Responding To YOUR Biggest Dating Mistakes...(Part 2)

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That's where the disaster begins, is because you're. All you're doing is looking at the things you find attractive. You're not looking at the fundamental qualities that are missing in this person. Welcome everybody to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, also Jameson, Audrey and Stephen with me.

Hello friends.

Hello.

Howdy.

So today we are doing a part two of the episode where we asked.

People what patterns or reoccurring mistake are taking place in their love life that they want to work on.

We got a great response to the first episode. Here is part two. Before we go into that, if you haven't already, we have a one hour training that shows you how to get out of casual situations, mindlessly being on dating apps, having dates that Don't go anywhere and just generally feeling like your love life isn't going in the direction you want. It is a training that shows you practically how to avoid casual situations, how to find your person this year, and how to get the safety and the commitment that you deserve with that person. It's really powerful. It's also free and thousands of people are watching it every day right now to get the love life that they want. If you go to dating, with results.com, you'll get the chance to sign up for a free 48 hour pass to watch Dating with Results. So as long as you watch it within the 48 hour window, it's yours for free. Go check it out at datingwithresults.com All right, so getting into the episode, Audrey, you were last time reading comments. who are from people who are answering this question on our Instagram and Facebook.

Yeah, so we put a post out and we basically asked people what patterns or reoccurring mistake kept coming up in their love lives that they felt was sabotaging their chance at a happy relationship.

So see as we're going through these, see if you see yourself in any of these.

And the reason we decided to do a part two episode, and if you haven't listened to part one, you should go back and do that. But the reason we decided to do part two is because there are so many incredible responses from people and quite frankly, we couldn't choose which ones to talk about. So let's kick things off with Sarah, who wrote a comment underneath our post, and she said that her pattern is that she invests too quickly. She asked, how do I take things slowly and only invest when the person proves that they deserve it?

Investing too quickly. Well, we've all done that.

There's actually a little part of that in Dating With Results, if I remember.

So, well, we list four, is it three or four big mistakes in dating with results? I forget. It's either three or four, but in dating with results, we go through the biggest, most common mistakes that people make in early dating. And one of them is investing too quickly. We invest too quickly because, well, look, when we really want something to happen, We are a biased judge. We look for signs that may or may not really be there, that someone could be right for us. We look for evidence on the first date of things that make them right. And the moment we've decided that this person represents something we want because of some combination of charisma, good looks, they're exciting to be around, we have chemistry with them, the moment we've decided those things, We become this very biased judge looking for anything that could support the idea that A, this person would be great for us, and B, this person likes us, because we now want to give a lot to the situation. And so what we give to the situation becomes increasingly divorced from what we're actually getting from that person.

You know, it makes me think the over-investing part of things always makes me think of, you know, when you're flat hunting and say you want to buy a house or you want to rent an apartment and you see a bunch of apartments and they're not quite right, and then you see one apartment that you really like, and then you just go, oh, this is the apartment. And you don't get, you don't check to see whether or not the shower is running. You don't check to see whether or not, you know, the noise is going to be okay at night. You don't really care about anything else. You just care about securing that apartment. Yeah, because you have decided that it is the best apartment out there. And people do that even without viewing the apartment sometimes. So it just reminds me of that. I think it's a very common human instinct, which is basically when we think we're onto a good thing, we're trying to lock it down as quickly as possible. And we don't take time to pause and sort of look around and see whether or not it's even right for us.

And when you lose that apartment, you convince yourself there are no other apartments livable in London. It cannot be possible that there's another apartment that's livable in my price range. And then several months later you see one and you go, oh yeah, that one looks okay.

And importantly, this time the apartment has to want you back. It's like, I think you're exactly right. That's the intuition that is being played with Audrey, which is like, we think that it is a thing to get. And once we get the thing, then we're good. And it's just that is not the case with relationships. Like, it really does have to go both ways. It's not like a once I get it, then I'm good, I'm set. I get the person. It's like you want to grab that person, you want to just hold on to them. And it's not a relationship. It's not the person you're holding on to. The relationship is separate. And that's like got to be made between the two of you.

And also worth remembering that, you know, people probably find you more attractive when you're not over-investing in them. Because when we have decided someone is right for us and we've decided they're the right person, we're not making them work for it in any way. We're not making them prove anything to us. We're not really trying to make them call us or, you know, make any real effort because we've already decided that it's a done deal. And that kind of lowers our value. So actually the instinct is to over invest, but the way to get the better results is actually to let someone come to you a little bit more and our instincts can really get us in trouble. You talk a lot more about that in Dating Results, so you should go to datingresults.com and watch it because it's a really, really good piece of the training.

And you know one good thing you can do generally in life is zoom out. That's why mindfulness training, meditation is a really powerful tool in general, because what it does is it divorces you. Anytime you start doing something enough, your brain has a availability bias. This is the thing in front of me. This is what I spend my time thinking about. So it must be the most important thing in the world. And whenever you zoom out and start, it's like your career. You can do that. If I didn't have this job, I'm screwed. But if you zoomed out, you might be like, actually, there's a plethora of opportunities, and I'm just choosing one of them right now. Actually, there might be five things I'm quite interested in, and I could invest here and build skills here. Maybe I could do something different. There's actually many more things than you think available. And that's not me saying there's so many other people. You should always be looking at other people. It's just look at your life, look at the world, look at how expansive your world is, and you won't. suddenly think that this person's reciprocal affection is the only thing on which your whole self-esteem and value derives?

Yeah, absolutely. Well, another comment was that her pattern was she unconsciously chooses men who are absolute disasters. And she says she's no longer trusting her own judgment and has become more or less a recluse as a result of it.

Now, is that not recognizing that these men are disasters? Or is it I see signs these men are disasters and I don't make the smart choice at that point?

I mean, I don't know, but I think when you're repeatedly doing something, if something is a pattern, it probably means that you're unconsciously choosing it. I want to be careful in saying that because obviously people end up in abusive relationships and a string of pattern of abusive relationships. I'm not saying that people choose abusive relationships or abusive partners, but I do think that the definition of a pattern is something that keeps reoccurring. And by default, if something keeps reoccurring, we have to look inwards and ask ourselves what is allowing this person or this kind of person to keep entering my life over and over again. So I don't know is the answer. But I do think it's probably an unconscious choice.

We have to start asking ourselves, what were the. If. If I could do this kind of forensic analysis of this relationship and the way it started. Now that I'm here, what were some of the early signs? What were some of the things that, you know, this isn't about blaming yourself for not seeing them coming, but now that you're looking back, what were some of the things that did give you that notice that something was off about that person? What perhaps were you ignoring or oblivious to? at the time. What patterns are you consistently seeing in the kinds of people that turn out to be disasters about the way they behave in the early stages? You can kind of do this pattern recognition across them and say, what do they have in common? Were there, for each of them, these kind of giant gaping holes in their histories or in what they told you about themselves. You know, maybe they told you very little. Maybe what they did tell you didn't really add up. Or maybe it was a sense that they were too good to be true. Maybe it was a feeling of being love bombed very quickly by these people in the early stages. Maybe it was that you didn't really know anything about their life or, you know, increasingly over days or weeks, you just never really got introduced to any part of their life. It all felt very much like it lived in its own world that, you know, was divorced from anything concrete in their life.

Or after three dates, he asked for a small loan of $10,000.

Yes, or that.

I told you I'd pay you back for that.

Yeah, you did.

What we have to be compassionate towards ourselves about is that when we haven't When we've grown up a certain way, when we've grown up around people that have not either taught us what to watch out for in the world or people who themselves represented the wrong things. And so as a result, we have, we've not really ever learned to detect these things. Then it's not our fault that we aren't detecting them. but we have to take responsibility for detecting them in the future. And, and a lot of that is just trying, is actually getting out of your own pattern. Talk to people who you trust and the way they get into relationships. Explain to them what you're noticing in someone or what the early exchanges have been like, and see what the reactions are to those things. Because you may not be an accurate judge right now. You may not have ever seen what healthy behavior looks like, especially if you're inexperienced in dating. And there are people around you who will have a healthier sense of just do a gut check with them. Is this normal? Does this feel... yeah, it feels a little weird. you know, it feels a little strange that you don't know that about this person. It feels a little strange that the dates always take place in this location. Or it feels a bit strange that you don't hear from them for weeks on end or whatever it may be. You want people in your life who do have healthy models for relationships who can help you look at a situation and at least be aware that things seem a little off. And I would say, you know, it's easy. I would say check in with yourself and whether things feel a bit off. But when we're, when we have not experienced a normal relationship in a long time, we don't necessarily have that radar for when things are off. And, and that's where you have to start to, you have to start to actually look at whether it's in the form of YouTube videos like the ones we make or this podcast, or whether it's through asking people you trust, you have to actually start to create a new framework for healthy that originates from outside of yourself. Because otherwise you. You may never. You may never learn.

And I think let's not forget that she uses the term absolute disaster, right? and you can choose a guy that is like, doesn't have a shit together. But to get to that point of absolute disaster, it just implies that she stayed, right? Where it's like you can like definitely choose to go on a date with a guy. It's like, oh, he doesn't quite have his stuff together. Go on two dates. But after like the sixth date, that's when you like start to enter his absolute disaster zone territory. So just say, Try to get out earlier and don't put so much blame on yourself for like, I'm unconsciously choosing like all of these things. I mean, maybe it's possible this only happened like two or three times and she's making a huge narrative out of it too, you know? So just as long as you have your standards and know what you're gonna put up with and you know like, okay, yeah, this guy's not ready for something. He's a little bit not put together, you know? It takes, you don't get to absolute disaster territory until about day six, I think so. she has some time to get out.

You know, I also think, though, that I think that's. That's fair. But there's a reality Distortion that the closer you get to someone, the more ability they have to distort reality.

Right.

They. They know how to make you feel like what this. It's kind of like con men in general, right? and women.

Con people.

Con people. It does really feel like conning comes more from the male direction, but there are female con people. Con women. A con person. I'm gonna say con man. Con person sounds better.

Con artist.

Con artist. That makes it sound too glamorous. A con artist knows how to distort reality. They know how to make you think that what's going on is normal or plausible. And it's all about the kind of distraction from what's really going on so that you don't just look at the facts and go, this doesn't make sense. Why is my, you know, Why is my bank calling me out of the blue at midnight to have a chat about my account? Like, this doesn't make sense. You know, that, but it's all about trying to create plausibility. And in, when someone turns out to be a disaster, usually, well, a lot of the time, what happens, especially with narcissistic people, they distort reality until the point where everything starts to fall apart. And even then, you can find yourself in a situation where you're so deep in that even as it's falling apart, you're still trying to, like, duct tape it together yourself because you just can't bear how much you've put up with and dealt with and invested if this turns out to all be nonsense. So now you become complicit in the con. because you don't want it to be the case. But in the beginning, some people are very good at reality Distortion, and that's why there have to be ways to just take facts and hold them up to the light of day. And that can be by talking to family, it can be by talking to friends, it could be by talking to experts. But when those people point out that those facts held up to the light are clearly there is something really wrong with them. That's when you have to be brave enough to actually listen and humble enough to actually listen. Because what tends to happen with people who turn out to be disasters and distort our reality is that our desire to want to meet and find a person is the strongest thing going on. And so we begin to isolate ourselves from the very people that could actually say something honest about those facts. We start hiding the facts. We don't tell them things. And when it's too hard not to tell them things in their company, we just start avoiding their company. and gradually, gradually, we can find ourselves getting deeper and deeper into a situation because we've closed the blinds on any potential light that could be shed on the situation. So be aware of your instincts. Even if your radar, your compass for knowing the wrong thing, isn't great right now, there's usually a secondary instinct to not show things to people around you who might have a better compass and an instinct to withdraw so that you can still have this thing that's meeting some of your needs, but ultimately is going to turn out to be really catastrophic in your life. If you're aware of those kinds of biases and instincts, you don't even have that suddenly have a great compass for people. you just need to take away the instincts to shut yourself off to other great compasses and not listen to the, to the things that they're telling you. Yeah.

More perspectives gives you more truth.

Did you watch the show Pam and Tommy?

Yes.

It's just interesting because so often with, I mean, that's very much probably how you could describe that relationship, where it was like Tommy Lee or Pamela Anderson, like, really knew she had a bad thing for bad boys. And then Tommy Lee comes in like the ultimate bad boy and still sweeps her off her feet and she kind of knowingly falls into it. But it's just so perfect that that happened in a celebrity type situation because celebrities get in these kind of situations because there's no one in their life to just kind of like check them.

Yeah.

You know, so it's a very isolating kind of thing. You can see why that toxicity happens in that circumstance. But yeah, if you have that, if you have the more of those compasses.

I think that's really beautiful.

Framework.

And that's an interesting example because in that situation, I think if I remember right, the first scene of them meeting is him being like a disaster, really obnoxious person in a club and, you know, kind of coming over to her with absolutely no regard for her friends, very, like, obnoxiously direct. It's not, there's no, conscientiousness at all involved in anything he does. And it's all about, like, he's the, you know, what he wants there is the most important thing in the room. And she finds it exciting because he's bald and he's direct and it feels sexy, but she's ignoring the absence. of all of these things that would make someone a kind, conscientious, good human being in that situation. Now, you can have someone who's direct and bold and all of those things, but those other qualities better show up. And if you're ignoring them, that's where the disaster begins. Because all you're doing is looking at the things you find attractive. You're not looking at the fundamental qualities that are missing. in this person. And you're hoping that one day those things will arrive and they won't, of course.

You know what I also think is I sometimes, this is a bit of a bold statement to make, but I sometimes think people who are the most charismatic and the most like kind of magnetic are, have learnt that behavior in order to hide the fact that they're actually a disaster. A lot of people who are kind of more level-headed, you know, consistent, actually probably have the right materials to make you happy. They have a quiet confidence about them that doesn't announce itself in the same way that, for instance, Tommy and Pam and Tommy does. And I sometimes think when you meet people like that who are just so, oh, my God, that person, they were amazing. They were so exciting, so interesting, so funny. So this, so that. It's kind of a learnt behaviour to sort of mask an insecurity and a lack, I think.

Completely agree with that.

As a magnetic charismatic person, I don't know if I'm agreeing with that. One thing I was gonna say- Apart from you, apart from you. One thing I was gonna say, yeah, our friend, well not our friend, our intellectual friend, let's say John Gottman, who does great research on relationships. Look at frequency. How often is someone their kind, conscientious, helpful self? Because some people will cling on to that person who is 10% of the time that and they go, Look, it's there in them. I've seen it. But John Gottman says the relationship's defined by how frequent does it happen if they get drunk, act like a disaster and they're a mess. three times a week, that's a hell of a lot of times to deal with a drunk and terrible mess.

Yeah, it's almost, it's interesting, it's almost the antithesis of what, who is it, Robert Greene says when Robert Greene said, heard him say, no one ever does anything once. If someone does something, assume it's a pattern because no one ever does anything once. And that's kind of a pretty good rule in general to apply to negative things, although, you know, I would hate for that rule to be applied to me in my life because it offers little redemption for the worst moments of our lives or the things that we wish we hadn't done. But it can be quite a dangerous rule when applied to positive things.

Right, if you use that as hope.

Yeah, if you say this person did this thing on a date, so I'm going to assume that's who they are, that can be quite dangerous because it doesn't factor in consistency in that thing. That's where people overvalue a great date or a very beautiful thing that someone did for them, but they don't look at the fact that actually the rest of the time this person is unkind or abusive or you know, unfeeling or selfish. A lot of relationships are fueled by a couple of good acts a year.

Or a really great face.

Yes, but at least that's consistent.

We have another comment which actually broke my heart reading it. It was from Braz and they said, Sabotaging, so they say their pattern is that they sabotage the relationship that they're in due to insecurities caused by previous trauma. Again, very common. Very, very, very common. And I find that really heartbreaking because I think it makes me think that when you do that, all you want is to be loved and somehow you end up being the author of your own demise over and over again, which is heartbreaking.

I can get philosophical about this because on one hand, when we think like, oh, if it's right, you can't screw it up. You know, the right person is someone. It will work out. It's not going to be brittle. You can be yourself. But for her, herself right now is someone that could sabotage even a great relationship. And that's the hard part about those things is that we do. Who among us hasn't because of some kind of insecurity or trauma done something in a relationship that the other person absolutely didn't deserve? accused them of something, been controlling, been jealous, made their life difficult, created a massive argument. Who among us hasn't done that? And we know that we probably did in some way, we tested the relationship then, and maybe we were able to shift in good enough time that the relationship was okay and thrived. Maybe that person even got to know us a bit better through that, and the relationship got stronger. But there will be relationships that ultimately fray and fail because of those moments if we have too many of them. But where I get philosophical is I think that the one that. The one that we arrive at. where we. Our trauma gets in the way of being able to have a successful relationship. In my view, it's still not our person. Like, our person is someone who comes along at a time in our life where we're working on our stuff. We haven't fixed it all. We're still working on it. They understand the DNA of our. particular trauma or healing journey, or maybe through conversation, they come to understand it. They have enough compassion and enough empathy that they come to understand it. And us theirs. And you heal together, you go on that journey together. That to me is the right relationship is the one that can go on the journey with you. And it's a bit redundant to say, but if I was further along on this journey, I would have been able to keep this person. but because I had still had too much stuff, I lost that person. There's, like, a science fiction element to that. That. That, you know, then. Then it's not your person. Your person is someone who can meet you where you're at and grow and heal with you. And I think you can almost get. I'm not taking accountability away from people in taking responsibility for. healing their trauma. But I think we can almost be a bit fatalistic about it, that if I do everything in my power to heal my trauma, and I'm not quite far enough down that path to keep this particular person I just met, they kind of have an attitude of, like, I'm not, like, I. I know I dated people in my early 20s where there was stuff going on with them, by the way, with me, too. I just didn't know it yet, but there was stuff going on with them where I very much had the attitude of, oh, I can't deal. this. I can't deal with it. And I know it would be a very different, a very different version of me would have shown up 10 years later. But at the age and the stage of my development I was at, I was like, I can't deal with this. This is too much. This is just. Oh, what? And. And so I wrote people off because I was just like, I. And for them, they were, like, very early in their journey of trying to. maybe they didn't even realize what they were trying to work on at that stage. It was just there. It was just unconscious. But we all can get to a stage where we go, no one's gonna want me because of this. Everyone turns me away because of this. But you. You are gonna. If you continue to work on yourself, you're going to continue to meet people at a new stage of your Evolution. and you never know when you're going to meet someone who's at a stage of their evolution where they're actually equipped to help you heal in a way that people haven't been in the past. And that when you find someone like that, that's a really beautiful thing. I know before you and I met, I don't. I don't believe I ever met anyone who is equipped to help me heal in the way that you have. and that's, that has been one of the greatest, probably the greatest gift of our relationship is that I never met anyone who was equipped in the way that you were naturally equipped to soothe me. So, and I don't, and you know, you know, this is true. I don't see it as your job to soothe me. I see it as my job to work on my stuff. But you want to work on your stuff with someone who's a soothing presence.

For sure.

So don't feel defeated. If you feel like you've had a lot go on in your life and that that has made it hard for you to have a relationship without sabotaging or without turning people away with your trauma, understand that A, you can heal. B, there's your equivalent out there who's been through just as much, maybe not the same stuff, but they've been through just as much in their life. And that has uniquely positioned them to be compassionate towards you, to help you heal. And that finding someone like that and then doing it together can be one of the most beautiful experiences you can ever have with another human being. You don't need to come ready-made. You need to come open and humble and willing to do the work. and to meet someone who meets you in that place. And by the way, Braz, I want to say this to you. If you're taking your own part in this seriously, that you want to take responsibility for working through these things. In October, we have the retreat that we're doing in Florida. It's a yearly event. There is no better place that we have to work on healing those things. People often ask me, what does the retreat do? And it does many things for people, but one of the primary functions of it is to help us understand the patterns in ourselves that have been holding us back our entire life. And to help unwind those, heal them, and rewire our patterns. so that we can start getting a different result. Because just getting tips and advice doesn't change our patterns. All it does is give us a roadmap that we don't know how to use because our brain is not built for it right now. Those patterns don't go away on their own. They go away by focusing on them and gradually learning better ways of being. and making those part of our new muscle memory so that we can do something different going forward. And once you change your patterns that underlie every action you take in your life, whether it's in your career, friendships, family, romantic relationships, the results you get in your life naturally begin to change. You don't even need to focus on the result anymore in the same way because your patterns will create new realities for you. that's what we do on the retreat. And we now have dates, Bras, for the October Retreat is from the 9th to the 15th. So you don't have to do this work with us, but you have to do this work if you want to be happier and if you want to get better relationships. I encourage you to do it with us because what we have is a really beautiful way of doing it together over six days. And if you want to find out more about it, Go to mhretreat.com and.

It'S really cool that Braz is aware of it, I want to say as well, because as you mentioned earlier, when you were speaking about people that you dated in the past, a lot of people go through their entire lives completely unconscious. And they don't even realize the reason they keep failing is because of all these patterns and these things that they, you know, that manifest in every single situation they find themselves in. So I think even Braz being able to identify that is actually a giant step that maybe she's not able to see completely. But it's she's already kind of a long way into the journey of actually healing it, right? They always say like, even in AA, it's like the first step is to admit you have a problem. And it's the same thing, the awareness that this is a pattern that comes from trauma that needs to be worked on is massive.

Yeah.

Well, I'm conscious of time, so I want to wrap up with the last comment. Again, thank you so much for every single person who wrote in and sent these beautiful comments. There were so many to choose from. And yeah, thank you. The last one is from Rebecca. Rebecca said that her pattern in relationships is that she pretends she doesn't need things out of worry that what she wants and needs is going to be too much. And as a result of that, she ends up resenting the other person for not anticipating anticipating her needs.

Yeah, that's such a common, common thing. You know, we're, look, we're afraid that if we state our needs, someone's not going to want us, that they're not going to be around. And getting over that is realizing that I'm, we, we have to start having a little bit more confidence in what we bring. to the table. And to say, if me having these basic needs means they don't want a relationship with me, then this isn't a relationship worth having. And we do have a tendency, most of us, to underestimate what we bring to the table, to put too low of a value on ourselves, and therefore to think that I just need to be as Meek as possible, not have any desires, not have any needs, certainly not compel anyone to meet them in order to have a relationship with me. And it's all this fear of they're gonna go away, then let them go away. Let them go. It's no different. You can have this. This isn't just true in. In romantic relationships is true in a company. For years, I operated from a fear-based mindset of not wanting to ask too much, not wanting to have too many needs, because if I asked too much or if I made too many waves, someone might go. A member of staff might leave. And there was this fear, there's an ancient fear of mine, it's not new, but this fear of, well, if they left, how would I cope? And I'm fortunate enough at this stage of the game that enough people have left over the years or I've had to let them go that I realize crazily every time everything is actually okay. Even in the times where I think it's not going to be okay, somehow it's always okay. And once you start connecting with that and you start connecting with your value, you just stop worrying so much anymore about whether people are going to go away. And that's what I want. If I could finish this podcast with a message, it's let's stop worrying so much if people go away. especially when we're talking about your core needs. Of course, if you don't speak up about your needs and then someone takes you for granted, you're going to resent them for it. But what's true is you're more comfortable with resentment than you are with the possibility of loss. That's the emotion you can tolerate. But. But you. The feeling of losing someone feels intolerable, so you'd rather live with resentment. that we have to switch that and say, I'm actually okay with loss. I'm okay. There's other people in the world. If you're in a business, there's other staff. There's other people who will get it, who will love working with you, who will love what you do, who want to be there. If it's in a relationship, there will be people that want a relationship with you on those terms. And ironically, the more you have those terms, the more people will value the relationship. because we actually value the thing that we have to earn. We value the thing that has rules. We value the thing that we have to invest in. We don't respect the person who demands nothing of us.

That really is the irony there with, like, the sexiness of standards. Like, if you get that into your head, that, like, it is, like, the best of both worlds. You will absolutely push your. Push the wrong people away. And it does actually, for the right person, make them value you more.

Yeah.

Like that makes them value the relationship more. I mean, it's still scary to do. I get it. But it's just like once you can get that to land, it's so freeing.

It's a leap of faith, right? It's a brave thing because you don't know what's going to happen when you go and step. You don't know if you're going to put one foot forward and a step is going to appear underneath it or if nothing is going to be there.

I think the whole thing in order to understand where it comes from, I think it's a bid for control. because when we express a need, the other person's reaction to our need is a variable we can't control.

Correct.

And I think what we have to do in every area of our lives in order for it to permeate this one is we have to start changing our relationship with control in general and do things we don't have control over and try and relinquish control wherever possible. Because you're totally right. Standards are sexy and you're absolutely right that, you know, if you state your needs, most people will be like, that's nice. I actually like this person. They have boundaries. They know who they are. But there might also be people who go, not for me. Yeah. And you have to be okay with that because you can't control every single person's reaction to you all the time for the rest of life. That is a miserable existence.

It's such a great point. And by the way, the control you're clinging on to is only the illusion of control anyway. 'Cause you're not having needs doesn't make it any less likely that this person is gonna leave you.

Correct, yeah.

And it's where the Brené Brown stuff comes in about vulnerability. Like you are, you need to expose yourself to moments, spaces of vulnerability where variables can happen. Your boss might not react that way when you have that conversation that you want, your lover, your friend. But those conversations are where the the growth or the happiness lies because you're you're either going to go to the next level or you're going to realize it's not for you. And another thing on this, I think, is embracing even in a relationship, embracing your own weirdness. I think of this as a part of this conversation where it's like the right person will be okay with your form of weirdness. Your friend, Jesse Itzler, right? He's an intense person. he lives in a very intense way, super fit, exercising, doing these crazy challenges. But he, from the outside, seems so comfortable with his own form of. He's a weird person, right? Compared to the average, he's doing, like, 100 mile runs and stuff.

But.

But clearly he would not go. He would go into any relationship being like, this is what I need. If you're gonna be with me, this is the life. I need to live. I doubt someone like him is going to be sheepish about, like, saying, this is. This is what you're signing up for with me, and I'm okay with that. I'm not gonna go and pretend that I'm not this kind of person. Or it's like someone could have it if they don't drink and they're embarrassed. They go on a date and think, oh, it's going to be. This person's going to judge me. If I say, I don't drink, they're going to think I'm no fun or, like, I'm gonna have to, like, Bend to them. But, yeah, the more you can sit, with those vulnerable moments and be like, this is what I like or this is how I live, then you're going to reach that person faster.

It's a great point. Well, I think we can end there for today, but if you haven't already, do go over to datingwithresults.com to actually go one step further than just listening to us on the podcast to actually get the beginnings of a plan for your love life, a practical hour of how to move forward if you want to find your person this year. It's going to show you the mistakes people make that keep landing them in casual situationships. And it also shows you what you can do to build momentum with the right person so that you can get the safety and the commitment you deserve. It is a powerful training. It is also free and it's available to you for 48 hours once you sign up. You can sign up at datingwithresults.com Go over there now, do it before you forget and claim your 48 hour pass and then just make sure you diarize it so that you don't forget to actually watch it in those 48 hours. Thank you so much as always for giving us your time. your energy and your trust in this incredibly important area of your life. We're honored to be a part of your journey and we look forward to seeing you next time in Love Life.

Thank you everybody.

Thanks guys.

Catch you later.