Love is Not a Transaction

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Welcome to Love Life. I'm your host, Matthew Hussey. Now here's a secret about men that most women don't realize. Men really want to feel manly around you. If you know how to make him feel like a man, he'll wanna be around you day and night. So how do you do this? I'm gonna give you my five most powerful phrases for making him feel manly around you. right after we get into today's topic. Welcome, everybody. This is Love Life. I am Matthew Hussey, and we have a caller whose name is Dana. Hi, Dana.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

Splendid. Did you have a question for us today? I would so love to hear it.

I do. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost eight years. And recently he has picked up a hobby and I feel like it's kind of taking over.

How recently?

Recently, within the past, I would say two years.

Okay. What's the hobby?

The hobby is fishing.

Okay. And what's the problem in the relationship? What do you feel like it's? it's creating?

I would say, you know, when he's not at work, all he wants to do is fish. So, you know, I get him to try to do some of the stuff that I'm interested in, but I feel like it just ends up in arguments.

And what are some of those things that you're interested in that you try and get him involved in?

Well, I mean, we have a dog that I like to take on hikes and walks and that sort of thing. And we also have a three-year-old daughter. who, you know, I like to take to the park and to meet new people.

Who you're interested in.

Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, he just seems really uninterested in all of that stuff, but, you know, can't get his mind off fishing.

Does he. Does he ever offer to take you with him?

He has. And. And that is something that I'm not interested in.

Ah. So you said no?

I say no, thank you. Yes.

So as a starting point, we kind of, you're both in a sort of standoff, aren't you?

Where he- I would say, yes, absolutely.

He's not quite interested in hiking with the dog and you're not quite interested in fishing.

Correct.

I'm guessing there's some built up resentment there that he's not taking the time to do those things.

Yes.

So now it's even harder for you to just say yes and go and have a good time fishing because you feel like it's not a two-way street. The problem is this gets very quickly into the territory of feeling like a transaction either way. Now, right now, you expect a different standard from him. The standard that you expect from him is for him to spend time with you, take time away from things that he wants to do in order to come and do things that you want to do. You want that standard of love from him, but unfortunately, you're not giving that standard of love right now. So, he's the one who's going to be standing there going, well, she's not doing it. And you're saying, well, he's not doing it. So now you're both in transaction mode again.

Yeah.

The only way to overcome an argument in a relationship, to overcome a recurring pattern in a relationship, is to break the cycle. Now, if you said to him, the next time he went fishing, you said, you know what? I really want to come. I really want to come. I don't know if I like fishing or not, but, you know, I'm open to being sold on it. I want you to show me what you love about it. And you went along and you went fishing with him and you tried it out. Now, going fishing with your guy once isn't going to fix a relationship, but consistently showing someone that you're prepared to love them and you're prepared to give to them regardless of what you get back, is something that can change a relationship. Or by the way, it can show you that the relationship isn't right. But right now, I would argue you can't actually see if the relationship isn't right because you're holding back as much as he is.

Okay.

Does that make sense?

It makes total sense.

The thing that allows you to determine whether a relationship is right or wrong is to give more to it. I know that sounds counterintuitive. But when people get scared, when people feel like they're about to get hurt, they withdraw. And withdrawing only hurts the relationship further. Instead, when you feel like, I'm not sure if this person is right for me, or I'm not sure if I can really get what I need out of this person, if you give more, you don't hurt yourself. You can't hurt yourself because it doesn't hurt to give. Right, if you just decide to give more love to him and make him a happier man and do more to show him that you love him, you've hurt no one, you've only helped someone. But at the end of the day, you might find that he still doesn't reciprocate based on the love that you're giving him. By the way, what have you lost? He's not doing that already.

Yeah, exactly.

So there's nothing for you to lose in this situation. You only have to gain. If, I would say, if after a three month period, this guy still doesn't give to you. If you find that he still doesn't give you enough, at that point, you can start thinking about whether this guy will give you enough. You know, is this someone who can give me what I need? Because right now, I'm giving this man everything and he's not reciprocating. And by the way, that's also the time when you can sit him down and have an honest conversation and say, listen, I am trying to give you the world because I love you. And I want to be there for you in the things that you love, and I don't want to take away from them. And I certainly don't want to stop you from doing the things you love because that that wouldn't be loving. That would be me trying to stop you doing something that makes you happy.

Yeah, right.

I don't want to do that. But I want to give you everything that I can possibly give you, but I need the same from you. You know, just as just as I respect what you love doing and want to be involved, I need you on some level to do that with me. That's what being a team is. But you can't right now. Here's the here's the issue for you, Dana, right now, you can't have that conversation because all he's going to do is look at you and say, well, what are you doing?

Yep, I totally agree.

So next few months, give. That's the focus. Give. Okay? Don't keep a score chart of who's doing what and whether you're putting in more than him. That's not what a relationship is. Give. And if after a couple of months you find that this man can't match that standard even after expressing what you need, which of course you need to do, Not from a place of emotion, but from a place of just being an intelligent communicator. If after all that, he still can't give, then you have a real decision to make. But I don't think it's fair to either of you for you to do that right now without having done what we've just talked about.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

That makes sense.

It totally makes sense. It wouldn't be. Absolutely. You know, it's just giving no actions.

So the hardest part.

Yep, no kidding.

Well, I'm behind you. We're a team, just as you and your man are a team, we're a team. And you've got my love and support all the way. I'll be thinking of you, all right? So go make it happen. I'm proud of you for even being the type of person that calls in and raises awareness for this type of issue, not just for yourself, but for other women. So everyone owes you a thank you for that.

All right, thank you so much.

All right, Dana, take care of yourself. I'll speak to you soon.

Yep, you too. Bye-bye.

So we started off today talking about the power of making a man feel manly around you. But how do you do this? It can be challenging to strike the balance so that you don't sound patronizing when you do this, which is why I've carefully crafted Here are five perfect phrases that you can say to any man that will make him feel like his best self around you. To download these five phrases, just go to lovelifepodcast.com/compliments.