5 Sept 2016 · 2 min
Matthew Hussey argues that dating checklists backfire because what people actually want rarely matches their stated preferences. He shares a story of a couple with wildly different surfaces, a former cheerleader and a Lord-of-the-Rings reenactor, who thrived on shared values instead. Focus on the whole person, not the list.
Hi.
I'm Matthew Hussey.
Welcome to Love Life.
It's a privilege to be able to offer you bite-sized bits of advice on this podcast that you can use every day. But what if you're ready for a big transformation and you want to do it now? You want to reinvent your career or finally find lasting love or break free from the self-doubt that's holding you back from living the abundant life you were meant to live. If you're saying, Yes, Matt, that's me, I'm going to tell you exactly how to do just that at the end of today's show. so make sure you stay tuned. First, let's get to today's episode.
We recently came across an email that went viral from a blogger who was listing the things, the checklist that he wanted from the person that he was going to be with. And we had parts of this list where she had to be a size zero to two. She had to be Caucasian, well educated. she had to be willing to have kids in the next two years. So this is a guy who got really specific about what he wanted. And of course, the online dating culture we live in now has really encouraged this idea that we need to choose from this buffet of characteristics that we want in people. In fact, I would argue that the things that we logically think we want are in complete contrast very often with the things that we'll actually go for when it comes down to it. When we look at couples that work, the way that they spend their time doesn't necessarily tell us why they work as a couple. Relationships often work in spite of their differences. I have a very dear friend of mine who, he's married to a woman who was the cheerleader at high school. She was the prom queen. She's that real girly girl. And his big passion is he likes to go into a field and do these big war games, you know, where they all dress up and do. They recreate, like, a Lord of the Rings style battle. That's his, like, hobby. That's the thing he loves to do. And these two people are crazy about each other because even though they seem so different, you'd never imagine the prom queen at school with that guy who we traditionally associate as being the kind of geeky guy. These two people have the same values underneath it all. It's not about if you look at, if she was designing who she wanted.
Paper.
Do you really think she'd go on an online dating site and say, is there a tick box for someone that does Lord of the Rings reenactments in fields? Because that is my kind of guy, baby. No, they work in spite of their differences, and that's what it's all about. So we have to understand this before we start getting so crazy with our checklists. And here's what I want to say. Right now, you might be focused on surface level characteristics and what you want them to do, what their behaviors are, what hobbies they have. But I'm here to tell you that what someone does isn't nearly as important as why they do it. And when there's someone right in front of you, we're not looking at a list of ingredients to choose from. We're looking at a finished cocktail. And we're deciding based on the intricacies of that person, the nuances and the way all of their behaviors and characteristics work together, if they represent a package that we want in our lives. So focus guys and girls on the package that you want, not on the ingredients that make up that package. I'm Matthew Hussey. If you want more information, go to howtogettheguy.com and let it change your life in whatever way you feel comfortable.
Now, if you said earlier, yes, Matt, I'm ready for a big life transformation now, then I want to invite you to apply for my retreat program. Now, spots are limited, but if you're accepted onto the program, I'll lead you through a series of powerful coaching sessions and enlightening exercises that will remove every barrier standing in between you and the extraordinary life you deserve. You'll walk away with a practical set of tools to achieve the career, love, balance and fulfillment you've always wanted. To claim your spot for a phone interview with one of my expert mentors, Just go to lovelifepodcast.com/retreat. Take care and I'll speak to you soon.
