Live Q&A - Know if They're Ready for Commitment, Should You Leave the door Open After a Breakup?

But I like my toys. I don't want to commit to my toys. I want to be able to get more toys. But I don't want you to take away my toys. All right, let's go. We're live. We don't get to do this all that often. So let's have some fun with this. Let's answer some questions. We have David and Vanessa who are gonna be picking some questions to answer. The theme of this month has been commitment in honour of the big event that we're doing on October the 22nd. If you're not signed up yet, go sign up now. Lovelifetraining.com is the link. It's completely free. It's happening on October the 22nd. and I'm so excited to be with you all. We're gonna be talking about what are the core principles that get you to a place where you're finding commitment in your life, not just casual relationships. If you're struggling to find commitment these days, this is for you. Come join us. But we're gonna do some questions today, so let's see. David, anything coming in nice and early that you're enjoying? If so, throw it up on the screen and all right, Casey says, Should there be more content creators focusing on educating men to be more reliable. Well, I have to say, firstly, I'm not aware of how many content creators there are or aren't who are doing that. So for all I know, there are a decent amount of content creators who are doing that. But I'm aware that over the years there have been many people who have said to me, Matthew, can you make videos geared towards men who won't commit or who are still emotionally unavailable or who are bringing all of their stuff, for want of a better word, to their love lives. And because of that, they're, you know, unhappy. They're causing other people a lot of pain. Can you please make more content for them? I. Firstly, I've always been of the view that if I want to serve women and actually increasingly these days, my content is more for everybody. I try to make it as universal as possible. There was a gay man walking down West Hollywood just the other day who bumped into me, lovely, lovely guy who said to me, you, stuff really, really helps me. Like it's really changed my life. And that was amazing for me. You know, I want more and more of that amongst everybody. So this is universal. But in the times where my mission has been to empower women, I've always felt that empowering women is the work I do is more valuable when I'm showing them how to control things that they can control rather than focusing on things they can't control, i.e. men or whoever they're trying to date. That being said, I do think that there's a spot for someone to talk eloquently with men in a way that might help them to shift in certain ways. I know that I was in need as a man. I still am in need as a man of other mentors who can help shift me in my perspective. And there was certainly a time in my love life where I was in real need of male mentors who could help me to maybe shift the way I thought about commitment or shift the way that I thought about really going all in in a relationship. And by the way, I don't even know if they needed to be male mentors. I think sometimes men, you know, us guys, we have chemistry with men who we feel like they get it, they understand our psychology, but it could come from anywhere. I mean, I think some of the most valuable lessons we can ever get come from women because they may have a perspective that we don't. And that perspective might be precisely the thing that we need, which for me was the case with Audrey. When Audrey came into my life, there perspectives that she brought to me that were exactly what I needed in my life in order to be happier and more peaceful and to really engage more fully in life. I look at the, I was thinking of this this morning, the movies as a guy that I have, you know, that made me tick have changed over time. Because I think as a guy, and I'm sure this is true for everybody, but I can speak for myself, as a guy, back when I feared commitment, back when I saw commitment in many ways as more of a negative thing than a positive thing, the movies I liked were different. The characters, or I should say more specifically, the characters I liked in movies. were different. You know, I used to. I remember seeing the original Guardians of the Galaxy and Star-Lord, you know, like Chris Pratt at the beginning of Guardians of the Galaxy, that just felt like that. That's how I want my life to be. I just remember seeing him, you know what? How does the movie open? It's just him dancing. Lone Ranger doing his own thing. He's got no ties anywhere. He wakes up in, I think, no, he goes back to his spaceship and there's just a person there that he hooked up with. It's like, I remember thinking to myself years ago, like, God, that's the life, isn't it? No ties, no commitments anywhere. You could just be Star-Lord roaming the galaxy. and doing your own thing. And there was such a-- I can't-- there was a visceral feeling of freedom that I got from watching that. It's gonna sound so silly to so many people, and I know for many of you, it's gonna sound incredibly juvenile, but when I first saw that film, I was in a stage of my life where that idea, that character, was kind of a representation to me of having no real responsibilities and no ties. And the irony of this is I've spent much of my life with an enormous amount of responsibility. Maybe in part, that's why I looked to that character as someone that represented a kind of bliss to me, was the idea of not having any of that. But that certainly carried over into my personal life, where I saw the idea of commitment as being something that was inherently scary. And the life of Star-Lord as being one that looked incredibly enjoyable and was worth living for as long as possible. And of course, that changed for me. And I now, when I think of like what I, I'm looking at Audrey over here as I say this, but when I think of like who, what character do I really think about as on my retreat, I would call this an emotional button. Like, Star-Lord in my single days was an emotional button for being single. But for me now, when I think about what character from a movie is an emotional button for me, I think of like the old man in Up. Like, there's something so beautiful to me about this man who's living in this house with his wife and, you know, she adjusts his tie every morning. I always think that's one of the most beautiful images. Such a simple image, so clever, the storytelling of that, the idea of her adjusting his tie, and then you just see every day, you know, a different tie being adjusted to symbolize the movement of time. But that idea of them building something together is much more exciting and beautiful to me than anything else these days. And don't get me wrong, I don't only relate to the old man in Up, but there's something about that that really resonates with me these days, just as powerfully as Star-Lord did back in my single days. And I think men get chastised a lot for not growing up, for you know, remaining Peter Pans for being somewhat juvenile or emotionally immature or unavailable in the way that they think, especially in relation to commitment and relationships. But for a lot of us guys, we, at the time that we feel those things, we don't necessarily know any better. We've not had great mentors in this area. We haven't had, you know, culture has, I think, done us a disservice by constantly propagandizing this notion of the most exciting thing that can happen to you as a man is for you to be Star-Lord, is for you to be James Bond, is for you to be this unattached, lovable rogue who has no connections, who is this rolling stone. and who hooks up as much as possible and feels as little as possible and escapes all of the traps that everyone else falls into. And so I think a lot of us guys, through no fault of our own, have grown up with a lot of associations that make us very unhappy because it's not just women who suffer from guys who are confused or don't know what they want or you know, keep chasing something that's never gonna make them happy. It's that men make themselves unhappy with that too, right? Men find consistently over their lives, many men, that they struggle to be happy. They struggle with their confusion. They feel like they're chasing some dream life, but even when they get a taste of it, it doesn't really make them happy. And so they feel like, There's something wrong with me. Like, I'm broken. And then they get depressed and they get anxious and they get scared. And we all know the stories when men get really down and really anxious and really scared, it doesn't, it's not a good long-term picture. So it's not, it's hard out there for women. It's also hard out there for men who are confused about what is going to make them happy. And I count myself as one of those men who for many years was very confused about what would make me happy and consistently chased what I think of now as the wrong things. Certainly the phrase my wife Audrey loves to use is chasing the right things and chasing the wrong things. But I spent many years, I think, chasing the wrong things. And there was a time in my life where it was more appropriate and it felt fun and whatever, but it got old. And when it got old, when it gets old, we find ourselves scrambling for what's going to make us happy and we haven't had the right people to help us in those areas. So that may be a very long-winded answer to what you asked, Casey, but I do think the reliability that you're talking about when you want, when you say you want men to be educated to be more reliable, I think part of the reliability you're talking about is it, it originates from men getting clear on what's really going to make them happy. And I'm a big believer in these days in the idea that commitment has the potential to make us far happier, that if we can find someone who represents the kind of human being that we want to align with and partner with and be a teammate with, and we can lean into that and commit to that person, to that path. Which, yes, means saying no to other paths. But if we can do that, we become more reliable simply because we realize that commitment is daily deposits in that relationship. Commitment is the little things that you do when you're in a relationship that make that person's life better. They do not get up as early as you do, so you bring them coffee. in the morning. You know, it's the ways they show up for you in times where you're anxious because they know you struggle with anxiety and they're there for you in those moments. Those little deposits are a form of reliability, but they come from someone having a big enough why in the beginning for why a relationship is important to them and why happiness lies in that direction and not in the direction of pure novelty and endless variety and superficial connections. I think there's a big difference between what I think of as passengers and deciders. A passenger is someone who is in their love life just showing up for an experience. You show up because it feels good, you're going on dates, and it's exciting, and there's chemistry, and there's lust and desire and newness, And so you show up for the experience. And when someone shows up purely for the experience, they're a passenger. What they want is to strap in to the backseat of their love life and be taken on a ride. And the problem is passengers are not what make relationships. Deciders are what make relationships. Someone saying, I am making a decision to commit to this person. And I'm going to continue to make that decision over time when I feel very strongly, when I don't feel very strongly, I'm going to continue to show up and commit. That's a decider. Someone makes a conscious decision that I'm going to show up. And again, that's where reliability comes from. But the danger is a lot of people look like deciders when they're only passengers. And the reason is because when a passenger is having an amazing experience, and because of that, they're putting a lot of energy into something because it feels exciting and new and fresh. A passenger can look a lot like a decider. So that's what happens when you get a few weeks in or a few months in, and all of a sudden it's like someone's interest disappeared out of nowhere. And you're like, what the hell happened? They were so invested for those few weeks or months. How did they just disappear? It's because They had never decided. They had never decided. They were only ever a passenger, but they looked like a decider when the experience they were having was so exciting and energizing to them that it naturally produced a lot of enthusiasm on their part. But they had never made a decision to truly be with you, to truly invest, to truly commit to seeing where it goes. So, passengers versus deciders. Deciders make relationships. Passengers make for exciting daters, but at some point their energy often falls off a cliff as soon as they no longer feel that natural emotion that goes with the early stages. Smita, is it in your book? It's a big aha moment. I actually, the passengers versus deciders thing is new. That's not in my book. But for anyone who does want to get my latest and greatest ideas on what actually, what you should do if you're looking for a committed relationship and how to approach dating in a way that creates more commitment, in other words, gets you out of the casual dating cycle and into a real relationship, that's what I'm going to be doing on the 22nd of October, which is just a week away now. It's a free event, but it's only happening once live and you can Sign up by going to lovelifetraining.com so make sure that you go and get yourself on that event. Sunsetlass says, I would love to take part. Then go to lovelifetraining.com and sign up Sunset. All right, let's do another question. David, what we got? Sylvia says, I've had amazing relationships for two to three years and I think I am ready for marriage. How does one know? Well, I can tell you from my experience, I do not know how everyone knows, but from my experience, it was the combination of having a feeling in my life like I was... I think it came from three things. One, recognizing that for me, being single, and dating different people didn't hold the allure that it once did and was actually far from making me happy, something that was making me more anxious. The second thing was I, so I had less positivity around, I'm not saying being single in the sense of being on my own, Right? I actually was better at being on my own than I'd ever been. So this wasn't a desire to escape being on my own. I was happier than ever on my own, but I wasn't. The idea of dating around constantly and, you know, always looking for, like, this next person around the corner, that had lost its appeal to me because I realized it had. It was. had not made me happy. It had made me more anxious. The second thing was I got very excited about the idea of building something like, oh, wouldn't it be fun to actually build with someone to not constantly go to a new relationship, a new person, and start all over again, but to actually build something that was deep and lasting and continued to get bigger with one person. That idea actually excited me. And then lastly, I met someone who was an incredible Builder. I met someone who I thought, I'm never. I thought to myself, I'm never going to find a better teammate. Like, this is the most incredible teammate in the world. And, yes, I had those things. You know, I had attraction and chemistry and. you know, we had the best time together and, you know, all of those things that are prerequisites for an amazing attraction were there. But on an even deeper level, I found someone that I thought I can see myself building with this person for the rest of my life. And that, to me, was the thing that made me feel ready for marriage. So I'm my Sylvia, my question, I would almost put it back on you and say, what makes you know you're ready? Those were the things that made me feel like I know that I'm ready for this. And I hadn't felt ready for it in previous times. What are the things that made you realize you know right now? Someone said, I saw a comment just rush by. Let's see. Someone said something like, but at some point you mentioned that Audrey had to do some convincing for you to want to commit. The truth is, Audrey never had to do any convincing. It wasn't Audrey's job to convince me of anything, nor is it your job to convince anyone of anything. But we can represent a an energy in someone's life that makes them realize, I've got this wrong, or, oh my God, I'm being an idiot. Like, this is like everything I could ever want is in front of me. There is an energy we can bring to the table. To me, it's like anything else in life. If someone came to me and said, Matthew, why should I watch your YouTube channel? Like, convince me. I wouldn't go into convince mode. I'm not gonna sell, I'm gonna try and sell someone who is bringing me all sorts of resistance about watching my YouTube channel or taking one of my courses or coming and joining me on the October the 22nd. I'm not gonna try to convince someone to do that. But what I can do is keep showing up in a way that if that person actually spends any real time with me, if that person sits and listens to what I'm saying, It becomes self-evident to that person that this is someone that I want to experience more of. And that's when we talk on the 22nd of October, I am not going to be showing you how to convince someone to commit. What I am going to show you is how to show up as an energy, as a character, as a force in someone's life in a way that makes them reassess what they think is valuable in the first place. And a powerful person can do that. You know this because in your life there have been people who have come along who have made you rethink things. Isn't that true? You came along with one idea, one preconception, one set of associations, and there was someone who came along who made you reevaluate what was important or how you were going about your life. because of their frame, because of their energy, because of the ways they spoke to you. That's the difference. And that's what we're going to be talking about on the 22nd. All right. What else do we have, David? Okay. Audrey's picked something. Moonchild says, I left a goodbye message because he's not stepping up. He's now confused if I'm cutting our communication. Should I say yes and have no contact for a while? but I don't really want to close the door for us. So here's my question to you. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm so sorry that you feel strongly for someone who is not stepping up. It's very easy to get lost in the surface level of, I want more from them, but they don't want more from me. What should I do next? And it's all very kind of sounds very strategic and tactical. But I want to connect for a moment to what you're actually feeling, which is really disappointment and pain that there's someone that you like or love, and that person, you're willing to give more to that person than they're willing to give to you. That is a very, very painful situation to be in, especially when you've decided that someone is really special to you, when it's a no-brainer for you. that you would want more with them. It's a no-brainer for you that you want a relationship with this person. That's like the easiest thing in the world for you. And from their side, it seems like the most difficult thing in the world. That is a really painful experience to go through. It's disappointing and it's its own kind of heartbreak. It's easy for me to want to be with you, and it's not easy for you to want to be with me. that's really painful. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're going through that. I want you to further see that the reason that you left the goodbye message is because you're in pain. You're in pain right now. It's painful to continue to give your love to someone. who isn't choosing you. And what happened was you got you ignored that pain for as long as you could. And then you got to a point where that pain became so real and so acute and so unignorable that you had to say goodbye to someone you didn't want to say goodbye to. That's how painful it got for you. you say he's now confused, right? Well, he was confused before. He was giving you, it sounds like from the way you're talking, he was giving you a lot of energy or he was giving you enough energy to keep remaining in your life, but he didn't want more with you. So there was already confusion on his part, right? I want you, but I don't want you. Now he's projecting that confusion onto you. Like, so are we. Are you cutting the communication? Are you really gonna cut me off completely? And that is. You almost have to imagine that that's like him saying, so you're really gonna take away. all of the things I enjoy. You're going to take away all of my toys. But I like my toys. I don't want to commit to my toys. I want to be able to get more toys. But I don't want you to take away my toys. I want you to imagine that that's his confusion. Right? It's like a It's almost like the confusion of a child. What you're doing right now is being the grown-up in the situation. You're being the adult in the room who is saying, I am not confused. I am very clear on what I want. I want a relationship. and until I experienced all of this confusion with you, I very much wanted a relationship with you. But it appears a relationship with you isn't possible. And since I have no control over making it possible with you, I have to do the only logical thing, which is to go in a new direction. That's what you're doing. So, I'm sorry you're confused, but I'm not confused. I know what I want. And you can't give me, it seems, what I want. And I only know that because you've told me that, and I have to take your word for it, if that's what you're telling me. Now, your fear, Moonchild, is that if you do that, if you actually stick to your guns and stop communicating with this person, your fear is that you're closing the door. But that door is already closed. I want to just say that again so that you hear it. That door that you're worried about closing is already closed. You're just pretending it's open by standing in front of the door and not walking away from it. The door is closed. He's told you the door is closed. So how are you closing the door by cutting off communication? if he came back a month later and said, I was an idiot, I. I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted. I do know what I want now. I want a relationship, and I'd love to give this a shot with you. Then that appears to be an open door, so you might try that open door. But until he comes to you with that open door, there's no conversation. The door is still closed. If he came back to you and said, Hey, I miss you, that's still not him opening the door. That's still the door's closed. I'm just trying to bring you back to the door. So, the door is closed. What I would like to turn your focus towards is the thousands of open doors that become available to you once you turn away from a closed door. In other words, you're focusing on one closed door when there are thousands and thousands of open doors out there waiting for you to walk through them. This is a failure of perspective. It's in fact a kind of madness that I'm going to focus on this door that's closed and tell myself it's open and that I don't want to close it. And I'm going to convince myself that by standing in front of the closed door, it somehow remains open. Instead of walking away, and recognizing that there are more open doors in the world than I could ever walk through in 10 lifetimes, in a hundred lifetimes, in a thousand lifetimes. So, am I going to waste the one real life that I have right now standing in front of a closed door pretending it's open? I feel like that's a good moment for us to pause. I think it's very easy to keep skipping over things, go to the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. But the reality is we need time sometimes for these things to actually sink in. If what I just said becomes the thought that you take with you for the rest of the day, that alone can be enough to change someone's life, whether it's a situation you're already in or whether it's a situation that you'll never tolerate again with someone that you're about to meet a week from now. If you are enjoying this kind of content, this is what we're going to be doing on the 22nd of October. I know so many of you are saying, please save this live. because it's helping. Well, this is just a fraction of what we're going to be doing together on the 22nd of October. So I'm going to say it one last time here. Go over to lovelifetraining.com and sign up. Whether you are struggling because you're single and you're never meeting anyone who is available for commitment, or whether you are currently seeing someone like Moonchild and you are in pain because it's not going the way that you want. this is going to help. And it's going to be not just mindset advice, it's going to be highly practical as well. So I really hope to see you there. I really hope that you don't message me a day later saying I missed it. And I'm so excited to spend that time with you on the 22nd of October and just make this available for everybody because I know it's going to help a lot, a lot, a lot of people. Thank you so much, everybody, for joining me here. It means a lot to me, and it really means a lot to me anytime you spend time with me live, because I know that your options on the internet are, practically speaking, infinite, and that there are so many ways you could spend your time. The fact that you choose to spend a little time with me is the greatest compliment that you can give me, and I always want to honor that by making that time valuable for you. So I can't wait to see you on the 22nd. Thank you all for joining me. Be well, love life, and I'll see you soon. Thank you, guys.