What Are YOUR Top 2 Non-Negotiables In A Relationship? (w/ Matt and Stephen)

Welcome everyone to the Love Life Podcast. I am Stephen Hussey joined remotely from LA with Matthew Hussey. I'm sat here in the UK and he's flown off back to his new homeland, the United States. Hello, Matthew.

I miss you, Steve, but I really love my house.

It's a conflict. It's a conflict.

It is.

We did spend a good, good month or so together, so we had a lovely time frolicking in the English sun.

Probably more time than you need with me. You're probably ready for me to go home, weren't you?

I'll take what I can get these days.

Oh, give me a... When I'm there in London, I'm the one who's needy and begging for your time, mate. So don't give me all that.

I just make myself available whenever Matt's got any free time.

I tell you right now, that is a bald-faced lie.

That's true.

That is a lie. Do not gaslight me on the Love Life podcast in front of everybody. I won't have it. Well, put up with it, I will not.

Well, maybe gaslighting will be one of your answers for this question, Matthew, because we threw out to our listeners the question, what are two of your top non-negotiables in a partner? Now, obviously, this list could get very long, which is why I kept it to two, because I didn't want people to overdo it. And I was interested what people would put at the top. And there's some interesting answers, there's some insightful answers, and there's a few recurring ones that I'm interested in. What I also want to ask you about is what you think of the idea of non-negotiables, of thinking like these are must nots I will have in dating and how much you should be cognizant of them when you go into dating. Does that sound good?

Well, there have to be things that you say, I just, I suppose we're all nuanced, right? We're certain things. We might be, we might, yeah, I don't know. Life is in the, it's in the gray areas, isn't it? It's lived in the gray areas. So I don't know. When I think of non-negotiables, a relationship by definition is a lot of negotiating of the kinds of qualities that, you know, we're not necessarily, we don't love that we didn't sign up for those things, but how much of it can we put up with in order to be in a relationship with this person? I'm curious to know what the top voted non-negotiables were.

Because some went for a very positive version of it and the two things they really want are two good qualities. And some people went for the negative version of like, I must not have these.

Okay.

So what was the top voted?

The very top one was actually just, I mean, just two very good things. Communication plus effort. Given a lot of the things we hear from women on dating problems, I think definitely many things would be soothed if there was better communication and more effort.

I'd say those two can be non-negotiables.

Yeah.

They're vague enough that you can say those are non-negotiables, that someone has to communicate and they have to put in effort.

Yeah.

Well, and I do think those are people's two big bugbears. I think that does speak to the day we're in where people just feel like people don't make an effort and communication is sporadic and in and out. So that that one makes total sense to me. One that came very prominent and this was repeated by a lot of people. So, I mean, it's a bit of a discrimination here, but smoking habits. Smoking was a big one. High for a lot of people. And they mentioned. Yeah.

That seems sort of a, an anachronism that seems a bit Antiquated now for people to put as a top one.

Because it doesn't feel like there's loads of smokers out there these days, at least not in, in. UK, us, maybe in European countries more so.

I've dated people where in the beginning, you know, I was really attracted and then I saw them light up a cigarette and I just went, oh, no.

Right.

So I think a lot of people have that. I mean, smokers are quite a, in the dating realm, it seems, quite a discriminated against class. I didn't realize it, but, but, yeah, I guess a lot of non-smokers them, it's just like I can't do that. Like, if you don't do it, it's quite, it's quite hard to tolerate, isn't it?

Well, what a healthy bunch we've all become.

I actually read that in UK particularly, smoking rate has absolutely plummeted. There's a lot, way, way less smokers in the UK.

But how many vapers are there, Steve? Those vapers, is anyone saying no vapers? That's my non-negotiable because if. Because if you're saying no vapers, you're gonna. you've potentially being narrowing your pole a lot more.

Yeah, well, people are more tolerant of a lovely fruity waft coming from someone.

Right.

But those vaping shops are not going to survive, my friend, let me tell you that. There are too many of them. Jessica said integrity and respect. Respect comes up a lot and, and I feel that You know, it's interesting. I've written articles about respect because I think it's such a broad, like everyone just immediately nods heads and agrees with it. But I actually do think it's one of the, one of the first things that gets, that goes when people take people for granted. And it can start in very little ways, but I think a lot of people don't always know how to show a partner respect. they demand it for themselves and they don't want to be respected. But there's so many little things that can show disrespect in like the way you talk about a partner when they're in the presence of other people, maybe the way you slightly jab at them or put them down or a way you don't really respect their priorities and you don't really like prioritize them as well, being like, oh, that's important to you. We should make time for that or that, I know that I want to respect that that's important to you. I do feel actually that's one of those things that said so much it sounds bland, but it does go, it goes quickly in a relationship.

Well, I think the biggest area where we don't tend to respect each other is in our differences. People have a really low tolerance for the differences. between each other and they don't respect those. Difference in opinion, difference in the way someone wants to spend their time, a difference in what someone is interested in, a difference in how someone else reacts to a situation. And I suppose a lot of relationships work in proportion to the ability of the people in it to make space for the differences between them.

Yeah.

And I've, yeah, I think so many people are in relationships that end not because anyone was wrong, but because they just couldn't respect the differences between each other.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

And taking each other for granted, I think there's a form of disrespect there where people just start to get used to something and then just take the other person for granted. and don't really give them the same level of respect they gave at the beginning. I think that's one of those pitfalls to be really, really careful with.

A good thing to do is look at the person you're with and think about something that an ex used to do that used to drive you insane or make your blood boil or create arguments or toxicity that the current person doesn't do. That just isn't even an issue in your current relationship. You will immediately be more grateful for the relationship you're in.

That's interesting. So going on the other, the theme we talked about, the old Bailey, that's their handle on Instagram, just says non-smoker and single. So very low, very low threshold there.

That's a pretty low bar.

Although apparently all the smokers are gonna be the single ones, 'cause no one's dating them.

Right. Right, so that's become, that's actually, their stock has actually gone up, is what you're saying.

The non-smokers are looking pretty sexy right now. This is a good one. Sarah Ann said, Growth mindset and castle builder, which refers to those of you who don't know, to a great Matthew Hussey Hall of Fame analogy that you want someone who is going to build a castle with you, be someone who's the castle is the relationship, the beautiful thing you're building. You want someone who's going to be there actually building that thing with you, planning it out, showing up, saying, hey, I'm on your team. Let's do this together. So I like that growth mindset and the castle builder.

See, I. What I hear from that is someone who's who's active slash proactive, not someone who is just coasting. And a lot of relationships are so, you know, one or, or both people are really just coasting. They're not building. To me, building is when you ask, what do we want to create together? Where do we want to go together? What do we, what do we want to build together? Like what? what reality do we want to make? That's to me, the exciting, the truly exciting thing about a relationship is that you get to make a world. You get to make a reality. You get to create a culture that's unique to your relationship. What's the culture of our relationship? What are we building together? It's world building. It's a world of two.

That's why it's a shame when so much of modern relationships, it always seems like it's like, who's gonna get more priority? And it's them getting priority and not me. And the fun thing is when you both decide, how are we gonna spend money together on things we love? What trips do we love? Where do we wanna live? How do we wanna live our lives day to day? That should be fun. It shouldn't be this battle for whose needs are getting met now, like who's winning on that front? whose career is more important. I feel there's a lot of that in relationship today.

And maybe, frankly, today, almost a little bit of an overemphasis on independence.

That's interesting.

I think we've come to sort of fetishize independence Right. To the point where it's, you know, you see, I saw an Instagram quote recently, which was, you know, it was about basically being independent so that you don't, it basically seemed to amount to be so independent that none of your happiness derives from your relationship. Right.

Right.

And it's like at that point, what's the point?

Right.

Why do it? Like, if you get to the point where you're so, your happiness bars and everything that you are is so maxed out that you have absolutely no need for this limp thing that's presenting itself to you. And at that point, you should go for it. I just look at it like there's, you know, interdependence is a real thing. I don't think there's any shame in saying, I derive a tremendous amount of happiness from my partner and what we are building together. I just want to make sure I'm in a situation where they are contributing to that relationship with the same zeal that I am, that they're also building with me. And of course that, yes, it's healthy to make sure this isn't the only source of your happiness or your identity. But I do think that there's a, there's a real focus these days on, you know, making sure everything that's great about your life comes from yourself.

Yeah.

And some people love to, you know, their badges, their scout badges of accomplishments. And it's like, I've got my career, I've got my friends, I got my, I do this every week and this is my yoga time and this is my thing. And, you know, if someone wants to, you know, like, then they're like, well, I didn't even know if I need a person because I've got all these things. It's like, well, I don't know. Maybe. Do you need a person? It sounds like you're not even that bothered about it, but you're talking about a relationship. So is a relationship for you another Scout badge? Like, well, I just need someone so that that. That box is ticked because that's not going to work. People don't. People don't want to be that. They want to be in something where you.

It.

You intertwine, you build together. Not. I'm doing all this amazing stuff, and you can just pop along for the ride.

Yeah, and I think that the problem with that mindset is it kind of dating starts with this dynamic of let's see who cares the least.

Yeah.

Let's see who tries the least. And the one who tries the least wins.

And whose life is more important? Who's got more capital in the bank of their life? And it's like, well, look at how big and important my life is and all my cool stuff.

And I just think that you want to look for someone who's secure enough not to weaponize all of their achievements and the size of their life within the context of dating you and someone who's secure enough to just come to a situation to both invest on an even footing and to try and to make yourself vulnerable in the process. that that's hard, but it takes, it does take a secure person to do that. It takes a secure person to admit that, wow, I've gotten so close to you at this stage that losing you would be really hard for me. Actually takes a secure person to admit that, say, wow, I've got a lot on the line with you because you make me really happy. And if I lost you, I'd cope, but it would be, it would be really, really hard. That takes a certain amount of security, to be honest, with yourself or someone else about that. But God, you know, I feel like one of the things we should be looking for in a relationship is someone who is willing to come to the table with a kind of directness and, and where we're not trying to figure each other out all the time, where we're not trying to, you know, figure out who's playing what game and, you know, what their angle is, but it It's sort of simple. Not easy. Easy is confusing as a word, 'cause sometimes things are hard in the sense that, you know, someone's really busy right now or that they, you know, you're long distance at the moment and that's hard or that you're going through something in your life and that's making it hard. There's plenty of things that can make a situation hard. But it doesn't have to be complex if two people demonstrate that they do like each other and that they want to keep seeing each other. That part can be simple even if it's not easy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

People say the right thing is easy. I don't know about that, but I know that the right thing shouldn't feel really complicated.

Yeah.

Very true. I got a couple more and then we'll wrap up a couple of funny ones. So, oh well, Ciao Vendu says, sense of humor, must like Eminem. I mean, that's fair enough.

That's a non-negotiable.

It's a non-negotiable. You gotta like Eminem.

Fair enough.

Not the Kandi, the Detroit-based rapper.

Got it.

The Georgia Edelson, I feel like she's being deliberately provocative, but she did get likes. I think she's trying to troll incels here, but she put a big eggplant emoji and a lot of dollar emoji.

I like that you've taken the most generous interpretation of that, which is that she's just trolling in cells. She might be literal.

She might be being honest. But, yeah, it's just. I feel like that's a great. A great provocateur response. All right, well.

We'D all like a big egg plant, Steve.

Sure. And we've all. We've all bought the, you know, we've all fallen for those sales pitches.

So.

But no, good luck with that, Georgia. Fair play. We've got the House of Rosie, who says vegan and ambitious. And the reason I want to bring that one to you, Matt, is When you have one that is something like that, you know will be narrow, let's say narrow down your pool more significantly. Do you think some of those are going to be just really important to people? If you're Jewish and you want someone who's Jewish and shares your culture, then it's going to narrow down your pool significantly. But you might just think, well, that's really a top priority for me because of my religion and my culture. What do you think of ones that are like, you know, I'm a vegan, it's a big part of my lifestyle, so it's just what I need. Do you feel that person's missing something or do you think that's like just good self-knowledge? Because it might be a strong moral position, mightn't it?

And you might- well, let's be real. You narrow your pool a lot more if you're vegan and you expect someone else to be vegan. You know, that is a, that's not just going in saying, I want to be accepted for the way I am. That's going in saying, someone has to be the way that I am. And that is going to considerably narrow your pool of people. Because someone who is vegan but can be in a relationship with someone else and respect the fact that that person hasn't made that decision in their lives is going to have plenty of options. And by the way, the same is true in return. You may be a vegan and say, I need to be with someone who respects the fact that I'm a vegan. You know, I don't want to be with someone who's constantly having Jabs at me for being a vegan and constantly rolling their eyes all the time. I I'm. I'm not going to. I'm not gonna sit there and.

Make.

A fuss about them wanting to eat meat at dinner time. I just want them to respect the fact that that's not something I want to do. But if. If you're going and saying, I have to have someone who's like that, that's okay, by the way. There's nothing wrong with that, but that for sure is going to narrow your pool of people. And I'm not saying on that particular issue because now I know it's sensitive for some people, but I. I do think that it should be said.

That.

There are many more opportunities for us in life. If instead of saying, I need a partner who's the same as me, you say, I need a partner where we mutually respect each other's lifestyles. That opens up the world. And by the way, it still narrows your pool. 'Cause you still need to find someone who's open enough and compassionate enough to accept a difference in the way you live your lives. That still requires two open and respectful and compassionate people, but it at least doesn't stipulate that we have to be the same in those departments. I think there's actually something very attractive about two people who can have very different views on something but equally respect each other's views. I do think that's incredibly attractive and I see plenty of couples where that's the case. It almost becomes a it actually becomes an interesting feature of their relationship. In fact, I find that sometimes it can be quite a charming or endearing feature of relationships between certain people when you realize, oh my God, you guys are completely different here and yet you love and respect each other. That's amazing. I think that's the quite special.

Yeah, I think some people definitely are a bit stronger on the sort of openness spectrum, personality wise. I think for some people, they just, they have very hard moral positions and they, you know, they're like, I can't imagine someone dating someone out of my politics or someone outside of my moral views. And, yeah, it's, I mean, yeah, it's a, it's, it's a harder road. In some ways, it's a harder road because you are you are either going to set yourself up for a lot of debates and angry debates with your partner. Some people do that. Or you're going to be just narrowing down to people who completely share all of your moral views. And, yeah, I, I think you, you pays your money, you makes your choice on that.

Well, that's a, what a line to end on.

Yeah, but if you can be open-minded, it can definitely make life a little easier in that respect. But if you've got strong moral positions, then you do you. Well, I think it's good to think about some of your hard knows. I think it's important to, I think flexibility matters. I do think it matters. you just don't want to immediately prematurely reject everyone because you've created a massive laundry list of non-negotiables. I found that approach rarely works for people. I had to hear from people all the time, like, I met him and he's never the kind of person I would have usually fallen for. But, you know, we, I got to know him and we got married and I've heard that story many, many times. So there's definitely something to being open to people you might not expected.

It's just the opposite of that is someone who's kind of an asshole who just goes around judging everyone all the time for everything, you know, that's different to them. And that's not a pleasant person to be around. And it doesn't, it doesn't open up the world of options.

You remember that bit? You remember that bit on Parks and Rick where April is really, like, cold and sarcastic with her friends who are all, like, smarmy and sort of pretentious, and then. she kind of falls for Andy, who's this kind of a bit jockey, a bit bro-y and goofy, and her friends are sarcastically like taking the piss out of him when he's helping her with something. And then she realizes she's actually kind of like falling for him and she's like, tells them to shut up. And she's like, oh, they're like, oh, we make fun of people like that. They're not like us. And but she's realized, oh, actually I've seen through the fact that he doesn't seem like my type. He's a bit more jockey and she's a bit more gothy and sarcastic. And it's like, oh, they're a couple who end up falling really in love, but she realizes, oh, he's not, I've stereotyped him as just like a bro-y jock, but he's not.

Yeah. Well, look, if we want to, if we want everything that we are, then we should just date ourselves. But if you want to, expand your world, find someone with some different qualities to you, some different ideas. That's how your life is going to expand through a relationship. Well, thanks, Steve, for today. This has been great.

Thanks, bro. Pleasure, as always. And you can subscribe on iTunes, Spotify, and Stitcher. You can email the show podcast@matthewhussie.com and we will read some of those out next episode. And that's it for today.

Thank you, everyone. We appreciate you listening in, and we will see you, or you will hear us in the next episode.

All right, see you soon, pickles.

I see those long sites.

Ookie.

Got a new wife. Shorty got a new boo.

Yeah.

Love. Beautiful.

I'm looking for love.