26 Dec 2022 · 5 min
A caller worries her dating standards are too high, especially wanting articulate communication. Matthew Hussey says kindness matters most, and suggests a quick 15-minute phone call to assess whether someone can express themselves clearly before meeting in person.
If I go on a date with someone and I feel like there's a mean edge to them, I'm out. Like, I'm just not interested.
Hey everyone, it's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life Podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're gonna enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out and don't forget, if you can leave us a review on iTunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right, let's get into the episode.
So I've been told that I have really high standards and my mom, of all people, told me, to lower my standards a little bit because I can be nitpicky a bit. Like, I can get a text message saying, how are you? But then it's spelled out with the letters R and U. And I'm like, oh, this is not gonna work out.
Yeah, no.
Because reading and writing is like a huge part of my life.
Sure.
And reading that kind of text message is like blasphemy for me.
So I get it.
In this context, should-- so what's your.
Question is when is your standard too high?
My question here would be in this context, should I listen to my mom and lower my standards?
Okay, there's two aspects to this. One is we have to look at, again, self-awareness. What are the things that are really important to me? I know that for me, kindness is everything. Everything. If I go on a date with someone and I feel like there's a mean edge to them. If I get on a date and they're already gossiping about people in a nasty way, I'm out. Like, I'm just not interested. It's not even that I'm sitting there judging someone intensely. Kindness is so, so, so important to me that it doesn't matter how attractive someone is in every other way. If they don't show that, I don't want to know. You have to decide what your deal breakers are. What are the things that you can't live without? And is someone saying, Ah, or you, a reflection of genuinely bad, a low level of eloquence? Is it really reflective of someone who cannot articulate ideas well, or is it someone just writing quickly? I guess we'll know when you go on a date with that person, right? And you see whether they can actually articulate their ideas. There might be a level of instant judgment that happens there that's not necessarily fair to impose on the person. I don't think you're totally wrong. I think sometimes, and often people who are shortening everything in that way may not value language to the same extent, but we don't know that. So you may want to say, okay, rather than me too early judge this, let me get on the phone. That's the other thing. Like, here's what I would do if I were you. I'd say, it's not really that someone says you that bothers me. What bothers me is if they're not articulate. What bothers me is if they can't express themselves well, if they don't have a good command of language. That's what bothers me. So how do I learn that quickly? And this is something I want to tell all of you because it's so important. I have a strong belief that not always, because I don't like rules. But as a principal, I think it's worth getting on the phone with someone before you go on a date with them.
Okay.
Because I can figure out on a 15-minute phone call whether I even want to go on a date with this person. And I'm gonna see if we actually have a vibe at all. FaceTime, even better. Like if I can actually get on a video call with someone and have that, even better. But some people are too scared to FaceTime. But if you can get on a video with someone, even better, because I'm now seeing if we have any rapport and it's going to save me a whole evening of my life. I would get on the phone with that guy, have a conversation, and see if this guy expresses himself in a way that's attractive to you. If he does, go on the date, ignore the text. If he doesn't, then you have a real answer, as opposed to trying to read so much into one little aspect. Makes sense?
Yeah, it does.
So the compromise between you and your mum is, all right, Ma, I'll get on the phone to him.
Oh, okay.
I'll speak to him on the phone. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna give him a whole night of my life right now. Yeah. All right, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for listening to the Love Life Podcast. If you haven't had a chance already, go and download my free guide, the Nine Texts@9texts.com It gives you nine specific text messages that you can send to create more attraction, have more flirtation, and just spice up your conversations with someone you like. Go to 9texts.com to download that free guide now. and I'll see you in the next episode of Love Life.
