“I’m nearly 40 and feel rushed to find love…help!”

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What people will do a lot of the time is have relationships that distract them from that anxiety. But the relationship that they have to distract them from the anxiety is a relationship that over time actually compounds the the anxiety. Welcome back to Love life everybody. We're excited to be here. We have a big episode today full of really, really important wisdom. If you are someone right now who is dating but feeling the pressure of the clock, someone who feels like they're running out of time, maybe you really, really want a relationship and you're afraid that you're never going to find it. You're afraid that you're going to be the last one left on the shelf as all of your friends pair off. Maybe they already have and you feel like you are the only one left. Maybe you want kids and you feel like you're running out of time to have a family. There's all sorts of pressures that get put on us both externally and internally that can make us frightened and panicky when it comes to our love lives. And this episode is the ultimate antidote to that. We talk about how to put these fears aside. How to date from a place of urgency, but not from a place of panic. How you can create immediate pressure valves that can take away the anxiety in your love life when you're looking for love and allow you to actually enjoy the process again instead of feeling like you're behind. Stay tuned for all of that. I'm so excited for this one. I know it's going to make so many of you feel better if right now you're struggling with the anxiety of time running out. And of course, if you are one of our Live loves members of our Love Life coaching program. I just did a live coach check in on the 23rd. The recording of that is inside your members app. On July 21, Audrey is going to be doing a session on how to own yourself in early dating, how to uphold your standards, be the most confident version of yourself and really be as attractive as you can possibly be when you're first in those crucial stages with someone. On August 5th, Stephen is going to be doing an entire masterclass on what we call the Flame method, which is how you create inevitability in your love life. This year, if you want to meet someone, how do you design a life that attracts quality people to you? In addition to all of these live experiences that you get every month, you also get access to the entire library of Love Life member only courses. We have courses on commitment, attraction, getting over breakups, attachment styles, all all sorts of different areas of your love life. And you get round the clock access to Matthew AI, which is my alter ego, my digital mind that you can talk to to get your questions answered by phone or by text, any time you need. And you get access to exclusive members only live in person events that we do every quarter over the course of the year. We have a meetup coming up in Miami, we have another one coming up in London. We have more cities to come. Check it all out@joinlovelife.com and become one of our prized live loves. Also, by the way, if you want to go and try Matthew AI for free, go and ask Matthew AI a question right now. Questions like could you Matthew AI give me a three phase plan to meet someone in the next six months? Or a question like what are three low pressure ways to communicate my desire for a long term relationship on a date? Go ask any question you'd like to ask of Matthew AI for free. Just to try it out@askmh.com and with that, let's begin the episode foreign to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, Stephen Hussey and Audrey Hussey. Three Hussies.

Hello friends and chums and pickles and plums.

Hey everybody.

We are talking today about the feeling of being in a rush when it comes to our love lives. Dating under pressure and what are the pressures that we feel when it comes to our love lives?

Well, we did a poll because why not?

You love a bit of a data dump, don't you?

Coming from you, you love a data dump. I love how you and I today are just. We're bickering like brother and about.

And about, like, really weird things.

I know. We've been bickered all day. It's been lovely.

We've just purposely picked fights.

I know. It's fun. It makes me. Makes me. Makes me feel close to. So the question that we asked everybody was, do you feel rushed in modern dating? And if so, why? The options we had were, I feel rushed because I need to have kids and start a family. I feel rushed because marriage is important to my happiness. I feel rushed because I'm afraid of not finding a partner as I get older. And I feel rushed because I need financial security. Any ideas what. What people voted for the most?

Oh, I'm going to say kids.

Interesting. What do you think, Stephen?

I'm going to say kids, but. What was the third one?

Getting older was fear of not finding a partner as you get older.

It could be that one. It could be one or three.

Well, you guys are both right in. In a way. The top voted one was fear of not finding a partner as you get older and actually had a 67% vote, so a huge landslide towards that answer. The second one was a need to have children and start a family at 24%. The third one was a need for financial security at 5%. And the fourth one, feeling like marriage is important to my happiness at 4%. So, yeah, significantly, most voted was the one of fear of not finding somebody and getting older, which I actually. It does not surprise me at all.

No, I mean, I. It surprises me a little bit what a landslide it was for that one.

Because you'd think maybe people would feel like, well, you know, if I'm dating at 50 or so, I could still find somebody. But I guess people don't feel that.

But I think sometimes people, like, they're not necessarily connected to wanting children. Some people are, but they know that that will come with finding the right person. And it's almost this feeling of like, you know, my life will start once I have this goal achieved in finding a partner. And obviously, as you get older, you know, there is a feeling of the pool shrinking and people pairing off and, you know, this rhetoric we hear of the good ones being taken. And so I can imagine that's, you know, that's the reason why people so overwhelmingly voted for that one.

It's also combining that with the fear that, you know, a lot of people have that my stock is falling as I get older. Whether or not it's true, there is this perception of, I'M gonna become increasingly invisible. I am losing my looks. I am gonna just not be as desirable.

And I think that men have this issue as well. Like, it's often that poll went out to men and women, and I think often, you know, men have the same thing where they. They think I need my career in the perfect place if I'm gonna, like, attract the partner I want and provide what I want. And that might come later for them. Then they're like, I'm not 27 and I'm not. I don't feel at my most physically attractive anymore that I used to be. So I think everyone comes across this issue of feeling like, am I getting out of the window where I can meet the partner I imagined?

I think everyone. We all do this thing where we keep finding an older person who's really hot to compare ourselves to. We try and find, like, an older, hot role model who's killing it so that we can convince ourselves we'll still be killing it. But at the heart of that is this fear of losing our value.

Right?

Yeah. And, you know, this doesn't just come in the form of looks. Right. I think that this is the reason we chose this subject. I'm so happy we're talking about this, is that so many of us live with this kind of fear that is omnipresent in every single part of our lives. That basically, like, the thing we want the most in the world, which is to find love, isn't necessarily going to happen for us, or we don't have evidence to prove that it's going to happen for us. Meanwhile, we witness, you know, people that we care about, our siblings, our friends pairing off, having children, getting married, doing all of the kind of life milestones that make you feel like, oh, my God, I really am behind. I'm the only person left in my friendship group, in my family, whatever, who hasn't found somebody. And then that makes us feel doubly terrible about ourselves. And, you know, one of the things that we want to achieve today is just kind of help people reframe a lot of the way that they think about this. Because I think that the fact that so many people voted that they were afraid that they were not going to find their person, I guarantee you there are just an eclectic range of ages within those people, people who voted for that. And it kind of shows you that no matter how old you are, the uncertainty of knowing that you can't guarantee that you'll find someone is something that can plague you. And I remember when I was 29 years old. I look back and I think 29 is young. But I remember thinking, what if I never meet anybody? This is the thing I want the most in the world. What if I never meet anybody? And I was 29, but it didn't matter. I just was like, I'm getting close to 30. This is it. Like, blah, blah, blah. I'm watching other people do these things, which is crazy, right? Because now I think, oh my God, what am I talking about? Like I don't no longer sort of like look at it like that. But it's easy to, to say that from a place of going. Well, I have a relationship and I think that's really important for us to connect to, which is if you're in that place where you haven't actually found that person and you want that more than anything in the world, it's really, really scary. Yeah, it sucks.

There's also a sense in which I think earlier in life you don't know how many different ways life changes for people.

That's so true.

And how many things you took for granted were always going to stay the same. Don't stay the same anyway. So you compare yourself to someone who's already found love and you don't realize that there's a really strong chance they won't be in that relationship ten years from now. Even some of the marriages you look at as the most stable marriages, there is no guarantee that, that that marriage is still going to be there in 20 years.

Yeah, it's like that Baz Luhrmann song when he says sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself. I always remember that lyric because I think it's so true. When we're in the, in the middle of it, we don't realize quite how long the race is. Not that it's a race, but like you know, how long on an actual, on a, on a long enough timeline, how much everything can change. And you feeling behind might mean that in 10 years time you'll be the most ahead of all of your friends because for all you know, their relationships won't be around anymore. But you don't see that in the moment, especially when you're younger.

Yeah, there's something, I mean this in a positive way, but there's something strangely freeing about the idea that your 35 year old friend right now. I don't. This is going to sound awful, but it's not meant to. Could be 55 and getting a divorce 20 years from now. And that. That means if you stayed single for 20 years, in 20 years, you and that person would be starting from the same place again.

Yeah.

And actually that kind of makes a mockery of the whole idea of ahead or behind, because when we're in an insecure and a place of scarcity, we look at people who we perceive to be further ahead than us and it. It just feels like we have gotten it all wrong somehow. We often at the same time fail to see ways that we're actually doing really well. Things that we have figured out or things. Areas in life where we've made huge progress. We're very good at focusing on the one area where we feel really behind and using that to make ourselves feel awful. It's all. Life is not as structured and as neat and tidy as I think. And that can in some ways be scary, but. But it can also be very freeing and it can make you realize that actually a new game starts every day.

And what you just said is so important, this idea that, like, I don't have it all figured out when it comes to my fate in love.

Yeah.

You know, we think, oh, well, it hasn't happened for me, and I'm really unfortunate in this area and everybody else finds it easy and I find it really hard. So therefore it will never happen for me. That's the conclusion you draw. What if it doesn't happen? What if I never get this thing? And again, we shouldn't be so. And I mean this in a. In a. And, you know, you'll know how I mean this. Hopefully we shouldn't be so arrogant as to think that we can predict the future about ourselves either, especially when it comes to what we can and can't do. You can do anything. You can get anything.

Life can change, and it can change so much in the space of three to five years. I mean, it can change so much. Your life can be pretty unrecognizable a year or two from now from where it is today. But life can change so much in just a handful of years. That to me, is extremely empowering. If we kind of use it to go. I think of it as a form of time travel. You can kind of go forward in time to a year from now, two years from now, three years from now. And to some extent, you might be able to have a good guess at where some parts of your life might be if you just keep doing exactly what you're doing today. And by the way, we've established that even that's not necessarily true. Because things can change in ways you could never predict. But I do think that based on our habits today, based on how many dates you choose to go on, based on how you're choosing to improve your communication skills, or your ability to flirt or create attraction or make the most of what you have, or put yourself out there in the world, you can predict to some extent where your love life is likely to be in a year.

Yeah.

Now, what I think is a legitimate form of time travel is you get to look at that picture in a year and go, do I like this? Am I happy with this? Do I want it to be different? And you get to then come back to today and make adjustments in what you're doing on a daily basis that actually will change that picture a year from now. So it shouldn't create panic, because remember, there is no ahead or behind. As you said, Audrey, the race is just with yourself. There is no ahead or behind. But what we can do is come back with us to today from that little time travel exercise with a sense of urgency about what it is we really want, what steps might move us, might start to change that picture a year from now if I did them today. And what would I stop doing if I really wanted that picture to change?

Well, one thing I did want to just mention briefly is also the statistics around this, because I think to your point, Audrey, like, there's a lot of externally imposed panic. And although we can say, yes, this is a priority, this might even be the top priority, I think the data does also show, like, a lot of people are doing this much later than they ever talking about having kids, having children, getting married. It's gone up since the 90s, I think people having children over 35 has gone up threefold from about like 8% to 21%.

These numbers really were fascinating. So this is from a CDC study. Women between 20 and 24 had 44% fewer births from 1990 to 2023, while they dropped by 23% between 25 to 29 year olds. I think most people would expect that, right. That people having kids dropped dramatically during their 20s in the last 30 years. But this is where it gets really, the numbers are amazing. The number of births among women aged 30 to 34 increased during that time by 24%. Women between 35 and 39 experienced a steep 90% increase in births. That is staggering. And then women 40 and older marked a new high for birth rates, seeing a 193% surge.

Yeah.

In this time.

And so the data I saw showed that, like, as of 2023, of all the births in the US like 20.9% were over 35 year olds and that's 20%, like over 20% of all births over 35 and you know, up to 40 and beyond. So I just think like, we, yeah, it's all very real, but I do think as well it is. Also there has been a huge cultural shift and a huge, just on the numbers basis. We can sometimes have this peer group effect where you just see your immediate 5 to 10 peers and you assume that's the norm. But you know, you can look a bit wider and see a lot of examples now of people doing this later finding someone beyond the age. People think, oh, I must have done it by 30. That's just not the reality right now.

The danger of that, I, I love the comfort that that can offer people. The danger is that it doesn't just decrease panic, it decreases urgency. Because if someone knows that it's a genuine life goal of theirs to have kids and they use those kinds of stats to justify giving another year or two or five to some on and off person who never commits and doesn't show any signs of progressing the relationship, but they're having fun with them and they've kind of fallen in love with them and they don't know how to give them up. Using these numbers, these stats to justify giving more time and attention to that person and is extremely dangerous.

Yes.

Because now I can have what I call distraction relationships. Right. I think this is a big thing for people who have a low level anxiety that starts to increase over time about never finding love or not finding love in time to have kids. What people will do a lot of the time is have relationships that distract them from that anxiety, but the relationship that they have to distract them from the anxiety is a relationship that over time actually compounds the, the anxiety. Because you, you're now giving more and more time and attention to someone who's not progressing, who doesn't fully commit or who doesn't have the same goals as you. And all of a sudden you see another, like while you've been distracted, five years of your life went by.

Yeah. And it's like sunk cost fallacy. Like people say, I've put two years into this, so what's another year? But actually that another year gets, it gets more and more valuable.

And it's particularly dangerous because the sunk cost fallacy of, you know, I. And it's also in term, the sunk cost bias. The, the idea that, you know, I've put that I've played this much at the table. I should play more to get my money back. And we do that with relationships. You know, I've spent this many years with this person. I can't just give it up now as if it's not. Yeah, but the sunk cost fallacy and the distraction relationship work together in a very dangerous way. Because now you have something that is both a distracting drug that can make you forget temporarily about what your real goals are. Because it just feels good. It's like someone to hang out with this Friday night. It's someone that I really enjoy their company. When I get it, it's. It feels like something's going on in my love life, and that feels better than nothing going on in my love life. I feel feelings of love for this person, so that feels important somehow. At least I'm getting all of those wonderful feelings when I get them. Between hangovers of feeling like I'm abandoned by this person and not loved by this person and not chosen by this person. All of that distraction is happening and will convince ourselves that that distraction is worth it because maybe it will actually go somewhere one day. So they end up working together in a very dangerous way. And this is how people end up just spending enormous amounts of their precious time in situations that never actually move them forward to their goals is the illusion of progress.

Yeah.

And that's what I mean by urgency, not panic. Urgency is what tells us. And by the way, urgency plus knowing what our values are, knowing what we actually value at this point in our life, that's what makes it really clear to us what we should say no to. Because if we don't have urgency plus a clear sense of what we're valuing right now, we say yes to what feels good or who feels good. You do meet someone who's a lot younger, in a different place in life as completely different goals, and think, oh, this just feels really right. It feels really right. Which isn't the same thing as this is aligned with what I really want. And our love lives are particularly dangerous because we root them so heavily in the world of feeling and not in the world of values and goals and what's actually important to us. And sometimes what feels really good and what actually serves our greater goals and our values are completely different. Sometimes we have to actually do the most unnatural thing in the world, which is go back to being alone or being, you know, choosing being single at a time when this person who we know is misaligned with our goals is saying yes to us and would actually feel like Activity in our love lives. It requires incredible. I want to say it requires incredible bravery. But actually, on a deeper level, it doesn't always require bravery. It requires incredible connection to what is really important to us.

Discipline.

And discipline. To say no to this right now, even though there's nothing else in its place right now, that feels like an incredible leap of faith. But if you know that that's not ultimately going to move you forward, that it's just the illusion of progress, it's not real progress. It gets a lot easier to say no to those things.

Yeah, there was someone who said about, I think it was Neil Young or something, it said like, like, when you're young and have no opportunity, say yes to everything. And he said, when you have lots of opportunities, say no to everything but your art. Talking about being an artist. But there is some parallel there of, like, when you know what you really want and what is your North Star really matters. It's like, yeah, if you're at zero right now and can't. You're like, how do I get out there? It's like, yeah, you should start saying yes more being out there. But eventually it's actually like, say no to everything but the. The thing that is what's going to give you the fulfillment.

Yeah. Well, I, for one, really like those figures. I find them very encouraging. And I think, you know, if. If I wanted to share a message with everybody or anybody listening who is in that place where they're freaking out, they're afraid, especially if they feel like they're on some kind of timeline when it comes to their biological clock or, you know, being able to find the right person at the right time. You know, anecdotally I even think of my life. Anecdotally, I look at all of my friends and all of the people around me, and so few people have ended up where the trajectory had placed them in the beginning, if that makes sense. Like, a lot of my friends who are in the longest relationships are struggling to have children and get pregnant with their partners. Other friends who have been with their partners for really short periods of time are pregnant and got pregnant literally by looking at each other, some of them in their 40s. And it's just. It's just not linear. It's just not one size fits all. And I just, I agree with everything that's been said. And what we don't want is for that to create a sort of like, you know, well, I don't need to be serious and I don't need to date intentionally because I think all of that's true, but I hope that it does alleviate some of that pressure for people because to date from that place of fear and like musical chairs and time is running out is a horrible, horrible place to be coming from. And actually it's also the bedrock of making terrible decisions. So I'm really, really encouraged by that data. And I hope that everybody truly takes a second to connect to how much time they actually have and not give in to the societal pressure. And this idea that once you hit a certain age, it's all downhill from there. It's not true. There's other factors other than age, as your health, the way you take care of yourself. There's lots and lots of things. And finding a partner isn't a guarantee that you're going to be able to have children either. So it's just, I think all of that to me is very encouraging. I hope everybody agrees. When who's listening?

I couldn't agree more. And, and not giving in to the urge to constantly compare ourselves because as you said, you, you just don't know. You know, it's so easy to compare our lives to somebody else's, but you don't know what's going to go wrong in their life. You don't know how their plan isn't going to go to plan. You just have no idea. And the same is true of yours. Theirs will be a very unique path that's unique to them. And yours will be a very unique path that's unique to you. My boxing trainer, Martin Snow, once said something that I never forgot. He was saying it in the context of boxing when I was trying to, like, throw a certain punch that he was teaching me. And, you know, he, he caught on to the fact that I was overthinking exactly the way I threw the punch. And he said to me, you can't do it. It's like life. You can't do it wrong. It's yours, it's yours. And I remember applying that to life and taking that message with me that it's, you can't do it wrong. It's your life. Don't compare your, your life to somebody else's and say, well, but they've got this and they've got this by now. And then you can't do it. What happens if, you know, this, this couple that you thought were the perfect couple who had it all figured out, nothing ever went wrong for them, all of a sudden can't have a child. And that was their dream. Like they. Now they're gonna have to take their situation in life and make it theirs. Your situation is something you have to make yours because you have no idea what's going to happen. But you can't do it wrong because it's yours.

I love that. Let us know please, what you guys think about all of this. I'm sure it drags up a lot of emotions, a lot of feelings for people. We could talk about this for hours and hours, but we have to move on. So please drop us an email if you have any additional thoughts@podcastthewhassey.com podcast.com please.

Do email us because we actually love reading your emails and we love them not just when they're questions, but when you just email in a thought what something meant to you in an episode or how it spoke to you or even just a story because we love hearing your stories as well. And you know, depending on the length, we will read some of them on the show. So email in podcast matthewhussey.com Coming up on the show we have Love Lifeline, which is our section of the podcast where we either read an email or play a voicemail that has come to podcastthewhussey.com from one of our Love Life members, affectionately now known as our Live Loves. This one is from Rachel, so we're going to come on to Rachel in a moment. We also have Steve Sleeves.

What's up his sleeve?

Steve Sleeves today? We'll find out. Before we do that, I just wanted to read some thoughts that were sent in on recent episodes. This one was from episode 294. Why they acted Interested then disappear. The real reason. This is from someone in Portugal who says, hi, I've been listening to you for some time now and I want to thank you for your work. I love that there are three of you now.

Hello.

It's possible that this person's talking about David and Harrison and me, not you.

Very, very possible.

But some would say likely.

Very possible.

Thank you. And a big thank you from David and Harrison on that one.

Stephen, should we just start our own podcast?

Love Portugal?

Excuse me, I'm in the middle of reading this comment. I've been listening to you some night time now. I love the three of you now on the podcast and I love to listen to your points of view. If I may just ask for one thing because everything else is perfect. Could you possibly try to be a little less heteronormative? It's important to people like myself who are not heterosexual but like to follow your good advice. Smile. Greetings from Portugal. I love that Comment. I'll be honest. It's not always easy. It's. It's challenging, you know, with three straight people who are, you know, have been steeped in heteronormative relationship advice for a very long time. You know, probably me the longest out of anyone here, and I, you know, it's. It's challenging to change the vernacular in real time to make it more inclusive, and that does not in any way reflect a desire to keep the advice narrow. I will tell you, one of my favorite things in the world is walking down the street and being approached by someone from the LGBTQ community who says, I love what you do. Like, you have massively helped me or you helped me through the worst breakup of my life. And it's. For me, the idea that more and more people from all different communities are just getting huge value from this work is so validating and so rewarding. And we don't pretend to know every experience of every different person from every different group. But what I believe at my core is that the vast majority of everything we say is universal and has universal application. So you have my word that we will. And we do try. I promise you, we do try. And over time, one of the reasons you've seen certain, you know, pronouns sort of disappear a little bit for us is because we don't want. Not least of which we don't want guys either, to feel like they're excluded straight men. We don't want them to listen to a podcast or a video that says, hey, ladies, and they're like, oh, this isn't for me. When, in fact, what we're about to say will be incredibly useful to you. So we. We've tried to lose some of that, but it's. It's not always easy. Habit is, you know, it's hard to change, so I will be conscious of it. We will do the best we can with that. And please bear with us as we do. And please realize that it's never a reflection of how much we love you being here and how much we think that this will be helpful to you out there, whoever you are. These are a couple of thoughts sent in to episode 300. Letting go of the life you thought you'd have. Grief, truth, and rebuilding. This one is from the Rainbow Bitch 30. I feel incredibly lucky to be in a time where I have access to this with no effort. Man, what a time to be alive. Now, again, it's possible that this person is saying access to David.

Yes.

And.

Or Harrison, which is why I put that in there.

Got it. Okay, so this one is from uraninite 8151, who says, damn, this is so true. But my fear, and I think it's quite a common one, is that I won't find anyone else. So this is where we were talking about breakups. My fear is that I won't find anyone else. Even if my ex wasn't perfect for me, it now feels like they were my only chance. Strange that I felt the opposite before the breakup, though. Yeah, that's a classic kind of psychological trap we fall into when we lose something, isn't it distorting that person or that thing's value simply because we no longer have it.

Loss aversion.

Have you ever.

Prospect theory, if you want to get formal about it.

Go on.

Well, that when you have something, it feels inherently more valuable letting go of it. It's like having something in your attic you haven't seen for ages. But then when someone's like, do you want to get rid of it? You're like, oh, no. What if? Maybe I really need that.

This is what.

And I'm not saying a relationship's like that, but just the idea of losing something can make you overvalue it.

I find it helpful when. When I felt that way in my life about different things. I find it helpful to remind myself that there was life before this person and this thing and there will be life after. And, like, you lived how many years of your life before completely fine. And just, like, not even before you even knew this person or this thing existed. Like, you can get back there.

Yeah.

And I find that to be a useful thought.

I love that. Well, thank you to everyone who messaged us about those episodes. Again, you can message us about this episode and any other thoughts you have@podcasty.com. all right. It is that time. Love, Lifeline. David, have you got the voice note?

Beep, beep, boop, boop, beep, boop, boop, boop.

There you go.

I love that you love that.

Yeah.

He asked me all of the things.

You criticize Audrey for, and this is what you love.

He doesn't criticize me.

Thank you. To have been bickering like a couple of handsome kittens all day.

Yeah. Because we're brother and sister, but when.

She does something great, I give props.

Yeah. And also, we've got each other's backs.

Right. So it's sort of. She's mine to mess with, not anyone else's.

Yeah.

Do it again.

Beep, beep, boop.

We're gonna do it again.

I love that jingle.

Okay, so this person, this one's come through on the pigeon phone.

Pigeon phone.

How and when do I bring up to someone I'm dating that I want to have children? Pretty soon. I'm 37 and just broke up with the person I thought I was going to marry after one year of dating. Well, I haven't lost hope. I fear he was my last chance to have children. I constantly hear people say, you have plenty of time. You know, I know someone who had a baby at 42, but being able to have a baby at 42 is not a guarantee. I saw a fertility specialist and it's quite obvious that my window to have a baby is quite closing and I can't afford egg freezing. How and when do I address my shortened timeline with new prospects without it seeming like I'm putting pressure on them? And how do I politely tell them that my time is valuable in that regard and ask them to be honest with me about their long term intentions? I feel I did a pretty good job of this with my last boyfriend, but here I am a year later, back at square one.

Man. Thanks for sending that in, Rachel. I, I have a first initial thought to kick us off, please, which is the importance of dating an adult. And what I mean by that is if you're 37 and one of your big goals in life is to have a child, make sure to only date people who are also in that phase of life, not people that you're having to convince or kind of drag over, drag across the finish line, I should say, because they're not quite ready. Maybe they're like 35, going on 29. You know, date adults and be very selective and picky about dating adults.

And that comes right back to that point about urgency knowing what to say no to and who to say yes to. And that that point about, you know, dating a quote adult is, is about dating someone who's capable of handling the conversation that doesn't run a mile simply because you're someone who's expressing that this is a really important goal for you and that doesn't have to come up on date one or date three or date five. But if we're looking at a timeline where we're talking about a handful of years, not a decade, you don't want to get months into dating someone only to find that you can't even have that conversation with them.

Well, that's the thing I really reject is this idea. People go, yeah, but we're not going to get into that stuff until we've been Dating a while. And I just think you don't want to spend four months dating someone and then have those conversations like you can on date three. Three, take four or five at least be like, exploring and talking about your vision for your life where what's important to you right now? Oh, I, you know, even in your profile on Bumble or Tinder or whatever, like, do. Just say. You don't have to say, like, I'm looking for kids in next year, but be like, I am at a stage in my life where I really want a serious relationship. And it's, you know, that's an important goal of mine right now.

And I think if you're dating people who are in your. In your age bracket, you know, 37 and up, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask somebody on date one or even, like, if you don't want to do date one because it doesn't come up late. You know, you can ask that on date, too. But I think you can ask pretty early on. Like, you know, do you, you know, you can talk about your family and let's say you have a good relationship with your family. You could be like, oh, I just love my family. That's such a beautiful part of my life. I've always actually had really strong family values. Families always meant a lot to me. You know, you let that be a conversation and you say, do you think, you know, is that something you want in your life? Do you. Do you want a family? I think there's nothing wrong with asking that question because what you're really trying to see is whether somebody's vision for their life aligns with yours. And again, an adult who's also looking for the same things as you isn't going to go, oh, my God, you know, they asked me if I wanted a family. Like, that's so full on. You don't. You're not saying, do you want a family with me tonight? You're just saying, like, what do you want? What are you looking for? And I just, I think, again, it's not being so afraid of scaring people away, because I think you'll only scare away the people who are probably not sure and not being intentional. And if you're in a point where you've gone to a fertility expert and you're really feeling like actually you do have a shorter window to, to find that person and make that dream come true, I don't think you have time to waste on people who are kind of arming and arring about that. I think it's Time to get very intentional about the people you go on a date with. To your point, Stephen, I think that's really nice.

And when you do express, you know, as you start to have deeper conversations with someone and you do express that having kids is something that is a big life goal for you, it's actually fine. And I would say even a good idea to express the truth that, you know, for you, having having kids is something that's really important. But the challenging part is that you wouldn't do it with someone who didn't feel right to you, and you wouldn't do it with someone who wasn't the kind of person you saw yourself with long term or saw yourself raising children with or who didn't have the right values. And, you know, that is one of just the, the truisms of people for people who want to build a family but also have standards for the kind of family they want to build is that everyone faces that dilemma. Yes, I really want this to happen. But I also know that, you know, it's really important to me that that happens with the right person. Because when someone hears that, they don't just hear, like, they don't just hear someone who's on a mission and then start to get afraid because they're dating someone who's hell bent on having kids no matter what. What they hear is someone who has standards because there's nothing. What someone doesn't want to feel is like they're just part of an agenda for you.

That's true.

And the, the relationship you're having with them really has nothing to do or very little to do with how special you think they are or, or how great the connection is or how right you are for each other. It is just become a bit of a means to an end. No one wants to feel that. And when you say that, what I just said, when you're able to express that in your own way, you're telling people that's not the case. That's not what I'm looking for. So I would connect authentically with your desire both to have the right partner and to have children, and then not be afraid to express that as you get into deeper conversations with someone. A reasonable human being who's emotionally intelligent will hear that and go, wow, that's powerful that you're able to articulate that. And it actually shows confidence to be able to articulate that.

Yeah.

And I think one more thing, Rachel, is just. It's important for you to know I understand what you said about, you know, egg freezing Being too expensive. And it's so sad that, you know, especially in. In certain parts of the world, it's prohibitively expensive for so many people. But I do think it's important to search yourself and say, if. If I didn't meet a partner in time to be able to do this, is that something I could make my peace with? Or will I regret not having made it a major goal to do this by myself? Even if it didn't mean egg freezing, even if it meant, you know, finding a sperm donor? Is this. Is this something that I need to be thinking about as a major goal? The same way I would think about, like, I need to buy a house or I need to rent an apartment or I need to. You know, you can make it one of your financial goals if you decide this is no matter what, you want this to happen, whether you meet someone or not. And the reason I say that is because it's just so important that you get clear on how important this is to you. Some people will say, if I don't meet someone in time, then, okay, I will learn to make my peace with that, because I have no interest in raising a child by myself. And that's a completely fair place to arrive. But if you arrive there, arrive there consciously, don't sleepwalk into that feeling, because then what results is a kind of not just a grief, but a regret that I didn't make a plan B for myself and for a lot of people. You know, having coached a lot of people in this area now, and I write about. I have a whole chapter on this in my book Love Life. So, you know, Rachel, if you. If you haven't read the chapter in my book that's called the Question of having a Child, please go and read that in the new book. But a lot of people, when they have a plan B like that and they take it seriously, it's actually one of the things that allows them to date in a more relaxed way, because they know that no matter what, they are going to proceed with a plan that allows them to have a shot at having a child. It's not reliant on the person in front of them, but these are intensely personal calculations and decisions that we all have to arrive at ourselves. And just want to invite you into that kind of honesty with yourself.

And, Rachel, one thing I want to just also say to you is, we touched on this earlier in the episode, but I think it's important to reiterate here, like, I have a friend who wanted to have a baby more than anything in the world. She was planning on actually doing it on her own. She then accidentally got pregnant with some random person that she wasn't in a relationship with, and he didn't want anything to do with her. But she basically found out she was pregnant a month into dating another person who has said to her, I'll stick by you during this pregnancy, and I just want to be with you, and I accept the fact that you're going to have this baby and I'll. I'll be there. And the reason I talk about this story is that you just never know what the future holds and in what capacity things can happen in. And so, again, it's kind of not looking at things in such a restrictive, like it has to be this one way or no way. Because I think in life in general, if you. If you come across a barrier, you know, you have to find a way around it. If you want to get to the other side, you just have to find a way around it. And the way around it can look like being open to different opportunities and different options around this subject. So I just wanted to say that as well, don't. Don't feel like your whole entire, you know, happiness and everything that you desire in this life is in the hands of this elusive partner that you haven't met yet. It's actually very firmly in your hands and you have so much more control over making that dream happen than you realize.

Well said. Before we get on to Steve's sleeves. Tickets are on sale right now for the Matthew Hussey retreat this October. Whether you want to join us in person and in Miami on the 18th and 19th, or you want to attend the retreat virtually, you can do both by going to mhretreat.com and getting your tickets. Right now, if you are joining us in Miami, firstly, I can't wait. It's going to be so exciting to see you. But we have different tiers of tickets from general admission preferred and VIP tickets. The VIP tickets, tickets are selling fast. There's actually not that many left of the VIP tickets. So grab one of those now if you know you want a VIP experience at the event and all of the goodies and extras that come with that. The life we have right now is not just a result of our circumstances, it is a result of our patterns. And the hardest thing about patterns is how hard they are to shift. But we can change our patterns, and when we learn how to change our patterns, we change our life. I'm going to be working with you on changing even the most stubborn patterns in your life, helping you get out of your own way, stop the self sabotage and truly achieve what you're capable of achieving. Whether it's new love, whether it's a different career, or whether it's a different social life or just more joy and happiness. I'm going to show you the best of what I know as a coach, and we're going to do it over one immersive weekend together. So again, both virtual tickets and in person tickets are available@mhretreat.com we truly hope to see you there. It's that time again. Who's doing the theme song? Have you got the theme song now?

But I'm gonna. It's gonna, it's gonna be like this. It's gonna be like. Don't be bereaved. You know that we can't leave without another episode of Steve Sleeves because it's.

Just like, it's definitely lost some of its, you know, previous luster.

I don't get what happened, but rest assured, in the background, hard at work.

Okay, Art is being made. You're in a submarine.

Wait, wait, wait.

Sorry. What is it?

What is the name of Steve's Sleeves?

Normally you. You say it's got a name or something. All right, go on. If you want to start like that, we'll see where it goes.

You're in a submarine. It's dropping rapidly. The pressure's changing. You realize the pressure is unsustainable where it is right now. Someone has to do something. You have intimate knowledge of the valves, and you're going to have to toy with those valves to release the pressure.

What's going on here?

We're going to play pressure release.

Okay.

So you're going to twist some valves and release the pressure in this submarine so that we can get this baby back on track.

As a claustrophobic, I don't know why you would come up with this terrifying analogy.

I am facing my demons.

Right, go on then.

So, okay, I'm gonna give you some scenarios and you're gonna tell me how you'd release the pressure.

Right?

I think, I think this will reveal itself as we play.

Yeah, I'm assuming I've made it sound more complex than it is, but perhaps yes. Okay. You're above 30 and you feel you need a degree to get your career going, and you feel very behind every one.

So you're above 30, you feel you need a degree.

You don't have a degree. And you're like, I am just like. I'm completely under pressure on my career here. I've I haven't built anything. I haven't got a degree. I need it.

Change the story. That is a change the story situation. You. You've told yourself a story that in order to have a career, you need a degree. And that is. That is absolutely not true. That.

And what if it is? What if you're like, I want to be a doctor.

Wasn't it like, we can go back to all of these amazing people who built amazing things, like, much later in their lives. Right. You know, you've got Anthony Bourdain. How old was he when he wrote Kitchen Confidentials?

Kitchen Confidential. He was in his 40s.

He didn't need a degree to write Chicken Confidential, though.

But the point is, is that you are not behind. And even if you're 30, even if you're 30 and you're going, I have to start from scratch. There are people who have started from scratch at much later phases of life. So if you really don't have a choice but to go back to, let's say medical school or law school in order to get that dream degree and that dream job, you will not be the first person to do that in your 30s, 40s, or even 50s. So again, this concept of ahead and behind is just kind of, I think, really counterproductive.

So what's happened here is Matt went to this pressure release valve on the submarine and started to try to work it, and then Audrey just came in and hip checked him out of the way and then released it herself.

Well, because she kind of went for a different valve.

Yeah, that's because Steven said, what if you need the degree? So in a world where you don't need the degree and you can go for a different career that's going to make you just as happy or pursue that career without a degree, then I agree with Matt. But in a world where you actually need it, then don't worry about it. You're 30.

Next time you are at karaoke, you have promised your partner that you'll sing because you have a history of bailing mid song. And it is infuriated them forever. They said, like, you've never finished karaoke song.

You've never finished or you've never bail.

You bail, your nerves get the better.

Of you, you run off, you bow in the middle of the song.

Yeah. And. And they are furious about it.

It's like a movie.

They're just like, you can't happen again. It's so embarrassing. So you're singing, you're singing at a full house in karaoke, the Song goes off, and the crowd eggs you on to just finish at acapella.

What.

What are you gonna do? Firstly, and your partner's looking at you, and the crowd are going, just finish it. Acapella. You're doing great.

Who is this partner that is so mad? Firstly, why does it always take until halfway through the song for you to be like, I can't do this? That's normally like, the cliche is that you get up there and no words come out, and within 10 seconds of the song playing, you leave. But apparently, what. You get to the middle of the song and during the bridge, you're like a car.

Challenging part of the.

That's where the trauma happens.

And this partner is. So is she. They're just like, you've got to get back up there. I've had enough.

Like, you've embarrassed me.

So embarrassed me. Where are they?

You've done it so many times, and you always promise, why are they going.

To a karaoke place with a full house? Go do it in a karaoke room together. I. Anyway, I. You okay? So the music's gone off. You're now being egged on to do it acapella.

Yeah.

The pressure valve is. There's. There's. Firstly, probably have a conversation with your partner and say, it's not appropriate for you to be so angry about this. But that's a conversation for later. For right now, I would say, you know what? I. This. I am putting in so much pressure on myself to get this right that I've taken it to some extreme that it never. I don't need to be a good singer. It's not my job. I. I don't need to treat this like an area of my life that demands excellence. I. I can just focus on doing it and enjoying it for its own sake. So take all the pressure off of yourself to be good at it. You're not getting paid. Someone said this to me in jiu jitsu when I was like, get. My ego was getting involved because I wanted to, like, win, you know, Every. Every single time I was doing it, I was, like, half frustrated. That wasn't making. And the person said to me, what? You know, that you're not getting paid to do this. This. That you do this for fun.

You're paying them.

Exactly. So don't. Don't go in with this feeling of, like, nerves, like, I've got to perform. You don't have to perform. You're doing this for fun. Remind yourself, I'm up here because I chose to come to a Karaoke bar and stand up and just sing a song. I'm not doing it because I'm getting paid to do it.

Or picture everyone in their underwear.

That's your answer to everything.

Yeah, I never really got that piece of advice. I don't know if you guys agree.

But I've never, I've never understood.

I'm like, why would that make me less nervous? It would make me 10 times more freaked out. And then I'd feel a bit like a pervert. And then I'd get self conscious that I. People think I'm looking, thinking about them naked.

Just imagine it's a sex party.

We didn't, you didn't do the, the sound. Thank you.

James Cameron has given a wink and a thumbs up as well.

Okay.

Oh, imagine if James Cameron listened to the podcast.

He will now. It's about submarines. Your family constantly pesters you about not being a relationship. You feel frustrated at being single, but your family's perspective makes, makes you really nervous when you try to date and you're going to bring someone home and they're going to be all like, oh, who are they? Are they the one?

Well, you're not dating for your family, you're dating for yourself. And I think it's really important to communicate if something is putting pressure on you consistently, it's really important to communicate that directly and compassionately toward to that person. Just saying, like, you know, I appreciate you guys want me to be happy, but every time you kind of ask me questions about it, it just makes me feel nervous and put under pressure and it makes me not want to share things. So can you just trust that I will come to you when I have news in that department? I'll be really excited to share it with you. I wanted something to be that I'm, I want this to be something I'm excited to share rather than something I feel the pressure to show up with like a, you know, a badge that I've somehow acquired. And I would have that conversation and then I would just remind myself that our families may be the most well intentioned people in the world, but they don't really understand necessarily what it's like today, what dating is like today. There's challenges. Your specific challenges are things you're struggling with. So don't take what they're thinking and what they're kind of desiring so much to heart and just focus on staying in your lane and just staying present with your experience of dating. And just remember that you're not dating for them. You're Dating for you.

And if you say all of that to them and they keep addressing your dating life in a really unhelpful way, tell them less. Just don't share as much of your dating life with them, and that won't be your fault. It will be theirs that you don't share as much with them. So don't feel you need to involve them at every stage of your dating life if they can't be supportive of it or if they can't engage with it in a way that's actually constructive.

You know, this just quickly. That's a really good point. And I just want to actually make that point across the board, not just with family, but with friendships as well. Like, your dating life actually should be something that's quite personal to you. And oftentimes we have the habit of kind of something happens in our life in that area, and we just like, over share with everybody who we care about, because either we're excited, or that's just a habit that we have, or it's a way of connecting with those people. But actually, I think encouraging ourselves to try and be a little bit more private in that area can only be a good thing, because what often happens is people feel more entitled to comment and more entitled to give you opinions and more entitled to ask questions, and more you share versus if you're actually a little bit more reserved on the subject. People don't feel like they necessarily are able to ask those questions, and then it kind of stops them from putting that, you know, maybe unintentioned pressure on you as well. So just being a little bit more private about your dating life, I think, is actually a piece of advice that a lot of us can benefit from.

Can I go back to the karaoke one? Well, I. I'm starting to think this relationship is not very nice. And if someone is getting angry at you because you're not finishing karaoke, maybe you're only up there in the first place because you feel like you've got to do it to make someone else happy. And I think one of the things that, like, one of the good parts about getting older is just realizing what you do and don't like. And maybe you just don't like doing karaoke. Maybe it's just not your thing. So when the music goes off, maybe instead of feeling you have anything to prove, you just go, I'm just going to not. I'm just going to sit down because the music's gone off. And also, I may be not going to do karaoke anymore because I don't like it. That's a liberating thing in life. What the ultimate pressure valve in life is getting to say I don't want to do this because I don't actually enjoy it. Instead of having to prove it to.

Someone that submarines just gently elevated and is bobbing, bobbing on the surface of the water now. Well, I think we've got to end it there with that. I don't top that.

That was another episode, in some ways the strangest beginning to any Steve Sleeves that's ever happened. Well, listen, thank you everyone for being here for this episode. Quick note, if you haven't already, I think a great pairing dare you know, a real delicious pairing with this episode would be casual to Committed, which is a free webinar that I hosted a masterclass on how to get a relationship from the early dating phase to actually having real commitment from someone in a relationship that's truly progressing. It's a great masterclass. It's free and you can watch it right now@getcommitment.com go check it out. Get commitment.com the reason I say it's a great pairing is because if this episode has made you want to treat your love life with not panic, but urgency, get very clear about what you want and be much more intentional. This masterclass is a wonderful place to start. Get Commitment.com is the link for that. And as always, we look forward to seeing you again next time in love life.

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