Toxic Codependency or Healthy Closeness? How to Tell the Difference | Rewind

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Connection at any cost, chemistry at any cost, closeness at any cost. That to me is when codependency becomes very, very dark and dangerous. what's up, guys? It's Matthew. Welcome back to the love life podcast. Fun short clip for you right now on co-dependence I think you're really going to enjoy this. And I just want to make sure everybody has gone to check out the new website. How to get the guide.com is the website. And the nice thing is there is a free tool over there where you can put in your love life issue right now and it will recommend you the best program for for where you're at. That is at how to get the guy.com. enjoy the episode. We develop these, whatever we want to call them, dependencies, reliances on each other. And that's organic. That's actually natural. You know, I. Absolutely. Yeah. I rely on the, my team in my company to be able to do all of the things that I do, and, and I do depend. on them. And the same is true in a relationship. We agree different roles and responsibilities and things we need from each other and expectations, and we depend on each other to uphold those agreements. And we do come to depend on each other for a certain kind of connection that by definition, if we're in a monogamous relationship, we're not giving to anyone else and not getting from anyone else. So by the very nature of the fact that, you know, I always think that that's the funny thing about romantic relationships. It's easy not to be as needy with our friends because if my friend isn't giving me attention, I just go and get it from a different friend. You know, the romantic relationships, if we're in a monogamous relationship and we're faithful, we don't have that option. So if you look at that, that puts us in a position of dependence if we're choosing to stay in that relationship. I do depend on you for sexual connection. I do depend on you for that romantic and emotional connection. Hopefully it's not my only emotional connection that that's a problem. But there are so many that are limited to our relationship that are between us and that creates kind of high stakes But I think that phrase is really interesting, peace at any price, because that to me refers to the dark side of dependency, where there's nothing wrong with two people being incredibly close, but When that closeness is becoming, what do I want to say? When there's so much toxicity in the relationship that people are afraid to let go of because they will try to achieve that closeness at any cost. You could say peace at any cost, you could also say connection at any cost, chemistry at any cost, closeness at any cost. That to me is, is when codependency becomes very, very dark and dangerous. And it takes two people. You can't have, you know, I often think of codependency as my sickness enabling your sickness. So if you have a really destructive pattern, then, you know, if, for example, you're the kind of person that is incredibly selfish and and just does whatever you want to do, doesn't consult other people, doesn't involve them in the decision-making process. You always do what you want to do and tend to steamroll the person that you're with in the process. Well, that kind of person isn't going to survive with someone who has a lot of self-respect and clear boundaries and who upholds their own needs. They're not going to survive with that person. It's not going to last. In order for that person to exist in the way that they are, they need to find someone with their own kind of sickness. They need to find someone who has their own thing going on. I now need to be with someone who is so craving connection at any cost, who so wants perhaps what they didn't have growing up, that will do, and has that cocktail of that plus, worrying that they're not enough. And now you have someone who will put up with the selfishness of the other person because of their insecurity, plus their desire to be close to someone and to feel love at any cost. Now you have two people who are both in their own way unwell, who become codependent. The selfish person needs the person that's willing to be walked all over, and the person being walked all over needs an incredible amount of love for somebody else plus their insecurity in order for this poorly functioning relationship to exist. Look, here's the thing. When I was just describing that codependent relationship where one person is really selfish and the other person lets them get away with it because they really want to be in a relationship with that person, picture yourself for a moment being in the position of the person who is putting up with things that you shouldn't be putting up with. And then ask yourself, why does this happen to me? Why in the past or maybe even in the present have I put up with the wrong behavior? That if I step back, I can see that it's the wrong behavior, but I still can't find the strength to do anything about it. Why is it that that happens? Well, let me tell you, it happens as a result of three different things that exist simultaneously. Number one, a desire for love. When we desperately want to fall in love, because frankly, we have goals that revolve around being in love, whether it's sharing our life with someone, we feel like we've created this great life, now we want to share it with someone and enjoy it. Whether it's being married or having a family, a future with somebody, there is a desire for love. And it is not a small desire. It's not like I want to sandwich Jameson. It's a real desire that is intrinsic to us as human beings. We want connection. It's how we're built. And a romantic connection is the pinnacle, isn't it, of that kind of unbelievable experience we can feel in being connected to another person. So there's the desire element, I want this. Then there's the scarcity mindset. This thing I want is incredibly rare. I rarely if ever have chemistry with a person. Maybe for some of us, I haven't even been on a date in a long time. Or before I met this person, nothing was going on in my love life. I find it so hard to meet and connect with someone that I actually like who likes me back. So the fact that I've got this thing, even if it's not quite right, even if it's making me suffer on unhappy, if I lost it, when would I find it again? So now you have huge desire for that thing with massive scarcity around that thing. And then the third component is my relationship with myself and what I am worth. If I don't think that I'm worthy of better treatment than this, if this is my level, either because it's what I grew up with and I'm trying to get closure on some parenting situation that I suffered as a child, or whether it's because my confidence has been knocked over and over again and people have told me that I'm not good enough, people have told me I'm not attractive enough, people have constantly left me, then I've gotten to a point in my life where I've been indoctrinated with the idea that I don't deserve more. And so now what you have is a cocktail of three different ingredients. I really want love, love's really hard to find, and I'm not worthy of the best kind of love. If I ask for more, I'm gonna lose someone because I'm not good enough unless I'm accepting bad treatment. This gives us the recipe for staying in something we shouldn't stay in, for becoming attracted to someone we shouldn't be attracted to, for throwing away time and energy in situations that will ultimately never nourish us, never meet our needs, never make us happy. The whole reason that I created a retreat 15 years ago now was because I knew that dating advice was not gonna cut it when it came to the deeper reasons that we go down the wrong path in our love life. I can give people things to say, I can give people things to do, I can give them dating strategies, but if ultimately those aren't underpinned by a true sense of knowing our worth, believing that we do have options, and being willing to wait for the right kind of connection instead of settling for any kind of connection, we will always find ourselves in trouble. Thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed that episode. Feel free to leave us a review on iTunes, And like I said, if you want to come and transform your life with me for six days in Florida between the 30th of May and the 5th of June, come to mHretreat.com and check out the in-person retreat program. It's one thing to notice red flags. It's another thing to have the confidence to act on them. The retreat is about building that kind of confidence. And even if you can't come to the retreat, Come join us on our new website. A lot of you have not seen the new website. It's really beautiful. We worked really hard on it. It's howtgetttheguy.com if you haven't been there in a while. And the cool thing is on the homepage of the website, there is now a tool where you can put in the thing you are struggling with in your love life right now and it will recommend the best path out of my content for you where you are right now. That's how to get the guy .com. all right, I will see you next time, guys. Thank you so much, as always, for listening.

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