"It's Complicated..." No, It's Not.

Welcome back listeners to the Love Life podcast with your host Stephen Hussey, whom Is I and what's going on? What is going on in our love lives? Well, you know what I've learned? I've learned that no matter what the circumstances, no matter what's going on in the world, no matter how crazy things are out there, the problems that people face in their love life are the same. And what is scary is that people can go through crises, times when they realize how precious life is, times when they realize just how important it is to have someone they can trust, who's reliable, who has important enduring qualities, not just short-term qualities like they're fun, they're sexy, they're great to be around. They make me feel like I'm the only person in the world, but also, you know, rich, deep qualities like this is someone I could trust. This is someone who's going to be helpful when things are difficult, who's going to go through the tough times with me, who's going to be there when I'm feeling vulnerable, and who is going to actually want the same things that I want in the long term, like where we're going to live. the kind of lifestyle we want, how we're going to think about children and starting a family. And what I suppose should not still be shocking, having done this with my brother Matthew for 10 years, but still is in many ways, is the fact that people are willing to excuse and overlook and overcomplicate Issues that should be very, very simple. Where they should just say no, where they should just say enough, where they should just say thanks very much, I'm out. And yet we make it so complex in our minds like it's this big puzzle we have to solve when sometimes the answer is very clean and simple. It might not be easy to do, but it's staring us right in the face. right in the face and it takes some other perspective for us to realize that. And so to give you that other perspective right now, I want to jump over to Matthew and you're gonna hear some of his tough love responses to people who say it's complicated or my situation is different or this is why I can't just move on. So It's a bit of a tough one, it's a bit of a punchy one, but it's a message many people really, really need to hear and as always with Matthew it comes from a place of love and caring and wanting the best for you. So over to the big guy.

Yeah. I like intimacy. Yep, and he doesn't. He isn't really, like, touchy-feely.

Yes, in my mind that's like, Very important to me.

So then why are you with that person? Are we together or are we not together? Now you leave. Okay. Didn't hear that, sorry. He's not in jail and he needs to break out in order to be with you. Yeah. One of you can move, both of you are deciding not to. There is something we call in my organization the one-day wager. That's making the wager that one day someone's gonna change, someone's gonna be different. They're all of a sudden gonna wake up and give you what you want. They say they don't want kids, but they're going to. They say they don't want marriage, but they'll change. And I make a wager on that. It is the most dangerous wager you can make. He has said he wants to be with me, but he's- you- just said he didn't want to be with you. I know. They're bloody complicated, man. I don't know. They're bloody complicated at all. You're telling yourself it's perfect. It's pretty far from fucking perfect. And he's not moving for you either. So you've got two people who apparently are perfect for each other. Neither one of them is willing to move for the other one. How perfect can it be? We minimize these things because we want to make the thing work. We minimize them like they're nothing. This thing you're convincing yourself of, that there's this happy thing that you're holding on to. It's not a happy thing you're holding on to. Why is he still hanging around? Because you're still hanging around. And too many people get left in a relationship where they're still convincing themselves, but he's the one. And what did I say before? If someone doesn't want you, they can't be the one. you're asking for closure and closure is overrated. You don't wanna be with me? That's closure. The rest is me torturing myself or still trying to find a strategy to get back in. You are better off going out and finding that person who's ready for what you want than you are staying in something with someone who I promise you, I promise you, does not value your time nearly as much as you do. If you've had an honest conversation and it's not improving and this person is just making you wrong for feeling that way, then you gotta go and find someone who it bits more easily. Your love life, the whole equation is time. We have a limited amount of time. What do we do with it? Who do we give it to? Who's going to get my precious, precious time? They could improve, they could get better, whatever. But why am I going to stake my time on that? Why am I here? What am I doing? There is someone out there who wants that thing. You could be alive for another 40 or 50 years. Every week you waste with someone who's not sure about with someone who's telling you, I don't love you as much as you love me. Every week you waste is a week you're not having with the right person. There is someone out there who you don't even know about right now, who's much better for you, who deserves you, who you deserve. You're depriving this person and yourself of time in that relationship. Later when you meet the right person, you're gonna wish you had more time with them. You're gonna wish you had 10 more, 20 more, 30 more, 40 more years with that person. You're gonna wish you had three lifetimes with the right person, but you're wasting precious time in this one lifetime you have with someone who's not sure.

I know for a fact that so many people listening will relate to some of those conversations Matt was having in that clip and how easy it feels in our more rational moments to realize the writing on the wall. to see why someone isn't right for us. But I also know how it sometimes takes that outside perspective to jolt us out of our stasis, out of our complacency. And that really is the enemy here. Complacency and a tendency that we humans have towards what is known as status quo bias. That is, we prefer whatever the situation is now to having to change it, to trying something different, to braving something new, even if the current status quo doesn't make us happy. You know, we invest in a relationship, we double down, we put time in and we think, well, there must be a way to fix this. Or maybe, you know, we make that wager Matt talks about that one day this person might be different and that's worth holding out for. And, you know, I've seen people realize, I've seen people go through that realization that they've been holding out and holding out for someone who will be more reliable, for someone who will want different things, or, you know, they think, well, I'm affectionate and he's not right now, but maybe I'll be okay with that in time. Maybe my feelings on this will change and it won't be such a big deal. and of course they're just hoping that that terrible doubt in the back of their mind is going to fade even though it's gnawing away at them. It's probably getting worse and worse and it becomes this pit in your stomach and you know you either ball it up and you become a walking sort of vessel for resentment and bitterness or you try and push it away and numb yourself and decide well I'm just gonna not feel anything in this relationship and I'm just gonna Carry on and pretend that things are okay and even though I don't have a lot of hope or faith left in this relationship and you know, these are terrible places to get to and I think it's on us to realize that our relationships are always you can always look at them as being on a chart and that chart can be slowly, slowly declining over time until we're in a place where we're totally unsatisfied, we're totally miserable, we've gone so far down this line that we don't know any different, or we can chart a new course. And that new course may be scary. It may initially cause us massive discomfort and unhappiness because we have to have a horrible conversation where we tell the truth to the person we're with, or we stand up for ourselves and we say no enough. I'm not doing this anymore. I'm taking decision for me now and that person will go, what are you doing? You're crazy. This is a mistake. Even though you know deep down that they are not going to change and the situation isn't. But of course they are addicted to comfort in their own way as well. So maybe they'll try and talk you back around, convince you. And even though you know it's not right, even though you know this person doesn't want the same things you do, you might think, well, again, it's comfortable and it becomes comfortable and comfortable until it isn't. And until one day you think, why did I spend so much time not taking the decision that would make me happy? Why did I allow myself to feel that for so long? I know when I've stayed in relationships for, you know, six months too long, I think to myself, why Why did it take me that amount of time to stand up for myself? What was I doing? Why was I trying to live in denial and bury those deep, deep fears and anxieties I have? Why didn't I speak about them? Why didn't I have a conversation earlier? And often it was because of protection, it was because of people pleasing, it was because of not having the confidence to strike out and say, this is behavior I don't want to put up with anymore. all these kinds of reasons, these are complex. It's not always simple. It doesn't always come down to one reductive reason. But the more we are truly honest with ourselves, the more we're self-aware and the more we allow ourselves to believe that we deserve something better, that we deserve something that fulfills our needs. And the more we think that we can be happy without the person, the more we can believe that we are happier on our own than we are with the wrong person. And I truly believe that we have true power then because we don't get addicted to staying with someone because we're so scared of what will happen. What if I'm out there looking and I don't find someone immediately? How am I gonna feel? What are people gonna say? The more we are fearless about that, then we don't have to put up with situations where people take us for granted, where we feel used, where people don't want what we want and they don't share our values. Have a brave conversation today if you need to have one. Watch how much better you feel after it. You might feel uncomfortable, it might feel scary, and then afterwards you're going to get that little hint that you stood up for your own integrity. You're going to get that hint. You're going to be telling your own brain, Hey, I'm doing the best for us. I'm taking care of us. And you're gonna get addicted to that feeling. You can get addicted to integrity and it can suddenly, every time, it becomes a default for you. It becomes natural. When someone isn't acting up to your standards, when your friend takes you for granted, when you feel used, when you feel like this person is toxic force in your life, you can walk away, you can say no, you can have a direct conversation and say, that isn't treatment I deserve. And you become very, very powerful and you realize you have control. You're not at the mercy of what someone else wants because you always have the resources to choose something better. Okay, I'm gonna leave you with that today. If you are right now back out there again, back out there dating, maybe you've had that difficult conversation and you're ready to find someone new. Go and get our free guide at 3SecretsToLove.com, especially if you've been trying to recover from heartbreak, you're trying to get over someone, you're trying to get back out there, go check that out. It's gonna get you started, it's gonna tell you the next steps you need to take. That's 3SecretsToLove.com Okie dokie. Well, I'm not gonna make this any more complicated than it needs to be and I am gonna bid you farewell and go and go and pump some iron, I guess, because Matt's back in England at the moment and he's doing a lot of weight lifting. And when he's back, he always wants to work out with me. He always wants us to spend brother time together. So he's like, hey, come do my workouts with me and my trainer. And that boy likes to lift a lot of dumbbells. So usually I'm doing a lot of running and stuff like that. And when I'm with Matt, I'm throwing weights around in the gym, being very manly, getting very sweaty, and that's what we're gonna go and do on this summer's day. Hope you take care of yourself whatever way you need to today, and I will see you real soon.

I see the blog sites, Ookie Wookie got a new wife, Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.