6 Feb 2017 · 0 min
Matthew Hussey explains how to move past resentment after arguments: tell your partner you're still angry and ask for specific help. A concrete example shows how jealousy can linger even when you know it's irrational, and how vulnerability turns your partner into a teammate instead of an adversary.
Hello everyone, this is Love Life with Matthew Hussey. You know, we've all been hurt in relationships. If we're not careful, we can end up shutting ourselves off completely to protect ourselves from more pain. But that cheats us out of opportunities to find the love we really deserve. So what should we do instead? I want to come back to this at the end of the show. But first, let's get into today's episode.
I wanted to talk today about how to recover from an argument, because one of the things that damages relationships isn't having the arguments themselves. It's the amount of time that people actually take to recover after an argument. If we can have a discussion or have a debate about something or have a disagreement and then quickly snap back from it, that's a very powerful place to be. Now, the hard part is when we're in a bad place after an argument, because very often, and I know you will have had this before, I've been in an argument where afterwards I still don't feel right and I don't know quite how to get over it in that moment. I want to. You know when you have that feeling where you go, I want to be okay right now. I want to move on, but I don't know how. Like, I'm still angry or something is still bothering me. Those moments, I believe are moments where you have to get a little bit vulnerable. I always remember an instance, I'm gonna get a little personal with you. I always remember an instance where in the early stages of a relationship, the person I was with was downloading photos from their phone from the last three years onto their laptop. And we were both sitting together as this was happening and it was flashing through the photos as it does when you download them. and one of the photos was a naked photo. And I saw this, and of course, you know, I mean, you know immediately what it is. It's something that has been sent to someone before you, and it broke my heart in that moment. Now, this is actually a very irrational kind of jealousy, if you think about it. It was before you. I know that whoever I'm with, I would love for them to send me naked photos. So I can't be angry at a previous guy for expecting the same. But it made me angry. It made me angry and I was annoyed and I was jealous and I was territorial. And in my irrational part of my brain was like, how could you send someone else a photo like this? I was so angry. But I knew that I didn't have a right to be, but I couldn't get over it. And she was apologetic and she said, no, I'm so sorry you had to see that. And it just, it so, I hate that you saw that. And I remember 10 minutes later still being in this place where I was thinking about it. And eventually I opened up and I said, listen, I know that I don't have a right to be angry right now, but I am. And I need you to help me. I don't know how to get over this right now. I just need you to help me get over it. I don't know how. Just help me. Now, the beautiful thing about this is that you're giving someone a roadmap. You're not just going in... Many people in arguments, they just go into themselves and they don't give people a clue about how they can help. So they're waiting for that person to say the perfect thing. They're waiting for that person to say something that's going to solve it, but they're not actually helping them or giving them guidance. If you can say to somebody, Listen, I'm just being sensitive right now, but I need you to help me. Just be on my side and help me right now. What you're really doing is being a great teammate because you're showing them how to help you overcome your feelings. You're making them a partner in getting over this situation instead of alienating them and going inside yourself, which only means that they now look at it as a hopeless cause. They go, oh, nothing I'm saying is working. You're still in this bad mood. And then they shut down. Instead, you're making them a teammate in the situation. So if you can't get yourself over an argument in the moment, appeal to them for help. Be vulnerable. Tell them that you're feeling sensitive. Tell them that you're still angry, but also tell them that you want them to help you. Because then you give them a roadmap. And that's something that we all want with our partner, is give me the answers. Tell me how to solve this problem. And then of course it makes you the most beautiful thing you can be in relationship, which is a genuine team.
At the beginning of today's show, I brought up the question, how can we open ourselves up to love again when we've been hurt? In one of my live seminars, I actually coached a woman through this in a Q&A session, and I want to give you free access to it today. I call this video the 3 Female Mindsets that Drive Men Wild, and it's filled with empowering and practical advice that you can use today. To get your free access, just go to lovelifepodcast.com/mindsets.
