"What If We Have Different Love Languages?" (+ how to talk about being dumped)

Positive reinforcement is like Psychology 101, but it's unbelievably powerful and important and underused. People just go, oh, they did what I wanted, or they did what I expected. Good. You know, that's what I need. But you have to. You have to show love in the moments when you're feeling love. Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Love Life podcast. I am Stephen Hussey, joined in the studio by my dear brother and wunderkind, Matthew Hussey. How are you, sir?

I'm good, Steve. I'm excited to be back. I'm loving that we're doing these podcasts together as well, weekly.

That's very sweet of you. Is that. Is that because of me or just because you like someone else to take a bit of the shoulder? A bit of work for you?

I just like the fact that we, you know, there aren't many places that people can just have us together having a chat, answering a couple of questions, and, you know, just. It's more free form and it's. I like it. I do like the model that we have here. It's better than social media. It's intentional. Yeah.

It's for us, really, isn't it? It's for me and you to catch up. That's all about.

No, you and I could do that anytime. This is about giving people answers. If you enjoy this, as you're listening in, we'd love if you'd subscribe and leave us a review. We've got. We've had some lovely reviews recently, Steve. I was reading the most recent ones, and they're really, really nice.

We have. So thank you very much and thank you for subscribing.

Oh, before I start, Steve, or before you start, I want to let everyone know real quick that link that I've put on the bottom of the Facebook and Instagram lives. MH virtualretreat.com the reason I put that is because we just did our virtual retreat. We have one more date this year so that there's still a chance not to. Even if you missed the one in March, there's a chance not to miss the virtual retreat this year. The last one that's happening is happening from September 24th to the 26th. And there's an early bird special on right now where you can come and join us on the entire virtual retreat for 25% off the original ticket price. And you also get a Q and A with me thrown in. You get a chance to receive a signed book, and you're also going to get an Exclusive interview that I did on how to find mentors in your life. So if you're looking for mentors this year, and that's important to you, which, who wouldn't want to do that? That's one of the bonuses you get. And that's only available until the last, until the 30th of April. So go to that link, check it out. That's the last virtual retreat of the year and this is the cheapest that you'll get that virtual retreat for by doing it now. We wanted to. It's the first time we've ever done it, Steve. We've never done an early bird pricing for our retreats. And for the first time ever, people are actually being rewarded for signing up early. So there you go. If you want to come spend three days transforming your life with us, go to mhvirtualretreat.com and once again, I've said it many times now, this is not a love life retreat. It's not about your dating life. It's for anyone who wants to level up their entire life. So there you go.

Yeah. And I'm always one of those people who knows I'm going to go to something, forgets to do the early bird thing. And I think, damn, I knew I was going to do that six months ago. Should have just done it straight away.

Yeah. And also I am a big believer in the fact that when you book something in, especially when it's personal growth related first, there's a sort of pressure valve in that that you go, ah, like I've booked in something that's going to guarantee progress this year. It's almost like not even in my hands anymore. I thought, I think about that when I go write one of my masterminds with my guy group, I'm always like, well, if that's booked in, then I'm gonna do some amazing stuff this year. I'm just along for the ride now. So I think even just booking it in is an interesting act for your year. Signifies that it's already in hand. Right, Steve? Well, let's do it.

Okay. Well, Matthew, I know you love our listener emails, so I want to give you a question from a listener today. This is from Regina or Regina. I'm not sure how you pronounce that. Regina.

I think it's Regina. And by the way, where are these emails being sent to?

Steve, these emails are being sent to podcastathuhassey.com where you can ask us your questions, comment, or send us something fun. So Regina said in response to you asked a question asking people to reveal something that made them human. And she said, dear Matthew, I told the guy that I was dumped three times. I presume that's the guy she's seeing. I did not see it as a disadvantage or that it will be a turn off. I told him being dumped, I realized that I became a stronger person and that I've learned to love myself first. More power to you, Matthew and Stephen. Then she goes on to talk about love languages.

Okay, wait, wait. Before you even go into the next part, let's just talk about that for a second.

Okay.

Firstly, massively appreciate Regina taking the advice from the last episode about being about showing your humanity. I think that's amazing that you're proactive, Regina. But I want to, I want to pick up on that because I think there's some distinction we can make. When Regina says she's been dumped three times, I would query whether that's the right kind of humanity to be vocalizing.

Okay, that's interesting. What do you think of that? You're not, you're not happy about that?

Well, I don't know if it's a helpful detail. It's honest. I don't know. I'm processing it in real time. I just, I've been thinking about this. Like, what level of self deprecating is good and where does it go too far? And you can say, oh, well, it's just honest. Saying, I've been dumped three times. That's just me being honest. And by the way, there are certain people, no doubt, who could pull that off in a way that's just sort of funny. Like, if you've got a natural wit about you and you're able to deliver that with a certain level of like, but you have to deliver that with some confidence. Do you know what I mean? Like, you really have to deliver that with some funny, some humor and some confidence. My concern is just how much confidence and humor you'd need to deliver that with. And I think that I don't. There are plenty of ways to be honest. The question is, why did we choose that one? You know what I mean when people say, I was just being honest. Yeah, but why did you choose that piece of information? Yeah, reveal. It's an interesting many ways you could. You could be honest by saying, I like chocolate buttons. But, but you said, I've been dumped three times. And even the language of that, you know, like, I've been dumped, that it's not. You do at some point have to acknowledge. And I don't want this. This. I'm concerned because I'm concerned that it's gonna sound like we're saying two different things when I say be human. I think that being human is revealing, that we're not perfect, that we have things that we're working on that, you know, we. We do have flaws and that we do make mistakes. You know, it's. There's a. But fallibility is definitely more attractive when you're. You know, when you're doing your best and you're coming from a somewhat confident place. We also do have to acknowledge that we are. If you and I went into a store to buy a new fridge, and the guy said, this fridge is one you can have a look at, it's been discontinued three times. You know, three times. We decided to drop this one because it's. You know, we deemed it not worthy of the shelves, but we. But I would. I would push you to this fridge. You didn't go, well, you need to give me a pretty good reason to buy this one.

Now, that's like when you see a house keep going down in rent on the property site, and you're like, why is no one demanding that that house. Why does no one want to rent this? And they keep dropping the price right now.

It's not. It may not. It may have. It may be that no one has seen the value of this house yet, and that's why it's dropping price. It doesn't mean that the house isn't worth something. It may mean that the people that came to the house didn't appreciate what's truly great about that house. But if you're showing a new person the house, the first thing to say isn't, you know, I tell you what, it's a good job you're here because the last three people saw this house walked straight out. That's not. You're already coloring my perception. I want to make my own mind up about this house, and you're coloring my perception by telling me that the last three people had no interest in this house.

That's interesting.

So don't. So it's. It's not that it's a problem that you've been dumped three times. That's not the big deal. You might ask yourself why you felt the need to say it. Because if it's really not a big deal, then. Then is it, like, how did it even make it into the conversation? As a detail worth mentioning and also. But recognize that even if it's not a big deal, there are certain things that you can Say, and certain ways that you say them that color someone's perception. Because you're not even saying, you know, there were three situations that didn't work out. You're saying, there are three people who dumped me. Like, the language itself is emotive. It's charged. No one wants to think of the love of their life being dumped. You might want. You might understand that it didn't work out or whatever, but, you know, even if you care about someone, you don't want to think of them as being dumped. So language matters. It's not nothing language matters. And I would say that that's not that. I don't know that that's the same thing as humanity. There's humanity in it. There's humanity in the emotion that, you know, relationships that didn't work out affected me. There's humanity in that. But. But when you. When you say things in a certain way, you're leading the audience.

Yeah, yeah. And you're priming what they're thinking about.

Yes, exactly. You're priming what they're thinking about. You're. You're. You're immediately putting a word in their head that's associated with a whole bunch of things. Well, what kind of person gets dumped? Why would you dump a person? Why would you disregard a person so easily? Why would you like it start. People almost with. No. Almost automatically it starts creating questions around that. So I just think that you got to be really. There's nothing wrong with humanity. Just be honest with yourself about whether your language and the vivid. Those vivid words, how they lead the audience and how they prime them to question your value in ways that you would absolutely not want them to question.

Yeah. And we got back to that on our episode on Vulnerability, where we said it's about when you share certain things and the timing and, you know, you don't put it all out immediately up front. You decide when you want to talk about those things. That's a really interesting point, though. I didn't expect we'd go on that sidetrack.

And by the way, one more thing. Even saying I've had my heart broken is different from I've been dumped. Yes, they're the same thing. But saying I've had my heart broken is more human than saying, I got dumped, which comes with this association of a worthless thing, gets dumped.

Yeah. And I'm powerless, and it just happened to me.

Yeah. I got my heart broken is. Who doesn't? We, like, we've all been in things that didn't work out where someone decided that they didn't want to be with us for whatever reason. Like we've. Everyone's been through that. Nearly everyone has been through that. But that's not the same thing as, I've been dumped three times. That's like saying, here, look at me, the garbage bag. Like it's. But you know what I mean? It's like you're directing the language to a place where someone could be forgiven for going, oh, why? Why is that? Then when you say you've got your heart broken? No, people don't go, why, what happened? You know, like, you go, oh, you got your heart broken. Yeah, me too. You know, like, we've all been through that. I keep getting dumped. Now you're asking someone to say, well, why? Yeah, be careful with language.

Now, Regina says she asked a question. Can you make a video about love.

Language if you have a different language, can you change the love language of your somebody to expect? What if he's not normally the way you do things?

If his love language is of service, can I tell him to be more vocal and affirm my qualities? So presumably she likes being praised. I imagine that's her words of affirmation is her love language. I thought this was an interesting one to throw at you because it comes down to that question of, can you. What if someone doesn't meet your needs naturally in their behavior?

I think that relationships are about compromise. And I think that sometimes we can. A little bit of an adjustment to the middle can go a long way in a relationship. I don't think if, if you're with someone who truly is so divorced from your love languages that it. They would have to change by 80% for you to feel loved. That's a problem. You. You're going to constantly run into issues and any effort they make is probably not going to feel enough. And they're also going to feel hopeless because they can't get close to where you want them to be. So I do think to some extent we have to find people that our love language isn't alien to them. But it may be that we could use 10% more of them, you know, acting on that love language. And when that happens, it can make a big 10% shift, can make a big difference in a relationship communicating. I really love when you do this. It makes me feel loved or it turns me on or it's exciting to me when you do this. Or even just having a reaction when someone does something, you know, like giving them a real reaction, something that they start to associate with a sense of Fun for them or a sense of excitement for them because they go, when I do this, I really love, I may not love doing it, I may not understand as much. I may not understand why they love it so much because I don't need this. But I love, I love the reaction and I love how it makes them feel. But to do that, you do have to communicate how something makes you feel. You do have to communicate that it's a lovely thing when they do it.

Yeah. Positive reinforcement is like Psychology 101, but it's unbelievably powerful and important and underused. People just go, oh, they did what I wanted or they did what I expected. Good. You know, that's why I need.

Right.

But you have to, you have to show love in the moments when you're.

Feeling love and also pay attention to what, what love language could you be nourishing for them that you, that they might want more of? I think that's important too is understanding. I mean, we should, we should mention what the love languages are. I forget them sometimes. There's acts of service, there's quality time, there's.

Touch, words of affirmation.

Gifts.

Gifts, yeah.

So, you know, if you understand what your partners are or what your partner really appreciates, then you can start to find out how you can do more of that. And then they recognize that this isn't a one way street where you're just asking for something. You're also trying to give them what they need. Because, and I've said it before, it's very easy. The easiest thing in the world is to give somebody what you want. You know, there's two things that are really easy. Give someone what you want. And because you want it, you're probably used to it and well versed in that language. So you know how to give it or giving them what is easy for you to give them. So you know, some of us, it's really easy to give affection because we're affectionate, but we're not. So, you know, our words don't come so freely or quality time doesn't come so easily. And it's easy to keep giving the thing that's easy for us to give. And the cliche would be like, you know, someone who's got a lot of money can spend money on people and that's how they give. And because it's easy for them to do that, it's, that doesn't mean it's what they need, it just means what, it's easy for you to give. So we have to look at not just giving what we want to give or sorry, not just giving what we would want given to us because that's just projecting and not just giving what's comfortable for us to give, but giving what we may not even want, but we know they need and giving them what they're actually calling for instead of what's easy for us to give them. And I say that because it's got to be a two way street. We've got to be at the same time as communicating better about what we need from somebody else, listening better to what they need from us.

Yeah, yeah. And I think to go to one of her questions, can you change the love language? Your partner? I think, I think that's, that's asking too much. Right. I don't think you can change what someone loves. I think it's not that someone always loves like one or two things. Right. There's people who like, you know, I like affection and words of affirmation, but it's all, you know, a surprise is wonderful or a lovely thoughtful thing. So there's other things people can appreciate, but I don't think you can if you have a preferred way to receive love. It's not like that's gonna suddenly disappear, I don't think.

No, I mean, look, sometimes there are love languages that have been dormant in us for a while. It's not that we don't care about them, it's just that we haven't had them in a long time or in some cases ever, you know, so someone who hasn't had a lot of affection in their lives doesn't necessarily mean that it's not one of their love languages. But they may not be used to it when we have people come on our retreat program, you know, know, and you know, back in the. Well, back, back when we had our in person retreats, there would be people who would show up at the beginning of the retreat and they weren't huggers. And then by the end of it, they're hugging everybody and they're like, I don't, I wasn't a hugger and now I can't get enough.

I've seen that dozens of times. Dozens of.

So that's someone who had lost connection with a certain love language, not because it's not who they are, but because, you know, they were undernourished in that area or hadn't practiced it. So I do think that you can tease out people's, you know, love for a love language if you start to show them the positive side of it. Again.

Yeah. Well, that's super useful and practical. I hope that helped Regina. And if he's not normally affectionate, you've got to educate him. You've got to show what you love when he does it. Even a tiny, tiny percentage when he's vocal and affirms your qualities. You've got to be like, you know what? I love it when you say those things to me. It's so I just smile. It makes me smile all day. When you send that text or when you said those words in front of our friends about me, it made me feel so connected and showed how you appreciate me. And, you know, I'd love to hear you say those things. It really means a lot. So just educate someone. People don't always know and you have to show people how to love you, how to be a good friend to you. It's part. It's part of the challenge of relationships.

And one last thing on this, there are some. Some people who stay in relationships for a long time, always wishing that their partner were essentially someone else in the way that they behaved. And sometimes the answer is to bring them a little closer to the middle through the way that you educate them about your needs and you teach them how to love through the way that you love them. Sometimes it's saying, my partner may never be this, but I'm not going to rely only on my partner for this. My needs are going to be met by a tribe, not by one person acting as a tribe. And that there's words of affirmation I can get from friends or from people around me, mentors, whatever it may be. There's things we get from a tribe that sometimes we place an over reliance on one person to meet all of our needs. And lastly, if you truly don't think someone is up to meeting your needs and the part of the tribe that they represent is not delivering for you in the way that you would like, then there's always the possibility that this isn't the right person. But. And I want to say, Regina, I feel like I feel a bit bad because, you know, Regina's emailed in with a thing saying, you know, I did what you said. I did the humanity thing and I told him I got dumped three times, but. And I wasn't having a go. Regina, I actually love that you were doing that challenge, but these are what I actually love that you brought us that example because this is where distinctions get made, is you try things and then we can make further distinctions on a better way to be. So thanks for. Thanks for bringing your email and being courageous in telling us your story and giving us your question. You've made a great episode of the Love Life podcast, and we hope to hear from you again. For anyone else who wants to email in Steve, where should they go?

Go to podcastathewhussey.com or more accurately, send an email to podcastathewhussey.Com and I'll rummage through them.

All right, thanks, everyone. Go subscribe to the podcast Love Life at. Well, Love Life is the name of the podcast, Love Life with Matthew Hussey that is on itunes. Subscribe and leave us a review.

All right, thanks, everyone. Bye. Bye.

Bye. I see the vlog sites. Got a new wife, Shorty.

Got a new boo.

Yeah, love beautiful.