. So you should already be proud of yourself. Very good. Did you guys enjoy the interview?

Yeah, it was amazing. I love the last point you just made about you don't know, you have to put one foot in front of the other, you have to keep taking actions, that are kind of driving towards the goal that you're after, but you don't actually know what will come of those actions. You don't like, it's not, you don't always know, like you don't get a direct result from these actions, but the compounding effect over time really, really matters and it gets you closer to your goal, even if it doesn't feel like it in the moment.

You plant seeds and some of them grow to oak trees and some of them don't take, but You need to go and like scatter seeds around.

Well, it's about that time. Do we have a name for your feature, Stephen? It's like Stephen's magical, like, mystery feature.

Um, wasn't it called Easel?

That was when we had a flip.

Chart that you... Well, this one's quite simple today. It's called Instant Reframe. I think the art of reframing is so, so crucial. I use it all the time so much now that it's subconscious when there's some limitation or failure, something I'm struggling with. So I'm going to give you some common excuses or struggles people have and I just want you to give a, what's like a quick reframe.

Okay.

You can come up with.

Done.

Done.

Okay. Work is too demanding. I don't have enough time.

Work is too demanding. I don't have enough time. How awesome that you not only have a job, but that you are having to learn the skill of figuring out balance even when it's difficult. Because it's easy to have balance when it's easy, but figuring out the skill of learning balance when it's hard, that's real life.

Oh, that's good.

All right, Audrey's turn.

Not enough money to impress someone.

There are so many things about my personality and who I am that are impressive and attractive, and I'm really excited to lean into those and show the right person those parts of me because they'll love them.

Love it.

Really good.

Um, I'm not fashionable enough. I don't know. I don't have the right clothes, the right look.

People burn ridiculous amounts of money on fashion and well done, you're gonna save lots and lots of money. Also, you can have fashion that looks like people with money, but is a literal, like a fraction of the price. So watch a couple of YouTube videos and you'll get basics of style in the space of like 20 minutes. and some recommendations for where you can go and do it very, very cheaply.

Simple, classic style get you very far.

Yeah, I think as well, just with that one, it's like, oh, this is a really solvable problem. Yes. Like, I'm grateful that the problem I have is a solvable problem because I can go on YouTube and buy a bunch of, couple of items of clothing and be done with it.

Exactly. There's a lot of advice on YouTube.

On how to dress these days. My friends and family judge me for being single. puts me under high pressure.

Your turn.

My family loves me and I'm really grateful to have a family who worries and cares about me. But also, it's no one's business and my path is my path. And as long as I'm comfortable with the path I'm on, that's all that matters.

I get really nervous in front of people.

They get really nervous too in ways that you don't know. You're not the only one. And the greatest way to overcome your own nerves is to focus on how you can give other people what you want. If you're nervous, you're in touch with how many, many people feel. So you have a superpower. You sense how other people are feeling. And because of that, that gives you a level of empathy and connection to other people that actually uniquely puts you in a position to go over and be generous and make them feel at home, to give them what you need. And the beautiful part about that is when you focus on doing that act of service for them, you'll actually get out of your own nerves 'cause you won't be thinking about yourself.

Okay, I don't have anything going on socially.

I'm excited to build a thriving and amazing social life because it's an area that is a blank sheet of paper. So what do I want it to be? What do I want my social life to be? How exciting that I have the opportunity to craft that from scratch.

I hate going to restaurants or loud environments people go to for dates.

Well, that's just a story you're telling yourself that you need to go to those environments in order to go on dates. Some of the best places for dates are parks, going and grabbing a smoothie in the daytime and taking a walk together. Walking is one of the best dates there is. Coffee culture is ridiculously huge. so it's not hard to find an amazing cafe to go and sit in with someone. You don't need to do any of that stuff. And actually, by conforming to all of that stuff, you're more likely to meet someone who doesn't see life the way you do. Whereas if you actually plan dates around the things that you enjoy, you're more likely to attract someone who's like you, which is what you want in the end anyway. So let your preferences be a filter for the right people.

Okay, for the last one, I want both of you to answer. Okay, I'm totally disorganized. My house is in disarray, and I'll be embarrassed if anyone saw it.

Hmm. My reframe would be how great that your desire to date is prompting what will be probably a very healthy thing to do for your life anyway. You know, there's certain things that by doing them, they force other positive changes in our life. Dating is one of them. So true. I'm gonna go out there and meet people. How would I feel if someone was at my house tomorrow? And if the answer is awful, then that's alerted you.

To.

An incongruent area of your life. There's a lack of congruency between the way you'd like to see yourself and the way that you will be seen if someone shows up at your house tomorrow. So dating becomes the kind of indicator, the pointer, towards something that will be a healthy change for you to make anyway, which should also not just make you grateful, That you've been alerted to it, but actually grateful for all of the positive changes that are gonna come as a byproduct of you wanting to be out there again.

Well, I can't follow that. That was perfect.

So, Matthew... Well, I very much enjoyed your reframes as well. That was fun. That was good.

Well, thank you for playing. Instant reframe. Ba-ba-ba-bum!

I like that we don't... We... You say that as if it's like a segment we do every week.

Yeah, well, each segment only lasts for one episode, but I'm gonna miss that.

We really should stop spending all that money on theme songs. I have really enjoyed this episode. Stephen and Audrey, is there a question you think people should ask Matthew AI at the end of this episode?

I think you should ask him for a reframe.

Yeah, he's really good at that, actually.

Ask Matthew AI to help you reframe a situation that right now you're thinking is holding you back or getting in the way of you finding love, something that you think is specific to you, makes life hard for you. Ask Matthew AI, how could I start to see this as a positive? What would it look like to reframe this? Help me to get out of my own way with this. I think that would be great.

AskMH.com is the link.

Yeah, go to askmh.com and you can ask Matthew AI that question right now. Once again, the link for tickets for the MH Retreat early bird seats which are only available for two more days is at mhretreat.com. thank you so much for listening to love life email us podcast@matthewhussie.com if there's anything you want to feedback about the episode or for future episodes we love hearing from you and we will see.

You next time [No.

2] foreign.