Q&A: Red Flags, Heartbreak, And Getting Closure

This is an ad by Regain Couples Therapy and features real testimonials. This was our first time trying therapy.

And honestly, it was long overdue.

Looking back, we just wish we had started sooner. Regain's qualified therapists help couples when they can't get there on their own.

We thought it was intimacy issues, but Andrea helped us uncover a deeper root cause we hadn't even realized was there.

Visit regain.com couplespod to get 10% off your first month couples therapy. That works. Foreign.

What'S up guys? Welcome back to the Love Life Podcast. We're going to be answering some listener questions today that have been sent into the Love Life Podcast. And you know, we're just, we're basically in the countdown now till the launch of the new podcast, which we're very excited about. It's going to keep the Love Life Podcast name so you won't have to search something new to find it. It is going to live where the podcast has been this whole time. And we are still going to keep the some of the old episodes that you have gotten used to each week, but there is going to be a new episode every week that we're very excited about. And in the meantime, we wanted to actually speak to some of the people that email us all the time and answer some questions before we get into it. If you have not already signed up for for the heartbreak event that I am doing on the 25th of February, now is the time. Go to lovelifetraining.com and sign up for free. We are going to be spending time together working through your heartbreak. Whether that heartbreak is fresh and it just happened, whether it's a heartbreak that is longstanding from someone that you still aren't able to get over. This is your chance to be coached by me live, to be given a blueprint, a roadmap for moving through your heartbreak so that you can heal, get closure and finally get through this difficult period. So come join us by going to lovelifetraining.com and I will send you the information as soon as you have signed up. Invite your friends, invite your family, invite anyone you know who is going through a hard time right now. I promise you, if you are experiencing heartbreak, this will be the most important hour you spend this year. That is on the 25th of February. You can access it from wherever you are in the world and you can join it by going to lovelifetraining.com into some questions Audrey Hussey before we get.

Into some questions, I have a question comment from somebody. They wrote you did a recent video about not putting one's dating life on hold and several great ones about not giving up. Except I already did A few years ago. I decided not to bother anymore with zero plan to ever try again. I think there's added difficulty with zero momentum to find the courage and activation energy energy to start all over. I would love your thoughts on how to un. Give up in 2025.

Well, I, I always think what is your alternative? You know, at a certain point you will want connection. At a certain point you'll want romantic connection. And it's okay to say now is not the right time for me or I'm just not, I'm not in a space where I want to go out there and date. But at a certain point dating is just life. It's not this, you know, we, we abstract it from life like it lives in this special category of its own. But the truth is, you know, at any point in your life you could go outside, walk, bump into someone that you found intriguing and that person could ask for your number and you could end up tomorrow with coffee with them. What would you say to yourself, I'm not going to do this because I have given up on dating. You wouldn't think like that. You would just go with the flow because it felt good. And you're like, well, see what happens here. This was an interesting person I bumped into. I'm not going to say no to coffee. So I sometimes think that the idea of giving up on dating is a little bit of an abstraction. That is a way of saying I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to put myself, myself out there or be vulnerable. So I'm just going to stop doing it altogether. But to me it's almost, you know what, it's a bit like the difference between writing and getting published. If you are a creative person and you enjoy writing, then you write regardless of whether you're going to get published. You may say at some point I am so sick of knocking on publishers doors trying to get this, my articles or my book published that I am just, I can't do it anymore. Or I need to take a break from going and cold calling publishers and getting rejected and my work getting ignored. But that wouldn't be the same thing as taking a break from writing. Writing is something you do because it's part of who you are. It's part of your creative, it's a creative vehicle for you that you can't just give up. And I think that your love life is the same way. You, there's still an energy about you that you can have when you go out into the world and you meet people and you say hi to people and you flirt. Sometimes you have a sexual energy, sometimes you. You can still bring that energy forward in the world and you never know where that will lead you. Whether or not you want to get on the dating apps right now is, you know, that's like knocking on publishers doors in a way. But you still. That part of you still wants to be expressed. And if you're even asking this question, then I know it wants to be expressed.

Okay, but yes, I agree with absolutely everything you said, but I'm just like in the listener's head and I reckon she might be going, fine, I will do that, Matthew, I'm doing what you do. You're like, okay, Matthew, but when I.

When I had a rebuttal to my own.

Yeah, exactly. So I'm doing that. Like, yes, Matthew, that's great and I agree with you, but there was actually a study and I need to dig out the article. I don't want to give an incorrect statistic, but the study said there's like a really high percentage of men that have never even asked a woman out. And so I think that's true. But what does that actually look like in practice? Because, like, you know, I don't know about you, but when I was single and I was out and about in the world, walking down the street, for instance, the guys who kind of like came up to me and tried to, you know, chat me up were not always the men I was attracted to or like, would necessarily give my number to. And so you might have an instance where someone does that, but, you know, then you have to like, the probability of you actually fancying them. And then, you know, if you're not on the apps and you're not really actively like, knocking on publishers doors, like, what does it look like to have that kind of an energy?

I think it looks like having an expansive life. So are you part of, like, if you look at your life, does it bring you into contact with new people? Are you doing any activities in your week that expose you to a group, for example, or is everything you do in a week a solo activity? Are you ever getting invited by friends to things that by going you would meet new people? And if the answer is no, it might be worth asking, have I got an active enough social life? Because one sign of an active social life is that you will get invited to places maybe not every week, but once or twice a month or every other Month, you might get invited to something, and by getting invited to that thing, you're exposed to new people. And then it's your responsibility while you're there to be sociable, even if that's something that scares you a little bit. Am I talking to people in this environment? It seems to me that those things are worth doing for their own sake. You and I are married, but we say yes to invites in case I meet someone better.

You always have to keep your options open. Guys, I just think that's.

That wasn't what I meant. And you know what? If I made that joke, I would be in trouble.

Oh, yeah.

Not with anyone out there. I'd be in trouble with you.

Yeah, very much so.

So there are certain things, apparently Audrey can say and I can't. So those things are things that you and I still do because we see it as valuable for its own sake. We like having friends. We like sometimes meeting new people. Not all the time, but we like. You know, we like having a life that feels rich in experiences and social interactions and connection. And so if we do that as a married couple, why wouldn't someone do that single? And why would someone who is single say, I don't want to do any of that stuff? It's just all like, oh, I have to do all of this stuff to meet someone. If people in relationships do it, then what's your excuse? Yeah, a lot of the time, our excuse is just. We're just deeply afraid of expanding our life or of getting out of our comfort zone or of getting out of our routine. My point with all of this is that when you. You don't have to necessarily, like, put out a statement and say, I'm ready to date again. You just have to. In a way, you just have to say, I'm. I'm ready to have experiences. I'm ready to open up my life to possibility. And that can come in so many different forms. It doesn't have to come today from going on a dating app. It can come from all of the things that I've just mentioned. And when someone says, I just have no interest in dating, I do think that that's appropriate for a time when you've been badly hurt, when you've come out of an abusive relationship, when you're really doing certain work on yourself that might get interrupted by dating someone. But at a certain point, it feels a little bit like avoiding life itself. And so I. I would say, if you're in 2025 saying, you know, how do I convince myself to get back out there. I don't think you need me to help you convince yourself. I think you're already thinking about the fact that you're lacking connection and you want more connection or you wouldn't even be asking the question.

I also think, you know, the fear of not of going back out there probably comes from a fear of getting hurt, a fear of feeling disappointed, a fear of rejection, a fear of all of those things. And I suppose I don't actually have this person's name. I. But I just want to say to them, you know, I think that all those things happen whenever you put yourself out there in any situation. You don't get anywhere. Exactly. You don't get anywhere in life without fearing those things happening. And. And actually, I think everything that you have in your life that's worth having tends to be hard won and tends to come with risk. If nothing else, the risk of loss, because anything worth having you can lose. And I do think that instead of putting so much pressure on dating, going a certain way, which is the thing that hurts us the most going out there, maybe with just a little bit of curiosity, you know, they said, how. How do I un. Give up? I think ungiving up looks like just dipping your toe back in in a way where you're not putting all this pressure and thinking, maybe I'll meet someone who will end up being a friend. Maybe I'll meet someone who will end up being an interesting person I conversation with. Maybe I'll just practice being on a date, which we all, you know, could use more practice on because we're all really awkward in real life.

You especially.

Yeah, me especially. Guys, this is a roast. Actually, it's not a podcast episode.

You started it.

To be fair, I know I'm saying a mutual roast, but yeah, I think that's. I think that's my advice I would give to un. Give up is just to not put so much pressure on it and just kind of see, like to your point, if you're asking that question, you probably already do want to give up to do you want to get back out there. So I think. I think that's what I would say. But I have a question which is outrageous. Okay, it's my next question. Do you want to hear it?

Yeah, of course I do.

Now Emma says I've been with someone for 11 months. Two weeks ago he went to the shop. I called him and he text to say he was waiting for a takeaway. Forty minutes later he texts me to say he wasn't coming home. He was sorry, but he was done. Since then, I've been in complete turmoil. He has made contact, but a lot of it revolves around his feelings. How can I move on with what feels like no closure and no explanation? I have three children whom he's also walked out on. And so how do I make sure his abandonment doesn't affect them? He is not their dad, but has five of his own children he has little. No contact with. Thank you so much for your amazing podcast, Emma. Outrageous. Who is this dude?

There's a lot going on there.

Do you want to know something that I think is a massive red flag that doesn't get talked about enough?

Whether his own kids won't talk to him.

Yeah. That he has kids. I. I know someone. Ish, like friend of a friend, distant person, though, who has had two children from two different mums and has no contact with either of them. And I just think that is such a red flag. Like, why. Why can't you take care of your own children? What is wrong with you?

It's a huge red flag. It's a huge red flag. He has five kids and he's not close to any of them.

Yeah, he has five kids of his own. He has. But he has little to no contact with.

That is. Oh, God. Where do you begin with that? It's. There is something deeply, deeply wrong with that. And I don't know when she knew. What's her name?

Emma.

Emma. I don't know. Emma. When you knew that he wasn't close to his own children, all five of them. But at a certain point, you have to ask, on what basis am I assuming he's going to have any loyalty to us as a family when he doesn't even have any loyalty to his own? Where his volunteer family, like, we're the family he volunteered for this this year. But what does it say about this person if they have no contact with their own five children? The fact that he walked out, out of nowhere, like, said he was going to the shops and then didn't come back. You're wondering about closure. You got it. You got it. He showed himself to be completely. I'm guessing that he put forward a very different image than the one that showed. But the one that showed, that's him. Who he's been pretending to be for 11 months. That's someone else. But you just found out who he is. That is closure. He. He showed himself to be someone so callous, so cruel, so unempathetic and cold that he could just pretend to go to the shops and then be so Cowardly as to send you a message saying, I'm not coming back. A message. He's a coward. He is a coward. And that might, by the way, that might, that's almost certainly the most polite word you could possibly find for this person because it says to me personality disorder. But coward is the best thing you can say about him. The most moderate thing you can say, it's viciously selfish. Well, and even what she said afterwards, that even now when he reaches out, which apparently he still does, it's the audacity. It's about him and his emotions. But that tells you everything you need to know. It's about him. And it should. Now, again, assuming you knew before that he wasn't in contact with his own kids, you just found out why, you just discovered why. The people in his life that he should be close to. Again, if he had one difficult child who decided he didn't want to, didn't want to talk to his dad, that's one thing when you got five kids and you're not close to any of them. He hasn't got five psychopaths for children. Right. If none of them are close to him, you just found out why. So this is closure. And you know, some people are really, really talented, if you want to call it that, at putting forward a different image for protracted period of time. In this case 11 months. What is worth asking without going into self blame, is, is there anything that I did ignore? Is there anything that my intuition was telling me in those 11 months that I chose to not to pay attention to? And how would I do that differently next time around? What conversation would I not avoid having and would have sooner next time around? But, but that's not, none of that is to say this is your fault that he, you know, that you're in this position when someone does that. It's often, here's what I want to say to everyone. This is a very important point. It's very common in situations for people to look at our situation and to go, how could you get into a situation like that? How could you, you know, ignore so much that you would end up in a situation like that with a person like that? That gets said a lot about victims of abuse, victims of narcissists, victims of all kinds of situations. But what people don't realize when they're making those judgments from the outside is that even when our intuition is telling us something is off, even when we're seeing certain red flags, what people do in their worst moments, what people do in their most Destructive moments. What people do at the true like, like peak moments of their particular dysfunction is still often beyond anything we could have predicted or anything that we would have imagined. And I say that as a note of compassion that people should give themselves in these situations. That it's. Yes, it's true that when we look back we can often see certain tracks that people left that we ignored that were a sign that something was off about this situation or this person. That's true. And that's the part where we have to say, next time around it's not about blaming myself, it's about saying, next time around I won't ignore those tracks when I see them, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make sure I shine a light on them and talk about them and, and expose them to the light of day. However, self compassion should come from the fact that we often, even when we see those tracks, it's often still absolutely shocking where they lead. And it's still a huge jump from what we've seen already. Like, I can guarantee that it is a jump from anything she had seen in those 11 months, no matter what writing she may have seen on the wall. Of course, it was a hell of a jump from that to someone saying they were going to go to the shops and never coming back. So don't ever. When people try to make you feel stupid for putting yourself in a certain situation, like, oh, didn't you know he's not close to his own kids? You know, didn't you see that? That was a red flag. Yes, that is a red flag when you've got five kids and you're not close to them or you don't speak to them. But it doesn't follow that you would then predict that they would say they're going to the shops and never come back. The key thing here is to not ignore those tracks next time. If there were things that you saw that you know you ignored in your intuition. And the second thing is to realize that the closure you're looking for, you already have that. You just, the mask came off and you just saw who this person really is. And when they call you and they text you and they play a sympathetic tune about their own emotions, they're showing you even more who they are. Because what they're saying is you, the victim, are not the headline for me. What I've done to you is not the headline to me. The headline to me is the confusion and the struggle that I'm going through despite the fact that I'm the one who has you Know, wreaked havoc after 11 months on you and your children.

I also believe, like, if you're really honest with yourself, like, when someone does that to you, can you even. Would you even take them back? Like, this idea of closure and explanation that only really almost should qualify for someone who could potentially. Who's actually. You've potentially lost someone valuable. Like, to me, it's like, this man is so not valuable. An absolute idiot.

I knew a couple when I was a lot younger. I was a teenager, but they were a couple in there, what, 40s, maybe 50s.

Isn't it so funny when you're, like, a teenager and you see people who are like, our age, you're like, oh, my God, they're so old. And then now you're our. We're our age and we're like, how dare you? We're so young.

But we are. To teenagers, we're.

That's what I mean. Like, we're like, really so old. Like, anyone. I feel like when I was a teenager, anyone that was older than 21 was just basically dead and like, yeah, irrelevant.

They weren't on your radar. Yeah.

Yeah.

But I knew. I knew this couple who were. She was a bit older. He was. He was about 10 years younger than her, maybe she was in her 50s. He was in his 40s. And we used to see them on a vacation we used to go on. They owned a business in this place that we used to go on holiday. And they. We always got on really well with them. We thought they were really lovely. And one day the guy just disappeared. Just up and left, like, without a trace. And it felt like this drive was like this drama on vacation that, you know, that he had done this. And we were. You know, we used to hang out with them and we were like, what the hell? And my mom and dad.

Same thing happened to me with my neighbors.

Oh, weird.

Yeah.

You know what was crazy is that once we got into it with her who. And she was, like, beside herself that he had just disappeared or whatever, it turned out he had done this once before. Like, he had done the same thing once before. So although she was shocked by. She wasn't so shocked because he had actually done this before. And that's the. To the point you're making when you take someone like that back. You have to ask yourself, on what basis am I deciding that they are not capable of doing that exact same thing again?

100%. I always think this when. When somebody. Look, people break up and get back together. So, like, I'm not saying every Time somebody breaks up with you. But I think every time somebody shows themselves to treat you in a careless way, discard you, dismiss you or something, something that just. I. To me, it's like that's the same person that can jolt you at the altar.

Well, what they've shown is that that's how they respond to problems in life. That at its essence, because him feeling whatever he was feeling, let's say he was feeling trapped. Let's say he had an urge to go be with someone else. There was some kind of internal challenge that he was facing. Right. And people face those kind of challenges in relationships a lot. People get scared. People, oh, my God, can I do this? Can I? Whatever. People have those thoughts. Those thoughts aren't. They're not the end of the world. They're human. They thoughts. But what he has shown is this is his reaction to an urge to a thought like that, to a fear, to feeling claustrophobic, to whatever he was feeling. His response is to lie about going to the shops and then not come back and then text her saying he's not coming back. That's his reaction to a problem. And when someone reacts to a challenge in that way, you have to say, this is what this person does when they feel challenged by something. This is their reaction. So if I ever take them back, I have to ask myself, why do I think that they are newly equipped to deal with that challenging thought the next time it arises, simply because I'm taking them back.

Yeah. Unless they have done extensive therapy.

Exactly.

Which he doesn't sound like the type of.

He doesn't.

Then don't take him back, Emma, no matter what he says. Also, I do think, as a. Add it to the repertoire of red flags. I do think if a man has children and his children don't, he. He doesn't have any relationship with his children, and there isn't some kind of, like, toxic partner in the way that's stopping him and preventing him from seeing him. His children. Especially if he has, like, you know, access to his children, yet doesn't seem to have a relationship with them. I think that's a massive red flag, and I think we can take that with us as a good lesson.

I agree.

Right. I have one last question. This one's a little bit long, but it's really, really interesting, and I wanted to read it. I don't know this person's name, so I will call her Sadie.

Okay.

Sadie says hello. Matthew and Audrey, first of all, thank you for all that you do. Your podcast saved my mental health in hard times and to this day serves as a grounding tool.

Lovely.

Very nice. Thank you Sadie I have a story that lingers over a year now, but really probably a few years. I am a 40 year old widow with two young children. My husband passed away in 2022 after a long battle with COVID and its complications. He had his business and I was a stay at home mom during the time of his hospitalization. His best friend in brackets single, divorced for five years with no kids was around to help the company stay afloat after my husband passed. He has been in charge for all of our audio listeners. I just did the air quotes with my fingers in charge. We spent a lot of time together. He was my shoulder to cry on and support in any other way I needed. After my husband passed I started feeling attracted to him. It was such a surprise because I didn't try to find a man right after this major event. But anyway I felt like he likes me too. Something was definitely in the air and it got confirmed when one evening we hung out and things escalated. We became physically intimate. However, right before that he mentioned that he is not ready for a relationship but I went along with it anyway. I did not like it at all. She doesn't say why she didn't like it, but she says she didn't like didn't like the intimacy. He proposed at first to quote call whenever I need a man and he will be there. I was perplexed by that statement, but again I went along with it. We functioned like that for four weeks and then he decided it is not fair to keep doing it. He mentioned that I'm a fresh widow and I deserve proper respect. I was shocked but I took it with grace and didn't put up a fight or discussion. I said okay, if that's what you want, no problem. Inside though, I was devastated. Later on I wrote him an email explaining that I did hope for a relationship and I had formed feelings for him earlier. Even before the intimacy happened, I received no response. Things were a bit awkward at the beginning after this breakup in air quotes, but we move past it fast forward. We have been working together and every now and then we spend personal time. I'm assuming she means they get together. I'm assuming he occasionally spends times with my kids and I guess the friendship remains and I can count on him whenever I need. However, after a year I have not moved on and I still want more. I guess my question to you is is this worth revisiting? I mean maybe a face to face conversation. This Time, not email, where I can express what I really feel. Hang on.

What? They. They. They only were, like, getting together for, like, four weeks, right?

Yeah. And she's basically saying.

She's saying after a year, I'm still not over this person.

Yes. And she's wondering whether it's worth revisiting the conversation face to face.

I know you didn't have it face to face when he was saying that. I'm like, no, it was an email.

Oh, no, no, no. That was. No, so. So, no, that conversation, like, when he.

Was saying, like, I'm not, you know, this isn't right.

And now I've had sex with you for four weeks. I don't want to hurt you.

Yeah, that. I assume that part was face to face.

I think that was face to face. I think then she sent an email and he didn't respond to it because he's, you know, really caring and cares a lot about her mental health. I know there is a saying, do not let a man reject you twice. And I do not want to lose respect for myself by coming back to him and asking when he was very clear where he stands. However, I feel like there was never a clear, direct communication between us about what we want.

No. Yes, there was.

At least I didn't say it.

Yes, you did.

Sadie, I'm sorry. I think I'm going to unleash a very angry Matthew on you. I'm sorry about this. I feel like there is something there for him, too. Can he be the right person at the wrong time? I'm stuck between letting it go completely and giving it a try.

There's nothing to let go. What is there to let go? It's gone. It wasn't there. What is there to let go? We. This. We have to stop this thing of, like, I'm struggling to let go that you. You're not like, to let go of what air? Like, what is it you're holding on to? The thing doesn't exist. Like, listen, I was willing to offer a lot of compassion for the scenario where her husband passed her. His friend was there in those times. I don't know how good of a friend.

Best friend, Right.

My God. But I was willing to look at this as a scenario of this was genuinely his best friend and this guy is a good guy, and the two of them actually found each other in this difficult period and both were able to reconcile within themselves that, you know what? He would have wanted us to be happy if there was a shot at happiness, and we found it with each other. Like we can make our peace with that. Like, that I could have understood. It's really easy for him to say, I'm not thinking about this while we're having sex for four weeks and now I'm all of a sudden my moral compass has visited me and, you know, this just isn't fair to you and blah, blah, blah. It's like it's. I'm sure your best friend wouldn't have been the happiest with you not taking his wife seriously and messing her around. And how about, how about you? How about not, it's not fair to you? How about I've not been the kind of friend to my best, to my past deceased best friend by just seeing this as a bit of fun and then telling you, oh, because, because you're the victim here and you're the widow. I can't do this. And it's all very confusing and so on.

Can.

I really don't like that.

I, I can I just say as well, like, I really hate it. It's like a real pet peeve of mine when people like sleep with you and like, you know, we'll see you for X amount of time and then go, I don't, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to get attached. Oh, don't you? Well, that would have been interesting and useful information five weeks ago before we had sex a hundred times, you know what I mean? Like, I, I just think that's such a. It's such the audacity of people doing that.

Anyway, this whole situation has shown itself to you is exactly what it is. Like he said, he literally said to you, like, I'll be the guy you need whenever you need a man. Call me whenever you need a man. Like, can you get any more detached than that? Not, call me when you need a friend. Not call me when you need someone who, you know, cares about you. Call me when you need a man. I'm not even a person in your life that matters. I am just a man. I mean, that is his level of emotional involvement in this situation. He basically said to you, I will be the absolute. That we talk about it in those videos, the Minimum possible Investment videos. Remember the MPI when I was dressed up as a cop putting in the minimum possible investment. That was what MPI stood for, Minimum possible investment. Some people give you the minimum possible investment and they look for people they can give the minimum possible investment to. And he sussed you out as someone he could give the minimum possible investment. He didn't even need to try from his side. He just said, call me when you need something. So now it's, it's even you calling him. It's not even him calling you. I'm saying all of this not for you to have any regrets about this situation or to turn it into some kind of self loathing that you do. I'm saying it because this is the person that you, a year later, are still thinking about. I promise you he's not thinking about you. I promise you he is not in his mind debating what to do about you. I promise you he is not lacking foreclosure. This is a common mind trick we do with ourselves is we go, oh, maybe, you know, they just didn't hear enough from me how much I cared. That's not how, that's not how men operate. Especially after you've had sex with them. They, they, at that point, I promise you, after four weeks of having sex with you, he knows that you're interested. He's not going away going, oh, I just, I just. If she'd have just shown me a little more, if she'd have just shown me that she wanted more, I would have been up for it.

This is really interesting and because I just want to say, Sadie, like, we've all done this, we've all done this whole, like, maybe if I just did this extra thing, then, you know, we would end up together or they would, we would, you know, they would. Maybe they need a signal from me to know that I'm open to this and I like them in order to then themselves kind of take a risk on this relationship. So I just want to, like, say that because I think it's really not. There's nothing to be ashamed of for feeling that way. Like you say, it's a very common thing that people do, but I'm just really curious, like, why do you think we do that? And it was really interesting to me is the fact that you're saying as a guy, like, that is just not how it works. So, yeah, I just want to kind of highlight this point because I think it's so important.

Well, I, I don't think it works that way for either sex. I don't think, you know, if you like someone weeks into sleeping with them, you aren't thinking. I just need them to show me that they really like me for me to continue wanting to see them. And the reason that we do that with ourselves, where we go, oh, maybe I just didn't. Maybe I just didn't say it loud enough. Right by the he knows you wants more. That's why you wanted more. That's why he gave you a bunch of excuses, because he was like, I'm not gonna risk you thinking you're gonna get more out of this, so I'm gonna make sure that I ward you off at the gate. So he gave you a bunch of excuses precisely because he knew that he was gonna get himself into trouble if you thought more was possible. That's why he gave you the excuses. But it's easier to tell ourselves, maybe I just didn't profess my feelings loud and loudly enough, and, you know, so maybe they just don't know. It's easier to do that than to just admit to ourselves there's nothing there. It's more desirable to think maybe there's still something on the table if I went and actually, you know, said how I felt or that I saw something there between us. The reason I get agitated about situations like this, I don't like. I don't get agitated about, you know, her sleeping with him in this scenario because it's. She was in a vulnerable position. She was looking for connection, and she found it, and she pro. And it seems quite clear that she found it in the wrong place. But that's human. What, like, gets under my skin is a year of wasted time. I'm very, very protective over people's time, especially when that time is all dedicated to thinking about someone and ruminating about someone who is absolutely not using their time to think and ruminate about you. Can you think of anything more futile? Can you think of anything more disrespectful to your own time and your own life than to sit there for a year and ponder the possibilities with someone who is not thinking about you at all?

And also, Sadie, you know, potentially, this is all a big distraction from the fact that you've also lost your husband.

That's a very astute point. Speak on that more. That's a big point.

Just maybe this guy isn't actually that important after all. And we're obsessing over whether he, you know, feels the same way, whether this might happen, whether this. Whether that. And all of this is one big way of protecting yourself from actually facing the grief and loss that you really feel in the loss of your husband, because it happens so quickly after. And I hope that takes a little bit of power away from this person, because who is he? He's irrelevant.

That's a really powerful point you just made. And it's really, really, really important that this is a distraction. And. And look at how little you have become distracted by four weeks of hookups and a year later we're talking about this person. I can guarantee you, by the way, if he were a stranger, it would be a lot harder for us to be taking this person seriously a year later. But it's easy to make this seem more significant because it happened to be his best friend and he's been in the middle of it all and he's been helping and you know, he's been spending time with your kids. Stop that shit as well. Like, if this is someone you can't get over after a year, then the whole spending time with your kids thing, that has to stop. Because that is, that is only gonna warp your mind further. Watching him have a good time with your kids when he was the best friend of your partner, like, that's gonna play tricks on your mind. That's not an. It's an utterly unhelpful image for you to have because all it does is make you feel like, he's great, what a great guy. Oh, and he's so good with my kids. That's like really, like easy points for him to score is really low hanging fruit. He looks fatherly, he's endearing. Meanwhile, you're no better off in the situation. So it's you. You. What Audrey is saying is really, really profound. Is the, the this is a distraction is not helpful. It's not helpful as a distraction from your grief and it's not helpful as something that's going to get in the way of you one day finding something that's real in your love life once again.

Yeah. And Sadie and anyone else out there who is going through something similar. Maybe you're not sure whether or not you express your feelings loud enough and you're not sure how someone really feels about you. I think the way he has ignored this email, the way he has not reciprocated those feelings is your answer. And that's hard to accept because once you accept that, you have to face your grief, but it is your answer. And anyone in a similar situation look to see, have you already had an answer? Have you not heard from them for two weeks? Have they not. Have they skirted the subject of a relationship over and over again?

Yep.

Have they just evaded every single conversation around commitment, future planning, anything like that? If so that's your answer. You don't need to put yourself out there another time to just. If you need to do that, that's fine. But then at that point, you know, don't do it in such A way that they cannot ignore you and they have to reject you to your face so you can finally move on and be ready for that rejection. Because that rejection will come.

Yeah. Yeah.

If they have the decency to do it, because they may not even reply.

Like this guy, if you sent an email and a phone and you've made a phone call and you wrote them a letter, you know, at that point, don't blame it on the fact that you didn't also send a carrier pigeon. You have said it. He knows.

Now go find someone better than this guy.

Or find no one right now, actually. Just be. Just be. Be with your kids. Connect with them. Build your social life, Develop your friendships. Meditate, you know, heal. Do the things that are actually going to make you feel whole again. Do the things that are actually going to make you feel strong again. Because I promise you, we are all. You know, this is an oversimplification, but I think it's a. It's a useful one. We're all either, in any moment, we're coming from a place of anxiety and fear and, you know, paralysis, or. Or we're coming from a place of strength and leadership. And right now, I know you're not coming from a place of strength and leadership, because these aren't the questions you would be asking from a place of strength and leadership. So ask yourself, what do I need? Not, how do I communicate my feelings to this guy. Ask yourself, how do I get back to a place of strength and leadership in my life? Because I promise you, if you do that, you won't be asking these questions.

I love that it's not about him. It's about you. Enough of making him the center of attention. And actually, Sadie and anyone else out there listening to this, struggling to get over someone and, you know, just not really sure how to move on from a breakup or anything like that. Come to our free masterclass on heartbreak. Is it on the 25th?

It's on the 25th of February. Sadie, this is actually perfect for you. And we're going to be spending over an hour together helping you move through this heartbreak.

And when Matt says we, it's actually.

Just him, it's just me. But we will be live, and there will be people joining us from all over the world. It's a free event. I just want to spend time with you all, and I want to show you what I've learned over the years in how to move through heartbreak. So go sign up@lovelifetraining.com it's completely free, and we'll see you on the 25th. I'll send you an email with all of the details. Thank you so much for watching everyone or listening to another episode of the Love Life podcast launch coming up. David, what's Our launch date? March 12.

March 12.

March 12. The new episode of Love Life is coming. We are so excited. Put it in your diary. Subscribe to the podcast now either on Apple or Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Go subscribe so that when the new episode comes out, you receive it. All right, that's it. We'll see you soon. Thanks for watching everyone.

Bye everyone.

I mean listening. It's a podcast Foreign.

Attempt, a feat once thought impossible. Overcoming high interest credit card debt. It requires merely one thing, a SoFi personal loan. With it, you could save big on interest charges by consolidating into one low fixed rate monthly payment. Defy high interest debt with a SOFI personal loan. Visit sofi.com stunt to learn more. Loans originated by Sofi Bank NA member FDIC terms and conditions apply. NMLS 696891.