The BRUTALLY Honest Reason They Stop Chasing in a Relationship | Rewind

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NMLs 696891 and six months in, I realize, wow, I've been doing none of the things that make me feel attractive and now I'm relying solely on this person to make me feel attractive. Welcome back everybody to Love Life. We have a caller on the line today. I know you love when we have callers. I do too. It gets real. We get to give honest advice. So caller, are you there?

I am here.

Hello. What's your name?

My name is Tori.

Tori, how are you?

Good. How are you, Matt?

I'm feeling really good. Yeah. I feel confident that we're going to help you today and we're going to make a difference in your life.

Thank you.

So when did you want to ask?

I wanted to ask you. I've been dating my boyfriend for 10 months now and I often struggle with how do I keep, you know, remain a chase or keep the attraction alive.

So, okay, when you say how do I keep it being a chase, you don't really mean that you want to kind of have a kind of game playing mindset in the relationship, do you? Where he's constantly chasing you because you wouldn't want to be doing that the other way around. I think what you're really asking is how do I, like you said in the second part of your question, how do I maintain that attraction? Right. That's the key thing because obviously it's nice in the beginning of a relationship when we have that little phase of feeling like we don't have someone. And then the chasing part is Very exciting, isn't it?

Yeah.

So. So the. The key question is this, and it's a very, very good one. Tory, I'm glad you're asking it, because many people get into a relationship and assume that the work is all done.

Yes. Yeah.

The real key thing is this. If the chase. The part where we were trying to get each other was really exciting, and now we have each other, how do we continue that excitement now that we have each other? Because I can't just keep inventing scenarios where this person doesn't have me then gets me. Right. Now you have each other. You've decided you're in a monogamous relationship, correct?

Yeah.

So now that you have each other, how do you maintain that attraction? There are a couple of ways of looking at this. Now, the first one is just in your mind to always remember this. Even though we get into a relationship and we say, I'm yours, you're mine, and so on, the reality of any relationship is that we should always be looking to invest in our partners and to show them how great we are, because nothing is ever certain. Right? We know this. We know people leave relationships all the time because someone else doesn't meet their standards. And so if you start from that mindset, you realize, you know what? Actually, the idea that we're fixed in this relationship and nothing can change is an illusion. It's something that lazy people buy into as an idea instead of saying, you know what? The truth is that either one of us could leave any day. And in order to not prevent that from happening, but in order to create a relationship that someone would want to stay in every day, I need to keep investing, and I need to make this relationship great. And if you have that in your mind, you'll also know that he has to do the same. And it's very. It's a great thing to subtly communicate that to him, that you do expect him to always want to improve the relationship and that you're willing to lead the charge there. You're willing to do that first, but you're also going to expect it of him. So in practical terms, what do you actually do to. To maintain attraction in a relationship? Well, one thing you can do is show that you're continuously growing. So how does someone grow? What do you think a key way is that someone might grow? You can. There are a bunch. So there's no wrong answer to this.

I'd say bettering yourself in all different areas. Like, I love to learn. I'm athletic. So I'd say just keeping up on those things and being excited about life and what I love to do and being passionate.

You 100% right? Just getting good at things, just learning new skill sets, just really trying to squeeze every drop out of life is absolutely one way to grow. And when you're doing that, someone else will look at you and they will be inspired. They'll see that you're someone who will bring their game up in life. Because when you're with someone who is passionate about life and gives their all to life and wants to learn new things, it's becomes slightly infectious. And you, you want that for yourself as well. So now you start saying, God, I can learn from this person. I, you know, this person can teach me something. So the fact that we're having to almost keep up with someone in that way in itself becomes a challenge. What? A lot of relationships go stale because one of the partners decides, I'm done. Like, I've got everything I need now. I'm done. I don't need to do anything anymore. So they stop doing all of the things that made them attractive in the first place. Think about it. When are single, what do they do? Many times they think, I want a partner. So I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to work out and I'm going to get some definition in my abs and I'm going to look good and I'm going to make sure that I eat well so my skin's good. Because when I go out tonight to meet someone, I don't want to look like I'm breaking out all over the place. I'm going to go and buy a nice outfit because I want to make sure that someone is attracted to me and they'll be more attracted to me if I'm in nice clothes. So let me go and buy a nice outfit. You know what? I'm going to get some cool friends. Because cool friends are people I can go out out with and have a good time with and they're going to bring my game up and that's going to make me look cool when I get a guy. They do all of these things to make themselves attractive. And then when they get the relationship, they go, well, I don't need to do any of this anymore.

Yeah, they get lazy.

They basically take themselves off the market in every way. I don't need to work out anymore. I have someone, right? And, and he says that I'm great no matter what I look like. He says that he'll love me no matter what, how much I go to the gym. I was going to go to the gym today, but he said to me that I didn't need to because he wanted to spend time with me and go to a movie and could I just. No, don't go to the gym today, babe. Stay with me. Let's just stay in bed all day. And you go, okay, I love this. He loves me just the way I am. And then you get out of shape and you don't like yourself anymore because you feel out of shape and you feel now worried and like, oh, I feel gross. And he starts to pick up on that. When you do get out of shape or when you don't feel at your best, there are times when he's like, oh, why isn't she respecting herself enough to stay in shape? Even though he was the one who said don't go to the gym. So he's like, oh, I feel slightly different. And she's like, why does he treat me different now? What happened? What happened is we stopped doing all of the things that made us attractive to someone in the first place. When we start dating someone, they're attracted to the fact that we have friends. They're attracted to the fact that we have been working out. They're attracted to the fact that we have things we're passionate about. And when we start shedding those things because we're in a relationship and we get comfortable and we say, oh, I don't need to do this anymore. I'm just happy with this part of my life. Nothing else needs to happen. We forget that life is about balance, and life is about growing in all areas. And. And this isn't about growing in all areas so that you don't care about your relationship as much. You actually have more to give to your relationship if you maintain your strength and your confidence in the other areas of it. Isn't it true that when you come back from doing something you're passionate about, or when you come back from working out or any of those things, you feel more confident and in control and sexier when you come back to your man. Isn't that true?

100%? Yeah.

So when you feel more like that, you come back and you're. You're feeling great, you're feeling. You either are excited about life, you can't wait to tell him about something, you can't wait to have sex with him because you feel sexy. Whatever it is, you feel good about those things. And he goes, wow, I'm really with a great woman here. I'm with someone really cool. But when we let all those things slip, it starts to kill attraction. And we must resist the temptation because it's very, very. Trust me, I've been there many, many times where I get relationship. And six months in, I realize, wow, I've been doing none of the things that make me feel attractive. And now I'm relying solely on this person to make me feel attractive. And the moment that's true, that person will realize that you don't feel attractive independently and then you become less attractive because they think, wow, what? You know what was really cool about this person? They were self sufficient. And when I came along, it was like they were choosing me even though their life was so great. Now I'm six months or a year into a relationship. I don't feel like they're choosing me. I feel like they need me because there's nothing else in their life anymore. And that's when someone loses attraction. So just keep doing all of the great things you do. I can hear it in your voice that you're someone who loves life, that you're someone who's ready to do all of this. Right? So don't give up on all of those things. Keep doing all of the things that make you sexy. Keep doing all of the things that make you feel like you're passionate about life and you're learning new things. Things. And I'm not saying be uncompromising, right? I'm not saying that. He says to you, you know, babe, let's just stay in and watch a movie tonight. And you're like, no, I'm going out with my friends. I'm not doing what you want to do. I'm not saying that. Right? You have a balanced, wonderful relationship. If you really like someone, you'll make sacrifices. Of course you will. But all I'm saying is, on the average, don't lose all of those things that make you great. And always take it with a grain of salt when someone says, you don't need to do any of those things, you don't need to go stop going to the gy. I don't care. Always take it with a grain of salt because very often we say those things to someone because we genuinely, in that moment, we love them and we care about them and, you know, we don't want them to feel like they have to do that to please us. But that doesn't mean that it's not attractive to us when they do things that make them happy. That makes sense.

Makes a lot of sense.

All right, well, Tori, what a pleasure. Thank you so much. For calling in.

Thank you so much for taking my call.

You're very welcome. And it's a great, great question. I know you will have benefited so many other women, men, by, by bringing it up. So take care, keep growing. And remember, by the way, in a relationship, one of the great keys is to never, ever stop flirting with your partner. I don't care if you've been in a relationship 6 months or 20 years, don't ever stop flirting with your partner. You know, you see those old couples and they still flirt with each other and you can tell they. They still have that little spark because he's still pinching her bum and she's still looking over at him with these little suggestive eyes and you think they're 85. They're still flirting with each other. That's why they're still together. You know that feeling?

Yeah.

Always keep that. Thank you so much for listening to the episode.

I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this today. I promise you, every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say. I. I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called the three Relationships. And every email is packed with advice.

On how you can improve one of.

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Sam.