What Makes Someone Suddenly Commit? | Rewind

If you've been going through your love life finding that there almost feels like there's an epidemic of people who don't want to commit or who are struggling to commit, that is not your fault. Hey everyone, this episode is a rewind episode, one from the archives. Let me know what you think. Send me an email afterwards, podcast@matthewhussie.com and.

Now on to the episode.

What makes a man suddenly decide to commit? I want to talk about that in this video. I also want to give you four practical pieces of psychology that you can use to become the kind of person that someone wants to commit to. I think there are two types of people loosely who commit. There is the person that commits out of sheer passion and dopamine and oxytocin who just, in this feeling of, oh my God, you're my person, lightning struck, I must have you, I must commit to you, you and I are gonna build a life together, decides to commit to that person. And then there's the person who I think of as soberly committing based on a series of decisions and assessments about the way their life has been going and the way they would like it to go. Now, in the case of the first person, I think we have a natural skepticism about that kind of person because we're aware in ourselves that passion can be very fickle and that just as quickly as they decided they must have someone and be with them forever, they can decide, actually, this isn't what I want. Doesn't mean that that couple won't stay together. It's just that we know that that couple still has all their work ahead of them in staying together. It's one of the reasons I think that when you have an older couple at a much younger couple's wedding, there is a sort of that... It doesn't even have to be a skepticism, just a knowing that there's a long road ahead. In the case of the sober person, I use that word somewhat intentionally because it conjures for me the image that is true for so many people. which is that person who's been going through their life living on a kind of dopamine cycle of dating and casual sex or intimacy, a person who's been kind of cycling through people, looking for that passion, looking for that passion, and then the moment they get bored of that, moving on again, and just constantly cycling through these emotions with a very kind of, addict style behaviour. I think we have a culture now that produces more and more people who are addicted to the dopamine cycle. We know this in social media. We know social media has created a world where our attention spans have gotten worse. But I think that the same is true for so many in their love lives that the world now is set up for us to get addicted to that dopamine cycle, for us to get lots of hits from lots of people on dating apps, to have this seeming buffet of choice. And to find ourselves more easily in casual relationships. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with them, but when we get addicted to that cycle, achieving depth in a relationship can be harder because a relationship requires a different amount of investment, a different amount of effort, a different amount of work than simply meeting someone and hooking up or going on an exciting date. If we live in a world that is producing more of the kind of person that finds it difficult to commit because they are addicted to those cycles. How when we encounter that, do we approach it? That brings me onto the four things that we can do to become the person that someone commits to. And really what this is about is representing that evolved path for somebody else. Now, I wanna make something really clear. This is not a video about curing someone's commitment phobia. This is not a video about saying that it's our fault or that we need to do something. Actually quite the opposite. It's not your fault. If you've been going through your love life finding that there almost feels like there's an epidemic of people who don't want to commit or who are struggling to commit, that is not your fault. I think in large part that is due to the culture right now. But what I also believe is that there are a lot of people that have come to the end of that cycle or who find themselves unrewarded by that cycle, who are actually looking for something different. And if we can represent that, we suddenly become the person that they want to commit to. Number one, having an exciting vision for what a relationship means. If in our communication with someone we can show that we have a big and exciting vision for a relationship. What it means in terms of trust, what it means in terms of adventures, what it means in terms of intimacy, sex, what it means in terms of everything. This is what a relationship is to me. This is what building something special is to me. If that is a compelling vision, then a relationship does not mean all of a sudden my life gets really dull and boring and monotonous. It actually means I'm building something extraordinary long term. We have to buy into an exciting vision for a relationship first so that when someone is around us, they start to see why a relationship with us would be exciting. And that doesn't even mean, by the way, linking it directly to them. There are ways to do it where you don't link it to them, but you just have this vision for the relationship you will one day be in that makes them want to be a part of that. Number two, we have to show vulnerability. Vulnerability is actually expressing that we like someone. Vulnerability is expressing that we would actually like more with them. There are of course right ways to do it. If you want to know the right ways to do it, stay till the end of the video. But vulnerability in expressing our desires, the path we want to go down, that is something not nearly enough people do and it will make you stand out. Number three, communicating standards. This is something that when someone is being vulnerable and communicating that they like someone, they often forget to do. They communicate they like someone, but then they show that they'll be there no matter what, no matter how they're treated. If we learn how to communicate our standards to somebody, then we not only have the vulnerability and the warmth that draws someone in. We also have the boundaries that show them that they have to live up to a certain standard that they have to actually provide a certain amount for us to keep giving them that energy. And the fourth thing is we need to bring someone peace. Most people have gone through their lives as a single person not having peace. They've been engaged in drama. They've found that when they didn't give someone what they wanted, that was met with anger, resentment. They were made to feel guilty. All of this drama is a big part of being single. And I honestly believe for a lot of guys, they get to a point in their lives where they find themselves looking for peace. They find themselves looking for a place that they can go where they can actually lower their own nervous system and they can feel different than this frantic, kind of volatile energy they've been experiencing for most of their life. If we can represent that peace, then we will stand out. We will be someone that another person thinks when I'm around you, I just feel better. I feel more at peace and I want more of that in my life. And that may not be something someone thinks at 21, but at a certain point in their life, when they realize that that's one of the most valuable things, maybe the most valuable thing they could ever have, it starts to become really, really attractive. Now, how do we, how do we bring peace to somebody? It's how we deal with ourselves in arguments. Do we show what we think without doing all of the normal things people do in an argument that just amplify the tension? When we say what we want, if we don't get it, do we get angry? Do we get massively resentful? Does it come out in ways that allow them to tell stories about how crazy you were or how over the top you were or, you know, how you sprung it on them in a really volatile way? Because that's exactly what makes it easier for someone to leave and have a narrative of why they had to leave. Whereas if we just bring peace to somebody, even in the difficult conversations, even when we're asking for more, if we bring a peaceful energy, then when someone walks away, it plays on their mind because they go, well, I'm not walking away because they were dramatic. I'm not walking away because they were super angry and I couldn't deal with it. I'm not walking away because this was a really difficult person who's going to bring a lot of drama to my life. I'm walking away because of me. and that makes someone question it. It makes them have to face themselves.

If you haven't signed up to our event on October the 22nd, if you want to get out of the rat race of casual relationships and get the good stuff, which is the relationship that you're looking for, this session is going to help put you on the path to real commitment. instead of an endless loop of emotionally unavailable people who can't give you what you're looking for. Come join us on our session live on October the 22nd and you can join@lovelifetraining.com come check it out and thank you for listening as always. Be well friends of the podcast and love life.