Q&A Episode! Answering YOUR Dating Questions

And then underneath he seems to have posted some kind of picture of himself.

He needs to get in the bin. In the bin? What is that message?

Welcome to Love Life with me, Matthew Hussey and Audrey Hussey.

Hello. You said that's so funny.

Thank you.

So that was a compliment, but okay.

Doing a little bit of a different episode today. We're gonna read some listener questions and just comments that have been sent in to podcast@matthewhussey.com. .com every once in a while. We want to come along and do something a little different for you guys. So I'm not going to read the names of these just in case people, you know, don't want their names.

Yeah, for sure.

So this person will call her Amanda, says I'm in a relationship with a man I love dearly. Someone I met after doing your online retreat and reclaiming my confidence and finally being able to communicate my boundaries and standards. But this one thing has been a recurring issue. We've been together for four years, and from the start to now, I have had women after women message me that he was being unfaithful, sending me screenshots of their DMs. Up until now, I have been able to let it go by going off the logic that he defended himself with, that they are photoshopped. but my hope begins to fade. I remember watching an old YouTube clip of yours of you helping a woman through the limiting belief that all men cheat and how you reiterated not to go through their phone because if you had to, the relationship was already over or something like that. I don't exactly remember what I said, but I get the gist. And I've held myself to that standard the entire time. But at this point, When considering that this is the man I hope to marry, I can't help but wonder if I don't find out now, then it will be too late. When does it make sense to look through someone's phone? Because you know in your heart that's the only way you'll ever know the truth versus keep chugging along in the dark, hoping the secret never comes to the surface. Thank you so much with love and gratitude. Amanda.

Oh, I wasn't, I didn't know what this question was going to be, did I?

You don't, I've picked a few to read. You don't know any of them.

No, I didn't know that.

What's your instinct? I feel like- okay, I have, like rapid fire.

So my gut instinct is Occam's Razor.

Occam's Razor being?

Being, the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. And I think if multiple people are messaging you, It's probably the case that it's true.

To be clear, she says, We have been together for four years and from the start to now. So we're talking four years. I have had woman after woman, woman after woman message me that he was being unfaithful and sending screenshots of their DMs. So that is not one woman who has something against him or has some jealousy of your relationship who is like deranged and is trying to ruin a good thing that you have and is just when you imagine the orchestration that it would take for a whole network of women to get together and say, let's all lie, let's all Photoshop screenshots of him DMing us. so that we can ruin this relationship of yours.

Yeah.

It is so far-fetched I know.

It's so, it's so sad, though. I think what she needs to do and what I would do in that situation is I would say to him on a random, on an Idol Tuesday, I would say to him, babe, this has been really getting to me. It's been really on my mind. It's been bothering me. I know you say they're photoshopped, but can, can you show me your messages? if you have nothing to hide, I'm sorry, I will never ask you again if I don't find anything. If you show me and there's nothing, and I'll never ask you again. But can you show me your details? What if he's deleting all the messages? Well, I think that's step one.

Okay.

I think that's step one to uncovering it. I think if he willingly is like, here you go, have a look at everything and there's nothing, then I think it's step two, which is checking in with yourself and going, even though he has so quote unquote proven that there's nothing in there, as you say, they could be deleted, to the point you're making, what does my gut tell you, tell me on this if so many people have messaged? And I think that at that point you just have to go, even if it's a retroactive decision, you just have to go and confront him about it and say, I don't believe you. I know you've shown me no messages, but I don't believe you. Don't believe you. You could have deleted them. It's really weird that many people sent me this and reach back out, maybe to even to the people who messaged you and find out, ask more information. I don't know whether or not she bothered to have conversations with those women. and that's a really painful thing to do, by the way. Like, I think, like, having somebody message you saying, your boyfriend or your partner's been Unfaithful, and then having to kind of almost go back to the very person who they've been Unfaithful with and say, hey, can you give me more information? It's embarrassing. So I understand if she didn't even respond to those messages and was like, I'm taking his side. It's. It's a normal reaction, but I would almost be like, maybe these women are kind of. almost your allies in this moment, because if they've bothered to reach out to you, then you're more likely to get the truth from those people than you are from him at this stage. I'm so sorry that she's going through that. I'm really sorry if you're listening, I'm so sorry that that's happening to you. Really, to me, it doesn't feel good. And I just think confronting him head on when he's not expecting it so you can get the truth. And the truth is, if he's been getting away for four years, you've never gone through his phone. multiple women have messaged, you'll find something.

Amanda, I'm so sorry that you're going through that, but let me tell you what's more painful than the short term pain of actually confronting this situation is the long term pain of marrying someone who validates this concern years into marriage. This one is from someone else. Again, I will choose a different name, but Susan says, this person broke up with me in a ruthless way. and reappeared after two months with the following message. What does this mean? And why would he send me a photo of himself? Very bizarre.

What's the message?

Dear Susan, I am not sure if you will get this message, but I want you to know I am sorry for how things ended and how I made you feel at the end. I wish we could have one more heart-to-heart conversation over the phone or in person. One where I could let you know how much I respect, admire, and just think you are incredible. But no matter what, I wish you the best and know you are going to flourish in your career and life. And then underneath, I can't see the full photo, but there's a half a photo of like, he seems to have posted some kind of picture of himself.

He needs to get in the bin. In the bin. What is that message?

Truly.

What is that message?

I have to assume it is some kind of retroactive guilt for... What was with the picture? The picture's weird.

The picture is weird. But also it's like, I wish I could have one last phone call to tell you what a wonderful, what a good girl you are, Susan.

Yeah, nothing to do with like, I've had a change of heart, just... Oh.

I'm really sorry for the way I behaved. I was an absolute douchebag in the end who hurt your feelings because I broke up with you in a brutal way. This.

Screams to me, I... It is playing on my conscience the way I broke up with you. It is affecting me somehow. I still want to be liked. I still want to be thought of as a great guy. His social acuity is so bad that he thinks that this is gonna do the trick.

I think if I were you, Susan, I would see it as quite cringe, which should give you some nice fodder to get over him, because really it's kind of cringe and embarrassing and really weird and So I would just, every time I would be thinking, oh my God, like I'm upset he broke up with me and this and that. I just refer back to this weird message and just be like, oh my God, he's so cringe. Yeah, that's what I would do.

Sasha says, hi Matthew, Stephen, Audrey and team. I am a 31 year old female. I've been on dating apps for years and I have not yet found a connection with the raw materials that could lay the foundation for a healthy, committed partnership. I wanted to ask about something that piqued my curiosity. I'm noticing more and more men, typically ages 29 to 38, are writing something along the lines of, I'm looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously. What on earth does that mean? I'm assuming that even pondering this question automatically disqualifies me as someone who is too serious. So this isn't likely my pool of compatible people. But I'm simply curious to understand. For the most part, I've always assumed that seeing this on a profile was a telltale sign that the individual themselves likely wasn't looking for a serious relationship slash partner or was looking for someone low maintenance. But recently, I'm wondering if there's something different that can be taken away from this messaging. Is there any deeper intention behind someone soliciting a partner who doesn't take themselves too seriously? or is it best to just accept that at face value? Thanks for any thought and consideration. I appreciate the insight and perspective that you offer on so many levels of life and human behaviour. Thanks, Pickles. That was for Stephen, she says.

Aww.

So Sasha's, the men who put on their profile, I'm looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously.

Well, I didn't realise this was a phenomenon. Then lots of people did this.

I didn't either. It makes sense to me that people are putting it.

For me, it doesn't, I don't feel like it's that bad. It almost sounds to me like looking for someone who is a bit carefree and isn't going to kind of come into this with like a heavy energy, which obviously, you know, is a little bit, can have its so is your.

View that these men are coming off the back of, like, having met too many women who are bringing a very heavy energy to the dating process?

Do you get the sense that it's another way of saying somebody who isn't looking for anything serious, but without saying it, because they know it would instantly disqualify them?

Jeremy, what's your. I'm curious. What do. Why do you think men are putting. They want someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously on their profile. because.

Because it sounds like a guy who's been yelled at a lot.

Jeremy says this sounds like a guy who's been yelled at a lot. So he's like, you're. You think he's like, he. He's just had enough. And he's like, I just need someone more light-hearted yeah. I mean, it's a red flag.

It's a red flag.

You think it's a red flag? Seems like. It seems like women have, like, problems with things that. he's, he's done in the past.

And this is a guy who's, like.

In trouble with women. So your, your view is that he's, this is a red flag because it's a sign that he's been in trouble for things he's done in the past and he's over being in trouble for that.

He's just like, she's saying, she's saying, like, loads of men are doing it.

Is that loads of men? That makes sense.

Loads of men are just sick of being called out for the things they're doing wrong. Can I also say, just as a, as a side note, I don't really like it when people on their dating profiles are like, I am looking this. It's like, what the hell do you bring to the table? Do you know what I mean? Like, stop coming in, like, with all your demands and instead be like, here's what I bring.

Or don't some prompt you, don't they? They probably prompt you in the direction of saying what you're looking for. Maybe not.

Yeah, I know. I'm sure they do. But, like, the fact that that's your.

Answer, what I don't like about it, whether or not it's truly a kind of red flag, What I don't like about it is I read that in the negative as opposed to the positive. Like it's not someone saying, looking for someone, you know, playful and with a great sense of humor. It's looking for someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously. Like I can't help but read that with like a hint of edge.

Yeah, of course.

And so it doesn't, I think that the irony, Sasha, is that you can be someone who is approaching dating with nothing but fun and sincerity or a good attitude. And it's almost a it is kind of a line that I can see how that would throw you off because it means you're like you're starting from a place of going, am I taking myself too serious? It's like it's already got you in your head, Sasha, about whether you're taking yourself too seriously. So it's kind of, I do find it to be a comment with a little bit of edge. And I don't like the idea of like, not to get too deep into it, but I do, I don't love the idea of like people who are making themselves the arbiter of whether someone takes themselves too seriously or not.

But that's sort of the point I was making, is like going into dating apps being like, no crazy people, no this, no No, you know, like, it's fine to be like, I don't want someone who smokes because I hate smoking. Like, that's different. But if it's like, I'm looking for someone who's like this and who's not like that and who's it's just coming in making all these demands before you've even shown your own value. Like, all he's doing is just coming as a sneggy and then it's like.

Well, then you don't want to match with him because he's all like... I kind of think it's like a person who's a vegetarian instead of writing.

That they're a vegetarian, writing, looking, or no, I, Someone who doesn't like animals.

Yeah, exactly. Like someone who doesn't think that eating animals isn't immoral. Or it's like a meat eater who's looking for someone who doesn't cry over eating a steak. It's like instead of just being who you are, it's a little bit of edge around who other people are. Yeah, I think I'm sort of with you. I don't want to read too much into it because I don't know. But Sasha, I do get why this has got in your head, and I don't think I think you're wrong for detecting like a little bit of edge in that comment. I agree.

And I, it's kind of, for me, it's like in the beginning, I don't think it's like a red flag, don't match with him and never speak to him again, run away. And I don't think it necessarily suggests that he doesn't want or they don't, these men don't want a relationship. I think they're kind of separate, but it does sort of suggest something about.

That person's personality and character. Yeah. I think, Sasha, I'm with you. I might be a little put off by that comment. So, this was sent in who says, Dear Matthew and Audrey, thank you so much for your podcast. I hope you'll give my voice note a listen and see what you think about the idea of broadening your topics to reflect a wider range of minority dating experiences. So, I haven't heard this yet, but I'm curious about what he says.

Hi, Matthew and Audrey. First off, thank you so much for your podcast, which has been super helpful and informative to me. and I know to millions of other people. I'm calling today because even though your podcast has been incredibly enlightening to me, I've often felt like it doesn't reflect a lot of my life experiences or the life experiences of people like me. It seems to me like the vast majority of the podcast takes a very sort of heteronormative approach to dating. It assumes certain gender roles. It assumes that people are straight. And also it doesn't mention any other kind of sort of minority difference that might have impacts on people's dating experiences or relationship experiences. So I identify as a queer and transgender person, and I'm also someone with a physical disability that is not always visible. So there are certain kinds of challenges that I face in dating, that I would love to hear a podcast like yours talk about, and I really haven't seen them represented anywhere. Questions like when and how might you disclose your transgender status, or talk about your sexuality, or show up to a date with a disability if say your dating profile did not make that visible. Yeah, how do you navigate that? And how might that impact also your self-esteem, your tendency to get into certain kinds of relationships or difficulty with choosing better, healthier ones? I think there's a whole series of issues surrounding minority identity and queerness that your podcast could represent. And I would love to see you do that, maybe with guests who have some of those experiences or experts in those fields. 'Cause your podcast already has changed my life and I know it changes many people's lives for the better. Thank you so much.

I think that's a really good piece of feedback.

I love it.

Yeah. We should do that.

I wonder if I'm gonna say Danny for now. I wonder if Danny would be interested in maybe even joining us for a conversation.

Wow, yeah, that'd be so fun.

I have no idea if Danny, and I don't know Danny what your pronouns are, because I don't think you state them in the email. But I, Danny, if we could maybe have a conversation with you, it wouldn't even have to be you on video. It could just be audio. But maybe you could actually tell us about your experiences. You know, I don't think either myself or Audrey would claim in any way to be an expert on the kinds of issues that you might be facing. But I have always found in life that there is a universality to what we all go through and that while it feels like these situations are so different on the surface, that they have so many common things at their core. But that doesn't make me and Audrey experts in your particular challenges. It does make us people that would love to talk to you and to see if we can arrive at some principles together that could help a lot of people like you, not just yourself. So, Danny, if you're willing, we'll email you because Danny, obviously, you know Danny's not your real name, but we'll email you and we'll see if you're open to having that conversation. And even if you're not Danny, which would be totally understandable, if there is anyone out there who would love to have that conversation with us, then we would love to have that conversation. 'Cause we, you know, my history in doing this has been that I have been largely for a long time aiming this advice at women. But over time, it has grown and grown and grown to the point where now we have all genders listening to us. We have all sexual orientations. Everyone is listening to this at this point. So for us, firstly, it's a joy to know, Danny, that you're listening and you're enjoying our work. And it also would be a joy to create more work that's relevant to you. or that you feel speaks to your particular challenges. So I love that. Thank you for leaving us this voice note. I'm also going to check Danny with you that you're okay for us to play that voice note, because I want to make sure that you're okay for us to do that. But thank you. Keep sending us emails, podcast@matthewhussy.com We'd be excited to hear from you. And if you haven't already, go sign up to my brand new newsletter, the Three Relationships, which is a free newsletter that I'm releasing every Friday letting you know philosophies, principles, ideas, strategies that can help you in all three of the big relationships in your life. Your relationships with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. It's a newsletter I'm putting a lot of energy into. It will be, I promise you, a newsletter that you actually look forward to every week that's incredibly value driven. and you'll get it in your inbox this Friday if you sign up today. So go to thethree. That's the number three. The three relationships.com and you can sign up right now for free. Thank you everyone for listening today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Let us know if you enjoyed this format. Audrey, great wisdom as always. You really caught me off guard with some of these.

I wasn't expecting it. I feel like I was outraged for half the episode. Well, normally it's you catching me off guard.

That's true. So it's nice to you're a bit.

Better on the fly than I am.

No, you were great. But thank you all for listening. We will speak to you in the next episode of Love Life. Be well and love life.

Bye, everybody.