The Subtle Art Of Effective Flirting | Rewind

If you have connection with no chemistry, you may not get the call. In fact, it's possibly even likely you won't get the call. If you have chemistry without connection, you'll still get the call. Foreign to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this clip we've put together for you today. I think you're gonna love it. What, in your opinion, are the things that you can say or do on a date to create chemistry so that you can actually secure a second date instead of just having a date where there was great conversation and perhaps connection, but not the fire that makes it, that gives it the momentum to take it to that second or third date?

Well, it's well observed that there is a difference there. And that's already astute to note that the connection is different to chemistry. And some people are great talkers and they're great at opening up and being fun and just talking all night. Like, hey, like, especially people who go to business networking and stuff, they're like, talk, talk, talk, chat, chat, chat. I've got loads of thoughts and ideas and opinions, but thoughts and ideas and opinions are not what create sexual tension. They're not what create a spark, a frisson, the little, the little magic where you feel something. And I've had this, I've had this where I've gone on dates with people and been like, that was fun, or I had a nice time, but there was never a moment, there was never a moment where I felt like, oh, like, oh, that's, that's exciting. You know, I'm really intrigued by her. Or I feel physically, you know, physical pulled towards her now. And it is often, which, it should.

Be noted, is not simply to do with chemistry, isn't even to do with how good looking someone is, someone you could be sitting opposite, someone you think objectively is really good looking or really beautiful. But there's some, there's some, like, if you see chemistry as electricity that joins the two of you, there's no electricity joining the two of you. There's just them objectively looking attractive. So what is it? What's that? What do you, what in your. I've got a couple of things, Steve, to throw in the mix here, but what are the things that you think create that electricity so that it's not just two and attractive people sitting opposite each other having nice conversation?

I think one thing is there is an undeniable, there's an element of risk involved in creating chemistry. There's always an element of. It doesn't take, it doesn't take much to put yourself on the line to give an idea or an opinion, a thought. Oh, I've got this goal, and this is what I love. But. But maybe if you take a risk and notice something about them or you give a little, you know, like, even if you said you have really cute dimples when you smile, even that is a risk. It's a moment of risk. Or you. You say, you know, it's. I don't know. It sounds. You sound really cute when you laugh like that. Or that shirt looks really good on you. Like, even as small as that, as just being like, like. No, I think that shirt looks great on you. It's like, you know, shows your big shoulders. Like, I like it that you do.

Have big shoulders, Steve.

Thank you, Matt. So do you. So family. I. I think. I think, like, a moment like that registers, especially, like, in a guy's brain. A lot of. I think we've talked about this before, but I think men as a whole are less used to getting, like, a physical compliment or something that just says, oh, I noticed that about you, and I think it's attractive. They're less used to getting that. And I think men register that a lot. They remember it, and they remember something you're attracted to about them. But that always takes a moment of, you know, you're like, oh, they noticed me. They are thinking in that way. It's not that you have to be thinking dirty thoughts, but they are thinking in that way. They're thinking like, this is a date. That. That's what we're here for. We're not just, like. We're not just messing around being pals here. We're thinking, oh, I. I'm actually into you. I'm kind of. Kind of interested in you. And so there's vulnerability, there's intrigue. There's you, you know, a little bit of vulnerable, a little bit of risk. Those are the seeds that start creating chemistry beyond just. We're connecting with vibe now.

I want to add. I want to add a layer to that, because here's. I actually, as you said, you know, notice something about someone, give a compliment. There are two things. There's something that came up for me. There was two scenarios that I imagined. One was a person who was saying that in a relaxed, calm, confident way, and the other was someone who really quickly said the compliment. Like, if you imagine. Steve, any chemistry coming from this scenario, hey, how are you? Oh, my God, you look so great in that shirt. How are you doing tonight?

Yes, exactly.

There's no chemistry Steve, there is a thing I have noticed over and over again over the years that we've been doing this, and it doesn't get mentioned enough when flirting is talked about. Because of course we're talking about flirting. Right. As a way to create chemistry. As really, if you want to say, how do you get. It's kind of. You could look at it like this. How do you get someone to call you for a second date? You have to create chemistry. Right. That if you have connection with no chemistry, you may not get the call. In fact, it's possibly even likely you won't get the call. If you have chemistry without connection, you'll still get the call.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. Chemistry in the beginning could get you through a lot. Even by the way, chemistry has lots and lots of people going on dates and getting closer and closer and closer that shouldn't be. That are ultimately going to absolutely destroy each other's hearts. Right. But if you.

Lack of connection. Lack of connection will. You'll suffer later on. Lack of chemistry, you'll suffer early on.

Yes, exactly. That's exactly a nice way of putting it. Yeah, you'll. You'll. Yeah. Yeah, that's very nice. Very nice way of putting it. The. So if you want a second date, you have to create chemistry. How do you create chemistry? You flirt and then you get into. Okay, what are all the ways that. That you can flirt? By the way, for anyone who wants to go deeper on flirting, we actually have a free chapter from our program, how to Talk to Men that you can go and download that is specifically on flirting. So if you want a kind of taste of the whole program, how to Talk to Men through. Via a chapter that literally gives you specific things to say and do to flirt, go to get the free chapter.com that's completely free. You can just go and enjoy that. Here's what I've noticed, Stephen, that doesn't get talked about enough. Pace. Pace is huge. Are you. If you look at the pace of flirting, it's not fast.

Yeah.

If you. If you take what is sexy and speed it up, it's no longer sexy.

That's so true.

If you imagine any sexy situation on fast forward, it's no longer sexy. It immediately loses its sex appeal. And actually, the more it speeds up, the more it goes to comical. So on a day. What I notice universally in people who aren't good at flirting is that their speed is too high and their speed is too high because of something that's going on internally when you're trying to. If you Imagine when you're trying to even forget flirting for a moment. If you're telling a story and you rush the story, the story can easily lose emphasis. But when you ask yourself, why am I rushing through this story right now at this dinner table? It's because you're afraid. It's because you're afraid that this story isn't going to land. You're afraid that people are going to think it's too boring. You're afraid that people aren't going to listen. You're afraid that it's. You're going to look silly as you're telling it. And so what you do to compensate for all of that is you speed up. And by speeding up, you're kind of saying that the indirect messages. My story's not worth your time, so I'm just going to rush through it. The great irony, of course, is that in rushing through a story, the story loses all of its effect anyway, because certain jokes, certain moments in a story need to breathe, need that pregnant pause before the punchline. Need people to be able to imagine, need people to be able to invest. The more you rush through it, the more it doesn't even feel like a story anymore. It just feels like information you're throwing at somebody. That's the kind of. Kind of a lesson for impact. But. But if you translate that to flirting, the same thing happens. There's a subtle message we're telling ourselves and then indirectly communicating to somebody else that I don't feel comfortable in myself or my own skin. I don't feel sexy. And so anything that could create tension, I'm not going to allow to breathe long enough to create tension because I don't believe in my ability to create tension.

Yeah.

So I'm going to rush through these moments. If you want to give yourself the ultimate gift of a clean slate, I encourage you to come check out the virtual retreat happening this June from the 2nd to the 4th. Go to mhvirtualretreat.com to sign up for three days of immersion coaching with me that will last you the rest of your life.