What If I Love Him But The Sexual Spark Is Gone?

It's not just you wonder why you're less attracted to them because they're in their pajamas all the time, literally or you know, metaphorically. It's also that you are welcome everybody to the Love Life Podcast with the Jams crew. Jameson, Audrey, Stephen and me.

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We are answering a listener question today. This one is from Ala and she emailed in to our email address for the podcast podcasty.com a question about losing the spark in her relationship if you are currently in a situation with somebody where maybe there was never that chemistry and you're wondering whether you've made a mistake by staying in something where there wasn't chemistry in the first place or or you felt it early on and it started to fade, or maybe you feel like you've lost that spark altogether and you're wondering what to do about that. That is what this question addresses. I think you're really going to enjoy the conversation that comes afterwards. There's a lot of different perspectives and there's a lot of really practical advice thrown in. So enjoy this episode. And if you want to email us your question for a future episode, send it to podcastathewhussey.com this listener is Allah and Stephen, will you do the honors?

Hi Matt and co. Love your podcast. I listened to the episode why aren't you attracted to him? And I found it very relevant to me, especially the part about fixing my brain. I am with an amazing guy who is kind, generous and makes me feel special, but I am lacking a sexual spark. We have been together for a while now and I'm very torn if it's an effect of a long term relationship or if I fell out of love. How do you tell the difference? I know it is challenging to keep the spark alive, but the sexual chemistry is a must for me in the relationship. Thank you. And I forgot to mention that I went and bought a pumpkin spice latte after listening to the episode even though I live in Sydney, Australia and it's the middle of spring here. Regards Allah.

That's a real matte move.

I like that Australia still does pumpkin spice lattes on the schedule of the rest of the world, even though their season is different.

It's a Halloween thing, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right. Well, it's also a full thing. Pumpkins are more of a full thing. I feel like that's become. What's the word? Deracinated from its original association there.

Good word, good French word.

Didn't know that was a French word.

I suppose pumpkins have become synonymous with Halloween.

I remember Matt, when we were in Australia and it was very, very hot in December and it felt very weird for us because it was Christmas right around the corner and it was blazing hot and there were all these adverts for like shrimp barbecue at Christmas. It's like, enjoy your Christmas with a.

Lovely shrimp barbecue, barbecues on the beach. Yeah, yeah, it's really interesting. Well, I Allah, thank you for your email. You know, I was trying to see if anywhere in your email you had said you started attracted to him but then lost it and correct me if I'm wrong, anyone, but did I feel like she didn't actually say anywhere that she was attracted to him in the beginning?

No, but I think it's implied by saying that she is torn whether it is an effect of a long term relationship or whether she has fallen out of love. So she's been with him for a long time and she's wondering whether that's why. So I do think you think she.

Had it in the beginning?

I think so. I think so. I think, I think it was fine in the beginning, but now it's been a while and she's no longer feeling sexually attracted in that way.

What do you think about that?

I think it's quite common for that to happen. It's really difficult because I'm no expert on sort of like I don't know how long her relationship is but how, how to keep the spark alive in a 20 year marriage or in a really long term relationship. But I think if people, you know, with, with sex and intimacy, I sort of feel like it's something that has to be nurtured along the way and it's something that it's quite a sort of delicate ecosystem and it's something that you have to put effort into all the time and you have to almost put, you know, significantly more effort into it as you go on. Because in the beginning you have all the dopamine and the hormones basically just making you like making it so effortless and easy and obviously over time they get replaced with different hormones. You Just you become more sort of loving and you nest a little bit more. And I think those kinds of urges aren't as prominent. But I think that you, you know, having regular intimacy like daily or every couple of days, it doesn't mean you have to have sex every day. But I think having daily kind of intimate contacts and sexual contact of some form allow for your relationship to continue down that track. And I, and sometimes I think that the reason this is really common is that over time you become complacent and you do it less and less and less. And the act of doing it less means that you really kind of fracture yourself from that person sexually and, and then it becomes really difficult to tell the difference. So for me reading that and not knowing a ton of information on it, my advice would be that if she's not sure, she should find out. And maybe the way to find out is to have a conversation with him and explain that she would like them to be more intimate and she misses the intimacy. And then they can go on a kind of 30 day journey together where they commit to, you know, whether it's three times a week or every day or whatever they can manage. They say, they say like we're gonna actually try and proactively be intimate X amount of times and then see if that sort of kick starts it back a little bit. And it might be that in the beginning she's not feeling it or, or it might be that after 15 days she's really not feeling it. And then you probably have your answer. But I think that if there is any hope for it to be revived and it isn't that she's fallen out of love and attraction with him, that could be the thing that revives it.

I want to add something to that, which is that you, we all have to kind of learn to be a bit of an expert on what turns us on and, and pay attention to the things that do and then drop giant honking clues to your partner about what those things are on a regular basis and make sure that they're doing those things. And it's, you know, we so much as of losing the spark to me is we stop listening. We stop listening to part of it is proximity and we just get very close. And when you're around someone all the time, it's just easy to lose the spark, isn't it? It's easy to go, you know, to get dull on anything that you're around too much all the time. You can lose that thing that makes it feel special and mysterious and even Challenging. You know, I lose that, that element of wanting to grab onto something. If it's always in your lap, there's nothing to grab onto. So some of it is proximity, but it's also, we stop listening to each other. You know, we gradually start to, you know, when we get into a relationship, we started by going on dates and getting dressed up for each other. And at a certain point you stopped doing that. And. And it's not just you wonder why you're less attracted to them because they're in their pajamas all the time, literally, or, you know, metaphorically. It's also that you are. And when we're in our pajamas, we don't feel sexy either. You know, the very act of getting dressed up and going on a date and feeling a certain way makes us want to have sex more. And sometimes we stop doing that when we feel like we can stop trying. So there's part of it that we need to try more and put ourselves in a sexy mood and a sexy mindset. Part of it is dropping clues as to how they can do it more and what they can do. If you notice, like, oh, weirdly these days I kind of am attracted to this kind of outfit or to when you do this, or there was some weird thing you did the other day that caught me off guard and was kind of interesting. Follow that and encourage it in the other person. Don't expect them to be a mind reader. Don't expect them to figure out three years into a relationship how to newly turn you on. Learn how to learn what newly turns you on. And then find tactful ways to get them doing those things, dressing that way, you know, encourage those little behaviors or those, those surprising things they can do. And that's a real gift to your partner. And it's tight. And what it does is it takes responsibility for bringing that sexuality and that spark and that chemistry back into the relationship. And if after some time of doing that, you realize that, wow, you really have just become friends, then that's a different story. You can address what that means and whether that's something that is tenable for you long term or not. But, but I would say that take responsibility first for bringing that element back into the relationship instead of hoping that it will change on its own. And then if it's not working, you can assess the bigger decisions.

Yeah, I think if you're, if you're truly wondering if you should end it, then it's worth experimenting quite a bit first. Like, go ahead and throw some Hail Marys. I mean, yeah, I Think I three quick pieces of advice. One is work out with your partner or alone, but make sure he knows that you're working out.

That's such good advice.

If you go to the gym together but do your separate things. But to be seen improving yourself separately can just be. He can be looking at you from a distance and be kind of turned on, or you're just feeling a little bit better about yourself, you might be a little bit more turned on.

There's also, I think, just literally a, a chemical effect that you work out. And it just, you know, boosts testosterone. And it just, you know, it, it just the act of working out itself. What it does physiologically to us primes us to, to be more in that gear.

100%. If it, it might even out your hormones, but it might for him, for a guy who's in a long term relationship, he might need a boost of testosterone. If he takes a boxing, boxing class or something, it might help him out. And it's funny because we just did a, we just did an episode about porn and we said that. We pretty much said like, probably should, could get by with less porn. But if you're gonna throw Hail Mary, why not just like, okay, introduce a little bit of porn and see if there's something there. If you guys watch it together, if it's like a category of like, it doesn't have to be a BDSM or awful intense category. It could be like real couples having sex and see if that does. I mean, this guy's probably like still masturbating, I assume, if it's not just a pure sex drive thing. And again, maybe you'll find out there too, if he's really not interested in sex, maybe that's your Hail Mary decision. Or what you find out.

I like that concept of, at a certain point, why not be more experimental? Because what do you have to lose? Even if it surprises someone and they're like, whoa, like that, that may initially catch them off guard and it might even make them a bit defensive, but it also reintroduces a sense of mystery into the relationship too. And that, that in itself can be an aphrodisiac. To be like, well, I feel like I know you a little less today.

And if you're going to end up having these conversations that you're talking about Audrey, that might be a good way to get into it. Because instead of just starting with like, let's get intimate and discuss our intimacy issues and let's set a schedule to try to have sex once a day. Or three times a week or whatever the schedule is, that's not very sexy. I think if it starts with like, a Hail Mary and that gets the conversation going, like, oh, that was kind of, like, fun and different. Like, yeah, we should. We aren't, like, actually doing this the same way we used to wear. I don't know. Do you want to, like, do this again sometime? I don't know. I'm just open to it. And then you can begin those conversations rather than, you know, making it a little bit clinical about these decisions.

I. I totally agree. I also want to, like. I think it's important to address how, you know, if. If the sex isn't going well between two people. There's. My friends and I used to call it the sexy elephant in the room. We coined it years ago because it's like this real thing where, you know, if you're not having sex or you're not enjoying sex or whatever, and you're both kind of aware of it because both. Both parties are. You know, if it's like you used to have sex every day and now you do it once a month, like, no one's unaware of that, it becomes this elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about because it's awkward, it's embarrassing, you don't want to hurt feelings, and it just becomes this really very toxic thing. Actually, that's unaddressed.

More than hurt feelings, it kind of becomes this complicit thing. Like, neither of us are in that mood, so, like, we're both not mentioning it because it serves us to not mention it.

Yeah. Or one person's not in a mood and the other person has been rejected one too many times to keep trying. And I think that, you know, it's really important not to let that. Because that's a very insidious thing in relationships that happens. And I think you're totally right, Jay. Like, the communication needs to be light. It can't be like scheduling daily sex at 6pm Meet me there so we can have our 20 minutes daily sex. Obviously, that's not right, but I do think opening up communication, if you're in a committed relationship where you really, really love the person instead of making it this kind of secret. Like I said, the sexy elephant in the room, opening it up in a way where you are going, I want us to have more sex. You know, I really miss that. We used to have sex all the time. I really miss that. Like, you know, I think we should try this. I think we should do that. It's as long as it's coming from a playful, adventurous, excited place. I think these conversations are really important because they're. It's important to state that it's not happening because you almost. The moment you communicate it, that breaks down, and that's a really good thing. So I think that's just. I just can imagine in that situation half of the problem being that nobody wants to talk about the fact that no one's having sex. And then it becomes the bigger problem of the relationship, and then no sex happens. And then it just grows and grows and grows, and that's. Over time, it just becomes irreparable.

I just say maybe try a couple Hail Marys before that. Hail Mary too. Because so much of. I mean, you're gonna get. You just get in your head about it, right? And, like, so much of sex is the best sex. You're not really thinking about it, you know? And how are you gonna not think about that pink, sexy elephant in the room? If I'm just talking about the. If I mention the pink, sexy elephant in the room.

No, you don't say, there's a sexy elephant in the room. Pink elephant in the elephant.

I also would say it's an un. Surely it's an unsexy elephant.

Actually, no, we used to say. We used, like, come along and, like, swing his trunk and be like.

Well.

That sounds like a good thing.

Yeah. This is more of a cockblocking elephant.

Yeah. Is someone having an affair with the elephant?

No. No. It's because it's like the elephant is sexy and it's in the room and it's the thing you're not having, so it's, like, standing out to you.

I feel like if an elephant was that sexy, you'd want to talk about it. I feel like the elephant in the room is sort of like. It's more of an eeyore that we're like, we don't want to talk about this because this is not going well.

You're missing the point. You're missing the point.

No, but I would just. I would say be a little bit. Guys, egos are so wrapped up into this. If you suddenly bring up the fact, like, oh, yeah, I'm not satisfied in the bedroom. Let's now satisfy me in the bedroom. He's going to be like, oh, shit in his head. He's going to not be able to think too much about me.

No, I agree. But I do think saying, like, oh, like, I. Do you remember when we did this? Like, it was so fun. I miss. And you know, you can be in that moment, you can touch them and you can almost be very much like you try and almost stoke the fire and the flames a little bit. Because I think that. I guess my point. I totally agree with you, Jay. There's like so many wrong ways to bring it up that will absolutely hinder and like damage the whole thing further. But I do think, and I'm speaking more in terms of her question, which is very much. I'm trying to identify whether the sexual spark is gone forever and I've fallen out of love or whether there's something I can do about it. Right. And I sometimes think if she's got in her head about the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with him, half of that will be because she hasn't been able to communicate that to him in any way. So throwing Hail Mary's, if she's the one who doesn't fancy it might actually be like, it's, it's. It's a good idea and I think she should do it. But I think almost kind of getting. Eliminating the fear and the. And all of the kind of the heaviness that she's feeling around it and having a real connected conversation about it that isn't serious and that isn't doing that. Just more from a kind of looking back and going like, you know, that was really fun. I want to do that again. I really miss that. I think that's a really. That creates intimacy and it's. Communication is at the heart of every functioning couple in every department.

Well, I think it's somewhere between the two. Right. Communication is super important. And, and in your case, you're saying you could look backwards and reference things you've enjoyed doing before and you miss it and you want to do it again. You could also look forwards and say, here's something I'd love to try with you, or this is something that's like on my mind as a fantasy with you. I'd love to do it. What is your fantasy? That's all a version of communication. It's just about the communication that doesn't wreck someone's ego in the process. And I think both points are true.

I do think though, that. And I agree with you, but I do think that if she's the one who's struggling, I don't know how he is feeling. But if she's the one who's struggling to want to do it, he needs to know that to a degree, there's obviously he doesn't need to know that it's in its entirety because that would be really damaging. But it is up to him to have that information so he can fix it too, rather than her constantly being like, let's try this, let's try that when she's not in the mood for it, because that's actually going to be further detrimental. It needs to be something where they work together on it, I think.

Yeah, you. Yes, I agree. But she's got to be so careful, because if she says. If she does get to the point of saying, like, I'm not some version of I'm not turned on, that's hard for him to come back from. Like, it's hard for him to suddenly go into sexy mode because it feels like such a giant risk at that point. Because if I. If I, like, try to go into sexy mode now and it doesn't work, It's. I'm shattered.

I think I have a litmus test for this, which just ask yourself before you make any of these moves, is this gonna be. Is gonna add pressure or is it gonna be a pressure valve? Sometimes talking about it can be a pressure valve and let it out. Let it out a little bit. Sometimes it can add pressure, which is like, I'm not. I'm sorry, I'm not. I'm not in the mood. I haven't been in the mood for a long time. Or, you know, you could say I feel like it's taken me, like, a little. Like I have. It's taking me longer to get into the sexy mood. Let's make out a little bit more or something. Or whatever. Whatever that is. That kind of just relieves the pressure. Pressure and sexiness doesn't go well together.

It's not like peanut butter and jam.

It's the yes and of sex. Isn't it really like it. The. The yes and of sex is how do I create this kind of. You know, I want. That's fine, but I'd love to do this too, and I'd love to do this, and it would help me if you did this as well. And I'm excited about the idea of trying this, and I miss this thing. We used to do what you want, if anything. This is, I think, the. The. I guess the point I'm trying to make, to try and make it practical. You want this person to be in a mindset where they'll take more risks. And people take more risks when they're feeling reassured or when they're feeling confident. When they're feeling bolder. They don't tend to take risks. If they already feel like they're in a losing position. So it's how do I put this person in a mindset where they're actually willing to take more risks? Because more risks is what I need from them. If they play it safer, if my if what? If my words suddenly make them retreat and make them play it even safer than they are now, we're doomed. Thank you for listening, everyone. Don't forget to email your responses to this podcast. How did you feel about it? What did what resonated with you? Is there anything you'd like to add? Tell us a story. We love hearing your stories. Send them to podcasty.com and we'll speak to you next time in Love Life.