Warning: This is What Happens When You’re “Too Nice”

I'm Matthew Hussey. Welcome to Love Life, which is now by popular demand a podcast on iTunes. I couldn't be more excited to deliver on something that women in my community have been asking for for years, and to reach a whole new audience of women who want to live their best lives. Whether that means an amazing relationship, a satisfying social life, the career of their dreams, or all of these things and more. Now, Before I give you some helpful advice you can use right now, I need to ask you a favor. Under my podcast picture on iTunes, I want you to hit the subscribe button. This will make sure that you and I stay connected and that you'll get each new show as soon as it's released. Did you click subscribe? Great. Let's start the show. We have been getting a lot of questions here at Love Life, people wanting to ask their personal issues. So we have one on the line right now. Hello.

Hi.

Hi. Who's this?

Sorry, I just stepped outside. This is Raquel. Who's this?

Matthew Hussey.

Oh, hi. How are you doing? I'm great.

I'm great. How are you doing?

I'm doing good. I'm doing good. I do have a question for you.

Tell me.

Okay. So I've been talking to this guy for a couple months and we go out all the time, like movies. bowling, talking on the phone, dinner, everything. Except he's never actually called it a date. Nor does he call me his girlfriend. But I know that he's into me. I know it because he's told friends. I know that he's into me, but I don't have that commitment. So basically, my question for you is, how do I let him know that I want a commitment without seeming too pushy?

So you said he doesn't call them dates.

What?

How does he go about them? What would you describe his style and attitude as?

Okay, so he'll say, Hey, want to go to dinner this place? Or, Hey, let's go see a movie tonight. And he does work a lot, too. I should say that. So he does have a really busy schedule. So I understand if he can't pick me up all the time or, you know, he's really, really busy. So when he does make time, I know it's a stack. I know he doesn't just do that for everyone.

So you'll go on dinner dates, movie dates that he doesn't call dates. How much notice does he give you when he's doing these things?

Usually like the day of.

The day of?

Because of his work schedule, yeah.

Okay, so he tends to, by the way, I want you to notice something Raquel, if he's telling you the day of, what your brain is doing, because your brain is trying to find more ways that this is right, not more ways that this is wrong, your brain is justifying it and creating reasonable excuses for him. But you also know somewhere deep inside that there are, if he was really committed to making you happy, he would figure out a way. Now, that's not because he doesn't like you. That's not because he's not attracted to you. But there is a difference between liking someone and respecting someone. They're not always the same thing. So right now, what you've, the situation that you've created and you've allowed has allowed him to put you there in the hierarchy of the things in his life.

Wow.

Does that make sense?

Yeah. It's crazy because I'm noticing, I think that's actually a pattern with past relationships too. I give and give and give to all of my relationships. and I know that my friends and even people I've been with in the past, they really liked me and stuff too, but it's that respect level isn't there because I don't create an atmosphere where that's necessary. And I never really realized it until you just said all of that. And so I'm noticing it's a pattern, and it's tiring me out, to be honest.

Now let me just reframe it for you. Let me put it another way. In your life with the people around you, who are the people you feel more drawn to? Are they the people that bend over backwards to please you, or are they the ones that you admire because of the standards they have in their life?

Wow. The ones I admire because of the standards they have. If someone bends over backwards to please me, I don't really know if I have anyone in my life like that.

How do you feel about those people? Be honest. Use whatever word, no matter how offensive it is. What word do you use for those people? How do you feel about them?

Pushovers. I can do whatever I want in there. Yeah, they're still gonna be there.

Yeah, and it's exactly. You can do whatever you want and they're still gonna be there. And for that reason, it gets kind of gross, right? It's like, oh, just get away from me. You're driving me crazy. Yeah. With the other people that respect themselves and have standards, they're the ones that you admire because you want to be more like them.

Wow. Yeah.

Firstly, it's on some level that's worked for you in the past. You know that being nice in that way has worked for you. Absolutely. So you'll have got some friends out of it. You'll get people that say lovely things about you. When you hear those types of things, it validates you being that way even more. But you also do that because you're afraid that if you were to stand up for yourself more, you would lose people in your life.

Yeah.

They wouldn't be there. If you stood up to this guy and actually made clear what it was you wanted, you'd be afraid that he wouldn't be there next week.

Yeah.

So it really comes from a fear of loss. What if I lose this person because I uphold my standards? In other words, you uphold your standards when it feels convenient for your emotions. You stick up for yourself when it feels like it can't go wrong. But when it feels like it could go wrong and sticking up for yourself would mean losing somebody, you definitely make sure you don't do that.

That is so crazy. Yes, 100%. Yes. So how do I change that though? Because I mean, I've been like that forever, you know, as long as- well.

The first way to change it is emotionally. In other words, changing the entire way that you see yourself. But there's also a logical way. to change this. And the logical way to change it is for you to know when there are people who do this to you and play nice all the time, you actually end up pushing those people away because they're either boring or they're unattractive and you don't respect them. And the people that actually uphold their standards around you are the ones that you chase more.

That's incredible. I'm like, I'm gonna have to process all of this. It's crazy.

It's a lot, right? Because it's undoing years of conditioning.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for your time as well. I appreciate it.

You're so welcome, Raquel. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate your bravery in being honest about the issues.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

All right, take care. Bye-bye. Massive thank you to Raquel there. That was amazing. And thank you so much for listening. I think these are callings are amazing. We should have been doing this years ago. These are so much fun and so insightful. And I really hope that you out there listening are getting the same insights yourself because of course, I'm not just talking to Raquel. I'm talking to everyone out there listening who feels that they don't uphold their standards. And for any of you who ever want to come and join me on one of my programs, you can go to my site to find them out. My site is howtgetttheguide.com. you can see all the dates for our programs there. And also follow me on Facebook. There is this new website called Facebook that everyone is just really addicted to right now. It's so popular. You can come join me there. I'm at facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussy. Stay up to date with everything we're doing guys, all the new videos and articles and this new information. Take care my friends. I will see you soon. Thank you for listening. And if you liked what you heard today, be sure to leave a five star review and comment on iTunes, which will help me reach more women out there just like you who deserve the life they've always wanted. always wanted. In the iTunes app or on your desktop, just look up the show, click on ratings and reviews, and then click Write a Review. Thank you. I appreciate the support more than you know, and I'll catch you next time.