THIS Mindset Keeps You Single (+ Matt's thoughts on being engaged)

How you define commitment shapes your entire reality of how you make decisions. Welcome to the Love Life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, and my brother stuff. Stephen Hussey, welcome.

Peaches, puddings, pickles, plums and pears. And you are back with the two Freyas. If you speak French, that means brother. Hello, Matthew.

So we're gonna. Are we actually gonna use that?

That's in. That's straight in the podcast. That's how it works.

You wrote an email the other day to our entire mailing list and called them pickles in the email.

I did, sir.

Now that got sent without any approval from me because I might have. I might have changed the word pickles had I had the chance to see it before it went out.

That's why people hide things from you, so that sort of mistakes like that don't happen.

What mistakes like me removing the word? Do you know, not everyone knows our personalities, Steve. That could just be a brand new person on the mailing list whose first email they got refers to them as pickle.

It's quite sweet, isn't it? It's affectionate.

I mean, if you hear your tone of voice, maybe, but in an email, I don't know if it reads the same.

Well, fair enough.

Steve, before we get started today, will you do us the honours of reading an email from one of our listeners?

Yes. Well, we've had a lovely one in the email inbox podcastathuhussey.com if you want to send us one. This is from Ms. Bell, who says, I just wanted to let you know that you have gotten me through the hardest divorce and hardest two years of my life. I listen to a certain four of your podcasts. What if he changes for someone else? What if I feel bad for a toxic partner? When to quit a relationship and how to tell you're in a relationship with a narcissist. Over and over, every day it seems like you can see my life and are telling me just what I need in that moment, day or week. Your voices are so calming and easy to listen to. I've been in therapy for a year and while that has been helpful, I feel like you have been an added bonus and you cover things my therapist has not. I could add a lot more that I have learned, but this is long enough. Thank you again. Keep doing what you are doing because it is making a difference. That's from Ms. Bell.

Thank you so much, Ms. Bell. We really appreciate that. And if of course, you have something you'd like to tell us, you can email podcastthewhussey.com.

Well, I got a little question for you, Matt. Last time we did this podcast together in the same room, you were a single man.

On a contract, it would probably call me. I would have to refer to myself as a single man. But I don't think that my now fiance would appreciate you saying I was a single man.

Yeah, well, no, you were not. You're not a single man.

I'd have to tick the box at a doctor's office that says single on a passport.

Or a doctor's office. You were single, but you are now engaged since we last spoke.

I am indeed, Steve.

So is this podcast gonna change? Is this it? Is it. Is it a new vibe now? Is it. Is this like, oh, he's the bachelor and he's the married one, and they're gonna talk about love? Is. Is that. Is it a new shtick?

I don't. I don't think so. I don't want to be. You know, like, when someone's been doing something for five minutes and all of a sudden, they have all the wisdom on that thing.

Right. It's like if you just became a vegan. If you just became a vegan, and now every episode talks about veganism.

Exactly. Exactly. Or it's like you do one. You do one surfing lesson, and all of a sudden, you talk to everyone about the wonders of surfing. It. It's not. I haven't earned that. So I. I think I'm. I just. I'm really. I'm really happy. I feel really excited about where I am in my life right now.

Well, let me just. As a. As a man, you know, I'm a man who has so far this. At this age, avoided marriage, not gotten married yet.

Don't say it like that. You've really just showing your hand there.

No, I. I mean avoided. Just in the. It's not pejorative.

You've not gotten married.

I've not gotten married.

But to say you've avoided it suggests a viewpoint.

I've been dodging proposals everywhere. The. What I want to ask you is, does it. Does it feel different when you are engaged? Does something change in the brain? Is it a different feeling? Is it a different headspace?

Hmm. That's a great question for me. Well, on one hand, no, because I wouldn't have done it had it not felt like a natural and organic progression of. Of where we were already and the kind of bond and future we were. The bond we have and the future we were planning. It felt very natural. I always think that it's Funny in movies and TV shows where someone is just so unbelievably shocked by a proposal. You know, like when the woman is just like, completely shocked by the idea that he's proposing. I always think some. Feels like something's gone wrong here. Like, this is a big. This is a. This is a big decision, and you guys haven't even talked about the idea or. It's not like it's not been communicated in any way. It feels like if. If an engagement or if marriage is an organic progression of where the relationship is at, it probably. The timing might be surprising that it was this month and not three months from now. But the idea that someone's proposing to you, it seems odd if that's a complete shock to me.

But your fiance was surprised when you did it?

Yes. Yeah, she was shocked.

She said, you have really thrown a Hail Mary here. It is very fast. And I just.

No, she didn't say. No, she didn't. She was just shocked, I think, at the fact that this thing that we had talked about was actually occurring. And I think that in a. In the same way that I. Look, this is the kind of shock that I think is somehow maybe slightly unavoidable is when I proposed, I knew that was going to happen. I had bought a ring. I knew that I was going to get down on one knee and propose. And yet I could not have predicted how nervous I was when it happened. You know, Steve, I. I thought, this is gonna be just. It's gonna be another. It's gonna be a speech to one. And I've been speaking for a long time, and I know this is gonna happen. And I also feel confident that she's gonna say yes. So what is there to be nervous about? What is there to. To create that kind of shakiness that I felt? I could literally feel my hand shaking with the ring in it. But I think that the gravity of it still somehow took me by surprise in the moment and the meaning of it. And. And also, I suppose from my side and from any man's side, the feeling that you don't get a redo of that moment makes it a bit scary. And you know that this moment is going to be a story that's going to get told, so you want to get it right. But I do think that despite the fact that it felt like an organic progression, there still. There still feels like there's something. There's some extra thing. There's some extra. Well, there is, of course, an extra commitment that's been made, but, you know, in my hesitation is that her and I had already made that commitment to each other before that. You know, we had already discussed being together forever before that. So it's not like it was a new concept. It just felt like a sort of codification of what we already felt and had said to each other. But that is the part that gives it that extra meaning. And I. No doubt we'll feel that even more so after getting married. John Turtletaub, who, you know, Steve, who is a friend of ours, who is a movie director, who directed A National Treasure and While youe Were Sleeping and Cool Runnings. Cool Runnings, my favorite. The Three Ninjas.

Oh, yeah, classic.

And he said to me that he said a couple of really interesting things about marriage because for me, I'm always fascinated by, you know, what things mean and. And why things are important, especially as when it comes to ceremony or something that would be seen as traditional. I. Because I'm not religious and because I'm not necessarily heavily spiritually inclined, although maybe I am, but I just don't like to label it that way. But you know what I mean, It. It's not, you know, I don't have those traditional reasons for doing something. I have to find my own meaning in something, especially if it's institutionalized, which. The. The part of me that is slightly rebellious, the part of me that is slightly contrarian, the part of me that doesn't like to involve institutions in my personal life, especially voluntarily, is skeptical. And so I, you know, it was important for me to understand why. Why do something like this? Why is it. Why is it not enough just to say we want to be together and then do that? And. And by the way, for anyone out there who does that, I actually still think that that's great and wonderful. And I don't, you know, I have. I don't have any judgment in either direction. I. I totally get that there's a part of me that. That speaks to. But this friend of ours, he said to me, in a world where we can kind of have anything we want, and it's so easy to drop things as soon as it's not interesting anymore, as soon as it's not quite as exciting anymore, as soon as it's not convenient anymore, he said, we need things that are more difficult to get out of. We need life to be made a little more difficult to just drop things, to drop commitments that we have, because it's so easy these days to drop any commitment we have. And that there is something about marriage that takes your finger off the trigger, people get divorced. Right. It's not like marriage stops people from not being, from. From ever breaking up. But it, as he put it, it takes your finger off the trigger when you have an argument, when things get difficult, you don't just have that escape hatch that's readily available that at any point you say, ah, screw it, I'm done. And he believes that to be a, A, A really good reason to get married. In some ways, the reasons a younger me would see as the problems with getting married, he sees as the important part of getting married.

Yeah, I remember there's a line in a Philip Roth novel where one of the guys says. He says the. The commitment in marriage is the excitement. And if that doesn't excite you, then you have no business being married.

Right. Which is really interesting because that's something that we spoke about on our commitment masterclass for our Love Life members, which is this idea that how you define commitment shapes your entire reality of how you make decisions. There's a couple of different definitions of commitment in the dictionary, and I won't get these perfectly right, but the sentiment will be there. One of them is being dedicated to a cause, and the other definition is the state of obligation that restricts freedom. Well, both of those could be considered apt.

Yeah.

Definitions of commitment. But which of those you believe in, which of those you really relate to, will absolutely define how you see the thing. If marriage or a relationship is a cause to which you are dedicated, then it feels more akin to fighting for something you believe in, which is a very. Feels noble and beautiful if. And important. If you believe in commitment as an obligation that restricts freedoms, then you have the sense of being out of control, having to do something and having to give up freedoms. What could be more attractive than freedoms? I want freedoms. Right, Freedoms. Freedom is such a positive word. So when you associate commitment with the loss of that word, then it feels like a trap.

It's quite interesting, isn't it, that, you know, there are a lot of people who would be afraid or avoidant of commitment in relationships who would equally very much romanticize being incredibly dedicated and cutting off everything else for their passion or for their. Whatever they consider their purpose in life or their art or their work. And I understand maybe they think sometimes that conflicts with romance or whatever, but they, they're not afraid of cutting off options in those areas where they're saying, this is my thing. This is what my life is dedicated to.

And of course, you know, a lot of the fears that people have around commitment are around the idea that they are going to lose fundamental parts of themselves or what's important to them that is going to change their life in ways that, that make their life unrecognizable and then where they'll no longer have access to all of these things that are important to them. And I. And to segue a little bit into something I think is a really interesting subject that, that overlaps with what we're talking about. If we don't pick the right teammate for a long term relationship, then it can mean those things. If we pick the wrong teammate, then it can mean the loss of ourselves. It can mean the loss of all these things that are really important to us, which speaks to the importance of picking the right person in the first place. And a question that I had for you today, Steve, that I think would be worthwhile discussing is what are the right things to be picky about? How do you relate to the idea of pickiness for yourself? And what in terms, when you're coaching people because obviously you're part of coaching an enormous number of our members every month, what to you is the right level of pickiness? Are people getting hurt in their dating lives right now because they're too picky?

I tend to find that in the early parts of a relationship, people harm themselves by being too picky. When they're not dating at all, when they're not dating at all, when they are talking about getting out there or they say it would be nice to meet someone. That's almost like the stage where people get to peak pickiness level because I guess it seems like work to go out. There's a lot of inertia. And I think there becomes this sense of, well, if I'm going to even do this, this person better be perfect. Like, these are all the things I want. And here's my checklist, here's my laundry list of traits I need in a person. They need to be this height, they need to look like this. This is how I want their style and their fashion sense to be. And I want this job, this degree.

And of course, dating apps allow us to literally apply that criteria. Right. Because when you're on a dating app, you literally can treat it like shopping for something off of a shelf. And you can apply your list of criteria to that thing. It can literally tell you how tall someone is or what they look like or what their fashion sense is like or what they're into. You can, you can literally apply your criteria in real time to this seeming buffet of options.

Yeah. And I've Noticed doing. You know, when I have used dating apps, they've often been the most successful or fruitful. Like, I've had a relationship before that came from a dating app, but it was, it was not that, oh, I saw her on Tinder and they seem so perfect. It was more like I went, I want to actually give some people a chance and go on some dates here and see if they're fun. Like, it starts as low criteria as that. Like, I find them attractive, they seem nice. And that's the test at the beginning, that's all you're really looking for. I have this phrase I've used before which is beyond super open minded about who you meet, but be really selective about who you invest serious emotion in. And I think at the beginning that's where you don't want pickiness. Pickiness can just destroy people. It becomes like its own form of. I think you can't think about things in the abstract. You can't think about a great relationship in the abstract because you know you're never gonna sit and give anyone an hour or give them a chance or go on another date. And if you are hoping to be blown away by like the moment you speak to them, that just tends not to happen. It tends to be something you develop, you learn about them, you find new exciting things about them, and then ultimately you're choosing. Right? Ultimately you are. I think you are choosing that this person is someone you want to invest more in. And I think that's the key is like, when are you willing to choose that?

Well, it's interesting, Steve, there is an article on the BBC that by Brian Lufkin that talks about the idea that people aren't actually as picky in reality as they think they are when describing who they would date. When people do pick a partner, research shows hidden biases mean we'll actually give people a chance even if they don't quite meet our criteria, Right?

Yes.

And I think that's interesting because dating apps no doubt make us much more picky than we are in reality. And I think anyone can kind of run this experiment. If you imagine going on a dating app and how you swipe through people so liberally in such a kind of laissez faire fashion. And then consider how you are if you're at a party and someone introduces you to someone.

Yeah.

You're far more likely to give that person that you've been introduced to in real life a moment, a chance than you are on a dating app where that person may not even make it into Your. I'm gonna send them a quick hi folder.

Yeah. And it might even be for weird reasons. Like, you'll see one movie they said was their favorite movie, and you're like, oh, God, really? That one, like, oh, roll your eyes. Oh, that's so, like, cliche. But if you met someone at a party who is great, you wouldn't reject them on the basis that their favorite movie, like, made you roll your eyes a bit. You. You'd. You'd be like, oh, I don't care. Like, this is really fun. I'm having a great time.

Or they're a couple of inches under the height that you've decided you want for yourself, and that becomes a reason not to choose someone. And this is the. That's what's really interesting is that perfect partners aren't picked in the margins. If you met someone who is a couple of inches under what you thought you wanted your height to be or the person's height to be, and they ended up being so many amazing things in a relationship and you had an amazing time with them and chemistry and whatever the chances at that point of you walking away because they're not quite the right height or the height that you'd predetermined was important. Are they. It's almost never going to happen. Or I would argue if it does happen, then you've got to start looking inward and saying, okay, what's happening with me that I am treating my love life like a thing to be optimized instead of finding someone who is an amazing partner. If I find a fantastic partner, what's going on with me that I am optimizing in this way that I'm still telling myself it's not quite right because they don't have this thing or that thing.

Yeah. I almost think you're not looking for. The mistake is to think you're looking for a perfect person, but you're actually looking for an amazing fit, someone that fits you really well, that fits the pieces of your jigsaw really well. And that's a very different thing.

One of the phrases this article uses is it's not about the partner you choose, but the partnership you build, which I think is extraordinarily important. Now, I don't think that you can just choose any partner. We have to choose a partner with the right stuff and then look at the partnership we're building with them and see if the partnership is one that is meeting our needs, if the partnership is one that can make us happy. But that's a very different thing. From spending our whole lives optimizing in terms of the partner it says here in this article. Steve, maybe it's not that helpful to search and search for a partner who looks good on paper, but it is helpful once dating someone to look for early signs that the relationship is turning out to be healthy and supportive. That, I think is a real shift away from whether someone meets all of the criteria we thought we wanted, which, some of which are hangovers from when we were young and had this shopping list of unimportant things that someone had to be. And we never actually revisited that list to see how many of them were important. I heard it said recently by whom, I have no idea, that perhaps happiness is letting go of the things you thought your life was supposed to be and embracing the life that you have. And I think that can be applied to the search for a partner as well. I think a lot of unhappiness is created by holding on to things we thought we had to have and instead embracing the reality of how wonderful something or someone or a partnership that we're in is that is already in front of us.

Yeah. And I think, I think I like that fact you're saying about. I don't know what the exact quote you said is, but actually checking in through the progression, like if you're being supported, if you are still, still feeling like your partner, you have love. Because those are the things that are ultimately the. The glue, the fundamental, the thing that's going to make you feel good in a decade or that now is, does my partner have my back? Do they care about. Do we care about each other's needs? Do we like, make an effort for each other? And if there's a part where people aren't picky enough, it does more tend to be when things go on and on and they just start to think, well, I really admire this person or I'm really attached to them, but they're not checking in. Does this person have certain behaviors that are really toxic that are hurting my life? Does this person run me down or do things that make me feel, you know, just. Just make me feel bad about myself? And that's where people get into toxic scenarios because of all kinds of internal issues that stop them leaving. But that's in a way where people aren't picky enough is like, you want to be picky on those things, right? And check in throughout that those needs are actually being met.

I think something, I know something a lot of women go through is they may have been single for some time or they may have been kind of in and out of short term relationships that haven't panned out. They know they want to meet someone. It's extremely important. It may even be the most important thing in their life right now, the idea of meeting someone. But they find themselves currently with someone who maybe Steve checks some of those boxes that you've said are important, but they don't feel alive with that person. And it's, I think, a very common thing for people to, to feel that. I don't feel excited in the way that I might like. I don't feel alive with this person. But they are supportive and they are kind and they are good to me. But I just don't feel that thing that I want to feel. There was a wonderful book. The title was just a fantastic title. It was Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.

Oh yeah, I loved that book that.

Describes how so many people feel. And not necessarily because of toxicity, but because I just don't feel energized enough by this relationship. And it can be a very hard, hard thing to try to get perspective on whether we need to put energy into the relationship or whether we need to leave the relationship because it's never going to energize us in the way that we need to be happy long term. But it's a particular kind of pain when people feel that this person is lovely and I just don't seem to be feeling what I would like to feel.

And is that because they've, in a way, have they not been picky early on about that? Is that something they didn't select for early on or is that just a common thing that happens?

It's interesting you say that, Steve, because this article mentions something called progression bias, which is the idea that one of the things that gets us into relationships is the bias we have toward continue with it, continuing with it. Once we've already spent some time with a person, investing in a person. And there are a number of reasons for that. One of them is when you have shared history with someone, when you have shared moments, when you, when you've been through things together, there is a kind of narrative. There's a story that's been built up there that supports the idea of this relationship as being somehow important. It substantiates the relationship, it lends gravity to it. But there's also the very fact that once we've spent time with someone, once we've gone further down the road with them, it becomes more difficult to leave, either because we'll be heartbroken or they'll be heartbroken. Or it's just difficult to disentangle your lives, you know, the more you go down the road. And there are. There are various different ideas that this is seen as similar to. The article mentions the status quo bias, you know, the bias we have toward things the way they are. The fact that we're resistant to change if it means change, it's easier to stick with what we're doing right now. Or the sunk cost bias, which is the idea that if I've already invested time and energy into something, I need to now justify it by continuing with that path. Same thing that someone has in a casino is the thing that makes them keep gambling. I've lost $100 on this table. I need to keep gambling. I need to keep investing more money to get my hundred dollars back, especially. And if I lose a thousand dollars, I need to keep going because it's now that much more important that I. That I get a win out of this.

People in the stock market do this, Matt. It's known as a fallacy where you. You think you have to make back your loss on the same stock that you lost money on, where instead of. Instead of taking the money out and putting it somewhere better, you think, I have to win the money back on this stock.

Exactly. And that happens in relationships too. Of course, the progression bias is also likened in some way to the idea of satisficing, which is a term given to not maximizing or optimizing a situation, but instead going for good enough. It's good enough to stick with. So I'll no longer feel the need to maximize the right choice. This, what I have right now is good enough. Progression bias has both a positive effect and a darker effect, depending on the situation. The positive effect you could argue of the progression bias is that if it weren't for some kind of progression bias, we may never stick with anything. Once we have, and we've talked about this, we talk about it in our program, the Momentum texts. It's actually one of the techniques that we have is build your story with someone. Because if you know how to build your story with someone, then it's much more likely to turn into a real commitment. By the way, for anyone who wants to check that out, Momentum Texts.com is the program we talk about the idea that building your story leads to commitment. Because when you have story with someone, it's one of the things that gives meaning to a relationship. It gets us more invested, and that could be a very positive thing. Your story with someone can be the Reason that you get through hard times with them, you've invested in them, you've been through difficult times together, you've weathered storms together, you've been through certain moments in life that are important together. That can be something that makes you get through those, that turbulence in a relationship and come out the other side. So in that sense, the progression bias can be a very beautiful thing. Where the pro progression bias can get darker is if you don't leave someone who's toxic or who's treating you poorly, who's making you unhappy, anxious, sad, stressed, feel alone, isolated, because you figure, well, I've just invested so much time and energy in this person that I, I need to keep going with it. Or in the case that you're talking about, Steve, if you never give a thought to whether a relationship really has the potential to make you happy in the first place, not because someone is treating you badly, but because you aren't actually feeling anything, you're not focusing on.

The right things as it moves forward.

In the case that we're talking about, you're not focusing on the fact that there is no chemistry at the outset.

Right.

That you know that you might be getting the right things in terms of being treated well, but you're not getting any chemistry. And I don't think that while I agree that qualities like teamwork, kindness, someone being supportive, someone caring about you as a person, and caring about your happiness, while I agree those are all very important qualities for a relationship, for a romantic relationship, having some form of sexual chemistry is also essential.

Yeah, yeah.

If it's to stay an intimate relationship over the short term and not essentially become a friendship. And if we pay no attention early on to the fact that we have certain good qualities but we don't have any chemistry with this person, then we can still just carry on down the road with them for months on end to the point where now the progression bias takes over and we find it hard to extricate ourselves from a situation that actually isn't right. And the, you know, Jameson, you made this great point earlier that, that in fact just maybe make that point now in terms of how you see the idea of serial monogamists fitting into this concept of the progression bias, I had actually never heard of that bias until we were looking at that article and it just made a whole lot of sense to me of like, ah, this is why some people swing from, from one relationship right into another one because they, they immediately get invested in someone and maybe they just fall in love easily, but that little inch of Investment turns into another inch and they just keep progressing. And you can, yeah, there can definitely be a dark side to that. You can take that too far. You can easily get stuck into something and just feel like there's no way to go anywhere but forward.

Yeah, in a way there's a, in a way there's a potential advice here. For people in early dating. It's almost like be really open minded but quit early. Quit, quit, quit fast if it's not working early on. And like, don't be picky at the very beginning so you don't meet anyone. Make sure you meet lots of people. But quit early if you think there's not chemistry, if you think there's certain things that you're not feeling that you want to feel.

Yeah. And I don't think early has to be end of date one, but it doesn't. You don't have to wait till date seven.

Right.

You know, you may not always know for sure what your chemistry level is based on a conversation with someone. Sometimes people need a minute to loosen up, to, to be comfortable.

Absolutely.

To bring then authentic selves to the table. So sometimes going on a second date can be valuable. Especially when you're not sure. If you go on a date and you're 100% sure that you don't feel anything and that it truly is just. There's no, there's no match there. Okay, fine. If you're not sure, then going on a second date can't hurt. But if you're still not feeling, if there's, if there is no chemistry there, then continuing to do it because there's nothing else going on can be a dangerous thing. And to Jameson's, you know, speaking on Jameson's point, if we are really deeply afraid of being alone or if we can't stand the idea of being alone, which is kind of a hallmark of serial monogamists, we are much more likely to succumb to the, to the progression bias because the moment we have someone in our vicinity, we'll take them over anybody right now, over nothing right now, I should say. And we may convince ourselves this, I think is a really dangerous phenomenon is telling yourself what this is better than nothing for now. But I know it's not good for me for the long term, or I know I'm not going to be satisfied here in the long term, or I know that I'm not going to feel enough in the long term. But it's, you know, there's no one else right now, so let me just enjoy it and by the way, friends will say that to you. They'll be like, just enjoy it for what it is. You don't have to overthink everything or whatever. Well, the progression bias would suggest otherwise.

Yeah.

Because if you say this is just for the moment and I'm just going to enjoy it because there's no one else around right now, the danger is that by investing more time and energy in this person who you already know it doesn't feel right, you're now actually more likely to get sucked into a relationship that's not right. That's going to get more and more difficult to walk away from.

Yeah. Yeah.

There is certainly a balance to be struck between writing people off too quickly based on certain superficial factors or them not adhering to some preordained list that we have that someone has to be, and continuing with someone when we know that we're not happy because it just feels comfortable right now. It just is something that feels soothing in the short term. But ultimately that soothing feeling is going to turn into a nagging fear and anxiety and regret that we have let things come so far and we now have to find a way out.

And all the time you're doing that, you are not making room for the right person to come in.

Yeah, look, I. I think it's really interesting. I'm. I'm curious to know what our listeners think of this. Please email us your thoughts on this subject and further questions you have on this subject, things you're struggling with on. You know, maybe we've been talking and you've kind of a burning question has come up about all of this that you want to ask us.

And I'd love to hear if people feel they are too picky or not. I'd love to hear that.

Send that. Send your question or just how you feel. Have you come to any conclusions about yourself and your pickiness to podcastthewhussey.com and try and keep your email to reasonable length. You know, 100 words, 50 words, 200 words, certainly no essays, because we've then it's really difficult for us to read them out and have the time to do that. But. But tell us what you think of this, because I. I really do have a deep concern for dating today because we are living in a world where there is more choice than I think we were ever designed to be able to cope with. And the abundance of. Whether you want to call them real options or not, the abundance of perceived options is staggering. And it makes it really hard in a. In a decision where the Stakes already feel so high to know if we are making the right choices. I have really come to believe that what makes things special in life is the meaning we give them, the way that we shape them and what we invest in them. Not simply special being presented to us on a platter. Now, I do think that the person we come across in life that is going to make us happy has to be our version of special, or a version of special that really appeals to us. But the idea that we are going to objectively optimize to the point where the decision is just made for us by fate or feeling or destiny or whatever you want to call it is a really, really destructive notion because it removes agency from us as people. Agency is in decision making, whether it's a person or a career or a place you want to live. Agency is saying, I have a role to play in choosing something and making it spectacular. My job is not to travel the world. And then when I just feel this is the place I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life, I settle there. Removes any agency from us, and it's making a decision. I think this is a very missed point in so many things, and I'm not the first one to say it, but making a decision, exercising that agency is something that imbues a situation with meaning. That you chose that thing, that career, that place to live that person, and then decided to go all in on it. There's beauty in that. That is the thing that imbues it with so much meaning. But so many people go through life waiting for life to give them meaning. I need to find the career that gives me purpose. I need to find the place to live. That just speaks to me. That is. That is my place that makes me feel good. I need to find the person that gives my life meaning. But that's to be a kind of a victim to meaning instead of choosing meaning. And what could be more meaningful in a world where we could have so many potential partners? What could be more meaningful than saying, I'm choosing to build a story with this person. This is the story I choose. And I think that all the investment that comes afterwards, all of the commitment that comes afterwards, comes as a result of deciding that you're going to make that story really important? That commitment is the inevitable result of deciding the meaning of a story as opposed to the result of something coming to you. Preordained life doesn't, unfortunately, I just don't think life gets to be that simple. You can be so many different things in life. You could be a fisherman, you could be an accountant, you could be a lawyer, you could be a speaker, you could be a writer. You could be so many different things. I don't think life gets to be as simple as something just chooses you. We go through life and we exercise agency. And the search for a partner is no different. At a certain point we stop. And it's not that we stop and we say, it's not that we stop on somebody and we say, this is good enough. It's that we stop on somebody and we say, I'm going to make this great. We're very powerful and we have the ability to make things great in life. We all have our own magic. We all have our own ability to make things great. But we have to exercise that ability. It doesn't mean that it can be with anyone. We still have to find someone who has a similar attitude towards making a relationship great or will be the one doing all the work. And that doesn't work. We still need to find someone with whom we have some chemistry. Does need to be the greatest chemistry of all time for someone you have chemistry that makes it a romantic relationship or you have a friendship. And it still needs to be someone who has an outlook on life or values that synergize with your own. Doesn't have to be all the same, but they have to be able to be compatible with your own. But the pool of people that that describes is far greater than the scarcity that people imagine is the case when they think of trying to find their ideal partner. And I actually fundamentally believe that when we develop a healthy relationship with ourselves and our own flaws, and when we find ourselves ready for a real relationship, more people become right. Because I do think that when we constantly applaud, almost applaud the fact that I'm just too picky. I'm just. My problem is I'm too picky. It's kind of. If we're not careful, it becomes another way of saying, I'm kind of a judgmental asshole. And it's done under the righteous label of I'm too picky. And I think that we've all been through those phases where we're incredibly judgmental of people and everyone feels wrong for us because we're so judgmental. Yeah, everyone loves saying, you know, when you raise your standards in life and when you grow and when you read and when you do self development and when you do all of these things, it. Your pool of people shrinks. And it's hard to meet someone who's on your level. That's a really easy thing to say. I've even said that in the past. But I think it's a bit of a cop out because I actually think the more open you become as a human being, the more you accept yourself and your own flaws and your own history and your own weaknesses and don't see certain things with shame and disgust. When you aren't disgusted by yourself and the things that you've done or you are, then you start looking at other people with less disgust, with less contempt, with more openness, with more love. You start actually seeing more good in other people. When you accept yourself more, it's hard not to accept other people more. And so when we become really ready, more people become right.

Matt, would you like us to read one of our lovely itunes reviews from our Apple podcast listeners?

I'd bloody love that Steve.

So this is from devanit7 who says, I saw clips of love life with Matthew Hussey on TikTok. Well, that TikTok. That TikTok works. Paying off for us then.

And I wasn't dancing, Steve.

No, no, not yet.

One of the one of the few people on TikTok not dancing.

That's true, she says. What Matthew was saying instantly piqued my interest and I started listening to the actual podcast a few months ago. There has been so much helpful, inspiring and captivating information that has truly helped me grow as a person and I feel like I'm ready for what I am looking for. I listen to why people disappear when you show interest three times and I definitely recommend it. Especially if you are in a place where men or women are constantly disappearing in your life or even if you're in a different place when it comes to love, there's something that might help you grow as a person or in your relationships. I look forward to hearing Matthew and Steven give advice every week and I thank them for everything they have taught me. Well, thank you so much Devonit7 and it's everyone listening, you know, leaving lovely itunes reviews. We read all of them and all your emails so it really, really means the world. Thank you very much.

It does. Thank you so much everybody. If you do want to leave us a review, please go to itunes. It does help spread the message about the podcast to other people. If you're listening and it's helping you, then it is likely to help other people in your situation as well. So help us please tell more people about it. I also want to let everyone know the things that I was speaking about in terms of self acceptance and how that changes the way that we approach our love lives. It changes the way that we approach other people is a real muscle that we can work on. If you have struggled in your life to love yourself, if, my God, if you've struggled to like yourself, if the idea of loving yourself isn't even on your radar because you're struggling to like yourself in general, if you continuously beat yourself up over things that you do wrong or things you say wrong, or mistakes you believe you've made in your past that to this day you regret and you continuously castigate yourself for, these are things that will affect everything in your life. Because our relationship with ourself shapes everything. It shapes our happiness, our sense of peace, how we approach life in general, our confidence, our personal power at work in love. If you want to learn how to build that self acceptance and self love muscle, that is the deep work that I do with people on my virtual retreat. It's three days of coaching immersion and this is a very timely announcement because it is coming up very, very soon in March from the 18th to the 20th. If you have not booked your call yet to talk to one of my team, please go and do that now. They'll tell you all about the program. They'll talk to you about your goals, what you're trying to achieve right now, what's holding you back, and they'll help you understand how the program could help. I hope to see you there. Please go to mhvirtualretreat.com to learn more. Find out all about the program. And I sincerely hope that we get to spend three whole days of coaching together from the 18th to the 20th of March.