Ready to Give Up on Dating? Watch This . . . | Rewind

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We cannot control when we meet the one, but we can control how many people we meet and how quickly we let go of someone who is the wrong one. Are you finding that you're losing the motivation to date? There's a lot of contradictory feelings that we have in our love lives. On one hand, there's a part of us deep down that knows I would love to meet someone. I want to meet the love of my life. But many of us hate dating. We hate the process. And that's understandable. It's kind of like saying, I want to find the one I love, but I don't want to go on dates with people that aren't them. and the list gets longer of things that we don't want to do in our love lives. We don't, most of us, want to spend hours and hours scrolling mindlessly on dating apps. We don't want to do activities that we're not interested in simply for the purposes of maybe meeting someone, which is a small chance anyway. And of course, many introverts really feel this acutely because The things that they fantasize about doing with the love of their life, whether it's going on a vacation together, whether it's going on a road trip, camping, being chill at home and watching movies, or going on candlelit dinners, these are all very intimate things. And the opposite of many of the things that we're told we need to do in order to meet someone, which is be around lots of people and play the numbers game. In some ways, it could be argued that this is like many things in life. Many people want to be wealthy, but they don't want to go through the hassle of starting a business. Many people want to have that action hero body, but they hate the gym. But I suppose the difference is that when we go to the gym, even though we don't get our ideal body that day, that week, or even that month necessarily, we still feel like we made a little progress. that that session counted. And the same is true of running a company. You may not feel like you're getting the results you want yet, but you do feel like you're on the way to building something. That effort counted. In our love lives, we can have this horrible feeling that none of the effort we're putting in actually counts. That we just had another conversation or another date with someone we clearly have no future with. And all we're left with is the disappointment and the resentment that that was time we could have spent with someone we actually love from our friends and family or doing something we actually love. Everyone has had that experience of going home from a date and thinking, I am done. I don't care anymore. I'm not looking anymore. I don't want to do this ever again. So what is the solution to all of this? First, don't see everything that you need to do in your love life as only being for your love life. I think a lot of our resentment and frustration and even depression comes from thinking that the things we have to do to find love have no utility outside of finding the person we want. I think some of them it's hard to justify outside of finding a person, you know, scrolling away on a dating app, is hard to figure out what the good reason for doing that would be if it wasn't to find somebody. And it's hard to see it as not a waste of time if we don't find somebody. But there are other things that I think are worth it for their own sake. Enriching our lives, going out there and doing new things, even if they're things that we don't always want to do, or they're not things that we would normally choose to do. I think those experiences do add color and flavor to our lives. At the very least, they give us more things to have a conversation about, more things to have opinion on. One of the things that I used to love about Anthony Bourdain in the series Parts Unknown is that it always felt to me like he was dating the world. It felt like he was somehow dating life, dating the planet, that he was going around and having all of these adventures. Sometimes he traveled to places that he wouldn't normally go to and maybe would never go back. Sometimes he did activities that maybe he would never try again, but at least he did them. He had an opinion on them. He would sit down to dinner with all sorts of different people. And based on how many people were deeply saddened by Bourdain's death, I clearly wasn't the only one who was inspired by that. So if Bourdain can date the world, why can't we? And I think the richer life that that will create for us will be worth it even if it doesn't result in someone who becomes a permanent fixture in our lives. Number two, give energy simply to give it. Part of, I think, what creates resentment in our love lives is that we give energy in a certain situation because we like someone or we're attracted and we want it back. And then when we don't get it back, we feel like a failure and we decide not to give that energy again. I think that it's better to start by saying, what energy do I wanna represent in life? What energy do I want to bring into a room? I think of the movie Elf, when Buddy the Elf is a human, but he comes to New York and is almost looked at like an alien, not just because he's wearing an elf suit, but because he has this almost naive kindness about him, that he just spreads joy wherever he goes. He walks into a stuffy office and compliments people and says sweet things and notices things and has a curiosity about him. that brings other people to life. That's not only gonna be a more generous spirit than being frustrated and upset until we meet someone we love or could love and then switching all of that on, it's also a way of attracting people that we wouldn't normally attract. Because I do believe that's like a beam of light that we shine out. When we give that energy, people notice us differently. And that's part of being the person that other people see from across the room. And by the way, that's not why we're going to do it. We're not going to do it because if we give this energy, someone's going to come over. We're going to do it because that's simply the energy that we want to represent in the world. One of kindness and magic and possibility. Number three, we will conserve more energy in our love lives if we get better at saying no to the wrong people faster. Always remember this. We cannot control when we meet the one, but we can control how many people we meet and how quickly we let go of someone who is the wrong one. Number four, Pit Stops are okay. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from dating if you need it or slowing down, taking more time for yourself or other activities so that you can refuel and bring more energy to your love life a little bit later on. Just don't allow a pit stop to become a dead end because that will be doing your life a disservice. Even if you reintroduce things that you want to do for your love life slowly, at some point, get the car moving again. And number five, focus on the person who is going to thank you in the future for not giving up today. Because that person is going to be so lucky to have someone as loving as you in their life. that person is out there right now as you're hearing my voice doing something out there in the world, hoping that they get to meet someone like you. Before you go, I wanted to let you know that we have a program that is great for anyone in early dating right now who wants to make sure they don't keep ending up in casual situations but gets into a relationship that actually goes somewhere. It's called the momentum texts. It's ridiculously practical and you can you can get it for $7 over at momentumtexts.com.