Podcast episode in which Matthew Hussey (host) and Steve discuss romance as a learnable habit: creating memorable moments, keeping a high ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, listening and acting on partners' preferences, and intentionality behind gestures. The episode emphasizes consistent small efforts over rare grand gestures and includes a promotional CTA for Hussey's 'Dating With Results' training.
Chapters
Ask yourself, have I created a moment with someone this week? Just make a moment because those are the things you actually remember. You don't remember the majority of every day.
Hey, everybody.
Matthew Hussey here with the Love Life Podcast. Excited for you to hear the episode today.
Let's get into it.
I think of romance as more of something... This doesn't sound romantic as I say it, but you can almost think of it as a habit that you can cultivate, like not something you just are. Like you are just being a chivalrous knight. And I think this with a lot of traits, really, like flirtation or romance, do you think they're just kind of practices we can learn?
Yeah, well, yeah, it's just romance is really good. It's listening, isn't it? It's listening to what people like or want to experience or or enjoy in life and then creating a world where they get more of that. And romance is just going out of your way to create a moment or an experience for someone. You know, the reason why in that last video, the first one, and this was Jameson's suggestion, I should say, was surprise dessert delivery. And the reason I said, hey, don't just do that on like a Friday night. Like do it on a night where they wouldn't normally expect something like that. Do it on a Monday night where you've both cooked. you're tired from work and it's a moment. You're creating a moment. So, so much of life is about creating a moment. Always ask yourself, like, what could make this a moment? Because we don't remember the, we're not remembering the average hour in the day. I mean, honestly, ask most people what they did last weekend. They can't tell you very quickly. They're like, I mean, I'm not sure.
So.
And that doesn't mean you have to live your life trying to create moments every hour. But ask yourself, like, have I created a moment with someone this week? Whether it's a partner, a family member, a friend, just make a moment. 'Cause those are the things you actually remember. You don't remember the majority of every day. And romance to me is good listening 'cause the kind of moments, the kind of moments you create for someone are born out of listening to the kinds of things they really love, all the things that they want to experience more of. and it's making a decision, a conscious decision that I'm going to create more moments. That part isn't always spontaneous. Spontaneity is born out of a decision to create more moments. It looks spontaneous to the other person, but you've consciously decided, I'm going to create more moments for us.
Yeah. It makes me think of that study that came out A while ago that talked about how so many great relationships were a result of frequency of positive to negative interactions and that you could, great relationships had some frequency of something like five or six positive interactions to every one negative one, like complaining or a disagreement. And, you know, you can almost boil it down to, it's not how we think of things, it's almost like you know, we, there are, there are Peak moments that get a lot of attention in life. The big success, the big win, the time you got the job, the Romantic trip. But a relationship has a lot of moments and a lot of time in it, and it is almost really, really, you want the chart to have these constant little spikes throughout, you know, throughout the day, throughout the weeks, and that kind of builds the connection, the feeling of affection, and kind of keeps it at a constant. I agree. I feel like most people in some cases, they go like, let it trail off and off and off and down, and then hope for a massive spike with some big gesture at some point.
You can't rely on the spikes because it may not be enough to overcome whatever damage you do the rest of the time or whatever, however the relationship slowly meanders into mediocrity for the rest of the year. And then you think you're gonna suddenly dwarf that by some grandiose moment. But it's not, I don't see it like that. Great relationships are an accumulation of little efforts over time. And the more you do it, the more you don't have to do the big grand, the big grand things are a nice bonus, but you don't have to do them because your partner or your friend or your lover or whatever is aware of what a lovely, kind, considerate, interesting person you are the rest of the time. It's the same as going to the gym. You know, it's like how you think you're like, are we going to get a great body? Because one day we do a really hard gym session. No, it's just every day, do the reps, do the reps in your relationship.
Why is it that that is seen as a weird thing? Like anything to do with practice in your love life. instantly has a connotation of that's something weird, that's too optimizing, that's too analytical. But people don't think about that, about nearly anything else.
I'll tell you why, Steve. None of us like to think that we are on the receiving end of an insincere and manipulative act. That someone is doing something It is simply to get a result from us, not from a place of sincerity that they are in some way programming our emotions or clinically designing our relationship with them. It doesn't fit the fairy tale view of things are just amazing between us. And it also makes us question someone's motives. But if your motives are just to make something great and the reason that you're pouring attention into a relationship, into how I please my partner into how I can be a more attractive person. If the reason is because you want to be your best for someone, that's about as romantic as it gets. I listen, I actually truly understand both sides of the coin. None of us want to be on the receiving end of someone we feel like is using a tactic on us, right? But that's just in all it is is intention. That's all it is. It's all intention. And if your intentions are good, and you get better with at your people skills over time, then there's nothing wrong with that. It's just about being more effective. If your intentions are bad, that's on you.
Yeah, I put down three just on this subject of romance. I put down three things, you know, if I thought like three things that make you more romantic in general. And I think it's like uninhibited is one, like being, being more willing to wear your heart on your sleeve and say the thing you're feeling in the moment, make the moment, like you say, you're feeling something in the moment, put it out there and say it, take the risk. I think second is paying attention, like you say, a lot of your examples are about just being really not just a good listener, but then doing a bit of action based on that. That shows that extra level of I listened and I've got you something really cool. I've done something thoughtful. And then the third is like, yeah, spontaneous, spontaneous giving, like unexpected moments and not just waiting for the occasion.
Thanks for listening.
And before you go, if it is a priority for you this year to find your person. I have a practical roadmap for you in a free training I did called Dating With Results. It's a 60 minute training. It is helping so many people right now who are going through it. And you can be one of them by going to datingwithresults.com When you sign up, you get a two day free pass to watch the training. So just make sure you diarize it so you don't miss your window and go there now. Datingwithresults.com is the link. I'll see you over there and enjoy the training.
