"I Want A Serious Relationship, But They Want To 'See How Things Go'"

Welcome back to the podcast everyone. This is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. I'm also joined by Stephen Hussey and Audrey Hussey today. We're excited to be with you. If you haven't already, I want you to go over to askmh.com and ask the question that if I were in the room with you right now, you would want to ask me. and what you will get is a very specific answer tailored exactly to your situation from our newest development, Matthew A.I. You can text it, you can call it, if you call it, you'll literally hear my voice answering the question as if you and I were on a phone call together. It is wild, it is not a generic answer, the answer is pulled from my content, from everything I've said over 17 years, which is why it is so accurate. And the answers are so in depth. You can call Matthew AI and hear my voice. You can text it and get a text back. You can show it text messages. You could do all sorts of things with it. So just go play with it. That's my challenge to you. Just go have fun with it right now. AskMH.com is the link. And I think you're really gonna enjoy today's podcast episode because we are gonna be talking about a very confusing thing that people say on dating apps or when you're starting to talk to them about their intentions, that can make you question whether you should continue to invest time in them. Check it out. This is from a listener question that I think a lot of people are going to relate to.

This one's from Katie. Katie said, I started dating casually this year but quickly figured out that I wanted something more serious. And since then, I have tried to be more intentional about my dating goals when I chat to people on the apps. For example, I swipe left straight away when it says people are looking for something casual. However, I wonder what your thoughts are on the I'm open to seeing where things go, guy. often when I share my intentions for dating, when I'm chatting on apps, I get responses that say, well, if the right girl came along, I'd totally be open to seeing where it goes. I find myself unsure of whether to date people who have this kind of dating goal, if you can call it a goal, because it feels as though it creates a power imbalance or something, as if it puts the pressure on me to be that girl that makes them want a relationship, as opposed to being two people who want the same things and want to find out if it's with each other. I feel as though maybe I know the answer, but I'd really like your take on when you're dating for something more serious and long term. Do you bother dating men with this type of dating goal, or do you just send them their way? Is it a recipe for disaster? Love the podcast and thank you for everything that you do. Katie.

Hey, Katie.

I really like that she referred to this genre of men as I'm open to seeing where things go, Guy.

I think it's very common.

Yeah.

It's also, I think our instincts are good in that it's a very weak answer. And I want to point out that it almost, in some ways, it sounds more hopeful than it is. If you think of someone who wants a relationship, Right? It would be logical to say, if I found the right person, I'd absolutely be in a committed relationship with them. Or if I found the right person, I'd marry them if marriage is your thing. Seen in that context, it's a weird thing for someone to say, if I met the right girl, I'd be open to seeing where it goes. What I hear when I read that is, if I met the right girl, it's still not a sure thing. Yeah, I'm still sort of all your work is ahead of you. I'm still just seeing what that might become.

Well, she astutely said, right? It's basically she's not. She feels like she doesn't just have to convince them to want a relationship with her. She feels like she has to convince them to want a relationship altogether, which is. big difference.

Yeah, you don't want to be in the role of the convincer early on. And I think a lot of people get into this trap where they find someone who they go, well, they have 95% of everything I like, but there's this pesky 5% of they need to be convinced. And I think that's a false way to look at it because that 5% is actually a huge deal. But you'll go, well, he is smart, he works hard, he's loving, he loves his mom, he's good at blah, blah. But, you know, and then you go, well, if we can just bring that 5% over, then it's my perfect person. And, and, yeah, I think that role of being a convincer is just, is a power imbalance, for sure.

But you mentioned something interesting. Maybe having that conversation on a dating app before you've gone on a date with someone might be premature and kind of maybe not Being able to take whatever the answer is that she gave too seriously.

Yeah, here's the thing. I think if on a dating app, on a dating app, you should definitely put what you're looking for. Just it asks you, are you looking for a relationship, whatever.

Do you have to put it? Like, do you have to?

You don't have to, but you can just tick a box that says, oh.

Look at these sneaky people who don't put anything.

You can put nothing. And I think that's fine, but I don't, you're not, what you're not gonna get up front Let's say a guy doesn't put that on his profile. I don't think it's going to help you to immediately try and screen and go, well, what are you looking for? Because I think some people have this idea like I'm going to get all the information before I'm possibly going to even invest in going for a coffee or a drink with someone because I want to know everything and I don't want to waste any time. But I think that's like a false economy because It's very in, it is intense up front. It does put a lot of pressure on the person to think, well, maybe I do just want to go on date and see how this person is, but maybe I won't vibe with them. And I, you know, I don't want to feel like I'm a jerk if I then don't. And you are gonna have to at some point, you're gonna see how they are in person, their dynamic, the conversation, and you can get information in that conversation, which we were talking about earlier, right, Matt? You can still have all your boundaries early on, and they're gonna be the thing, like if he asks you to come back with him on a first date, and that's too fast for you, if he just wants to, every date, he just wants you to come over to his place and hang out and, you know, go to bed together, you're gonna be able to have all kinds of opportunities to say, Hey, I'm not actually looking for that. I'm actually looking for something that isn't just casual. Those opportunities are going to come up and you're going to see the consistency of his communication, how he talks about what he wants. So, those are going to be your times to talk about what you're looking for and see that. But I don't think on a dating app you're going to have this thing where it's like tick, tick, tick. I got everything up front and I know exactly this guy is going to be the commitment guy. Yeah, but a minority of guys will just say upfront, I'm looking for a wife, but I think those are a minority.

I also think that that would be suspicious if someone said, I'm looking for my wife. Right, so you're agreeing that that would be love bombing. No, my wife. If someone said, yeah, I'm looking, you know, I want to find someone, I'm ready to meet someone, I want to, you know, I want a relationship, that's fine. If someone says, I'm looking for my wife, that would also be a red flag to me.

Yeah, I do think that we have to. Yeah, I don't know why looking for my wife is a red flag, but.

It'S because it's like what women want to hear, but they know that they're doing it. Like, it's a love bomb move, in my opinion.

I agree. I think we have to separate out a couple of things. So, on a profile, if someone says, I'm looking for casual, then obviously swipe left. I would argue if they say on their profile, if I met the right girl, I'd be open to seeing where it goes. Swipe left.

Especially because they said girl.

Right. I agree with that. If we're past that point because their profile hasn't necessarily alluded to what they're looking for, but you're in an exchange with someone and it's going well, I would argue that having a text exchange about what their intentions are is the wrong forum for that. And I think that I'm only thinking about this in real time, but there's something interesting to me about this. We only really feel licensed to have those conversations with someone by text on a dating app because we're on a dating app. Now, there's no shortage of people that say they hate dating apps, right? I would argue most of the people that listen to this podcast, if they could meet someone in real life as opposed to on a dating app, they would opt for that. But let's take that scenario for a minute. If you met someone in a coffee shop today who you thought was attractive, you had a nice conversation with, and they said, why don't we meet for coffee sometime? You would not, in your first few text exchanges, then ask them what their intentions are.

That's so true.

It's a really, really good point.

It would feel very, very strange. for someone to do that. So that's kind of interesting because that's actually how most people would like for it to go down.

Or at a party, you had a chat, gone home.

I met someone, had a nice time, oh my God, I actually find this person attractive. And we had a nice little five-minute conversation and we have exchanged numbers. Great. All you say to that is great, great, great. And you look forward to the possibility that you might end up on a date together. And you kind of write it off as, well, if I find out on the date a whole bunch of things I don't like, then I guess so be it. That's part of the nature of the game, right? I met a stranger and it turned out they weren't right for me or our goals aren't aligned. But we then take a much more ruthless approach in online dating where we don't even want to have a conversation with someone before we know what their intentions are. And I think that we would have a different set of rules if we were talking to someone in real life is perhaps reason enough to say that actually my first goal here is to see if me and this person can have a great conversation, to see if we enjoy texting each other, to see if we make each other laugh, to see if it feels like we flow and we have a similar sense of humor. and that's my first port of call. And then if we get on a date and I find out our goals aren't aligned, we are only talking about one evening here. We're not talking about you're two months in and you find out that they have different intentions than you. So I agree with you, Steve, that it's good to have filters. We are always talking about having filters in all of our work. But you can't hedge your way out of every possible risk to your time and energy. You just can't do it.

Yeah, and I wrote this article where I said, what you need in the first, first just to go on a date, CFA, like cute, friendly, available. And, you know, obviously you should trust that they're, you know, a good person and, you know, gonna be safe and all those things, but cute, friendly, available. That's all you're looking for at the beginning. It's like, tick. Okay, let's go get a coffee. Let's get a drink. And being judgmental for, like, five other criteria at that point, it's just stuff that you don't know yet and you can't really judge yet. But where the people I know who go, like, trying to judge everything before they meet. tend to not do well in dating. They tend to not be open-minded enough to meet someone who surprises them or to they're not taking enough rolls of the dice.

Yeah. Oh, and by the way, let's, let's, you know, this works on the other side of the spectrum, too, where people will say they texted a bit too much, and that's why I never went on date with them. And that's always interesting to me, because that goes to your point that, that There's all these ways that we disqualify people before we ever really give them a chance. Again, I'm not saying the person who openly says, you know, if I met the right girl, I'd be open to seeing where it goes. I think that is a bullshit weak answer that if now that she has heard that from him or any guy, I would say, don't look back.

Yeah, the guy who says that in real life is a big no.

I would absolutely agree with her that to me is a red flag for you're gonna waste your time with this person. And all that person has learned is that saying they're not in the market for anything and killing any hope is a great way to... Not get laid.

Can we dissect that sentence quickly just to before, because it's just, it's so perfect. Well, if the right girl came along, I'd totally be open to seeing where it goes. Yeah.

Could you imagine anything non more non-committal being said ever?

Not open to a relationship, to.

Yeah.

Seeing where it gets. How many Hoops does this woman have to jump through before she gets approved?

So it means. That means that if By chance, of all the people in the world, you happen to be this man's right girl, then your grand prize is that he'd be open to seeing where it goes. You have to then say to yourself, the prize for being number one is not worth winning.

And your gap on seeing where it goes is absolutely nowhere to lasting marriage and everything in between.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a wide Gap.

Yeah, we'll see. If you're. If you are my perfect partner, if you are what I've been looking for my whole life, then. Yeah, absolutely. We'll see what happens. No, I mean, she's right. Katie, you're right. It's weak. It shouldn't interest you. It's worth moving on from anyone who says that. I. The only challenge I'm. making is that when you're talking to someone, I do think that it's far more important to see if you get along with someone and then to understand that your, your actual filters are the boundaries you have in real time, that if you're on a date with someone and you ask them questions about their life and You know, how they find it being single and are they someone who enjoys being in relationships? And, you know, you can ask those questions, but that's a conversation, right? It's, I think that that's when it happens by text, it's not a conversation, it's an interrogation. And it doesn't allow for that easygoing flow of, this is part of me getting to know you. which then, by the way, you can do what you like with that information. But I think in texting someone that, it almost is a way of communicating that you're afraid or that you've been burned in the past too many times, that there is a sense of frustration about the way you're going about this process. I don't think a date is the biggest risk to your time in the world. And I think you can learn a lot by being on a date with someone. And by the way, they'll also learn, there's many more crossroad moments where someone will learn what you're all about. If at the end of the date they try to go home with you, they'll learn what you're all about. They'll learn your standards. If they have a date with you and then they drop off the map for five days and you don't hear from them, and then all of a sudden they text you again, they'll learn who you are and what you're all about, that you value consistency. And so all, everything we ever talk about is about how you respond in key moments. But what you can't do before you've ever got to the point of really even connecting with someone is try to ward off any of those crossroad moments so that they never happen. because that's just not real life.

I love that. And I just have one last question, because if I'm Katie, I'm going, yep, loud and clear. I won't do that again. But, you know, you make a good point. I think she's basically is being like, I don't want to waste my time. I don't want to get hurt. I've, you know, basically been on enough dates now to know that men will quite gladly waste my time if I let them. So how do I find out an early date? that somebody is actually open to being in a relationship, not just, you know, if the right girl comes along, they're open to seeing if it potentially could, might go somewhere, maybe.

I would make the date, if you imagine a business meeting, right, for an opportunity between two people who may do business together.

Sounds very sexy. Imagine you're in business.

Just hold on. There's a point to this comparison.

Imagine you're on Zoom with your boss. No.

If you're on a business meeting, there is often a combination of, do we feel that we get along and are two people who would enjoy doing business together? And that is not something you can ask someone. It's only something you can feel by having conversation, by telling a couple of jokes, by seeing if you have the same kind of outlook on life. And you see if you have chemistry with that person and you would enjoy doing business with this person. But what their intentions are in business or where they want to take this project, or how long they want to be in this business for, those are questions that you have to ask. And so there's often a kind of part of a business meeting where you're looking for whether you have chemistry, and then there's often a part where, you know, there's an acceptance that, and now I'm going to ask you some questions to actually see what we've got here. So, you know, that thing you were, you know, you were talking about, I wanted to ask you about it. And now you get into the kind of brass tacks of, is this going to work? Do Do we have the same vision? Are we going to be doing this for as long as each other, whatever? On a date, there is a similar kind of thing going on, albeit less formal, which is first we're trying to figure out if there's chemistry and you can't ask if there's chemistry. You can only feel if there's chemistry based on the way that you interact with each other. But at some point, you also want to see if there's any point in seeing each other again based on the goals that the two of you have. And that doesn't have to be as ruthless as, so what are your goals for your love life? I think a lot can be learned from just talking about whether they are a relationship person, whether, you know, do they feel like a relationship is something they're looking for at this stage, or are they enjoying being single? and is, you know, for them is being out there just something that they're enjoying for its own sake.

So are they a relationship person? Do you prefer being in a relationship or being single? What are the ways in? What are other conversations that we can have?

Remember, you can always start by stating the things that are exciting to you, right? You don't have to launch in with a question for them. You can say, I am, you know, I've really enjoyed my, you know, my life being a single person. I have a lot of independence. I've kind of structured my life in a way that I really enjoy. And, you know, it's fun to have, you know, time for my friends and time for my work, which it brings me so much joy or which I really love and, you know, I can get a bit carried away with my sense of purpose sometimes. And however you wanna dress that up, right, is that you can talk about the positives of your life, but say, but I also, as someone who's, you know, I'm a very, I'm a person who really values connection. I'm a person who really values meaningful relationships. and, you know, I've definitely got to a point in my life where the idea of something really meaningful with someone, you know, the idea of having an amazing team with someone is really exciting to me. You know, I look at friends of mine who have partners where they're just an amazing team, and it's awesome. You know, to me, that's like what. It's what a great relationship is, is two people who are a team like that. And, you know, I've. I know that I wouldn't settle for less than that, but I know that for me, finding that is something that's really exciting to me. How about you? Like, what. What do you get excited by for your life? You know, by the way, let's not forget. because people might be like, yeah, but if you don't ask them a very direct question about whether they want a relationship or not, you're not going to get a direct answer. No, no, no, no, no. People are talking all the time, even when they're not talking. People are telling you things when they're not telling you things. If you say, what about you? And they spend the next 10 minutes talking about their career, you got an answer. That was an answer.

That's clever. I never thought of that before.

Yeah, that was a chance for them to tell you that they also love the idea of finding a relationship, and they chose not to. That was a decision. So you did learn something in that moment.

I I think you're totally right. It's like, how do they see their future? You can find out how they feel about their. previous or recent relationships and what are they prioritizing now? What do they say matters to them a lot and they're looking for?

And I talk about this in the book, the new book, Love Life, for anyone who already has a copy. There's a moment where I tell a story about Tanya, my friend, who would, she would even go on dates and talk about the fact that she's excited to be a mother. Like, She would be on a first date talking about the fact that, now I'm not saying this is right or wrong for anyone else, but she would go on a first date and talk about how she has had an amazing career, but how that career had her really focusing intensely for a long time. And now, and she loved that part of her life, but she's also really excited now to, you know, for other goals in her life, personal goals, like having a relationship and being, you know, becoming a mother and those things are really exciting to her. So even at that level, when she's talking about something even more serious than finding a relationship or something that's even more of a commitment, she's still able to bring it up in a way that is exciting and positive and framed around her life and why this moment in time is something, is a time when she's excited about that.

And she gets to see his response.

And you get to see their response. And remember, if you're coming away from their response going, I don't know what they think about that, Then they opted not to tell you that they had the same goal. And Occam's Razor says the reason Occam's Razor is the simplest explanation is often the best explanation. If they chose not to say, I agree or I resonate with that, it's because they don't resonate with that.

Confusion is an answer. Katie, I hope this was helpful. Thank you so, so much for sending your question in. And thank you guys so much for the amazing insight.

Send in your questions podcast@matthewhussie.com what should the subject line be for these emails?

Open to seeing where things go, Guy.

It's a very long subject.

Wait and see, Guy.

What about see where it goes?

I'm not a casual Clancy. Not yet a woman.

That was a field. It was just quoting Britney songs now.

I called her girl.

Got it. Okay.

Casual Clancy.

I know. All right, I know. The subject line should be, right, girl, let's see.

Okay.

I like it.

Okay, right, girl, let's see.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you, everyone, for watching. Don't forget to check out Matthew AI. If you have a question for me, which, you know, why wouldn't you? We all have questions. Go and actually get Matthew AI's response to your question. You can text it, you can call it, whatever you want. If you can think up a question, you can ask it. And I promise you, Matthew AI will have an answer for you. Go to askmh.com to try it out now. and we will see you next time. Be well, friends and love life.