Should You Force a Friendship With An Ex?

Hi.

I'm Matthew Hussey. Welcome to Love Life. It's a privilege to be able to offer you bite-sized bits of advice on this podcast that you can use every day. But what if you're ready for a big transformation and you want to do it now? You want to reinvent your career or finally find lasting love or break free from the self-doubt that's holding you back from living the abundant life you were meant to live. If you're saying, Yes, Matt, that's me, I'm going to tell you exactly how to do just that at the end of today's show. So make sure you stay tuned. First, let's get to today's episode. We have a caller today. Paula, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here. How are you doing?

I'm great. And your name is Tyree, am I right?

Yeah, that's right. You pronounced it right, too. Cool.

Well, I'm very happy about that. Are you having a good day? Are you excited to be on the line?

I am. I'm excited. This is so cool.

I know. It's crazy. Fate has brought us together. What's your question?

All right, so my question was, there's this ex-boyfriend of mine, right? We've been broken up for like six months now. And I was wondering if it's cool to still be friends with the guy, if I kind of get like the feeling that he still likes me, he's still sort of into me, but I'm not. But then again, I'm afraid that, you know, he might get his hopes up about our friendship and then, you know, things are gonna start happening where I I don't want him to get that idea at all.

How often do you hang out?

We haven't hung out in six months.

Oh, you haven't?

No.

So are you intending to hang out?

Yeah.

Why?

Yeah. Soon. I don't know. I don't know. I wanted to talk to you before I hung out with him because I'm like, I don't know if it's a good idea. I don't know if I should go with some friends and have it not just be one on one or, you know, I have no clue.

The only thing I would question is your motive. Why are you doing it? I know what his motive is if you broke up with him and he still kind of wants to rekindle that, I understand that.

My motive is because throughout our breakup, I noticed he would consistently be talking to me, although I wouldn't respond. I would clearly give him the idea, hey, and I even told him in very nice ways and in very jerky ways too, where I was like, literally leave me alone, stop talking to me. But he would not, He would not stop. He just kept texting me and texting me and I'm like, man, I'm like, I don't know. He just, does he really just want to be my friend? And six months of that, that's crazy.

So what do you think? He still wants to be with you?

I think he wants to try out the friendship. And then, I don't know, but then I think that he, in the long run, he's going to end up trying to get back together again. That's what I think. But I want to be friends with him because that's the That's really cool of somebody to just kind of, you know, hang in there with me not even responding, giving them that time of day or anything for so long.

Is that cool?

What was that?

Is that cool?

Is what cool?

Hanging in there for so long when you don't text him or call him.

And sometimes I mean, is that cool on my behalf?

No, on his behalf.

I think that's nice, yeah.

Yeah, it's really nice. That's the problem. I mean, he should respect himself enough to get out there and meet people, right? And the thing that he's doing right now, the constant chasing after you, even if it's just for friendship, is perhaps not suggesting the right thing. I think for him, if he's continuously trying to force a friendship, which is something you shouldn't need to force, it's because he wants something.

Oh, really?

And by the way, I don't think that you need to slip back into the comfort of seeing this person. I'm not quite sure what you gain from it other than some sentiment and some wistful feelings about the past. I don't know what you can gain from it. Can you actually imagine being around this guy and talking about the new guy you went on a date with this week?

Exactly, exactly. I mean, I would feel comfortable with him telling me about a girl. I'd be like, oh, that's cool, you know?

I know, but that's irrelevant. How comfortable you are you would be around him talking about a girl is completely irrelevant because you know that the truth is you couldn't talk about another guy, could you?

Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Very true.

So this isn't. I don't think this is helping anybody. I don't think it helps you to be around a guy who may actually grow to. Because it might be that he just wants to be friends right now, but there's also a very high chance that he's still attracted to you or will become attracted to you and will get attached again, and then you're hurting someone fresh. How did it feel to hurt him the first time round?

Oh my God. Oh, so bad. So you don't want to have to go through that again.

You don't want to have to do it to him again. And by the way, it sucks to hurt somebody. So it's not just him you're going to be hurt and you're going to hurt yourself. Because you're going to have to hurt someone again. So why put yourself in that position again when you don't need to? There are enough friends out there. There are enough people out there to meet. And I would suggest that it's much easier for him to go through the growth process of me. If he needs a, if he really needs a friend, there are many more human beings out there. I'm sure you're incredibly special, but there are many more human beings out there that he can be friends with. He's not going to die if he doesn't have you as a friend.

Right. Exactly. Yeah.

And you're not going to die if you don't have him as a friend. Sometimes relation. I was reading something the other day that discussed the, the somewhat tragic situation that For most of the time, there's nowhere in between a relationship and complete coldness. There isn't an in between because anywhere in the middle either creates a new relationship or creates renewed feelings of coldness where someone doesn't get what they want.

Wow.

So for some, for some situations, there just isn't that in between much as you may wish it to be so. So I would say to you, go out there. meet new people, let him do the same. And you know what? If he can't be strong enough right now to make that decision for himself, at least be strong for him.

Okay. All right.

And you know what? By the way, that doesn't mean you can't be kind. It doesn't mean that you can't be a good person and respectful. And it doesn't mean that when you do bump into each other or speak, that you can't actually be on good terms and have a laugh together. But proactively seeking out time with that person, I would suggest, is not going to do any of you any good. And by the way, you can take it on yourself. You don't even have to make it about him. People don't like being told it's their fault that you can't be friends. So you can say to him, the fact is right now, I'm not sure that I can be close to you in that way because I know that it will make us revisit feelings of the past. And as much as I love spending time with you, and as much as you make me smile and laugh and all of those things, I don't think that it's good for us right now to be in that position. maybe at some point we can be, but just right now, I I still need that space. And I I really hope that you'll respect that, because I'm only saying this to you and being honest, because I respect you.

Oh, my gosh. That's great. Oh, thank you so much, Matthew. I really appreciate your advice.

You're so welcome, Tyree. Thank you for calling in.

No problem. Have a great day. Bye-bye.

You too. Now, if you said earlier, Yes, Matt, I'm ready for a big life transformation now, then I want to invite you to apply for my retreat program. Now, spots are limited, but if you're accepted onto the program, I'll lead you through a series of powerful coaching sessions and enlightening exercises that will remove every barrier standing in between you and the extraordinary life you deserve. You'll walk away with a practical set of tools to achieve the career, love, balance and fulfillment you've always wanted. To claim your spot for a phone interview with one of my expert mentors, just go to lovelifepodcast.com/retreat. Take care and I'll speak to you soon.