Want a Deeper Connection? Let Down Your Guard | Rewind

You know what happens at the end of an argument? One person comes over and like strokes your finger and it's like, that was an act of peace. Mmm. A couple of weeks ago, we made a video about a concept I call weapons versus wounds. A lot of relationships end not because someone couldn't handle our wounds, but because they couldn't deal with our weapons. Well, I was just on a members call with my Love Life Members Club, and one of my members asked me a question that specifically pertained to the content in this video. Hi Matt, I loved your video on weapons we use to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, my favorite weapon is passive aggressive behavior. I'm not proud of this and I want to learn how to communicate my vulnerabilities without feeling scared that the other person will abuse that. What would your advice be around communicating vulnerability while still protecting myself somewhat? the first step, Jessica, is to understand that this isn't working for you. Look at the pattern of your passive aggression and look at where it hasn't been working. What does it typically lead to? Ah, it leads to an escalation in the argument. An escalation in the argument leads to even worse things being said. We now both say things we regret. We now both end up in tears. We both end up hating each other, angry, two days of silent treatment. And then look at the pattern of what brings you back together. I bet you the pattern of what brings you back together is a moment where one of you makes some kind of a, it brings a different tone. You know what happens at the end of an argument? One person comes over and, you know, rests their hand on someone's knee. And that person goes, Hmm, it's like, someone, Hmm, they're trying a little bit. Like there's a softening. 'Cause you're like, that person has just done a little act of peace. You know, it's like when you're fighting with someone and someone just reaches out their hand and like, strokes your finger. And it's like, that was an act of peace. And then you do, you like, your finger grabs a finger. You don't want to show too much, right? You don't want to concede too much, but your finger grabs a finger. and then someone says, Look. And then that tone is different from the tone before. Ah, an act of peace. So you get this spiraling in a different direction, a spiraling de-escalation. And what that usually culminates in is one person saying, I said that because I was really hurt when you said. And all of a sudden what happens is an actual wound comes to the surface. the weapon goes down and the wound comes up. And that person sees, oh, you were hurt by this. And me being hurt is a lot less offensive to you than me accusing you of something or me telling you what a piece of shit you are. You know, that me being hurt doesn't offend you. It's about me. And so, if Jessica, you look at the pattern of everything that's always brought pain in your arguments and you look at the pattern of everything that's brought you closer to someone, I'll bet you pain always comes from passive aggression and being closer always comes from revealing the wound. Understanding that alone, that kind of awareness is, will immediately have you opting for a different strategy at the outset because you go, I know I want to be emotionally, I know I want to be passive aggressive because I want to I wanna have this attention that I'm looking for right now. I want attention to my wound, but I want it in a way that feels safe to me. And me being passive aggressive allows me to hold onto my power. And having a wound feels like I'm giving up power. So the first step is knowing this always goes one way when I bring out my weapon. I'm not gonna do that. But how do you overcome the fear of being more vulnerable in that moment of actually revealing that you're hurt, of revealing that you have an insecurity? I would argue that there's a logical response to that. The logical response is you want an amazing relationship, don't you? I mean, there's an emotional component to that too. Like what you desire is an amazing relationship. And an amazing relationship is one where someone can hold space for your insecurity. Someone can hold space for your vulnerability, for your wounds. So when they hear them, the wrong relationship will be one where someone gets hold of your wounds, your insecurities, your weaknesses, and then uses them against you. They turn your wounds into weapons to use on you. That's the sign of a bad relationship. The sign of a great relationship is one where someone can hold your wounds and it's not their job to fix them for you, but to support you in fixing them and supporting you in fixing your own healing your own wounds, is being a kind energy, being someone who's there for you, being someone who doesn't mock you or make you feel embarrassed or less than or judged for your wounds, for your insecurities. So in a sense, emotionally, you want an amazing relationship. Practically, how do you find out if you've got an amazing relationship? You have to reveal wounds. You have to actually show more of yourself and see how someone responds to that. And of course, that's not just how you see if you have an amazing relationship, but it's how you build one. Because someone doesn't have the chance to be that energy for you if you never give it to them. They can only show you that they're capable of that if you give them an opportunity to. And our partner, especially the right one, deserves more from us than having that opportunity only at the end of having been eviscerated by your passive aggression and having a day or two or a week of turmoil in order to get to that point of being able to provide that energy for you. Before you go, I wanted to let you know that we have a program that is great for anyone in early dating right now who wants to make sure they don't keep ending up in casual situations but gets into a relationship that actually goes somewhere. It's called the Momentum Texts. It's ridiculously practical and you can get it for $7 over at momentumtexts.com.