They Don’t Commit Until These 4 Things Are True

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Amica, empathy is our best policy. Welcome back to another episode of Love Life. Today we are talking about the essential things that someone else needs to know about us or needs to see in us for them to commit to us. What are the most important factors in deciding if a person is worth committing to. We also put out a poll to all of you asking you why you haven't committed to someone in the past. And we are gonna be talking about what you should look for in a potential relationship if you're deciding whether to commit to somebody. Also coming up in the Love Life Coaching Program for all of our LiveLoves, is that what we're calling everyone?

It is at the moment.

It's the best we've got. We have a live coaching group with Stephen, On June the 13th, I am going to be doing an Attraction Formula Masterclass on June the 16th. There's a lot of talk about this one. For everyone who was there in Dating Made Simple, you know I went into four different components that are necessary for deep and lasting attraction. Well, I am going to be breaking these down in detail in a masterclass on June the 16th. And there is a live coach check-in with Audrey on June the 19th.

Hell yeah.

Wow, so that's what you're doing on my birthday.

Yeah, I guess so.

You're not spending it with me, you're spending it with the Love Life coaching group. Yeah. No, it's fine. That's fine.

Way to pick a date, Ord.

I didn't pick it.

For anyone who wants to join the coaching program that is Love Life, which is apparently this year part of ruining my birthday, you can do so at joinlovelife.com. Calm.

Why don't we just have your birthday cake live inside the community and get you to unwrap all your presents and your cake?

Well, it says you're gonna check in with the community. It doesn't say you're gonna sit and eat my birthday cake in front of the community.

I'm very happy with the birthday cake plan.

We'll think about it. And Stephen.

Oh, before we begin, I just. Sorry, I'm buzzing.

See, we're in the middle of a podcast.

Oh, that is a good text. Sorry. Oh, because that relates to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who? Oh, he does look like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, from the third one, Prisoner of Azkaban. Yeah, yeah, he does. Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm recording. Hang on, I'll catch you soon. All right, yeah, yeah, thanks, thanks, bye.

Who was that?

I was. I was just having a chat with Matthew AI. He's just giving me some killer texts to send to someone I'm dating.

I can't. You guys have been getting on very.

Well lately, haven't you?

I.

He's just helping me out, you know? I'm. Sometimes I'm just. Things are running dry. I'm like, how do I keep this going? What's something I can say right now to attract or get emotional connection? Just anything I need.

He's there. I mean, and he's hilarious. Yeah, no, that. That seems to be the case. I can't say I love the fact.

That I'm the butt of your jokes with Matthew AI, but I am.

Are you.

I think we, I didn't say we were talking about you.

Okay, because you looked at me when you said it.

Oh, did I?

Anyway, I am happy that you guys, he seems to be a very great support for you, as he is to so many people right now. I mean, we have thousands of people who are using Matthew AI to improve their love lives, to improve their confidence, to decode situations, to figure out what to say or do next, to get over emotionally difficult situations like heartbreak and the end of relationships. if you haven't tried it yet you can do so and get all of the wonderful support that Stephen's getting right now by going to askmh.com where you can actually get a free trial of Matthew AI you can literally go and speak to Matthew AI for a few minutes for free and see what it can do for you so go check it out askmh.com now put your phone aside yes Stephen, put that phone away. Well, we'll start today with a little email from one of our listeners, Mel. Audrey, would you do the honors?

And I especially picked this one out because I think it's about a very important subject.

I haven't read this. I'm excited. Hi everyone. Just writing that I actually loved the Steve Slez from episode 297. Of course you picked this.

Yeah. So that's what you meant when you said I picked the. Okay, got it.

It was speculation about why Disney couples broke up. I loved it. The reason why is because we all know Disney couples give everybody unrealistic expectations about love. Putting a real life spin on it and examining how relationships can fall apart is brilliant. I'm a hopeless romantic, but at this point, I've learned that there are no fairy tale endings and I think other people need to accept that lesson as well. Disney takes couples that are complete opposites and pairs them together with the belief that it will all work out in the end, but that simply isn't true. Some people do well with opposites, others do not. Why is it so acceptable for Disney to kill off a parent in every single movie, but not give us a realistic portrayal of relationships?

Good point.

This episode of Steve's Sleeves was black coffee, no cream, no sugar. Maybe we all need some of that for a change. Yeah, yeah. At any rate, don't be so hard on him. It was brilliant in my opinion. I love listening to you all and.

I love the show, Mel. Don't be so hard on him.

Who's being hard on you? You guys got a little tetchy at.

The end of that one.

Well, certainly Audrey did. I did, did we?

I did. She nearly killed Steve Sleeves. I did not nearly kill Steve. That is an exaggeration. Do you know why? There's always no mum in Disney. You know, she says that they always kill off a parent. Apparently, I read somewhere that it's because Walt Disney's mum died when he was younger. So all of the Disney movies he created henceforth had no mum because he had lost his mum. Is this true, this theory? I'm pretty sure it's true, yes.

It's really inflicting that on generations, isn't it? I mean, yeah.

But he had a happy relationship. So did lots of happy relationships.

You can't show one breakup.

But that's why, you know, like you look at all of the different ones and it's, yeah.

Wow. Well, thank you, Mel, for validating our choice to keep Steve's sleeves alive. The people have spoken.

Thank you, Mel. And as a lover of black coffee, I'm very happy with your analogy as well.

And I do hope that we're not going to regret the decision to keep Steve's sleeves around at the end of this episode when we hear today's Steve's sleeves. so, Steve, why don't you take us through the poll that we put out there on this subject of, you know, what makes someone commit and what are the reasons that we don't commit to someone? Yeah.

So we put out a poll question asking, what is the main reason you have not committed to someone you've dated in the past? And we had some interesting answers. So the options were you don't feel attraction to them. you don't have an emotional connection, you don't like their values slash lifestyle, or you're worried you can't trust them.

What do you think, Matt, in the past has been the reason why you haven't committed out of those four? If you could draw a picture.

What was the final one?

You're worried you can't trust them.

Worried you can't trust them. So, Let me see. I would say probably the biggest reason was not feeling a deep enough emotional connection.

Do you think so?

That was mine too.

And maybe even, and maybe I would even remove the word emotional because I would say didn't feel enough of a connection, period. Like, you know, maybe there was attraction, maybe it was fun, but it wasn't like a there either wasn't a deep enough emotional connection or there wasn't a deep enough kind of intellectual connection. And I don't mean just like, you know, I don't mean the superficial side of that, like, have we read the same books or we. I just mean that feeling you get when you kind of leave a movie with someone and you discuss your opinions on the movie and you feel like you've got a sparring partner.

Yeah.

Versus like, you're just talking and someone else maybe is curious about what you're saying or finds it interesting, but they're not there with you.

They just go, oh, that was scary. Oh, that was fun.

I think, I think...

He hasn't just dated dummies.

They just say, oh, I wasn't gonna go that far.

They just say the genre of the film.

No, I think it's just more the sense of like, feeling feeling really seen and that you're both kind of, you both process things and kind of think about the world in similar ways.

Okay. Would you want to hear the results? Yes.

Yeah.

So the results for this, I will say, are the most even spread of any of our polls. So we literally, this is nearly an even spread. 26% was because they don't feel attraction. 23%, the lowest actually, was don't have emotional connection. 25% was they don't like their values or lifestyle, and 26% was you're worried you can't trust them. So literally nearly a quarter per answer, which makes me kind of think is this one where it's like, it's the everything stupid. It's like a bit. It's like these things all really matter in a big way.

Yeah, that's really interesting.

Because I think of me personally, I've probably ended up maybe values or lifestyle sometimes where I just go, We're not gonna quite fit. Like, we don't have the same priorities. Maybe like the stuff I'd like to do on a weekend is different. They'd like to spend their time, you know, just like we're not gonna fit well. That one comes up frequently for me in the past.

Like, we just like doing- why, what would you like?

We just like doing different stuff.

What would be an example of what you wanna do, but someone's just not wanted to do?

I don't know. Just, it might just be like, you know, I like alone time or I just like to sometimes be quiet. I'm introverted. I like intellectual pursuits, you know, I like reading. And sometimes I might just be like, no, we're not gonna fit. They want to hike every weekend. They want to do stuff all the time.

And they want to be out of the house.

Yeah, or values. They might just be like, they're not as ambitious as I'd like, or they're not as sort of, I don't know, driven or is it, I'm curious because.

Ambition is an interesting word. Do you mean when you say that, do you mean ambitious or do you mean independent? You know, they've got their own things going on.

Independent is the right word. I don't care that someone has enormous dreams. It's more like being somewhat driven. Yeah, yeah. But I said about having, having, having. control of their own life and the things in it, like they've got a certain, you know, their stuff together.

But I think that's an interesting point, right? Because what you just did is a good example of what so many of us do, which is we sometimes mislabel things and it ends up actually confusing us later down the line. 'Cause we go, I just want someone who's more ambitious. And really what we mean is, I want someone who I don't have to babysit or I don't want. I want someone who has their own things going on. I want someone I don't feel like I have to support completely. Right. And then, by the way, for some people, ambition might be the right word. But it. I do find it interesting sometimes when we look at what's the need behind the thing we felt was missing that wasn't being served. Yeah. And are we giving it its proper label? Yeah. Have you changed your stance, Stephen, on needing someone who reads a lot?

You've asked me this before on the podcast.

What if you've changed your stance? Yeah.

And I did say, no, I think it's about being a learner, being curious. I mean, yeah, a lot of people who are learners and curious read books. But I've always said it's not like, oh, someone has to read War and Peace or something lofty. It's just like, I like to be able to share I do. Learning stuff together.

Yeah. Yeah.

Someone who's always learning is interesting in conversation inherently. Yeah.

I actually agree with that. I agree with that. I think that's really important.

But not to everyone.

Not to everyone.

That's the thing. That's what makes compatibility so fascinating. Is that that's important to you two, but there's some people, that's not important to them at all. No.

And they get all they get that served by other people. they don't care if their partner has it or not. So some people just say, well, that's not what I'm looking for in my life partner.

Yeah, which is sort of a different thing, right? It's like, yeah, I do have that need, but I don't need that from the person that I'm with.

Right, right.

Yeah. And we've heard, I mean, when we had Esther Perel on the show, she literally said, you know, we look for too much from our partners and we don't spread it around our community enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And this is the tricky one with competitor, you know, with choosing whether to commit or whether not to commit. I think you can get the everything syndrome of I need to get absolutely everything. And I'm, I'm kind of looking here for, like, boiling it down to some core needs. And I wrote an article on this once that was very, very well received. So here's some that I came up with in that article, and I wonder what you think of them. I don't know if it covers everything, but. I think it covers like, it helps as a heuristic. So the first one I put was, you just need some kind of, you need some threshold of physical chemistry.

Okay.

Doesn't need to be the most sexy, amazing thing, you know, person you've ever seen in your life and blah, blah, blah. And I do think people can go for this shiny object thing. They're trying to get someone that looks impressive or to validate them. I think that's a mistake, but You need some chemistry.

And that's what you're pointing out there is the difference between genuine physical attraction for somebody and ego. Ego says, I want someone that when I walk down the street with them, or I walk into a coffee shop with them, they turn heads. Or when I introduce them to my friends and family, they're all gonna walk away going, oh my God, they're so gorgeous.

Right.

That that's a very different thing from who do I actually experience real physical.

It's a very different thing. I think it's a very different thing. And it's not always linked to this, like, you know, crude scale of who's gonna make my friends go, oh, my God, like, well done sort of thing.

And so often, the people that are the most kind of textbook good looking to the outside world are not necessarily the people that you actually feel.

Oh, for sure.

Chemistry with.

Yeah.

That's happened to me before where someone Like, you can tell it's just objectively gorgeous, but I don't feel anything.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. And the sex could not be as good, all that stuff. But you do need some physical chemistry. You need that embers.

And to qualify that, there's a moment in my new book, Love Life, where I make the point that you shouldn't comparison shop for chemistry, meaning when you're looking for chemistry, And I think you've actually made this point in a slightly, in your own way, where you say, like, chemistry is a box to be ticked. But it's not like a, the way I think of it is it's not a sport that someone needs to win. Someone doesn't need to win the competition of the most chemistry you've ever felt with somebody. And what you shouldn't do, this is a very, a massive mistake people routinely make in their love lives, is they compare the chemistry that they feel for the person in front of them now with the most chemistry they've ever experienced with someone in the past. And they say, oh, I just don't feel that thing that I felt before. And often the situation that produced the most chemistry was a specific kind of cocktail of factors that, you know, created it. Yeah, it might be that there was a like, you know, there was something about it that felt particularly mysterious or sexy. It might be that there was a time frame on that relationship.

Or a heightened emotional state, a vacation mindset.

Yeah, maybe you met that person on vacation and you were leaving them two weeks later. And it's like, of course that produces chemistry. There's this artificial kind of like intensity that's produced by the fact that something's gonna end.

Yeah.

Anyone who's been in a relationship for many years knows that things ebb and flow. It's not like the same chemistry you felt on day one is going to exist in a uniform fashion for the rest of your life. So I think we have to be very careful about the chemistry that we have in our mind that we're trying to attain, because this is the peak that we've experienced before. And if, by the way, if I just want to say this before we move on, if you experienced it before, but now you don't have it, then by definition, that chemistry had a shelf life. Right. Do you know what I mean? Like, it didn't pass the fundamental test, which is, could it last?

Yeah.

Yeah. It didn't last. So it, you know, like, you have to factor that in when you're going, oh, but I don't feel with this person the way I felt with that person. Yeah. Well, that person's not around anymore, so how great could it have been? Yeah.

Yeah.

But anyway, okay, let's go. So we've got chemistry number one.

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Well, and that's especially relevant right now because Father's Day is coming up and also my birthday.

The public holiday that is Matthew's birthday.

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And now back to the episode.

Number one, chemistry. Number two, how easy or difficult it is to get your needs met. So this covers quite a few things, but you might have a need, for a certain amount of affection. You might need, a certain amount of respect or a certain amount of intellectual conversation. You might need, whatever it might be a certain amount of touching. How easy or difficult is it to get that need met? Does it happen once a week? Does it happen every day? Is it once a month? I think this just gives you a sense because you can mistake it sometimes like, oh, it got, yeah, they did it then, so maybe that's okay. But, you know, as we referred to in our previous conversation, frequency matters. And do you have to fight really hard to get someone to even pay attention, to ask you about your life, to give you affection.

You're right. A lot of people are. They become kind of Beggars in their relationship when it comes to certain core needs that they have. And then when we get used to the fact that our needs aren't being met by someone or we learn to just be intensely grateful for the scraps that we get when those needs do get met, we start to disconnect from those parts of ourselves, you know, because it becomes really painful. If you take someone, for example, who really values affection and the person they're with is really withholding of affection or doesn't value affection, that over time, if you feel that all the time, it starts to really damage your confidence. You stop thinking of yourself as an attractive person or as a desirable person. And then that becomes really painful. so it almost becomes too painful. So now you start to detach from that part of yourself, or you start to numb that part of yourself. You kind of disconnect from it because you're like, well, I can't keep feeling pain every time I want this thing. Yeah. So I kind of need to, like, find a way to turn that need off. And then now we start to kind of fracture ourselves within the relationship, and. And there's a lot of people who leave relationships. not realizing just how much of a deep hunger there is for something. Yeah. Because they've gone without it for so long. Yeah. And then the first time they meet someone who doesn't find it difficult to give that thing, it's like, you know, this unbelievable moment of, oh, my God, like, this is how it can be.

Yeah, I'm sure a lot of people experience that when you're in your new relationship and you have, like, easy communication, peaceful or affection, things like that. You're like, oh, wow, this is what it's like when the need gets satiated.

So same with, like, a sex drive compatibility, which I think is, is such a big silent killer of relationships if you have incompatible sex drives. And to your point, if you want to have sex, a certain amount of times a week, and the other person doesn't want to do that, and you're just perpetually feeling rejected by the other person. It's so, it's so horrible.

So that's number two. Number three is, do you feel you respect the way they spend their time?

Oh, that's a big one.

So just lifestyle compatibility. And I think this is where sometimes another way we get tripped up. looking for a unicorn. We look for someone who fits all of our interests and hobbies and likes the same kind of movies and all that stuff. I think there's like almost you can share 30% of that and that's great. There's a percentage that is helpful to share for sure. But with the rest, it's more about just do I respect the way they spend their time? Do I feel you know, I might not be into it, but I'm like, oh, that's a cool thing they go and do, or I respect that, or they have that interest, and I'm cool with it. If you feel like they go get blind drunk every weekend and party, and I just do not care for that lifestyle at all and have no interest, that's going to affect your relationship because you might lose respect. You might be like, I don't like the way you live. It doesn't match me. So, yeah, I think just respecting the way someone spends their time Yeah, it's.

Really interesting that, 'cause it's, you're right. If I think of like, on the weekend, you'll go around watering all of the plants. It's lovely. It's like a lovely thing. And it doesn't ask anything of me. It's actually a nice time where I can do something that's important to me. But there is a, I do have that sense of like, oh, I really respect this. passion that Audrey has. And it is hard when someone is constantly engaged with something that you don't. It's almost. It's tricky, isn't it? Because you have to. Part of seeing someone, I suppose, is seeing if. If you can connect with what they get out of a thing. You know what I mean? Like someone could. be laying on the sofa on a weekend watching reality shows. Yeah. If you respect them as a person and you respect kind of their gen, their sense of purpose in life, then it's not like you have to necessarily think this is a great way to, like, I would see this as a great way to spend my time. You might just respect the fact that that's how they switch off. Yeah. But I suppose if you really don't respect reality shows, but you also didn't respect what they're doing the other 80% of the time, that would start to be a problem. Yeah.

I think in the context of commitment, it's where it gets really interesting, right? Because you've said it before, people are looking, they're not looking at like this isolated thing that you're doing. They're looking at it and they're projecting into the future going, how is this going to affect me for the rest of of my life. So if I see this person, to your point, like going out and getting drunk all the time, you're not going, oh, they just enjoy drinking and that's the way they socialize and let loose with their friends and it's fine. You're going, how does this play out on a five and 10 and 15 year timeline?

Yes.

And do I want that in my life? Do I want that kind of, of a partner in my life every single day? Because when you're looking at commitment, that's what you're looking at, essentially. You're looking at, can I share my life with person.

Yeah. That's the, that's the key thing about all of this is trajectory. You look at, like, what's the, you, you see these things and you're constantly deducing what's the trajectory of my happiness with this person.

Yeah.

Well, that's why communication is, is such a big one on your needs, because it's, it's not about the odd fight. It's like I've really valued peace in a relationship. Now, and I think a lot of people do as they get older because you just go, man, more time spent in peaceful situations is so much more preferable to dramatic, tense, recover from the fight. Maybe it's passionate and all that, but you're like, I can't do this for another day. I can't have another decade of these kind of relationships.

It's so costly to be with someone who makes too much of everything. so costly. When you're constantly placating, firstly, when you're with someone like that, you're always placating them because you don't want to agitate them because you know that that's a ruined day if you do agitate them. So like you then are walking on eggshells. That takes energy. You're managing what you do and say all the time. And if you do inflame that person, It's then afterwards you're like, now we've got to recover from this. That's going to take time and energy. It's a, it's really a not a nice place to be. And if you're someone who actually values time, values life, has things they want to achieve, has things they want to do, all of that is taking time and energy away from what's important to you, from your purpose, from your mission, from other great relationships that you have that you can't enjoy because you're like, any. I mean, listen, anyone who has ever had a family member who's been in one of these kinds of relationships knows that it's really hard for that family member to stay as close to everyone.

Yeah.

Because they're constantly managing somebody else.

Yeah.

Yeah. So they start to grow distance. So the cost is just so high of being in a relationship with someone who's difficult in those ways. I. I like to think about it like. A great relationship needs two communicators and two leaders. And I think of those things as almost like two sides of the same coin. Communication is what allows me to feel resentful about something and to talk about it. so that you know that I'm resentful and together we can figure that out. And my ability to do that basically can kill arguments before they ever happen. So you need good communicators, because otherwise you get to the end of a relationship and you look back and you go, well, you had all these problems and I never knew about them. Yeah. Or you just have situations in the middle of a relationship where someone explodes. and you had no idea that they were so frustrated. And now you're dealing with the Fallout of a real explosion. But when I say it needs two leaders, that means two people who are actually looking at the relationship and going, what does it mean for me to be a better partner today, even without being prompted?

Yeah. And, like, subtle Clues in terms of someone being commitment worthy. that is one that I subconsciously really look for. If I see early on, someone can really clearly talk about the relationship in that way or unprompted, oh, they're thinking about the needs of this. It's like, and they can communicate it without drama. I'm, I find that so appealing and attractive.

I have a question for you guys because it all relates to this. It was actually something that came up in the second point around the ability to get your needs met. It kind of, it's all, we're circling around this thing. I'm just, I'm really curious to get your thoughts because what you're describing is somebody who is actually able to emotionally regulate and kind of look at, take a bird's eye view approach to the relationship and not almost get sucked into what they need in one moment and kind of their own perception of something and instead looking at it as like, what's, you know, what's needed for the relationship? How does the other person feel about this? I wonder if I, you know, I had a part to play in this, Etc. How much do you guys think you should learn to meet your own needs in a relationship before demanding somebody else to meet your needs? Because, like, in a, in the case of an argument, for instance, and an ability to, like, almost preempt and communicate all of that. That requires a level of meeting your own needs and self-regulating that is quite difficult for a lot of people. So I'm just curious how much you guys think that that part that plays a part in all of this.

There's a level of personal ownership that's necessary. So if you've been, if you've, if you have for the last three days, been difficult or anxious or grumpy, you know, there's something going on inside, right? There's something that's constantly making me grumpy. Maybe I'm stressed, maybe I'm overwhelmed, or there's something that's making us anxious. Maybe, you know, there are certain big things that we're worried about right now. And that's at the heart of our anxiety.

Not necessarily related to the relationship either, right?

No, it doesn't have to be related.

Work, it can be anything.

But it's coming out in a way that's harming the relationship.

Because you're in a grumpy mood or...

Someone's experiencing the worst side of us constantly. If someone is just fully unconscious, they can continue being difficult with their partner until wherever their anxiety is coming from is resolved. But if it doesn't get resolved, then they just keep taking it out on their partner. It takes, and this is where I think leadership is so important. You know, communication says, Hey, the reason I've been showing up in this way over the last three days is because this has been on my mind. And I'm sorry about that. That's communication. Leadership goes a step further. Leadership says, I am also going to take responsibility for improving my state here because I don't want to keep bringing you this energy. So what do I need to do? And it might be that talking to you is helpful. So, you know, that's one of the beautiful things about a healthy relationship is you can talk about where your anxiety is coming from and your partner can help you feel better or reassure you. But leadership is also saying, it's not just, I'm not going to constantly ask for my partner to be the thing that makes me feel better.

Yeah.

What do I need to do? Do I need to spend an hour in therapy? Do I need to go out and do a workout so that I can actually change my state? Do I need to start to learn how to self-soothe or meditate or change my breathing or What ritual do I need to have in the morning that's gonna connect me with a much more abundant state and feeling a greater feeling of positivity? Leadership says, it's not just my job to communicate what's wrong to my partner, it's also my job to try to actually lead with what I bring to the relationship. Do I leave my partner better than I found them after an interaction? And if I don't, then I need to start taking accountability for that.

And by the way, from a point of view of commitment and actually convincing somebody that you are a really good choice of person to commit to, I think that is so important.

Yeah, because when someone sees an amazing point, that's the deep stuff. That's really deep stuff.

Yeah.

It's not what should you do on a date? It's who are you to be around? And does someone get glimpses into like a level of presence, accountability, communication and leadership that makes them realize like, oh, I'm in safe hands. Because that I think is the feeling. The feeling is I'm in my happiness. is in safe hands here.

That's exactly right.

Yeah, and I trust you.

And I trust you.

26% of people saying they're worried they can't trust them. I think there's different levels of trust. And I think that's one of them. It's, I trust you that you're not.

An insane person who's gonna make my life miserable. But that's a really, that's an astute way of seeing that. 'Cause I can guarantee most people, when they saw that part of the poll, it was cheating. It was like, oh, I can't trust them not to betray me. But there's a, in some ways, a much more nuanced version of trust that you're talking about, which is, do I trust you with my happiness? Do I trust that I can, in a sense, put my life in your hands in this relationship and put my investment into this relationship, and that there won't be a much more subtle form of betrayal, which is that you'll simply give up on being the best partner you can be. at some stage.

It really features heavily in marriage as well, from the point of view of people feeling like they can't trust someone to financially ruin them if they separate. Like, again, if you're dealing with somebody who you can see is just a consistently across the board, very reasonable, able to communicate, like has good values, et cetera, et cetera, you're then more likely to be able to say, like, well, I'm comfortable with marriage with this person because you know, whether it's like we separate, we have kids, whatever, I know that this person will handle things with grace because I see them handling things with grace in other areas.

Yeah, there was a situation in our lives where, you know, someone that you could have been incredibly, had incredibly malicious intent towards for how, you know, how much they kind of deserved it. You basically you put up very, very clear boundaries and you walked away from that situation. But there was no, like, spite or malice in the way that you treated this person. And you could have been forgiven for being that way, but you were very big about the situation. And that was something that, like, built real trust for me. because I was like, you know, plenty of people at the end of a relationship. And I'm not suggesting how relationship is going to end at any point, but we all think of these things. Who would this person be on their worst day? And who would this person be on the day where they dislike me or hate me the most? And I saw you in a situation where you behaved with nothing but class in a situation where you could have turned into an extremely malicious person and you didn't. That was like a huge for me, seeing that was like, oh, well, I would never treat you the way this person treated you. And even.

So, I'm good. And even.

No, but I was like, even then, like this, she behaved with class. That's really, really rare. Yeah, I didn't, you know, because some of us, like, we, it, let's be honest. There's people we know in our lives who when they turned spiteful towards someone because they didn't like something someone else did, a monster came out and we comfort ourselves that will, you know, well, yeah, but we'll never be on the receiving end of of that because we'll never wrong them. So we kind of in a way, we like sidestep what we just saw. But those moments matter. Who we see someone be in those moments and whether they act with integrity class character, that's who they are on their worst day. That's who they are when their better angels fail them. So I think those things we don't realize, like part of getting to commitment is who we show ourselves to be. In all of our other relationships, when that person is observing. Yeah.

And all our micro interactions, like how easily, how good are you at forgiving small things? How good are you at appreciating? How good are you at keeping your word and, you know, money? Are you, am I worried you're gonna go buy a car one day that's three times more than we can afford and do something stupid? And it's like, oh no, I can't ever trust this person to like, Manage our lives. All these things really are like stuff we're calculating.

Yeah, so true.

So what was the fourth way that we decide whether we should commit to someone?

The fourth one is just shared intention. Let's say a shared vision. Not everyone knows what the next 10 years of their life will look like, but you at least need to both buy into a vision you want to build together. So if one of you's like, I'm gonna move to the Caribbean next year and I'm gonna just live a completely different life, and you're like, oh, well, I've kind of set up my corporate career here that I'm really into, and I don't want to do that. Or if someone wants a completely different view of marriage in the next few years, they have completely different views on it than you. There's lots of things people do end up negotiating on when they go, that wasn't my choice.

One.

But I met this person. and actually I want to do that sooner or I want to have children sooner. But you do, you can't get in knowing that you don't at all feel like you're in the same stage or vision of what you want at least in the next like two to three years.

Yeah, and I think people aren't discerning enough about that actually. I think, like, I think you're right, if someone's being highly intentional, they'll look at all those four things. Oftentimes when someone has enough chemistry, Enough respect, enough like, you know, all of those things that kind of be like, oh, I'll just, I'll just deal with that vision part later. And then they end up committing to somebody or, you know, going deeper with somebody who isn't actually able to make them happy.

Yeah.

Because that's actually one of the most important ones, if not, well, I don't want to say it's the most, but it's really, really important. Someone who's just like long-term compatibility.

Yeah.

Someone who's just not excited to build that or is kind of like, I don't really want to like move in together and do those sorts of things. Like you need to at least it your timelines might vary in little bits and everyone has different visions for their life. They do end up changing, compromising. But at the beginning, you can't get in thinking this person doesn't even want the thing that I want.

I also think like a pro tip from the point of view of like being an effective convincer of why you should someone should commit to you. is to instigate those kinds of conversations around vision and the future. Because if you can really understand what somebody wants in their lives and what they want to achieve and almost start building that vision out together and you incorporate yourself in that vision because you're by default talking about it as you and them, or a way in which you would agree that that would be really fun or really exciting. I think it makes the other person go, again, you project into the future and go, this person, I could do life with this person.

Yes.

And so I think actually taking a keen interest and almost sharing in on that vision and at the same time discerning whether or not that vision is compatible with your vision, I think is a really powerful exercise.

And applying a lens of curiosity rather than judgment to that when you ask those questions. is really important because you may not get the answers that, that you would like in terms of compatibility, but what you want is honest answers. And when people bring baggage to early dating because they're sick and tired of people who don't want to commit and they're sick and tired of people who, you know, don't want a relationship and don't have the same Vision and want to stay single forever and like, that breeds a lot of resentment. And so now when we go to people and ask questions about their vision, we get mad when they give the, what we perceive to be the wrong answer. But it's actually about applying just cure, like we should tell ourselves it doesn't matter what they say because I'm at the beginning of a process with this person. So it really doesn't matter. Yeah, exactly. I'm just going to apply a curious lens to this. And by the way, for anybody who wants to learn more about how to do any of this practically because we're speaking quite high level right now. We have an amazing new master class which is all about how to get to commitment.

And it's free.

And it's free. I'm literally, we've had many, many tens of thousands of people who have come through this now. If you haven't listened to it, you can go and, well, you can go and watch it at getcommitment.com. uh, we haven't talked about this enough, actually. This is brand new. And we've had so many exciting things happening this year that we're like, this is one of those really exciting things that for a lot of people has slipped under the radar. It is literally a, it's over an hour, but it's a free masterclass for anybody who is struggling to get commitment today and wants to know, practically speaking, how to apply The messages that we're talking about in today's episode. So you can go and watch that@getcommitment.com.

I'm glad you said that actually, because I was concerned that we were being very kind of heady about it, but you're right, it's like all the practical nitty-gritty side of things is contained within that webinar.

Also, while we're on the subject of things slipping under the radar for people, we have a retreat happening in October. we do on the 15th and 16th in Miami. Now, the reason you want to hear about this is because even if you can't make it and get a flight there and come be with us for two days of immersive coaching in Miami, you can attend this online. We have digital tickets so that wherever you are in the world, we have people are going to be watching this from Australia, Asia, India. We're gonna have People in all parts of America who for whatever reason can't make it, you can- Don't forget Europe. And Europe, of course. So we're gonna have people all over the world watching this. And it's gonna be such a powerful event. When people ask me, what do we do on the retreat? I tell people we all have patterns that are governing the results that we're getting in life. These patterns are determining our behaviours all the time, whether we know it or not. Our unconscious patterns are shaping the quality of our life, how far we go in life, the love we are experiencing, or the love that keeps passing us by, the careers that we have or don't have. Our patterns shape everything. So this retreat is about being able to fundamentally change the patterns that keep getting in the way of our potential.

For instance, around commitment, if you feel like you cause a lot of drama in your relationship because you can't help it because you're very insecure, you're very anxiously attached, or you're very kind of scared of losing the other person. That is a pattern, right? And that's something that's governing your life and that could dictate whether or not the relationship lasts or doesn't last.

And then when we do that, by the way, we hate ourselves afterwards because we're like, why am I like this? And why can't I change it? we feel broken and we feel helpless because we're like, well, I've been this way for the last 30 years or 40 years or 50 years of my life. What chance do I have of changing it now? But you can change those patterns at any point in your life. You just have to know how to rewire them. You have to know how to develop a different internal voice than the one you have now. And I'm going to show you how to do that. And you need to know how to regulate your emotions in a much more powerful way. And on the retreat, I'm going to be giving you to do that. So it's going to be an extremely powerful weekend. We went down from six days to two days. So it's now a weekend event much easier for people to get to and much more affordable as an investment. To get tickets, go to mhr etreat.com and either get a live ticket and come be with us in person and hang out with us in person for the weekend. Or you can get an online ticket and watch it from wherever you are in the world. If you can't make it. Again, those tickets are mhrteat.com All right, well we have a voice message here from one of our Love Life members as part of Love Life Line.

We do indeed.

This is from Sarah. David, could you play?

So, I have a question. Can someone be doing all the right things, such as respecting your standards, communicating with you well, being a monogamous relationship with you, and still due to past traumas not be quite ready for that next step, say marriage? I'm older, I'm 55. he's same age group, both looking to get married. Will they, is this something where you're, you know, a year in where you recommend to break it off because they're just not ready to take that next step, or should you slowly stay with them, work with them so they can work through their traumas? Such a great question. Sara, I really sympathize with this because when someone is showing us the right things in many other ways, but fundamentally they're saying, I can't offer you this thing that's really important to you. And okay, they're citing their trauma as the reason for that or whatever they've been through in their life as the reason for that. It is confusing. Now, I first want to say what I say in all of these situations, which is their reasons don't change your reality. So their reasons may be valid, but that doesn't change the reality that you're, I think you said you're 50 or in your 50s, you're looking for marriage. It's something that sounds important to you. Otherwise, I don't think you'd be asking this question. and this person's not willing to give that to you. So on that level, your reality is really not, it's sub-optimal it's robbing you of something that's really important to you. Now, you can be incredibly understanding about where that comes from for them. And what we always want to do is, I don't mean that it's your job to persuade someone to want something. thing. But I do think we have to be powerful persuaders of our values, of the things that are important to us. So we, in the way that we talk about marriage, we should be a walking advertisement for how great marriage is. Like we should be, if marriage is something that's important to us, we should be an amazing marketer of marriage. We should be someone who talks about it in really beautiful terms. We should be someone who presents a vision of marriage that is unique to the way we see it. Because it's not marriage. It doesn't mean one thing to everybody. Everyone has their own vision of what marriage means. It's forget whether someone's sold on marriage. Are they sold on your vision of marriage? Because every person's marriage is unique to them. Do you want my marriage? Don't talk. Don't like insult me by putting marriage with me in the same category as everybody else. I have my own marriage. Let me share the marriage in my mind. Let me share what my marriage looks like so that you can decide if you want that. That's, that's true influence. That's true impact. And what we want to be doing when we're having conversations with anybody, whether they're someone who's you know, driven towards marriage on or shows resistance is pres is we always want to walk away going, I presented a beautiful, compelling vision of marriage with me, and they rejected that. Not they rejected me, but, you know, and I never really presented that. They just rejected marriage as a concept because that, to me, is a form of closure. All right, so ask yourself, am I doing the things along the way that really show a vision for what marriage with me looks like, for what excites me about marriage, what's special about marriage for me? That's important. But what I will say is you're coming across someone in their 50s who's citing their trauma as a reason why they don't want to get married. Well, They've had some time.

But he's not saying he doesn't want to get married, right? He's saying the reason he hasn't yet wanted to get married is because of his trust.

Is that right?

That's what I got from it. That almost feels like the door is open.

Well, that's a different thing.

That's what I got from it.

And if that's true, Sarah, then even more, what I said is even more true. Because that person is going to be influenced by your vision for marriage. and you can actually be a healing presence when you share what your vision is, because they might go, wow, for me, marriage in the past meant all of these things with you. This is a compelling Vision I want to buy into. But the way you have to respect yourself and your time is that someone who's in their 50s, who's citing their trauma as a reason that they're scared of marriage, has to be showing willingness to overcome that. because it's not that you can't change in your 50s. Of course you can. You can change in your 60s and 70s and 80s, but you have to be a willing participant in that healing, not someone who's making excuses about the way they are in their 50s in a way that they're kind of making your responsibility.

I also would add, Sarah, just that if it's something that's really important to you, it's got to be important to him. to overcome. Basically, someone has to bend, right? And it's either that you go, it's more important to him, he's perfect in every way, this is just the one thing and he makes me feel safe in every way, this is just the one thing he can't give me. In which case you go, can I compromise on this for him? Because that's so important to him and just make peace with our relationship without the marriage part. Or, It's more important to you and he has to go, can I compromise on the fact that I'm afraid and really work together on making this something that I'm comfortable with? And I think it falls on who can actually compromise without, you know, really feeling resentful or feeling like they've given up or have had to do something they really don't want to do. But I would almost have those conversations and really try and have the difficult conversation of getting to the bottom of where He really stands with it where you really stand with it and see whether or not there is a compromise that can be reached with this. Because otherwise, it's like, where do you go? You know, it's kind of, someone has to do the work somewhere.

It's fantastic. It's beautiful. I love it. If you have a question that you want to send in for us to answer, you can send your question to podcast@matthewhussie.com send it in the form of a voice note, record for 30 seconds or 60 seconds max, and send it to podcast@matthewhussy.com We do favour our love life members. If you are one of our live loves, then you will be put straight to the front of the line. So then today's question, of course, was from Sarah, one of our dear live loves. And feel free at any point also to just send us some feedback about the podcast. We love reading your feedback. Like this one from Jack who said, Hey Love Life Gang, I am a 30 year old who moved to London a couple of years ago after a 10 year long relationship ended. It was a really hard time for me, but I've seen more growth in the past two years than I did in my entire 20s. Your podcast has helped me beyond words, so thank you will have to do. When I was in the thick of it, one of my close friends gave me the best advice I've ever ever heard and wanted to share it with you and the listeners. Life after a breakup is just a series of firsts. The first time you go to sleep without the person. The first time you come home from work. The first month, the first holiday, the first year. Eventually, you'll run out of firsts, and you won't realize when it happens, but when it does, you'll be in a better place for getting through all of those firsts. I think this is so beautiful and something you can apply to anything, not just a relationship ending. Thanks for your guidance and laughs. And he's included a little pickle emoji at the end. Thank you, Jack. What a wonderful email. And that is terrific advice from your friend. Very good for anyone out there going through heartbreak right now. Well, it's that time, Stephen, that Mel and a few other people have been waiting for.

What's up your sleeves?

Steve's sleeves. David, can we have the jingle? Don't be bereaved.

You know that we can't leave without another episode of sleeves sleeves.

Very good.

Well, everyone, these sleeves are well and truly rolled on my cardigan here. So we're gonna play deal or no deal breaker. I'm gonna give you some ideas. You know, sometimes you have the 75% right person. and you think, is this 5, 10, 20? Not. Is it too much?

And we'll say deal or no deal. Breaker.

Is there a deal to be struck or is it a deal breaker? Okay, so they're loving, successful and share your core values, but they never initiate physical affection. You always have to make the first move.

Deal to be struck.

Deal to be struck.

Conversation to be had.

Deal to be struck.

Have a conversation.

Okay.

Are these all going to end with have a conversation?

Well, no, I'm just wondering, can you-.

You- should talk about what if it.

Only changes a little bit?

I mean, you said it earlier, Steve, how hard is it for me to get my needs met? And you've got, it comes down to a very subjective question of, is it enough?

Okay.

Is this enough for me for the next 40 years? that's the question you have to ask yourself.

Okay. They're loyal, warm and emotionally present, but they don't have any big vision or goal in their life. They're basically content with how things are.

What a deal. Does everyone need a big goal?

I don't know. Like, that's true.

If you have. If you need them to have a big goal.

But I think you want someone to have a vision for their lives. Otherwise, I think you might lose respect. But I do agree that. like, maybe there's circumstances as to why somebody might be feeling. To me, I read that and I almost feel like it sounds like someone's a bit depressed. You know what I mean? Unmotivated and unenthused by life, which is.

Not an attractive thing.

They're just posting. Correct. But there might be reasons for that. Maybe they're going through something. They're going through mental health stuff. Like, I don't think it's like a deal breaker, but I do think that staying, spending a lifetime with someone like that would be. draining. Sorry.

Have a conversation.

Have a conversation.

They're everything you want on paper, but you feel like you have to be the more put together version of yourself around them. Like, you're not sure if they'll really like the less put together version of you. Like, they like you when you're doing good.

I think you should be able to be yourself.

You. You have to. you have to be a version of you that you can be for decades. It's a marathon. And that's not an excuse to go to the laziest version of you either. But you have to like, you, you need stamina for this race. You can't, you can't run it at a pace that's going to make you lose your mind. So where do you let the air out? Where do you, where do you relax a little? And you want someone who appreciates the relaxed version of you. You want, in fact, you want someone who appreciates the relaxed version of you because it means they can be relaxed, too. They don't have to be perfect. If you're perfect all the time, then they have to. They feel like they have to be perfect all the time, or they feel they're entitled to the perfect you all the time, in which case you've got a bigger problem. But I'd rather find out if I'm in, if, if someone feels entitled to an unrealistic version of me all the time by being a realistic version of me and seeing, you know, what happens.

Yeah.

You don't wanna, it's like work. If you have a boss that you can never screw up with, that's a, that's a miserable life. You want someone you can make a mistake with, right? What happens when you do? That's the, the sustainability of the relationship is that the best situations are ones where I know I can screw up with you. I can't screw up all the time. I can't bring you my average self all the time. I have to bring you a great version of me. But I can also screw up and know that I can screw up and know that that doesn't become the truth of who I am to you and vice versa. And that's what makes for a great relationship. Again, it comes down to I am not living in a mode of how impressive do I have to be to keep someone? But how compatible am I with someone? And that's a very different gear.

Yeah.

Such a key distinction. Well, no deal, baby. So that's the end of Steve's sleeves.

They were sort of all like, have a conversation.

No, that last one was no deal.

Was it?

No, it was just you. Yeah, you don't get to be yourself.

I was like, try, you know, I'm throwing some slacks and see what happens first before you just go no deal.

Yeah, but I said you don't get to be yourself.

That was the condition.

You never get to be yourself.

Well, you don't get to be your worst self. Oh, then they do. Deal breaker. Thanks for playing, everyone. Thank you, everyone. Well, listen, that was Steve's sleeves. Leave us any feedback at podcast@matthewhussie.com Subject line. More sleeves. Or just croissants. Don't, me and David have a beef over this. Do not send us any emails with the word croissant. It will be a sign that you are favoring David. Well, before you go, if you've got a question from today's session, go ask it of Matthew AI. You can ask at askmh.com, you can call it or text it. Whatever is on your mind right now, you're like, oh, I wish they'd have covered this. Well, Matthew AI can cover it for you right now. Go to askmh.com and ask Matthew AI what you wish we would have answered during the episode and we will see you next time for another episode of Love Life. Thanks everyone.

Thank you.

Bye.