How To Talk About Your Insecurities In A Relationship | Rewind

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Time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it. That, to me, is what harms a relationship. Welcome to the Love Life Podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this classic clip from our archives. And if you want to let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on itunes under the Love Life Podcast. Enjoy.

But some people, specifically even men, might be like, I'm not doing that shit because I know what happens if I, if I go and expose like something I'm feeling and it gets rejected. That's a turn off for them. I've started a chain of events where they're going to get less attracted. I'm on the back foot. Why would I even bother exposing myself? Why would I even bother being honest?

I think this is a really important subject to talk about with men in general. Because is true, men are told to be vulnerable. And you know, I'm a, I'm a big fan of Brene Brown and her work. But I, I think that it's, it's, it's a, there's an extra hurdle for men to overcome in, in that work that I am being told that being vulnerable is a good thing. But I also am. I, I live in a world where sometimes I feel like being vulnerable is, is actually the opposite of what a woman wants. That if I am vulnerable, she's going to find me less manly, less attractive, less in control, less bold, less confident and, and she's going to. Suddenly I'm, I've devalued myself in relation to other men who seem infallible.

Yeah. And he might be this confident guy in loads of areas, but he's like, I show chink in the armor.

Right.

I show a weakness here, it's going to get pounced on.

Now the truth is what that means is if someone pounces on your weakness in that way, again, providing that weakness isn't your go to every day, that's what we'll come on to. But if you show vulnerability, which is not the same as even, it doesn't necessarily mean showing weakness. It's just being honest about times where you don't feel, you know, as secure or when you're feeling something that has hurt you or when you're struggling, sad, you're struggling. If you show that to someone and they pounce or they leverage that against you, then you're not with an emotionally mature person in a relationship. You're not with an emotionally mature woman in a relationship. You kind of, even as a man, you have to say that's a, that's a big red flag. If the first time I show that I'm not, you know, this perfect superhero of a human being, this person can't handle that, then I'm with someone who's looking for a kind of man that doesn't exist. And that's a reflection on their, in their lack of maturity and their lack of evolution because they've not actually understood they, they still don't understand men.

Yeah.

So let that person go and continue to look for someone who doesn't exist. This is not someone I want to be in a relationship with. But for men and women alike, repeating a vulnerability over and over and over again. This is what I think is, is I suppose the crux of what, what I want to get to with this episode. Repeating a vulnerability over time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it. That to me is what harms a relationship. Initial vulnerability improves the right relationship. Repeated vulnerability over time with no progress, no movement can damage a good relationship. If you take the example, I don't know of someone who, who does get jealous, but they get jealous over irrational things. It's not that you're expecting that that person's going to work that out and then one day they're never going to be jealous again. That's unrealistic. And in a way, you know, the right relationship, we should be more compassionate and understanding towards our partner. We shouldn't expect them to just whatever is the issue they've just worked out completely and it never returns. That's not a realistic.

Yeah.

Thing to expect of someone. But in a team. And a relationship is a team. Two people in a team. You want to see your partner trying. You want to see the movement that. This thing that, you know, you keep getting jealous of this time. Oh, but this time you wanted to get jealous. And I saw that. I saw that you actually decided to try to.

Different approach.

Yeah. You tried a different approach. You didn't bring me that this time. I can see you trying to. And trying might be I'm out with my friends, and I know you're the. You get jealous. So I'm gonna shoot you a message in the middle of the night to tell you I'm thinking of you, or I'm gonna, you know, let you know how my night's going. Because I just know that that will put you at ease. That's my trying. Your trying is that you don't make me feel like I'm doing something wrong simply for spending time with friends or spending time away from you.

Yeah.

It doesn't mean you'll never get jealous again, but it means I can see you trying. That, to me, builds relationships.

Yeah.

And what we have to ask ourselves, if you're in a relationship with someone who keeps bring, they're dumping, they're no longer being vulnerable. They're dumping. They keep bringing you the same thing over and over and over again with no progress, you have to start having a different standard for the progress you accept. You have to remind someone that this isn't about them being perfect. Imperfect progress is still progress. But if there's no progress, then we have an issue because now you're not being a good teammate to me. And if you're the person who's dumping, and if, when you're honest with yourself, you say, you know what? I'm no longer being vulnerable, I'm dumping. I keep bringing them the same thing over and over and over again. And with no different approach, with no evolution, we. It doesn't mean we'll never argue about it. But are the arguments getting a little more sophisticated? Are they an argument where it's has the echoes of the old issue, but there's movement?

Yeah.

If I'm not having a different kind of argument about this, if it's always the same one, then I'm not taking responsibility for that movement. And I am going to eventually harm the relationship. It is gonna, over time, hurt the relationship if I don't improve this. I am, and this is a very Important point, ladies and gentlemen, out there. When you feel something as a reflex response with our feelings, Steve, I'm a big believer. We don't choose our feelings. When you feel some. If you, if I say something right now and you feel something, you didn't choose that feeling, did you know? You just felt it.

Yeah.

It was an immediate feeling you had as a result of something I said. We don't choose our feelings, but we are responsible for what we do with them.

Yeah. It's almost like that Daniel Kahneman thing of system one, brain. System two. Brain system one is the animal reactive thing. And in system two is the longer thinking.

Yes. And if you say you can, none of us are responsible for our reflex feelings. But if you abdicate responsibility for them by dumping them on somebody else the whole time, instead of improving your response to those feelings, you're not being a good team player. You're not being a good partner because you're choosing no progress over imperfect progress. And sooner or later our partner is going to look at the kind of teammate they have.

Yeah.

And say, I, I don't know if this is the kind of teammate that I want in my life.

And good partners are not dumb. They, you know, if it's a good partner you have who is mature people do tend to judge on the averages of things.

That's right.

They don't always judge on single isolated incidents. They notice the averages of your behavior.

Which is why, you know Anne Lamott, a writer I love, she, she wrote All Truth is Paradox. In other words, for every truth, there's a counter truth. Is it true that being vulnerable should improve the right relationship? Yes. Is it also true that if you're just vulnerable in a relationship but without improvement ever, that can harm your relationship? Yes. Both things can be true. But what we're looking for is to say, I want a relationship where I can be vulnerable without thinking that me being vulnerable the wrong way once is going to make them dump me. But I also want to make sure that the average of my actions over time paints a picture of someone who's good to be in a relationship with.

Yeah.

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