Jealousy, Relationship Sabotage, and the MOST Attractive Strategy for Dealing With Insecurities

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Visit regain.com/couplespod to get 10% off your first month. Regain Couples Therapy that Works. hello, lovely listener, and welcome to the first podcast of the rest of your life. I am Stephen Hussey, of course, and welcome to this episode. And hey, I've got a question for you. Have you ever had that moment where you get a flash of insecurity when you're dating someone or in a relationship, and you wonder, should I be honest right now and talk about this thing that is making me feel a bit needy or jealous or just in need of some reassurance? or if I say that, is it going to send them running a mile? Is it going to turn them off, heaven forbid? And should I just suck it up and deal with my stuff on my own? This is one of the issues that Matthew and I dive into in today's episode. And we also talk about the topic of comparison. If you have found yourself comparing yourself to your partner's exes or even just their imagined exes in your head or people they might potentially be attracted to. Lord knows there's a lot of opportunity to do this in today's world and Matt and I talk about some solutions so that you don't get stuck in this happiness sapping trap of constant comparison. Also, just before we begin, we have some very special news. We have officially announced the dates of our next virtual retreat. It is The first retreat of 2022, March 18th to the 20th. And as a special offer just for this month, so ending this month, November 30th, we are doing an early bird discount. So instead of the usual retreat price of $795, we are doing it this month for $595. So if you know that you wanna take your personal growth seriously, you know you wanna book something in for next year to work on your confidence. Maybe you feel stuck right now in your relationships or your goals and you're not really sure what direction you should be pointing in and you wanna figure out how to manage your emotions and your self-esteem and everything else, come and join us and you can do that@mhvirtualretreat.com and again, that 30% discount, that price of $595, it will end and go up after November 30th. So if you know you want to get on board now, go and lock in that price at mHVirtuallRetreat.com and we will all see you there with the whole team, me, my brother, my family, the wonderful Get the Guy team, and we'll have some fun and make some magic, which we do every time. All right, that is it from me. I will see you in the episode.

Welcome to another episode of Love Life with me, Matthew Hussey, and of course, my dear brother, Stephen Hussey. How are you today?

Brother, brother, hello. And we're in another undisclosed London location. Got my boy in the room with me. So I'm very excited. And you should be too, listeners.

I am, I'm ready for a big topic today. We had a video that came out in the last few days where I stressed that one of the red flags that can sneak up on us in a relationship or in an early dating situation with somebody is when we bring our feelings to the table about something and that person either shames us or makes us feel stupid or embarrassed for feeling that way. That if we're in a relationship where we can't bring our feelings to the table, then it's very difficult to truly be ourselves. We're walking on eggshells the whole time. But We've all been in that situation where we're afraid to bring something up. And we're afraid because we're worried that in some way our insecurity about something is going to harm the relationship or is going to give up our power, is going to hurt someone's perception of us. So, I wanted to really talk today about this subject, whether our insecurities are jeopardizing what could be a great relationship. And that might be because we're bringing them up once, or it might be that our insecurities are something that we keep bringing up over and over again, and we're afraid that they're starting to harm the relationship. Of course, there will be people in the opposite situation where their partner's insecurities are harming the relationship. We'll talk about it from both sides today. So that's going to be a big topic for today. We also have a smaller topic we want to just kick off with because I remember in the last episode we talked about social media and that idea that, you know, what do we do if our partner follows hot people? What do we do if our partner or the person we're dating keeps liking attractive people's photos and it's making us jealous? And so we did a poll on Instagram asking whether you're in a situation where the person you're dating has an attractive co-worker or ex or friend that you feel threatened by and it's making you anxious. So we're gonna talk about the results to that poll, which was super interesting.

So this is hot research, hot off the press.

Yeah, we haven't, I don't think we've, we've not really done many of these polls on Instagram, but we decided let's actually do a poll this time and see what people thought about it. So we have the results for that poll that we're gonna go into in just a moment. But Steve recently, Before we do that, we put the word out asking people to send in their voice notes on what they're thinking of the podcast. I mean, yes, we've been working harder on it, haven't we?

We have, and we've got some lovely, I mean, we've got wonderful emails coming in all the time. You can send yours podcast@matthewhussie.com and we read every single one. I even reply to some, but it is hard to get through them all because we get lots of very, very detailed ones. The shorter you keep it, the more likely it is we'll either read it on the show or you'll get a response. But I want to play that voice note so that we can actually hear from our listener Chelsea.

Hi Hussie Bros. I started listening to the podcast last year. It's hard to keep track of exactly how much time has passed given the time warp of COVID But I had gone through a pretty terrible breakup of four years at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020 and I was like, pretty devastated trying to figure out what to do with my life, how to approach dating again after so much time. And so I started really delving into a ton of podcasts and books and just anything related to relationships and I watched a ton of YouTube videos of Matthew and apparently it was successful because as of yesterday I am now engaged to a wonderful man. So thank you so much for all that you do and I will keep listening.

That's amazing.

I mean you can't ask for a better result than that. Just click us on over the pandemic, get a boyfriend at the end of it.

Well, engaged.

Engaged.

That's amazing. I, that, the, the cool thing is that you pulled that. I hadn't even listened to that before now. And, I mean, just congratulations, Chelsea. I'm so happy that we've been able to keep you company on this covid Journey over the last 18 months. And, and I'm really, really happy for you. I, I, and, and frankly, I'm just as happy that you've been able to heal from your breakup as I am that you have been able to get engaged. Because, you know, for so many people out there, being able to simply heal and be at peace again after a breakup is an extraordinarily beautiful thing. And I will say to anyone out there who is going through that right now, and not just a breakup of a long-term partner, but it could be a breakup. the feeling of a breakup that you get just when someone that you were excited about suddenly disappears off the radar. You know, you could be forget four years, you could be dating someone for four months and that person suddenly starts getting flaky on you or doesn't give you contact anymore. That person suddenly tells you that they're not interested in what you're interested in. And we can still sometimes grieve over those things as if it were a long-term breakup. the feelings can feel the same. If you're in that situation, we actually have a free guide called Move On Strong at www.moveonstrong.com so if you go to www.moveonstrong.com this is literally a guide that's designed to walk you through how to get through those feelings during a difficult time when you're struggling to get over someone and that's a completely free guide. So if you haven't got that yet, go to www.moveonstrong.com and download that. And thank you to Chelsea for sending that in.

Yeah, thank you. And, you know, speaking of other success stories, I remember I was walking down the street with you, Matt, in London town, and someone stopped you. And I consider this, you know, as much a success as getting engaged, but someone just stopped you and said, you got me out of a toxic relationship over the last year. and they were super happy about it and said thank you. And, you know, we consider that as much a success as someone who says, I got engaged. And, yeah, if you've done that as well, well done to you, because that's hard to do. And, yeah, that takes as much strength as it is.

And we've always said that we're as proud of the breakups we cause as we are the relationships, because the breakups, you could be with someone who's making you miserable. That person could be wasting your life. That person can be. you can be tortured over time and you can have no peace in your life. But if you can leave someone and leaving that person gives you peace, that's just as important as the person who writes in and says, I'm now married because of of your programs or your advice or your membership. So thank you, Chelsea. And if you want to send in your voice note to let us know something that you've gotten out of the podcast or a funny story or just something you want to tell me and Steve, send it to podcast@matthewhussy.com. .com. keep it short and sweet. Otherwise we won't be able to play it. But we do want to hear from you. And you can also write in as well. Steve, let's get to that first topic. This is our sort of. We're like an old movie showing. We've got an A topic and a B topic.

Okay.

All right. Double feature.

And you've been playing scientist here because essentially we have a researcher's dream audience here where we. We have an audience of a million Instagram followers.

1.1, Steve.

Probably 95% female. And you are throwing out questions to them now.

Well, yeah, and we put out this question. Is there someone who your partner or someone you're dating has in their life who is attractive and who makes you feel insecure or anxious or jealous? Which doesn't mean there's anything untoward going on. It just means that maybe they have a coworker that they go to work and see every day. Maybe it's an ex that they don't even speak to anymore, but you happen to have seen pictures of their ex on Instagram and that shit made you jealous. Or it may be, or it made you insecure. Or it may be a friend that they have where it's completely platonic, but that friend happens to be very attractive and you find yourself comparing yourself to him or her. Are you in a situation where that is ridding you of your peace? Where comparison with someone else is ridding you of your peace? 72% of our audience said yes, and I hate that feeling. So 72%, the vast majority of people said that there was someone in their partner's life, or I think we can say this is not just about having a long-term partner, but in early dating, there's someone who is making me feel anxious. Let's talk about this. And we won't spend long on this because I want to get to our big topic, which is also to do with anxiety and insecurity. But I want to talk about how comparison rids us of our peace and what we can do about it. What are your thoughts on this, Steve?

I mean, comparison definitely does rid you of your peace in all areas of life. And the thing is, what I've realized is it doesn't matter how successful or how much you improve yourself. Comparison is always possible. I think there's a myth people have where they think if I maxed out all the stats enough, and I was really happy with my looks, my money, my career, my success, everything else, then I wouldn't feel that anymore. And I've seen that that just isn't the case. People get what they thought they wanted yesterday, and then you can still compare. There's always people who have a bit more of something you would like, which is why I think reducing yourself to top Trump stats, basing your confidence on stats like my looks, like my height, my money, My job, my friends, that's the killer to me is when your self-esteem is wrapped up in your stats. It has to be looking at you as a complete person. If you're reducing people to these numbers, to these characteristics, you're always going to find ways to make yourself miserable, to torture yourself.

I 100% agree with that. Here's how I think about comparison and how I think we could get off of this comparing ourselves with other people that gives us fear about our partner leaving us for somebody else. Here's how we can deal with that fear. People don't fall in love with features. They fall in love with a package. I'm going to repeat that. People don't fall in love with features. they fall in love with a package. You are not a feature. You are a package. You are not how tall you are. You are not how clever you are. You are not how funny you are at a party. You are not how great your eyes are or how perfect your body is. And there will always be someone who beats you on any one of those things. Always, you will never be the best looking person in every room. You'll never be the funniest person at every dinner party. You'll never be the richest person in every room. You'll never be have the best body in every room.

You could have spent a year getting into the shape of your life and you'll still see someone who's got their shirt off on Instagram and you go, oh man, I don't look like that. Or you'll feel amazing in your body.

Or you'll be the person that is comparing yourself to someone who's really, really funny and you're not that funny.

Right.

You don't even have to be funny to feel insecure around someone who's even funnier. You could be someone who's just not that funny. And you go, oh my God, my partner is gonna fall for this person because they're super funny. Well, guess what? They're funnier than you. They're funnier than you. Or if you're a dude, guess what? That guy is taller than you. It just is. But that doesn't mean that the person you're with is leaving you for the person who's taller or the person who's funnier or the person who has more beautiful eyes. It doesn't mean any of those things. What it means is that person is more of that thing than you are. But that's a feature. You're a package. You are everything that you come as to your partner. Yeah. You're your personality, your looks, your ambition, your outlook on life, your history, all those little quirky things that they love about you, those idiosyncrasies that they notice about you that other people don't even know about. You're the conversations you have in the morning. You're the conversations you have at bedtime. You're the person who stepped up when they were having trouble with their mother, their father, their brother, their sister. You're the person who was there for them when they were sick that day. You're the person who supported them in that job promotion. You're the person who has been kind to them over time. You're the person who's got history with them, person who's got a story with them. You are all of these things. So when you see that picture of their ex or that colleague on Instagram, When you go to that party and they introduce you to their friend who you worry is, oh my God, super sexy. That person isn't everything you are to your partner or the person you're dating. Now look, if the person that you're dating decides that the package this person, this other person represents is something they want more than the package you present, then the person you're with wasn't for you anyway. that was never your person. You can't hold on to something that that isn't right for you.

Yeah.

So if they decide that somebody else, the package somebody else represents is more for them, then they should go be with that person. You can't protect yourself from that. But you don't have to worry that you're going to lose someone to a feature. And if you do lose someone to a feature, then the person you're with had no depth. Yeah, the person you're with didn't actually wasn't ever looking for a real relationship. They're looking for a feature. And someone who's looking for a feature will always pay the price for looking for feature.

Absolutely.

Someone who's looking for the best looking person in the room is going to pay the price for that. Someone who's looking for the person with the biggest bank account or looking for the person who just seems to be the most accomplished person in the room, they're always going to suffer. That's their torture that they're going to go through in life because they're going to pay the price for that. But someone who's looking for a real relationship isn't gonna, you're not going to lose them to a feature. you can only lose them to a package. And if you do lose them to a package, that wasn't the right person for you anyway.

I always think it's a really telling sign if someone says, oh, their new girlfriend isn't as good looking as their last girlfriend. And I always think that says something about how you see that person's value, whereas you're not seeing all the ways that their previous girlfriend might have been a total nightmare.

Yeah.

They might have caused all kinds of drama, frustration, resentment problems, but you're going, oh, but his old girlfriend was more attractive.

Yeah.

But it's like you are not seeing what they're seeing, which is they're seeing, like you say, a whole package. They're seeing everything that comes with that person. And if you are looking at people as like, that person was richer, that person was better looking, it's kind of a tell as to, how reductive you're being about people, about judging them. And there's this concept in Greek philosophy called amor fati, which I think about in this case, where it's called love your fate, as in like there's an idea like love your ups and downs and the difficult times and the good times. And if you can kind of fall in love with your full story, it's like a stoic principle in that, you don't curse yourself when certain things are difficult all the time or when you have shortcomings. You can kind of assimilate them all and, like, love your fate. And I think there's something in that with not comparing yourself with other people. Like, you need to love the things you've overcome, the difficult things you've had. You've done all these, you've got all this rich character, things that people haven't seen and battles you've won, internal battles, and. the more you love them, the less you worry about where you're stacking up on superficial features.

Well, that's extraordinarily beautiful and a wonderful point and can be extended to say the right person for you is going to be the one who falls in love with your story. That's going to be the right person. The person who doesn't fall in love with your story and all your ups and downs. is the wrong person for you, by definition. All right, before we move on, I want to talk to everyone very quickly about a very exciting announcement. We've got our virtual Retreat, which Stephen I think it's safe to say has become kind of one of the great headlines of our company. Yeah.

I mean, we've fallen in love, fallen in love with the virtual Retreat over since the pandemic.

It has become probably the most sought after experience in our company is happening again from March the 18th to the 20th, 2022. This is a huge announcement. We have had so many people waiting on the dates. We've had a waiting list of people who missed out on last one who have seen all of the wild things that happened on that program. There were surprises on that program, Steve, we didn't even tell anyone about. They weren't even things we used to get people excited about coming to the program. We just kept them a secret. And then we did them on the program. Special guests people never would have anticipated. Special moments, experiences alongside all of the life-changing content that people didn't even know about unless they came. and there are a lot of people that now learn about those things and they wish they had come to the last one. Yeah, well, you haven't missed your shot because you can come on March the 18th to the 20th, 2022. This is your chance not only to get in on this program, but to get in on an early bird special offer, which is a huge discount on the actual price of the program. The price is normally just under $800 for the program. We right now have an early Early Bird Special for the month of November. So only in November 2021, we have a price of $595 for the virtual retreat. So get in now on that Early Bird Special. And Steve, for me, you know, I truly believe that the reason to get in now is not just the price, but so that you can have something in your year next year that's already guaranteeing your growth.

Yeah.

And for anyone who doesn't know what this program does for people, it is a program that is designed to transform your confidence, transform your sense of happiness within yourself, your peace, your ability to manage your emotions, your day-to-day ups and downs. It's a program that recognizes the reality that life isn't always good, but we can always adapt if we know how. And that to me is what creates true confidence. is the ability to adapt how we manage our emotions, how we manage our circumstances, no matter what happens. It's a program that helps you achieve your goals on the outside as well as become the person you want to become on the inside in the process. So that virtual retreat is happening from the 18th to the 20th. Go to mHVirtuallretreat.com to go and find out about the special early bird discount that is only happening in November and put this date in your diary so that you can go and get that growth that you want next year. I also found Steve, and this is a very quick point, but once you have a thing like this in the calendar, it's not just what it does for you when you do it. It's what it does for your mindset in the lead up to it.

Yeah, absolutely. You and I are obsessive course takers as well. Like, I do a lot of online courses and things now, and I love booking them in for the next year and knowing, okay, these are the things I'm going to be doing for my personal growth, and I know they're coming up and I get in a state where I'm ready to actually attack that area.

I think it makes you, knowing you have that date in the diary, it makes you do more now. It makes you achieve things now and, and grow now because you want to be, you want to have a head start by the time you get to the program.

Absolutely.

So it's not just a way of guaranteeing your growth next year, it's a way of getting yourself moving now in anticipation of that event. So go to mHVirtuAlretreat.com and grab that early bird discount only happening in November. Steve, our main topic of this episode is are your insecurities Jeopardizing a potentially good relationship. Now, this came out of a video that we just released where I talked about people who bring, you know, we want to be with a partner. You were talking about red flags, right?

It was all about red flags, which.

Is a hot topic on the internet right now.

People are posting all those memes. What's a red flag? What's a warning sign? People are really looking out for those flags right now.

And we said, you know, one of the red flags is when we're in a relationship with somebody or we're seeing somebody who, when we bring something up that that is making us unhappy, they make us feel ashamed of it, or they make us feel embarrassed for even saying it, or they suddenly make us feel like we're not secure in the relationship because we've now brought this up. And the fear of that is, of course, what stops us bringing things up. We get very afraid if I bring this thing up, am I going to lose my power? And as I was watching that video back, in the last couple of days, I thought to myself, if I wanted to critique this video, if I was looking to say, well, actually, what Matthew Hussey is saying here is quite dangerous. Here's what I'd say. I'd say, yeah, but what about when you're with someone who keeps bringing this thing up that they're insecure about over and over again? and what they're bringing up isn't valid. What they're bringing up is, is, you know, for example, rooted in a jealousy that's not rational and they keep making my life hell over it. Is it really incumbent on me to continue to placate them, to continue to understand or show compassion at a certain point? Isn't it on them to stop bringing this to me? Because it's not a fair thing to bring to me.

Right.

And there are plenty of examples of this. You could have the example of, you know, a guy or a woman getting jealous when their partner goes out with their friends. And maybe it has nothing to do with whether that person's doing anything wrong. It's just that they have insecurity around that. Or maybe it's to do with, our partner working and we get insecure that they're not contacting us enough when they're working or that they're not, you know, our, our, we're not being reassured that they're still thinking about us. We feel like we're with someone who works very hard and we would like to be texting during the day and hearing from them, but we're not hearing from them. It might be.

I'm quite a bad during the day texter.

Right. Now, again, we fall into this situation where in a relationship, someone could call you out and say, I need that more from you. And you can say, but that's not me. So if someone kept bringing that up with you, at what point should they change versus you be understanding about it? So we have lots of different scenarios that this can take place in, but I'd love to talk kind of from both points of view. When you're with someone who keeps bringing up something that is unreasonable or that you think is unreasonable, at what point do you say, it's no longer on me to be understanding. You keep bringing up the same thing, which is unfounded or unfair or to do with your demons, not mine. I suppose in a way, what we're asking is, is there a point where Too much vulnerability can occur. Is there a point where vulnerability gets worn out?

Yeah.

I mean, that, and that's, it's tricky, right? Because you wanna, people see the ideal of a relationship as I can say what I really feel and maybe I do feel insecure a lot. And that's, that's the truth. of what I'm feeling right now. But you also know every time, like you say, if your default mode is I feel insecure, I feel threatened, you know that eventually will push someone away. They will be exhausted by that. And so is the answer that you look for someone as secure or insecure as you, or is it on you? to suck it up a bit and say, I've got to figure this shit out because this can't be nice for someone to always hear that I am feeling threatened or feeling, you know, they didn't text me for half an hour and I feel abandoned and scared.

And.

Who'S the onus on here? Because like you say, the vulnerability thing has been very emphasized and has probably been good to that. where it's been emphasized in the culture more. But when does vulnerability become like, you are just smothering me with your stuff and I don't need to deal with that all the time.

Well, I think that we have to start from the place of saying what a lot of people call vulnerability is not vulnerability. In other words, if I said to you, Steve, you don't text enough and, you know, it's because you're not thinking of me and because you are, you know, everything else is more important than me.

And.

And, you know, it's really hard to be in a relationship with someone who just isn't communicative. That's not vulnerability. What I've really done there is made you wrong about a lot of stuff. I've judged your level of communication. I've made an assertion, a statement that I'm not important to you and everything else in your life is more important to you.

Right, you've interpreted all my actions negatively and judged you.

Exactly. So, and done it from an angry place with a tone. This is not vulnerability. underneath all of that is vulnerability. But this is not vulnerability. This is brandishing our weapons. This is. I brought my weapons out here. I brought my weapons to the party. I didn't bring my. My wounds to the party. I didn't bring my vulnerability, because vulnerability would be actually telling you what I was feeling, how. How I was feeling, not necessarily judging you for your actions, but. explaining how I'm feeling and what I'm scared about or what's making me sad. In other words, vulnerability is about us. It's not about judging somebody else. Yeah, but let's that, you know, we have all sorts of programs that can help people with that, but let's just step out for a moment. Let's say someone is bringing it in a vulnerable way. Let's say someone is coming to you and saying, this is how it's making me feel, and I'm struggling, I'm sad, I'm upset.

Yeah, they're being honest about insecurities.

Yeah, let's say they are doing that. Well, there's still potentially a point at which that starts to wear thin in the video that we just released, which I would encourage everyone to go and check out. It's on all of our feeds or you can actually go and watch it on the blog on the brand new howtogeettheguy.com website, which we should say.

Give that click. Give that baby a click.

We have a brand new website for you to check out, howtogeettheguy.com, if you put forward slash blog, you'll go and see that video on the brand new blog. But in that video, I call this dumping. There's vulnerability and there's dumping. Vulnerability becomes dumping when we restate the same vulnerability over and over and over and over again without actually doing anything about it. So I don't just tell you, I'm not feeling sexy right now. I'm just going through a bit of a phase where I don't feel sexy. It's telling you that five times a day. and expecting you to make me feel better every single time I say it. Now, I'm not taking responsibility for my feelings. I'm making you responsible for my feelings. I'm saying it's your job to make me feel better every time I feel bad. That's no longer vulnerability. That's abdicating responsibility. I'm dumping my responsibility for how I feel onto you.

Yep.

And that's what starts to hurt relationships. What's up, guys? Before we go any further with the podcast, let me tell you about something real fast that you're gonna love. If you haven't got this yet, I want you to go download this right now. It's called the nine texts. It's a free guide that gives you nine very specific text messages that you can send to get more attraction with someone you like. It doesn't matter if you met them yesterday or if you've been seeing them for three months. You can send these messages to someone to create more attraction, to create momentum, and to move the whole thing forward because none of us want to get stuck texting, do we? But the way to not get stuck texting is to send better messages. Go to 9texts.com to download the guide absolutely free. Right now, that's nine texts.com Now back to the episode. Look, you raised an important point. Should we just find someone who kind of is the same as us in some way?

Like they're same level of confidence or lack of confidence.

Right. By the way, that doesn't, that doesn't really save us. All that means is we're both going to be complaining to each other about the same things all the time. It doesn't save us from having to deal with these issues. It just means I'm going to be bringing you a lot of these issues and you're going to be bringing me a lot of these issues. That doesn't cancel each other. They don't cancel each other out where you go, oh, well, we're both super insecure about this. So neither of us suffer. No, what it means is we're in a situation where both of us, you know, if it's jealousy, for example, it just means we're now in a relationship where both of us get really jealous all the time.

Or we're both scared that the other's gonna dump us.

Exactly. So that doesn't solve the problem. What I believe is not that we have to find someone who is, you know, you have to find out someone who's chilled out in all the ways you're chilled out, you know? find someone with all the same confidence as you. Of course that helps. Being with someone who has lots and lots of issues about lots of different things is, is more work than somebody who's figured out a lot already.

Yeah.

In their own.

It's just more comfortable in themselves and.

Exactly. But there's always in a relationship going to be things that come up and I I, but I'm a big believer in something coming up is important. When something comes up, it, the moment somebody expresses a vulnerability about something they're insecure about, something that's affected them, something that's worrying them, that can actually be a really beautiful moment, especially early on in a relationship, because it builds trust. Because you, you, what you're saying is Hey, I'm making, I'm, I'm sort of, I'm, I'm showing my neck first. You know what I mean? Like, I'm showing you that I can, I trust you with these feelings. And when I do that, it's like laying my weapons down. I'm inviting you to do the same.

Yeah.

So that, that not only breeds trust, it, it gives you a license.

Yeah.

To show your vulnerability.

And by the way, some people have been burnt doing that. which is why some people will be listening to this going, I've said it before and someone's shown they're really turned off by my insecurity.

Well, listen, that's why it's called vulnerability. It doesn't, it's, it's not vulnerability if you don't expose yourself in boxing. Every time you throw, you can't throw a punch in boxing without opening yourself up to a punch. This is very important. You cannot throw a punch without opening yourself up to, because every, if you stand there with your guard up all the time, then you're protected. But then you can't win. You can't win. Like you're not boxing.

Yeah.

Anytime you throw a punch, you expose yourself. You're making yourself vulnerable.

Right.

The same is true in a relationship. Any time you show a vulnerability, you are honest about your feelings, you are honest about who you are. You're exposing yourself.

But some people, specifically even men, might be like, I'm not doing that shit because I know what happens if I go and expose something I'm feeling and it gets rejected, that's a turn off for them. I've started a chain of events where they're gonna get less attracted, I'm on the back foot. Why would I even bother exposing myself? Why would I even bother being honest?

I think this is a really important subject to talk about with men in general because It is true. Men are told to be vulnerable. And, you know, I'm a big fan of Brene Brown and her work. But I think that it's, it's, it's a, there's an extra hurdle for men to overcome in that work. That I am being told that being vulnerable is a good thing. But I also am, I live in a world where sometimes I feel like being vulnerable is actually the opposite of what a woman wants. That if I am vulnerable, she's gonna find me less manly, less attractive, less in control, less bold, less confident, and she's gonna suddenly, I've devalued myself in relation to other men who seem infallible.

Yeah.

And he might be this confident guy in loads of areas, but he's like, I show chink in the armor.

Right.

I show a weakness here, it's going to get pounced on.

Now, the truth is, what that means is if someone pounces on your weakness in that way. Again, providing that weakness isn't your go to every day. That's what we'll come on to. But if you show vulnerability, which is not the same as even it doesn't necessarily mean showing weakness. It's just being honest about times where you don't feel, you know, as secure or when you're feeling something that has hurt you or some when you're feeling sad, you're struggling. If you show that to someone and they pounce or they leverage that against you, then you're not with an emotionally mature person in a relationship. You're not with an emotionally mature woman in a relationship if you do that. So you kind of, even as a man, you have to say, that's a, that's a big red flag. If the first time I show that I'm not this perfect superhero of a human being, this person can't handle that, then I'm with someone who's looking for a kind of man that doesn't exist. And that's a reflection on their lack of maturity and their lack of evolution because they've not actually understood, they still don't understand men. So let that person go and continue to look for someone who doesn't exist. This is not someone I want to be in a relationship with. But for men and women alike, repeating a vulnerability over and over and over again, this is what I think is, I suppose, the crux of what I want to get to with this episode. Repeating a vulnerability over time whilst not taking responsibility for improving it, that to me is what harms a relationship. initial vulnerability improves the right relationship. Repeated vulnerability over time with no progress, no movement can damage a good relationship. If you take the example, I don't know, of someone who. Who does get jealous. but they get jealous over irrational things. It's not that you're expecting that that person's going to work that out, and then one day they're never going to be jealous again. That's unrealistic. And in a way, you know, the right relationship, we should be more compassionate and understanding towards our partner. We shouldn't expect them to just whatever is the issue. They've just worked out completely and it never returns. That's not a realistic.

Yeah.

Thing to expect of someone. But in a team, and a relationship is a team of two people. In a team, you want to see your partner trying. You want to see the movement that this thing that, you know, you keep getting jealous of this time. Oh, but this time. you wanted to get jealous. And I saw that. I saw that you actually decided to.

To know.

You tried a different approach. Yeah. You tried a different approach. You didn't bring me that this time. I can see you trying. And trying might be, I'm out with my friends, and I know you're the.

You.

You get jealous. So I'm gonna shoot you a message in the middle of the night to tell you I'm thinking of you, or I'm gonna. you know, let you know how my night's going because I just know that that will put you at ease. That's my trying. Your trying is that you don't make me feel like I'm doing something wrong simply for spending time with friends or spending time away from you.

Yeah.

It doesn't mean you'll never get jealous again, but it means I can see you trying that to me builds relationships.

Yeah.

And what we have to ask ourselves, if you're in a relationship with someone who keeps bring, they're dumping, they're no longer being vulnerable. They're dumping. They keep bringing you the same thing over and over and over again with no progress. You have to start having a different standard for the progress you accept. You have to remind someone that this isn't about being them being perfect. Imperfect progress is still progress. But if there's no progress, then we have an issue because now you're not being a good teammate to me. And if you're the person who's dumping, and if when you're honest with yourself, you say, you know what? I'm no longer being vulnerable. I'm dumping. I keep bringing them the same thing over and over and over again. And with no different approach, with no Evolution, we.

We.

It doesn't mean we'll never argue about it. But are the arguments getting a little more sophisticated? are they an argument where it's has the echoes of the old issue, but it's, there's movement?

Yeah.

If I'm not having a different kind of argument about this, if it's always the same one, then I'm not taking responsibility for that movement. And I am going to eventually harm the relationship. It is gonna over time hurt the relationship if I don't improve this. I am, and, and this is a very important point, ladies and gentlemen out there. When you feel something as a reflex response, with our feelings, Steve, I'm a big believer. We don't choose our feelings. When you feel some, if you, if I say something right now and you feel something, you didn't choose that feeling, did you?

No.

You just felt it.

Yeah.

It was an immediate feeling you had as a result of something I said. We don't choose our feelings. but we are responsible for what we do with them.

Yeah, it's almost like that Daniel Kahneman thing of system one brain, system two brain. System one is the animal reactive thing, and in system two is the longer thinking.

Yes. And if you say you can, we're none of us are responsible for our reflex feelings, but if you abdicate responsibility for them, by dumping them on somebody else the whole time instead of improving your response to those feelings. You're not being a good team player. You're not being a good partner because you're choosing no, no progress over imperfect progress. And sooner or later, our partner is going to look at the kind of teammate they have.

Yeah.

And say, I don't know if this is the kind of teammate that I want in my life.

And good partners are not dumb. They, you know, if it's a good partner you have who is mature, people do tend to judge on the averages of things.

That's right.

They don't always judge on single isolated incidents. They notice the averages of your behavior.

Which is why, you know, Anne Lamott, a writer I love, she wrote, all truth is paradox. In other words, for every truth, there's a counter-truth. Is it true that being vulnerable should improve the right relationship? Yes. Is it also true that if you're just vulnerable in a relationship but without improvement ever that can harm your relationship? Yes. Both things can be true. But what we're looking for is to say, I want a relationship where I can be vulnerable without thinking that me being vulnerable the wrong way once is gonna make them dump me. But I also wanna make sure that the average of my actions over time paints a picture of someone who's good to be in a relationship with.

Yeah.

I wanna draw a line under that for today, 'cause I feel like we... That's an important subject. And please, please, please write in. Tell us what you thought of it. Tell us what it meant to you. Tell us what you learned from it. You can either tell us by audio, you know, by a voice note and put it in an email, to podcast@matthewhussie.com or you can write it and keep it short 200 words around that mark and let us know what you thought of this episode, what it meant to you. Please leave us a review on iTunes. It means a lot to us when you leave us a review. In fact, I'd love to read one of those right now. We have a review from LP who says, I first found Matt through TikTok embarrassing. Is it embarrassing to find me through Tick Tock? That was their words. What was I sandwiched in between a couple of dancers?

I like how it's an app with.

Like, two billion people and people are embarrassed. Still a bit. Yeah, it's still a bit of a guilty pleasure Tick Tock, isn't it? Then saw him again on a TV show with divorced women looking for love. I think, Steve, she's referring to the single wives, which can be watched on Netflix. I was immediately drawn to his Insight with the woman that was trying to get men to like her or approval without actually showing her real self. Interestingly, relevant to right now. I have this problem and learned a great deal of advice on being vulnerable and proud of me, even if flawed. I searched all avenues of Matt's advice and now going through all podcasts. All I can say is, yes, I have needed every piece of this podcast. I'm a happy person and never thought I needed therapy. I'm discovering you can be happy but enriched by being curious, and learning more and more. Thank you, Matt and Brother Steve. I have told all of my friends, shared certain episodes with people. It's my new love language. I absolutely adore what you said there, LP.

That's beautiful. Thank you. And I like being called Brother Steve as well, like a sort of monastic order.

Brother Stephen. I love what you said. You can be happy and still curious. You can be sad. and curious. You never need an excuse to be curious in life and want to learn more. And that's exactly what Stephen and I are like. I have been. I have stepped up on my retreat or on podcasts or on videos in moments in my life where I am going through a terrible time and I have stepped up and done what I do in moments where I'm extraordinarily happy. It doesn't make any difference to me. I'm all about learning in the best moments in my life and in the worst moments. and I'm glad that you feel the same way, LP. Thank you so much to everyone out there who is listening. Like I said, we'd love a review on iTunes if you get the chance. We do read every single one of them. Don't forget to go and check out that early bird offer for the virtual retreat. The link there is mhvirtualretreat.com. go check that out. It only available for this month, get in and spend an entire weekend with myself, Stephen, my family, and my team virtually from wherever you are in the world. I think we had 54 or so countries represented last time. So wherever you're coming to us from in the world, we've probably had someone from your location before. And if we haven't, well, we'd love to add yours to the list. We'll see you in the next episode. Thank you so much to Stephen.

Thank you, brother. Thank you, everyone.

Till next time. Thanks all. I see the vlog sites. Whoopie got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love beautiful. I'm looking for love.