Want Them To Open Up? Use These Words… | Rewind

And what guy doesn't want to feel sexy? If I can relate sexy to vulnerability for you, then I'm going to make vulnerability much easier for you.

What's up, guys? Matthew here. Have you ever been really close to someone but you feel like they don't open up to you? In this clip, I share a technique that you can use to help someone else get more vulnerable and show more of their inner self to you in conversation. Check it out.

Use a technique called pre framing. If you wanted to have someone take you to see a movie, pre framing would be. This is a very simple example. But pre framing would be saying to someone, I just love when someone offers to take me to the movies because movies are my, like, joy. That's my. That's my home. That's my place that I go to feel happy. Now someone knows, okay, if I want to take you to a happy place, I need to ask you to see a movie. Right? Very simple example. But let's now take it into the world of vulnerability. You can pre frame by letting a guy know that when either people in general open up, you find it incredibly attractive. Or even more specifically, when men feel like they can. When men are brave enough or confident enough to talk about their feelings or to talk about an insecurity or an area they're feeling weak, you find that to be incredibly attractive. When you say, when men feel brave enough and confident enough and notice that language, you're framing it in terms that he wants to see himself as. He wants to see himself as brave. He wants to see himself as confident. So you're now framing up vulnerability as brave and creative confident. When men are confident enough to be honest about a vulnerability, they have an ins. You don't even need to use the word vulnerability. When they're brave enough to show they're insecure about something and to just be open about that, I think that is one of the most courageous things in the world. Like, to me, that's even sexy. You know, that's actually a sexy thing when a guy can do that, because guys don't do that. Now you're even adding the word sexy, right? And what guy doesn't want to feel sexy? If I can relate sexy to vulnerability for you, then I'm going to make vulnerability much easier for you. And by the way, this has to be real. Like, this is. This is the part that, you know, some people listening to this will be saying, oh, but I don't want to manipulate someone. It's not a negative form of manipulation. If it's true. If it's authentic. But it has to be true for you ladies. You have to get there first. You have to actually believe that it is attractive for a guy to do that. And I'll deal with that, the psychology of that in a moment. Of course, men, if you're making space for other guys to do this, you're not going to necessarily say, I find it sexy when you do that. Unless you do find it sexy when another guy does that. But you're not going to say that. You're simply going to make space by saying when men can do that, like when us guys can do that. That's true confidence, that's true courage. The second technique is simply to reverse the time period of this so that you're not future projecting it and pre framing it in that way, but you're actually past referencing. You reference a moment where he has done it in the past. I love when you open up to me. That to me is one of the most attractive parts of you. I actually find it sexy. You know, I remember when you opened up to me about very specific. Insert very specific situation here. That moment when you felt insecure about this and you told me about that, that was. That made me feel so close to you. That made me feel so connected to you. That's like a reminder that you're my man. Because I get let into a world that other people don't like. That's so attractive to me. Like that's what makes you my man, is that I get to know those things about you. I just find that I found that such an attractive moment. Now you're past referencing something that's already happened and using that as a way to create more of it in the future. Now technique number three is about the energy that you bring when someone does tell you something that breaks the rhythm of the depth they normally operate at. Maybe just a moment of frustration where they feel like they're not heard and then finally they say something that they haven't said before. It's really important in those moments the level of calm that you bring to the situation. In coaching, I've been coaching now for 13 years. One of the most important things I've learned is that when someone comes with emotion to strike the right balance between being very much present with them in that moment, in that emotion being absolutely there, but not firstly not showing fear. Fear is a, is a. Is a dangerous thing to bring to someone in that moment. Because I'm not now I'm not creating a safe environment for you to be vulnerable. I'm showing that now. This is. Oh, my God. I didn't. That scares me that you feel that way. That scares me that you're dealing with that now. Someone doesn't feel safe to do that because they can't trust that you can handle their truth, if you want to call it that, of their emotion, what's going on in their mind. They can't trust that you're strong enough to hold that space. And imagine if someone was in an event with me, one of my audience stood up and began crying, and immediately I showed that I was startled by that and didn't quite know how to handle it, that the confidence of that audience in me would be lost. They now wouldn't be able to trust that I can safely hold this space for their vulnerability. So now they're far less likely as an audience to. To keep moving into that vulnerable territory. I have to show how confident and in control I am in that moment.

Thanks for listening, everyone. And if you want a free chapter from one of my programs, go to getthefreechapter.com I'll see you next time.