Matthew Hussey

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It's been a long time.

I saw him walk down the hall. They should get him in here. Oh, there he is. Hi, Matthew.

That was a fast walk down the hall.

Welcome back to the show.

It's so nice to be back again. It's been literally years.

It really has. I mean, the pandemic kind of effed everything up, didn't it?

It really did. It really did.

Did you ever get Covid?

Twice? I think.

You want it again?

No, the first time was fine. The Second time was bad, so, you.

Know, I coughed so hard I broke a rib. I kid you not.

My God.

I know. It's true. It's a real thing. I'm so glad you're here. We can talk about disease.

Yeah, let's get into that again.

Congratulations. I hear that you are getting married.

I am. In October. Yeah.

Does she know this?

She knows. She knows. As of January last year, I think I proposed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's been. It's been kind of a trippy experience for me. I bet it.

It would be. Here's my question. I'm sure a lot of people are thinking this. We've always had you on our show as a person who helps us maneuver through and around relationships. But when you're. Who helps you? Because relationships, they're not easy for anyone. Relationships are a lot of work. Are you actually learning more material for your speeches? I mean, by being in a real life with a wonderful person?

I think I feel like the. The stuff I've been talking about for a long time has been like a really great pair of shoes that were too big for me for a long time, and they, you know, they were still a great pair of shoes. Everything I said was true, and I believed in it wholeheartedly. But I'm still a person who's going through phases of life, and so I think that I've grown into a lot of the things that I've been saying for a long time.

Do you now. Now that you're in. Finally in a great relationship with someone who's really wonderful, do you sort of go, do you rethink some things that you thought were true earlier? And then you're like, God, that was a bunch of bs. What was I trying to. I mean, really, you're learning. You're learning through being in a real relationship.

That's a good question. You know, I think one of the. One of the big things that I continue to learn in every area of my life is that if you live for the spikes in life, you're. You're in trouble. You know, if you. If you're always waiting for the next rush of some kind, and if you're living for that, whether it's with food or alcohol or porn, porn saying for a friend, relationships, you know, fun, kind of exciting, wild. Like those encounters, like it's. You're living for this. Like you're living to be at a level 11, but then we all know you drop down to like a four, and then you kind of are waiting for that next fix. And I Think that's true of everything in life. And I've. For me, what's beautiful about the relationship I'm in, it's a passionate relationship. It's exciting, but it's not about the spikes anymore. It's about a level of peace that I'm so grateful for in my life because I've been in relationships where I didn't have peace, where I was anxious all the time, where I was miserable, but saying I was happy and I just was. It was hell.

Now, does she ever say to you, yeah, this is a bunch of bollocks, Matthew. We did not believe. Anything's coming out of your mouth. Forget it.

Does she, you know, does she ever say that when I'm giving advice?

Yes. I'll go ahead and say yes for that. I love that we can talk about her as if she's not here.

Yeah, right.

Hey, but wait a minute. Getting back to the spike thing, this is a conversation we had on our show several weeks ago.

Yes.

And, you know, science is telling us more and more and more that as we reach for these levels of pleasure, we're really kind of screwing ourselves a little bit.

Yeah, we're killing our dopamine because everything is so instant, and we can get gratified immediately, whether it's likes online or watching a TV show from start to finish that you love. We've really started to fry these dopamine receptors, and that applies to everything in your life, including a relationship.

It's so, so true. And I've. I look at the areas of my life where that's true these days, and I try to, like, I delete Instagram when I'm not using it. This is.

Oh, yeah, you dropped all of us.

Oh, here we go again.

We nearly got through five minutes.

We'll get to that in a minute. But no, no, you're right. For you, Instagram is like. It's like instant, you know, scrolling and seeing things like food, porn, and, you know, whatever you. You know, I'm sure you followed some nasty. Nasty.

I just realized I never came away from Instagram feeling better. I always came away feeling worse.

You know what? That's a. That's interesting. I only look at puppies and Italian food and guys with their shirts on. Squirrels and squirrel. Rid of squirrels. That's it.

Even. But even the stuff like that, that's just. I find myself looking at and going, well, this is all innocent. I still. It just is like this. I realize I've been hijacked. And I'm an hour later, I'm like, what am I doing? Where am I right now?

True.

And. And at that point I just realized, oh, I have no control over this. And so I just. I delete it. And every time I need to post something, I re. Upload it. Post and then delete it again.

Yeah. You have a little game in your head.

Yeah, I can't do it. I can't trust myself with it.

Congratulations. You look. You look happier than I've ever seen you. Just saying.

Thank you. I really feel that. I really feel that.

I can tell. Let's make out.

Now's the time while she's in the room.

What's really great for me is she is. Audrey has no context for you.

Oh, her name is Audrey. I was trying to like.

No, no, no, you can. She was terrified that you were going to bring her on and you still might. I mean, I would never do.

I would never do that.

But she. She has no context for you whatsoever other than me saying how much I love you. So it's really fun to watch her fac. As she realizes in real time who you are.

Well, I'm so honored that you trusted us to bring beautiful Aubrey into our room.

I'm very surprised by it.

The only place I would trust.

I'm shocked. I'm shocked that you would have the audacity to expose her to something so awful as us. Hey, by the way, Matthew, I know people love to talk to you and ask you questions about what they're going through in life and maybe see what your take is. Feel free to call 800-242- and by the way, a free 90 minute live training called Dating with Results on February 15th for people who want to find love in 2023 but are sick and tired of dating. Dating is a whole new world now, isn't it?

Yeah.

If you want to register for free, go to datingwithresults.com I'll give you that address again in a little while. Now, why a 90 minute live training session called Dating with Results? Why? What. What's. What are you seeing out there that requires you to do this?

I. I'm seeing and I've seen this for years, but it hasn't gotten any better. Is people who really want one thing, they really want a relationship. They want to be intentional about their love life. They want to meet someone amazing and build with that person and then they do the exact opposite. Things like that will get them that. I mean, look, let me give you an example. I will. You joked about Audrey kind of saying, I like laughing at the advice the truth is she doesn't laugh at the advice, but she contributes to it with the things that she has done in the time that we've known each other. And one of the reasons that me and Audrey ended up together is because she didn't do those things. Like, for example, when in. Early in our relationship, I was. I was kind of the message, not her. I was the one who. I've. We met in London. I flew back to L. A, we'd had this amazing thing for a few weeks. We then met in New York, and that was wonderful for a few days. I then went back to L. A. And I did the classic thing of. I wasn't being intentional about it. I wasn't trying to take it somewhere and. And make it work as a relationship. I was like, I don't want to do the long distance thing. But I didn't stop reaching out to her. I would kind of casually. I would reach out every few days, increasingly with longer periods of time in between those texts, and say something inane like, I miss you or thinking of you.

Oh, you were breadcrumbing her. Yeah, yeah.

And she then sent me a message in response that said, I think I said, I miss you one of these times. And she said, I don't really know what to say when you send me a message like that. To be honest with you, it hasn't felt like we've been close for a while now. And rightly or wrongly, messages like this just come across like a bid for attention.

Yes. I love you for that. Yeah.

Well, okay. Fabulous.

And.

Well, no, no, hold on a second. What happened here? You were supposed to be in here giving us advice. I feel like we should hug you. I feel like we should get you drunk or stoned or do some blow or something. Something to lift you up. Ecstasy. I feel like we should go dancing. We didn't, like, lift up your spirit.

No, I. It was beautiful because it really put an end immediately to a pattern that could have persisted. And often between people does persist for a long time.

So, you know what you now can do, what you can now say with license is, hey, I see you are going through this. I was just going through the same thing, and here's what got me out of it.

Yeah.

I think this adds to your credibility because you're a real person talking about it here.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

You haven't helped anyone else except for yourself.

No, I. You know, for me, I think that. I think people have most. There are some truly bad people, and there are people that Just seem to have it all worked out and do the right things all the time. And then there's this huge swath of people in the middle.

Is that where we all are?

That's certainly where I was. Where you're sort of swing voter as far as, you know, good and bad is concerned. And I think you come across people who force you to raise your standard by the standards they have for themselves.

That's it. That's it. I am who I am because of who I am with you. And what a, what a beautiful thing to say about someone. What's that look you just side eyed Gandhi?

No.

Why are you guys side eyeing side eyeing each other?

No, I. So this is a question, I think for a lot of people who are dating, where is the line between being very honest and true and intentional with how you feel versus being a little thirsty and coming off as desperate by saying, and I'm not saying this about you, but I miss you too soon. Even if you mean it, you know, how do you walk that line anymore?

It's a dance. It's a game, right?

Seems like it.

I think you have to be. Well, I think you have to be honest with yourself first because we all feel things in early dating that are very intense, but it doesn't make it a good idea to say those things because you don't even know if they're real yet. Like we, we're all prone to that. I think. You know this term love bombing, that's big in dating now. This idea that someone comes along, they lavish you with praise and attention and all these big grand gestures and it makes you fall in love with them really fast because they're coming on so strong and it feels good that they're on that strong. But it's also, there's something a little suspect about it. And you have to be careful. And the reason you have to be careful is love bombing either on the extreme end of the spectrum suggests a kind of narcissism, but even on the benign end, it's someone with really poor impulse control.

Yes. And addictive personality.

I feel so seen.

I'm so triggered. Because that's me. Well, no, but you know what? Can we all. Just because we're living in a world.

Full of.

Static and fright and whatever. Sometimes we jump the gun. We go too fast, we say things just to try to reel them in.

Well, that's exactly right.

That's the problem.

We're so busy trying to get something that we don't think about what the consequences of that are. And we also forget that we don't know this person. You just had the most magical first date in the world, and you think so much of this person, and this could be it. And you've literally spent two hours with someone. You have no idea who they are. You don't know who they are. When someone in your family gets sick, you don't know who they are. When you show something that you're shameful about that you think someone's going to reject you for, you don't know. Like, you just don't know. Character can only be measured as the average of someone's actions over time. It cannot be gleaned from a couple of hours with someone.

Beautifully said.

Can I ask what you wrote back to that text message to her? Like, after she said that?

I saw. No, I don't. I can't say that there was anything I said that was as poetic and wonderful as what she said. I think I saw of sauntered off. And when I think.

Did you actually think about it, though? Did you give it thought?

Oh, it. But it stopped. It. Look, it didn't make me suddenly go, I must have a relationship with you right now. What it made me do is realize, oh, I can't do this with this person. And so I stopped that nonsense. Like, I was immediately just stopped in my tracks.

Good.

And I realized, if I go back to this person, it has to be with some intent, because this will not be tolerated here. Which is exactly what you want.

As we take a break, and we must. We'll be back with your questions. And we also have a live issue going on in Jacksonville, Florida, we have to get to in a second. I know that the story you just told is resonating with someone right now, and they're going, let me rethink how I'm communicating with this person. I owe it to them. But you owe it to yourself. You owe it to yourself to have solid intention and being aware of where you're going with this crazy conversation you're having, not only with them, but in your own head. Right.

And not exactly that. And not appropriating their excuse. I see this a lot. I. You know, when you hear someone, you see two people who are dating, and it could go either way around, but he may say to her, you know, I'm just in a stage of my life where I'm just. I'm just having fun, just seeing where it's going, just. And then when her friends ask her, how's it going with this guy that you're really excited about that you're seeing. She goes, you know, we're just having fun and seeing where it's going and just seeing. And it's like, oh, he's ventriloquizing her right now. Like, this is not her. She wouldn't say something like this normally, but she's appropriated his excuse because it's easier than feeling rejected that someone doesn't want the same things as you want, right?

Meanwhile, she's got a Pinterest board of their wedding at home. She bought the dress, by the way.

The word of the day is Venz. I've got to take a break. Calls on the way. More with with Matthew and you. If you want to call 800-242-0100. Text if you wish at 55100. By the way, the whole show really is just on a slippery slope to hell.

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The thing got what's running through these veins. Make way for the King. Elvis Duran in the morning show here with Matthew Hussey. Olivia, you've been in a relationship for seven months, and you ask us this question. Is it too early to tell my boyfriend that I love him? That's a hard one to answer because we don't know what you guys have been through. Olivia, how are you, by the way? You feeling good?

Hi.

Oh, my God.

I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I have to pull over on the side of the road.

Oh, please, no. You drive 80 miles an hour and pass out. That's what I do. Hey, say hi to Matthew and. And say hi to Olivia. Hello.

Hi. Olivia.

Hi there. Hi.

How are you?

Good. Good. I'm excited to talk to you.

So I've been dating my boyfriend for about seven months now. He's, like, super slow with the whole process. It took him, like, a while for him to be like, okay, you're my girlfriend. Which is, like, really silly. But I guess it's kind of what you were talking about before. Where's that line where you kind of, like, scare them off a little bit? When is it too early to tell somebody that you love them?

I think you almost have to start with what you want, Olivia. Like, what part of your. What stage of your life are you in? What are you looking for right now? What do you want to build?

I mean, a relationship where I have a partner and, you know, we're living together and taking all those next steps. I'm not looking for something casual, which he knows.

And. Can I ask, how old are you?

28.

28. So you want to start building something with someone that's an important thing to. For you to recognize straight away, because that's. There's therefore a culture that you want to create. And most of us go into our lives if we're not careful, if we haven't decided the culture we want for our lives, we just end up becoming part of the culture of whatever it is we come into contact with. A. Mitch Albom said, if you don't. So many people don't like the dating culture out there right now. There's a wonderful Mitch album line, which is, if you don't like the culture, you have to be brave enough to create your own. And so you're kind of. It's almost like you're. You're worried about the culture that he's bringing to the relationship, which is one of. I'm. I don't want to say we're in a relationship. I'm not someone who jumps into saying, I love you, and you're not worried enough about your own culture, which is. I'm actually looking to build something here. So I think you can say to this person, I look, I'm having an amazing time with you. I love that we're in a relationship. I want to feel like we are moving forward, and there's a progression here. It doesn't have to be all at once, but I want to feel like there's a progression, and I'm the kind of person that if I feel strongly, I want to say it. And there's, you know, I want to tell you I love you, but I'm also Feeling resistance from you on your side. Are you in a position where you feel comfortable saying that?

That is a very good point. And.

But what's stopping you from saying that, Olivia? That's what I'm curious about.

I guess it's just scaring him away and having him pull back because he's coming on too strong.

That right there, that's the issue, that fear seven months in, which is not a short amount of time. It's not. I'm not saying you have to be getting married right now, but it's not a short amount of time to know that you really feel that way about each other. So at that point, you have to be more worried about what your North Star is than scaring off the wrong person. Because the wrong person, by definition, is someone who doesn't have the same vision as you. Do you understand that? You can't. Someone can't have a different vision from you and be the right person. We have this misconception in life that if I really like someone, they're the right person. That's not true. You have to. Someone who's right is someone who actually shares your vision for what they want. They can't. This is why whenever someone says, someone got. Someone dumped me. Someone broke my heart, but they're the love of my life. They're not. You may feel you're in love with them, but you can't be in love at someone. And if they've decided they don't want you, then. Then not the love of your life. They just feel like that. You can be disappointed they weren't the one, but you can't grieve as if they were the one. Does that make sense? Olivia? You got to be less worried about scaring this person off and more worried about what you actually want. What's the culture I want? I want to relate. I'm Olivia, and I want a relationship where I can actually express myself. I want a relationship where I can actually say things that I say. I love you because I'm an affectionate person, because that's what I like. I want a relationship where I can walk down the street holding hands with you. Because I'm a tactile person. I'm not gonna continue to try to please someone all the time and pander to their culture if their culture makes them incompatible with me.

Preach.

Yes.

Louder for the people in the back.

And I think it's important, too. You know, you always say, not you, but in general, people say, don't get into a relationship with the intention to change Somebody. And also, don't change yourself too much to try and cater to a person who doesn't like you for who you are.

Olivia. You know, you call it wondering how to deal with this guy, now it's all about how you deal with you. Is that exactly what you think you should have heard? I could. I'll be honest. There's a lot of people, including myself, we should all be listening to this advice. It's very good advice. What do you think?

Yeah, I think all of that is completely true. But I think the problem is that I know that he feels the same way. I can feel it. He just doesn't say it because he's not. That he doesn't express his feelings verbally the way that I do. So it's not even so much that I'm trying to change him because I know that we're on the same page and I feel that we're on the same page. I just. I guess it's like I don't want to say it first. Does that make sense?

How long is that? How long are you going to be okay with that?

I don't know.

Is there a timer? Can you look at the calendar and tell me what date later this year are you going to say? Well, no, you know, I don't know. But you know, I think that the advice that in the conversation you just had with Matthew or from him, is actually very. It's really great advice. And we want all the great things for you, Olivia. Now you have to get off the phone and go figure it out for yourself. This is when the scary part starts. Right now. You ready? You can do it. You deserve. You deserve it. Always remember that. Okay?

Yes. Thank you so much. I think I'm just gonna say it. Thank you.

Thank you, Olivia. There you go. Good for you. By the way. And something I noticed about Matthew. You don't bite your nails anymore.

Why did you have to throw in anymore?

I didn't even know you used to bite your nails.

Really impressive.

Yeah, you used to bite your nails, but now they're nice and manicured.

Maybe it's cause I'm happier.

Maybe the anxiety is left you figured.

Out there's really not a lot of nutritional value in fingernails. Hey, froggy. Where's Lisa? Where's Lisa? I think she's at the appointment that caused said disagreement. What do you mean? Okay, what happened? I don't think Matthew should be helping a relationship when only one of you is here.

Definitely.

You know what? Cause actually I'm asking for help in this case. I'm not blaming Lisa. Okay, go. So what happened is yesterday Lisa told me she had a busy day today, and she did go down a list of things she had to do, and one of them was go to the doctor this morning. That's all I heard was she was going to the doctor this morning. So when she woke up, I just said, hey, I know you have a lot going on today. I know you got to go to the doctor. You got this or that. And she goes, what am I going to the doctor for? And I. And I didn't know. I had no idea. She did tell me, but I don't know. And so she's like, it bothers me when I tell you all the things I have to do, that you only take bits and pieces. And she's very right. I do. I only. I took Dr. Zoom call, and she had to take one of our dogs somewhere. I'm not listening for the details. How can I change that to where I hear more of what she's saying and process it, not just take the bits and pieces?

Such a good question. And it's funny because I'm literally looking at Audrey, who's giving me a look right now, as if to say, that's exactly you.

It is.

It's a lot of us, for sure. I think the things it brings to mind for me are, when is she saying all of these things to you? Because I think when someone says those things to us and we're kind of in the middle of something, it. We're not tuned into it. We're then multitasking, and we're not hearing everything that they're saying, so we're not intentional about listening. And they've kind of chosen a random moment to dump all of this information on us. And then it's frustration that if you. You know, it's almost the message is, if you love me more, you would hear everything that I'm saying. But I think a big part of it is almost like a strategy thing. It's. How can. Firstly, how can I show you that my not hearing everything you said has nothing to do with how much I love you?

Right.

We are different in that respect. Like, we are. You're detail oriented in this way, and I'm not. This is like, there's a lot of information there, and my brain captures the important parts or what it thinks is important and doesn't remember the rest. So I think decoupling the not hearing everything from being about love is important. But I think then on the other side, it's what I try to do, and I'm not. This is not me preaching, because I'm no expert here, and Audrey will tell you that. But what I try to do is say to Audrey, like, if I'm in the middle of an email or something and you start telling me things, I'm absolutely not going to hear what you have to say.

Then you don't love Audrey.

Well, well, well.

Hateful. Hateful.

But what I'll say is if I'll almost be more intentional about it and be like, okay, I'm gonna stop what I'm doing right now and listen to everything. But I'll also communicate to her, you know, if I'm in the middle of something, like, I need to be able to just focus on this, and then I'll sit and give you my full attention. So I try and just demarcate these things a little more.

Okay. When I got out of that, I wasn't listening. When I got out of that was truly at its foundation, at its core, it's, you know I love you, but I don't always hear everything you say. I'm not saying it's not important. It is important. Now, what is it you want me to know? And start over. I think you're good. Okay. She, you know, she puts up with a lot. With you.

Yeah.

No, no. As you do with her. Audrey. No, no, no. Yes. You all put. You're all putting up with a lot. What did you say? 21, right here. Hello, Tracy.

Hi. Hello, lady.

Well, hello, lady. Last time Matthew was here, he gave advice on ending a relationship. And you did. You said, this is some of the best advice you ever received from Matthew Hussey. Is this true?

Absolutely. Yes, it was definitely before.

Before Pandemic is what you said about.

Oh, hello.

Yeah. Yeah, your phone is messed up. Okay, go ahead.

Oh, hello. I didn't want that to happen.

Sorry.

So it was before the pandemic and the caller called in, and they were just pretty much ignoring the red flags the whole time. And then just the way that Matthew described it, it was just another way where I was ignoring the red flags in my relationship and legit. That night, I broke it up with my boyfriend. And it was the best advice. Yeah, there was sad, sad moments, but it was. It was great. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it.

Matthew Hussey breaking up relationships. Look at you, breaking up relationships.

I'm as happy when that happens as I am when someone finds love as a result of what I do, because that's it. Can be genuinely life saving when someone leaves the wrong relationship. You got your time back and that's the thing. You can never get back. So the. Tracy, what was the red flag that you could have ignored but at that point stopped ignoring?

Well, we were both. You could. I could tell he was unhappy and that was making me sad and unhappy. But we, I don't know, I just didn't want to like lose that connection. So that's where I just kept ignoring that he wasn't truly happy. And then finally I was like, you know what? You want to leave Wisconsin? Sorry, It's a fun state, but it's not fun for some people. And I was like, you can leave if this is really what you want. And he thought about it and was like, you know what I'm saying? I'm moving. I just don't want to live here anymore. And that's where we ended the relationship and that's how it ended. And we were together for five years.

So what a great moment that was for you and for him. Let's be honest. Good for you, Tracy. So where are you now?

Thank you.

In Wisconsin, of course. But other than that, where are you as far as relationships go, or does it matter?

I am in a new relationship. We've been together for a little over two years and it's a long distance relationship where he's way over the border, but I'm still in Wisconsin. And we see each other in person one or two times a week depending on our kids schedule. But otherwise we talk every day on FaceTime. We make it work and we're both actually really happy.

Good for you. By the way, Wisconsin just called and their new state motto is Wisconsin Fun for some people. Thank you, Tracy. Tracy, it's an awesome to speak with you and thank you. Thank you for doing the reach around with Matthew.

I think I have you on the phone. I'll be in New York in April. Any fun restaurants to go to? I'm kind of like, I booked Carmines or.

No, no, no, there's nothing Carmines. Of course, Carmine.

New York or city motto? New York, where there are really no fun restaurants. Carmine's is great. Go to Carmine's. Promise me you will. Okay.

Okay.

Thank you, Tracy. It's an honor to talk to you. There you go. By the way, February 15, the day after Valentine's Day, what an appropriate day for Matthew to do this live training called Dating with results. Finding love in 2023, the day after Valentine's Day and people will be crying at you.

Matthew, forget it.

But it's free.

That is true.

It's complimentary. The word free is cheap and tawdry. If you go to datingwithresults.com that's datingwithresults.com sign it up and you can get 80 minutes of this big hunk of man right here. Matthew Hussey. One more call and then on with our lives. Hello, Jen.

Hi, good morning.

Welcome to the show. You're. You're in the hot seat. Only 10 and a half million people listening. So let's get to it. I don't know why I said that. Jen's currently in a relationship. However. However early on in the relationship, your partner was deceitful, disrespectful and inappropriate, and he was quite a turd. But you went to counseling, but things don't seem to be improving. This is how many years in.

We're about two and a half years in quite a long time.

You don't trust him?

I don't. I don't know. I'm gonna say genuinely, no, we don't.

Need Matthew for this. Yeah. Let me just tell you, get out of there, get out of there.

But something's keeping, keeping you in, and that's what you need to kind of uncover. What do you think, Matthew?

Well, Jen, if you're honest with yourself, objectively, have the things that bothered you at that time, the traits that you saw in him that you didn't like, that were disrespectful, deceitful, has that genuinely changed or was there just a kind of. He was well behaved for a bit and now you're starting to see some of those things reemerging. Has there been a permanent change in the relationship?

Yes, it'll. It'll be good for a while and then it won't.

That's a problem. That's the problem.

Yeah.

Because you're it after you've been betrayed. The thing that has to change is the, the traits and the bet. You have to really believe that someone has had a shift in the way that they think and behave in the relationship. And, and that has to be something that is a permanent one. If you see it oscillating and you're like, well, this. He keeps going back to the same traits, then he hasn't. He's only changed to get his needs met. He hasn't changed because he genuinely believes in the changes he's making. You can't. If he's just changing that stuff to please you instead of realizing, oh, I don't like the person I was then, And I'm genuinely gonna do the work to change those things. Whether it's with a therapist, a coach, or by myself, I'm gonna do that work. Which, by the way, is really, really do. Change is. So there's a great quote by Jacob and Broad that's. Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll realize how foolish it is to think you can change somebody else. Even everyone woke up on January 1st. I would say 90% of people woke up thinking, I want to change something about my body. I want to go to a gym or train or do something. And those are people who are really motivated to do it. What percentage of those 90, 90% are still doing it now in February? Very few. And those are people who want to change. So when you now take a guy who's deceitful or inappropriate, if he hasn't fundamentally decided he wants to change, then he's never going to change. It won't be because you want him to. If he changes periodically, it's because he's not getting his needs met in the moments where you don't trust him. And he knows by temporarily making you trust him again, he's getting his needs met again. And then when you quiet down so that the changes he made revert back to his default.

So this is no longer about him. This is about Jen.

Yeah.

This is about you now.

Once her guard's not up anymore, he reverts right back to his old ways.

Does that bother you to hear that? In my opinion, anyway. And I'm. By no means am I professional. It's all about you now. Do you. You do realize that, right?

Yeah, absolutely. And that makes a lot of sense because I think I was really trying. You know, I tried for a while. And like I said, we did go to therapy, and the therapist actually terminated the sessions herself because she said, this is not going anywhere. So even. Yeah, even. That spoke volumes. But, no, I appreciate you, you know, walking me through that. And if you. It's good to hear it from someone else's perspective.

Yeah. I think you already know the answer. When someone you're paying to help you stops wanting your money, that's a fairly sure sign that they have decided there's something really wrong about that situation.

Hey, you know what I want you to think about as we roll on is I want you to look yourself in the mirror and start smiling and thinking about that moment that you're going to be totally free from this, and you're free to fly anywhere you want to hang out with anyone you want make any decisions you want to make. You don't have to worry about someone else. It's all about you. And then when you can get to that place, then you're free to go find that. Find remarkable love.

That's so true. And Jen, that the feeling I want you to remember if and when this ends, I want you to. That I want you to connect to the peace you're going to feel because you're going to feel heartbroken on some level and you're going to grieve the relationship. But what you will have in your life that you initially you won't connect with because you'll be too much in pain. Is that actually what you've got now is a real state of peace? Because you're no longer waking up every day with that anxiety or that fear that the other shoe is about to drop. And when you connect to how good that peace feels, that's a beautiful place to be.

Jen, thanks for your call. Best of luck to you and thanks for listening to us.

Thank you so much. I love you guys. Thanks for taking out.

We love you more. Thank you. No, thank you for calling. God. God, I wish I had that. I'm gonna go home and divorce Alex. I'm kind of. I'm excited about that moment. I'm free. You've talked me into leaving my marriage. You're the best.

Oh, boy.

I just hope I haven't talked Audrey into leaving ours.

Right. I'm sure once Audrey met her, she's pretty much done with you. Hey, listen, it's so great to see you again. I'll leave it at that. A free 90 minute live training with dating. It's called dating with results. It's February 15th, the day after Valentine's Day. Finding love is a very, very interesting, interesting challenge. If you're sick and tired of dating, maybe you need a perspective from someone like our friend Matthew Hussey. You can register now for free@datingwithresults.com it's so good to see you, my friend.

Thank you for having me. It's genuinely beautiful to see all of you.

There you go. I think I may go in the back and play with myself.

Solid way.

Audrey's face is in her hands right now.

Matthew Hussey. Just do a search. You'll learn much more about him. We gotta take the break. We're back after this. Hey, it's Nicki minaj.

What's up, Mr.

Kid Laroi.

This is Rihanna.

Hey, this is.

This is Lady Gaga. You're listening to Elvis Duran and the.

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Hi guys, I'm Andrea Gunning, host of Betrayal. I'm excited to bring you all Season four, A Story of a Cop and His Double Life. I wanted to let you know that you can get access to all episodes of betrayal season 1, 2, 3 and betrayal weekly and every single episode of Betrayal Season four ad free with an iheart True Crime subscription available exclusively on Apple Podcasts plus. You'll get access to all episodes of Betrayal Season four one week ahead of everyone else, available only to I Heart True Crime plus subscribers. So don't wait. Head to Apple Podcasts, search for I Heart True Crime plus and subscribe today.

I think everything that might have dropped.

In 95 has been labeled the golden years of Hip hop.

It's Black Music Month, and we need the Talk is tapping in. I'm Nyla Simone, breaking down lyrics, amplifying voices, and digging into the culture that shapes the soundtrack of our lives.

Like that's what's really important and that's what stands out, is that our music changes people's lives for the better.

Let's talk about the music that moves us to hear this and more on how music and culture collide. Listen to we need the Talk from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.