The #1 Reason They Keep Losing Interest in You After 3 Months

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Stephen what do you know about three month curse in dating?

Oh, is this a spooky episode?

Oh, we should have done it for Halloween. We're too early. Well, I mean people put up their Halloween decorations. You know, stores have their Halloween merch months. Basically it's already there, isn't it? This is a Halloween episode. Now you and David were rummaging around on Reddit like the little Reddit monkeys you are and you found this particular post about the three month curse. Yes, this person says give me hope please. Not one to post that often, but I'm feeling particularly disheartened and could do with some hope and happy stories to read. I'm straight 32 year old female. My last long term relationship was 8 years ago. Admittedly I had some pretty major some traumatic life events that I've had to work through, have worked hard on my self esteem and mindset, had lots of therapy, moved to a new city, started my dream career. I am so so happy and proud of the life I've created. I don't need a relationship to be happy, but I would love to meet a like minded person to share my lovely life with. I'm quite a romantic affectionate person. It's that aspect that I miss. Regardless of whether I meet a guy in person or online, we never get past the three month mark. Hence la curse. No matter the person, the approach, the pace the circumstances. It never lasts longer than that. I'm aware it's common these days, particularly in online dating, but it is just so deflating. I'm trying not to take it personally and I'm making light of it by calling it Lucas, but it's beginning.

They say lookers.

No, I, I just added it, okay, because I have a French wife, but it's beginning to feel like a curse. I would love to hear anyone's stories who has experienced something similar, who eventually broke said curse and is in a happy long term relationship now. Just need some hope before I give up completely.

Well, you guys broke the curse and now you have a baby coming.

I don't think I ever experienced a three month curse. I certainly experienced like an 18 month, like a two year.

I was going to say. I think I more commonly had relationships end about 12, 18 months.

I, I was a real 18 month guy.

Oh, that 18 month.

There is, yeah, 18 months when I had doubts and I wasn't, I knew it wasn't the right relationship. I didn't, I didn't act on it once I knew, I didn't listen to myself.

I think like three months is deciding we are going to go past. You've probably been on a few dates by then, maybe even like seven or eight, slept over a few times, seeing each other more regularly. And I think then someone says, hold on, is this, is this a thing? And then the 18 month one is more like, is this person going to be my partner? Should we move in? Do I want to go there? Do I want to give them that kind of like certainty? Or do I actually now want to bail? And I feel like they're too like parachute moments.

18 months is definitely a parachute moment. I think sort of 18 months to two years, you're sort of like, am I, Are we, so are we doing this?

Yeah. Because three months, you haven't had enough to actually see everything about who they are. You haven't seen all their bad habits. You haven't seen what they're like to be with long term. Three months is where you're like, am I happy enough? Am I, do I like this person enough to actually start investing now and be exclusive and meet all their friends and do all the boyfriend girlfriend stuff.

So you think that's the curse?

Well, I think the curse is that people find it. That's the moment where they're most likely to get someone say, mmm, I don't see this going anywhere or they just drop off or they fade out.

But three months is kind of a Long time to do that, don't you guys think?

I think it depends how much you've been seeing each other in that three months. But I do think it's the time when, if you haven't already, you really start talking about relationships.

The thing is, it's possible to hide your intentions on both sides for the first three months. That's what I think. If you're the person who wants a relationship badly, it's possible for you to sort of shield someone from those intentions for three months while you just have a good time in dating and play cool and play it cool. If you're someone who definitely doesn't want a relationship, it's possible for you to hide that truth from someone for three months while you play romantic, while you play, you know, house. So it's on both sides. It's quite easy to just ignore differences in intentions during that time because you're both. It's like, you're both. You both have a license. That's the way I see it. It's like both. You have a license to not be heavy because you're just seeing where it goes and having a good time. And you. This is not the time for that yet. And they have a license to not be honest about the fact that they don't want a relationship because they're just seeing where it goes and having a fun time. And, you know, so it's like, you know, a three months in is that time where usually needs show up. Like, someone actually starts thinking, I'm kind of starting to get not happy knowing what. Not not knowing what this is.

And people are asking you, so are you with them?

Yeah. Yeah. Your friend. You're starting talking to your friends, and you keep saying, oh, I'm seeing this person. And they're like, so are they your boyfriend? Are they your girlfriend? Or that. What's going on? And you're like, oh, I don't. Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, we're seeing each other all the time and so on. And then you go away and a seed of doubt has been planted in your mind. And so now you go back to the person and you're like, so, you know, it was just my friends were asking the other day, like, about, you know, like, what we are. And I was like, oh, I'm not really sure, you know, and we had that conversation, so.

And then it ended. I relate to that. That happened to me.

The curse.

The curse has happened to me. But also, I think the. If the person doesn't want a relationship and they are coming across somebody who's playing it cool. It's kind of the perfect thing because then the person who's playing it cool isn't necessarily, you know, like expressing their needs along the way and then it's coming all at once in this kind of three months mark. Which is why everything then kind of falls apart at that point because it's the first time you actually express. By the way, I really like you and I think this could be something. Do you agree? Do you like me too?

And the more avoidant you are. And I don't mean avoidance just in this in the sense of they can be avoidant in the sense that they just don't want a relationship and they don't want to get close. But you can be avoidant in the sense that you don't want to have a hard conversation about what this is or you're afraid to get things you don't want. And the more you're both avoidant in that sense, you communicating and them with commitment, the more. The three month curse can be the six month curse or the nine month curse.

Well, we did put up a poll. We asked at what point do you see your relationships most commonly end? Less than a month. Three months? Six months? One year. And you know, there is something to be said for this curse. Le curse.

Because would curse be le or la.

In French it would be le, but I can't think of the word for it. It's not curse.

So there is something to look.

There is something to look because 17% of people said less than a month, 20% of people said six months, 27% people of people said one year and 37% of people said three months.

Wow, three months. Look us interesting.

So what is it? What is this? I actually, I actually don't intuitively because when we were doing this episode I was like, this makes intuitive sense. And I actually believe it to be true that a lot of relationships end around that time. But we were really trying to think about like what actually makes it so right. Like obviously the need stuff. Not communicating your needs early on enough. And they're doing it in such a way that by the time you, you know, it either organically evolves or you're able to have the conversation of what are we? Without it ending. But what other reasons do you think there's this real sticking point in that time?

Well, I, I truly believe that those are the big ones because it's a key kind of, that's a key make or break point, is when you actually see if your intentions are Aligned. And you can kind of call that a curse or you can just call it the most, one of the most difficult moments in dating.

It could just be a natural filter. Yeah, like, like you have a filter in the first date. You have a filter beyond that. Are you gonna say the phone and then the next filter is we're sleeping together and are we gonna be a thing?

That's such a good point.

First date filter is, do we. Am I attracted to you? Usually.

Are you attracted to me?

Yeah.

And are you attracted to me?

Green light.

Green light. You know that. Do we enjoy spending time together? Green light for date two and three and four. But there's like a certain point, it's all are our intentions aligned. And at that point someone is easy for someone to bail. Now look, you might say, because maybe this person is saying that the curse is not just that we get to three months in and I discover they don't want a relationship and that I do and they'd be happy to keep seeing me if I was willing to compromise on that and just see them casually, but I'm not. So then it ends. But I'm not necessarily reading that she says we never get past the three month mark, no matter what. It never lasts longer than that. She doesn't say why. And I'd be curious to know why that is. Because if someone is not wanting to continue seeing you pass the three month mark, then you and, and you're like, they don't even, they're not even trying to have the halfway house. They just don't want to see me anymore. Then I do think you have to kind of look at other factors.

Well, we actually asked people as a follow up question to our poll whether or not if they, you know, they had a specific time where things seem to go wrong, whether they could see a pattern emerging from their relationships, like what was going on and someone said, which you know, really kind of speaks to what you guys are saying. The pattern they noticed is when they finally ask for more, slash express their needs, they pull away or say that they can't give more. Which is interesting because it's the fact that you're expressing it at, at that moment in time that's suggestive of the fact that the, the moment after three months that I finally expressed my needs, that person doesn't, doesn't reciprocate. So in theory it's, if you're expressing your needs early on before the three month mark, you're probably going to be filtering out people sooner than that and then you wouldn't see it as a curse at that point.

Yeah, I totally agree. You know, that, that I think that's one of the answers to, to this, is that you, are you sharing thoughts and ideas and intentions and getting curious about each other along the way, or are you sort of going, that's all a conversation for another day. Let me just spend the next however many weeks and months enjoying this person's company. And I, I do think it's really, it's tricky because if you're seeing someone, let, let's just take a scenario. You're seeing someone. I think a good cadence to be seeing someone that you like is twice a week in the first, like three to four weeks. And by the way, by the time you get to week three, as long as you're not a long distance thing. And that gets tricky because then it's like we saw each other on week one, and then they were away for the next two weeks, and then we saw it. That's different. That kind of messes up the cadence, which is why long distance itself slows down. It should slow down a relationship if you're not. If you're in the same town.

You.

Know, you have a nice date with someone, you really enjoy each other's company. It was fun. You, you saw them on a Friday. When's the next time you're gonna see them? I, I mean, you might be the kind of person that says, let's do something next Friday. I, I know for me, in that scenario, I'd be like, if I like someone, I kind of want to see them tomorrow. I won't try, I won't push for that because, you know, I don't want to be too full on, but like, tomorrow would be the best time to see someone I just had a great time with. And, and if not, it would be like I'm kind of half joking, but not. But in real terms.

No, no, you're not joking. Because when you and I were first dating, I'm the same as you. And we were both like, see you tomorrow, see you tomorrow, see you tomorrow. And then we just saw each other like every single day.

You're both touch things, aren't you?

But listen, I'm not saying, I'm not saying that that's.

Don't do, don't do that, though. That's not a, that's not good model.

No, but my, the point I'm making is that there's nothing like, if you had a great date with someone that you don't have to wait a week to See them. You could be like, you had a great date on a Friday for sure. What are you doing the next few nights? We should do something again, you know, like, and if it's, oh, I'm free Monday night, let's do something Monday night. Like, and if you had a great time there, you'd probably be like, I'm around this weekend. If you wanted to hang, you know, you might see them again that week. So already you're in a cadence of a couple of times a week and you might be getting a cadence of more than that. So that, that's okay. Now you're seeing each other over the, over a four week period. Let's say you've seen each other eight times in four weeks and you're starting to like, that's enough time to start to get a real sense of each other. It's not enough time to know the character of a person because character, as we always say character gets revealed over time.

Well, three months is long enough for the master drop a bit. For three months, you start seeing little cracks.

If you're seeing someone regularly, three months is definitely enough for the mask to drop and, or for the mask to.

And that's when the avoidant will be like, they're not perfect. Like I thought.

Well, that's true. And that's an interesting. You're kind of bringing in another point here, which is like, if you are dating the kind of person who isn't ready for a real relationship, three months is enough time for that person to find something wrong with you. And someone who's not ready for a real relationship will bail when they find anything that's not ideal or it doesn't.

Perfectly suit their needs right now or like what they want right now.

Yeah, there's any, there's some form of compromise to be made or they, you know, there's a little thing that is like not exactly the way you'd want it to be or what? And you like just find a way to bail because you're like, ah, nah, this isn't it.

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That's like, I mean, it was a bit, it was very judgmental.

It was judgmental, but it's not petty. It's not like, not a day goes.

By when I don't think we could have worked.

He says to his six month pregnant wife.

This was for anyone who doesn't know this, this is a story of me having gone on a date with someone and learning that they had rats and me kind of just being like, as pets. As pets.

They didn't live in a filth. A filth den.

Yeah.

And by the way, it's an important displeasure.

Most people have rats that they're trying to take, you know, they're trying to figure out how to get rid of. So it's, I kept rats as pets and I, for whatever reason at the time was just a bit like, oh, I don't think this is for me. I didn't say that, but I just, you know we didn't see each other again. That was after date one. And I do think that was a very, that was a judgmental thing of me. But you know, I was young, I was not ready for a real relationship. I was finding any old excuse to rule someone out. I think I did that a lot. I think when I was younger I found all sorts of superficial, stupid reasons to not give it a proper.

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Hey, Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.

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But Mint's Premium Wireless is $15 a month. But I'd like to offer offer one other perk. We have no stores. That means no small talk crazy weather we're having. No, it's not. It's just weather. It is an introvert's dream. Give it a try@minmobile.com Switch upfront payment.

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Try I agree. Same.

And I think part of that is just that almost that feeling of when you're at a stage of your life where you're not yourself taking the process seriously and when you don't think that you're in any kind of hurry. And so there's almost, I think a slight arrogance and an entitlement to that stage of the process where you kind of feel entitled to just everything that you want.

Yeah.

And then if someone doesn't represent everything that you want, you sort of just go, you know, not. Not. I don't think this is it.

I feel like in 20 year old date this is from a subreddit dating over 30. But if I see a lot of videos from people who are like 20 and dating and it seems to be like even more ruthless early on.

Oh, twenties dating is ruthless.

Where it's just like they want to know income first. They want to like you know, status, job, compare height, you know, match up and what do you Do. Where's your prospects? And I'm like, that's like. It's like before they've even gone on the date.

Do you reckon, 22 year old, you would have. Would have found a reason to sort of like, just, you know, you. I reckon you would have had a bit of fun with me, but do you reckon, like, you would have found a reason to not settle at that point?

Oh, God, that's so hard to say. No, I think. Don't answer that.

I don't need to know.

No, I think. You know what I think it, I think might have made me go like, we're not quite the right match, is that.

I think it's already so painful.

I think I might have thought you were too serious, like, because you, like, work really hard and you're like. Which I am the same now. But I think when I was 22, I was just like, not about that life.

This is very triggering for me.

Matt literally, a minute ago said he. There's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about Rat Girl and whether it would have worked. And now he's getting all sensitive.

But I'm the same because someone once. Someone once actually said to me a very long time ago when I asked why we broke up, that it was because I was boring.

No, no, but I don't think you're boring. Okay.

You were a serious man from a young age. And young, fun Audrey, she was at festivals, she was partying. She was in the London club scene.

I would have tried. No, actually, I mean, yeah, I also.

Big time Stephen has his image of me. It's hilarious. No, but I did.

She was the toast of London and you were in your apartment trying to make YouTube videos.

That is not true.

He was more into the club scene.

I could have done the clubs.

You did.

You weren't for me.

But the festivals weren't for me.

Yeah, the festivals.

I just. I never. I did a couple and then I just was like, I think I'm done.

Like, I just didn't.

I didn't. The toilets, the tents.

It's a lifestyle choice.

Sweaty armpits everywhere. I just. It wasn't. It wasn't my thing.

That's fair enough. But I think. I think that would be the reason why I don't have that.

No, that was not. Yeah, well, you know what?

Yeah, but you probably would have gone, she's not serious. She's just like.

Probably.

She's just, like, having fun, partying. She's not taking her life seriously enough.

Yeah, that's what I would have been like. Guys, we are back in the UK right now and we are staying, me and Audrey, in my mum's guest room. And I love my mom's house for very much. But I'll tell you what, my mom's guest room does not have the silky bamboo sheets that we use from Cozy Earth when we are back in our home in Los Angeles and we haven't been sleeping as well. And there's even been a little bit of beef between me and Audrey on our Instagram stories, reflecting to the world the fact that we're not sleeping as well. We use Cozy Earth's sheets in our home in LA and we sleep so much better. We have committed in the last year to bringing you more of the things that we love and these bed sheets are one of the things that we love. I also frankly, just love sleeping. Well. I have come to really, really value sleep at this point in my life more than ever. It is one of my pillars of mental health and so anything that helps me sleep better is part of one of the most important parts parts of my mental health. The Cozy Earth bed sheets are that for us. You can get 40% off of these sheets@cozyearth.com by using the code Love Life at checkout. We've also been collecting other things from the website because we've been using this code for ourselves too. We got this blanket that's so soft. It's called the bubble Cuddle blanket. We're actually putting it in our baby's room, which is super cute. So whether it's a gift for yourself or for somebody else, go grab something today@cozyearth.com and don't forget to use the code Love Life at checkout for an amazing 40% discount. It really is a big discount, which is why me and Audrey have been using it so much for ourselves. So go check it out. Cozyearth.com now back to the episode.

One point I do want to say, is it you? You shouldn't take these that personally. Like, it can feel really personal, but it, it can often just be like this is the sign that you weren't matching. And it does kind of take a couple months of dating sometimes to completely. It's like it's better that it's a three month curse than the eight month curse. Eight months is a long time, but if someone's getting to this stage, they're actually doing a lot, right? You've got people who want to see you for three months. If someone's saying to me, I Can't even get on a second date with someone. That's a much trickier problem than someone saying, I go on three months. But then they realize they don't want a relationship. There's more to, you know, say, okay, you're doing a lot. Right. You're getting attraction. You're connecting with someone, that you are interesting enough that people want to be in your company for a while. You are good at, you know, displaying your best traits, that someone's intrigued or wants to sleep with you or whatever. So I don't. I do think there's so much like. We do just take rejection super personally. And especially here, it can feel really acute because you might have slept with them, get to know them a bit, and it can really feel like. Like what happened?

Well, what I will say is three months is enough time, I think, to feel like you, you know, really, really like someone. Even love them.

Yeah.

So I do think that from that perspective, it's. It's tough.

It is. And you've thought about maybe a future already, especially if you've been together, you know, a lot through that time.

I do think, though, there's something that should be said around this which we haven't said, which is three months is also enough time for someone to get a real sense of the fact that we don't believe in ourselves or that we don't think that we're a catch or that we truly doubt our ability to hold on to someone.

That's interesting.

And human beings are. We need to be. We need our certainty to be directed and amplified. We're looking for people around us to enhance our sense of certainty. True. And when we. Like, there are not that many people on Earth who have such a strong sense of. Of their own judgment, their own. What they want and who they're. What they're all about and what they like when they find it. There are very few people who are like that, who, like, almost in a vacuum, just know what they want and they see it and they're like, yep, you. I know. I don't need any other opinions. Very few people operate like that. What happens for most people is that they like someone or they get those feelings like, oh, that was a fun date. I enjoyed that. And then they may not even be fully, consciously aware of that. They're just like, it flew by, and I seemed to feel comfortable and I had a nice time, and. And we're almost looking now for a validation of that feeling. And so sometimes the person themselves validates that feeling. You know, they. They might in the course of texting us between dates, maybe they say something playfully cheeky or flirtatious. You know, you might have. You might reach out to them and say, where are you know, let's say they. Someone reaches out to you and says, where are you? Or what you up to? And you text them back and you say, why miss me? In that moment, it's like amplification of their certainty. Because you're teaching them that you have a certainty about yourself, that you believe in your own appeal enough to make a joke like that. And you're joking, but not joking. And so when they feel that, they go, oh, like, I'm validated in thinking that I was looking. I wanted to speak to this person. They're valid if. If I said, what are you up to? And you were like, oh, my God, I'm so glad you texted me. I hadn't heard from you. They might be going, oh, you haven't amplified my certainty.

That's really.

In fact, you've stoked my uncertainty because you seem uncertain. But if. If you. Someone says, you know, you say what you up to? And someone says, why miss me? Like, little smiley face, all of a sudden, you've amplified their certainty. It could come from. Sometimes it's other things. Sometimes you show a picture of someone to your friends and you're like, I went on a date last night. And they're like, how was it? And you're like, yeah, I had a fun time. They show me a picture and then they. Your friends see a picture and they like, oh, I bet you did that. Gorgeous. You go, oh, amplification of certainty. Or that person, they meet your friends for the first time, and your friends have a really good time with them. And like, he's really cool, or she's really cool. Like, I really enjoyed her company. Amplification of certainty. All these little moments. Sometimes the amplification of certainty comes from us having a certain standard where we say, like, hey, I really want to see you this weekend. But, you know, I haven't really heard from you since the last date. And I'm kind of, you know, I was, you know, I'm out, I'm doing my thing, and I'm hanging out, you know, with different people and whatever. And I hadn't heard from you, so I, you know, I didn't really know we were still on, you know, oh, this person has standards. Amplification of certainty. And the point I'm making is that in three months, you can either do a lot to amplify someone's certainty about you and a lot to hurt someone's certainty about you. None of that is necessarily based on, you know, when people say like, I have a great life, I have a great career, I have hobbies, I have friends, I have this, I have that, I'm have done therapy, I've got my. This. Like when people do that, they're kind of like going through a laundry list of things that on paper mean that you have kind of got your life figured out. But it's entirely possible to have all of those things and still really have someone's certainty deteriorate around you. Because what you, what you commute, sub, communicate beneath all of that is that you are not certain of yourself or your ability to hold on to someone.

We want to be with someone who on some level knows they're a catch. Like you say, that gives us comfort and certainty. Okay. They know they're worth something. And I believe that.

And also not just they know because you can actually be with someone who is a catch but has self worth issues. But you want someone, you want, you want to be told externally that you have, you're with a catch, if that makes sense. Like you want that to be validated externally. Because I think it, the point you made about the friends I think is really interesting. You know, I often think this, it's like if somebody, if you really like somebody and you're trying to make a good impression, win the people that they love over.

Yep.

Like that is like such a, an easy way to have almost like this amazing PR campaign going on. The background for you.

We went to early in our, like when we were just starting out, I, we went to see a friend of ours or a friend of mine who's become a friend of yours. And it's a family that we know in LA and we went over to them, it's a husband and wife and their kids were there. And I remember Audrey was at the table with us. And at one point you went to like play with the little girl and I was at the table with just our two friends, John and Amy. And John looked at me and he said, you can't let this one go.

And that's why he married us.

Yeah, he married, he ended up marrying us. But he, you know, he had known you for 20 minutes or 30 minutes at that point, I think maybe an hour we'd hung out, ate lunch and he, he just looked at me and he was like, you, you can't let this one go. And Amy, his wife, like looked at me and she, she was so funny. She was like. I mean, this is. She's like the one, right? Like, she's the one. She was like, I don't want to overstep. Like, she's. She. This is like. And that was a huge implication of certainty for me, because these are two people I love and trust who I really value their opinions. And it is. It would be nice to say that that stuff didn't matter and that it didn't make any difference. But it did make a difference to have people say that to me. I was like, oh, that feeling I'm having is not just. I'm not just having that in isolation in my own mind. Like, people get it. They're validating what I'm feeling. So that amplification of certainty is a real thing. And we can. I think it's in. It's kind of an important practical lesson to realize that the people around someone that they love and trust are important people to truly connect with when you get the chance. Not in a way where you're overdoing it, that can backfire, but in a way where you just are showing up as your best self. But even more than that, the point I'm making is that we can be our worst advocate. We can be the. We can actually do more to harm someone's certainty than anyone else by the subtle ways that we question ourselves or where the relationship is going or whether we're good enough or, you know, we give off these, like, micro cues that start to make someone doubt themselves and their feelings. Our job. It's almost like from the day we meet someone, our job is to. We have to see it as our job not to be a passive, kind of a passenger of the attraction, but it is actually our job to be an agent in amplifying their sense of certainty about us. And we have agency in being able to do that. Let us know what you think of le curse. How would you say the three month curse.

I'm gonna look up curse. Hang on.

No, it's gauss.

Oui. Malediction. La miction de trois Moi.

La miction mel.

Ediction me la diction. This is fun for the listeners. French little French lesson. We'll just go with curse.

Or as the French say, look. Yes. If you have an opinion on the three month curse. Have you experienced it? Is there any. Any light you want to shed on it from your point of view? Have we missed something about why this happens? Email us podcasty.com we want to hear from you. This is an email that be sent in. Hi, Matthew. I have Only today called time on my relationship with a married man. I cannot believe that I became involved. He lied online and after nine months I discovered he was married. I don't know why and it is something that I have frequently questioned, but I continued my relationship with him for over five years. Your podcast has really helped me today. Focus and everything you said reinforced my decision. I now fully understand why it has been so difficult to end it all, although I have ended it so many times before. And that is from Bea. Thank you so much, Bea, for emailing in. It means a lot to us and we've all done things that we look back on and go, I can't believe I engaged with that situation or that person for that long. I would never do that today. You know, how did I miss so much or how did the truth of that situation elude me for so long? It's, you know, I truly believe we're all going to have our version of that in our lives. And, you know, it's a wonderful opportunity to practice self compassion and self forgiveness when we do that and to define our character by what we do today rather than living in regret and shame of what we did yesterday. All right, it is time for Love Lifeline, where our Love Life coaching members get the chance to ask us a question on the podcast. For anyone, by the way, who is not a member. If you'd like to become a member of Love Life, you can go to joinlovelife.com we have live Q A sessions with me, with Stephen, with Audrey, a treasure trove of courses. Matthew AI is included so you can get coached by me unlimited as much as you want over the course of a year. So joinlovelife.com is that link if you want to become a member today. All right, let's play the message.

Hi, Matthew Hussey team, this is Elena. I have a question regarding relationships.

I've been single for a while and.

Now I'm in a relationship and sometimes there are situations where I feel like my boundaries are crossed or I get triggered.

Usually I bring it up straight away, but I feel like it's taking a.

Toll on the relationship. So I'm wondering, how can I bring things up that I don't like and.

How often can I bring things up.

That I don't like before it is nagging or being overly critical? And would you say it's better to still be a little bit observing if this is the right relationship? Or should I be more proud, proactive and set my boundaries from the start.

Even though it has only Been a short time.

Thank you. That's a really good question, Elena. Thank you so much for sending it in.

It's such an important question because it's, you know, how quickly do you bring up the things that you don't like? We can feel like we're being like, immediately we're being the person who is nagging this person who we're not even entitled to nag at this point, and we're like. Or we're judging or picking apart this person's behavior. And we don't even know them that well yet. We're just in the getting to know each other phases. So do I quietly note that thing that I didn't like, or do I say something? It is a delicate balance. I'm curious, Audrey, because you're always really strong when it comes to boundaries. What's your opinion on how. How soon is too soon to say you don't like something? And I want to move on to the point about frequency as well. If she keeps getting triggered and now feels like, you know, how. What's. What's the right amount of this to do? And is there a point at which I just say, well, this clearly isn't working. If I'm getting triggered this much, we'll come on to that. But how early do you think is too early to say I'm not happy with something that just happened?

I think very, very early stages, your. Your kind of goal should be to have fun with this person, to work out whether or. You know, whether or not you want to be with them and to make a good impression. So unless it was something massively egregious like, I don't know, they were really late for a date and didn't acknowledge it, or they, you know, got really drunk and were rude or something like that, something that made me feel really uncomfortable. I personally wouldn't necessarily bring it up. I would almost note it and, like, kind of bank it and just see if it happens again. And if it's a pattern. And if it's a pattern, then I would, at that point either decide whether or not I want to be with them even though this pattern is emerging, or whether or not I want to bring it up. That's my take. I think it's really important to communicate your standards. But I think standards are not about almost trying to change the other person. It's more working out whether or not we want to let that person in in the beginning. And that's an important shift for us to make.

But sometimes we. We find ourselves in the Difficult position of being like, I'm. I don't feel like what just happened is a big enough reason to stop seeing them. But if I don't air it, it's gonna, like, now play on my mind, and it's gonna get in my way. It's gonna hinder my ability to be present and be my normal, joyful, happy self. What do you say to people who. Cause that's what getting triggered does that, right? It makes us feel like we're no longer able to be present and fully be ourselves. And our nervous system is craving the closure of. Of having voiced this thing and having had that person put us at ease again. And then it's like, now, okay, now I can carry on and be myself. I've had that moment so many times where you and I have had those moments early on where I was like, you know, we've told the story before of, like, the time when I got jealous over something, and then I went very quiet. And I remember specifically us walking down the street and me not saying anything and no longer being a good partner in conversation, and you knowing something was wrong and me not wanting to bring it up because I was like, this is too. I don't want to show that this has affected me, but I had been triggered. And then we ended up having a fight about it because I ended up bringing it up in a not so productive way about two hours from that point. All because, by the way, in that moment, I couldn't get myself to just be like, let me just note this, and, you know, like, see what happens when we get triggered. It can be really hard to sort of rationally say, let me note this and move on, as opposed to, I have to just get. Like, I ever have to get out of your company or I have to say something, and it doesn't feel like there's any option in between.

I think there's a productive way to say it. And I think two things. I think, first of all, if you are getting triggered over something that isn't the other person's fault, it's kind of on you. And so I do think you have to be a little bit careful about, especially very early on, putting that on the other person. When that happened with us, you and I had already known each other for many months, and I think we were exclusive. And, you know, it's. We were not at the very early stages where maybe you would have not felt so comfortable to bring that because you wouldn't have been so invested. So I do think we have to check ourselves in the very early stages, because I. I think what we run the risk of doing is coming across like we're just nagging and picking. Having said that, I think there's a really good rule that I try to live by and sometimes often fail, but I try to live by it, which is. And I. I don't want to take credit for this. I don't know where I heard it, but it's something that I heard somewhere and I've taken with me. It's like, if. If something bothers me, I go, if this still bothers me 24 hours from now, then I'll bring it up. Because especially if you're someone who's very sensitive, lots of things can bother you. So in the moment, I would argue you and I are at the point in our relationship, our marriage, that I can just be like, when you said that, it upset me, and you'll go, oh, my God, I'm sorry. And then we just move on and it's done. And it's very, like, not a thing. But in the early stages, it does often become more of a thing because you're kind of learning each other. And so I think that what I think is important to do is to go, you know, I'm affected by this thing. I'm going to hold on to it. And if in 24 hours time I'm still thinking about it, it's still bothering me, it's affecting how I'm showing up, then I'm going to bring it up and I'm going to say it in a way that's like, can I talk to you about something? This is really silly and not a big deal, but I just. I don't want to get resentful. And so I just, you know, I want to be honest and just express how I feel. When you said that thing, it made me jealous. And, you know, I. I appreciate that's probably just no reaction on my part. But also, like, maybe the way you said it wasn't the most, you know, like, sensitive way of addressing that. Like, you. I hope you can see from my side how that would make me feel. And if you're with the right person, they'll go, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you feel like that. Of course, and they'll note that, and they will work on that in themselves. If you're with someone who's, you know, defensive or as a gaslighter, you might get a different reaction, but I think that's the nuance here, how long you've been seeing each other. How much of it is your stuff and not actually anything to do with the other person? And is it really something that's going to bother you 24 hours from now or are you just in the throes of the emotion? Do you just need to sleep on it? Which is a generic thing to say. But sleeping gets rid of the emotion and leaves you with the facts. And so sometimes it's just good to have a night's sleep. I do that with us. If you do something and I don't want to have a big thing about it, I'll sleep on it. And literally eight times out of 10, I don't remember it the next day. I don't care.

Yeah, and I think that's true. And there's like, there was that Warren Buffett thing where he said, if you want to, you can always tell your boss to go to hell tomorrow. Pause before you send the angry email. You can always tomorrow tell them to go to hell. But, but don't send the angry email first time you have the idea.

I've not heard that before. That's really good.

And I think the way you brought it up was the right thing because something is nagging if someone just, it feels like they're just telling you things that are wrong with you. And that's when I think people go like, I don't want to be made to feel like this person doesn't like parts of me. Like, you know, no one wants to feel like that. It's just like, well, sorry, that's me. So whereas if you can communicate either look for a pattern like this has happened a couple of times, so it is a pattern, not a one off thing. And where I just felt impatient and angry so I lashed out. But more like, oh, there's this pattern. And be specific. Like when this happened, then it makes me feel like xy like I asked to help you to help me do the dishes and stuff and you just didn't acknowledge it. And you. I felt like it made me feel like we weren't a team, you know, in that moment you said, yeah, in a bit. And then you didn't tell me, like really be specific about the chain of events and that's when you can start a mature conversation. But if you, if it just feels like you're always just, just pushing everyone, every imperfection they have, everything. They don't do that you, they do that you don't love, then no one wants to be made to feel like they're not respected or not appreciated.

Yeah. 100 it's really good.

I love those answers.

Can you talk very quickly because I know we're we have to move on to Steve, but I really want to know about the frequency point which we've kind of answered, but I just wonder if you have a either of you have a point on that.

I think of this sometimes in the way that I think of a like a member of a team. Like if you're leading a team and one of those team members has done four things in the last two weeks that has bothered you.

Why choose a.

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It may not be beneficial to have a conversation about all four right now because one of them might be a very little thing. Another one might have been something that's like not that important or it's a one off. But there might be one thing or two things that are kind of the headline that is really worth addressing. And rather than eviscerate someone around a whole bunch of different things all at once, it might be worth talking about the thing that you think is actually the biggest issue and see how that plays out and see how that person responds. It doesn't mean you can never come back to the other things, but it might be that the other things are not that. You know, maybe they go away, maybe they're not that important, or maybe taking care of the big thing might also have an effect on those things. But I, I do think to an Extent. We have to, like, pick our battles a little bit and recognize that it's not. We have to know the difference between the differences that really matter and the differences that don't. And that's where I. I think knowing the differences that matter, knowing the differences that are going to truly affect your quality of life, not the kind of differences that just feel a bit heightened because you happen to be in an inherently insecure stage of dating where the stakes feel high and you're a bit nervous and you're easily triggered and your anxieties flare up easily. And, like, it's. So if we're not careful, we can make someone responsible for making us feel safe and secure and, you know, like, everything's fine in every given, in every moment. And I don't think we get to feel like that in. In the first few months of dating. It is an inherently, you know, challenging time in. There is kind of like a push pull to it sometimes, and sometimes, like, it. Someone does, in week five, have a moment where they're, like, questioning things for a couple of days and you don't hear from them very much. But it was just like a moment in time, and it was just. It's not that important in the grand scheme of things. You know that plenty of people. I'm happily married today, who, in the first few months of dating, there was, you know, a little bit of, like, you were more into me this week than the week before, or you were more sure of me that month.

You called me a bit less. Yeah, like, time.

And sometimes it's like, he. You know, like. Yeah, but that's my worst fear is that they're not actually as into me as I'd hope in that moment. But this comes back to that feeling of, are you amplifying certainty or are you. Are you damaging their certainty? Because it's. That's what dating is like. You don't always know for sure that you're sure about someone. You. You're getting to know someone, and it's a process, and it's a journey. And. And you can take. I think in dating, we can take too seriously the times where someone is not entirely sure about us. Like, instead of almost sometimes waving them off like, oh, you're an idiot who doesn't know how great I am right now. Like, oh, you're the. You're the idiot who hasn't figured out that I'm amazing. I'll give you, like, I'll give you a few more hours or days or a couple more weeks to figure that out. I'm not going to take you too seriously right now. So anyway, that's how I think about it. But you know, have humility. Know that you're not perfect either. Be self aware about your own triggers and recognize, as you said, Audrey, when they're your triggers and you have to take responsibility for them. And when it's them, pick your battles and get. Get connected to the differences that really matter and the ones that don't and focus on the ones that are the headlines. All right. It is that time.

Oh, my Lord.

Play the theme song. Don't be bereaved.

You know that we can't live without.

Another episode of Steve Sleeves.

Steve Sleeves.

No, we have a theme song. You don't need to have a post theme song. Theme song.

It's his feature. He can do what he wants.

It's his feature.

Thank you, Audrey.

You're welcome.

Audrey's very on board with me lately with Steve Sleeves and I love it.

What's this called?

This is returning to an old standby and usually we do a brand new feature every time. This is new, but it's just. It's a twist. Happily. Three months after question mark. We have talked about Disney characters a lot. Their relationship prospects, where the future is. Now we want to talk about three months in. So producer David and I. He's not here. He's in L. A at the moment. But we've come up with some scenarios of Disney characters facing a three month curse. And we want you to say if it can last and how would you fix it? If it can last is now.

We did this before. How is this different from when we said whether they would make it before?

Because he's going to give us a scenario.

Because it's not just like, yeah, I'm giving you a scenario of a relationship challenge. They're facing three months.

Just let.

Let Steven do his thing.

Okay.

You'll get it.

Ariel, Little Mermaid and Prince Eric discover that communication around relationship logistics often has breakdowns. This has come to a head when Ariel forgets Eric's birthday. Okay. This has happened three months in. He should know. He. No, she should know. She knew it was coming up. They're already in the flush of love. You. You saw the Little Mermaid and she just completely doesn't acknowledge it. He's waiting. He's excited. He thinks this woman knows me so well. Nothing. Not a sausage.

That's tough. Poor Eric.

Hurtful.

Yeah.

Is that a death now or just.

A. I wonder my. No, I see. This is where I think what's really important is when he comes to her and says, hey, I know we've only been together for three months, but, you know, it like, you didn't acknowledge my birthday.

And I, I don't know how they do things down under the sea, but.

They'Re on land up here.

Birthdays are a bit of a thing, I think.

I did not clog that. I was like, no, Stephen, they're on land at this point.

But like, you know, it's. It sucked that you didn't remember and it kind of hurt my feelings. And, you know, I just wanted to let you know. How does she respond to that? Because if she's like, oh, you know, like, birthdays. Yeah, yeah, I was just doing this. I was like drying my hair.

Exactly. She's like, well, she's like, oh, I am sorry about that. I. For me, birthdays are not.

Yeah, then, then I'd be like a little. Well, if she said no, there's a way to do that. If she said to like, I understand that, like, I'm learning you right now and I'm still learning what is matters to you. And I didn't realize that birthday was a big thing to you because, you know, where I'm from, it's not like in my family, it was never really a big thing. It was Sebastian's birthday two weeks ago. Didn't even like, didn't even say a word to him, you know, and it was fine. You know, he didn't even. He didn't even have a get together. Like, that's how we are with birthday. But I, I'm starting to learn that birthdays are really important to you. And I really hear you and I'll take account of that next time. That's all right. If she's just sort of like, oh, my God, yeah, it was your birthday. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, like, we should do like. Like I take you for a drink this Friday or whatever. It's like, if she does that, then she's probably not got the emotional sensitivity and empathy to be able to actually, like, Eric is obviously a bit of a sensitive soul and these things are important to him and he's, you know, she's not going to be the person who really understands that. And maybe that plays because she does. Like, you could imagine Ariel being a bit of a, like sort of take.

Her not giver or.

And a bit like all over the place, a bit chaotic. She collects all these random free spirits things. She hoards all of these, you know, things that are. She's a bit of a, like, Collector who's just like all over the place and like, you know, and Eric's like.

I've spent last three months trying to teach you how to drive and you'll forget my birthday.

Oh my God. It's like me and my early 20s and Matt in his early 20s.

Yeah, he's on a ship, like on highly coordinated, strategic adventures that the stakes are really high.

Shipping company.

No, but he's like used to like that. That's not. He's not just like out there doing it for fun. He's like.

He's a shipping broker.

He's got responsibilities.

Yeah, he's got responsibilities and he's used to things running on time and mattering. He's like, needs to know where he's going in life. And she's down there collecting forks and spoons that fall in the water and maybe she's like fucking free spirited. And he's all ultra organized and it just creates a lot of pain for him. So you just gotta be careful. What is there? Is it. Do we say. Are we saying cursed or not cursed?

Do you think it can. They can break that curse?

Depends on a reaction.

Okay. Meg finds that Hercules is really insecure in his ability to advocate for his own needs. She loses a little respect in how much he lets Philoctetes walk all over him. It's been a month and Hercules still won't confront Phil about unremitted fight winnings.

Okay, let me just pick this apart. So firstly, Philoctetes, for those people who haven't seen Disney's, Hercules is the. What would you. What's the name?

It's a trainer.

No, but what's the name for. He's half.

He's a fawn. Fawn. Half man, half goat.

There's a, there's a name for that, that.

I think it's a fawn.

Is it? Anyway, that's, that's Hercules trainer. So he's, he's like keeping winnings. He's sort of ripping her cough. Herc's not like he doesn't want to talk to him about it. He's scared. And Meg's losing.

Yeah.

Respect for Hercules, I think three months.

In, if you're losing respect, that's tricky. I do think that. I'm not saying that's the right thing. I'm saying looking at it like how actually things play out. Like the right thing is obviously for her to be able to talk to him and do this and encourage him.

And he is highly competent. He's good at fighting.

Yeah, yeah. But I think if you're losing Philoctetes, maybe he's like, Philoctetes is a. Is a narcissist, maybe, and he's in a toxic relationship. And, you know, the Hercules, for the first time, is going to be around someone who's. Who's healing for that relationship.

I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying if you're losing respect, it's because you use that word. I think losing respect is a tricky thing, because I think most people three months in, but then they did do the whole thing where they, like, gave their lives to each other.

But shouldn't she sort of check herself if she's losing respect so easily?

Yeah, but people aren't that introspective. She should.

So you're. So you're not saying. You're saying it's cursed because Meg is not that deep. Not because Herc's done anything wrong.

Yeah. I'm just saying if you put this in Modern Dating, in a real scenario. But then again, they did give up their lives for each other, and there's been quite a lot of intensity, so maybe that would.

That would save them all these relationships start.

Are we giving Meg advice, or are we just saying whether it's going to work or not?

I think we're saying if. If you can fix it and if you can will it.

Well, if, like, if he's competent in every other way, which he is, except he's being taken advantage of in this relationship, then that might be something Meg should.

She can actually help him.

She should.

She could be a healing person.

She might not, because.

But. But if. If Meg is already just like. If she's not like, wow, I have a lot of sympathy for, like, this. This is. He's in a very toxic relationship here. If she's gone straight to, I don't.

Respect this man, because Steven said she's starting to lose respect, so I'm putting myself in her head.

So you're going to go with la curse.

She loses a little respect.

Oh, it's a little bit like.

I think that. So you're going to say cursed, because if she's already losing respect, then I don't know. All right, Meg, come off well in this one.

I don't think Jafar finds that Hades won't take things seriously. He just made a joke about, can we just go far?

Because no one know. If they didn't listen to the previous episode. They don't know. All right, fan fiction. Jafar from Aladdin and Hades from Hercules.

Yeah. Now Shows fan fiction. Jafar and Hades are together.

Okay.

Jafar finds that Hades won't take things seriously. He just made a joke about Jafar's snake staff and is yet to apologize. Even though Jafar thinks he made it visible he was upset at the comment.

Even though. Wait, what?

Even though Jafar thinks that he made it perfectly visible that he was upset at the comment.

Hades didn't do it. Didn't say.

Yeah, he just can't get Hades to, like, be serious. Like, I am annoyed about this, and you're just laughing at me.

They're cursed because they're two narcissists, and it's always a matter of time before that implodes.

So do you think Hades is narcissist? Yeah.

Hades probably qualifies as a vulnerable narcissist.

Yeah, he is. Like, because he's kind of like a sad sack as well.

That's what I mean. You know, like. Like hard done by and the world's against him, and he can't see that. He's just an awful person who visits, you know?

Right.

Cruelty on people. It's just like, oh, look what Zeus has done to me.

He's vulnerable narcissist.

Vulnerable narcissist.

Jafar is just a nice.

Just a straight up, straight up malignant.

Yeah, I think Jafar is just straight knock.

So you. That's it?

Yeah, I think so.

So, okay, fair enough. But that had nothing to do with the scenario. You just said they're two narcissists, so they won't work. Yeah, you can't. You got to address the scenario.

Someone's laughing off. Someone's laughing off your attempt to say, like, cursed.

Yeah, because they're narcissists. That's why he's laughing it off. Which is not what normal people do.

It's not. This is not going to be. No one's healing in that relationship. It's just gonna be. He's already being gaslit, okay, over something. And he's also, you know, Hades job is to build up Jafar and make him feel good. Instead, he's making him feel stupid for his snake staff. That's it. And that's like, a trademark item of his. He's not accepting him for who he is.

It is a dumb. I am, though. If you can have a magic staff, make it do something better than that. All right, next one. Bell is concerned with her attraction level with a recently transformed beast. She loves how well he treats her, but for the last month, she's found it a turn off that he Refuses to grow out his chest hair.

Okay.

Do you know what's funny is that I think a lot of women. And please, if you guys out there agree with me, send an email podcastewhassey.com with the subject line Beauty and the Beast. But basically, I think a lot of people of women, girls, young girls watching Beauty and the Beast were actually quite disappointed when Beast turned into a human. It was quite a disappointing situation.

I think he was too clean shaven.

He was too blonde.

I think. Too blonde. It was a weird choice to have him go from being this, you know, deep brunette Beast hairy to clean shaven blonde.

Do you want him to turn into like Javier Bardem?

Right. He needed to be a bit.

He said he became sort of like a young Ryan Gosling.

Yeah.

With long hair, which isn't the beat you. If you like Beast, you're not a Ryan Gosling guy.

Correct.

And he's very clean, smooth.

Yeah, yeah. Bit bony.

Yeah. He was just sharp elbows. He was not quite sharp elbow.

So basically there's something she like, there's something she would like and he's sort of not, you know, he knows she'd be attracted to it, but I don't want to do that.

I think, I think it's cursed because she's, she's doubting her attraction levels. Three months in, three months in is.

Not good to be saying there's something physically I want to change.

Correct.

What's your stance on the chest hair thing? Do you think if he knows she likes it, he should, he should grow out?

I think so. If it doesn't, unless it really bothers him, I think it's nice to make sure that you, if there's something your partner really likes, you kind of do more of that thing.

But I agree with that. I don't think you should be too proud about stuff like that. If you, if you know something turns your partner on. I mean, they've given you, they've given you a gift.

Yeah, exactly. Tis a gift.

Use Lord of the Rings reference.

So I think, I think curse. I'm sorry.

Okay, well, thanks for playing, everyone. Da da da da da da da da.

Most of them were cursed.

I know. I feel bad about Hercules and Meg, but there we go. There we go, guys.

Well, it's been. I enjoyed that, Steve Sleeves.

Thank you.

Thank you, Stephen.

I think Steve Sleeves has made a winning comeback after.

Well, let the people can Let us know. Podcastthewhussey.com Let us know what you thought of this episode. Let us know what you thought of Steve Sleeves. Let us know what you think of Steven's actual sleeves and we will see you next time. Thanks as always for listening in.

Thanks everyone.

Bye.

Leave me a comment on this video before you go. I love hearing from you. And by the way, if you're watching this and you really want to find love and you see other people around you pairing off and finding what you've been looking for for a long time and you're feeling like, when's it going to be my turn? How might I be getting in my own way? Is there something I'm doing to sabotage my chances in this area? How can I finally find what I'm looking for? I am going to be helping people uncover their deeper patterns, understand their blind spots, and find what they're looking for this October at my retreat. If you haven't got a ticket yet, you can get your tickets@mhretreat.com and don't worry if you can't make it to be there in person. In Miami with us there is a virtual ticket that means you can participate in this event and get the content from it from wherever you are in the world. Go check it out@mhretreat.com grab your tickets and I can't wait to see those of you who are coming.

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