They Say They're Not Ready for a Relationship... | Matt Monday

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What if they, a year from now, are exactly the same person with exactly the same lack of intentions that they have today? [Speaking of] [Speaking of] [Speaking of] [Speaking of] when someone tells us that they are not ready or that they are not right now looking for a serious relationship, it puts us in a really challenging predicament, especially if we really like the person. When we're attracted, we feel connected to this person, we feel like they are the kind of person we have been looking for. The one snag is that they're not in the same place as us. I want to talk about the five mindset shifts that can help you in dealing with exactly this situation. Because the reality is, no matter what anyone tells you about how ill-informed it is to continue down the road with someone that says they don't want a relationship, in reality, it's really difficult to take that advice. We tell ourselves things like, maybe they'll change, maybe in a month they'll feel differently. I know there have been times in my life where I didn't want a relationship, and then I did when I met someone I really liked. so maybe that will happen. Maybe it's just that right now they're still getting over their relationship, but they need help getting over that relationship. This logic that we feed ourselves can be very, very compelling. That's why these five mindsets I'm going to give you today are so important, because I know how hard it is and you shouldn't feel shame for finding it difficult to walk away. But I really believe these mindsets are going to help. the first mindset shift is asking yourself, is the situation between me and this person really equal? And what do I mean by that? When this woman came to me, she said, I'm dating other people as well. So we're kind of doing the same thing. But when I asked her, is it really equal? Yes, you're dating other people still. So on the surface, you're not hanging around waiting for person. But the reality is you don't want to be dating other people. If you had it your way, you would only be with him. But in his case, he's dating other people because he wants to date other people because he has expressly said that he doesn't want a serious relationship right now and he wants to date around. So this is not a situation where two people are on an even playing field. One of them has no intentions for their love life right now other than to have fun. And the other one has full intentions of having a real relationship, is hoping that this person will want one at some point and is only dating other people right now because he doesn't want to date her and only her. So we have to be honest with ourselves. If we're truly in a position of equal footing or whether there is a real power imbalance here and we're just telling ourselves a story that it's all okay because we're doing the same thing. In this case, she was essentially settling for something she didn't want, dating multiple people, hoping that he would eventually want the same thing as her. But he was doing exactly what he wanted to do. There was no risk to him. All the risk lay with her in the possibility of wasting her time, of continuing to date him under a misapprehension that one day he would want the same thing. the second mindset shift comes from being honest about the risk. So what is the real risk to us if we're waiting around hoping that one day they are going to want a relationship with us? Well, there's the risk of lost time. What if you date this person for another year hoping that they'll change and they don't? What if they a year from now are exactly the same person with exactly the same lack of intentions that they have today? How will you feel about having spent a year of your time hoping that it would go somewhere? One of the things that this person said to me that was interesting was if I decide to cut this person off and say goodbye and not see them anymore, I'm still going to be thinking about him. This person's still going to be on my mind. So is there really any risk to staying? If I stay, then they're going to be on my mind. If I leave, they're going to be on my mind. But at least if I stay, there's the chance that something will happen. So you can see there the way that we contort logic to continue to do the thing that feels comfortable to us, which is to stay in something hoping it will get better instead of letting it go. And by the way, the problem with that logic is that in reality, if she left this person, yes, she would still think about him for a time, but eventually if she kept moving forward in life and if she healed from that, she would move on. But if she stayed, dating this person, then there's no end in sight to that pain. She'll keep thinking of him because she'll keep bringing him back into her life. Both involve pain, both involve thinking about the person, but one leaves the possibility of moving on and finding someone better, finding someone who actually wants the same things. The other possibility just leads to perpetual pain. And by the way, on top of the risk of continuing to date this person and wasting time because they never want a relationship, There's a different possibility that you keep dating this person and they do want a relationship six months from now or a year from now, but they want it with somebody else. How many of us have been a part of a story or heard of a story where we waited around for someone thinking that all the time and energy and effort we've spent on that person will eventually pay off in the form of them realizing our value, realizing what we're worth and what the relationship could be, only to find that someone who waltzed into their life three weeks ago is the person they're now getting serious about. So in her situation, it wasn't just the risk that he never wants a relationship, it's that how will I feel if I invest all of this time in hoping that in this person's rotation, I'm the one they'll choose and they end up choosing somebody else? How will we feel about the resentment the bitterness, the regret, the anger that we'll feel towards someone else and maybe ourselves if we go down that path and that happens. Here's the third mindset shift. And this one is a big one. It's one that a lot of people never think about. If someone you are dating isn't being intentional and they are dating other people at the same time, it will be extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible, for them to truly see your worth. Why? Because someone seeing your worth requires their presence. They have to actually sit with who we are, connect with what we're giving them, with what we represent, our values, the connection that we're building together. They have to be connected and conscious in experiencing that. but when someone is dating without any intentionality, they're just dating for fun, they're not looking for a relationship, and they're dating multiple people at the same time. They're most likely never getting that connected to any one of the people that they're dating. Let's do an experiment. Imagine that I came to your house and I set up five separate TVs in your living room and I played on each one of them A great movie. So you have five great movies playing at the same time. And then in two and a half hours, or by the time every one of those movies had finished, I came back into the room and said, which one was your favorite and why? Chances are you wouldn't have a favorite. And even if you did, it wouldn't be a true connection to the value and the beauty and the art of that movie because you never really experienced it. you didn't watch it the way that the director intended. You had your attention spread across all these different screens. So you couldn't truly engross yourself in that movie. And by the way, none of the creators of those movies should be insulted if you didn't come away choosing that movie as your favorite or truly understanding how great that movie was because you never really watched any of those movies. That's what it's like when someone is constantly dating multiple people. They can't truly appreciate your movie, the character, the protagonist that is you. Now, there is always a time in the very beginning of dating where there's the possibility that someone is dating other people. I don't want to oversimplify the dating process because the truth is the day you go on a date with someone there's nothing wrong with the fact that they might have another date lined up for next week. They don't owe us anything at that stage. So someone dating multiple people for a time, by the way, some people will say, if I date one person, I'm not gonna date anyone else while I do that. That's okay, no judgment. But I also think we have to be careful of judging a situation where someone is dating multiple people in the very beginning. We just have to measure our own investment very carefully and go, do I wanna sleep with someone who's dating multiple people? How far do I wanna go? How much time do I want to give to someone who's still dating other people. That's a personal choice. It shouldn't be a judgment on them. But it may be in the very beginning that someone is dating around, and that doesn't mean they're not being intentional. It might just mean that they're dating around, they're being very intentional. So whether someone is dating multiple people or not, doesn't necessarily give away how serious they are, certainly gives away how serious they are if someone says, I'm not in the market for a serious relationship right now. which is this woman who came to me that I coached, she said, he literally said he wasn't in the market for a serious relationship. So that's a pretty big sign that someone isn't looking for anything, they're not being intentional. And by the way, I'm not someone who thinks that it's a giant sin for someone to date other people when they first meet you because I'm of the belief that we don't necessarily owe each other exclusivity from the first moment we go on a date together. Someone is entitled to still shop around. You're still entitled to shop around. We just have to measure our own investment and make sure we don't give away more than we feel comfortable giving away while someone else is still dating other people. That's a personal decision. I don't think it's something we should judge other people for. Normally, when we judge other people for that, it's because we feel like we gave more than we should have or that we're upset with how much we gave to someone who never gave us any assurances in the first place. But what I will say is this, even when we've given someone the benefit of the doubt that we barely know each other and if you're still going on dates, that's okay. I'm not saying you have to be okay with that, by the way, but I'm inviting the possibility that both are okay. Even if you give someone a window of time, at some point that window has to end. If you are in the position that this person I was coaching was of saying it's now four or five months into me dating this person and they're still wanting to date other people, then their window for choosing you has kind of elapsed, in my opinion. They should know enough, maybe not to know that they want to be with you for years to come, but they should know enough from the time they've spent with you to know that I'm ready to say no to other people and give this a real chance to see how it might progress. If they're not doing that, we should never convince ourselves that giving them more time and more of ourselves is going to be the thing that convinces them. The fourth mindset shift is realizing that all of the risk is with staying and that not only is none of the risk with you leaving and saying goodbye to this person, but all of the potential, all of the opportunity lies with leaving. That's for two reasons. Firstly, if you leave, you open yourself up to a world of people who are actually potentially ready for a real relationship. a world of people who haven't told you that they're not looking for anything serious. In a sense, when someone tells you they're not looking for anything serious, they've immediately put a period at the end of the sentence. You know, there's kind of like they've told you the ending of this book for now, that this isn't what they're looking for. But everybody else in life still represents a question mark. The moment someone tells you they don't want something serious, that should tell you, ah, right now this situation offers no possibility. So all of the risk comes from staying with someone who may not change their mind, and even if they do change their mind, may not change it in the direction you want. They might choose someone else, like I said before. But if you leave, you open yourself up to every other possible eligible person on earth who is ready for something, who might entertain the possibility of something going somewhere. But even if I was just speaking to the part of you that really does want it to work with this person, I would be telling you that the best chance you have at them seeing your value and turning around to meet you for a real relationship is you leaving. When you leave, that person has a shot at seeing your value. A by missing it and losing it, but B by seeing you as someone who has standards that they are willing to uphold regardless of how attractive or mesmerizing or charismatic or sexy someone is. If I could help you click your fingers and not care about wanting this person anymore, I would. What I'm trying to say is that leaving is not only your best shot at finding something better and finding the happiness you're looking for in your love life, it also just so happens to be the best chance you have at this person realizing that they do want a relationship with you. And by the way, for anyone out there who wants to know how to have these conversations with someone where you actually speak your standards, I have a free training called dating with results. That's essentially a one hour free training from me that shows you how to do not only that, but so much more. It's going to make you more confident. It's also going to show you how to uphold your standards and how to speak them. So that's at datingwithresults.com for anyone who wants to take that training. The fifth and final mindset shift for this video, when someone is telling you they're not ready and you're wondering whether to stick around anyway, is to ask yourself, is this what I held out for? My guess is that you have been through some difficult times in your love life. that you've been through some pain. This person that I was talking to, the person that inspired this video with her vulnerability, was living in a major city and had felt for a long time like things were just really hard and had held out for the right thing, for the right person, but had experienced a lot of pain along the way. A lot of pain of being in a big city, of feeling like no one wants anything real a feeling like everyone is just trying to get theirs, being short-termist, being messed around a lot, feeling invisible sometimes. And anyone who's gone through anything like that knows that it can breed a kind of scarcity mindset. This feeling of, oh, God, I get to the point where I just think I need to take whatever I can get because nothing's been happening. And then, of course, when someone comes along and you have attraction with them and you share some values and you feel like you get this person or they get you, you have an amazing time with them. Of course, you get to a point where you go, well, maybe I should hang around even though they're not ready or they say they don't want a relationship because this is the best I've got and this is the most connection I've felt in a long time. So am I really just going to throw that away? But I think we can help train ourselves out of the scarcity mindset when we realize that we have taken our time with our love lives, not suddenly jumping into anything with anyone, because we do have a standard about who we end up with or the kind of love that we want in our lives. We haven't lost all of the romance. We haven't lost the hope. We haven't lost the possibility, the excitement of finding the love that we really want to find. And if you've been holding out for that kind of love, then you have to ask yourself, am I really now after all that pain, after all that loneliness, after all those different people that I've said no to or all of the heartbreak that I've been through in my life, am I really going to settle for this? Is this going to be what I held out for? Someone who tells me that they're not ready and puts me on rotation with a bunch of other people? This? This is what I held out for. I know the pain that so many of you are in right now. The kind of pain that comes from feeling lonely or comes from feeling heartbroken or comes from starting to feel like it's never going to happen. And how that leads people to make decisions about what to settle for that they should never settle for. But this last mindset is a crucial reframe. It's a crucial different way of looking at it. That after all of that pain, after all of that loneliness, after everything you've been through, after the heartbreak that you've endured, or all of the lessons you've learned up until this point in your life, all of the things you've experienced and been through, this is going to be what arrests your attention. This is going to be the thing you held out for. No, we can't do that. We can't do that. No, absolutely not. And by the way, if you're enjoying my content, but you're also a reader, I have a free newsletter that I'm writing every week now called the three relationships, which you can find at www.thethree relationships.com. check it out. It's free. You can sign up right now and I'll send you my latest edition this Friday. I'll see you next time.