Think You Have A "Dating Type"? Here's Why That Might Be A Problem

Welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast, the podcast that shows you how to find the love you want and fall in love with the life you already have, regardless of whether you've found love already. Today's episode is great. Very excited for you to listen to it. We talk about types. Do you have a type? Is there a kind of person you routinely go for? Is that person good for you? Do they typically make you happy? Are they typically even available? Have you ever tried to date outside of your type? Is it a good idea? And if you want to date out of your type to increase your chances of finding love, what does that even look like? Can you be attracted to someone you're not naturally attracted to? These are all the things that we talk about in this episode. We also answer a listener question at the end of the episode. So stay until the end and enjoy this episode of Love Life. I'm really happy today. Do you know why?

Why?

Cool.

We have had so many reviews since the last episode.

Oh, I wonder why that is.

What are you getting at, Steve?

I don't know. There was a sort of somewhat needy cry out from reviews for reviews from you last week.

Don't call him needy. That's not very nice.

Steve's really just a free writer on this. You call him Matt needy, but you get all the benefits of all these reviews.

I did enjoy reading them. I'm not gonna lie.

Exactly. Hey, you're welcome. I mean, Lumi Pat says effing fantastic. This was last Saturday. She said, I'm writing this review because for some reason, Matthew is feeling like he's not getting enough reviews on iTunes.

Thank you. There you go.

She's called me out in the first paragraph. I don't know why you had to rumble me out loud like that to everyone. Just, you know, just leave the nice review. She says, first of all, the four of you guys, Yes, guys includes Audrey. We did, of course, have that discussion, you know, we're trying to find a replacement word for guys, which we've not done yet. But people did have some comments on that.

Yeah, I have one.

We'll come back to that. She said, the four of you guys are amazing together. The banter is fantastic. Audrey said something about propaganda at one point, and I almost spit out my coffee from laughing. Almost.

Talking about propaganda. I don't know.

You were probably giving a bit of propaganda. I want to know what context you said propaganda. I can't even remember.

Yeah, I can't remember.

You're on some political rant. I listen to you guys in the car in the morning at night, and I relate to just about everything that you all slash y'all discuss. In this short time, I've eliminated a few guys in my life, hopefully not killed, who just weren't for me. I learned that they were reaching out to me to get attention for themselves, and I was allowing it. because I wanted the attention too, knowing they weren't for me. I don't know what's next, so I'm just gonna keep listening and practicing the types of things that I've learned from you. I will grow as a person and I'll have more to offer somebody else when I do meet someone who sees me and wants me in their life.

I really enjoyed that joke.

You did?

Yeah.

Well, Lumi Pat really enjoyed your propaganda joke.

Lumi Pat and I, you know, just on a wavelength.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

We should start our own podcast.

Well, don't do that. It's lovely. I mean, we've had so many wonderful reviews. Did you have a favorite you wanted to read out?

I've got one from Lucy here, Lucy09, who says, Single, unashamed pickle. She says, To my jams crew, thank you. Your episode on single shaming was very personal and dear to my heart. Recovering from heartbreak and rebuilding confidence is a struggle, especially when you're a little older. Your kind and inspirational words alleviated my anxieties about still being single and allowed me to realize there's nothing wrong with me and not settling for a partner is okay. I am worth an exceptional and loving partner that would never make me question my worth. Keep up the amazing work and I look forward to listening weekly as your advice is always spot on and inspirational. From this pickle across the pond, thank you. She's got pickle and jams in there, both the essential foodstuffs of this podcast.

Do you know what, Stephen? Matt has found a song that he keeps playing to me, which I feel like he's probably gonna play on this episode.

Well, I'm glad you said that, Audrey, because it's already lined up and on my screen.

I teed you up good.

So, I did go looking for a song about pickles, and would you believe there is a song about pickles? that has millions of views. I'm hoping, Jameson, that this is just sort of some internet person who operates from the shadows and is just happy that their content is out there as opposed to someone who's going to sue us for using the Pickle Song they've created.

I think it's fair use as long as we comment on it.

Okay, well, here we go. Did.

You see that mic point?

It keeps going.

I know, sorry that we have to listen to this the whole way through. 49 seconds is a really long time when you're listening to that song.

So that's the whole song.

Tell me that shouldn't be our theme song.

Well, that shouldn't be our theme song.

Probably should not be our theme song.

I mean, I feel a little vindicated here after you were one who was very critical of the Pickles sign off. And now you are literally trying to build a theme song. around it.

Can't beat him. Join him. I can't stop. I can't stop the audience from continuing to reference pickles in the reviews. So I, you know, look, I know when I'm beat.

Guys, isn't this too much chit chat? Shouldn't we just get into the topic of the episode?

Well, Jameson, I know that that is, of course, a reference to a review that we had just the other day. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, Steve, you're gonna be mad.

Come on, let me have it.

I know, it's just been my life.

Macho's a song with no melody whatsoever, just a beat and pickle.

If Audrey does an acapella version, though, we can definitely have it as like a an interlude song, just a transitional song between segments of the episode.

Are you thinking that there's some sort of abundance of pickle songs out there to choose from? That I intentionally chose one without a melody?

I'm trying to picture when Matt just sat there and went Googling, like during his busy day when he went sat Googling pickle songs. I can't imagine him actually doing that.

That's my, that's Steve. That is my dedication to this podcast. And I should say, I think we can all learn a lesson from my humility. That I was well against the whole Pickles thing. It drove me mad. And then I've come around because I've realized people enjoy it. So I will relent. Not only will I relent, but I will actually add to the conversation around Pickles.

I thought Matt's definition of humility there was he did something to prepare for the show.

Well, I've done that too. So Esch 1991 says, I've followed Matthew Hussey for years. It has been neat to watch his brand evolve and grow over time. And it always seems like he genuinely cares about helping his listeners and viewers, as evidenced by me going out of my way to find the Pickle Song. I also love how often they are able to release podcasts. My only critique is that the addition of two new people doesn't say who. I'm sure. Audrey, you're definitely one of them.

You only have two new people.

Well, it was you, Jameson.

It's me and Audrey.

Okay, just.

You can just say it what it is.

Okay. My only critique is that the addition of Audrey and Jameson has seemed to have caused the podcast to lose some of its structure in the beginning. The podcast often starts with people engaging in small talk right away, leaving the listener somewhat confused as to where things are going. Love listening to the small talk later in the episode, just. not right away. Great work though. I have especially enjoyed hearing Matthew's insights into the psychology behind certain maladaptive dating behaviors.

Does the Pickle Song count as chitchat in the beginning? Because otherwise, if it does, we're screwed.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that that would fall into Esch 1991's definition of.

Okay, well then what do we have on this episode today?

Well, by this point, I will have already done some kind of intro. to compensate for this comment. We'll have done like a 10-second beginning of the episode. Here's what we're gonna cover. But I am very excited today because we're gonna talk about a subject that I think affects everybody when they're dating, which is to what extent should we conform to our type in dating? Is having a type overrated? Is deviating from your type something that can increase the size of the dating pool for you? What does that even look like? How much does that involve overcoming your own instincts early in dating? Or will you pay the price for ignoring your type? These are some of the things that we're going to talk about. Very excited to get into this because, of course, It ain't easy to meet someone you really like and really want and see as suitable. It's even harder when we limit our type to a very specific kind of person. Before we get into that, if you haven't already, one of the ways to cut straight to the chase of what you want to solve in your love life is to go to yourdatingsolution.com, which is a tool that we've created where you can literally tell it what your dating problem is and it will recommend the best solution from my catalog for you. This is the most tailored way to get something you need right now. Go to yourdatingsolution.com to get it. I was looking at the calendar today and I was equal parts excited and horrified that The virtual retreat is almost upon us again.

Well, I'm delightfully excited.

Well, I'm horrified at the fact that it's nearly September, kind of, when you think about it, because it's August, which means it's next month.

Yeah.

Well, I, for one, couldn't be more delighted that it's around the corner.

What, Audrey, you're... You're much, you know, you're new in the last two years to the retreat programs. You're a fresh perspective. What's the retreat to you? I'm really curious because it's not an easy thing to talk about and help people understand just how profoundly it impacts people. How would you describe it if you were just describing, if your best friend came to you and was like, I'm thinking about coming. What would you say to her?

I think it allows you to almost peel back. You know, those things that you struggle with day to day, they could be kind of confidence related, not feeling worthy. We all have very similar thoughts that go through our brain all the time. You know, am I good enough? Am I this enough? It helps you sort of peel back all of the layers that you think of the problem and actually get to the root of what the problem is. Does that make sense? It almost, yeah. Well, that's what I found anyway. I was a bit, I had no expectations going into it in terms of, and well, I had high expectations, but I didn't really know what it would be like. And I just found it to be, it kind of, it hit me in, in in parts of myself that I hadn't really quite ever looked at in that way. And I think the other thing that it does, which is really lovely, is it's a really nice kind of environment to just be yourself. I think I said this to you after the first one. It's sort of, you know, life is so all about kind of appearances and ego and looking good and sounding cool and all these different things. And the retreat hasn't got any of that nonsense. It's just very much, who are you and what are you about? And let's all just support each other. And I think that's, it sounds really straightforward, but it's actually a very unusual environment to find yourself in. And that's one of the things I found most profound about it.

I think that's, I mean, that's.

Really.

Sums up so much of what it does for people. If you have not experienced it, please come and experience it. It's happening in November. It's the final retreat of the year. This one is virtual, so you can do it from home. We're going to have people joining us from Asia, from Australia, from London, from all over America. There's people coming in from all over Europe. You can join by going to mhvirtualretreat.com and book your call with one of our team. who will talk to you this week about what it is, what happens over those three days, and how it can help you with what you're really focused on in your life right now. Go over to mhvirtualretreat.com and get your phone call booked.

Do you know something actually that I heard just today with a client who I was coaching? She said that she's been going to therapy And her therapist, she keeps saying to her therapist all these different things that she's learned through the retreats. And her therapist keeps saying, how do you know about all this? And she keeps saying, it's a Matthew Hussey retreat.

No way.

Yeah.

And she was, she said that her therapist said to her that she basically had come in with all of this kind of already existing progress. And it was really sort of interesting for him to work with someone who had already done so much work without having actually had any therapy. which I thought was interesting. I meant to tell you, but then we jumped straight into recording and I didn't get a chance to. So that just happened today.

Lovely. Well, and of course, we also have a lot of therapists who come on the retreat as well, because none of us are above doing this work for ourselves. So onto today's topic. Does having a dating type make sense for you, dear listener? Do you have a type? What is it? I want you to picture it for a moment. Picture the person that you regularly date, the person that you are drawn to. Picture yourself on an app right now swiping. Who are those people that you swipe right on? Who are the kinds of people? Is it a certain aesthetic? Is it a certain unique appeal? Is it something in their personality that you're discerning that you think that's the kind of person I always go for? Who do you go for each time? And even if you do not consciously have a type, are there people that you find yourself dating over and over again as a kind of unconscious pattern? If you look at the pattern of the people that you have been with, do they conform to a certain stereotype, either aesthetically or in terms of their personality traits. Stephen, you found an article on this. What did it have to say?

Well, it said that more than half, they were surveying Brits, and they said more than half of Brits have a type that they prefer to date, but a third are in long-term relationships with someone who doesn't fit the bill. I thought that was very interesting because it says a lot about the way we go into dating, what we think we will want, and then what often ends up happening. And I think that's the interesting distinction. Like, what, what does it mean to have a type and is it helpful?

I suppose People at one stage or another, it's not like they consciously go out looking for a certain kind of person necessarily. It's more that they come to find that there is something they find themselves attracted to over and over again. And that ends up creating a kind of mold. And I think probably for a lot of people, that mold becomes sort of self-fulfilling that if you keep dating within that mold, then you have more and more reference points for a certain kind of person. You have more and more reference points for someone who physically looks like that, or for someone who behaves like that. And that sort of ends up becoming what you know. No doubt for some people, there is this sort of early imprint thing. There's some early attraction imprint that then dictates some of their early decisions around dating. But I think that there will be some extent to which we keep replaying that scenario over and over again because it starts to just become what we know. And then we think that that's all we're attracted to because we're not actually really deviating from it, which at a certain point takes actually a little bit of effort to step outside what we know and date someone different.

Yeah, and that's why I think there's a difference between what people are attracted to or what's best for them and what you're used to. And I think sometimes your type comes from what you're used to and what you've had. And type can mean looks, blonde brunette, tall, short, thin, large, whatever. Um, but it can just mean, it can mean certain behaviors or dynamics that you're used to, right? It can mean different things like what your type is, but I think that people do, when they go into dating apps, people often superficially have an idea of, I like sporty type, I like a preppy type of person. I like, I don't like people who went to a posh school and, you know, had a silver spoon in their mouths, you know, all their life. People will have certain ideas that they just, they're just all these different mishmash of preferences, prejudices, habits, things you're used to. And I'm convinced that there's a lot of them that are just a distraction because they're not focused on behavior. They're not focused on character. They're not character based. They're, they're a hodgepodge. of ideas you've got in your head.

But I think you can have a type, a personality type as well, right? Meaning you can be attracted to very differently packaged people who have the same core.

Yes, right.

They look very different, but they have the same kind of confidence or they have the same kind of humour.

Yeah, or even toxic traits as well. You can be attracted to the same toxic one specific toxic trait over and over again, and it will just appear in all these different kinds of guys that, you know, you then go, well, I don't have a type, but what your type is, is, you know, but.

But some people do say that, right?

You.

I like, I've had conversations with women before who have casually said, like, I'm attracted to guys who tell me when I should shut up. Like, I've heard a woman say that to me before. like, I need a guy who's going to tell me when to shut up.

That.

That is a kind. That's a kind of toxic type, right?

Where did I get that recently? Someone said the exact.

Shut up, Matt. Stay on topic.

That's why I'm attracted to Jameson.

Jameson, stop hitting on my partner.

Well, it. Well, it won't be the same person because I had that conversation with someone in, like, a bar several years ago, and I was like, wow, that's. Gonna be interesting.

Oh, I it was a client. It was a client of mine. It was a client of mine who was dating someone who essentially said some version of the same thing that I I really need someone to put me in my place, which is that's interesting. And there will be that now what's interesting about that is that that could be someone who, because that can take two forms. She could either be, she could be very attracted to that kind of person, but she could end up going for the opposite because what she really wants is like that kind of person feels like someone who won't put up with her stuff, whereas her insecurity has her keep going for safe guys. who won't do that. Do you know what I mean? So it's actually quite possible for that person to keep dating people who don't do that because that's the actually getting what she wants in that area is scary because it's like, well, now I've got someone who, who won't put up with what I do, but I keep dating guys. I can walk all over. So that I think there's an interesting thing, even in this types idea that We might think, we might have a type that we're attracted to, but then keep going for people that we think are safe. And thereby we say what our type is, but we go for the opposite because we go for people that we feel aren't intimidating or can't reject us.

Also, I think to piggyback off of that, you know, in this article it talks about when you date similar people, and people like your past partners, you run across the same kinds of disagreements, the same number of arguments, the same problems, because what you're essentially doing is dating the same person over and over again. What's interesting is, you know, why we would look to do that, and could it be that we feel safe in those patterns? So when we know people's shortcoming, it's a little bit like the better the devil, you know, if you know someone's shortcomings, if you know that you're dating somebody who is this way and this way and this way. You can predict their behavior in a way where you feel safe, even if it's not conscious. Whereas if you date someone that's completely different, there's a new set of behavior that you're not used to that, you know, you then it just sort of irks you a bit because you're not, you just don't feel safe in the same way that you do with someone whose behaviors you predict.

Yeah, in boxing, one of the things I got taught was you're not fighting a person, you're fighting a style. And that when you fight a style enough times, you get used to dealing with that style. And it might be that you keep changing the person in a relationship, but you keep getting the same style. And the attractive thing about that, even if it's uncomfortable or it comes with pain is, as you say, better the devil you know is really a way of saying, I know the style that I'm dealing with here. I know how to counter punch in this situation. I know what to anticipate. I can read the moves.

And even one step even deeper than that, could it be that, you know, you have your your own issues and your own things that you're battling with. And so having someone, for instance, who is really jealous allows you to step back into a position of submission or calming them down or soothing them where you feel needed or you feel like you're constantly the evolved one in the relationship. So you get to also serve, you know, one of your own needs through their shortcomings or kind of more toxic traits, so to speak.

Yeah.

So it's sort of like that other side of it, which is actually, you know, you can sit there and go, oh, I always date assholes. But really what you're getting out of dating those kinds of people is the thing you're not speaking about. And your type is actually a way of making yourself feel good.

That's kind of the relationship equivalent of the big fish, small pond idea, is that you keep dating people where you get to feel like the big fish. you get to feel like the together one. It's kind of the same as the Jerry Springer effect, right? I'd rather watch Jerry Springer because it makes me feel good about, it makes me feel together. I don't want to have to watch a bunch of people who are more evolved than me. That might mean I'd actually have some work to do. That might mean I'd actually have to grow. And I do think that is one of the reasons that people pick a safe type is that I don't actually have to grow. This is non-threatening. This person does not challenge me. And although I complain to everybody, like, I always think, pay attention to the things that you complain about a lot, but you keep replaying the same dynamic over and over again anyway. Because if that's the case, you're getting something out of it.

Yeah, we talked about that existential kink.

Did we talk about that?

Yeah, we talked about that idea. I can't remember who has the term for it, but it's like the thing that you go, you go like, oh, when my family always want me to do this, it's so annoying. And like, really, it's like, you love it. You love it that they all want you to do that. Like, you love it. Or it's like, I hate that everyone asked me to, I hate that everyone asked me to fix stuff around the house. And it's like, you love that they want you to fix things. around the house.

I heard Pete Holmes talking about a version of this.

Yeah, he's mentioned it on his podcast before.

Ah, okay, got it.

It's not his term, but he's mentioned it before, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And we have to be really careful of those things. Well, I mean, look, ultimately it forces us to confront the question, do we really want what we say we want? Or is what we want to be in this position of relative safety? and to complain about it. Like that actually might be the thing we want more. That's what's really fascinating about it. We often, you can come from a place of thinking that you're helping someone. You know, when someone comes to you to complain about something and you think, I'm going to help this person. I'm going to help them see that there's a better way forward, and then they're going to take that better way forward. and you don't realize you're just a porn. Right.

Yeah.

You're just a... You're all you are is an audience. Yeah. You're not there to help them make a change. You are just there to be this kind of part of this theater of, no, no, no, you don't understand. The thing that I want most is to stay exactly where I am. and to talk about how bad it is. That's what I want most. Right? I don't. You're mistaking me. You think I want to get out of this relationship. What I want most is to stay in it and complain about it. And that's where we have to get really self-aware about what is it I actually want? Because maybe I don't. really want this thing that I keep saying I want. Maybe I am far more comfortable just talking about the thing that I want. Maybe I'm far more comfortable just talking about the fact that my partner doesn't have this, my partner doesn't have that. Because if I wanted it, needed those things so badly, then why am I not doing something about it?

Yeah, it's like someone who says they have loads of Ambitions to Make something, create a business, do that. But maybe the actual thing is they actually don't really want to do that. They just want to feel... Yeah, they want to like sit around and feel entitled or feel angry or feel, you know, like, oh, I could do that though.

And that's not to say that it's not painful for someone. I'm not diminishing someone's experience of a painful situation. But it's much easier to have that idea that we deserve better in our heads as a construct, or that I'd be happier if I went and got this kind of person as an idea. It's much safer to talk about those things from the relative security of a relationship or a situation we know than it is to actually go and play that scenario out. It's much easier to talk about a business idea you have than to actually play it out and say, well, okay, go start that business. Yeah. Spend the five to ten years it's going to take to make that thing work. Let that play out. It's much easier to talk about the fact that you had a great idea. so that that that's a really interesting point, Audrey. Like, what are we getting out of it?

Explicit with.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I want to ask you, what do you say to the person who says, well, yes, fine, but I'm just always attracted to this kind of person. I can't help it. Whenever I try and go for something different, it's just not my type. I'm you know, because I think what, what you can find with, if we are to go down this kind of road of maybe people who exhibit toxic traits in relationships and whatnot, you know, they tend to come paired with traits like confidence and being very charismatic, being very extroverted, being very, you know, sexy, Charming, all of these different things. So It's sometimes isn't people's fault that they're attracted to such people. But what do you say to someone who says, well, I've really tried to go for, you know, something that's not my type because I recognize that my type is sometimes a little bit toxic, but I'm just not attracted to those people.

Pizza.

What?

That's the sort of stuff you come here for, guys. That's... I think we can wrap this one up there. Go on, Matt, what do you mean?

Think about it for a moment. Well, pizza can't be pizza every morning, lunchtime, and night. If that's what you ate every meal of the day for the rest of your life, it would stop being pizza. It, A, we would start to probably not feel our best.

Get hard times belly.

You get what, yeah, Audrey and I call a hard times belly, which is a belly that I sometime develop in hard times.

Too much coffee.

Well, you brought it up, I didn't. You can't just make a reference and then I not explain it.

I call it the cheese ball.

But it would also, if you ate pizza morning, lunch and dinner, some of the satisfaction of it being pizza would be taken away. It wouldn't be that treat anymore. And I think that the person who's mysterious and got that, like, you know, that quality that makes them really exciting. If you live with that person all day, every day, I guarantee they're not those things. Right? They can't be. It's a sort of thing, the Friday night pizza effect. happens because it feels like a cheat meal. Right? But that person, in order to actually feel good sustainably, we need to have some kind of sustainable diet, which doesn't mean being with someone who's never pizza. You want to be with someone who can be pizza sometimes. But that's not something that that's not like a state that you just live in with someone every second of the day. So I often think that we've mistaken people who have created an artificial sense of how exciting they are with people who are just great people to be with. I've said it before, reliably, the people I find the most dazzling and the most charming in the first 15 minutes are generally people I don't like two weeks later. Almost reliably, I can set my watch to it. If I loved that person, I don't just mean I came away going, Seemed like a really great guy or a really good individual or, you know, seemed like a kind and well put together person. If I come away from someone after 10 minutes and I'm like, wow, that person was so great, then I can set my watch to me thinking that that person is a bit of a tool. later on. And, and that's because people who come across like that, that tends to be something they've honed in their lives. It, I would argue that the more secure in myself I've become, the less dazzling I've become in the first five minutes of conversation.

Whoa.

I, I do not think I am as Kind of charming or charismatic as I used to be.

I agree with that. I feel the same way.

I disagree. So I just wanted to make sure you stayed confident in charming on the episode. You just wanted to- Trying to produce you.

As your brother, Matt, what I think you're getting at is you don't try as hard anymore. But in a good way. You're not so aggressively trying to ingratiate yourself. to charm someone new.

Guys, I have a comment from our YouTube page that is very relevant to this point you're making, Matt.

Okay.

All right. So this comment is from someone who says her name is BB. So I want to tell you guys because I do feel like we're a little community. Tonight I was on a third date with a guy whose personality isn't my type, but I feel calm and myself around him. I also didn't feel a lot of chemistry initially, but it's grown because I've always thought of him as handsome and cute. I found myself making a couple little corny jokes, and he seemed to appreciate them. Well, tonight we kissed. I liked that he didn't pressure me to kiss him this entire time. Oh my gosh, I lost my balance after our kiss. I know that's just chemistry, but I'm glad it's there. I'm really trying not to overthink things now and spiral off, but enjoy my time with him. Just had to share that.

Wonderful.

I think it's really, it's encouraging, but I also think it's okay to have a type. It's okay to, like, be attracted to things. What I would, what I would suggest that people do is ask themselves is, is your having a type, is your being attracted to people, is it Closing you off for more people or is it opening you up to more people? Because I think there's a way, we have a lot of people that comment that say, I'm just, I never attracted to anybody. Like those guys could do, they could do well to have a type to try to figure out like, what is it I like about other humans? You know? And so I just think, do you ever believe anyone though when they say.

They'Re not attracted to anyone? Well, I think it goes back to.

Exactly what you were saying before was they're playing it safe.

Correct.

They don't want to put themselves out there. but I think that it takes, I guess there's two sides of it. I do think sometimes we get, you know, I always joke that humans are my favorite animals. I really like people. You gotta start to really try to like people a little bit. And I just think a lot of people find it safe to just be very critical. Not my type, not my thing. I don't like that he does that. I don't like that she looks like this. And I think humans are pretty awesome.

Well, I think that when we get too far into our type, it becomes a form of it almost becomes a form of self-hatred that we start looking for a specific magical kind of person. Often that is very different from how we see ourselves. who we in some ways see as kind of aspirational. And anyone who shows the kind of human qualities that we have is kind of icky and gross. Because you're like, I'm trying to get away from me. And your type becomes the kind of unobtainable, the unattainable, I should say. And you're right, Jay. I mean, it becomes safe. It becomes safe to say that's my type, especially when your type is someone that is ever elusive. To me, it's no different. When I meet gay men who are like, I only ever like straight men, I'm like, what kind of self-hating bullshit is this?

I only like people who don't like me.

Well, it's so firstly, it's so safe.

Yeah.

Because it removes me from the game.

I would argue they were probably in the game in that moment with you. That's a possibility.

No, no.

They're just testing the waters to see how well they can get.

I also think you'd be surprised at the amount of straight men who just kind of go for it.

Yeah, but you know, I think that there is something, look, again, it's like people who say, I It's like people who find themselves going after married people. There is something safe about this. I'm in a way, I'm removing myself from the game. I don't have to actually compete. If I'm competing in the single market, then I have competition, right? Whereas if you're just off the market, but I like you, then there's no real competition. And I think that's a big reason why people end up continuously chasing after things that feel elusive. Now, when it comes to, I think there's an interesting kind of gray area that people may relate to, which is when they find themselves really enjoying being around someone who isn't their type or isn't typical for them. And they're drawn to that person, but they find themselves questioning themselves because they've created this very specific blueprint. And they're like, oh, but this isn't my type. Oh, this isn't what I normally go for. and that's playing into their decisions right now on a kind of, on an analytical level. They're putting up a barrier when actually what they're experiencing and what they're feeling and BB who left that comment, what she kind of described is, oh, I felt drawn to this person. Had I allowed my kind of logical mind to put up a barrier, it could have. It could have said, this person isn't the kind of guy that I normally go for. But instead she said, I'm feeling something, so let me explore that. And that to me is where there's a lot of potential outside of your type. It's not by finding someone that you don't find attractive at all in any way, shape or form, and saying, let me just stick it out and see what happens. It's more about paying attention to feelings you have in directions you don't normally go in.

Yes.

And seeing where those feelings take you. Yeah.

And that can be someone's character. It can be certain way they behave with you, a dynamic. But that's why I think, yes, it can be super helpful, right? If you are like, you're a sporty, hiking, mountain climbing, you know, gym junkie, whatever, It totally makes sense if you are like, I'm gonna go to physical things or I'm gonna meet people there because I would love someone who can share that with me. That totally makes sense. And it's great to think about your pool and to put yourself in those scenarios. I really, really agree with that. I think it's just that it shouldn't be a restriction and B, it's like you would be surprised how many things that might be peripheral even outside of the thing you thought was so crucial. You know, I've got friends who, one of my closest friends, one of them's an atheist, they're not an atheist, and one of them's very Christian. But, like, it doesn't affect their marriage. They have a great marriage. You know, it, it may be in a, in a world before they were married, they might have thought, oh, I can't marry someone who has opposite beliefs to me. But that turned out not being the most important thing, so. It's fine if you have your big thing or that certain thing is a deal breaker to you, but I think like you're saying, Matt, some openness to like, I might be surprised by someone here. It might be more about our dynamic that's unique and special than it is about they checked these 10 things I thought I needed in a partner.

You actually took the next subject out of my mouth, Stephen. I was gonna ask you, What do you say to somebody who says, I can only, I want to date somebody who is of the same faith as me. That's really important to me. And I'm sort of my type, so to speak, is somebody who shares my same religious beliefs. What do you say to those people?

I think there's probably a difference between a type and a rule that we've set up. So a type would be someone that we find ourselves drawn to for whatever reason. Physically, there's kind of some attraction imprint early on in our lives that led us down a certain path with a certain kind of aesthetic. Or there's personality traits that we find ourselves drawn to, either because we saw them in our parents, either for better or worse, It could be that there's a trauma bond happening that keeps happening with every person we're with. Those to me are types. There's a sort of unconscious, I just feel drawn to that kind of person. Then there's rules that we set up. And saying, I need to date someone from my religion is a rule. that we've set up. I almost see that as slightly different from a type. It's a rule. And just like types narrow down our options, the more rules we have for what someone has to be or who they have to be, the kind of person they have to be in life, what they believe, what they do with their lives, the more rules we set up, the smaller our pool is going to be. And so for years, I've dealt with people who come with some kind of rule around religion or faith. And it's just like any other rule, really. It narrows your pool. And you have to therefore ask yourself, if this is go, every time you narrow your pool, your love life's gonna get harder to meet someone. So then you have to ask yourself, how worth it is it to me to narrow my pool in this way?

How important?

Now, I'm not here to make a judgment on that. That's up to people to decide. But what I do encourage people to do is to ask themselves, what's behind the rule? What's actually behind it? You and I, when we got together, you were my worst nightmare. Thank you. You were a vegetarian. And I don't have anything against vegetarians at all. Jamison will tell you that there is some part of me that sort of, I think probably for you too, Jay, we kind of are similar on this, that we've not been able to bring ourselves to stop eating meat. We sort of do believe that probably we should be vegetarians.

I believe that if I was a better person, I would stop eating meat.

Correct. And that's sort of the camp I'm in. But that's what's also true is that there's nothing more exciting to me than going to great restaurants with amazing food and eating whatever is the speciality there. and the idea of being with someone who can't eat that thing with me and be like, isn't this incredible, would have been something that I would have said, well, that's not what I want. And Audrey, I'm sure on some level may have thought, well, we'll be more compatible if the person I'm with is a vegetarian, because it means we think the same way in that department. I don't think it was ever a rule for Audrey. Clearly it wasn't. But they're probably, if it was a preference, it might have been listed as a preference. But when we came together, what was clear about both of us, what was clear about you is that you love animals. And you also care about the environment. And so there were deep things motivating. your decision not to eat meat. And the truth is that even though what we do is different, my beliefs aren't actually that different in terms of what we value. We both value life, we both value animals, we both love animals, and we both care about the environment. But your approach to that has been different, but we still connect in terms of the values driving us. And so we're able to find a home together in that value system, even though the way we live in that home differs. And when I think about, for example, people with religion, I think there's probably a lot of people who actually have extraordinarily similar values to them that get written off because they're either from a different faith or because they're not of a faith at all. Or in some cases, we've had people who I've coached who have said, it's not enough that they're part of my faith. They need to be really devout. So now you even have a narrowing of a pool within the same faith. Again, I'm not saying what people should, here to dictate what rules people should have, only that we should consider the possibility that other people have things to teach us and we have things to teach them. And I think one of the great things about a relationship is that when you come to somebody who has different ways of living, that you actually find this, the genesis of something new that comes out of the two of you. There is a kind of one plus one equals three situation that happens where both of you learn something and both of you grow because a relationship does not need to be an echo chamber. But a lot of us, when we create rules, we act like it does need to be an echo chamber. And that reflects our arrogance that we think we've, what we have decided in life, what we have come to believe is the just, that is the truth, that is the be all end all best way to live. It's the best way to operate in life. That's the best way to think. And all I need is to find somebody else who's also discovered all of these best ways of living and thinking. It's an incredible arrogance.

And you might just be on that dating app and just see one thing in the profile, right? That goes vegetarian and you go, Oof, I'm not a vegetarian.

Yeah.

Swipe left, like instantly gone. It's, you know, you, you. These are the heuristics that people make very fast decisions on.

But that's the crazy part, is that that Audrey is a vegetarian is annoying to me.

Still now?

But what is driving that is...

Guilt.

What is driving that is absolutely one of the things I love most about Audrey. So that's an interesting conundrum, isn't it? But But that trait that's driving her, the kindness and the compassion and the love that's driving that decision for her, that makes my life so much better. And so you have to, like being obsessed with these things on the surface, instead of understanding that the very trait that produced that thing that you think is not for you might be the thing that benefits you most in the relationship.

And I think this may be potentially off topic, but I think this is such a good point that I want to just shine a light on it. Because sometimes we forget that the things that we resent our partners the most for or the things that we don't like in people can be the sort of flip side of the coin for the things that's going to make that are going to make your life much better. And a lot of the times we undervalue or even resent certain characteristics. But what we don't realize is whilst discarding those, we're discarding all of the great things we're actually looking for in people.

Yes.

And I think that's a really important thing to remember. Whenever somebody does something and you go, oh, God, they got a bit annoyed about this. They're a bit sensitive. They're a bit that, you know, you, tie it to all of the ways that they're sensitive. Are they sensitive to your feelings as well as their own feelings? Are they sensitive to other people in the world? And do they care about things? Is them being sensitive actually them being empathetic and therefore having that in abundance in all areas of life? And does that make your life better?

Right. And that's, that's really, it's a great point because then what you can find is you might date someone where you initially see their sensitivity as not sexy. Right, you go, oh, God, they're so sensitive and blah, blah, blah. And that part of you, it's like the teenager on the playground at school is like, where's the Danny Zuko in all of this? You know? Where's the bold, like, slickback struts in in his leather jacket? That guy, that guy's sexy.

And I love Matt's interpretation of what Women's types are actually like... That's what.

Audrey was thinking about in his gelled hair.

You know, I think of Danny Zuko as just having that incredible, like, put on swagger, you know? But you then have to run that experiment. You have to go, okay, like Audrey said, what actually do I get with this sensitivity? that makes my life so much better and makes for a much better relationship. And what did the opposite of this look like in my last five relationships? What did the people who had no sensitivity, how did that play out for me the last five times? So you have to run the experiment all the way through. that thing that I keep going for. What happens? And even if my initial response to this is not as exciting, how does that play out? Yeah. If I actually give it more thought and let it run to its natural kind of terminal velocity. So now I wanna, I wanna just take a step back for a moment because I I just want to put a bow on this and say, I don't want this conversation to be construed as us saying, I don't want it to be construed as kind of some sort of preachy, go for better human beings and stop going for people that you're attracted to. Firstly, it would be incredibly sad if you couldn't find a marriage between the two. And if you can't find a marriage between the two, that is suggestive of some kind of being led by some kind of trauma as opposed to something that's actually good for you long term. But it's not saying go for people that you're not in any way attracted to. It's be very wary of A, the instinct to keep going for the same thing. Because half the time, the reason we think we're attracted to the same thing over and over is because that's the thing we keep doing. We keep reinforcing that pattern over and over. And so you've just convinced yourself that that's the only reality that's available to you. And attraction is so weird and it's so complex, and it's so in many ways sort of unknowable that the idea that you have figured out the only kind of person that you can be attracted to is so It's so ridiculous. It's nonsense.

You have a bias from your ex sometimes as well, right? Like you're trying to either rewrite that relationship or you think, I really love them, so that's the kind of person you are.

Of course. And if you had a very emotional experience with someone of that kind and that your brain links up, we know that the brain creates long-term memories out of the most emotionally heightened experiences. So, when you have a relationship that there were massive spikes of emotion, then your brain wires that up as important. That was important. Remember that it was important. And we're just not aware of how many other experiences are available to us in the realms of infinite possibility of relationships we could have and types of people we could be attracted to and the types of people, the vast array, the diversity of people, people that could wow us, we cannot give ourselves too much credit that we have just figured out exactly what it is we want and need. So that's the first thing. And the second thing is knowing that go into your dating life with a sense of curiosity, with a sense of openness to being surprised. Hmm, this is interesting. This person is actually I feel really good around this person. Now, I'm telling myself they're not my normal type and therefore they must be a friend, not something more. But why am I telling myself that? What's that based on? Is it really based on the fact that I couldn't be attracted to this person or that I'm just not letting myself be attracted to this person, or I'm just not giving this person the time of day? What? What is. Where am I holding myself back as opposed to I couldn't be attracted and some of the Some of the time, the only way to know that is to actually give something more of a chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance. Not because you feel nothing and you're just having wild stabs in the dark, but because you actually do feel something, a little flame that might actually be worth breathing some oxygen into that might actually be worth giving a little more time to catch. Fire.

Like BB.

Like BB. She wasn't there because she felt nothing. She was there because she felt something curious. And she followed that curiosity. And importantly, that is humility.

And importantly, she said, But I feel calm in myself around him. BB has really been watching a lot of our videos.

Well, that is a great sign of a healthy relationship, right? You feel calm and you feel yourself around them and you feel like you can be yourself. The reason BB feels like herself around him is because along the way he's made her feel that she can be. He's made her feel accepted in that way. So she's not trying to pretend to be something else to get his attraction. And that's a sign of a really healthy relationship. And I honestly think as well, the more you, the more we grow, the more we realize what happiness actually looks like, the more healthy relationships start to look really attractive.

I agree.

So I want to do a question because each week I want to do a question from one of our listeners before we do that. And I also want to read a few more reviews as well. I wanna Stephen, maybe there's a couple of emails we want to read that have come in. We've been, by the way, we've been getting a lot of great emails to podcast@matthewhussie.com as well. Some really great emails coming in and they're coming in thick and past right now. I'll tell you this, Stephen, how many, how many listeners did we just cross over into? How many downloads did we get this month?

Well, for the month of July, we crossed the Milestone of 1 million downloads.

Matt, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle, pickle.

If we didn't end up putting the pickle song at the beginning, that's going to make no sense that we said that. But, yeah, thank you, everyone hitting Hitting a million is fantastic. We're over the moon about how many of you are responding to the show. And, yeah, it's just, it's just really awesome.

Is there anyone out there that is a sort of some kind of music producer or songwriter that could maybe just create us a little riff for jams? Because we've had pickles already out there. Someone's already claim that territory. If there's anyone that can put a beat together on their computer, really kind of knows what they're doing and just wants to do a little pro bono work.

You're asking a lot of people. You're like, give me reviews, give me a song.

I think there would be nothing better than a little, some sort of little jams jingle that actually came from one of our Communities.

That would be amazing.

It send it to if you've got anything like that, send it to podcast@matthewhussy. .com if you know anyone, obviously they're not going to do it for free unless they're a fan of the podcast. So get them onto the podcast first and then a month later let them know that we also would like a jingle. But that would be great.

Also at that email address, could you let us know, I'm interested if you've ever dated someone outside your type and how it went. So just in regards to this discussion, if you've ever dated someone out your type and been pleasantly surprised, unpleasantly surprised, let us know.

I'd love to hear.

We'll read those on the next episode. Also, if you want to send in a voice note to our email address.

We would love to hear it. Oh, that's right. We wanted to get some voice notes going. If you've got, like, just drop us, you know, hit record on your phone.

Not, not like no five minute.

No, no, like 30 seconds. In order for it to even fit in an email, I think it's got to be quite quite short. But, yeah, if you want to want to have your a chance to have your voice featured on the podcast, your question, your voice, part of this community, actually audible, tangible in it with us.

That would be nice. And we'll play you out loud in the same manner that we played the pickle song out loud.

Jameson, you just made me want to send in a voice note. That was very convincing. I loved it.

Before we go any further in the podcast, is there someone that is not in your life anymore that you feel is not in your life, not because it was a necessary ending, but because there was something that happened that either broke you up or there was a misunderstanding, or there was just something that you feel was down to a lack of communication. And you really do feel like the two of you have a shot at being great together. I am always loathe to tell people to get back with an ex because I think nine times out of ten is probably the wrong move. But I also appreciate that there are many people who I mean, how many couples do we know even between us who at one point broke up and then ended up together?

A lot.

A lot.

It happens. It's real life.

So, when people say it ended for a reason, it's always a bit like, well, tell that to your mum and dad who are happy now, who at one stage broke up, you know, like you never know in life. If there is someone in your life that you would like to rekindle with, we have a free guide at Rekindle the Right Way. .com that shows you how to do it in a healthy way. No tricks, no doing things that wouldn't be good for you. No manipulation, just you putting your best foot forward with someone and giving them a chance to do the same. If there is a shot at rekindling with this person in a healthy way, this is how you do it. To unlock your free video training on rekindling a relationship, go to rekindletherightway.com Before we get to that last question, Audrey, from one of our listeners, we had a couple of emails that came in to podcast@matthewhussie.com Sarah Mills says, First off, love Audrey on here for the female point of view. such a great addition to the podcast. Today's episode on how to get over the one that wasn't really the one was like an arrow to my heart bubble that I so needed to break the spell. Valuing chemistry more than character, that resonated with me so much. It's hard because feelings don't make sense in a rational way. And when you're in over your head, you can't see these facts. I keep asking myself why I can't let go. because when we were together, it felt so good, yet so many wrongs in the character column. I just might be able to turn a corner now, guys. Much love from true North of Canada.

I really, really love that.

I love a heart bubble. I never really heard that before, but it paints quite a picture. An arrow to the heart bubble.

Yeah.

I just love the fact that she found it useful and it's actually helped in moving on because Sometimes we get stuck on people and it's so difficult to shift in any meaningful way. Yeah. So I really love that.

Yavanna says, hi, Jams crew. I just want to say that after binge listening to 110 of your podcast episodes, very specific, I feel like now I have a new group of intelligent friends who always know what to say. I feel so much more confident in the fact that I ended a friendship with my ex and I'm truly looking forward to having my single time as a time for my greatest growth. Thank you so much for being a part of my journey. Also, having Audrey on the podcast makes me the happiest pickle. Do tell her that, please. Much love, Yvonne.

Q. Pickle song.

Per pickle.

Per pickle. Per pickle. Per pickle.

Per pickle. I'm really honoured she binge watched a.

Hundred episodes that that is 110, Stephen.

Thank you.

I'm really glad you're choosing emails that are saying nice things about me. Thank you.

Well, this one of course jumps in to Stephen's defense. This is from Daniel who says, first of all, I can with certainty say it was 1000% Stephen who came up with jams. Just wanted to get that settled. It was a couple of episodes ago and to be honest, when he first broke it out, no one was really feeling it. I mean, Daniel's really calling us all out here.

I'm a man ahead of my time, Daniel. I'm a man ahead of my time.

To be honest, when he broke it out, no one was really feeling it. But I'm glad it stuck because you guys together have such a great chemistry. It's wild to think because for so long it was just Matthew and now I can't imagine the podcast without any one of you. It's just a shame that pickles, peaches and pears had to be the sacrificial lamb to make room for jams. Don't forget your roots, Stephen. Anyway, I'm in Hollywood, California. Oh, he's nearby. Daniel's nearby somewhere. He's in the vicinity. I like Daniel a lot.

Well, he sounds kind of like an agent trying to like swoop in and take Steve away from everybody. He does. He's like, an Ari Gold character in that.

He's sort of saying that Steven's names are unappreciated, that he should be getting more love for them. It's a shame that a new band name came in and took over.

He's an evil band manager.

I'll be in touch, Daniel.

He says, anyway, I'm in Hollywood, California, and I've been listening to every episode for over a year now. and although I haven't even been dating at all due to work being so crazy, obviously with that agent life, there's a lot going on. I'm addicted to your show because of how you break down the psychology of how and why people do things in a modern relationship. I love that every topic is actually relatable and it really makes you stop and think. I know now that when I am ready to start dating again, I'll make better decisions. PS. Audrey, scientific studies have shown that sleeping in a cold room is proven to provide a much more sound sleep. Matt wins this one. Keep jamming out, guys. Thanks for all you do. I mean, I really like Daniel.

I actually see that you and listeners and everybody, I I actually wanted to say this at the beginning of the episode, but I got sidetracked. I have to apologize because the statement I made a few episodes back when I said it was impossible to sleep if your feet were cold, I kind of did a bit of digging and I was told this fact a little while ago and I believed it to be true, but it turns out that I was wrong. So, I'm sorry.

That's actually very big of you to admit how wrong you were.

Yeah.

Thank you.

It does hurt. I mean, it doesn't really work in the current media environment to admit when you're wrong, though.

It makes a show look weak.

I think it's quite obvious that we have to do what the done thing is today and fire Audrey.

Let's put out a couple of tweets.

We will give you the chance to resign.

Really? Try and make jams without a vowel.

Whoa.

Now look what Daniel did. He got in here. He got in our heads. He broke up the bond.

I'll tell you what word we can make with a vowel that is an A. Pickles.

Pickles. How does the song go?

Pickle, per pickle, per pickle, per pickle, per pickle, pickle, pickle. Pickles? Unfortunately though, Stephen, we can't use peaches and pears for that reason. So we will have to stick with pickles. Lastly, Ioana says, Barack Obama, this is of course referring to the fact that in a previous episode we talked about the fact that there isn't a great word for women outside of guys, which we kind of have always found a little awkward. People from Texas have said, y'all is a solution for a group of women or a group of men and women mixed. But I don't think that we can get away with y'all. No.

And Steven says pickle.

London. Steven, pickles does... Non-gendered. Pickles is very much non-gendered. So that could be...

He is a man ahead of his time.

Ioana says Barack Obama used folks. Exactly for that reason, to avoid any gender nuances. So he obviously went for the Bugs Bunny approach. But Matt, we're- I don't know that we can get away with folks.

Three of us are English. English people can't say folks, can they? Well, folks.

Hey, folks.

I don't know.

It sounds- It sounds affected, doesn't it?

Because it's an America- Americans, I think of it as like them in, you know, Abe Lincoln, he stood on the podium and he's like, well, folks, let me tell you this. There's a, you know, something very, very Americano.

Barack sounds great saying folks, but I just don't think we're going to be.

Able to pull that off. Also because you can't pronounce it, clearly.

Folks.

You're pronouncing the L. You're pronouncing the L in it. I was trying, I was doing some sort of slightly pronouncing it how Barack would pronounce it. Well, yeah, he doesn't say folks. like yolks.

Well, folks, he doesn't say folks.

Folks.

Anyway, the search. The search continues. I I. Audrey, well, let's finish with a question today. What is our special question of the day that. That we're going to answer?

Well, Christina sent something in which I.

Where did she send that?

Audrey, she sent it at.

Podcast@Matthewhussy.Com and this is our segment called Q and Audrey.

Yeah, everyone, if you could pitch in and let us know what you think we should call this little segment where Audrey reads a question from the audience. The front runner right now is Q and Audrey.

Yes, let's see if we can come up with different options.

It's not bad though, Q and Audrey. If you've got a better one, let us know.

Christina? wrote in and said, hi, I really like this guy and we've dated off and on for about a year, but I wasn't ready for a relationship at first since I had just got out of a three-year relationship and wanted some time to myself. I'm now ready to date this guy and he has some trust issues with me and what we've been through previously. For example, my ex calling and liking my pictures on Instagram. He wanted to look through my phone recently and I said no. He said in order to trust me he would need my login info for my Instagram and Gmail in order to trust me again. I feel like this is an invasion of privacy and a control tactic. Am I in the wrong or is he? This is giving me doubts on if I really want to be in a relationship with him now. Thanks for your help.

So did she, they dated three years ago? And she decided not to or?

No, she had just got out of a three-year relationship. So she doesn't say when they dated, but presumably she came out of this relationship, was dating him for a bit, but wasn't ready to commit to him and to commit to a relationship. She's now had some time to herself, come back towards him, they've come back into each other's lives. And he is saying to her, I have trust issues. I don't trust you. Because while we were dating last time, your ex was calling you and he was liking your pictures on Instagram. So I would like to log in to your Instagram and your Gmail in order to build up the trust again. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I'd love your thoughts.

I mean, look, my, my Top Line thoughts are that you should address the issues from the time. So what was it? If, if you took your moral compass and said, what have I done? I I believe is, was either wrong or hurtful. It's worth exploring that and then addressing those things. For example, if she feels like I am a little in the wrong because I kind of led him on and I didn't actually tell him that I wasn't ready for a relationship. And I kind of let him get more and more invested all the while I was still talking to my ex and having some kind of flirtations there. And ultimately, and ultimately, I ended up hurting the new guy because I wasn't ready for anything and I didn't really let him know that early on. Then that's the conversation you address. You say, you come, you sort of come clean on that stuff. And you say, look, here's the reality. I came out of a relationship and I wasn't ready for something, but I acted poorly with you. I was selfish in the way that I approached our situation. because rather than admitting upfront I wasn't ready for more, I let things progress to a level that then hurt you. I wasn't in love with my ex or, you know, I wasn't trying to be back with my ex, but I also wasn't in a place where I was able to fully commit to somebody. And I'm sorry that at the time I wasn't more honest with you about that. That being said, I've had time to think about what I want. I really find myself now in a place where I can give to a relationship and you're the person I'd like to give that a try with because I really like you. And I did in the beginning, which is why I wanted to get to know you in the first place, albeit at a time when I wasn't ready. However, if we're going to start from a place of trust that has to cut both ways. And my you trusting me has to also come with me being able to trust that you respect healthy boundaries and that you respect my privacy and you asking for the login to my social media and to my whatever it was, her emails or phone or whatever is, is it's not acceptable to me. I would. I wouldn't want to have that kind of relationship with anybody. And I certainly wouldn't ask the same of you. If I was going into a relationship with you where I felt there were trust issues, I wouldn't be asking for the logins. I'd be asking myself, do I really trust who this person is? as a human? Do I trust their character? And do I see them? Do I see my it being worth giving them a shot? I wouldn't say. I wouldn't make it conditional on whether I had the logins to their devices. And I ask the same of you. Now, I'm telling you the truth about the past. I've come clean about where I was at the time, and I'm also being honest with you about where I am now. if that's not enough for you, that's a real shame because I think we could be great and I think that we could have something really special, but I also understand that this is a line for me that's being crossed and I don't want to start on the footing of me feeling like my privacy has been invaded.

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. I also think ultimately if you choose to get back together with someone. That's not to say if somebody has hurt you in the past, you can, of course, you're gonna have to work through certain things. But if you choose to get back with someone, you should choose to trust them again. And trusting them doesn't mean having access to their email, their social media. It means you trust them in spite of the fact that you have no proof that they're not doing anything. That's what trust is. It's if I have to, if I have to check your phone every time in order to trust you, then you don't. then I don't trust you. And if you choose to get back with someone, you have to come at it from a place where you are going, I trust you enough to see whether or not this is going to go somewhere and whether or not you're going to be good for me. And I think if you can't do that, that means that the relationship, the trust is broken, is too far gone. which can happen. And that's a real shame, but it's also it's the part where you're saying, which it is a shame, but it's that does happen sometimes for people. But you have to be self-aware enough to know that if the security you need is to be able to constantly check people's emails and social media and messages in order to feel safe, then there's something wrong with the relationship.

Well, and there's something I would argue there's something you have to really look at in yourself. because if. If a healthy person doesn't trust someone, they don't say, give me access to everything. Give me all of your logins. They say, I'm having real issues here going into this relationship because I don't trust you. And I'm. That's. Maybe that's partly my fault because I'm overthinking things or I'm letting my demons get carried away, but. until I can address those for myself, then going further isn't going to work for me. You don't respond to it by saying, give me your logins.

Yeah.

Or let's work together to, you know, let's invest in trying to make me trust you because I recognize that this could be my thing, but it's also, you know, been instigated by something you've done. So let's work together to.

Yeah.

To get to a place where we, you know, we have that trust and we rebuild together as a team, but in a healthy way, rather. than from a foundation of checking.

Yeah. What I would say to her is make sure you feel you have had an really open, clear conversation with him about the areas where you feel you fell short and what you wish you had done differently. And say it plainly. and directly, because that's what gives credibility to your words today. What you don't want, it's easy when someone doesn't trust you to get into a very this pattern of what becomes really noisy communication of, I didn't even do this. And you're making a thing out of this, and it wasn't even a thing. and this and that. And, you know, like there's a kind of like, or an over justification is the opposite of that, where it's like, I'm so sorry and I didn't mean to do this. I didn't mean to do that. Instead, there has to be a point at which you say, this is what happened. This is why it happened that way. And there isn't anything more that I can say about that factually, because that's it. that's what it. That's. That's the situation, allowing him to dictate the Paradigm of chopping it up a thousand different ways, which, by the way, asking for your logins is just another version of that, is I want to just look in your stuff to just chop it up even more ways. Well, that's. That's. That's you buying into their Paradigm. that's you allowing them to dictate the rhythm of the communication. What I want Christina to have is the closure that she communicated clearly and openly and directly, and then said, that's all there is to say, and I'm ready to move on. And if you're not, that's okay, but I can't Unless you want to just work together to build trust going forward, there's no more I can say about that because I've explained to you everything.

But I would argue she's allowed to revisit it. Sorry, he would be allowed to revisit it with her if he feels insecure in moments or triggered in moments. I think it's not so much about going, you know, here's all I have to say about it. Now let's move on. It's about not indulging the worst sides of him and his jealousy. Because ultimately, if you indulge that side.

Of him, yes, yes, I agree with that. I agree with that. But there's a tone and a manner of communication that someone who is trying to find more than there is or trying to, you know, if they're coming from their demons and if they're coming from their own trauma and their fears, then they will try to stoke the fires of that conversation to create more. And you have to kind of be the water that's constantly putting that out, not by shutting things down and saying, I'm never talking about this again, but if someone's getting an agitated tone and saying, but what about this? And when you did that, and when, you know, .. It's like back then, I was in this situation, I was feeling this, and I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of being unclear, or I'm not proud of not being straight about my intentions, or whatever. But that's the whole story. And if there's healing to be done amongst us, between us, that's okay. I'm all for that. But there isn't any more story. to tell. That's the part where you have to be, you don't let someone drag you into slicing and dicing the situation in more ways than the situation actually deserves. Because then you are, you're allowing their trauma, you're allowing their demons to set the tone for the conversation. You can communicate with them and help them heal. But what you can't do is get dragged into matching their tone and their manner of communication.

Yeah, I would say, Christina, listen back to what Matt said in your answer. You could transcribe that and it's just perfectly written. But also Matt's tone was just right, too, as far as being the water on that flame. And don't, yeah, don't go, don't be invited to the demon dinner. Have your own, have your own, set the table yourself and let that be the narrative.

Thank you so much, Christina.

And that was another episode of Q and Audrey.

Which could have been a whole separate podcast. I'm dangerously, we're dangerously long on this episode. Hopefully people won't mind. Let us know. Do you prefer the longer or the shorter episodes? We won't be hurt. And one of our favorite things actually is reading out the criticisms that you send in. No, Audrey's, they're not Audrey's favorite thing. I quite enjoy it.

If you look at Audrey's face, if you're lucky enough to watch the video version of the podcast, Audrey's face when they're talking about the criticism. It's just priceless. She's very wounded. Whoever wrote in about the chit chat beforehand, I was just watching Audrey's face during that call.

Can I just read one comment that I just thought it was from YouTube? It was from our most recent hit video. Jameson, what was our recent hit video that's just absolutely smashing it on YouTube?

13 subtle ways to make him want more with you. Absolute gangbusters.

So it's killing. There was a comment from Susan E. I think you'll appreciate this, Jay. I haven't read it to you yet. I don't think I have. She said, I like your tips, but isn't it terrible that relationships are so complicated these days that our every move has to be analyzed? I think if it doesn't just flow naturally with someone, what's the point of bothering with that person? I think the most important thing is just to be yourself. If it's all too hard and we have to think about things and overanalyze everything we say or do, then it's just not the right person. Now, anyone with a sense of irony will enjoy the second half. of this comment. So I'll remind you, she said, basically, why does it all have to be this complicated? Why do we have to analyze our every move? And if we do have to think about things and overanalyze everything we say or do, then it just isn't the right person. She goes on to say, can he make me laugh? Do we have fun together? Are we just able to be ourselves around each other? Are we on the same wavelength most of the time? Is he respectful of me and my beliefs, my needs and my thoughts? Do things just flow naturally, especially in the bedroom? If the answer is yes to all of these questions, then we are probably with the right person. I mean, she's essentially just written another video. It's a comment about not over analyzing where she's proceeded to list that we could, you could literally turn that into eight ways to know they're the right person.

That's true.

I always love when someone says, it's not that complicated. Just do this. And then when you actually get into it, it's always, there's always stuff to think about. There's always stuff to, if it wasn't, if there weren't anything to analyze, this wouldn't be an area we talk about all day, every day. We analyze it because our relationships are something we can actually get better at. there's something that we can actually improve on. How attractive we are is something we can actually change by the way we have conversations, by the way we show our confidence, by the way that we appreciate somebody else's and anticipate somebody else's needs. Thank you everyone for joining the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew, Audrey, Jameson and Stephen, also known I can't even get to the end of my sentence now. It's just people screaming jams.

And pickle. Go celebrate. Go celebrate with jam and a pickle, folks.

No, that doesn't make sense.

See, I got it in.

Well done, Steve.

In case you did not catch it earlier, the place to go to get your personalized, tailored dating solution based on your love life challenge is to go to www.yourdatingsolution.com Thank you so much everybody out there for listening. Don't forget to leave us a review on iTunes. It really does mean the world to us. And we've been reading absolutely all of them since the last episode. It really was so lovely that you sent them when we mentioned it last time. Do send us more. Let us know what you think of the podcast. And we cannot wait to speak to you in the next episode of Love Life, the podcast where we show you how to find the love you want and love the life you already have. We'll see you next time.