Men And Sex: What You Should Know

Well, hello, hello, settle in, snuggle up wherever you are. I am Stephen Hussey and this is another episode of, of course, the Love Life Podcast. And today's topic is going to be a return to one we talked about a couple of episodes ago, the subject of masculinity. If you remember a few episodes ago we had Matt talking about why men find it so difficult to open up emotionally and reveal their weaknesses or their vulnerabilities, especially when It can blow up in their face where they're judged by other men for being that way or by women on a date who have expectations of what a man should act like and all these expectations, how they weigh on men and make them emotionally guarded. And this conversation goes into masculinity from a different perspective and it's a conversation between Matt and Lewis Howes. Lewis is an international Speaker, he's a New York Times bestselling author. He has an international global podcast, the School of Greatness podcast with a huge listenership. So he's very accomplished. And they talk about Lewis's book, the Mask of Masculinity. And in this book, Lewis talks about the different masks that men wear all the time to cover up their insecurities. Their mask might be money, success. It might be their prowess with women. And that's what we talk about in this episode. So it's Matt and Lewis talking about how as men grow up, especially if they weren't successful sexually when they were younger or in their teenage years, which is a lot of men, and then they start getting female attention and maybe they get a little bit addicted to that attention. They think, wow, I've never had this before. And suddenly they start defining themselves by that level of attention. And we talk about how that affects them going forward in their dating lives. So it's very relevant stuff, super interesting. Dive into the male psyche. I'm going to hand over to Matt and Lewis now. Hope you enjoy the episode. I'll see you soon.

So I'm here with my man, Lewis Howes, the writer of the brand new book, the Mask of Masculinity. Thank you for coming, Louis.

Good to see you, man.

Your new book is so relevant to our audience because it is about understanding the male brain and the different masks that men wear when they are covering up their true, complex, authentic, emotional selves.

Yes. And when we can understand the masks that men are wearing, then we can actually connect to them at the deepest level and have more powerful, meaningful relationships. And that's what it's all about.

And in the book, you talk about nine different masks. And I'll let people go to the book to read all about those because I want you to understand and all of these. There's one in particular that I read, the Sexual Masque that I wanna talk about in today's video. You talk about something beginning in early adolescence in the way that men come to relate to sex and women. Tell us about that.

It depends what time we're talking about. If we're in school and the guys are always talking about their girls they're hooking up with, they become the cool guy. They become the guy that's like desired by the other guys. Guys want to hear the stories. It's like now you're accepted in the guy group. And the more stories you can tell us, the cooler you become. So you're telling, you're essentially saying, okay, the more I hook up with girls or have these stories that I can tell my guy friends, the more I'm accepted, the more I fit in. The more they think I'm a real man.

And so it feeds that, you know? So your ego becomes tied.

Absolutely.

To, whether it's sex or whether it's just being, you know, good with girls at that stage.

Oh, I got her to kiss me. I got this. I got her number. Whatever it is.

I remember the moment that I became, I was shy with girls from a young age, so that was always the case. But I remember the moment that shyness turned into genuine male insecurity.

When was that?

So in England, at least in the school I was in, you have like prep school, which for me was like seven till eleven. And you had like main school, where it was eleven till eighteen. And prep school in my school was all boys. So we didn't even think about girls. It wasn't even a thing. It was how good were you at football or whatever.

Math class or whatever.

Yeah, were you strong or whatever? It was this, that sort of. When we were about to go into the main school, where it was High school. High school. Yeah. Where it was girls and boys. I remember there was an open day where all the kids from my class went to see the high school. And so it was the first time we were walking around in this open day, had girls there too. And you saw the girls you were gonna be with the next year. And so the boys were like seeing the girls walking around and everything. And the next day we were back in our class in you know, the younger school, 'cause we hadn't left yet. And I remember a couple of the, like, cool kids in class saying they were making bets on who was gonna get with that, you know, they'd obviously picked out the hot one, the one that they thought was like, oh, she's the gem we're gonna talk to. A bunch of, you know, 10-year-olds making bets.

Crazy.

Who's gonna like, who's gonna get the number?

Get the kiss.

Whatever you get with men.

Get a kiss.

That age. I remember instantly thinking, Oh my God, this is a new, there's a new competition. And I didn't even, I wasn't even prepared for it. I just thought, oh my God, next year where there's gonna be girls. And should I be thinking about who I'm gonna get with? As a 10 year old, I'm now worried about what's happening here. And it wasn't even a worry. You know when something's not an insecurity to you, and then someone says it.

It becomes one.

You're like, wait, what?

You know, one of the reasons why men put on the sexual mask and feel the need to conquer for every woman that comes through their passing days, is because sometimes, it's not every guy that has this process, but sometimes the process is, I was in a relationship and the girl broke my heart. Never again am I going to fully give my heart to a woman, to feel vulnerable and intimate. I'm gonna let them desire me so much that they want me, but then I'm gonna let them go and I'm gonna leave before it gets too close. Why do they constantly say, come here and then push you away?

Yeah.

It's, there might be something underneath that that they were hurt in a relationship or hurt from their parents or hurt where they feel like when they gave their heart to someone, when they express themselves vulnerably, it wasn't received the way you express yourself. It wasn't received.

So do you think that's a different thing from, say, the kind of the ego driven thing where a guy is like, I need the next conquest and the next conquest and the next one. I think they're connected.

I think it could be a combination. I think there could be lots of different reasons why men feel that way. I think it could be to fit in, to be cool with other guys. They were hurt by a girl. They were abandoned or maybe they didn't feel the love when they were growing up. It's where they put their self-worth in general.

Well, and I think because a lot of guys have never achieved that self-worth, the dangerous thing that I think happens a lot in life, I see a kind of trend where There's a lot of men who don't get to a place where they really feel like they're getting attraction from women the way they like until their thirties, maybe older, until they made a little money, their business is starting to actually take off, they feel like they're in a secure position in their jobs, and all of a sudden, maybe because they've got a little more status and a little more confidence or whatever, they all of a sudden start getting some attention from women. And there's that feeling, that the ego that says, well, you know, the jock got this in high school. I never got this.

I deserve this now.

I deserve it now. And God forbid they be in a relationship already when they start to get that attention, or God forbid they've actually met a woman they really like, but they find out they can't bring themselves to commit, 'cause they're gonna miss out. I never had mine.

Yeah.

But I've been thinking about the sexual mask and how destructive it is for women who date men who are wearing the sexual mask. And ladies, you can tell this guy a mile off. This is the guy who constantly needs female attention and validation wherever he can get it. This is the guy who validates himself on how many sexual encounters or Adventures he's been on. This is the guy who constantly glorifies bachelor life, whose Idols are Don Draper and Leonardo DiCaprio from the Wolf Wall Street and not people who are in committed and meaningful relationships. You can spot this man, and I'm here to tell you it is not your job to remove a man's sexual mask, to change him. These things can start young. You know, we don't blame children for so many of the belief systems they take on. Many young boys grow up in a toxic environment where their worth as a man is linked to their ability to attract women. And not all of that is their fault. But as they become men, it is not your responsibility to change that belief system for them. The best way you can change the world, change men, and serve yourself at the same time is to say yes to emotionally mature men who know what they want and feel excited about the idea of a meaningful connection. That's how you can change the game. Because when you start saying yes to a more mature, healthy kind of a guy, The guy wearing the sexual mask will look at that example and say Ah, that's what she's attracted to. If I want her, I have to be more of that. But as long as you are ignoring this guy and saying yes to this guy, all he's learning is that this behaviour works. That it is rewarded. Say no to the wrong men quicker. Start giving your time to men who deserve it.

Thank you so much for joining as ever. I hope you enjoyed that conversation and you know I said this before in our last masculinity episode but I hope this helps us bridge a gap of understanding. I do believe knowledge is power in this area and the more we understand where each other come from, where our beliefs come from and how they develop, the less we see men or women as the irrational other and they're the crazy ones and we're not. I think all of that thinking is short-sighted and lacks empathy. So I think the more we build those bridges, the better off we're all gonna be. And to that end, of course, if you want to deep dive into this and really enjoyed this episode, you can of course pick up Lewis's book. It is available, the Mask of Masculinity. You can get it in physical retail bookstores, online bookstores, all those good places. And tell me your thoughts on this topic. You can email the show at podcast@matthewhussy.com, send me your thoughts on masculinity, this topic, your experiences with it. I would love to hear from you. I read all of your emails and I hope you are keeping well in this strange time we're in with COVID-19. I know it's stressful for people in different parts of the world. for the ones who are feeling it. I hope you're taking the necessary precautions and looking after yourself and your loved ones and staying in good health. And we will, of course, be here, rain or shine, on all the usual channels. So that is it from me today. Take care of yourself. Be well. See you soon.

I see the blog sites. Whoopie whoop. Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo. Yeah, love you. I'm looking.

For love.