The 3 Boxes Men Put Women In (And How to Get Out of Them)

Today, we'll attempt a feat once thought impossible, overcoming high interest credit card debt. It requires merely one thing, a SoFi personal loan. With it, you could save big on interest charges by consolidating into one low fixed rate monthly payment. Defy high interest debt with a SoFi personal loan. Visit sofi.com/stunt to learn more. Loans originated by SoFi Bank, N.A. Member FDIC. Terms and conditions apply. NMLS 696891. Hey, it's Matthew AI. How can I help? Matthew AI, could you give one piece of advice for anyone who feels like they are burning out in their dating life? But could you make your answer 60 seconds or less? If you're feeling burned out in your dating life, the most important thing you can do is take a step back and reconnect with yourself. Dating burnout often happens when we're chasing external validation or trying to force outcomes instead of focusing on what truly makes us happy. So pause, ask yourself, am I enjoying the process or am I just enduring it? If it feels like a grind, shift your energy toward activities that make you feel alive and confident outside of dating, whether that's spending time with friends, pursuing a hobby, or just taking care of your mental and physical health. When you're in a better place emotionally, you'll naturally bring a more positive energy to your interactions, and that's when dating starts to feel exciting again. Remember, you're not just looking for someone to choose you. You're also deciding who's worth your time and energy. I mean, here's the crazy part about that. I was just on a live with all of our Love Life members, and for the Love Life members listening, you will know this is true. Someone just asked me that exact question of how to deal with dating burnout. My answer was to a T that exact answer.

Wow.

If you were on that live email podcast@matthewhussie.com I need verification of how uncanny that was. If you haven't used Matthew AI yet, go check it out. AskMH.com is the link where you can go and ask Free questions for 3 minutes if you've never used it before. And if you have used it before, then make sure you get on board with an unlimited amount of Matthew AI because it can be your companion any time you need. AskMH.com is the link for Matthew AI. In this episode today, we are talking about box theory. This is something that I sort of arose out of a video that went viral on TikTok about the categories people put us in when we are out there dating. And this person, Stephen, maintains that there are only three.

Only three, and it's very hard to get out of them, if not impossible.

So we are going to discuss whether that's true, whether those are really the only three boxes. Can you box hop? Which can be the title of the email that you send us if you want to email us about this episode. you can email- Subject line box hop. Subject line box hop. And you can email podcast@matthewhussie.com with your thoughts on today's episode. We're gonna talk about how easy it is to get out of a box if it's possible. Also, if you keep getting put in the same box with everybody, if your whole life you've spent in one very particular box, what box is that? Also coming up for all of our Love Life members, I will be doing a check-in live with the community on April the 4th at 11:00 AM Pacific Time. There's also gonna be a live Q&A with me for an hour and a half on Monday the 7th of April. Stephen, you are doing a gratitude session on Monday, April 9th.

I am a guided meditation.

Fantastic. And then Stephen on April the 15th. What do you know? You're releasing an entire course.

My first course.

How to flirt and create attraction in Dating.

Oh, I can't wait for this.

That is coming up. I was privy to that course and I was there for the shoot day and there's some really, really amazing practical stuff in that program. All of that is coming up for Love Life members. If you're not a Love Life member yet, you can go to joinlovelife.com and become a member. We have both a way to join for a whole year with an annual price, and we also have the monthly price for people who want to do it that way.

Did we have any names for our love life members that came through the emails? I know we asked last week to... We did ask.

Did anyone send anything creative through?

Okay, well we had some. I don't know if we're gonna quite hit the mark yet. I want to get your opinion.

Okay.

Farrah says she gave a few. Loafers slash lifers. I think that's a portmanteau of a love life. Like loafers.

I'm going to scrap that one. I appreciate the suggestions, but I don't, that one I don't think is quite right.

There's one that's gone for a pun on your name, Hussiers. Again, tricky last name.

Yeah, it's a bit of a mouthful.

I think people used to say to us, oh, do you call your people like Hussies and stuff? And we're like, well, no, because in America that's a naughty word.

We could do better. Yeah.

Am- ammarists?

Ammarists?

Ammarists.

That, I feel like that's too sexy.

Right, right. Love tectors. That sounds like a metal detecting device.

Yeah.

Someone, Donna, suggested seekers. She said a seeker is someone actively searching for something.

I thought it was a bit too earnest. You know what I mean? Sounds a bit too... Bit too, like... Not cheeky enough. Yeah. Like, I wanna...

I'm looking for something like just a little bit playful. Nancy gave us the very simple Love Lifers. I mean, it's simple.

That probably is the best one yet for its simplicity. It's the best one for its simplicity. It's a bit too obvious. Yeah.

We're looking for a bit more like oblique. Pickles.

It's always been pickles.

It's always been pickles.

It could be pickles. You're just having to come around to it. I love... You said that as if it was a line in a romcom. It's always been because like that you, this was finally you coming along and saying how you felt all this time. Like it was always pickles.

It was always pickles.

It's always been pickles.

It's always been pickles.

Yeah, just see, we'll see if you come around to it. But if anyone has any other ones.

Let me put it out there because Stephen wants us to call our beloved love life members of our number one program that has been a many year long program, long standing program is the lifeblood of what we do. He wants us to call everyone pickles. Now, firstly, Love Life members, are we okay with that? So let's just get some emails from people saying whether that's okay or not. And can anyone beat pickles? Because right now, I, I hate to say it, but Pickles might be the front runner.

I think Pickles is not a bad one.

So again, Pickles is the front runner right now. Can anyone beat it? We need to know. If you want to become a LoveLifter, a Pickle, and join us for all of the coaching experiences we have, then go to join@lovelife.com and become part of the celebration. okay, so the inspiration for this episode was this particular Tick Tock clip that.

Went viral, inspired a lot of discussion and debate, and some articles that I read.

Very good. Well, we're gonna play this clip right now for everyone out there watching or listening. This is my theory. When men meet you in a romantic.

Setting, they put you in a box. Either they want to date you, they want to sleep with you, or they want nothing to do with you. It's very difficult to shift from box to box. I mean, your behavior doesn't really affect what box you're into a guy. So if he meets you and he's like, I want to date this girl, you could puke on his shoes and sleep with him on the first night, and it wouldn't matter. Vice versa. If he meets you and he just wants to hook up, you could make him wait. three months to sleep with you. It's not going to change that. Women are so different. Meet a guy and we're like, oh, he's just for fun. Then three weeks later, we're sitting down a brunch with our friends being like, so I'm thinking about Tuscany for our wedding. Developed this Theory because over the years I've noticed with me and my friend doesn't matter when you decide to sleep with someone. And I get asked this question all the time. Tinks, how long should I make him wait? What about the three date rule? What about the five date rule? Sleep with him when you are ready. Waiting to sleep with someone doesn't guarantee.

That he's going to view you as relationship material again.

Sleep with him when you are good and ready. That's the only thing that matters.

Don't worry about it. Interesting.

I don't think I agree with anything that was just said.

Okay. Well, this is why I want to bring this.

I'm not.

There was a lot of assertions in this. Also, what's interesting is the gender difference that's being claimed to be true. That if you're a guy, you've decided what box a woman is in. 'Cause that was what she was asserting, right? Right. If you're a guy, you decide what box a woman is in. And I think what were the three she gave? They either want to date you, sleep with you, or not interested at all.

Yeah.

I think she put it on nothing to do with you. Brutal. But that's, if you're a guy, apparently, and you don't, like, whatever happens, you keep someone in that box. But if you're a woman, if you're having, you can say, oh, this guy is just a bit of fun. And then a week later, you're talking about it as something serious. That actually goes against what a lot of men have as a theory. Right. A lot of guys, you'll hear guys say, like, if she's put you in the friend zone, you're screwed. Right. You're not getting out of there. That's true. So it's kind of interesting to hear it said.

Well, she's not saying the friend zone, right? She's saying, like, a bit of fun. So she's saying if you're romantically interested enough to be sleeping with the person, to be like dating the guy. It's confusing with dating because dating to me is like English dating where you go on dates rather than like wanting.

She means like, they either want to date you, like be in a relationship.

Yeah, exactly. They want like, they exactly want a relationship with you. They want commitment from you. But I think what she's saying is that if a guy, if a woman is dating a guy and, you know, just like going on a few dates, sleeping with him and all of that stuff, that, you know, attraction often builds, even if she went off in the beginning, she started off saying, oh, it's not like going to be anything serious. She's not talking about breaking out the friend zone.

This would be to suggest that there is nothing you can do to get someone to take you more seriously, which presupposes that there was a point in time where a man just sized you up and said, I just want to sleep with her. That is all I'm interested in.

But do you think that does happen on early dates where you will go on a date with somebody? And I think we can make this gendered for the purpose of this video because I think that the video made it gendered. So do you think there's any modicum of truth to the fact that when you go on a date with a guy within the first day or the second day, he has already decided whether or not he is going to take you seriously and potentially like commit to you or just sees you as a little bit fun.

Well, hang on though, because what did she say? When did she suggest this happens?

In the beginning. She didn't say when, but she said she's suggesting it's early on.

But that's a really big thing, right? Because if someone's... If we're saying... Even if we're saying what they've decided by the end of a date, Well, you've had a whole date to influence.

But I think- I think she's still saying though, like, if you go on a date and you make a certain impression, men will then put you in one of three boxes. That's what she's saying. And then she's saying, once you're in that box, it doesn't matter if the second date you're like, you know, amazing and do all of the right things, you're already in that box.

And so- I think it's more like-.

They don't want to take you seriously.

I think it's more like you, you might disqualify someone because something, some clash of values comes up really early or, wow, this person is so different to me that this isn't, this isn't going to work. You can see something like that in the first two dates where you go, ah, I, they're really nice or they're attractive, but, like, we have no intellectual connection, we have no emotional connection, and that could make you immediately put them in a box where that But that's a thing that's unlikely to change because it's fundamental to your differences. So it's not like something on a third date is gonna make them a different person.

What would be an example?

Like you... I don't know, maybe you have completely different idea of where you see your life in the next few years or your personality. Maybe their personality is just a certain way where you're like, They're too loud for me. They're too... you're obnoxious. They argue... like you get into an argument, you're like, I'm a chill person, and they're turning everything into a debate or something. Oh, I can't deal with that. Like, you know, personality stuff. Then you're like, you might instantly go, this isn't gonna work. Like, we might have a nice time, but.

So you're sort of saying that if someone has, if someone's decided they're disinterested in you, that's unlikely to change. And if they're a man, maybe they'll still sleep with you because. they physically maybe are attracted to you, but if they realize like, there's no relationship potential 'cause we're so different, then that disinterest, it's kind of in a way that the boxes merge there because it's both, they might put you in the sleep with you and disinterested category. Well, she said want nothing to do with you. The middle ground for a lot of men is, I might not see this person as someone I want a relationship with, but I do still wanna sleep with them. for a bit of fun. So I am. It's not I want nothing to do with them. It's just that I'm not interested enough for a relationship. I do want to sleep with them. What you're saying is there are certain things that are really hard to come back from if someone on a first date has already got the sense that you guys just are completely different in ways that he doesn't. He doesn't want.

Right.

And it might not be they made a fundamental mistake. It might just be like, you're very different people. But I think women do that as well. Men can do things or say things, obviously, that a woman goes, I don't see this guy as relationship potential. I think that happens as well. The two things I will say to qualify this, though, is there's also, if someone doesn't want a relationship or a guy doesn't want a relationship, it could be timing. He may just be very much in a place where he's not, it's not even to do with you right now. He might just not be wanting to commit, might have commitment issues. So there might just be something that's nothing to do with you, in which case everyone would go in the casual box. Or you can also influence, I think you can influence with your behavior, what box you're in. I think that's definitely true. You could influence, like if you, let's imagine there's also another box of not interested, but they're nice. or they're friendly. That absolutely can be influenced by you. If you go on a date and you have no ability to flirt, to attract, to be a little seductive, and you're just the fun, sarcastic, whatever person, they might go, oh, they're nice and they're attractive, but I don't feel. I don't feel like this is a sexual person. I don't feel like this person's lighting me up. That's absolutely influenced. by behavior. Do you know what I mean? It's not like, oh, you're just put in that category.

I'm kind of thinking of, like, Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers.

In what way?

Yeah, in what way?

Well, you know, he's. I forget the actor's name that he hooks up with in Wedding Crashers, but the redhead, Isla Fisher. Isla Fisher?

I think it is, yeah.

So, you know, he's with her, and he absolutely is just thinking this is a hookup. Like, he thinks she's a little nuts. He's like, this is a lot, but like, he's also like, I'm hooking up with her. It's fun. Whatever. It's gonna be a bit crazy. And then at a certain point, it flips. Like, at a certain point, and I'm not saying we should take all our lessons about love from movies, but there is something about the fact that At one point, she kind of laughs at him because he's taken this... She said she was a virgin, and he took it really seriously. And then at a certain point, she's like, I just said that 'cause I thought you'd think it was, like, sexy or something. She's like, Really? You thought I was a virgin? And then she, like, almost mocks him for being so naive.

Yeah.

And it's like at that moment, he starts realizing there's more to this person than he realized. Mm-. And he's the one who starts seeing it as more. He realizes there's something here and totally ends up like madly in love with her. And I think that there's something very true to life about that. There are people that you don't think are very sexual, and then all of a sudden they show up maybe in a certain... Someone you thought I'm not interested in can show up in a certain outfit to a party, and all of a sudden you're like, oh, like I didn't realize. Or they can be like playful or cheeky in a way that they weren't the first five times you met them. And you realize, oh, there's like, there's a sexiness to this person that I didn't appreciate when they were on their best behavior or when they were just being exceedingly polite or Like, you see them in a new light. I don't know what... why anyone would think that men are not capable of those kinds of transitions.

Well, that one, sexual compatibility, could completely change someone's box. Like, make them more feel like this could work or not work based on just, we don't know until we've been intimate, if we're compatible in that sense. So, I think there's all All these things, actually, you could shift boxes throughout, I think.

I wonder with what Tinx is posing, though. I wonder if it's the feeling, as a single woman, when you're dating a guy and you don't have access to the inside of their brain. And so what you have is just their behavior towards you. And so, you might go on multiple dates with them, feel like everything's going really well, hearing from them all the time, everything's great, and then you sleep together, and then suddenly communication starts to change. They start to pull away. You don't really know what's happened, blah, blah, blah. And she's almost saying that, like, when men know, they know. Like, this idea, which I think isn't necessarily completely untrue for a lot of men. There's definitely a lot of guys out there who are like, When I met my now wife, there was just something about her that was like so different for me. And it was just like, I just was instantly like, I think this could be, this could be right.

That's a really dangerous idea though.

But let me, let me finish because I think that that's not, it's not, I'm not saying it's always true. It's definitely not always true, but it's not, completely untrue either, that some people, especially men, really feel that. And I think what Tinx is getting at, which I think is kind of interesting, is like, okay, is it the case that when you go on a date with a person, within the first couple of dates, they have already made up their mind and therefore, like, you may get hurt, but you wouldn't kind of know it because, like, almost like what you then have to try and discern is whether or not somebody is actually only seeing you as a little bit of fun or are they interested in something more serious with you? And kind of like trying to understand that and decipher that in order to make sure that you don't get hurt. I think that's there's something interesting about that because I do think that happens a lot. And I will say this one last thing, which is like, I think it's really hard for a lot of women because men kind of, they will sort of make decisions based on what they want. but they won't, they won't change their behavior. Their behavior would still be indicative of somebody that wants a relationship and wants something serious with you. They'll still text you all the time, be thoughtful, check in, all of that stuff. When they've actually decided, to your point, Stephen, that, like, on date one or two, they've already decided there's something about your personality that means they'll never actually want to be with you forever. But that doesn't mean that that other person doesn't mean the woman has has like, you know, got the memo. And so she might be thinking they're really right for each other, then kind of going based on his behavior, and then as a result ending up really hurt because what they're doing is just kind of like going, I've decided this isn't serious for me, so I'm okay to carry on like this. And I don't care about the fact that I'm gonna hurt this person. I think that's really hard, which I think is why this video has gone viral, is I think it hits a bit of a pain point for a lot of women in dating. I'm not saying it doesn't happen to men, but I just wanna put that out there in the ether.

It definitely happens to men, 'cause men have their own experience of being led on by women, you know, being made to feel like they might be interested, being texted, and then find themselves in some version of it's either not progressing or she doesn't want a relationship with him, she wants to keep it where it is. So I think men most certainly do have their own version of that. I don't think it's as common that a guy who... I'm not saying between men and women, I'm just saying the scenario where a guy has decided he's not interested in you, but then is very consistent with his behaviour of showing up in your life, texting, calling, but not like in a mad love-bombing way. Right, you can see lots of that in the beginning in terms of like someone's trying to sleep with you or trying to get a lot from you very quickly. So in that case, you can be forgiven for thinking someone's extremely like into you when really you're not seeing consistency over time. You're just seeing like a flurry of activity in a very short space of time because they're excited about like that end result. And then once they get the end result, they're not interested or whatever. I think it's a lot less common for someone over time, over a series of weeks, to show up in a consistent way in your life, having decided that they are not interested in you. And I think a lot of people mistake sporadic communication for consistency. They'll say like, oh, they, but they look, they're text, why would they text me if they're not into me? And it's like, But they haven't texted you in three days, and now they sent you a text. But you're like, they keep texting me. They texted me three days ago. They just texted me again today. And when I look at that, I go, that doesn't feel consistent to me.

So, you're saying consistency... Lack of consistency means you are in the bit of fun box.

Yeah, I think someone will keep you... Someone who wants sex, will keep you on, they'll keep themselves on your radar. That's not the same thing as someone who you feel like is investing in the interactions.

I think that's really hard to discern for people though. I agree with you. I think you're absolutely spot on. But I do think that's why I'm kind of like touching on that consistency point, which we've talked about many times before. But like, that's almost like a very practical way of actually discerning where someone stands. Because I do think it's really tricky to, if you do hear from somebody every day or every other day, but you're used to that, that's the communication pattern. And it's early days, and when you are on dates, everything's really great, and they're perfectly lovely, and they're planning dates, and it, you can also be excused for thinking, oh, maybe it's just like their dating style, and they don't know me well enough.

Yes, but when people say this to me, I'm always interested in the nature of the messages themselves because it's fascinating how many times people can say, we text all the time and there's this back and forth communication and it's just not progressing. I don't get it. Like, he clearly, like, they're texting me. They're doing like, and then when you look at the messages, there is nothing going on in these messages. Like it is. It's like weather talk. You're like, that's not a conversation. You can make stuff sound like conversation when you say, Me and this person text back and forth all the time. It sounds like you're having lots and lots of actual conversations and you've got to know each other and you've invested in asking each other questions and there's a flow to it, there's a chemistry to it. But actually, when you're just going back and forth with these surface level messages, You're nothing interesting is ever happening. You're having as much conversation with this person as you are with the barista in your local coffee shop. The wider point I want to make about all of this is that this idea that you can't switch boxes, it suggests a real lack of agency in having any impact on the way that people think about us. and we have a lot of influence over the way people think about us from the way we show up. The whole point of any work that we do in our organization around standards and boundaries and being able to point out when you're not getting enough for you to keep putting in energy to something, the whole point of that is not just to have a boundary that protects you, It's also that by having boundaries and standards with people, you influence.

Which absolutely does make someone more attractive. If they have standards in their life, you see the way they live, you see they have certain boundaries, you are more likely to think, wow, this person's a real catch.

And every one of those interactions is a signpost telling someone how to think about you. So the idea that the who we are to someone gets frozen in time in a specific moment assumes that that impression is the only one that counts. But actually, every interaction we have with someone is a chance to influence the way that person sees us. It's shocking to me how many people in my life, not just romantically, I have realized I was wrong about in some way. It happens all the time to suggest that dating is this magical realm where that doesn't happen, where someone just is... Guys screw it up all the time, by the way, with people that they sleep with, and are like, I've just put her in the fun box, and then they see that person keep sleeping with them, and then at some point they lose them, 'cause she actually goes and finds a real boyfriend. And they're like, oh my God, what have I done? I've screwed up here. That happens a lot. And then they like, Ladies, I know you have tons of stories of guys coming back who didn't take you seriously at one point. And now they're like, that was really dumb. I like you. I shouldn't, you know, like I treated it too casually. Plenty of women have stories like that. so what is that an example of? If not someone realizing that there was an ignorance to the box that they put you in, and something about the way you moved on with your life, something about the way that you raised your standard and said, this isn't for me, made them go, oh, what was I thinking?

Well, and equally, there's a lot of guys who have been. Maybe they lived a lot of their young life being put in a friend box, and they learned how to get confident. in their sexual nature or their flirtation, and that will have completely changed how they were perceived. The thing I will go back to agreeing with Audrey, and this is again why I think this video really struck a chord and is helpful in its way, even if I don't agree with the idea that you're just permanently in a box. I think it helps people who are flogging a dead horse when you think, oh, if I just have this specific rule about when I sleep with them, that's gonna make them see me as girlfriend potential. Or if I say this, like, if I could just say the exact right thing in this moment, then he's gonna stop seeing me as casual. You know, if I can just, like, have all the right Jedi mind tricks. In that moment, then he's gonna flip, even though he's been treating me casually for like three, four months or six months. Like, somehow that's gonna he's gonna see all this potential in me. And I think it stops people who feel like they are holding out for someone to like, change their mind.

And if you are in that situation, actually the best thing that you can do is head over to getcommitment.com because we have a one hour training that Matt did, which is incredible. And basically, if you are in a situation where you are dating somebody, you don't really know how to get commitment from that person. You think there's potential, but also you're kind of afraid of having the conversation. This will basically guide you on exactly how to have that conversation, exactly how to influence that person in a way where they will be able to give you commitment if they are in a place where they're actually able to do that, which is obviously a big if, but it's a risk you have to take in order to get that answer. So that training is at getcommitment.com it's absolutely incredible. It's actually new as well.

We've only had it for like a month or so.

Tons of people haven't seen it yet. You should go right now and watch it. It's completely free and it's amazing.

You're going to absolutely love it. Very good. That link again is getcommitment.com the last thing I want to say about this is Tinx, the person who made that video, I think is saying something that I like from the point of view of protecting people's energy. It's a very fine balance between living in a world where you go, I have the ability to influence situations, and living in a world where you go, I'm gonna be fatalistic about everything because I've been burnt before. when I give too much to someone and I'm hoping it's going to change. Everything that we teach is about understanding that the way you communicate your boundaries, your standards and your worth is simultaneously a way to repel people who will never live up to the ideals that you want in your life. and to not let them anywhere near you if they can't live up to them, and a way to influence situations that can be influenced. So it's not an either or. It's about learning what you need to do to influence situations and realizing the same thing that influences situations when it's the right thing will actually protect you. from anyone taking advantage of you.

Such an important point. Thank you so much for saying that. And we actually, I think this is a perfect bridge onto our Love Life Line question, which is our brand new segment that we do every week where we go out to our Love Life members and ask them to send in some questions via voice note, and we pick our favorite one to answer on the show. This week we have a question from Mariana. Will you do the honors, Steven? Hey, Lovelight team. My name is Mariana. I'm from Mexico City. And the box I think that guys tend to put me is in the sleeping with me and then not knowing from them again. I used to think that it was because I was overweight or I was not pretty enough. The last few years, apart from working on myself, I've been working a lot in my body and I feel very good about how I look right now, but I'm pretty much in the same situation. I do tend to get also in the box of friendship, but the sleeping and then just leaving is the one that I feel more stuck at. I'm very tired, I'm sad, and I don't know what else to do. Oh, Mariana, that made me that, like, yeah, that's really sad. It's so hard. when you feel like you've been stuck in a box all your life and you just keep just, no matter what, it's like the film room. You're just stuck in one room all your life.

Damn.

Yeah, but it's, it's so hard and it's so common. So thank you so much, Mariana, for sending your question in and know that you're really not alone with this struggle.

Yeah. The fact that you are sometimes getting put in the friend category says, okay, well in those cases, maybe you're making a connection. But there are these other situations where it feels like maybe you feel like you have made a connection, but then you discover that their intentions are nothing more than to just have sex and then move on. There's a couple of things. Firstly, there are people out there whose intention will always be to just hook up and move on because that is all they are capable of. Like that's all they have to give. And it would be wrong of us to somehow take that personally or take it as a reflection of ourselves because them having nothing more to give has nothing to do with you. When that's the case, it's worth asking the question, is there anything that I am doing to attract people like that? Or is there anything in my patterns that is making me continue to give time to people like that? Are there any ways that I could explore sooner whether someone has more intentionality about their dating lives than this person here. And by the way, can I also have sex be something not that I'm afraid to have with someone because I think sometimes these things can create a very negative relationship with sex for people because they're now like, I'm just going to wait and wait and wait because I don't want to risk suddenly like giving up my power and then they run away and I feel bad, I feel used. But can I have sex at a time where I feel like it's given me some breathing space to assess the kind of person someone is? To assess their behaviour, their intentions. To really assess whether by the time we have sex, They've actually seen me. Like, have they at all connected really with who I am as a person? Because it's very easy in dating to get caught up in having a good time with someone who feels fun, who feels charismatic, who makes you feel like you've had a great date with them. But to ignore the fact that that person hasn't really spent any time truly getting to know you. They've been impressive, they've been fun, they've shown you a good time, but they've not, like, actually ask yourself, what do they know about me at this stage? What have they seen in me? Do I feel seen by them?

And so do you think a lot of people keep going, not realizing the emotional connection hasn't been established?

I think it's really easy to mistake chemistry for emotional connection. We may be feeling like, what the hell? Like we were having such a great time. It felt so good. I thought we had such a great connection. Why did they just disappear? But that may not be what they're feeling. They may have just been having a fun time with you while making no effort to really get to know you.

You know, it really, I think it really, it really reminds me of what I was saying earlier about like the experience that a lot of people, but a lot of women in particular feel where they are having an experience because the guy is giving them an experience. and the experience is completely fractured from the reality of how they feel. But that's actually, it's not Mariana's fault that she's not able to know that necessarily, because I do think that people are very good at kind of like, to your point, like, you know, leaning on that chemistry, showing a really good time. And we're too, we can sometimes be too afraid to show who we really are in early dating because we're scared that we're going to put someone off. And then what we end up doing, and I'm not saying this is what you're doing Mariana, but what we end up doing is we end up almost kind of going the other way where we don't actually show any of our personality. And what we are kind of subliminally communicating when we do that is basically that they don't have to make the effort to get to know who we are. and there is no real kind of price of entry into our lives because no matter what we are, we're there, we're ready for a good time with no fuss, no problems. And we do that because we're trying to be kind of really accommodating and, you know, trying to not be too much and trying to play that game. But what ends up happening is with people who aren't necessarily intentional in dating, they take that as a kind of like, You know, perfect excuse to just take everything they want from you and give you nothing in return and leave you high and dry once they've taken what they want from you. And so, Mariana, I think something that I think is so important in dating and in finding love is just being brave enough to communicate our vision of a relationship. and before you sleep with somebody, if you are somebody who does get attached after sex and for you sex has meaning and you know that if somebody disappeared it would make you feel worthless and crush you, which is a lot of people, I'm in that camp so I really relate to that. If you know that that is you, then don't be afraid of saying to somebody, sex is really important to me. Sex has meaning to me. I don't have sex with people in early dating that I don't know very well because to me sex has a certain value and so I don't, that's just not something I do communicate that because then somebody knows you're directly telling somebody to take you seriously when you communicate that and if you're too afraid to communicate that you should probably be too afraid to have sex with them because that means that the intimacy isn't there where you don't feel comfortable, you don't feel like they've made you comfortable enough to have that conversation.

Him.

And I mean, I think that means that you shouldn't be comfortable enough to have sex with them either. So we can break free from the casual box by communicating early on what a relationship means to us, what sex means to us, what intimacy means to us, what connection means to us, what we expect from somebody. And not in a really intense kind of, you know, I demand this kind of a way, but more, hey, like, Here's a fun fact about me. Sex really means something to me. There you go, you know me better. I think that's interesting. And I think somebody who's actually interested in wanting to get to know you will be interested in that information. And if it repels them, then they probably weren't interested in anything serious with you anyway.

Yeah, I agree with everything you just said. It's really, really profound and important. And it goes hand in hand with not being afraid to state what you're interested in in your love life. We tend to tiptoe around the things that we want. Maybe because we don't think we deserve them. Maybe because we're feeling like we're in a scarcity mindset in our love lives where we don't feel abundant, we don't feel like we have options. So then we feel like we have to be really careful about like not communicating too much too soon. and not blowing it with this person by looking too keen. But the abundant mindset is not one where you hold back your goals. If you're someone who is an aspiring writer, you should have the stated intention that I am, I'm going to write a book. I am writing a book, right? I've written a book. And when you go to a publisher, that doesn't mean you have no power. You only have no power if you've convinced yourself this is the only publisher you could possibly work with. Right? But you wouldn't go in thinking, I can't let them know I want to write a book. I have to let them think it was their idea. I'm gonna go and have a meeting with them, pretend like I'm just there to have fun, and if they decide that what I have to say is really good, I'll let them suggest me writing a book. No, you go in and you're like, I'm working on this book. I think you'll be really interested in it. But no matter what, like this is something that's in me. I'm excited about it. I know it's gonna, I know this is gonna resonate with people. Meeting with lots of different people right now, but I wanted to share it with you in case it felt right for you. And if that publisher doesn't call you back, or if that publisher is trying to give you a bad deal, the equivalent, the publisher's equivalent, of just having sex with you, right? Then you can take this book to many other publishers in town. You don't need to take that deal. It's yours. It's yours. It's your book. There is nothing wrong with having a stated intention in your love life. We talk about it all the time, that being excited, being excited to meet the right person, being excited to have an amazing relationship. Be excited about the potential for an amazing relationship and what that looks like to you. Don't be cryptic about that. Be excited about it. And also let people feel through your energy and through the way that you conduct yourself and the way you conduct your communication with them, that that book is getting shopped around. It is not. You don't think there's only one publisher in town. You're a writer, you're a lover. You're someone who actually gives a damn about finding a relationship. So this. This train isn't gonna wait for this person. And when you're that, it's really hard for someone to. To put you in this category of, like, I'm just gonna. They have to be like, are kind of a real piece of in that moment, or incredibly selfish at the very least, to be like, I am just gonna ignore all of the signals here and sleep with you and. And that's it.

And you can't mitigate for that.

You can't account for that.

There will always be people who will do that. But to your point, I think. Thank you so much for saying that. I think it's such a good. The king of analogies, people. So good. Such a good analogy for just this idea of like you tell people what to think of you, you tell people what you want, and the people who are on the same path as you will really respond to that. And the people who are not on the same path as you won't respond to it, but they're not your people.

And your dream doesn't belong to them. And they can't shatter your dream because that dream is happening with or without them. So be excited about your dream. Be excited about your book. It's yours. It doesn't belong to them.

I hope that helps, Marianne, and thank you so much for your question. And thank you to everyone who has sent in stuff this week. We've had some really, really great emails. Please keep them coming at podcast@matthewhussy.com All right, guys. Should we test your box savviness, your box knowledge?

Oh, yeah. I'm not even sure what that means.

Your box instincts.

Box instincts.

Okay, we're gonna go.

I got great box instincts.

I had a little rummage in your, had a little rummage in your attic. See what I could find in terms of box. Don't break the illusion. I had a rummage in your attic, quote, to find some boxes. see what we could get. Okay, we found some boxes. It was this one. Just miscellaneous wires.

So I don't remember that box.

Producer David, you want to come and help me have a look in here?

Oh, producer David on set.

I'll help you out.

I'll help you out.

This one's miscellaneous wires.

The next one.

And I actually helped Stephen find these. So this is.

Second.

We just kind of chucked everything that.

Was in it out.

And this is a. Yeah, we threw it all away. It's labeled Matt's Jiu Jitsu trophies and belts. But we thought you didn't need that. So we just got rid of everything in that.

What the.

What the hell? Sorry, next box. I was all Audrey's croissants and baguettes. Yeah, they were.

Please tell me you didn't throw away.

The contents of that box. They were very old and moldy.

It was. Those were her favorite. Croissants and baguettes.

My grandma gave me those.

All right, well, they're gone. Sorry, next spot. Oh, this was a Matt's DJ jewelry from back in the day. I think it had a gold chain and some medallions or something.

Lucky for you, that jewelry is worthless.

Okay, well, well, good. We got a few pennies for it, so. Oh, it's our feature. Oh, hold on. Something in it. This is it.

I don't know where it was.

Here it is, unboxing.

So that, sorry, you didn't need any of those.

This is just, no, we would trust, put all the boxes from the attic together and, oh, here it is, here's the feature. So what we're gonna do, this is unboxing, we're gonna pick out a few of these scenarios and you're gonna tell us what box this person is falling into. Okay.

I'm ready.

Okay. After six weeks of dating, Quinn invites you to a wedding as their plus one next month, but still has an active dating profile they check regularly.

Casual box.

Yeah, that's casual box.

Casual box just wants a a plus one to the wedding because he wants, as you said before, an experience.

Wedding party fun time.

Is that, that's quite a common wedding day, is it? Like wedding party fun person?

I think, you know, let's go to the basics there.

Does it mean something if someone invites you to a wedding?

No.

No. Right.

Okay.

Not if they're still actively, you know, going out there and dating.

Say then, say they just invite you to a wedding after three weeks of dating. Does it mean anything significant?

Yeah. If they stop dating other people, then. Yeah. But if they haven't stopped dating other people, then no.

So, if you don't know yet, but they invite you to a wedding, it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I think if they invite you to a wedding after three weeks, it should probably come with some kind of a pre- like a caveat that says, Now, I know we've only known each other three weeks. Here's the thing. My friend's getting married. I don't want this to sound like it's some very intense thing, but I actually think that it would be really fun if you came. And, but I also don't want you to feel like that's too intense. So take it as neutral.

It doesn't mean anything, either way.

I think if it's three weeks in and it doesn't come with a bit of a pre-speech, then it suggests that they're a bit in the habit of inviting people to weddings.

Got ya. All right. So, Taylor is affectionate and attentive when you're together, plans thoughtful dates, but takes one to two days to respond to texts. and seems hesitant to post about you on social media.

I think that's a problem. One to two days to respond to texts. Yes. Yeah, problem.

Okay.

Big problem. You're in the casual box.

All right. Casual again. Not doing great here.

What are the three boxes again? Casual sex box.

And commitment.

Not interested, casual and commitment. That's casual box.

I agree. But I don't think it's a red flag, someone not wanting to post about you on social media, because I think people have different rules around that.

I agree with that. I agree with that.

Yeah, I think that one is, you don't know, it depends what they're like with social media. Wait, I want this one. Okay. Sam initiates deep conversation about future goals on your second date and seems genuinely interested in your life. But when they make plans of you, it often has to fit around their already packed social calendar.

I reckon that's in between. I think it's. I don't think we have enough information because he could just be somebody who's selfish and there's a lot of people who expect you to fit into their lives, but they actually do see a future with you. But they're looking for somebody who is going to fit into their lives.

You've got one foot in the sex box, one foot in the dating box.

Sex box.

And they really need to, like, make sure at some point that they have certain conversations that mean they end up in the happy box and not in a relationship where it's been mandated that I always come second.

Yeah, that's definitely a conversation.

Okay. All right. After three dates, Jamie introduces you to his friends and mentions taking a weekend trip together next month. Oh, he texts you daily. And even though he's not always so expressive with his feelings, he openly talks about ideas for the future with you both.

Oh, that sounds good.

I think that sounds nice.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

I mean. There's a version of that where someone talks about the future with you in all sorts of ways really quickly that suggests like... But then I would say if you said first date, I'd have a bit more of an issue. I think because you said third date.

And he's introduced her to his friends.

Yeah, so he's not trying to remove her from parts of his life. And he is talking about the future. It would be It would be worse. It wouldn't be not worse, but it wouldn't be great if like it was I'm introducing you to all of these parts of my life, but I have zero interest in talking about what I want in my love life. And I have zero interest in talking about the future. Then that's like just bringing someone into your world, but with that with zero intentionality. The fact that he's actually capable of talking about the future.

Future plans are very good sign generally, right? If they're talking much further ahead.

Yes.

Not on its own, but in general it's a...

Unless they're saying like, oh my God, you're the woman of my dreams. I love you. I want to have kids with you and you've been on one date with them.

Too far future, bad. Near-ish future, good.

I want to keep seeing each other and I could see this turning into something like a relationship. Good.

Okay, you and Sam bond over movies, academic interests, and always make each other laugh. You spend a lot of time together and it feels like you're getting closer, but they haven't quite made the move. You hang out as a group and clearly have chemistry, but you don't often get a chance to spend time alone together.

You're... It's hard... you don't know what box you're in.

Could be the friend box.

It could be the friend box, or it could be the you need to at least have a punt and text them and say, do you want to grab a coffee sometime or do you want to go for a walk and see what happens if you do that? That's the, this is, there is a big problem with what you just said, which is that people get stuck in the loop of trying to figure out what box they're in. instead of proving what box they're in. And that is a recipe for wasting so much time. I think of it sometimes as like the paradox of someone who coaches you in a class or something, like a trainer or whatever, a gym instructor, where it's like, I see them every time I go to this class, I feel like there's something there. We have great connection, we have great chemistry, we have little jokes, but I don't know what they think of me. I don't know whether they're just having like, like being kind and sweet because I'm someone who comes to this class, or I don't know if secretly they want more, but they're being professional about it and they don't really know where, you know, what to do as the next move. You can spend years in that place. Constantly asking yourself, what does it all mean? All the while still going to that class, the equivalent of what you just said is still being in that friendship group, still hanging out with this person, never knowing. You can spend years in that place. And those years, what is in your head might not be real. The years you're losing while you debate it in your head are real. So at a certain point, you have to say, It's worth me doing something just so that I can reveal what box I'm in. Because while I'm debating this in my head, my actual life is passing me by. And I've watched that so many times I've lost count.

That is very good advice. Get certainty rather than live in limbo of uncertainty.

Yeah.

Get certainty quicker, then you can either move on or move forward.

Got- stop sitting inside the box where it's all dark. Step out of it and look at the label.

The box is bad. Get- what? Stupid box.

That's Stephen. This is our studio. You've thrown that into a- oh my god.

Was that Audrey's cross?

You're gonna have to pay for that.

Crossance.

Um, well guys, well done. Well done.

What was that game called again?

Unboxing.

Unboxing. Now, Stephen and Audrey, what question do you think someone might want to ask, having listened to this episode? How to get out of the friend box?

I think a question people might be asking is, what are actionable and practical things that I can do to have somebody see me? As something, as somebody they want something serious with and take me out of the casual box.

Hmm. Stephen, what's your cold read on what people are thinking right now?

I like your one, Matt. How do you get out of the friend box? And hopefully, the Love Life members are gonna watch my new course, which is actually gonna cover creating attraction in the early stages. So that will actually be a perfect compliment If you struggled to do that early on in dating.

That is all inside the Love Life program.

It is.

That is coming up inside the Love Life program, as I said at the top of the episode. I think that comes out on... I'm looking at my notes. April the 15th, Stephen's course comes out for all of our Love Life members, or as he would like to call them, pickles. If you do want to ask a question, either Audrey's question of how to go from casual to committed if you're stuck in the casual box or Stephen's question how to get out of the friend box and practical strategies for both you can ask them of Matthew AI right now by going to askmh.com go check that out and of course you can also check out our free training our master class on how to go from casual to committed which you can find at get commitment.com do both Be safe, do both.

They're both free.

They're both... Well, the Matthew AI is not... Matthew AI is free for a few minutes.

Yeah, you can ask for that.

But that's enough time. That might be enough time.

It is enough time.

Then go, what are you waiting for? Go over there, everyone.

Go and ask the damn robot.

No, it's not a robot. It's not, we've not advanced to that level yet. And what else was I gonna say before we end this episode? I suppose I was just gonna say email us. cause we really want to hear from you. Are you enjoying the new format? Is there something you want more of? Are you happy to be called pickles? I've maintained that we have not found it yet. So everyone, we need your suggestions. Podcast@matthewhussy.com and the opinions- I listen to.

The podcast and also people who are.

Part of our Love Life membership. We need these two. Yeah, we need a listener name, nickname, and we need people who are members of Love Life.

Yeah.

And members of Love Life, I do need you to weigh in because you're.

You know, you have to be okay with this.

Right?

Right.

In theory.

In theory, says the man who wants to call you all pickles. Pickle Nation. Stephen wants it to be Pickle Nation. All right, everyone, we'll see you in the next episode of Love Life. Thanks for listening.

Thanks everyone.

Bye bye.