What Dating an Emotionally Unavailable Person Looks Like | Rewind

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Did you know your cell phone is made with recycled materials? In fact, most of the things you depend on every day are. From essential infrastructure to important innovations, America is made with recycled materials. Learn how at RecycledMaterials.org if you're asking if I'm seeing anyone else consistently, then no, I'm not. Which I don't know what that means exactly. Hey everyone, this episode is a rewind episode, one from the archives. I think you're going to enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Send me an email afterwards podcast@matthewhussy.com and don't forget by the way to go and download my my free guide that I just released. This one is new in the last couple of months. It's called Bold Standards, and you can find it at boldstandards.com It teaches you how to articulate the difficult things that you want to say to someone in your love life. It can also be used in other parts of life too. So check it out, boldstandards.com, and now on to the episode. So she said, hello Matthew and the rest of Jams. Love the podcast. This may be a bit unorthodox to be asking for advice since I am a prominent male dating coach specializing in seduction and attraction. I do want to clarify here that this is a woman who coaches men. That's what she means by a male dating coach. She's a dating coach for men. However, we all know that when things are too close to home, sometimes all we need is an unbiased opinion, coach or not. This is where you come in. You see, me and this guy have been seeing each other steadily about once or twice a week since the beginning of May. We're both busy, as I often give the same advice about the importance of staying busy so as not to contract One iters. But this guy is different than your average bear. First off, he's a celebrity in his own right in a certain sector of Hollywood. Not going into detail, but he is a big, big deal. He values talented women and drive to which my dating coach company has blown up in the last year, and he loves to hear all about it. Things have been going very well between us, but I could tell there's something there, a blockade of sorts. And I was right. About a month ago, he confided in me all of this intense trauma he went through during the pandemic and with his last relationship. Big deal stuff. Huge, because this guy is a big deal in his world. So his problems aren't just your typical problems. The girlfriend he was with for years was diagnosed with borderline and other severe mental illness that I don't want to reveal for privacy reasons. They even created television shows together. He claims he tried everything to keep the relationship from falling apart, but it did. A year and a half ago, she was his first love. This matched with other work-related traumas resulting in PTSD. Tears were shed in the conversation, and all in all, it was a really beautiful morning of us being completely vulnerable with each other. This is when I really started to fall for him. He's in lots of therapy and discusses his feelings well, which I love. I have secure attachment style. I know not to text him too much or too little. But the thought of what are we? kept eating me alive. Two weeks ago, I asked him, what are you looking for in dating? I clarified by saying, Not that I feel any decisions need to be made now, but I will say that I'm getting in too deep for this to be a casual fling. And I asked him if dating could be a possibility in the future. He said yes. This is already a long email, so I'll try to cut this short. We had another conversation about it last week because in truth, I wanted to know if he was seeing other girls since I myself ended things with another guy and I genuinely don't feel like going on other dates. He clarified, if you're asking if I'm seeing anyone else consistently, then no, I'm not. Which I don't know what that means exactly. The conversation basically led into him revealing that he's been putting off the what are we convo because of all of the trauma and PTSD surrounding his ex and the possibility of being a boyfriend. He says he knows it's unfair to me because I am nothing like her, and he promised he will start bringing up dating again in therapy. I also am finding that many of our dates are during the week. He's met my friends twice. I've yet to meet his. He isn't bringing me into his life yet. Should I be worried? Or not yet? I don't want to give up on this guy. But how long do I wait? What do I do during this limbo time? It's not like it's been months and months and he's still not committing. But it's also feeling like this is a barrier we either need to cross together or the place I leave him behind. Do I create more space? What does it mean by being a challenge when you put it into practice? Is it too soon to move forward like this? Should I just let things be? Should I continue to date others or honor this feeling of desiring only him? From one coach to another, thank you.

There's so much there, isn't there?

I'm gonna call this person Lisa so that we have something to a name to actually use. Lisa, you have to suspect yourself. Anytime you write something like this or you have a conversation explaining the situation, and you begin with the premise that, let me just caveat this by saying that they are a celebrity. And that, by the way, few people on this earth are dating celebrities. because there aren't that many celebrities. But we could all be in the position of dating someone who is high status in a company, who is a successful entrepreneur, who has a lot of status in their particular field or their world. And if you start the conversation, which is a conversation ultimately around your needs not getting met. Right? That's what this email is. My needs aren't getting met. I don't feel secure or safe in this thing. I can't call it a relationship because we're not calling it a relationship between the two of us. I don't feel safe and secure in this. And that's one of the needs that I have, is the need for some sense of certainty. that I'm actually investing in something under the same premise that the other person is. She doesn't feel that, which is why she has sent this email. My needs aren't being met is at the core of this email. Now, when you start an email or a conversation that ultimately is about your needs being met, not being met, and it is pre-faced by let me just start with They're a big deal. They're a celebrity. They're a successful business person. They aren't renowned in their field. They are from an important family, whatever it may be. You are already setting up the justification for why your needs don't matter as much in this situation. And you're making a rod for your own back. because that's exactly the logic this person may be relying on in order to get away with what they're getting away with. And it's exactly the logic you're using as to why you're going to let this person get away with things that you wouldn't let someone get away with in a normal relationship, which is why you've allowed this justification of you know, there's been a whole bunch of PTSD surrounding his ex and the things that he's been through with her and work and everything else. It's. And we've said this before, you, in any, in any situation where you're dating someone and they give you a logic as to why they can't do certain things, why they can't commit to a relationship, why they have no time. why they can't ever meet our family, why they can't come to our side of town, and we always have to go to theirs. Someone may give you a watertight logic as to why that's true. And when they do, if you're an empathetic person, and if on top of that you throw in a healthy dose of, I really want them, then you will buy into that logic, and you'll even sell your friends on the logic. you'll sell people you know on the logic. Lisa is trying to sell us on the logic. And that means you've been converted. But the phrase that we've said in the past, which holds true today, this is not a piece of advice that I have ever thought to change, because to me, it's just a recipe for finding the right relationship and avoiding unnecessary pain. is you have your reasons, but I have my reality. If my reality is that what you're giving me isn't enough for me to be happy, then your reasons as to why that is don't really matter. In other words, I don't need to sit around and and analyze whether you're in the right or the wrong for those reasons, whether you're being overly dramatic about this PTSD that you have from this situation, or whether it truly is this trauma that's gonna take you years to get over before you're ready for a relationship, or whether you're just using it as an excuse because actually you're having your fun right now with people you're not seeing consistently enough to say that you're seeing people consistently. It doesn't actually matter to me which of those three things are true. All that matters is I'm somebody who this year, 2022, would like a relationship. And you are not in a position to give me that. It doesn't, it's not about right and wrong, good and bad. It's about what are you actually giving me? Those are the facts. My reality determines how happy I am. Your reasons do not. And my reality is that I'm actually not getting from you what I want. And that's the conversation. If you ask, how do you... You know, one of the questions Lisa asks at the end is, what does it mean by being a challenge when you put it into practice? Lisa, I'm going to be brutal with you here. The way you phrased it to him was, what are you looking for in dating? Not that I feel any decisions need to be made now, which why did you say that? Why did you feel the need to qualify your question with that? And it's not that a decision needs to be made now about marrying each other, but it's perfectly okay for you to say, I need to know whether you actually are interested in seeing each other exclusively to see where this goes or whether you're still thinking you want to see other people. It's not unreasonable to say that to him, but you didn't say that. You said, not that I feel any decisions need to be made now. So you already gave up your power in that sentence. Because you already told him in that moment, I'm completely malleable. You don't need to decide anything. All I'm doing is hinting at a question, but I'm too afraid to make any stakes around that. You then say, not that I feel any decisions need to be made now, but I will say that I'm getting in too deep for this to be a casual fling. And could dating be a possibility in the future?

And him saying yes to that, by the way. I mean, he's saying he's committing to nothing.

He's signing a worthless contract.

He's committing to nothing. It's, will you maybe in the future be interested in dating me exclusively?

It's like going to a market in London and going, now, if I buy everything today, do you think that there is the possibility that at some point in the future you may give me a discount? What's the. What's the Barrow boy on the market gonna say? Yeah. No, of course. Yeah, of course, love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll tell you what. Buy it all today, and at some point in the future, we'll have a chat. I feel like we need to name this Cockney character. We'll call him Cockney Tom, 'cause this is like your Tom Cruise Mission Impossible character. I absolutely can commit at some point in the future to having a little chat. If, by the way, Lisa, if you're listening to this and there's a part of you that's going, I don't like, you know, this is the way you're talking about this whole thing, I don't like it, you're making fun of it or whatever, get mad at him. That what we're saying is highlighting, I'm not minimizing your pain. I'm not minimizing the fact that it's going to hurt you to have spent time investing in someone who you like. And it always sucks to lose someone we like. All of that is valid, and I get it. And I don't want you to suffer. But the reason I have to make fun of this is because I don't want you to suffer. It's because I need you to actually see through this stuff. You've been giving it too much time of day because you're so close to it. And when you're really close to someone, let me tell you, I don't blame you because proximity is power. When you're close to someone, someone can sell us on a logic that we start to believe because we're close to them and because we're giving them the benefit of the doubt. and because they're shedding tears and because we don't want to be mean about it. But this person is shedding tears for himself.

Correct.

Not you. Yeah, he didn't show any particular Contrition.

At any point in that email.

And also, you know, he talks a lot about his, his PTSD with his past relationship. I actually, I said it in, in either the last podcast or the one before. But we as women, I think, have to be really, really mindful to not let men use us for the girlfriend experience, which I think is exactly what he's doing here. He's staying up all night shedding tears over his past relationship with you, but then saying that he can't commit to anything right now, but maybe potentially in the future he will stop seeing other people consistently or whatever he said. So it's It's also after three months or so, he's kind of using your patience and good nature because you're allowing him to do it. And the reality is that anybody, whether they have status or something about them that makes them valuable to the outside world, the best way to stand out to people like that is actually to have healthy boundaries because maybe he's just used to people doing whatever the hell he wants. because ultimately that's how everybody else treats him because they're all too scared to lose him. But you have to value how you feel about yourself and the fact that you have a sort of healthy and non-anxious, non-avoidant attachment style, whatever you call it, the normal one.

That's secure.

You know, secure. Protect that because actually dating people like that is exactly the kind of thing that messes you up. And I think you have to protect that and just stand out from everyone else by saying, You know, this is what I would like. And actually, I'm not asking for a lot. I'm asking for exclusivity. I'm asking for this to maybe be something where we actually look to see where it goes because we've been dating for three and a half months. So if you can't give me that because you're not ready, because of your past relationship, your PTSD, your whatever it is, that's absolutely fine. But then we can't continue as we are because ultimately, as you have stated, he's not meeting your needs. And I actually think that's a better way to stand out and to even make him want you than to just agree to everything he says.

Thank you so much for listening to the episode. I hope you enjoyed it. Before you go, make sure that you do this today. I promise you every week you are missing out by not doing what I'm about to say. I am sending a private email to a group of people who have registered for it every single Friday. The email is called the Three Relationships and every email is packed with advice on how you can improve one of the three relationships that I believe determine the quality of your life. Your relationship with other people, your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with life itself. It's a super valuable email. People really look forward to it. This is not the kind of email that you don't open. It's the kind of email you can't wait to see in your inbox every Friday. Go over to thethreerelationships.com to sign up for that email for free and I will see you in your inbox this Friday. Thanks for listening everyone. I'll see you in the next episode. Be well and love life.