Two Questions You Can Ask To Test The Health Of Your Relationship | Rewind

Even if it's just an evening, it could be something small. But what's the thing we're looking forward to right now because we work very hard and it's so easy to just ignore that foreign. It's Matthew Hussey with the Love Life podcast. Thank you so much for being here. I think you're going to enjoy this clip. It's a classic from the archives. Check it out. And don't forget, if you can leave us a review on itunes, it would mean the world. It helps us spread the word about this podcast. All right, let's get into the episode.

So, Matt, I was looking at this article because I thought it was really, really interesting. The idea, something people don't really talk about, an idea of how having a checkup, really good questions you can ask your partner that actually diagnose the health, the status of your relationship. I think there's an idea that relationships just work and if everything's right, if everything's aligned between you, it should just naturally work on autopilot. But the case made in this article is that couples can get stuck. And because of the last two years, a lot of couples have been stuck in isolated survival mode where their relationships are just about managing household tasks. They've forgotten how to have fun, they've forgotten about spontaneous interactions, these sorts of things. So this is a way to check in with your partner and see if you've got stuck in old routines and where there's, like, troubleshooting or where everything's going great. Maybe you'll ask these questions ago. Oh, this is awesome. Look at all the things we appreciate about each other.

Very good. All right, I'm excited about these. They're either going to be a wake up call or very validating about how great my love life is.

Okay, so what do you think of this one, Matt? Question one is, what do we like to do together for fun?

So hang on, is this. Are you asking me to answer this? Is this like it might be put through a test here? Or is it. Are you asking me to say whether this is a good question to ask people?

This, this question talks about how it encourages couples to take out a calendar, look at the past week or month and ask how many minutes did we spend actually doing something fun or pleasurable together?

I really like this question because we spend our lives on autopilot, going from, you know, business meetings to obligations to chores, and it's so easy not to. You know, we've spoken about this, haven't we? We're like, what's coming up that we're looking forward to. Like, what have we got planned that we're excited about or looking forward to? It doesn't have to be. I'm not talking about like a week long vacation somewhere, but just, even if it's just an evening or something, it can be something small. But just what's the thing we're looking forward to right now? Because we work very hard and it's so easy to just ignore that. And so I, I really believe in, in this question. How much quality time are you actually getting doing something fun together? That's good.

I know we've spoken a lot because we're both big fans of Esther Perel's work and all the things that we always say with long term relationships especially, it's important to get that kind of time apart from your partner because desire can grow in those moments that you're apart. But yeah, I mean, it's so easy to just forget that, like you still have to have fun together because so much of life can just happen and it's like you find yourself just, well, we share meals together and we watch TV together, but then you just lose, like there's everything you can do in the world still out there.

Yeah. And one of the things Esther talks about that I really love is just that we, we take our most charming, charismatic, energetic selves and we give all of that to everything else in our day and then leave the scraps for this person that we're with. And it's, that's, you know, that's okay. That's normal in a life where we do have to go and work hard and there are going to be days where that's true. But if it's true for too many days in a row, then it becomes, it becomes disrespectful to your partner that everyone and everything else gets your best energy and not them. So I, I like that and I think people shouldn't overthink what that means. We went on a hike, didn't we? We were like, we need to do some exercise. And we just went on a hike in one of these hikes in la and it was, you know, we both kind of were on our way down from the hike and we were like, that was quality time. We were doing something active. It wasn't even like we just sat there talking to each other like we were still doing something else. We were getting exercise, we were out in nature. It ticked a lot of boxes, but we actually talked and we weren't looking at our phones on the hike. And that made it quality time. It made it fun. Not like. I think the idea of fun has to be that we're, like, zipping around doing something exciting. No, we would. We were just doing a hike. But it was its own form of fun and quality time.

And to piggyback off that point, what I like about it is that it forces you to look at areas where you can turn the mundane into the fun. So you can say, what do we like to do together that's fun? Well, we always used to really enjoy having dinner together and watching a series, and now it's become something that we do on autopilot, and we don't feel connected to when we do it. So I think this question forces you to reconnect to the areas where you can inject the fun and actually change the intention when you're doing very, as you say, you know, ordinary things.

That's so good. And I would just say one. I would just remind it as you're talking about the hike. The consistency is, like, so crucial. One of the most heartening things I've seen recently is I just went back to Sacramento for a few days to see my family, and my parents have been so consistent with every single morning taking, like, a walk together. And. And they're like wedding anniversaries. I think it's their 45th wedding anniversary is coming up. But they've never. I've never actually seen them so close because they consistently do it. And sometimes, like, we need the exercise. Your mom's on me because she's, like, looking after my health. But the consistency is really. Is really huge.

I love that we do that with coffee. Yeah, we have coffee together every morning.

I'll say this. Going on a hike, for those of you that are dating and not in a serious relationship, I actually think is a great date because it is just one of those active things that allows you to kind of focus outwardly while also having quality time together.

Also, be careful the kind of hike. Make sure it's not too tough and you're not kind of unable to skip.

Yeah.

Like skidding around everywhere and the dust, like, choking.

You choose the hike. You choose a hike that suits your level.

Pick a sexy hike.

All right, next question.

Okay, so question two. Who takes out the garbage now? So some of these questions are in light of the pandemic, and it talks about how the pandemic shook up heterosexual couples and how they're dividing tours. Some data suggests there's more egalitarianism in the home after the pandemic. Some suggest that lockdown is exacerbated existing gender disparities. But Galena Rhodes, a psychologist, says, setting aside a time, a specific time to talk about the subject of who does what and what roles you want to have going forward, plan for it like you would for a business meeting. Know what you want to talk about, and be as explicit as possible about who's going to do what. What do you think of this?

Hmm. Well, I don't have any problem, in theory, with the idea of two people coming together to decide who does what, you know, and you can divide it according to, well, I actually don't mind doing the dishes, so I'll do the dishes. I actually don't mind doing the washing. I'll do the washing. I actually don't mind taking the bins out. I'll do that. Or just. We both don't like this. Okay, well. Will take turns or whatever. I don't. I think that's a responsible thing to do, especially if you're living with someone, because the arguments and the resentment starts when it feels like there's an uneven distribution of responsibilities, or one person is doing all of the things and one person is just enjoying all of the things being done. I do think that what we have to be careful of is planning for a sort of special meeting where we're going to air all of our grievances about the way things have been going. Because sometimes it's easy to kind of then just defer all of our grievances until that meeting and not be honest in the moment when something upsets us. There's Lee Cockerel, who used to be the. He was a vice president of the parks at Disney, I think he was, but he was at that level. He was managing thousands upon thousands of people. And he said, I don't believe in employee reviews happening once a year, because then you're not actually telling people in the moment what you think. You're saving everything until halfway through the year when all of a sudden you're going to have all of these honest conversations. The reviews should be kind of an ongoing thing. It should be. You did something I didn't like today. Let me reset an expectation. Let me be honest with you about that, so that we're constantly adjusting course along the way. So I don't have a problem with delineating what. Who does what. But I think if something's bothering us, saving it for some time when we're going to have a meeting like that is a very easy way to defer honesty. All right, everyone, that's it for today. But before you go, I have some important news. Our next live retreat dates are set for from the 9th to the 15th of October this year is taking place in Fort Lauderdale on the beach. We're going to be spending six days together diving deep on your biggest life challenges, whether they're to do with your confidence, your relationships, or just past trauma that you know is still getting in the way of you creating the life you want or experiencing the kind of happiness and peace you want to experience. If you want to join us, go to mhretreat.com to apply right now. This is going to be an incredible event, and we hope to see you there. Thanks for listening, as always, and I'll speak to you in the next episode of Love Life. Sam.