How to stop dwelling on early dating mistakes | Matt Monday

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What's this? A video that begins in the Book Nook? Well, it must be your lucky day. Our story today may be one you relate to. It's about a man named John Let me know in the comments if you do. John went through a terrible breakup 3 years ago, during which he struggled to state his needs, draw boundaries, and speak up for himself. He told himself he would never be that guy again, and spent the next 3 years working on himself, his communication skills, and his attachment style. He watched all of the videos, listened to the podcasts, read all the books, watched all my programs, came to my retreat. And then he met a beautiful woman at a yoga class. They went for coffee, one thing led to another, and John and Sarah lived happily ever after. That's not how the story ended, is it? Because John isn't in this book. This book is nothing but a prop! Here's what really happened. One day John met a woman in his yoga class, they went for coffee, it lasted 5 hours, it turned into dinner. She was receptive, warm, she liked John, but after After 2 great dates and tons of texts in between, Sarah went quiet. John messaged her on a Saturday afternoon saying, "We should try that new coffee shop if you're down," and then didn't hear from her until Sunday evening. He got triggered. He suddenly remembered all of those times in his previous relationship that he hadn't spoken up right before he learned that his ex had cheated on him. So he decided this time he would assert his boundaries, and he fired off a text message. "If you didn't want to see me again, fine, but ghosting is very cowardly." After sending the text, John felt proud of himself. He didn't bottle up his feelings like he had in prior relationships. He prioritized himself, and he spoke his truth. All the work he had been doing on himself for 3 years paid off, and it felt great until he got Sarah's response: "Hey, my dog died yesterday and I've been really upset this weekend. I was going to get back to you later. Your text made me more upset. Please don't message again and take care." It was only in hindsight that John realised he had overreacted to one missed text with a woman he had only seen twice. That he should have asked what was wrong before drawing the boundary, or at least waited longer for her response. He realised how quickly he lost a great connection, a connection that seemed so hard to find in the age of dating apps. He realized an apology wasn't feasible because messaging her again would cross her "please don't message me again" boundary. And so began John's dwelling. In case you are just learning this fact, I'm Matthew Hussey. I have been a relationship coach for nearly 20 years. Subscribe and like this video, and let's get started by breaking this situation down in the analysis chamber. Before we get into the analysis, let me just start by doing some things that people with glasses do. I don't need these for analysis. I don't even wear glasses, but a man can dream. Anyway, if you are someone who has been dwelling about an early dating mistake in which you believe that you sabotaged something with someone very potentially special, you are not alone. It feels like getting people to invest and get to know you in the early stages takes an unbelievable amount of perfectionism with no room for error or small slip-ups. One small blip and you are gone. Ah, there is one key thing that makes early dating situations unique. Sarah did not know John well enough to know about all of his other great qualities, that he's the type of guy who, if he knew Sarah's dog had died, would bring her flowers and support her through her grief. There hadn't been an established connection for her to excuse his sharp text as "John just having a bad day" or getting triggered by a bunch of historic wounds. John was not a three-dimensional character to her yet. In fact, Sarah slammed the door shut based on her prior experiences with men who were aggressive and decided that John must have been the same. Slamming the door shut wasn't necessarily a reflection of John's one text or even necessarily a rejection of John. It was about Sarah's own patterns and having a history of shutting things down at the first sign of friction. John sent the text he sent because of his prior experiences of not standing up for himself and overcorrecting in the wrong situation, seeing Sarah through the same lens he saw his ex who had cheated on him. Both John and Sarah reacted to their history, not to the person in front of them. That is what can make early dating mistakes so easy to dwell on. So in these situations, here is how to overcome the constant replaying of events in your mind. We have to recognize that while our catastrophic thought is that in early dating someone has rejected me without really knowing me based on a mistake we've made, that same thought can actually be the pressure valve to this whole situation because it makes us realize that the idea that 'we would have been right for this person and they right for us had we not made this one mistake,' is an extraordinary act of projection about the rightness of this relationship. It assumes that there wouldn't have just been something else a week later that meant that one of you decided the other one wasn't right. It assumes that there wouldn't have been a fight that you would have a year into the relationship that meant the relationship didn't work., or that you didn't see something in each other's deeper character, or just the way that you are in your personalities that made you incompatible, that had nothing to do with a mistake that you could change. It had everything to do with how compatible you actually were. We have to get out of this idea that this person we barely know, who we've only been on a couple of dates with, if that, was our perfect person had we not made this mistake. Now look, you may be thinking, yeah, but I did have a great connection with this person. I, I never meet anyone great, and I haven't met anyone I really liked in years. And then I met someone who I didn't just like, they seemed to like me back until this one moment. And how am I gonna find that again? That is all coming from a place of deep scarcity, because right now my love life is not creating the kind of opportunities that are making me feel abundant. So the second thing we have to do become abundant again in our love lives. We have to have an abundant mindset that says, "This is not the only person in the world." We are getting trapped in this idea that we just screwed it up with the only one we had. We have to start saying, "Ah, if I am scared that I'll never meet anyone else again, that doesn't mean that person was the right person. That means that there is something that's gone wrong in the ecosystem of my love life," that means there are no new people coming through. I have no trust that I'm gonna meet anyone else. Instead of saying, "How do I remedy it with this person?" Saying, "How do I remedy the situation in my life that means there are so few people coming through that I feel like this is the only person I could have made it work with?" And by the way, if you are listening to this going, "But Matthew, I literally do not create opportunities in my love life." It feels like there are so few opportunities for anything real to come along. I have a training for that. It is called Dating With Results. It will take you 90 minutes to watch. It's completely free. I've had over a million people come through it, and it will literally show you how to multiply the opportunities in your love life so that never again do you get fixated on one person being the only good option for your love life. This is one of the things that helps us move on. I will leave a link below. It is Dating With Results. Go watch that after this video if you want more options in your love life. If you can't become abundant yet, become defiant. Defiance says, if I'm scared that I can't live without someone, then I must. If I'm scared that I— my whole life, my happiness depended on this one person, then that's an enormous vulnerability in my life. I can't exist with that kind of vulnerability that says that this person I'm dating is the key to my happiness. If I can't live without them, I must live without them. If I can't lose them, I must be able to lose them, because no one, no one can have that amount of power in my life. If you can't become abundant, if you can't believe that someone better is coming right now, if you can't believe that another option is on its way, at the very least, have the defiance that says, "If I'm scared I can't lose that person, then it's the most important thing in the world right now to show myself that I can lose this person and still be happy." Now look, this next part is a part that none of us like hearing, but I'm gonna put a twist on it that is gonna make it something you want to hear. In these situations where we make a mistake, especially if it really was our mistake, We take the time to learn what we can. None of us want to hear this because in the moment where we make a mistake, we don't want to be told there's a great lesson in here. We don't want it to be a growth moment. We want the person that we just sabotaged it with— we want to have a time-traveling device that allows us to go back and undo that mistake because it hurts. But the hurt is actually valuable, and the reason it's valuable is this: When something genuinely stings, that is our best shot at changing something for ourselves. Now, before you hear that and you think, 'I— this point sucks because it just means that I've got to turn this into a learning lesson for myself. It means that there is a part of it that I genuinely need to own and now focus on growing. All of this is not the thing I needed to hear today in order to feel better.' Well, firstly, I hope that with the first point about not projecting, we have actually realized we don't need to take this loss as seriously as our brain is making us take it. But I also want to say this: usually when we make a mistake, there's a combination of our actions and their actions that means that it goes south quickly. In John's case, John sent a message that was reactive because he was scared he was being ghosted. Interested. What he was met with was someone who had their own avoidant tendencies because they were scared of someone being too aggressive. And all of a sudden, she didn't say, hey, it's really unfair that you said that because my dog just died and I'm in a bad place, which would have given him a chance to apologize. Instead, she said, don't message me again, and she just bolted as a result. So there was a dance between these two things in both of their nature, or their trained responses, that meant that it didn't work out. Were John to be with someone who showed maybe a little more grace, or was a little slower to cut him off, he might have actually had a much more productive conversation. So when we are learning our lesson, we have to own our part but not their part in the equation. And very often we don't give enough credit to someone else's part in the equation of why it didn't work out. And the other thing I want to say that's going to make you feel better is this: they are a stepping stone. If we consider the first point I made about not projecting in this situation, not thinking that this was our only shot at love, if instead we realize that there are many people we could be happy with, and ultimately the person that we end up being happy with is the person that we meet the right level of healing ourselves, and someone who, when we meet them at our stage of healing, understands that we are at that stage of healing and is able to create the space for who we are in that moment. The question of whether it could have worked with this person is kind of irrelevant. It doesn't actually matter that much because there are lots of people it could work with. The person that it does end up working with is the person that we meet in the right state at the right time, both on our part and on their part. And when we find that person, we will look back on this and laugh at the idea that we had blown up our entire happiness by making this one mistake with this one person. The last point I want to make in this video is about one key word. Reactivity. I know that so many of us want to fix something with someone we've blown it with. We want to tell them that they're wrong for letting us go. We want to sell them on a relationship with us, on trying again. The worst thing we can do is come from a place of anxiety and high stress and scarcity and fear. All of that is reactivity, and when someone senses our reactivity, what they sense is a need for a certain result to happen, and that we're sending a certain message to try and manipulate the situation to get the result we want. That might mean instead of sending Sarah a message saying, "I'm so sorry, please don't give this up. I think we have something really special. I have really strong feelings for you," blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, all of which is reactive. Instead, he says, "Hey, I am so, so sorry. I misjudged the situation." I came from a reactive place. I did not mean to add emotional pressure and pain to a week that already must be absolutely horrible for you. And by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I am here if you want to talk, and in any case, it would be great to hear from you again. But I'm wishing you the best right now in grieving, because I know you You must be going through a very, very hard time. Now, that's not trying to get a result today, but what it does is it plants a thought in Sarah's mind. A thought that maybe over time detonates as she realizes after maybe one too many bad dates or feeling lonely or feeling like she doesn't connect with other people as much as she connected with John in their first couple of dates, "Oh, maybe I oversimplified John." 'Maybe I underestimated John.' And actually ends up flipping it because John is terrified that he's lost someone with a ton of potential. The more she thinks about John's reaction to his mistake, the more she might wonder about the potential she has lost out on. And she may just give John that text or that phone call that he wanted back when he was scared of losing her. If this video is speaking to you, but you realize that you are still in too much of a reactive state to be able to trust the words that would come out of your mouth right now with somebody, I want you to do two things. Go to askmh.com and ask Matthew AI to help you regulate your emotions where you are right now. And once you're regulated, ask Matthew AI, what are some good texts or things I could say on the phone to this person that would help me say what I really want to say from a calm and abundant place. You can go and try it out at askmh.com. If you've never used it before, you can try it for free. And leave me a comment below. I'm enjoying reading your comments so much this year. There's an amazing community that's been forming this year. I want to keep it going. I will be in the comments section right now.