16 Sept 2022 · 7 min
Matthew Hussey addresses people second-guessing breakups, arguing that most end for one or two clear reasons like effort imbalance. Post-breakup loneliness and fear make you romanticize what was, but pain doesn't mean you chose wrong. It often signals growth.
It's perfectly possible to feel an enormous amount of pain after the relationship but that pain doesn't mean you made the wrong decision.
Welcome to the Love Life Podcast. It's me, Matthew Hussey. Enjoy this classic clip from our archives. And if you wanna let me know what you think or how this podcast is helping you, don't forget to leave me a review on iTunes under the Love Life Podcast. Enjoy.
For anyone out there who has let someone go, who has ended a relationship, and is questioning whether they have made the right decision. The first thing I'll say is this, there are usually 20 reasons we could list about why someone might be wrong for us. We could list out their bad habits, we could list out things that are frustrating us in the relationship, but normally the reason we're leaving someone boils down to one or two simple truths. And focusing on those truths is what will allow us to be reassured in our decision. For example, I was talking to a woman recently and she could probably list many reasons that she wasn't gonna be with this person long term, but the fundamental one was that she felt like she was giving a lot more to the relationship than he was. The problem is that when we do end it, there's so much fear that enters our body at that moment. And in the following weeks and months, we begin to question our decision, not because the reasons for breaking up with that person were wrong. But the fear begins to overshadow those reasons and we begin to question ourselves and say, did I really make the right decision? Maybe I should have given them another chance. Maybe I ended it prematurely. Maybe I'm being too fussy and I shouldn't be expecting that person to change that thing. But if you knew at the time, fundamentally, there was a reason you had to end it in that relationship, understand that it's perfectly possible to feel an enormous amount of pain after the relationship, but that pain doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. It can trick us sometimes. When we get lonely enough and when we get scared enough of being alone, of not finding anyone better, not finding that person that we said we'd find who would ultimately meet our standards, that's when we begin saying maybe I was wrong. because our logic fades and what happens is we begin to put a halo around the relationship, we begin to glamorize or romanticize the relationship and we forget our reasons, our fundamental reasons that were there at the time, the reasons that were a big enough impetus for us to leave in the first place, which is no small thing. Now there's also the noise of the people around us because there's internal noise, there's all of my fear, but then there's what people say. There are plenty of people around you who when you're really suffering after a breakup, when you're crying and questioning whether you've done the right thing and you're in a really bad place, those people, even the ones that care about you, they don't want you to be this upset. They don't want you to be sad in this way. It won't be long before they start questioning, well, you don't have to do this, you know. Maybe you could give it another go. You know, are you sure that you do want to leave? They won't say it in the beginning because most of the time our friends and family, they start by honoring or validating the decision we've made. But if they see us really, really upset, their fear of us being even more upset over time can lead them to say, well, you know, you don't have to leave. You could go back. And it's at that moment where we get really confused because now we really start to question ourselves. Beware the noise that comes from within, the internal fears that make you question yourself that have nothing to do with whether that person was right for you are just primal fears that we feel after a breakup. And be wary of the external confusion, the noise that comes from without from the people that care about us who just want us to be happy and sometimes think the easiest route for us to be happy is just to be back with that person. it's the comfortable route to go back to, beware of both that internal and external confusion. Because very often it's not real, it's not real, it's not coming from a place of this person is actually right for me and I've made a terrible mistake. It's coming from fear and from scarcity. And knowing that is very, very important. See, I can't take away the pain of missing someone. overnight. I can't stop you being sad that there's someone in your life that meant something to you that you've decided to walk away from. But if there's one thing that makes that pain worse, it's questioning our decision at the same time. Not just missing someone but saying, did I actually do the right thing? And if I can do one thing for you in this video, it's reassure you. that if you knew that your reasons or your reason, your main reason for leaving was that important and that fundamental to what you want, which I find very often it is, then I can at least help you be at peace with that decision and not continuously question it. You can be in pain, you can be afraid, you can be hurt, you can miss that person like crazy, you can be crazy jealous of them being with somebody else, you can feel all of those things, It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. Pain isn't always a sign that we did something wrong. It can just be a sign that this is a period where we need to grow and we need to overcome a few obstacles. So don't let it confuse you. Don't let it deter you from the path that you know is right and always at all costs resist the path that's most comfortable but leads you somewhere ultimately that you don't wanna go and is gonna end in far more pain than if you just choose the path of growth right now.
I hope you enjoyed that episode. Before you go, feel free to join me for live coaching on your biggest dating questions by going to askmh.com this is where you can sign up for a 14-day free trial to my members club, the Love Life Club. If you if you want coaching from me, if you want to be in an exclusive group of people that works with me every month on their confidence and their love lives, this is the place where we do it. Go to askmh.com to become a part of it.
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