Underrated Skills Everyone Should Learn To Be A Better Partner

Welcome, everybody, to another episode of the love life podcast with me, Matthew Hussey, my brother Stephen Hussie.

Hello, here we go.

And I'm just excited 'cause I got to introduce it today. Normally it's Stephen who gets to do that. Just happy to be in the driving seat for the first few seconds. Steve, what are we talking about today on the podcast?

I wanna talk about underrated qualities in relationships. This is based on an article I wrote a while back, Matt, that was very popular, if I may say so, on the site. And, you know, what I was thinking here is we've all been told the important stuff that helps your relationship work in the long run. You know, everyone knows you need kindness and empathy, you need respect, you know, you need to give each other respect. Very important. You need clear communication. You need to be compassionate with your partner's needs. But there's also like little, little like what might call like minor skills that are kind of important, but people don't really, I think people don't vocalize or realize they're important. There's probably a bunch of these and maybe you've got some. But here's one, here's one I wanted to bring to mind because we've talked about this before. The idea of being able to be on your own at a party.

Okay.

Just the act of, you know, obviously couples spend loads of time together, maybe even all their time. But like, if you go out together and go somewhere, there's always, you know, when you first start dating someone, what I find is there's always this moment when you're gonna take them into a crowd of people and you're gonna have, you've done all your time in your little bubble of love together and you decide, hey, we should probably go and like, you know, actually interact with the rest of the world now. And you take them to a party or some event and there's such a wonderful moment if you see that they just hold their own in that event and they go and socialize and they're kind of independent in a way that makes you kind of beam with pride watching them be like, you know, charming in the room. And, you know, obviously you want them to also show they're with you and, hey, I'm proud with this person. And, you know, we've got that, you know, we're showing each other off sort of thing, but there's that kind, I feel like it's a perfect simulacrum, if you will, of the idea of like dependence and independence together in the same thing of like, ah, I can rest, breathe easy because they can handle themselves in this environment as well without, you know, just needing me there.

Well, I think that the competence that's needed for that is the ability to hold your own in conversation, make conversation with someone nearby, be comfortable just chilling in a room. But the deeper reason for that is that you're good at paying attention to your partner's needs, that you can go in a room and recognize the moment when your partner needs help and needs you to be by their side because they're a little nervous. Moments when they need saving from a conversation and moments where they need to be left to a conversation. And where the best gift you could give them in that moment is to make yourself busy. That to me is another way of paying attention. Not what do I need to feel comfortable right now in this room, but what does my partner need right now to have the best time? And then, of course, the ability to be on your own and not have a babysitter is really handy when you recognize that your partner happens to be all right at the moment and in a, you know, conversation or a story or whatever that doesn't need us. Or sometimes, like, is having a conversation with a friend that they're catching up with where they actually could use a few minutes of space.

Yeah, and it can be like a beautiful unspoken gift. And in some ways it's like that is the, it seems small, but it's like that is the stuff of relationships, right, that makes them work. It's like when, you know, the Chris Rock special that's called Tambourine and the whole, you know, crux of that one point rests on this story he tells of that he wanted to you know, at one point in his marriage before he divorced, it was like he thought, well, I make all the money and I'm like the, you know, I'm the alpha in this and it's about me and I'm the star sort of thing. And he realized that would that just doesn't work. And you you have to at some point you have to play the tambourine at some point for someone else. And the tambourine being the person who sometimes is in the back just doing their thing and cheering the other on or supporting the other main act. And it's, yeah, it's like sometimes you just have to, like you say, it's just like they're doing their thing now and the best thing I can do is do my thing over here or just support and listen to them 'cause they're the star right now or, you know, whatever. But I feel like those acts are the moment where you think, ah, I've got someone I can, I can, this works now because if you're with someone who is, you might be with someone you're super attracted to, who is this, like, they're charismatic, they're big, they're larger in life or whatever, but, and you might be super, you know, you might find them really impressive, but if you then start to feel like, well, this, you know, that's all this dynamic is it, it does then start to ebb away at well, yeah, they are like this shining star, but it's also kind of not compatible. Like, it's like, you know, that doesn't work for two people if you both want to kind of have your role in the relationship.

Yes. Well, that's the reason some relationships last is just because one person's not willing to ever give up the limelight and the other person's willing to always play second fiddle. It doesn't mean it's a happy relationship. It's just one where they, coexist and they can both benefit from the mutations in each other. What's your other underrated qualities, Steve? I'm curious.

Oh, okay. So one was just the ability to take care of something with no, like, you just take care. of something like booking the tickets, making the whole dinner plan, sorting out the ride home and everything. And just like that act of like, I have done all this to make everything smooth and easy. And there's different times where you need the other person to like just take the reins on that and like, can you just go and be the head of this this plan, this evening, this whatever. I think it's like amazing gift you can give to someone and not just like a man or woman thing. I think both, you know, if you can both play that role at different times, I think that's the kind of support that keeps a relationship going.

I think that it's very sexy when someone can make a decision. It's very sexy when someone can make a plan. And sometimes we obsess over whether we're making the right plan and we forget that that's not the point. The point isn't that you make the perfect plan. The point is that just having a plan is sexy. I honestly think that's one of the big things, the big areas where we trip each other up, is we want to say to our partner, well, what do you want to eat? Or where would you like to go this weekend? Or what would you like to do? And the truth is, what they'd like more than anything is to not have to think. What they'd like more than anything is just do it. Just take care of it. Don't even, you know, just make the plan. The plan is the thing. The plan is the asset, not what the plan is. And I think people forget that a lot. That's the sexy part. The sexy part is the leadership. It's not the destination.

If you just text someone, you know, who, you know, you're with, and it's like, I booked us in for the most delicious dim sum on Saturday. It's like, you don't ask, do you want dim sum even? It just might be like, I booked the most delicious dim sum, then there's.

Something fun after we're gonna go to. Yeah. It's like, oh, and sometimes that's how- like a little, a little tip is like, if you're, if you've booked this thing to do this or whatever, it's like a couple of days, and then you say to someone, okay, I've booked an Italian and I've booked a Chinese. All you have to do is pick which one you fancy more, but both are taken care of. All you need to do is decide which one you're more excited about. Like, that can be fun because you're bringing them into an element of it, but you've already booked both. You've taken care of both. Now it's just like, which one speaks to you more? Italian? Done. We've got Italian at eight o'clock tonight. It's already done, you know, so you can. You can bring elements of like involving someone in bits of the plan, but that's different from saying to even that's decisive. Like, all right, we've got this or this. You tell me which one made you smile just now. Which one made you like, did you have a reaction to? That's different from saying to someone, what should we do? What do you think? Which by the way, isn't to say that in a relationship you always have to be deciding all the time. It's just nice if Not every time is this blank slate where someone else is expected to have all the inspiration.

Yeah, because everything becomes labor then. Every plan, everything you want to do becomes a bigger labor right between you. It's like, yeah, take the reins, grab it, do it. Exactly. We'll both have fun. I'll give you one final one. this, I think, is, is underrated. That's something you can do quite easily, is learn about your partner's favorite things. Like, even if you watch the movies they love with them, read their favorite books, figure out the things they really like spending time doing and, you know, try it with them. Like, just, you know, your partner has a whole web of in their head of something that is part of their identity, and it might be a big part of it. And you might just think, oh, they talked about that. They've read that, or they. There's that thing they go to. Like, I want to check. I'm gonna check it out. I'm gonna, like, you don't have to, like, be a part of each other's Hobbies, because it's nice to, like, have your own stuff, but it's fun if someone can sometimes not just be closed from that whole world and can just be like, you know, I'm gonna take an interest. I'm gonna, like. dip into that with you?

Well, we made a video back, I think this was the video we used the Back to the Future car for, where one of the points was, does, can he scuba dive? And that point related to this idea that can someone, you know, when, if, for example, you like dancing and they don't, but they're prepared once in a while to come and entertain that thing you love. and go be outside of their element, but in your element, that's scuba diving. Because being underwater is not your natural habitat. You're not used to breathing underwater, but you can strap on the scuba gear and go be underwater for a night, you know, doing something that they love. It's not that you have to make it your hobby. You don't have to make it your passion, but you can show that you can exist there for a little bit of time to show them that you love them and that you're willing to do something that they really love with them.

Yeah, yeah.

Or scuba dive once in a while. You don't have to live underwater, but be prepared to scuba dive once in a while.

Yeah, yeah. Good analogy, I like that. Final one, Matt. I mean, I don't even need to explain this, but just massage. Just give each other massages. I mean, it's easy to do, it's generous.

Can I contend that point and say it's not easy to do? If it were easy to do, Steve, I've had some awful massages.

Oh, no. Actually, I will maintain I've had some bad, I've had a couple of bad ones. Yeah, you're actually right on that. I've had some bad ones.

Learn.

Learn.

Definitely learn that skill.

You'Re never not gonna have that skill is always going to be useful. Again, man or woman, I'm not saying like, oh, you got to massage your man or anything like that. Just massage should be a skill people have.

Some people are not tactile, though, Steve.

Right.

So if you're with a tactile person, massage.

And if not, massage their Brain with beautiful honeyed words. Right. Poetry.

Luckily, Steve, someone can expect both from you.

Thanks very much. I got plenty of poetry to read from and most of it is not mine. So there you go. Well, I think we'll call it there because you know what's also underrated, keeping things tight. So we're gonna We're going to call it there, but thank you so much. And as usual, we love to hear from you because Matt is ever so needy for people's feedback. And you know what? So am I, because I love reading your emails. So send us in podcast@matthewhussy.com what you think is underrated in a relationship. What's an underrated skill or trait that someone can have that you really love?

Podcast@matthewhussy.com Thanks for another great podcast, Stephen. I look forward to the next one.

All right, everyone, subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, Stitcher, Love Life podcast, and we will see you real soon. Bye-bye.

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