What Guys Really Think | Matthew Hussey (Replay)
Matthew Hussey breaks down four relationship stages and explains why people get stuck in early attention-rich phases. He argues for looking at concrete actions like effort and sacrifice rather than mixed signals, and stresses the importance of asking hard questions to understand someone's real investment.
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Learn more at protectprosperity.com, paid for by Americans for Prosperity. It's time for some podcast reviews from Mon. Lisa is a total badass who interviews amazing women in a different, approachable, and relatable way. I completely recommend her podcast. It will change your life. She wrote that in capital, so of course I had to say it like that. That's so cool. Is he not calling me back because he's busy or because he's just not interested? When he says, I'll see you soon, does that mean tomorrow or just when he gets around to it, if ever? What about when he said he loved being with me and then disappears for days on end? Let's face it, mixed signals, constant questioning and second guessing can seriously be draining and bloody exhausting. And that repetitive negative doubt certainly isn't good for your own mind and self-esteem, let alone a lasting relationship. And so today, guys, I wanted to do a different kind of show. I wanted to bring on a male relationship expert to help us understand each other better, to give a perspective that my own estrogen eyes may not otherwise be able to see. It can allow us to understand our partners or the people we are dating, which then in turn gives us the skills and ability to navigate situations and make romantic decisions with our eyes wide open. The more understanding we have, the more ability we have to act as we choose. And so I am beyond excited to introduce to you today's guest, the New York Times bestselling author, relationship columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine, and creator of the 1 Relationship Advice YouTube channel with over 2.1 million subscribers and over 371 million channel views. Saying he's changing millions of women's lives and relationships is certainly putting it mildly. So guys, get ready because this man is about to drop Knowledge love bombs. The heart doctor himself, Cupid with a British accent, the lovely Matthew Hussey. Welcome to the show.
We did it. We got together.
We did. I'm so excited to have you on. There's so many things that I could talk to you about, but I got it. It was like the first thing that I was the most interested in. It's just not that complicated.
Yes, here's the great simplifier in any relationship or dating interaction is, am I seeing someone actually invest? Some of my most popular videos are about decoding male language. And that's great and it can be a lot of fun, but also you have to step back and be like, there's only one language that really matters, which is, Am I actually feeling someone trying? You know, I was reading books that were designed for women that were saying, if he doesn't come over, he's just like, he's not interested. Don't bother. It's not going anywhere. And I, as a boy who had grown up very shy and afraid of the woman that I really wanted to talk to, I was like, this isn't true. Like, it's exactly the woman I want to talk to that I'm not talking to. So the idea that if I haven't already come over to you, Don't bother because I'm not interested. I was like, this is literally the opposite is true. So my feeling at that time was if I can just get women to be proactive in an area that culturally they've been taught to hang back in, you know, look great and wait until the right person comes along and says hi to you. If I can just get them to be more proactive, then they'll have more choice. Maybe one of the reasons that women are settling for the wrong person is because of a lack of choice. That if they had more options, more quality options, they wouldn't be like, well, I gotta settle for this guy. All right? Like, he's not treating me right. He's disrespecting me. He's not everything I want, but what else is there? I thought, if I can get them to a place where there's tons of options, now they'll make better decisions. Now I was half right.
Oh, go on.
Because when I started, more choice was an exhilarating thing for a lot of people. You know, I would have this idea, one of the metaphors that kind of started this whole thing for me was the idea of the handkerchief. I would say to women, Look, I'm not trying to make you into the pursuer, but I do want to make sure that you have the power to meet anyone you want, anytime you want, without having to wait. And women would say, I don't wanna make the first move. I'm old fashioned. And I'd say, well, that's, I need to make sure you know what old fashioned was. 'Cause old fashioned was a woman 100 years ago walking past a guy, dropping her handkerchief, and then continuing on. He would see the handkerchief, he'd think this is an extraordinary opportunity to be a man. He'd pick it up, he'd walk it over to her, and he'd say, Madam, you dropped this. And she'd say, Did I? They now have a conversation. that he thought was his idea. He thought he was the one who started it. It wasn't. She chose him. So what I would teach women at that stage was how to drop the handkerchief, right? He'll still feel like he's making the move, but you're the one who did the choosing. Now, where I was half wrong is, what I didn't realize is that there are certain ways that We're weighing up someone's value wrongly and certain insecurities in us that make us value the wrong kind of attention. So they dropped the handkerchief all of a sudden, guys are picking it up, they're coming over, but, and I say metaphorically dropping handkerchief, I had ways that weren't about carrying around a hanky all day. But I, they were, guys were picking it up and then they'd be so excited about that attention. that they forgot to qualify whether it was the right kind of attention. And so what I started to realize is, ah, attention does not mean intention. We can get lots of attention from someone who has no intention of taking it anywhere further, of having a meaningful connection with us, of having a relationship with us. So I started to now, okay, now I got a new mission. It's not just to help women create Attention is to create the right kind of attention and to distinguish between what's attention and what's real intention. And then beyond that, where does intention become true investment? Because intention is great too. But if someone can't deliver, if someone says, I'm intending to treat you great. I'm intending to do right by you, but they did everything wrong by you. They strung you along, they cheated, they did. Now it's someone who has intention but can't deliver on those promises. So often when we're in the right place of trying to measure intention, what are his intentions? What does he mean by that? What does that piece of, what does that text message mean? We forget to just ask ourselves the simple question, which is, is this intention Demonstrated in real investment? Is it demonstrated in real actions? And I'm all about looking at who in your life is giving you consistent investment? Who in your life is consistently showing up? And I always say, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest in them based on how much they invest in you.
Where do you even start them? Because if if you're saying, like, let's say Lisa's saying, I will invest in you if you invest in me. But then now, doesn't it become kind of like one of those, what they like in the westerns, like who draws first? And then it feels like somewhat of a, well, I'm not going to do it until he does it or until the other person does it. And now, like, how do I know that they're not thinking the same thing about me?
That's a great question. A simple phrase, invest, then test. We're never getting anywhere in life unless we put ourselves on the line to some extent. You have to have some skin in the game. And you have to be brave enough to know that I'm going to have some skin in the game, but if it doesn't work out, I'm strong enough, and this is where building your internal sense of security and confidence comes in. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to be okay. I can go out and get rejected and still be okay. I don't lose my sense of self. It stings. Most people, you know, there's tons of people online, influencers and self-development gurus who talk about, you know, never caring about rejection. But the truth is, we all do, yeah. It stings. But what happens is you don't stop caring about rejection, you just care about something else more. So if I put out a video this weekend and I get rejected, and the rejection for me comes in the form of people finding a hole in my idea that I didn't think about until they saw it. And then I go, they're right about that. I don't, you know, I'm not as clever as I thought this week. And that, you know, that can be a sting. I feel it. But it doesn't ever stop me making my weekly video because what I get from that, what I get from sharing with the world, the enjoyment I get from putting out my ideas and being the kind of person that keeps expressing myself regardless of what shots get taken at me, is just bigger. I want that more than I want to not get rejected this week in a video. And that's true. That has to be true in dating too. How can I come out of this relationship and then go and put my subject myself to this again? How can I come out of a divorce and subject myself to this again? I got cheated on last time. How do I... We're gonna have wounds. We're gonna have scars. But it's what do you want more than to not be cheated on again? Well, you want to live a life where you still actualize, where the beautiful part of you, the sexual part of you, the loving part of you, doesn't now become numb and go underutilized or undernourished simply because of someone in your past. I'm not going to allow that person to control the rest of my life now, even if it happens again. I got through it. It didn't kill me that time. So if it happens again, it won't kill me the next time either. So you're absolutely right. You can't sit back. I've been on dates before. This is crazy. I've been on dates where at the end of the date, I could be sitting with a friend and go, I have no idea if she likes me. I don't know. I didn't... There was no moment in that date where this person telegraphed, that they found me attractive, that they were excited to see me again, that they were having a great time. Like, I never, at no point. And then, you know, a day later, I really would love to see you again. I'm like, what? I don't know. So at some point, it serves us to make clear, like, I like you, right? That's communicating. I like you. I find you very attractive. I'd love to have coffee with you sometime. You looked really hot in that shirt. You know, like those things are communicating. So invest then test means, yeah, give a little bit. Give someone a compliment. Don't sit there in the coffee shop, like, you know, seeing that hot person over there, that person you want to speak to, and don't do anything for two hours and then leave and say, well, if they really like me, they would have come over. No, it's hard. It's really difficult for anyone to come over, make a move, risk rejection. They're now stuck in this coffee shop with the person that rejected them. They gotta leave. I don't wanna stay here anymore. You just rejected me. I can't sit here and drink my cappuccino now. Like, it's very difficult. People underestimate. They completely get how hard it is to take a risk when it's themselves. But when it's other people, They're like, well, he didn't come over. Like for every lady out there, like for a guy to come over to you and get rejected feels for a lot of men like dying. Like it's like they would rather anything else happen to them. They'd rather lose money today than walk over and get rejected by a woman. So it's those little moments where you get to give a little bit that you then measure. Okay, did I, Have I communicated, would this person know I like them? Would this person know that I'm open to doing something with them? To going out for a date, to going for a coffee, whatever. Now that they know that, let's see if they meet, I move a little bit, let's see if they move a little bit, and so on. That's how it has to be. But what you don't do is move a little bit, they keep standing there, then you move and move and move and move. That's the part where communicating becomes chasing.
Yeah, this is where it gets really, like it's complicated, but it's not complicated. And that's really what I want to talk to you about is that the phrase, he's just not that into you. When that phrase came out, me and my husband had this big massive debate about that phrase, 'cause he was like, Yes, like if you're wondering why he's not making a move, he's just not that into you. It's as simple as. And what I came back as like, But sometimes you say it's as simple as, and other times it's not because you're giving me signals, you're telling me you want to be with me. Sometimes you are, But then you disappear again. And so it seems like it's very messy. It's very intertwined with messaging and signals on both sides. I'm not actually saying just for men, it's also the women, I'm sure. So how do we know when something isn't that complicated and it is exactly how they say? And other times it's actually way more complicated and there's this whole underlying message that maybe we're trying to read into or want to read into, how do we decipher those things?
Life can be complicated. And sometimes people will come up with all sorts of logical reasons why they can't invest right now, why they need to take a break, why they, you know, whatever logistical difficulties there are in the two of you being together, you're far apart, that person runs their own business and they haven't got much time. whatever it may be, they may be giving you logically sound reasons as to why they're not able to give you what you want or why they would be doing this. And then what happens is people get entangled in all of that logic. And I think the way to simplify that and make it uncomplicated is simply to say whether or not this logic is true is not for me to figure out. So many women take on the problem. You tell me it can't work out because of these reasons, and I see a problem to solve. So they'll go, so you're saying that we can't be together because you're really busy with work. Well, listen, I could do this and you could do that, and we could find time on weekends. They'd start trying to solve the problem, and part of that is because they've created an expectation in their mind for what this could be, right? We have a story. Story is very dangerous, right? Because instead of watching in a relationship or dating scenario, instead of watching a story unfold, we've created the story before it's happened. People do this before they even get on a first date, right? You see someone, someone asks you out, you start talking to someone, and then you look them up on Instagram and, oh, wow. oh, they're really cool. Oh, they're impressive. Oh, they seem nice, too. Oh, they have family and they're close to those people and, like, they have a good life. And, wow, this is exactly the kind of person I want. I think you, me and this person could really have some. You haven't even built a date with them yet, right? So now what happens is our mind takes the five percent of what we know and uses it to build a story for the next 95%. So now. How do you get, how do we get so damaged, so hurt, so heartbroken, so quickly? That's something that we're like, sometimes I think we shock ourselves. Am I an insane person? I've been on one date with this person and I feel like I'm experiencing a mini heartbreak because they didn't get back to me. What's happening here? What's happening is we created a story that hasn't been earned yet. Why do we do that though? Because we want it. On one hand, we want it. We want it to happen. We're a biased judge of the situation. We can't be trusted. We want it to happen. So we're trying to find any evidence for that story that we're looking to create. I want to find the love of my life. I want to see someone as perfect. I want to... So we're looking for evidence of that. So we start filling in the gaps. And our brains, it's not like we do this consciously, but our brains make so many calculations. And we do it in the other direction too. We do it, you know, if we've got insecurities and someone goes out one night and they don't text us for an hour or two. Who are they talking to? They're at that party, you know, and I knew they were gonna go to that party, but now that they've not texted me for a couple of hours, they're talking to someone attractive. I wonder if they're flirting. Maybe that, I think they're flirting. Two and a half hours, they still haven't texted me. What the hell? Now we start building up a story. Right? And we create this reaction. I heard a beautiful thing the other day, which is if the reaction is hysterical, then it's historical. Then it comes from our trauma, our wounds, our history, the beliefs that accumulated over time. So now what we're reacting to is not the situation, but our past. The situation is simply the thing that aggravated our past. And now we create a story about the future based on that. So instead of going in with a curiosity, we go in with a conclusion. So I need to slow down the story that's happening. This supercomputer is amazing, but it's also extremely dangerous because it is creating a story at a rate that is unbelievable. And the way that you slow down that story is that you start valuing a different thing. Instead of valuing potential, you start valuing the work that's actually happening in real time. I always say there's four stages of importance in any relationship or potential relationship between two people.
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The first stage is just admiration, right? That's where I look at you. This person is beautiful. This person's intelligent. This person's... They've got all sorts of qualities that I really want in a person. Admiration. Now, that doesn't mean there's any kind of back and forth. By the way, you can have that for someone you've never met, someone you saw online, right? But you have a level of admiration. That's the first stage of importance, clearly not very important. Although even there, people put a ton of importance on it. I found someone I like.
It's so cool. You found a person.
You found a person.
Isn't it also good to be excited?
You can be excited, but about the right thing. You could be excited that you think someone's awesome, but not about what you have together yet, because you have nothing together. Admiration is the first stage. The second stage is connection, or you could say connection or chemistry or both. That's where we have a kind of mutual admiration. There's some connection, there's some chemistry, there's something that's an exchange between us where we both feel something. Again, not very important because you can feel it with a lot of people and that it's no indicator of investment. And this is where people get real caught up. Women tell me the most horrific stories about who a guy is, about how little he invests, about how much he's disrespectful, but we have such a great connection that... Listen, our connection, that's the thing. And they want me to buy into this idea that stage two is super important. But I don't, because I know it's not. The third stage is commitment. The third stage is there's admiration, there's mutual connection or chemistry, and there's a yes. You and I have actually said yes to each other. You wanna be with me? Yeah, I wanna be with you. Okay, we're doing this. Now there's an actual commitment. That's beautiful. Now we're into something important. But there's a fourth stage, and the fourth stage is compatibility. beyond chemistry, beyond connection, beyond us both saying yes, there also needs to be compatibility in the way we want to live our lives, in the stage of our lives that we're in. Do they work? You know, this is why one of the reasons that relationships with big age gaps can struggle. They can work, but they also struggle because you've got two people often in very different stages of their lives, and there's a compatibility issue. there, even though there's connection and chemistry, and even though they're both saying yes, now you have the problem of compatibility issues. Or you have the problem of compatibility issues because one person, their idea of a good time is going out and drinking every night of the week, and another person's idea is to go on hikes and to be healthy and to they value the morning, the other person values the night. So now you have a compatibility issue, and there are many relationships that end not on the fact that they haven't said yes to each other, But on the fact that they're not compatible. And we always wanna believe that, you know, love is all you need, right? We wanna believe that if we just love each other enough, but actually, many, many people have experienced in their lives, the cold, hard truth is that you need two people who also work together. And so the reason I say all of this about these four stages, and to give you one more kind of metaphor for this, 'cause it's important, that When you meet someone on a date, that's like discovering that, and you both like each other. That's like discovering a great plot of land. Has potential, but there's nothing to mourn over right now. And when two people decide we're going to start investing, that's like two builders who start building a castle on that land. They start building whatever their castle is. But they start building this amazing thing, this amazing investment on this land, and it becomes theirs. becomes ornate and unique, and there are secret rooms no one else knows about, and there are, you know, all these details that are the fabric and the colors and the textures of their relationship that makes it uniquely theirs, right? There's many ways to build, but this one is theirs, and that's what makes it special. People are not valuing the castle, they're valuing the connection. They're not valuing stages one through four together, they're valuing stage two. or stage one, I've just admired this person, or I just have a connection with this person. And when we start valuing the castle over the connection, we'll start unwinding the story that's gotten too far ahead, because we'll realize that story we have on the date where our mind has gone way too far. And that's, by the way, why we get so nervous, is because the story is already happening in our mind, and now we're getting nervous. Why am I so nervous on this date? It's okay to have a little bit of nerves, but why am I now paralyzed? I can't be funny. I'm not charming. I'm not telling any interesting stories. I'm just frozen. Why am I that nervous? Because I've gone way into the future as if the castle's already been built, when actually all it is is a fantasy set of blueprints right now.
Wow, that's so on point and so beautifully said. and I agree with it 100. And then, actually, one thing I wanted to ask you is, do you think that we need to maintain all of those steps throughout our relationship? So always maintaining the attraction, the commitment.
Well, and the, and the compatibility. I think that there's in any relationship, it's, you know, anytime I post something that suggests that you could, you should continue in your relationship working to impress your partner. I get backlash.
Yeah.
Every time. Oh, my God. It's just. Why does it have to be so much work? And I always think, what world are you living in where things aren't work? I don't know what this is. I have a company. I've had that company for the last 14 years. I know that the day I stop caring about it is the day that it will start. losing its value. Now, maybe I find somebody else to be the custodian of it and to take care of it, and they love it as much as I do, and fine. But when someone stops giving it love, it will begin its death, its slow decline. That's true of our bodies. Why isn't it true of our relationships? And part of people's frustration is that They are really deeply unhappy with what they're getting, but they haven't found the courage to go find something else or to value themselves more. So there's deep-seated frustration at being in an untenable position where they also don't have the courage to move or the deep self-worth to move. to go do something else. So now, every day, I'm going through this slow torture. I don't want to leave, but I'm not getting what I want here. I've invested too much time. I've invested too much energy. And that's where the sunk cost bias comes in. I've spent all this time. And then they do what I call the one-day wager. One day, one day, someone will become what I want them to be. He says he doesn't want to commit right now. He says he doesn't want kids. He says, but one day, you know, he never has time for me. It's all business. He never has time. But one day, you have to assume that who they are today is who they'll be. And you're thinking five years from now, they're going to be a completely different person. And that's the thing you're you're banking on for your happiness, that's the one day wager.
Good, I love that so much. I wanna ask you something 'cause you were saying about someone, you know, people saying, I don't want to commit or I'm not interested. How do you know when something's actually true or not true? Because you did a video that basically was like when a guy, you know, when you were at dinner on a first date or something and the guy says to you like, oh, so how come you're not, you know, how come you're single? And then you give examples of what they really mean. And at the end, you end it on, yeah, I'm not looking for a really a serious relationship. And the takeaway is he actually means that. So how on earth, right? Like, even what you were saying, like, but one day he will, one day he will. How do you know?
I'm gonna tell you, you're gonna love this. Okay, please. You're gonna absolutely love this. And by the way, for anyone who wants to watch that video, it's called what he means versus what he says. And it's on my YouTube channel. Here's the rule. If someone is telling you something that would make their life more difficult to tell you, then it's probably true. We'll say all sorts of things in service of our pitch. What's the pitch in dating? For a lot of guys, what's the pitch? The pitch is, I would like to sleep with you.
That's a pitch.
That's what I'd like to happen. I'd like for us to sleep together. And if I like you enough, I'd like for us to have something more or whatever. But right now, we're on a date. I find you attractive. So anything someone says that helps their pitch, we don't know enough right now. All we know is we don't know enough to distrust them either. All we know is that just that, you know, I I could take at face value what you're telling me right now, but that doesn't mean that after one day, I'd make a whole bunch of decisions in my life based on this moment. I take you at your word right now, but I'll also see how this unfolds and whether it goes in that direction. By the way, that's general principle for anything, right? But if someone is telling you, something that isn't good for their pitch. That means it took some effort to say. That means it really took a lot of, you know, what Sean Aker calls activation energy and the happiness advantage. It takes a lot of activation energy to do that. At the end of a pharmaceutical ad, no pharmaceutical company wants to put all of those disclaimers, you know, such and such that we've just, you know, shown you pictures. We've just shown you footage of old people skipping around a meadow, able to run and jump and dance and sing again. But also, reminder, this may make you so depressed you'll kill yourself, right? No one wants to put that part in the ad. If they had the choice, they wouldn't put that in the ad. So you know the part you can trust, if nothing else. I may not be able to trust everything you're saying this drug can do, but what I can trust is these side effects that you're saying it might give me. I know that because you didn't wanna tell me that, and you told me that. So when a guy on a date says, I'm not looking for anything serious, you can trust that he's either A, definitely not looking for something serious, or he thinks that there's a very good chance that he's gonna end up hurting you because he's done it a bunch of times in the past, and he's kind of sick of being called the villain for leading people on. And so now he's establishing very quickly, I wanna see you again. And by the way, that doesn't make him a bad person. It makes him more honest than most. But when he says that, he's saying, I don't wanna be the villain again. And I don't want you to keep going thinking this is gonna go somewhere. So just so you know, probably it's not. When he says that, you can trust it because it doesn't help him sleep with you. It doesn't make it more likely you're gonna sleep with him tonight when he says, I probably won't call. So those things, when someone says something that hurts their pitch, that hurts their motives, that hurts their, Endgame, you can believe that part.
That's so strong. Oh my God, I love that so much. Give me a couple of the things that you can trust that a guy does or signals that a guy does that shows you they actually do like you.
Well, you can look, how much is this person truly interested in me? Are they asking me, are they genuinely curious about me, my values? what I like, what I don't like, what I'm into. Because that's a sign not only that he's taking the emphasis off of himself, it's easy. Anyone who's achieved anything can sit there and talk about all they've achieved and reel off their stories about how this hard time in my life and this thing and that thing. That's not a bad thing, but it doesn't tell you that they're genuinely curious about you. And when someone has real intention in dating, they are looking for a real match. They're not looking for you to be impressed. They want you to be impressed. Of course, I got a secured deal. I got to land the account. But is it the right account? Yeah. Do I actually want this person? Is this the right person for a relationship? When someone is being intentional about dating, they are asking intentional questions about who you are and what you're all about because they're trying to figure out I'm trying to use my time wisely right now. Is this someone I want to invest more in? So that's one of the things to look for if you're looking for someone intentional. And again, look for those moments where someone actually invests. Are they willing to come to my part of town? Or is it always about coming to... Is it always the thing with the lowest activation energy? for them? Are they making any kind of a sacrifice? Is the effort equal? When I look at our text message chains, are they actually equal? Or am I in the blue? It's like big chunks of blue and then a little line of gray where they gave me a quick response. You have to look at these things because these are the things that tell you you know, oh, there's a genuine back and forth of investment.
Yeah. Oh, God, I so wish I would have found you when I was 16, because I was definitely that person that would go on a date and was like, oh, he said he liked me. He said he was gonna call me back. So I would just take them for their word. And I love you did a post where you laid out like, look, if they wanna go to the movies after sex, it means they're interested. If they call you and they've had a shitty day and they call you to tell you about their day, but also reading into, okay, going back to even what you said right at the beginning, does their actions align with their words? All right guys, we'll be right back with our convo with Kendra, but first, can we talk about what's really wrecking our confidence? It may not be the outfit, it may not be the lighting, it's the exhaustion. It's waking up after a full night's sleep and still feeling like an utter zombie. Your mind is foggy, your energy is completely shot, and you're suddenly second-guessing everything from the way you show up to the way that you communicate with your friends and your partner. everything in your life. And let's be honest, you end up snapping at people that you love, you end up cancelling plans, you start playing small because you just don't have the capacity. And deep down you're wondering, is this my life? But that's not just you being tired. That's actually a sign that your body's not getting what it needs to recover. And that's where magnesium breakthrough from BiOptimizers comes in. It's not just one form of magnesium, it's actually seven. all working together to help you sleep deeper, feel calmer, and finally wake up feeling like the badass that you wanna be. So if you find yourself just dragging yourself through the day to make it through and pretending that you're just fine, you don't have to. So go to buyoptimizers.com/impact and use code IMPACT for 10% off. Go and reclaim your confidence. Now, let's get back to the show. NASCAR is coming to Richmond Raceway this.
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And tanks and bodysuits with a line's iconic stretch? You won't want to take it off, and with endless style options, you don't have to. Shop in store or online at lululemon.com and as you say, it's not It's not about, like, we have this real idea of heroes and villains that we need to let go of. It's not about that. It's just, there are some really terrible guys out there. There are. But a lot of people, their intentions aren't bad. They're just different from yours. And one of the mistakes I see people make a lot, I don't think men have a reputation for being liars. I think most, some men are pathological liars, and a lot of men aren't liars. They're just great avoiders. They don't bring up the thing that's unhelpful to bring up. They don't bring up the thing that's inconvenient or that would be painful to have a conversation about. And the reason I make that distinction is because a liar, you'll ask them a question and they'll tell you a lie. An avoider We'll avoid the conversation, but when you ask the question, you'll often get truth. And so people have to be brave enough, and this is for anyone, but if we're talking about women, women have to be brave enough to ask questions that they're afraid of the answers to. But your fear of the answer is going to put you in the way of so much more pain than the pain of the answer you're afraid of. Because now you have a woman who's a year in, two years in, three years in, and continuing with this situation that is meeting some needs, but not nearly enough to feed her soul, to make her happy, to nourish her. And she's now not asking the question anymore because it becomes higher and higher stakes. It gets more and more scary to ask because the answer might now show me the last three years of my life were energy misdirected towards a person who shouldn't have had that energy. And he's not having the conversation because, I mean, it's easier for him not to, right? And he can claim ignorance because she's not asking me and I don't, you know, I'm not doing anything technically wrong. I don't see us as long term. I don't see us as ever having a family. I don't see us as ever moving in together. I don't see this as the great relationship of my life. But she's not asking. So let's just keep enjoying ourselves, right? So you now have this complicit kind of toxic situation between two people. And it may not be toxic in the sense that they're butting heads or that they're having a bad time. They could be having the best time ever. And that's the problem. They're having the greatest time. And that's fine. You can just have a great time. But when you know that you're telling yourself you're having a great time, but there is deep insecurity in you, because ultimately you have no idea if this is real, if you two are actually on the same path here. Now you begin conning yourself. And now that great time that you have and that connection that you have, the stage two, that becomes the great kind of the blanket we put over everything to hide what's underneath, which is that you and I have very different ideas about where this is going. I want a family and you don't. I know I want to marry you and you are seeing this as just at something nice for this point in your life. We have to have the courage to ask those difficult questions, to say to someone, and it doesn't have to be aggressive. It could be very loving. can be extremely compassionate, extremely kind. How do you see this? You know, I really like you. Or, you know, I love you. You know, I'm in love with you. And that makes me excited about what we could have, but not if we're not on the same page. Where, you know, where do you stand with it? Or if it's earlier in dating and you're trying to figure out, you know, you don't even know if you're exclusive or not. Hey, I really like you and I want to give my attention to you. I have other people asking me out and right now, I don't really know what to tell them. And I don't mean to make things heavy, but I just want to know if you feel the same way because right now I'm in a mode where I just want to give my attention to you and I would rather say to people, no, I'm seeing somebody. How do you feel about it? It's a loving, compassionate way to bring it up. It's also there's a little, there's some stuff going on there too, because even though it's honest, right, there will be other people asking you out and you don't know what to tell them. You're also introducing an element of like, I'm not going to be around forever.
Why?
So that is, and I always say to people, be kind in your tone, but ruthless in your actions. Be kind in your tone, but ruthless in your actions. Kind in your tone is I'm going to be loving and compassionate. I'm not going to compromise how great I am and the beautiful energy that I have by having an angry conversation with you about this. I'm going to be super kind and loving, and I care about you too. So, I'm going to, I want the best for you too. But I know that I'm going to be, if you tell me that we're not on the same page, Then I'm gonna be ruthless in my response to that. Not in my tone, but in my response, which is to find a path that's better for me and to not indulge something that is making me unhappy or not worthy of my time.
Yeah, actually to me, I realized in my relationship, it's worse for me to wonder than to ask and actually get the truth. And the reason being is that at least even if the truth stings more, I can do something about it. or choose to not do something about it. But at least I know. The wondering to me is there's no end in sight, there is no release valve. So I'm such an advocate for asking the hard questions. So much to the point that me and my husband, Ro, I think it's a list of like 20 questions and it's order of ease. So towards the bottom, it gets very hard to ask each other the questions. And if anyone's watching one, they can click on the link below, I'll put the link in. But like the second to last question, maybe the last question is, what did you want in a partner that I don't have? And another question is, what did I... 'Cause me and my husband have been together for a long time. Such a brave question. And then the other question, 'cause we've been together for a long time, it was, what was I... Did I used to do for you, but don't do for you now that you wish I did?
Wow, what a powerful question.
You have to go in with just emotionally sober.
That's an amazing question. I love that question. That's an amazing question.
And we answered it honestly. And his answer was, I used to take care of him. I was a housewife for eight years and, you know, before I was in business. And I used to put his clothes out for him every day. And I used to make him food every day. And he was like, yeah, I really love that. He's like, I understand why you don't do it. So he's not saying you should do this now. But he's like, you've asked me the honest question. What do I wish I still had? It was that you would take care of me like you used to. And so it didn't mean I had to act on it. Instead of pushing back or making him feel badly about it or feeling badly about it, I recognize it's a choice I've made. So I've made to not. I've made the choice to not do that. I've made the choice to be into business. But actually, if that's something that's really important to him, is there a wiggle room for me? Is there something that I'm just not seeing here? So now what I do is every weekend I cook him his favorite meals.
That's lovely.
Wow. And so now I've heard the answer. I'm not gonna do it. Like I didn't go, oh, okay, well in that case, babe, I'm gonna quit everything and just go back to what I used to be. But I heard him.
But it gives you, you know, without returning to that, lifestyle and that dynamic, it also does give you a tool. It gives you a superpower. Because knowing that that has a profound effect when it's done is like now you could turn on that superpower anytime if you wanted to, on your terms. But to know what someone's buttons are, to know what our partners, like those attraction switches are, or to know what those love switches are, is really, really powerful. And the answer is the hard question, the uncomfortable conversation lasts an hour, maybe five minutes. The knowledge, the answer you have for the rest of your relationship.
Yeah, and I like even approaching conversations with the words, Look, this is actually really uncomfortable for me to say, ask, whatever. So bear with me for a second. I kind of do do these caveats so that Because I just put myself in that person's shoes. If they were approaching me like that, you would have empathy and openness to listen to what they have to say, even if what they say is hard to hear.
And the humility of saying, is there anything from your perspective that you want me to work on? Or is there anything that I'm not, you know, here's the thing I need to bring up with you, but I also want to know if there's anything If there's a way that I'm not showing up in the way that you would like, I want to hear that too. That's a hard thing. It's very easy for us to go and say something we don't like, but to also invite them to the table to have an equal say about what they don't like. That's the hard part. I think when we do that, we're showing we're not coming from a place of a pedestal where you're doing everything wrong, but it's actually we're a team. And also, my father Steve, on my retreat program, he does an entire module on confrontation. And one of the really valuable lessons he talks about in that is this idea that what gives you the money in the bank to go and have a difficult conversation with someone is what you've been doing in the weeks leading up to it. or the months leading up to it. That if I speak to one of my staff and I say, Dan, what you did yesterday really, really pissed me off. I'm so unhappy with it and I'm unhappy with it for these reasons. If Dan has learned many times over that my intention is good with him, that I take care of him, that I go out of my way to praise him, that I go out of my way to help him. Then when I have that conversation, he knows it's not coming from a place of trying to wound him or say something. It's coming from a good place, especially if afterwards I say, we've had the conversation, it's done. Let's move on. That also, what I'm doing there is I'm setting up a productive conversation the next time there's something like that. Because I'm showing you that when we have one of these things, it's contained. to this thing. And when it's done, it's done. When it's dealt with, it's dealt with. And you can expect that the next time I bring up something that I don't like, but someone understanding your intention and your kindness from what you do generally with them, that's what gives you the permission to go in with firmness in that moment when you need to say something you don't like. You have the credits in the bank. because of who you are the rest of the time.
I love that earning a reputation, right? Over time, your reputation will be what it is. And so if someone has, if multiple people are saying your reputation is you're really open and you're really honest, and it's like, okay, the next time I say something, if it really hurts or stings, then just know that my reputation is that I'm open and honest and kind. And so I do that with Tom 100%. Like, if he said something to me that I feel is disrespectful or hurtful or like, oh my God, I can't believe he said that. I just go to, okay, I've been with a man 20 years. What do I know about him? He loves me more than life itself. He's proven it time and time and time and time again. So why right now with that one thing that he said, does that eliminate 20 freaking years of him proving that he actually cares about me and that he means good?
And who he's been with you the whole time is what gives him the credits in the bank.
Yes.
That's what when you have that conversation, you're able to weigh that up against the pain of that conversation and this wins.
Yeah. Oh my God, I could literally talk to you forever. I love your message. I love what you're doing towards women. I think that knowledge is power. I keep saying it. So I love that you give incredible tactical advice. Where can people find you and just all the amazing stuff that you're doing?
So one thing I think that people will find really useful is, especially in these times, I know a lot of people want to meet somebody they want more success in their love lives. I have a little free guide that people can download, and it gives them three habits that make their love life more successful, that are gonna hasten the point at which they'll meet someone special. So, that's at 3lovehabits.com, and other than that, come follow me on Instagram. I'm @themathewhussy, and, you know, we We have a bunch of programs and we have a retreat that we do twice a year and all these things people can do. But we have this amazing online community and I do free videos every week. So even if people never buy one of my programs, just come and watch the free videos, whether it's on YouTube or Instagram or Facebook.
That's awesome. Guys, guys, I've had so much freaking fun with him. You can guarantee I'm going to make sure that he sits on that chair again to give us such fire advice. If you're not following me, follow me @LisaBilyew. And if you're not subscribed, guys, and this episode did bring you value, click that subscribe button down down there. And until next time, be the hero of your own life. Peace out. All right, ladies, let's talk about something that's so important in all of our women's lives, but we don't talk enough about it. It's about sex. Yes, that's right. Let's talk about sex, baby, and the importance of having it in your relationship. Because intimacy is the thing that's going to honestly be a part of what keeps you connected. It isn't everything, but it absolutely is imperative, in my opinion, that you need it in a relationship. Now, the problem is, as we start to age, you sometimes end up having less sex because it's uncomfortable or it's painful. And then when that happens, you then get embarrassed about your body and it's changing that you end up not saying anything. All you do is put on more layers of clothes to hide it all. Now, my homie, I'm 45. I get it. We need to absolutely make sure that we are talking about sexual health and the importance of it and the struggles that we have. Now, we need to stop thinking about these things as bad. That's one one thing that we just gotta stop is judging our bodies for changing and aging. But what we can start doing is start talking and looking at things like lube and personal massages as reading glasses, if you will. It's inevitable, it's necessary, and it's helpful. And that's why, guys, I'm so thrilled to introduce you to Taboo. Through science-backed methods, yes, I'm obsessed with science, with their science-backed methods to address underlying causes of pain, dryness, low libido, and more, Taboo has actually helped tens of thousands of us women enjoy sex again. Thanks Taboo. And a whopping 76% of women using Taboo products actually feel more confident just from having fun, painful free sex again, which is actually freaking amazing. And the whole point. So ladies, go and get 15% off your first order at heytaboo.com/Lisa or click the link in the show notes. That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-U. .com slash Lisa for 15 off your first order with Taboo. If you work as a manufacturing facilities engineer, installing a new piece of equipment can be as complex as the Machinery itself.
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