Should You Date Your 'Type'? (The Truth No One Tells You)

[The hold] Steven, you did a stand-up set recently.

I did. I did my first ever stand-up comedy set.

Now, I watched this stand-up set for the first time over the weekend on video. Audrey and I both watched it. It was very good.

Thank you.

I was very, very impressed. You had no business being that good in your first stand-up set.

Thank you.

There was a moment where you talked about how on Dating apps, people are all looking for you to have hobbies. And you expressed your frustration back when you were on the apps about needing to sort of verbalize a hobby that didn't even really exist because you don't associate with having lots of hobbies.

Yeah, people want people with very active hobbies.

Now, what would you say your hobby is?

Going to the movies. Does that count?

Yeah, it counts.

I'm a very committed moviegoer. I have an AMC membership. I can go every week and I get to see as many movies as I want.

Now, a lot of people these days, they struggle to commit to a whole movie. It feels like too much. They'd rather settle for a TV show where they can just watch, come in and out, dip in 30 minutes, get out again. Something about this day and age makes people afraid to commit to 2 hours of sitting down and being present with one thing. And this reminds me of the big problem in dating right now, that the same way that people struggle to sit down and watch a whole movie, a lot of people are struggling to have a real relationship. So they flit around with TV shows, the relationship TV show equivalent, which is dating and hookups. But they never really commit to watching the whole movie.

Well, what is there to be done about this, Matt?

I'll tell you right now, Stephen. We have an entire one hour training that people need only commit to for one hour, and they are going to learn how to get somebody else to go from casual to committed. It is a highly practical training for anybody who is struggling to get commitment in 2025. And you can go and watch it for free by going to getcommitment.com well, speaking of movies, Stephen, we have been taking some of your recommendations recently. We watched A Real Pain the other night.

Oh, yeah.

Loved it. So good. Dr. Ramani described it as the best depiction of a vulnerable narcissist. She's ever seen?

She did. And that actually gave me a lot of insight to the film because I couldn't pinpoint what that character was about. But I see it now.

You feel sorry for him in the beginning, you know, and then you realize that he's actually just a really unpleasant person.

Well, you, the whole first half of the movie, you were making very sympathetic noises when he was on the screen because it was sort of work his shtick. was working on you.

And then over- and then you were like, you know, Dr. Ramani described him as the best depiction of vulnerable narcissist. And I was like, oh shit.

Well, that, but that's how people like that, you know, in real life, we do, you do feel sorry for people like that, especially if there's someone that you love, especially if there's someone you're close to. And so that's kind of how they end up being such an exhausting force. in your life. If you haven't seen it, watch it because it's just a it's a really you know what it is? It's a really good depiction of two imperfect people where one takes responsibility and the other one doesn't. Because whenever I talk about this idea that the right person for us will be the person who chooses us with all of our imperfections, there's always going to be someone who says, yeah, but we can't just be the worst person in the world and expect someone to be okay with that. That's just a mandate for abuse. And that's right, of course. But what I love about this film is it's a really, it really accurately shows that you can have a great relationship with someone who accepts you and be very, very imperfect. Yeah. If you own those imperfections and you do your best to work on them. But the other side, Kieran Culkin's character is someone who takes no responsibility. And that's the version of that that becomes really, really toxic in relationships.

Yeah.

Well, today we have a very interesting topic that I think a lot of people are gonna be highly, highly interested in because One of the greatest struggles out there is feeling like who we get attracted to isn't working for us for any number of reasons. And when we think of who we keep getting attracted to, we might think of our type. I invite you to ask yourself out there, listener, who is your type?

It reminds me when you say that of, did you guys ever watch Love Island?

Not a full episode.

Can't say I did.

So I watched the first, the second and third series back in the day, and they keep like pulling each other aside to have like chats, and they just go, so, what's your type? They always do that.

They always want to know.

It was on a note. And then they like kind of describe each other, and it's like preliminary flirting in Love Island.

I can't, I don't think I've ever once asked anybody I've dated, what's your type on a first date?

Yeah, imagine they say something completely different.

It's an impossible question. You either, you either are what, you either not their type or you're the subject of their ongoing fetish.

Well, no, because I think that's interesting. I've never, I don't think I've asked it, but that is interesting information because if they really like you, it's interesting if you're not their type as well, because you're like, you know, how am I different? to other people.

You like.

It's interesting to know, do you always date the same kind of people? Don't you think? I don't like knowing about people I'm dating. I don't want to hear about their exes, but it is also interesting information. Like, have their exes been anything like me? Am I. Am I a breath of fresh air?

That's so interesting. You're so. We're so different in that area. I always just wanted to. It to like, I was like, I just let this exist in a bubble.

You wanted to be a black hole. The past is a black hole.

No, I just, I like it. I was much more interested in, like, this moment feeling just fresh and new and present and. But I, I totally get where you're coming from. Well, we decided we should do an entire episode of the podcast on whether you should date your type and. We're going to discuss that today. We have not only some discussion around this topic between us, we have Love Life Line, led by Audrey, where we're going to have one of our Love Life members ask a question, and we're going to answer that question. Stephen has a special segment.

We do.

I don't even know. I don't know what it is. I just, let's call it Stephen's Surprise Box.

A new feature.

There's an ominous easel covered in black in the studio.

Do you know what's so funny is literally it's the first time I noticed it.

Really?

I didn't even notice that. There's an entire flip chart in front of me covered it draped in black. And I did not realize it was there until now.

You couldn't have let me have the fact that it was an easel. You couldn't have just let me believe.

That isn't an easel. That's what painters use.

Yeah.

Well, that's very French of you.

It's like, and you know the little prince, Le Petit Prince, where he draws a hat as a kid, but it's actually not a hat, it's a snake that's eaten a boa constrictor. And all the adults are like, no, it's not, it's a hat. And he's like, you have to use your imagination that it's actually a snake inside. I thought it was an easel and you ruined it.

You're the grown-ups. But we've already established that because of your French lineage, you see everything as an easel. So we're gonna have Stephen's special box.

Special easel.

And, and there is, well, I suppose that's our episode.

So, can we call Stephen's bit, Stephen's Secret Easel?

That's so weird.

It's so... No, the feature has a name, so you'll find out when we find out later.

If you are one of our Love Life members, of course, we have some really exciting stuff coming up. We just had yesterday a brand new course released inside the Love Life app from Gillian Cherie, a much anticipated course on how to choose the right person. Today there is a live session with you, Stephen. If you listen to this podcast too late, then you can go back and listen to this on record inside the Love Life app. We have an in-person member event in Los Angeles for anyone who wants to come to LA. We actually have a lot of people traveling in for this.

Yeah.

Some of our Club 320 members are coming in and joining us for it. That is happening in person in LA on March the 27th. On Friday the 28th, Stephen, you're going to be doing a check-in with the community. And then on Friday, April 4th, I will be doing a live check-in with the community. So if you are a love life member, all of that is coming up. If you are not a love life member, it's not too late. you can still come and join us and commit to a deeper journey with us by going to joinlovelife.com Go check it out. It is a great time to become a Love Life member. There are so many great things happening just this month alone, let alone what is coming up in the future months. All right. Well, should you date your type?

Do you have a type?

Do you have a type?

I've thought about this. I don't actually think there's that much consistency in the types of people I've dated. I've dated introverts, extroverts, People with different interests, outdoorsy, indoorsy, I don't see like a common thread. But I do see a lot of people have fixed ideas about the kind of person they want to date, especially on dating apps. A lot of people put in what the kind of person they're looking for, what they might do, the kind of job they might have. Someone thinks I want to date someone in finance or I'm an entrepreneur. I want to date someone who's an entrepreneur like me. and I think there's these different areas where people think of their type. I think there might be looks. You have your type in looks, height, body type. This is how they'll look, dark hair, long hair, short hair. I think people have a type in terms of personality traits. Maybe they're ambitious, they're outdoorsy, they're adventurous, they're a traveler, whatever, or they're introverted. And then I think there's also types of interests or passions. Like, I'm a reader. I want him to be a reader. I love these movies. I want him to love this kind of movie as well. Or, I am sporty. I want to be into sports. So it's kind of like looks, interests or personality traits. And people tend to have a kind of on paper image of their type.

And Stephen, you have always maintained that you wanted a reader.

That's true.

Has that shifted? Like, have you loosened up a little bit on this?

I will actually say probably not.

Okay.

So if you were going to go a type, I think someone who reads at least a big learner, let's say, that's a big essential for me.

But hang on, I think there's a big difference here between, like, what you're describing is having shared interests or having, like, trying to find somebody who you feel compatible with. I think there's actually a difference between that and like what, you know, what I was talking about the Love Island type, which is kind of like more superficial, more shallow.

You don't think Love Island, they were, they weren't talking about how much each other read.

I mean, I don't want to stereotype because there might be some, but you.

Don'T think that's what they were asking when they said, what's your type? You think they were saying, well, the.

Answer is always like, you know, like petite brunette likes to have a laugh.

No, you always. God, like, you have to laugh. You have to love a laugh.

Exactly. Smiling.

Like there are people who don't love to laugh.

But like, I actually, I have an unpopular opinion. Not unpopular. I have an opinion on types, and that is that types oftentimes, I think, are born out of insecurities.

Go on.

Go on.

I think if you have a hard type, Like, I only want to date this kind of person who does this or who looks like that or whatever. I think it comes from a place of almost like, I will not feel confident unless I end up with a certain kind of person. Like, that kind of person is the thing that's going to make the kind of person that's going to make me feel good about myself. Instead of going, I'm open to just meeting an awesome person in whatever kind of package that comes in for me because I don't have this preconceived idea of like, if they're not like that, then they're not good enough for me. And, and yeah, and I think oftentimes, I think types can be borne out of attraction, but I do think oftentimes they're born out of insecurity. And also this kind of familiarity, which we talked about in the last episode of like, you know, we find certain traits familiar and attractive, but they're not necessarily good traits.

Either. Yeah, there's something interesting about that. You're saying so much of what we call our type is actually an act of an expression of ego.

Yes, exactly.

Who will my friends think is a catch? Who will society like reward me for being with? How, who's going to make my Instagram comments go, Lucky you.

Yeah, or this just might make me feel like I've made it or I'm validated, like I got that kind of person that says something about me.

Yes. And so, and I suppose, you know, when you say, of course, our type can be who we're attracted to, but too often it's born out of ego and who we think is the kind of person we should be with or that society will reward us for being with. Those two things can actually quite quickly get conflated.

Yeah, that's true.

You can think they're the same thing. What your ego is telling you to want, you can start to think is the thing that I'm attracted to.

I think as well, attraction is so complex. I've made this reference before and this, like, this is such a like, tell me, tell me you're a millennial without telling me you're a millennial comment. But in Sex and the City, she.

Was either gonna be friends or Sex and the City.

It was always, it's always friends or Sex and the City. In Sex and the City, Charlotte basically is like, she's very kind of like, prim, proper, a little bit, I think she might be kind of a little bit Republican leaning and, you know, like that kind of like look, that kind of very like, you know, conservative, I suppose. And she always dates like this kind of the certain kind of guy, like the kind of prince charming type of guy. And she ends up with this guy who is completely not her type. Like he's short, he's a little bit like kind of round, round the edges, he is bald, she doesn't think he's like intuitively very attractive to look at. But she has so much chemistry with him, she's so drawn to him, she gets on really well with him, and she basically ends up marrying him and they have children together and they're like the perfect couple. And to me, there's a real lesson in that because I think attraction is so complex and when we're so fixed on a certain thing, like this thing is gonna make me happy, then we end up actually kind of turning our blinkers off, especially on dating apps. We turn our blinkers off to like, you know, the kinds of people that could actually be so much better suited for us if we weren't so steadfast on this idea of a type.

There is a kind of cynical viewpoint out there that people give up their type at the point at which they start to feel like they're running out of options.

Right, like it's a compromise.

Like, yeah, like their, they chase their type until they worry that they're losing time and they need to get a move on and they're starting to fear for the future. And then all of a sudden, they drop these Notions of type. I. Firstly, I think people use that as a kind of barbed insult. Right? Like, it's almost like a haha. You. had all of these standards, and then the moment that you started to run out of options, you had to give them all up and be like everybody else. It's like, it's always said with a nasty edge when people say that. I happen to think that if time and experience and a sense of giving oneself over to the realities of time, that it's if time is the thing that makes you realize that there is no perfect solution to, you know, everything you've ever wanted in every way.

Rude.

And if it makes you say, Not you sweet.

Tread carefully, sir.

Not you sweet.

If.

If time is the thing that makes you start realizing what's not that important, then more power to you. Like, I don't see that as settling. I see it as maturity. Yeah, I I don't. I I think shame, like, whoever is out there saying that as some kind of, like, insult, like, that's a reflection of. your unhappiness. But for the person who actually is starting to get more highly tuned to what's important as a result of uncertainty or time or realizing, you know, that's a good thing, I think. And I wonder the reason I thought of this is because I wonder to your point, Audrey, if there's a way for people to get there sooner so that it doesn't, time isn't the thing that has to like come crashing down on them as a reality for them to say, maybe there's more important things than like ticking every box that I had on my list when I was 25. Maybe I could come to that realization a little sooner. And are there ways that people could come to that realization a little sooner of, What's actually important?

Well, I think there is that distinction between optimizing and satisficing and like optimizing is trying to trying to max out on everything or get everything. And, you know, you talked about maturing that can be seen as settling. But the the opposite scenario is quite dark as well, which is someone like there's a cliche of someone who's just endlessly going, oh yeah, but they don't have that specific thing I wanted.

They never give up.

They have all these brilliant things, but I wanted them to also have a master's degree, or I wanted them also to have this kind of hair. I wanted them to also have this look at this height. And that's also a dark scenario of the person who is, like, perpetually dissatisfied.

And.

And I think, yeah, you need a sense of what things you can have things you're attracted to. That's perfectly okay. You're obviously going to have things you prefer and that you're drawn to, but knowing what's enough. in each area, like what's enough of that? And on a deeper level, I think this is where the whole thing of type gets, you have to go a level deeper because there's like the things you think you like are like what I call halo qualities, where they might be great, but there's this thing in psychology called the halo effect, which means that when you see one thing you really like in someone that's important to you, you project it, you project them to have all kinds of other qualities. So you go, oh, they're intelligent and ambitious, so therefore they'll be a great father. They'll also be great to spend time with. They'll be great on vacation. You know, they'll be loving.

And so now you put them on a pedestal for a bunch of things that aren't even necessarily real.

Right. So you've kind of, like, projected forward based on a few things, and that's where the danger is, I think, of that kind of type.

And.

And then I think of it as. you have a relational type. There's like halo qualities and relational qualities. And relational qualities, and this gets into an article I read, talks more about how they make you feel. How are they on that vacation? How is it when even the ambitious person comes home and spends time with you? How do you get on when you both go to a party? Does one of you get stroppy and start arguments or is short with people and oh my god, like this person's impressive but this really frustrates me, the way they talk to people around me or my family. So I think that's where you can. The surface level of type is just looking at a grab bag of traits and thinking, like, can I get all of those? But I think the maturity comes in saying, you're obviously gonna have a pool. I'm attracted to this pool of people, but within those, within those, you're gonna miss things that you might have liked. You're going to miss things that you might have said on paper. I want it. You're going to have to let go of certain things.

I also think that even the idea of this pool of people that we're attracted to is a very rear view mirror perspective. What we're saying is who I've been attracted to in the past.

Yes.

And to me, that's like the favorite food argument. Tell me your favorite food.

Pizza.

Okay. It was rhetorical. I'm sorry. Now, that's maybe a bad example because pizza is pizza. But we all have a favorite food we haven't tried. Right? We all have a dish. that's our new favorite dish that we haven't tried yet. And I mean, I'll give you an example. Chet, who is one of our leaders in our organization, he flew out to LA recently, told me about, he's been telling me about this place for months. I think he even mentioned it to me like two or three years ago, back when he lived in LA. He was talking about this place in Glendale. It's called Regent's Coffee. And he was like, this place, you've got to try the coffee there. It's incredible. Like they have this special this and that and whatever. And he was like, he said something about it like aged in whiskey barrels or whatever. And I was like, oh, cool. That sounds, sounds cool. Never thought about it again. Never went, had no desire to go try it. I was just like, yeah, cool. I got bought like a little flask of cold brew.

Well, we got bought a little flask of cold brew, but you drank the whole thing.

Okay, let me come back. I'll circle back to that, 'cause that's the way you portrayed me in this story is wrong. I put the cold brew in the fridge. One morning I woke up and I had a sip of this cold brew that was whiskey barrel aged. Cold brew coffee. It's non-alcoholic. But I tried it and it was just delicious. I was like, you don't know this yet, but I've just ordered like 12 flasks of this. Oh, maybe I'll get to try it.

You didn't want it. I did.

I didn't get it. I gave you a sip and you said, I don't like it. It tastes like whiskey. I can't believe you don't remember this. You were on the sofa and I.

Gave you a sip.

So I think that's a no.

You're not getting any.

That's, you tried it?

No, I asked if it was alcoholic.

And I said no.

Yeah, that was a good answer.

And then you tried it and you were like, oh, that's not for me.

I didn't say that, did you?

Something, some stuff going on here. Anyway, I've got all this, like, this is now my new favorite coffee. I'm so excited about it. Didn't, I, not only, it wasn't just like I didn't know it existed. I even got told it existed. and didn't care. And people were the same way. You don't know who your next favorite food is in your love life until you've met them. And when you meet them, you have no idea what form that's going to come in. But I think one of the real challenges of dating today is that we're not We're not trying different. We're like kids who have already decided that their favorite food is spaghetti and fish fingers. And it's like, you know, when someone says, like, my kid only eats spaghetti and pizza and fish fingers, and they won't eat anything else. It is kind of like we have a ton of people like that in dating right now who've just, they're like, no, no, no, I only like spaghetti. But you need to go and taste things.

And I think as well, the more you date, I remember when I was single and I was dating, I forced myself to date different kinds of people. Because the more you do it, the more you kind of expand your horizon for what other people are out there.

Was I one of the ones you had to force?

No.

Did you have to force... I'm gonna force myself. to go on a date with this person.

But it wasn't forcing, it wasn't like in general, not with you, not at all. But like it wasn't even forcing myself. It was more like, oh, I wouldn't necessarily go for this kind of person, but I'm gonna see. Because then what you do is you build new points of reference for like what it's like to date different kinds of people. And then what you find is even if in the beginning you're like, oh, this is really unusual. I'm used to someone who's more like this. After a while, after you've dated two or three people who are different, you no longer feel so fixed on this other thing because you almost see that other things exist, if that makes sense. It's like even just it serves the purpose of broadening your horizon and seeing different qualities and different people that you wouldn't normally see otherwise if you're just sticking to one type.

And some traits that might have seemed just normal for you in a relationship, you'll have gotten used to. Like you'll have gotten used to Someone who's very possessive and jealous because they're passionate, but they're very like... They're always wondering what you're doing, jealous, possessive. And then you date someone who's very independent and it's like, oh, this was possible. Like it was possible for this to be a thing. But you kind of have to expand your world to see, oh, there are people who aren't like that that I've dated before.

Exactly. It's a whole new world. And I think it's especially true If you know, if you're listening and you know that your type is like not necessarily good, you know, there's a, there was that meme that came out with a picture of the guy from the Bear and it was like, this guy looks like the kind of guy that I've been going to therapy. What was it?

It was like, this is like the guy I've been going to therapy to stop dating.

Yeah, exactly.

What's his name, Jeremy? Is it Jeremy?

Jeremy something.

Who's the bear?

His name's Cali in the show.

Cali.

Yeah. But he, but yeah, like, like your type sometimes is also just not the best because maybe like what you're drawn to, you know, when you said like people on dating apps are like, I want to date a banker or a trader or whatever. And it's like when you see that you just think, well, that's not a great type to have. Like, I'm not saying no shade on bankers. Like, there's great bankers out there, but that's not like a good just kind of filter to be choosing your life partner through, which is like they need to work in banking. And in that sense, I think, like, our types can sometimes actually be the reason why we stay single for so long and why we don't find something that's meaningful, because we're just really stuck on, like, these very superficial traits. You know, we'll be stuck on Charisma, on, like, someone looking a certain way, someone earning money and, like, earning a certain kind of money or. like, just having, like, I don't know, being like center of attention, like these kinds of traits sweeping you off your feet. And I don't really think that those make for those are great if you can find them in an amazing partner who also has, like, all these other really valuable traits that you actually need to be happy. But I don't even think that, yeah, I don't think that those are gonna make you happy. And I think that sometimes our type can actually keep us from the right people for us. And this is a really beautiful segue into our Love Lifeline. We actually went out to our Love Life members and asked them to send in their questions, and they did. So we're gonna do this every episode, aren't we? We're gonna go out to our Love Life members, get them to send in some questions, and we're gonna pick some questions to answer live on the show.

Who do we have today?

We have the lovely Karen and Karen sent in a voice note. Hey, Matthew, Stephen and Audrey. So my question is, if my usual type is someone who's similar to me, but also for a bit of balance, someone who compliments me, so maybe someone who's outgoing and outdoorsy and sporty, things that I'm not so much of, but should I date them if the things that make them different to me or that balance me out are things that would actually intimidate me. And things that would make me just a bit insecure all the time because I might not be exactly what they're looking for.

Hmm. Interesting question. I... And that was from Karen. It's an interesting framing that question, Karen, because you didn't say, I happen to think one of the great joys of a relationship is that you introduce each other to new worlds, sometimes new experiences, new ways of thinking. that can be very beautiful thing. And of course, some aspects of that are easier than others. If you come with a different set of movies that you love and I get exposed to, you know, French Cinema, and I go, that's lovely.

Yes.

Amazing. That's not something that necessarily challenges me other than to just say yes to something new. There are other qualities someone can have that may well challenge you if they move through a party a little easier than you do, if they are more in touch with their feelings than you are. And that invites you out of yourself or into yourself might be a better way of putting it to have to express yourself more in order to speak that language. with a person. So long as you are willing to go there, that can be one of the greatest experiences you'll ever have. And I think that's part of the magic of a relationship, is that one plus one equals three of it all. You expand as a result. The framing of it, Karen, was what if it makes me a bit insecure all of the time? and that seems, or that seems to me like a bit of a telltale sign of something not being right, either not being right within ourselves or not being right in their level of acceptance of us. Because, okay, let's, let's think of some things that could make us a bit insecure all the time. Okay, a not so great one is they're a massive flirt with everyone and you are equating instead of saying I'm an introvert and they're more of an extrovert, which can work in relationships. That's not the same thing as I'm an introvert and they're a massive flirt. That's not a difference that we're necessarily if we would that's not a difference that you'd look at and go, I'm the problem because I'm intimidated by this. It's a difference where you go, well, maybe this isn't a reflection of their extroversion. It's a reflection of we have different values. They. I value being really respectful to my partner and a high degree of loyalty in the way I speak to other people. And this person does not. So now you might be feeling a bit insecure all the time, but it's not for reasons that you should. shame yourself about is because you have different values in that department.

I wonder if Karen, though, potentially meant insecure because they have traits, like, for instance, if they're sporty, it makes her feel bad about herself if she's not sporty, because it highlights something in her.

So, so, so that's the, that's exactly where I was going, is that if, if someone is different in a way that's not bad, but it provoKes an insecurity in us, that can be a sign of one of two things. It can be firstly on their part, a lack of acceptance. Because if we feel like someone is a certain way and they're always trying to change us to be more like that, then we don't feel accepted and we start to feel at risk. Like if I don't change, to become more sporty or more outdoorsy, they're not gonna want me anymore. And sometimes that comes from the other person. We notice the ways that, you know, they were initially attracted to us, but now it annoys them. It bugs them that we're not more like them in that department. But I would argue that a sign of a right relationship is one where you can be affectionate and laugh about your differences. not one where you're trying to change the other person to be more like you in that department. So it could come from them that you're feeling insecure. Now, if you say there's nothing they're doing that is making me feel like they're not having Jabs at me for not being more outdoorsy, I just have this deep feeling of. I'm not making them happy. I'm not pleasing them. Then we should explore that in ourselves and say, where does this come from for me? Is there a pleaser streak in me that makes me feel like in order to be liked by this person, I have to do what they want to do all the time? And that I can't just be me. What's the fear there? And by the way, sometimes it's really helpful to communicate that fear to a person. like, I can I share something with you? Sometimes I worry that you're outdoorsy and I'm not, and that that bothers you, but I might be completely wrong about that. But sometimes it's on my mind. And an understanding person will be like, oh my God, I don't need you to be that. That's my thing. And frankly, it's fun for, you know, like that's time where I get to go and hang out with my friends anyway. So, I enjoy it. It, like, is a fun thing for me to go and do with my friends. I have people in my life I do that with. I don't need you to be more of that. Yeah. If we still feel insecure at the end of that, then we have to say, okay, so there's a pattern here in me that is constantly feeling uneasy with doing some bit with essentially. leaning into who I am, that I have some kind of what it for me, Karen, when I listen to you, what I get a little bit of is a lack of self-acceptance of how of the way you are that is like already getting insecure about a relationship that hasn't happened yet. you're already looking at what if I'm not enough of XYZ for somebody else? And a lot of that comes down to, I haven't really accepted what I like to do in life, what I enjoy doing the way I like living. And that lack of self-acceptance then gets reflected in, what if I get with someone and their differences make me insecure all the time?

Yeah.

I literally wrote down, like, ownership of who you are. So I'm really, really glad that you said that. I think just listening to Karen, and I think so many people will relate to this feeling. I know I do. When we are out there dating and we're looking for somebody, we're so afraid of being left and rejected, and we're so afraid that, like, people will go, oh, actually, like, I see you and like, you're not quite enough of this or you're not quite enough of that. Or like, yeah, I kind of wanted someone who was a bit more like this. But you said this before, which I think is so powerful. People basically think what you tell them to think about you. And Karen, you know, when you're going into dating and relationships, if you are going in with this kind of almost energy of hedging already from the get-go going like, oh, what if they think that's not enough that I'm like this? And what if I'm with someone and they're a little bit more successful than me, a bit more sporty than me, a bit more outdoors, whatever it might be, you're already almost kind of telling them what to think of you before they've made up a decision about you. I think of Jesse Itzler and Sarah Blakely. Because they are like so different as a couple. And Sarah Blakely has so much going on for herself. She's obviously incredibly successful and amazing, but she obviously just has her own interests and has so much that she loves to do, that is completely independent of Jesse. And Jesse has his own interest that he really loves to do. And Jesse has his own thing that he loves to do, and he loves to do all these crazy endurance sports and whatever. and they're completely different in terms of their interests.

For those of you that don't know, like, their Instagram posts couldn't be more different. His idea of a good time is, you know, traveling around the world doing extreme things. Ultraman at Ultraman, like, Ultramarathons and things like this. And his, her version of a good time is like, hanging out with girlfriends. Yeah. Or getting a room at a spa for a weekend and eating peanut M&Ms on the bed.

Exactly. And, but she didn't go into that relationship, I'm assuming, going, oh, what if I'm not sporty enough for Jesse? She kind of went into it going, I'm Sarah Blakely. I'm good. Like, I am who I am and I'm proud of who I am and I'm comfortable with who I am. And, like, I think that we should just all channel that kind of our inner Sarah Blakely when it comes to dating. Because, you know, Karen, if you're already going into it unsure that somebody is going to be, is going to think that you're not enough. That's because there's obviously something inside of you that already feels that, you know, you already feel like you're not enough to begin with. And that is, that is a very dangerous thing to be leading with when you're meeting new people because people are really looking for cues from you on how to, what to think about you.

I definitely remember, you know, you, I used to feel more pressure when dating to conform. Or less accepting of my own traits. Like, I jokingly call myself an indoor cat.

You are an indoor cat.

I like reading, I like movies, I.

Like... You like falling asleep on our sofa.

I like doing stuff at home. Like, I'm a purr.

You're a big purr-er.

I do purr. Yeah, I like spending time indoors, and I do stuff. But it's not, I'm not mountain climbing every weekend. I'm not going and doing extreme things all the time. And I used to feel more like, oh, I might have to pretend to be this guy a bit more because, you know, that might not be someone else's type. And there's a great freedom when you can say, like, you don't even need someone to be exactly that type, but when you can go, if they can accept that, then like, it's fine. I don't, I don't need to feel like I have to justify it. I don't feel like I have to be someone else. There's someone else for that person who wants mountain climbing every weekend. There's someone else for them. And when you can just kind of embrace that and let it go, it's very, very freeing. And I do agree that, yeah, there's times when it's good to say yes to the unknown. Like some, some relationships make you a bit more vulnerable because I, it's, this is asking me to grow a bit more or to try something I haven't tried, or this person's a bit more adventurous and let's try that. But again, I come back to the relational thing. How do they make you feel about your preferences? How accepting are they of who you are? How much do they try and change you? Those things become more important, I think, than, you know, Us always being into the same thing.

If your insecurity is coming from a place of... There being, like, the idea of someone being something in a certain area is kind of, like, triggering something in you that feels like latent potential. Feels like something you've been ignoring. then listen to that too, because it might be that there's something in you that you're shying away from and you're worried like you're gonna come into, you're gonna come face to face with someone who highlights a part of you that you wish you had worked on more. And if that's the case, work on it now. Like start thinking about what that thing is. If you, if, let's say you're an introvert and you're much more comfortable at home or doing your own thing or being in small groups, that's fine. But are there ways you feel like you are holding yourself back either socially or in being brave? in your confidence that are actually just important for their own sake for you to work on. Because if you do that, you won't, you'll feel like you're fulfilling that part of yourself and you're no longer, someone won't trigger that fear, that insecurity in you because you'll feel like, no, but I am doing it. I'm not, I may not be doing someone else's version of going out three nights a week and having a full social calendar because I don't need all of that. But maybe I do feel like I'm holding myself back a bit and I'm using my introversion as an excuse to hold myself back. And maybe that's something I need to address now. Because if I'm proud of myself in that area, and I do it in my way, in a way that's right for me, but if I become proud of myself and my progress in that area, When I then come face to face with someone who really embodies that characteristic, my feeling won't be insecurity. It will just be an acknowledgement of, oh, we're different in this department. But I'm proud of myself in this department. We're different, but I'm proud of the me that I am in this department. Not, we're different and I'm insecure about the me that I am in this department. It can also be, it can be an invitation into self-acceptance of the way you are different from certain people and that being okay. But it can also be an invitation into maybe some part of yourself that you're neglecting right now that you're afraid is going to confront you when you're out there dating people who are either more natural in that area or who have actually already faced that area within themselves.

I love that point so much. Use the insecurity as fuel to become an even better version of yourself.

Yeah.

Well, if an introvert like me can go and do stand-up comedy and expand their world, then anyone can go and do it. Well, thank you to Karen for her question. Thank you so much. We appreciate it.

Thank you so much, Karen. We appreciate you taking us up on the opportunity as a Love Life member to ask a question.

On the podcast.

So shall we go to our brand new feature?

Yes, please. What is it?

Can we know what it's called now?

The wondrous easel.

Stevie's. Stephen can evil's glorious magical easel.

No, David is going to come over and I'm going to show you what it's called. This feature is called. Compatibly ever after.

Oh, that's very good.

So, guys, speaking of types and who should end up with who...

Wait, we should describe for the people who are listening on audio what we're looking at here. We're looking at an easel.

It's not an easel, it's a flip chart. We are looking at a flip chart, and on the left-hand side it says, Compatibly ever after. And then on the right-hand side of the table, it says, It was always a fairy tale.

So, what we're gonna do, guys, I'm gonna play a little game. I've got some pictures here of Disney couples. They're not all Disney. They're not all Disney. They're animated couples.

Now, as you show me these, should I be describing them?

Oh, we can just say who they are.

Oh, okay, fair enough.

I'll know who the characters are.

I was just thinking for the audience.

At home who's listening. No, I'm going to say some famous characters, couples, and you're going to tell me if they are compatibly ever after or if it was always a fairy tale and it's not. They ended up with the wrong type. Okay, got it. So who ended up with their type and who didn't?

Oh, this is good.

I like this. Well, who ended up? Is it their type or is it who ended up with the right person for them?

Like their type.

They're type.

Like, let's put the right. Are they with the right type?

Let's start with David and his girlfriend. That slap right there. Hey, compatibly ever after. Very good.

All right, guys, first up, Princess Jasmine and Aladdin.

Oh, compatibly ever after.

He is pretending to be a prince. Like he never was a prince. and they're from...

It has sort of started, you know the way someone says, like, they lied about their height on their profile. It sort of started that way with Aladdin.

Started a little toxic.

Because he's not... What does he pretend to be? A sultan or a prince? A prince. Oh, he pretends to be a prince. Yeah, that's right. And that's not true. So it's not a great way to start. She definitely has a highly unrelatable life.

To him, but the attraction is very real.

The attraction is very real.

They look good together.

He's got to adapt to quite a different life. So there's the compatibility.

Well, the genie gave him that, so...

The genie?

The genie gave him that life, didn't he?

Well, not really. The genie gave him, like, some elephants. I.

Think he made him a natural.

The genie didn't say, Here's 20 years of having lived this life so that you know what it's like.

So you think he won't adapt to palace life? That's your...

I want to believe that he will adapt to palace life. So I think I'll say, compatibly ever are... I feel like what's gonna happen is he's gonna be... He's gonna be... He is a whole new world. He is a whole new world for Aladdin more than for Jasmine. 'Cause he really, really, that song is about him showing her a whole new world. he's the one really going into a whole new world. It's not like she's moving into the slums with him, with a monkey and trying to like find some bread. He's moving into a palace. So the whole new world is his. I think there's going to be some awkward like moments at the dinner table where she's a bit like, can you learn what fork to use?

Right.

And that, you know, this is a 12 course dinner. Can you stop eating like that?

Okay.

But I think he'll, I think he'll adapt.

He's going compatibly. It doesn't sound like.

Yeah, but I don't want to ruin Aladdin. I don't want to ruin Aladdin. No, I'm not ruining. Well, I'm not starting with ruining Aladdin. I love Aladdin.

So. Okay, guys, Hercules and Meg.

Ooh, I have beef with Meg.

Yeah, you've always had a problem with me.

Do you think this can actually work? So, he's a bit of a hunky himbo. She is a tough...

So this is Disney's Hercules.

Disney's Hercules.

Audrey, you should probably explain what part of the story you don't like about this.

Well, she uses him to get her soul back, and she tries to trick him to become mortal. and lies to him in order to get out of the contract with Hades because Hades has her soul or something. And I think that's a really terrible foot to start on. And yeah, she changes her mind and then sacrifices herself. But I also just think like, I don't, I don't like it.

She gave her life.

She did give her life. I mean, she's sort of, you know, she's shown she's serious.

I just wonder are their personalities compatible truly?

He does sort of, is he gonna.

Be interesting enough for her beyond the God stuff?

Right. You think he's a bit of a dope?

I just think she might want a lot more mental stimulation than he is gonna give her.

And he did, he liked her a lot when she was sort of a damsel in distress. Yeah. And she's at some point, she's not gonna be a damsel in distress.

He sort of wanted to see her more as a damsel.

He's gonna have to adapt to the fact that she's now his equal, not Someone who he needs to save.

But I don't know. She saw past all the muscles.

But they... But they both made, like, the ultimate sacrifice for each other.

They did.

She sacrificed her life. He risked his life in saving her.

Okay.

So, they've both been through, like, hell for each other. So, they already know, like, when the chips are down.

With it.

I would argue Aladdin and Jasmine. Well, Jasmine does know Aladdin would be there when the chips down because he goes and fights the giant snake and everything. Oh, she does as well. No, it's all good. Still. We're still good on Aladdin and Jasmine. I'm gonna put the Herc and Meg incompatibly ever after.

Don't agree. Also, Meg and Meg just wants to feel safe.

I think David, because she got really messed up. I think David did float.

Would she have been better with Hades?

Hades, ultimately.

Would she have been better with Hades?

Yeah, because it's like, not, not would she have been better with Hades, but would she, like, in, in, in her, her dealings with Hades, she's used to this level of stimulation and kind of, like, bad boy-ness that Hercules simple, simply will never provide.

Like, Hades has got more Edge and she's, you're saying she's.

She's witty.

You're saying Meg has got trauma.

Yes.

She's looking for that like edgy sort.

Of... She's like a New Yorker. Herk is like a kind of Midwest boy. Yes. Hades is like another street-smart New Yorker.

Yeah, that's true.

I actually think that Hades is more of the type, but it's the story of breaking away from that. And, you know, finding someone that really makes a sacrifice for you.

Exactly. I think she's grown.

All right. Well, let's move through these because we've got a few.

Quick one.

Mermaid and Prince Eric.

I think it was always a fairy tale.

No. Gets a lot of hate online, this one.

Does it?

Yeah, because he never, you know, he never heard her speak. He fell in love with her without even needing to ask her any questions.

Right.

And as me and David were discussing, he is the first non-fish man she has ever seen in her life.

So she's a liability.

She has not explored many worlds.

I would be scared if I was Eric.

She has not explored many worlds.

Because she's not, once she's up on the land for a little while, she might start going to a few parties.

Yeah, but Eric's pretty hunky, so I think he's fine. He's like the best looking Disney prince.

I worry for them that she's like... It's a bit like she's just left everything she knows and cares about to just be in a different land. And, you know, he's not actually had to, like, meet her halfway at all. I suppose he spends a lot of time on the ocean.

I think he's on a boat. I think he can't believe his luck that he's sort of bagged her, but... She's his first, he's her first experience. Right. You know.

All right. It was always a fairy tale.

It was always a fairy tale.

Sorry, guys.

Destroyed the Little Mermaid. Well done.

Worley and Eva.

Oh, compatibility ever after forever.

Yeah, compatibility ever after. And what a great example of them- He's not intimidated. They shouldn't be each other's type at all.

He is not intimidated by Eva and she is, you know, much more advanced.

Yeah, but she loves his authenticity and sincerity.

That's true.

So I have a compatibly ever after. That's an easy one. Yeah. Never would have put... Wall-E was never going on the right side of that board.

Buzz and Jessie.

Do they end up together?

Toy Story, Buzz and Jessie. They're a b couple of the film, but... Yeah.

Uh,... Do I believe giant Buzz and Jessie?

I think they have an adorable relationship. But she sort of finds Buzz cute, like his pompousness and seriousness. She sort of finds it adorable.

Yeah, and she's like perfect, 'cause she can sort of cut through it with her, like, wit, and, you know, She's.

The more goofy one in the couple, and like out there and Buzz is.

A bit more like... She's irreverent. He takes himself a bit too seriously. I'm going compatibly ever after.

Okay, Beauty and the Beast.

Well, people love to hate on this one too, don't they?

People do hate on the kidnapping part of the story. Holding a woman hostage.

Yes.

Yes.

As I think you pointed out recently, if you just swap him for Dracula, it's way worse. It's a problem. But because we love animals, feels fine.

I think compatibly ever after. I'm going to give you my logic.

They end up because it's French.

Exactly. No, they end up. the reason they end up together, he knows his rose is about to die and he's going to be a beast forever, but he just goes, you should go. And he sacrifices because that's what you do when you're truly in love with somebody. And the only reason he gets brought back to life is because she loves him and she cries on him. So they are truly in love. And I actually think that they've changed each other in a good way, especially she's changed him in a good way and made him a bit more warm and a bit more open-hearted. So I'm ruing for them.

It's hard though, isn't it? Because she's got to get used to like a whole new look, right, as she falls in love with him.

Well, there is a joke people say where when she has a face, when he turns into a human, as if she's like disappointed.

Yeah, because he was really not what you wanted him to be when he.

Turned into the prince.

What's that?

I don't know if everyone else feels this way. Dating is blind, what is it? Love is blind. Love is blind. Love is blind. Love is blind.

Yeah.

He steps out and she goes, oh.

So is it going the middle?

No, it goes. Let's go compatibly ever after. I can't. Even for mum, I can't. I can't ruin Beauty and the Beast.

Favorite. Her favorite movie. Okay, just a few more.

Anna and Kristoff. Frozen. Frozen. Anna and Kristoff.

I I like this one, but I always felt like she.

I feel like she's not that into him. She never really, like, shows. I don't feel like she shows a lot of, like, affection for him or chemistry.

I agree with that.

I don't know if I believe it on his side, but I feel a bit sorry for him because I want her to sort of, like, want him a bit more.

They have a whole song about how he's a bit of a schlub and needs a sort of shower and a clean up. Yeah. And it's trolls that are saying.

Right, if a troll is telling you.

To have a shower, he's literally getting roasted by trolls in the comments in the film.

Well, now I'm thinking it's his fault. I think that's a, it was always a fairy tale.

I think they break up a bit. I think she gets a bit fed up eventually.

Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna go, it was always, it was always a fairy tale.

I mean, yeah, that means she lost two guys in that movie.

Yeah, I agree.

Okay. Wow. It's brutal.

Shrek and Fiona.

I mean, that can't be compatibly ever after. She becomes an ogre for him.

I mean, they did get married and end up together. I think that's covered.

Yeah, they're like old school OG.

They're still together.

They're still together, exactly.

This is good. I like this game.

Jafar and Hades.

Sorry.

By the way, when I looked this up to put out the video, I searched Jafar and Hades and was pleasantly surprised to find that the internet had already imagined this.

So is this, are we shipping them? Like, whether we ship Jafar and Hades?

I think it's just, would it work?

No, two narcissists together. It will be like passionate to begin with, and then they'll fall out and they'll end up hating each other.

I think this works.

Oh, okay.

I think because Hades is a joker. Hades is a wisecracker.

He's very serious. They're very serious, but he's sort of Hades brings out the playful side of Jafar in a way no one else does. And Jafar really accepts Hades and like, he's Hades offends everyone at the party, but Jafar is like, he's mine. I love him.

Yeah.

Like, he's not, he's my man. He's the Lord of the Underworld. Yeah, he's like, you know, oh, God, here he goes. He's one of his and like he's sort of rolling his eyes at the dinner party, but he loves him, you know? It's like, and it works. I think this works. I think that might be the one that works the best.

More than Wally and Eva?

Not more than Wally and Eva, but like, it's, I just see that working.

Yeah.

I see them being an old gay couple that are just very, very happy.

I can see that. Uh, two more. Gaston and Maleficent. Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Maleficent from. What's Maleficent from? Snow. No, not Snow White. Sleeping Beauty.

Sleeping Beauty.

This does not work.

This does not work.

I can't speak a lot for Maleficent because I don't know much. I feel like I don't know much about her other than she's clearly quite evil.

You think Gaston infuriates her within 10 minutes?

I I think the reason this doesn't work is Gaston ends up dead. He is a dumb narcissist who is, and she is playing 4D chess. She will eat him alive. He's dead in a year.

In one moment of one moment of anger, he like shoves her, She just vaporizes him within a second.

He'll kill himself somehow. She'll figure out a way for him to do something. She won't even be implicated. She won't even be implicated. He's done.

And he makes fun of Re, like she's clearly fathoms smarter than him. It's just, yeah.

No, this is bad. It was always a fairy tale for the sake of Gaston. You can't encourage that.

Last one, Scar and Ursula. Ursula from the Little Mermaid, Scar from the Lion King.

Hmm.

So just to be clear, an octopus woman. Yeah. And a lion.

Yes.

But if you're looking on, like, personality.

I actually think they're both sly sort of cynics. You slight oily characters. She quite literally oily, I think.

It sort of works better as a business partnership than a relationship. They would make good business partners, but I just... Or maybe they both call.

And bitch to each other about it.

Yeah, yeah, that's it. They're like girlfriends. Like Catty, who like... People call each other, and they're like, you,'ll never guess what... What the fuss has done today. she's like, I hate that guy. She's like, what has he done?

She's like, chuckling. Like, yeah, yeah.

He's like, he just said the most Earnest. Mufasa said the most Earnest thing today, and I just made me throw up, and she's like, oh, God, I can't stand him.

So they make each other chuckle, so that's. They're compatible, but not as a relationship.

Yeah. Maybe it's our one middle.

Maybe that's the middle.

That's quite, I think, comparably ever after. I think comparably ever after, but as like just two friends.

That's sexual love.

Love to call and goss.

No sexual, a sexless marriage.

It's not even, it's just... They're both, I think they're both... Like not finding it. Yeah, compatibly ever after.

There we go.

There we go, guys. So, okay, it's quite only three we said a hard no to. Eventually. And apparently Jafar and Hades are the most compatible for Disney.

That's my favorite one. That or that's my favorite one. That or. Worley or Ursula and Scar. Very good.

Oh, very good, guys. We've done it. I mean, thank you.

That was such a fun game.

Comparably Ever After is a, that is an absolute buy of a game. If that was a, if that, we should like create Comparably Ever After the board game.

It's hard to win. You don't really have a winner.

It's sort of, yeah, it's definitely more.

It'S more of a parlor, it's more of a conversation piece.

You're right. Well, let us know if you disagree with any of these. Can you, in fact, email podcast@matthewhussie.com and let us know if you think our analysis is right or if we've missed anything absolutely crucial and got it completely wrong. We would love to know. And if there are any, sort of couples that you likely or unlikely that you think belong in the compatibly ever after category that, you know, people would never imagine, but it actually works. Let us know your reasoning and who they are. We would love to hear from you. Podcast@matthewhussie.com subject line, compatibly ever after. Very good. Yes.

I have one wrinkle with the Hades Jafar one. Hades constantly hearing Jaffa! By the parrot. Yeah, okay. Like at a point that's gonna stop things, I feel like. I think Hades burns that parrot to a crisp.

Yeah.

And then that's gonna create a hole. I don't wanna go back to it. But that is like a really, like...

Interestingly, the parrot sounds a bit like a Hades impression.

Like, oh, he would hate that.

Yeah.

Gilbert, is it Godfrey? Gilbert Godfrey.

Gilbert Godfrey doing an impression of James Woods. Well, listen, we, before you go anywhere, we still need an, we need two names. We need a name for people who listen to this podcast, and we need a name for our Love Life members. and I just, I haven't come up with either. And I'm really, we need to know podcast@matthewhussie.com, let us know what you think that what's a good sort of way to refer to everyone in both groups. I'd love to know. But for everyone out there, whether you are a Love Life member or a podcast listener only, we want to invite you to come and join us on the retreat in October. It is happening on the 18th and 19th, and it's just going to be a fantastic two days. We're going to work on tools for managing our emotions. We're going to work on changing patterns that we've had for a lifetime that continues to sabotage us. We're going to work on our core confidence and our relationship with our self. It is going to be a truly immersive and profoundly impactful weekend for your life. And early bird tickets are only available until the 28th of March. So go and grab yours before the price goes up, which it will, and then it's not coming back down again. So, go to mHretreat.com to grab your ticket. Grab one for a friend, for someone you love. We look forward to seeing you in October. And of course, we look forward to speaking to you in the next episode of Love Life. Before we go, we did this last time and it went very well. People really enjoyed it. what are two questions that you think people would have as a result of this episode that they should go and ask Matthew AI right now? So for those of you that don't know Matthew AI is my counterpart. You can literally go and ask a question and hear my voice speaking back to you, or you can text if you'd prefer to text. And it's all my answers. 17 years of content has been put into Matthew AI. so when you get Matthew AI's answer, you're getting my answer.

Tips on how to choose the right person and how to like whether or not the person you're dating is actually the right person for you. Like what are the signs? How do you know?

So how do I know if the person I'm dating is the right person for me? Okay, askmh.com is the link. If you haven't got a membership to Matthew AI, you do if you haven't used it before, get a free question. In fact, you get three, three minutes of conversation. So ask that question. Stephen, what's yours?

I think you could ask, what are the most important things I have to have in common with someone in a relationship?

Okay, that's a really good one.

That's a good one. Ask it at askmh.com Thank you everybody for listening. This has been an absolute joy. Let us know what you think of the new format. Let us know what you're enjoying the most. We love hearing from you. We're still figuring this out. We are doing this every week now, so you can expect an episode like this every single week as part of the new format for the Love Life podcast with Stephen Hussey, Audrey Hussey, and me, Matthew Hussey. We will see you next time. Thank you so much for listening. Bye bye.