This podcast episode ("The Real Reason You Haven’t Found Love (Yet)") is a multi-speaker conversation led by Lewis Howells and Matthew AI about why people—especially women in the examples—sabotage promising relationships. Key themes: chasing the wrong things out of familiarity or trauma, unhelpful instincts formed by wounds, emotional reactions that close opportunities, and retraining instincts with compassion. The episode includes illustrative anecdotes (e.g., a missed barbecue leading to withdrawal), practical recommendations (use of a year-planning "Big Ass Calendar"), and promotional material: a Matthew AI weekend retreat in Miami on October 18–19 (live and virtual tickets, discounted until July 25), sponsor ads for Sleep Number (claims: "cools up to eight times faster") and HeroBread (10% off with code fall25).
Questions this episode answers
October 18 and 19 (year implied 2025) in Miami, Florida.
Discounts available only until Friday, July 25 (mentioned as the current Friday).
A free copy of Matthew AI's Impact program is gifted to anyone who secures an in-person (live) ticket before the deadline.
Sleep Number 'cools up to eight times faster' and allows choosing an ideal comfort on either side (sleep number setting).
The Big Ass Calendar (bigarsecalendar.com) promoted with code 'lovelife' for 10% off.
Chapters
Why choose a Sleep number Smart bed Can I make my site softer?
Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?
Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side your sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night. And now during our President's day sale, take 50% off our limited edition bed shop now for a limited time only at a Sleep number store or sleepnumber.com.
Hey everyone, Audrey here. One of our New Year's resolutions between Matt and I has been to do less postmates and less doordash. Basically just all general food delivery services because we realized we were spending an extortionate amount of money getting all sorts of things delivered to our house. That's why it's been really nice to try Blue Apron Food Delivery recently. The recipes are easy to follow, everything is pre portioned and it's helping me get back into cooking again, which I haven't done for a long time. But I forgot how much I loved the meals we've tried and loved so far are the French Onion Soup, the Indian style Baked Paneer curry and the Cheesy Pesto Baked chicken. They definitely struck a good balance between flavor and nourishment in my opinion. I also love that Blue Apron offers different prep levels so so in the week if you're busy you can just heat up a ready meal to eat and on the weekends when you have a bit more time, you can actually enjoy a home cooked meal that you prepare yourself with a step by step recipe. They send you cards. It's all really, really straightforward. Their meals are chef crafted, nutrition informed and ready in 30 minutes or less. You can order now@blue apron.com and get 50% off your first two orders plus free shipping using the code Love Life 51 more time. That code is LOVELIFE50 Terms and conditions apply. Visit blue apron.com terms for more information.
Why do you think I'm going to speak for women? Because this is a lot of you coach a lot of women. Why do you think when there's a a very reasonable or available man that meets the standards of a woman in front of them that they're on a date with, that they're dating? Why is it sometimes that women sabotage that potential really good relationship that is right in front of them?
If they meet a good guy, they.
Meet a good guy, they've gone on some date, there's no red flags, there's no ick and there's like here's a guy he's got a job, he's kind. He's like. He's groomed, he's healthy.
He's.
You know, he can have some funny. He's got. You know, maybe he's not Superman, but he's got a good, good package, right? Why do. Literally and spiritually, why do women sabotage when there's a good man in front of them?
The question can be applied equally across the genders, and we all. I know I've.
I've sabotaged.
Potentially wonderful relationships before. Almost did it with the relationship that, you know, turned out to be my marriage. I almost, like, screwed that up. And. And we have to look at what's.
Why do you think you almost screwed it up?
We get into these patterns where we chase the wrong things. I can't take credit for that phrase. My wife Audrey, loves that phrase, and I got addicted to it, too, because it's such a great phrase. This idea that if you chase the wrong things, it might be fun sometimes, but until you start chasing the right things, that chasing the wrong things will always loop you back to where you started. We chase these things that feel off because it's what we know, and it feels familiar and it's. You know, you're texting me back. This person's not texting me back. I feel like this is a little more interesting.
She's laughing at everything that's wrong because she's been through it all, right? She's like, I know all this too well.
There's a.
There's a.
There's a.
There's a. You know, some of that is trauma. Some of it is our brain making this false calculation that if something is rare, it must be more valuable. Non sequitur. When it comes to relationships, someone being more rare makes them more valuable. You know, it's like when you walk past a nightclub, if they just let you in. I haven't been to a nightclub in many years. But, you know, like, when you used to walk past a nightclub, if they, like, yeah, you could come in. You were like, but the one you walk by and there's a guy with a list, and he looks at you and he's like, what's your name? You go, oh, we're not on it. He goes, well, I'm sorry. We got a line here. You go, we need to be in there. Some going on in there. Nothing's going on in there. There's a bunch of people sitting at boring VIP tables, paying too much for drinks. Like, nothing. There's no great bacchanalian love fest going on back there that you must be part of. It's a nightclub. But the way they get you into that nightclub is to make it seem like it's really, really hard to get in. And we take that, that, those, that those economic dynamics into our love life and someone stops texting us or someone feels like they're drifting and all of a sudden our brain says they must be important. You like me. What's wrong with you? You're treating me like crap and you're in and out of my life and you text me and then you go cold and then I don't hear from you. You might be onto something.
You're the one for me.
Yeah.
Yeah. This is what happens for so many of us. And we have to. So much of it is retraining our instincts. Our instincts are not. We have to be very careful with the idea that we like. Trust your instincts. Your instincts will get you killed in a boxing match. You were showing UFC in a boxing match with an inexperienced person getting in the ring. Do you know what the instinct is when a punch is thrown at their head? It's not duck. You blink. If you're not used to punches coming at you and a punch comes your way, people blink. People go blind in the exact moment they need to see because the appropriate response for a trained fighter is to slip the punch or parry. What are our bad instincts in our love lives? We all have them. You pull away from me. I chase.
Why? Choose a sleep number. Smart bed. Can I make my site softer?
Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?
Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night. And now during our president's day sale, take 50% off our limited edition bed shop now for a limited time only at a sleep number store or sleep number dot com.
I get scared. I shut down. I had a woman that I work with, you know, she was. It was all going great with this person. And then one day he had a. This is like a few dates in a few weeks in maybe he had a barbecue with his friends on a Saturday, didn't invite her and she was like so hurt. And it brought up everything for her. All of her deepest fears of abandonment and not being good enough. And he wasn't proud of her and so on.
But it was very early.
And she said to him in the middle, firstly, she was like, I'm ignoring it. I'm ignoring the fact that you didn't invite me. I'm just ignoring it.
I'm ignoring it.
I'm ignoring it because that was her first pattern. Now her instinct is, something's bothering me. Go quiet. Don't dare say it. Then in the middle of the day when he was at this barbecue, it ate her up so much that she could not say something. So then her other instinct came out, which was a kind of like barbed way of speaking. So she went, why didn't you invite me to your barbecue? She texted that in the middle of the barbecue, why didn't you invite me? And he said, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
These are old friends.
I haven't seen them in a while. I was just getting together with them. Can I call you afterwards? Now she's ashamed. She feels vulnerable. She feels like she's let her guard down. She's shown him how much she likes him by asking, like, she played her hand the same way I did when I said that that thing made me jealous. She played her hand, why didn't you invite me? The subtext is, I like you and I wanted to be invited. I've now played that card. And now I hate you for making me play that card. So. So when he said, can I call you later? She said, don't bother. Three days later, she was talking to me and saying, what should I do? He hasn't called.
He said, don't bother.
But. But we can all look at that and see what that was. We none of us know why she didn't get invited to the barbecue. We don't know. Neither did she. But her instinct in that moment sabotaged the situation before anything could ever really take root. And we all have our version of that.
Yeah, I don't even know if that's instinct or if that's just wounds.
Yeah, but our wounds create our instincts, right? So if you. If you got hurt at some stage in your life, a survival instinct was created. If you do something today, we all do these things, right? Something. Something will upset you, it will make you anxious, it will make you depressed. Or you'll. You'll. You'll have a reaction to something going on in your life that will. That you'll kind of hate yourself for, because you'll be like, why am I like this? Why am I like this? And that? And that becomes fuel for hating ourselves. Why can't I just be like everybody else? Why can't I just handle life as well as Lewis Howes? Why don't I deal with this? Well, why did I sabotage it and then we beat ourselves up. The truth is what we're doing right now is normal for someone like us to do. We are not broken. Something happened, we went through something. We've had a certain kind of a life, we have a certain kind of a brain. There is some cocktail of things that mean that you are the kind of person that in this situation reacts like this, that doesn't deserve your hatred, that deserves your compassion.
So many of you write to me all the time to tell me that no matter what happens in your life, you still don't feel worthy. You still struggle with anxiety, you still struggle with chronic overwhelm or with depression, or with simply not being in control of your emotions or having a bad relationship with yourself. And when that happens, we can have a sense of hopelessness, that things are never going to get better, we're never going to be happy, and because of our issues, we're never going to be able to really get what we want in life. I have designed a program to deal with exactly these issues by doing the detail deepest work with you and it is my weekend retreat that is coming up this October, the 18th and the 19th in Miami, Florida. We have both live tickets available where you can come and join me in the room in person, which is the greatest experience and you have to come if you can possibly make it. But if you can't make it in person, we also have virtual tickets available so that you can stream it from wherever you are in the world to live in real time while I'm on stage. We have some deep discounts available on tickets right now only until this coming Friday, the 25th of July. And for anyone who is coming to the in person who secures their ticket before Friday, I am gifting you one of my most popular programs of all time, my Impact program, which is perfect for anyone who wants to work on their ability to speak with confidence and clarity, whether it's in love or in the workplace or just in your life in general because you want to make a bigger impact. I'm gifting that program to anyone who gets a live ticket to be with me in Miami. Go to the page it's retreat access.com to get your ticket and make sure you do it before Friday because it is the best deal you're going to get between now and the event. I'll see you there.
Why choose a sleep number? Smart bed? Can I make my sight softer?
Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?
Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side your sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night. And now during our President's day sale, take 50% off our limited edition bed Shop now for a limited time only at a Sleep number store or sleepnumber.com. you know that wellness goal you set at the start of the year? It's not too late to stick with it and make your future self proud. Especially with The all in One Nutrition Shake from Cachava with 25 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber, greens, Adaptogens and more. No fillers, no nonsense, just the highest quality ingredients. Stick with your wellness goals. Go to kachava.com and use code fitness for 15% off. That's K-A-H-A-V-A.com code fitness.
